The Ranch (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

I Can't Go There

Damn it.
Boots are all dirty.
Now what am I gonna wear out? Well, that's what you get for only having one pair.
You always need four pairs of boots, Colt.
One pair of working boots, one pair of drinking boots, two pair for knocking boots.
The only reason you'd need two pair of knocking boots is if you're doing it outside on all fours.
No, man.
You need 'em for when you gotta jump out of the window and leave a pair behind.
If you think you might get caught, why don't you just leave the first pair of boots outside the window? Damn, Colt, you just changed the game.
Man, Dad was being a real hard-ass today, huh? Yep.
I heard him utter every curse word known to man, but I ain't never heard him take John Deere's name in vain.
He's just pissed 'cause Mom didn't wanna move in.
I haven't seen him that mad since Obama released his birth certificate.
Wait, what the hell's the deal with Mom and Dad, man? I You know, they seem like they're getting along so well.
Yeah, I've seen this over and over.
Mom and Dad are like Brooks & Dunn, you know? They get back together every few years, and every time they do, it just gets worse and worse.
- [Colt.]
Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey, Pop.
How far did you get with the fence? Uh, we got to the west creek.
Both of you, all day, got to the west creek? There any chance you're saying that 'cause you're just so impressed? Closed the gate on the way out? Yeah.
Yeah, we closed it.
I remember it, 'cause I said, [stammers.]
"It's awfully windy out, make sure that gate's closed tight, Rooster.
" [Rooster.]
Oh, yeah, that's right.
And then I closed it and I said, "Hey, Colt, make sure you go lock that gate.
" And then you said to me, "Oh, man, I'm Colt Bennett.
I don't gotta make sure of nothing.
" And then you were like, "Man, Dad's a real jerk, ain't he?" [Colt.]
Yeah, yeah.
And then I said, "Just kidding.
'Cause Dad is not only my father, he's my best friend.
" But, Dad, you know what, I'm gonna go check on that gate on Colt's behalf.
Oh, no.
You boys relax.
You've had a long day.
I'll go check on it.
And when I get back, I'll give each of you a nice foot massage.
I know he's kidding but I bet them strong hands could work wonders.
Where are you goin'? Go help Dad.
You might wanna leave an extra pair of boots outside the barn.
Yeah, I'll come help.
Son of a bitch! I've missed 15 years, I can miss one more night.
[clears throat.]
[theme song playing.]
- Hey, Hank.
- Colt.
How's, uh, life in the Airstream? Oh, it's good.
Though, ever since I heard what you and Heather did in there, I haven't been able to eat off my kitchen table.
If that's the case, you might not want to eat off this bar.
Seriously though, you doing okay? Yeah, I'm good.
I'm more concerned about your father.
How's he holding up? Today he told me I make terrible coffee told me I can't bale hay for shit then he went on a one-hour rant about how they don't make dirt like they used to.
Look, I'm sorry if what's going on with your father and I has made life harder for you.
Hey, who am I to be mad? You came home, stirred shit up, and left.
That's a move right out of the Colt Bennett Playbook.
- Hey, Colt.
- Mmm.
Hey, Ab.
Hey, Mrs.
Hey, darlin'.
I got you a little something for your trailer.
Kind of a re-housewarming gift.
Really? I think I warmed it up pretty good with that fire.
I got it, it's too soon.
I'm sorry.
Well, isn't that sweet.
And it's sharp and spiky.
I think I'll put it on my kitchen table.
You just love gifts, don't you? What're you talking about? You give my mom a housewarming gift, you tell me to get Heather a gift, which gifted me the greatest gift of all a girlfriend.
Aw, that's cute.
You guys gonna hold hands when you pick her up from junior high? [laughs sarcastically.]
I ain't dating someone from junior high.
She's kidding, Hank.
I'm not here to judge.
I'm telling you, things were going great.
Now she's in my phone as "Heather" with two heart emojis.
She used to be in my phone as "Hannah?" Colt, when is the last time you were in a real relationship? Oh, you know what, I was in a serious relationship with this girl named Jessie.
- Oh.
- And on our first anniversary, her husband walked in on us.
Should have left a pair of boots outside the window.
What? Ah [scoffs.]
I guess, uh, you set the bar pretty high, girl.
Well, that's very sweet.
It's also very true.
I was your last serious girlfriend? [stutters.]
Well, who are you to be giving relationship advice anyway? You only been with Kenny.
No! I dated lots of people.
I went out with Steve Williger.
- [tittering.]
You Steve Williger? - What? Yeah.
That guy wore a Star Wars T-shirt every single day! [imitating Yoda.]
"Fashion sense, I have none.
" [chuckles.]
All right, you can keep going, dating a cavalcade of women, or - Stop.
- It means a parade.
Thank you.
Or you could commit to a relationship and see what it's like to be an adult.
All right, so, you're telling me that you think I should commit to a woman that you think I'm immature for dating? I'm not talking about Heather specifically.
I'm talking about the fact that you're a 34-year-old man who hasn't had a serious girlfriend since he was 18.
You know what? You're right.
I need to grow up.
I'm gonna text Heather to tell her that I'm gonna break up with her.
Oh, my God! No, you cannot break up with her over text.
True, true, that could get messy.
I'll just wait for her to text me and then write back, "New phone.
Who dis?" All right.
If you insist on doing it this way, at least let me write the text so you don't seem like a total asshole.
[hesitant groan.]
Well, that seems like the easy way out.
Here you go.
But make sure you misspell some words so she believes it's me.
- "Heather, it's been great seeing you" - Oh, oh, spell "great" G-R-8.
"But now is not a good time for me.
" - Yeah.
- "You're a real special girl and I know you'll find someone great.
" - G-R-8.
- G-R-8, yeah.
I got it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
That's perfect.
I should let you break up with all my girlfriends.
- Send that.
- [chuckles.]
- Bingo.
- Yes! "Heather, I'm coming over.
There's something I need to tell you in person.
" Oh, what the hell? Welcome to adulthood.
Where are you going? Hey, come back here! New phone.
Who dis? Thanks for coming on such short notice, Dale.
Good to see you.
It's never good to see me, Beau.
The last three times, it was a cow in labor, a bull insemination, and Carol Palmer's wedding.
All of which took three hours longer than they should have.
Hey, Doc, how's your daughter doin'? As far as you're concerned, she's a lesbian.
She sure wasn't in high school.
So, what's going on with the calf, Dale? [shouting.]
Damn it, Dale, I said what's going on with the calf? Why are you shouting at me? Because you need a hearing aid, old man.
I do not need a hearing aid.
You need to stop mumbling, Grandpa.
I don't mumble.
Telling me I mumble [mumbling indistinctly.]
Yeah, yeah, you're both old.
So, uh, Doc, what do you think's going on with this calf? Well, looks like a bacteria infection.
Probably brought on by drinking standing water.
- Son of a bitch.
- Are we gonna lose him? Not necessarily.
You'll know in 24 hours, one way or the other.
What're our options? [shouting.]
For the love of God! What are our options, you old coot? Our options are that you adopt a civil tone with me or I'm leaving! You're right.
I'm sorry.
Jackass? Oh, that you can hear! [sighs.]
Well, the best thing you can do for this calf is to start him on a series of antibiotics.
But that's gonna cost you money and I know you for being a cheap bastard.
How much you gonna gouge me? Oh, the whole series will be about, uh, 250.
250? What, are you taking Charlene to Rome for your anniversary? Can you guarantee it's gonna work? [laughs.]
You know the answer to that as well as I do.
It may work, it may not.
" Always hated that word.
It's only when my birthday is, but whatever.
Well, the shots are cheaper than losing the calf.
Especially this close to market.
Not if we're gonna lose him anyway.
Then we're down 250, plus 1,200 for the calf.
So, what's your professional opinion? Well, if it was up to me, I'd give the calf shots.
Of course you would.
You get paid to give shots.
You know, I got kicked in the chest by a mule this morning and that visit was pleasanter than this one.
What's it gonna be, Beau? Look, Dad, if there's no guarantee it's gonna work, we should save the money and not do it.
Rooster, nobody asked you.
We're not gonna do it! Suit yourself.
You know the drill.
Push the fluids.
Electrolytes, if you got 'em.
Thanks, Dale.
If you need me, you can call, I'll be in the neighborhood.
I'm stopping over at the Anderson ranch.
That old man is a bigger pain in the ass than you are.
I wish that mule had kicked you harder.
What? Damn it.
Get your ears fixed, old man! I can't even insult you anymore! Hey, Doc, before you leave, um you check out a rash? Is it on an animal? Yeah.
It's it's on a rooster.
Well, say "what up" to your daughter for me.
You know, I do castrations, too.
- Hey, sexy.
- Hey.
So, I got your text.
What'd you want to talk about? Yeah, yeah.
Uh look, you know, I know you liked that lingerie I got you No, I loved your gift.
I'm wearing it right now.
Well, not the bottoms.
Oh, good Lord.
Um Yeah, look, about that, um You know, it's been real great seeing you.
And you're a super special girl and I'm sure you'll find a motorcade of great guys.
Wait, are you breaking up with me? - Yeah.
- Oh.
That's it? You ain't gonna cry? You're not mad? I wore I wore this cup for nothing? Colt, look, I'm just happy you did it in person and not over text like my last boyfriend.
What an asshole, that guy.
Um All right, well, cool.
You're sure you're okay? Colt, I'm not looking to get married or anything.
I'm young.
I thought you wanted to be in a relationship, you're the old one.
Trust me, it's no big deal.
All right.
Wow, this is That's This is really cool of you.
All right.
So, uh guess I'll see you around then.
Or we could keep having sex.
I am so glad I didn't break up with you over text.
Hey, how's he doing? [Beau.]
I brought you some soup from the bar.
Hank threw in some deer jerky.
Although I saw the front of his car was smashed in, so eat it at your own risk.
Not hungry.
You gotta take care of yourself.
I'm doing all right.
Okay, we're up to three-word answers.
That's progress.
Why are you here? Because you're my husband.
I'm not sure that word means the same to both of us.
Beau, I love you.
I'm just not sure that I can live with you.
What man doesn't want to hear that? I don't want to hurt you.
It's just the way it has to be.
That's the last thing I say to my steers just before I take them to be slaughtered.
Not you.
I just don't understand what's wrong with what we have.
Are you kidding me? We are a husband and a wife and we live in separate houses.
Might as well live in California.
It's worked for us for years.
Well, it's not working for me anymore.
Really? 'Cause, right now, I only see you about 10% of the time, but when I do, I have 100% of your attention.
If I move back in, I'd have 10% of your attention 100% of the time.
I got zero percent for you right now 'cause I gotta worry about this calf.
Oh, come on, Beau.
I worked this ranch with you for 30 years.
I know there's nothing to do for that calf but wait.
You're just using it as an excuse not to talk about this.
Then why are we still talking? [scoffs.]
You know, your attitude has made me change my mind.
I'd love to move back in and have every day be just like this.
Thanks for the soup.
Thanks for nothing.
What? She started it.
Hey, Mom, where you goin'? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
What happened? Did the cow die? Did Dad die? Did you kill Dad? - I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
- [engine starts.]
Are you sure you're all right? You want me to come down to the bar? Not to drink, but, you know, to talk.
Although I'll probably still have a drink, I mean, it is a bar.
No, just stay with your dad.
Love you, Jameson.
Love you too, Margaret.
I don't know why I said your first name like that.
You did it and it felt right, then I did it and it felt really weird.
Love you, Mom! [chuckles.]
There it is! That's better! Hey, Dad, what happened with Mom? Why is she so upset? Dad? Beau? That was weird.
Drake, where you going? Hey, where you going? Why won't anybody answer me? Hey, what's going on? I'm calling the vet.
I'm getting the antibiotics.
I thought we decided that was too expensive.
I changed my mind.
What? You don't change your mind.
You still think left-handed people just haven't learned how to use their right hand yet.
That calf will bring $1,200 if we can get it to the sale.
I'm gonna make the gamble.
Well, $250 is a lot of money right now.
What the hell are we supposed to do if something else goes wrong, huh? I mean, Colt's already burned down the barn and Mom's Airstream.
Who knows what he's gonna torch next? It's not a discussion, Rooster.
It's just one calf.
Did I miss the part where I asked for your opinion? I think you're letting your emotions get the better of you.
I'm saving that damn calf! Fine! Call the vet! You win, Dale.
I'll buy your damn drugs if you think it'll save my fucking calf.
Oh! I am so sorry, Charlene.
I am not a reckless driver.
I'm just saying, you were staring at me and you almost ran into that convertible.
Yeah, well, you both had your top down.
Why is there a light on in your barn? Oh.
Dad's probably still out there with that sick calf.
Oh, no, that's sad.
Should we go see if he needs some help? Oh, no.
My dad's not big on help.
Pretty sure if he was stranded on a desert island, he'd write a message in the sand that said, "I got this.
" Colt, come on.
We should at least go check on him.
If you do, I won't make you snuggle me after sex.
But I like that part.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Mr.
- Hi, Heather.
- How's he doin'? Well, he's got a bacterial infection.
- I just gave him a dose of antibiotics.
- Poor guy.
Same thing happened to my calf in 4-H.
You were in 4-H? I didn't know that.
To be fair, we don't do a lot of talking.
I was in 4-H when I was a kid.
I didn't know that.
To be fair, we don't do a whole lot of talking either.
I loved 4-H.
I named my first calf The Duke, after John Wayne.
I named mine Dairy Potter, after Harry Potter.
That's cute.
At least I think it is.
I had a gerbil named Warren Moon.
- You still remember the pledge? - [chuckles.]
"I pledge my head to clearer thinking.
My heart to greater loyalty.
" [both.]
"My hands to larger service and my health to better living.
" That was really cool.
"For my club" Oh, good, there's more.
"my community, my country, and my world.
" Amen.
[clears throat.]
Okay, this is great.
Heather, do you wanna head inside? Did your calf survive? Yeah, he did.
It was a rough 48 hours, but he pulled through.
Well, that's what we need here.
Two weeks later, he was mauled by a mountain lion.
Oh, shit.
Warren Moon choked on a piece of Lite-Brite.
Tried to give him the Heimlich.
Crushed his vertebrae.
Real sad.
You know, Mr.
Bennett, there's nothing much more you can do for him now.
You should probably just try to go get some rest.
Yeah, you're right about that.
But I'm fine here.
You guys go have a good night.
Come on, Heather.
You know it's just bad luck, really.
Happens to even the greatest ranchers.
Well, I appreciate you saying that, sweetheart.
[Heather chuckles.]
- Good night, Mr.
- Good night.
Say hi to your mom.
Good night, Dad.
Good luck.
Dad took quite a shine to you.
Well, yeah, he's so easy to get along with.
Oh, you're serious.
Oh, no, he's not.
I can't believe he hugged you.
'Course he only hugged me twice in my life and one time, I think he just tripped and grabbed me to keep from falling.
Guys do that to me all the time.
Except they always land like this.
Honestly I never took you for the 4-H type.
What type did you think I was? [chuckles.]
- I don't know.
Hot cheerleader? - [both chuckle.]
Yeah, well, I wasn't.
Doesn't it make you mad when people assume you're just a really attractive football player? No.
It's awesome.
Yeah, well, I was a tomboy.
It's what got me competing in rodeos.
Whoa, hold on.
You were in rodeos? Yeah! Still am.
Me and my cousin were Colorado All Girls Roping Champs last year.
You guys must've been really good.
Hell yeah, we were good.
I mean, you think you've got a lot of trophies up in your room, just wait till you see mine.
I even got a picture with the president.
Really? W? - Obama.
- Oh.
So, uh, what's up, you still compete? Yeah.
Got a roping in a couple weeks.
I'd love to come down and see you ride.
Really? Yeah.
But just know, if you mess up, you will be heckled.
Boo! [chuckles.]
I'd like it if you came out and watched.
I work really hard at it.
Maybe afterward we could get dinner or something? Sure.
I think that'd be fun.
I think it would.
So, we're still having sex tonight, right? Fuck yeah.
So, roping, huh? Tied up a calf, you ever tie up a colt? And the boy's crying, "Shane! Shane! Come back, Shane.
" Then Shane rides off into the night.
I don't know why, but it gets me every time, too.
I remember that movie.
We watched it on our honeymoon.
Three times.
You drive all the way back out here to tell me that I ruined our honeymoon, too? [sniffles.]
I didn't go home.
I've just been driving around, thinking.
I I came up here before to see if I could help you, I didn't wanna add to your problems.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, too.
I should have taken the time to talk to you.
If it makes you feel any better, I burned my tongue on the soup.
Actually, yeah.
It does.
Beau, I I wanna be with you.
I want to be with you too, Mags.
But I want a lot of other things, too.
I want my bar.
I want to travel.
And I want my Airstream.
It's my retreat.
It's where I think, and dream, and, I don't know, get high and listen to Bonnie Raitt, and cook burritos naked.
I just don't know if I can do those things if we're living together.
Well I suppose I can get to like Bonnie Raitt, but the burritos are a deal-breaker.
What about you? Aren't there other things you want? Here's what I want, Mags I want you me, and the ranch.
The boys are optional.
Well, you have all that.
I'm 70 years old.
I don't know how much time I have left.
I want to live under the same roof as my wife.
I like my life the way it is.
I like my space.
You like it more than being a family? We are a family, Beau.
We haven't been a family since you left.
And if there's no chance in changing that then maybe we oughta call it quits.
Are you talking about a divorce? I guess so.
There it is.
Hey, where you been? Dropping off Heather.
What are you guys still doing up? - [Rooster grunts.]
- Calf's dead.
Sorry, Dad.
Well, I should've listened to Rooster.
Could have gone either way.
Don't ever apologize for not taking Rooster's advice.
It's been a lousy couple of days.
And all I got to show for it is a vet bill for a dead calf.
How's things with Ma? I don't wanna talk about it.
You sure? Yeah.
All right.
Let's get the tractor and put that calf in the ground.
We can take care of that in the morning.
Today sucked.
Let's get it over with, put it behind us.
He's right.
Plus, Colt's volunteering for work.
We can't miss this opportunity.
Yeah, it's not like I'm going to sleep tonight, anyway.
Thanks, boys.
Look Dad, I'm just glad you [grunts.]
I feel so safe.
Dude, that does not count.
I'm still up four hugs to two.
[country music playing.]

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