The Ranch (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

American Kids

[country music playing.]
[Colt screaming.]
What the hell was that? Sounds like Colt just discovered I used up all the hot water.
[theme song playing.]
[video game sounds.]
[video game sounds continue.]
Please, do that some more.
It's my new app.
Duck Hunter Ultra.
It's got weather conditions, tracks migratory reports.
They even take pictures of the ducks we shoot and log 'em for us.
And it's got recipes.
Hey, do we have tarragon? We have salt.
Paper tells me everything I need.
Hunting season, opens tomorrow.
Sunrise, 7:12.
Bring gun.
I added that last part.
Yeah, but can your paper do this? [quacking.]
Hey, that's pretty good.
Can I see that? No, you're gonna hurt it.
Yes, I am.
Dude, you used all the hot water.
I don't know, man.
I just woke up, took my normal shower.
I mean, I stayed in there a little longer 'cause it was hard to wake up this morning.
Yeah, you know what'll wake you up in the morning? A freezing cold shower.
I ain't gonna find my dick till tomorrow.
Certainly can't help you with that one.
But you know what wakes me up? [exhales.]
A nice hot cup of coffee.
Oh, we're out, by the way.
All right, Dad, will you tell Rooster he's got to be more considerate? There's three people living here now.
Dad, will you tell Colt if he would like a warm shower, he should wake up earlier in the morning.
Rooster, shut up.
Ha! Colt, shut up.
We got a lot of work to do today, if we're gonna take the day off to go hunting tomorrow.
Oh, tomorrow's opening day? Yep.
Just like my birthday.
Only Dad knows when it is.
Yeah, I'm down to go huntin'.
Really? I didn't figure you had any interest.
What? I love hunting.
You get to wake up at 6:00 a.
and start drinking, guilt-free.
Pee in the woods, always a bonus.
Poop in the woods, not so fun.
Yeah, I mean, fall's really the best time of the year.
Got a little nip in the air.
You can wear your flannel shirts, fleece-lined gloves, possibly a scarf.
We're talking about hunting, not some fashion show.
Please, like you didn't agonize over that sweet denim-on-denim combo.
That's true and all, but, unfortunately, the duck blind only holds two people.
Sucks to be you.
Oh, come on, man, I ain't been in 15 years.
Be nice to spend some quality time with Dad.
Well, I was gonna say no, but I can tell you really wanna go, so fuck, no.
Well, it's Dad's decision.
You don't talk for Dad.
Well, actually, I do.
See, that's the beauty of not abandoning your family.
Dad and I are in sync.
I know what he's thinking, I know what he's feeling.
If we were chicks, we'd be having our periods at the same time.
Actually, Rooster, what do you say I take Colt this year? What? No, come on, man! We're period pals.
It's the fair thing to do, girlfriend.
You can go the next day.
Next [sighs.]
the next day is not opening day.
The next day is not tradition.
The next day is not Beau and Rooster sitting in the duck blind, eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches and killing majestic woodland creatures.
Look, Dad decided.
[clears throat.]
And, for the record, I'd have been okay with whatever decision you made.
'Cause I love you, Daddy.
We're leaving at dawn.
Wear your prettiest scarf.
This sucks.
What's the matter? That time of the month? - Hey, Mom.
- Hey, sweetie.
Hey, let me ask you something.
I'm your favorite son, right? Definitely in the top two.
I'm not gonna pick between you and Colt.
Okay, I hear that.
So, let's say you got two lawn mowers, right? Now, the older one is more dependable.
It's there for you, year after year, and it always gets the job done.
And it's got a badass nickname, like, uh, Cutter.
Now, the other lawn mower, it moved away and it didn't come back until its professional football lawn mowing career didn't work out.
Is this about hunting? Damn straight it's about hunting.
And it's about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Colt better find out what it means to me.
I mean, he thinks just 'cause he wants something, it's automatically his.
Yeah, I know what it's like when people expect to be given things.
Here's your free beer.
Sarcasm noted and ignored.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, you're not wrong.
It's just, I think you should cut him some slack, you know? Your brother's missed out on a lot.
Yeah, he missed out on a lot of work.
A lot of work I had to do.
I had dreams, you know.
I wanted to open that body shop.
I remember.
Rooster's Repairs.
No shirts, no shoes, no Chevys.
If I never open that place, it should at least be a Toby Keith song.
Man, I gave up everything so I could work the ranch.
You know what my reward was? Going hunting with Dad.
'Cause that's our thing.
No, come on.
You've had lots of things over the last 15 years.
You've had ranching, hunting, bowling.
The only thing that Colt and your father share is angry conversation.
Yeah, that's their thing.
I would never take that away from them.
You know, there's someone else in the family who really loves hunting.
I don't wanna go hunting with my mom.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I'll make you peanut butter and honey sandwiches.
Banana! It's peanut butter and banana! Fine, peanut butter and banana.
Look, if you're not gonna take this serious, don't even bother.
Are you in or not? Yeah, I guess.
Listen up, everybody.
Rooster Bennett's going hunting with his mommy.
What are you doing, Mom? You're embarrassing me.
I know.
That's our thing.
Why can't you just shower at night? Not gonna do that, Colt, and I'll tell you why.
I do not currently have a problem getting enough hot water.
Why don't you shower at night? Because I I have an issue.
It's your hair, ain't it? If I go to sleep and it's damp, I have zero volume in the morning.
All those years I wanted a little sister.
Here she is.
- Ma? - Hey, Colt.
Are you wearing my scarf? No.
This one's Dad's.
Goes with his denim leisure suit.
Is that my gun? What are you doing here anyway? Opening day.
I'm going with Mom.
- [chuckles.]
Just like junior prom.
- [gun clicks.]
She was not my date.
I just forgot my boutonniere, shithead.
Oh, yeah, I made him dance with me.
He was mortified.
That was awesome.
- Hey, where's my hat? - What hat? My favorite hat.
You know, my John Deere hat? Paint stains? Smells like a bait shop? Yeah, I might have worn that hat last night.
What? You might have worn it or you did wear it? Okay, I guess I did.
I don't know.
Let's load the truck.
Really? You're not dying to find out what happened to the hat? I can't believe you lost my hat, man.
Where'd you go last night? Oh, I went to my buddy Will's place.
Yeah, we were gonna cruise around the local parks, see if we could find high school kids drinking.
Then pretend we're cops, scare the crap out of them, watch them run, and steal their beers.
It's pretty simple, really.
I mean, all you need is a flashlight and a deep voice.
[in a deep voice.]
What are you kids doing? Yeah.
I know how to steal beers from teenagers, Colt.
Where's my hat? Oh, yeah.
Then we realized we needed some new beer cozies, so we went to the gas station, found these sweet ones with girls in bikinis on them.
When the cozy gets cold, the bikinis disappear.
Don't worry, we did not lose those.
But, here's the thing, I know I still had the hat on 'cause Mark, the clerk, he said, "Sweet hat.
You wanna buy some meth?" Then I politely declined.
Then we got into Will's truck, we went and found some kids, roused them, and then I cracked my first beer, then I had a few more.
Man, that's where it gets a little fuzzy.
I remember going through a Dairy Queen drive-through.
It was me and Will and his dog named Raccoon Although it might have been an actual raccoon.
All I know is, he was real excited about that chocolate dip cone.
What the hell is wrong with you? That's a fair question.
- Here, you can just take my hat.
- I don't want your hat.
Fine, just grab another hat.
Oh, okay.
Well, which hat should I grab? My DeWalt hat? No.
That's for fishing.
My Bass Pro Shops hat? No.
That's for church.
My "Free Mustache Rides" hat? No.
That's for the state fair.
Listen, this is kinda your fault.
If I'da just had a shower, I wouldn't've needed a hat.
- You two still at it? - We're leaving.
Well, I'm not going.
I'm not going without my hat.
Okay, bye.
My sister is such a bitch.
You know what that hat and I have been through? I can only imagine.
Learned how to drive in that hat.
I went to my homecoming in that hat.
I even lost my boyhood in that hat.
You left your hat on? [sighs.]
It was a request.
That's how awesome that hat was.
It was basically a threesome.
Rooster Bennett, Debbie Pearson, John Deere.
Well, I don't know why you'd wanna cover up that beautiful head of curly hair anyway.
Yeah, my hair does kick ass.
But that doesn't solve my Colt problem.
Guy comes back into town, thinks about no one but himself.
Same old Colt.
All right, okay, I get it.
Colt can be selfish at times.
That's why I'm in this blind with you.
Your brother and your father have a lot of problems.
But you and I? We're perfect.
I know you're just saying that, but it's kinda true.
And if it gets to be too much, here's a good way to deal with anger.
What is that guy's problem? I mean, it's just a hat.
If he cared so much about it, why'd he put it on the community hat rack? [scoffs.]
Well, I think he just wants something to be pissed off at me about.
Yeah, they're working this way, Drake.
Making their way this Oh, the ducks.
I mean, it's just [stutters.]
it's like, how's he the one who's upset? I mean, there's three of us living there now.
Right? We got to share things, hot water and hats.
Hell, the other day he took one of my beers, you didn't see me complaining.
Those were my beers.
Exactly, we get it.
I'm sorry he's so annoying.
Yeah, thank you.
I was talking to the dog.
Look, don't let this hat thing with your brother ruin opening day, all right? He's just messing with you.
Yeah, I wish that's what he was doing.
But that would require him actually thinking about another human being.
Hey, Rooster, I found your hat! You did? No! I'm too busy bonding with Dad! Mom just told me you're actually adopted! Come on.
Your brother really cares about you.
He just doesn't know how to show it or say it all the time.
He's a lot like your father in that way.
Yeah? Well, my father never lost my threesome buddy.
Look, all I'm saying is you have to be patient with him.
The bottom line is, he's family.
And more importantly, it's just a fucking hat.
See [grunts.]
see, that's the problem.
Without the morning shower, there's no life.
There's no bounce, there's no shine.
I mean, I know what you're gonna say, "It looks fine," but I ain't shooting for fine.
You get it, silver fox.
And what do you use in your hair? Mousse or pomade? You got so much poof.
It's, like Where are you going? See, this is why people rarely give you compliments.
Oh, look at your coat, you're gorgeous.
Let's look at the big picture.
As difficult as Colt can be, would you rather have your brother back or your hat back? Hat.
Get out.
What? Why? 'Cause I'm not sitting with your brother anymore.
Well, I'm not sitting with him either.
Yes, you are.
You're the reason he's whining.
The reason he's whining is 'cause he's a big baby.
I just wanna go home.
And the duck says [blows duck call.]
And the dog says What's the matter, Drake, cat got your tongue? [chuckles.]
Oh - Oh, what are you doing? - Dad sent me.
[clears throat.]
No, no, no, no.
This is me and Dad's day.
Well, I guess he just realized how much he hates you.
Move over.
I ain't moving.
For once, you're gonna do something you don't wanna do, now move over.
- Move me.
- Fine, I won't.
I'll sit on you.
What are you ah! Come on, man, you're all soaking wet.
Yeah, it's mostly duck shit, too.
What are you - And I just farted on you.
- [grunts.]
Did you eat my peanut butter and banana sandwich? No.
I took one bite and decided I was full and I threw the rest out.
You know what? Don't talk to me anymore.
Oh, look what I found.
You know - maybe I should've brought Rooster along.
- [sighs.]
He's right, it has become a tradition.
You know, Colt was really excited to be with you.
Both your boys wanted to spend time with you, and I know you don't want to hear this but it says something really nice about you.
[imitating Beau.]
Why can't boys be more like cows? You could brand 'em, stick 'em out in a field, and they just stand there until they're ready to die.
Beau? I never thought I'd say this.
You talk too much.
Hey, would you say I'm a silver fox? Oh! Got 'em.
Drake, fetch.
Drake, fetch.
Drake, fetch.
Now even the dog likes you better? Of course he does.
- Everyone likes me better.
You know why? - [sighs.]
'Cause I'm better.
I know for a fact if it was Dad's hat, you never would have touched it.
Oh, my God, shut up about the hat! It's not just about the hat, man.
It's indicative of a larger lack of concern! - What? - It's indicative of a larger lack of concern! I spent years earning everyone's respect.
Then you show up and all of a sudden you're the favorite again? [scoffs.]
How does that work? You know why I'm the favorite? I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm better.
You know what else you are? [whispering.]
You're an asshole.
Fifteen years, Colt.
I had to shovel shit, while you abandoned the family so you could travel the world - Okay, all right.
- for 15 years Enough with the "abandoned the family" crap.
I had a chance to be a pro athlete.
Who's not gonna take that? I mean, you could have followed your stupid dream.
"Rooster's Topless Tapas.
" - Dude, that was genius! - [scoffs.]
"Big tatas, small tapas.
" It ain't my fault you hate your life.
No, man, I don't hate my life.
I just hate the fact you think you can do whatever you want.
- It don't work like that.
- [stutters.]
I left! - Okay? I left! - Yeah! Yeah! Well, guess what.
You gotta be a grown-ass man and start taking responsibility for your own life and your own choices.
You chose to stay! You know what else I choose to do? Oh, don't shoot my hat.
Don't you shoot my hat.
You mess with the Rooster, you get the beak! To think there was a time we never wanted those boys to grow up.
Well, we got our wish.
[smacks lips.]
Remember the first time we took 'em hunting? Oh, yeah.
Colt wanted to use the 12 gauge like his big brother.
I told him it was too much for him, but he needed to learn for himself.
Yeah, he learned all right.
Duck came in, Colt fired, the recoil hit him in the face, broke his nose.
Blood was everywhere.
Rooster came running up, "Dad! Colt's dying, Colt's dying.
Why are you laughing?" Yeah, there's nothing funnier than givin' a firearm to a 13-year-old and letting him figure it out for himself.
It was pretty stupid.
You were right.
All these years I thought it would kill you if you said that.
- [Beau chuckles.]
- And yet, here you are.
This is pretty nice.
We ought to hunt more often.
Yeah, we take our aggression out on the birds instead of each other.
You know, we got an empty house.
I could think of another way to take our aggressions out.
Let's go.
Ah! Ah! Ah! No hair pulling! No rules! - Ah! Fine! - [grunts.]
My nuts! - [groaning and heavy exhaling.]
- [car engine running.]
- What's that? - [car doors opening and closing.]
Is that Mom and Dad? Oh, great, they're leaving.
They hate you so much, they left me behind.
Thanks, Drake.
Oh, congratulations, you actually hit something today.
Yeah? That's not the only thing I'm about to hit.
[country music playing.]
Mmm, this isn't the usual stuff, is it? It's something I had put away for a special occasion.
You're not getting soft in your old age, are ya? Don't get too excited.
You only get one glass.
I'm saving the rest in case we get a surprise visit from John Elway.
This turned out to be a pretty great opening day.
Maybe this ought to be the new tradition.
Send the boys hunting, and we have the house all to ourselves.
You're a fucking idiot! Hell, I did my best.
Left them both out in the middle of nowhere with guns and they still came back.
You could have walked around the puddle, but you walked through it just to splash me.
What difference does it make? We're already soaking wet.
The difference is, stop me if you've heard this before, - it's indicative of a larger - Oh, my God! Shut up! And suck my indicative.
Don't go in there with wet clothes.
We're not gonna strip.
Then you're not going inside.
- I'm getting the first shower.
- Hell you are.
- You kidding me? - What? Those are my fuckin' underwear.
[country music playing.]
Look who showed up.
Thought I was gonna do all the work by myself.
You know, like the last 15 years.
I went looking for your hat.
Seriously? I got Mark at the gas station to show me the security footage.
I still had your hat on while I was filling up the truck.
Was pretending the nozzle was my dick.
So I ran over to William's place, and holy shit, if his neighbor ain't out front working on his bike wearing your hat.
- What? - Yeah.
Big dude, right? With tattoos, he had that chain coming from his wallet.
Real badass, right? So I look at the guy, I says, "I want that hat.
" And he says to me, "You want this hat, you're gonna have to come take it.
" So I got right up in his face and I asked him what the capital of Thailand was and he said, "What?" and I said "Bangkok," then I kicked him in the nuts.
I grabbed your hat and I ran like a little bitch.
Anyway, here.
Thanks, Colt.
I appreciate this.
Maybe that other stuff wasn't all your fault.
It's possible I was almost an asshole.
- Just one thing though.
- Yeah? This ain't my hat.
Are you serious? [inhales through teeth.]
Also there's a giant guy on a Harley coming down the driveway.
[motorcycle engine running.]
Oh, come on, man! [country music playing.]

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