The Ranch (2016) s01e09 Episode Script

There Goes My Life

Where'd you learn to make coffee like this? Campin'.
I was a Girl Scout.
- A Girl Scout? - Yeah.
Still got the uniform? [chuckles.]
Yeah, but it's too small and it smells like cookies.
All right, stop.
I know what I want for Christmas.
Colt, you used my towel again, asshole.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that.
It's just so dark up in the bathroom with the power out, I don't know what I'm reaching for.
But, full disclosure I may have wiped with the sock that you left outside by the hamper.
Full disclosure, I've been wearing your socks.
Should I not bring clothes over here anymore? - Come on, let's go to work.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, darling.
- Mmm-hmm.
Hey, you wanna meet up tonight? I don't know.
I'm supposed to hang out with my sister, Darlene.
She just got through a really bad breakup.
Bad breakup, huh? She sounds hot.
She is hot.
And she finally got rid of that deadbeat asshole of a boyfriend.
Well, would you say deadbeat assholes are kind of her type? Hey, she just got out of a relationship.
Yeah, her ex left her right after the baby was born.
Might be a good change for her to go out with a nice guy.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah, so we're in agreement.
She should not go out with Rooster.
Stop, he is a good guy.
Maybe the four of us could go out.
Rooster don't like blind dates, so Oh, uh, hell yeah, I do.
I mean, dating is like fishing, you know? You can sit on the water all day and not catch a bite.
But a blind date? That's like a guy drives up in a boat and just throws you a fish.
After that, all you gotta do is clean it and eat it.
You must really hate your sister.
It'll be fun.
- Promise.
I'll tell Darlene.
- [Rooster.]
- Call me later.
- [Colt.]
Oh, hey, don't forget to look for that Girl Scout uniform.
Hey, you hear that, pal? It'll be fun.
Yo, come on.
You cannot go out with Darlene.
- Why not? - 'Cause I've got a good thing going with Heather, and I'd I just I know how you are with women.
You mean awesome? Yeah, so awesome that Cindy Wilson keyed your car? [chuckles.]
That was an accident.
Yeah, oh, she accidentally wrote, "Rooster Bennett's got a tiny penis"? Technically, she wrote, "Rooster Bennett's got a tiny pen," 'cause I caught her.
That's why I bought all those tiny pens just to not confuse anybody.
What about Tammy? She was so pissed, she set your underwear on fire.
So? Big deal.
You were still wearing 'em! Look, man, that was a long time ago, all right? I'm not gonna do anything to mess up you and Heather.
All right.
Just behave.
Yeah, that's my middle name.
Jameson "Rooster" "Behave" "Big Dick" Bennett.
[theme song playing.]
[vehicle approaching.]
Man, I'm exhausted.
- Yeah, me too.
- [yawns.]
If somebody told me there was a million dollars out in that field, I don't know if I could go pick it up.
Still going to the bar, right? Oh, hell yeah.
How is it that you two are so tired at the end of every day, but you still muster enough energy to go out drinking every night? 'Cause it ain't work when you're doing something you love.
That Mom? Yeah.
Said she wanted to talk.
Oh, well, as fun as that sounds, I'm gonna make like Colt and abandon this family.
I resent that.
And just to prove a point, I'll stay out here with you, Dad.
Hey, Ma.
Colt, could we have a minute? I gave it a shot.
Maggie, I know I said I could talk, but [sighs.]
I've been up since 4:00 this morning.
How about we do this another day? Unless you've got some really good news.
I made us an appointment to go to counseling.
That wasn't it.
I know you don't wanna talk about your feelings.
When the guy at the gas station says, "How you doing?" you tell him to stop prying.
If I wanted him to know, he'd know.
Okay, well I don't wanna get divorced.
[grunts softly.]
Well, I hate talking to strangers and I hate spending money.
Now you're asking me to do both? No.
We won't have to pay and it won't be a total stranger.
Priscilla, in my book club, she's a licensed therapist.
She helped out Noreen and Will.
Will left Noreen for Stan at the feed store.
And she helped Will to realize his true feelings.
I could've told Will that 20 years ago.
I really do think it will help us.
She's an expert on marriage.
And what makes her an expert? The fact that your book club read Bridges of Madison County? This is my busiest time of the year.
I know you're busy.
But there'll always be a reason to put it off.
All right, we agree.
Let's never do it.
You want me to move back in, right? 'Course I do.
Well, the only way that's gonna happen is if we start connecting more.
I really do think it would help us to see Priscilla.
And afterwards, I'll treat you to a burger if you want.
If I'm sharing feelings, I'm eating steak.
Well, let's see how the first session goes.
Wait a minute.
There's more than one? So, Darlene, how do you scratch out a living? Well, four days a week, Mom watches the kids and I work down at the nursing home.
Mostly, my job consists of dealing with cranky senior citizens.
Hey, mine too.
You guys are ranchers, right? Yeah, Colt works on my ranch.
You like being a rancher? Did Jesus like being a carpenter? What? No, I'm just saying, you know, I didn't choose it, it chose me.
I mean, ranching game's tough, you know? You gotta be strong, muscular, but also sensitive, gentle, you know, with a real caring touch.
Are you fucking kidding me? Well, I may have used some bold imagery, but I My ex just posted a picture with him and his skanky new girlfriend.
Is that the trashiest bikini you've ever seen? Oh, come on, you are so much hotter than her.
Well, they're [stuttering.]
Those are That Those are too big.
I should, uh, probably weigh in on this.
What an ass! [chuckles.]
What an ass.
Listen, Darlene, forget about him.
We're all having a good time here.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
You know, he's the loser, 'cause my date's way prettier than his.
I'm guessing, 'cause I didn't really get to see the picture.
Are you shitting me? Is that the Eiffel Tower? Whoa! He took her to Vegas? This asshole, the father of one of my children, is getting married to this dick garage.
All right, man, I like this chick.
I'm never getting married.
I'm gonna be one of those pathetic losers who lives at home forever.
- Oh, you know, that's just like family - There's no shame in that.
- Togetherness is really a move - Eff my effing L! Darlene Well, she seems stable.
Yeah, no kidding.
Hey, how's that chick, huh? She got them tig ol' bitties? [scoffs.]
I'm gonna get another round.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Abby.
Hey, Colt.
What is all that yelling coming from your table? Oh, yeah, Rooster's on a blind date.
Got it.
Uh, where's, uh, Kenny? On Fridays, she waits here for him to get off from the Marriott.
And then, they usually go see a movie.
Sorry for me taking an interest in my friends.
[chuckles softly.]
I see you're still with Heather.
So, when you guys go out, does she order off the kids' menu? No, as long as they have crayons so she can draw on the place mat, she's happy.
What do you do, you just sit around all day and think these things up? Yeah, in detention I run 'em by the kids.
You know, 'cause they're the same age as Heather.
That one's mine.
I just came up with that.
- I'll give you that one.
- [chuckles.]
Hey, uh, I got your text.
Your your truck's still making that noise? Yeah.
I replaced the fan belt like you said but, uh, it's still doing it.
Is it like a high pitch Like a [imitates squealing.]
No, it's more like a [imitates growling.]
You drivin' a truck or a bear? Hey, you know what? Bring it by the house.
I'll take a look at it.
- Thanks, I will.
- Yeah.
Don't you have to get back to your date? He wants to but Rooster's date's all broken up about her ex.
Oh, Hank, you gotta Actually, he's right.
I'll see ya, Ab.
See you.
- Hey.
- [Rooster sighs.]
Where's Darlene? She's really upset.
I think I gotta take her home.
That's all right.
I'll get her home.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I don't mind.
You guys have fun.
Thank you.
Um, and once you get her home, Mom can take care of the rest of it.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I'll get her.
Remember what we talked about.
I don't want anything messing things up with me and Heather.
Relax, man, I will be a complete gentleman.
Hey, can I borrow a couple quarters for the condom machine? Dude! I'm kidding I already got some.
Dude! I'm joking, man.
Shit, you know I don't use condoms.
Hi, Priscilla.
Hi, Maggie.
Hello, Beau.
Glad you two decided to come.
I'm not laying on a couch.
Well, I don't even have a couch in here.
What kind of a therapist doesn't have a couch? Now, I should start by saying that, though this is my home, please consider it a completely professional place.
Uh, however, I do ask that if you need to use the restroom, please knock, as my teenage son, Justin, recently discovered his body.
Okay, so let's talk about your marriage.
I'm not even sure what we have can be called a marriage.
Real helpful, Beau.
Actually, it's very helpful.
Very good, Beau.
He believes that you two are not in a marriage.
Now, I encourage you both to say how you're feeling.
I'm feeling like going home.
Beau, you agreed to come here.
At least give it a chance.
You say you're open to things, but you're not.
You either shut down or complain.
This is so great.
- Are you gonna keep doing that? - Doing what? Saying "good" every time we say something bad about each other? Let's try this.
Maggie when would you say things started to go awry between the two of you? Well I know that once I bought the bar, he started to resent me.
Are you serious? Is that really why we came here? To rehash stuff that we've been fighting about for years? [scoffs.]
Oh, we don't fight, Beau.
I bring something up, you shut me down, and that's the end of the discussion.
That's not true.
End of discussion.
Okay, fine.
You wanna talk about something new? Brenda Sanders.
Oh, here we go.
You gotta be kidding.
You're going to bring up Brenda here? I told you, I didn't sleep with her.
Well, I had to walk around with the whole town thinking you did.
- No one thought that.
- Oh, we all did.
You know what? I'm done.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Well, that was a good session.
Priscilla, shut the fuck up.
Hey, Rooster.
Thanks for taking care of things last night.
Oh, I took care of things last night, all right.
Wait, after all of that, you still hooked up with her sister? No, I did not.
I did not, in fact, hook up with Heather's sister.
[Rooster clears throat.]
Mom? No! What are you doing here? Uh I'm sorry, sweetie.
I didn't plan for this to happen.
Colt, this is Mary, Heather's mom.
- Heather, Mary, uh - [chuckles.]
No introduction needed.
Uh, nice to meet you.
I'm really surprised this happened, given our conversation.
Yeah, I thought you took Darlene home.
Uh, yes, I did.
And taking her home on my motorcycle was a bit of a mixed blessing.
The sound of the bike, you know, kind of drowned out most of her tears.
But then I pulled up to this light and had to explain to a cop that I was not, in fact, kidnapping her.
So [Mary chuckles.]
Yeah, he got Darlene home safe and sound.
He was so sweet.
He even sang her baby a lullaby.
Yeah, Ozzy Osbourne, "Crazy Train.
" - Whoo-hoo.
All aboard.
- [Mary chuckles.]
And then we started talking.
Turns out, Mary has always had the hots for the Rooster.
Oh, God That is not what I said.
What I said was, "The Bennett men are all very handsome.
" - It's true.
- I bowl with your father.
Oh, great.
Now my dad's hot.
He really is.
How would you like it if I said your mom's hot? Hey, back off.
We talked for hours.
You know, once you get past "the Rooster," Jameson is a really sweet, smart, sensitive guy.
You can't prove that.
So I offered him some wine, and we started talking about our lives in Garrison, and then one thing led to another and then Yeah, we didn't want, you know, Darlene to wake up and see us, 'cause [chuckles.]
that would be awkward.
That would be awkward.
Well, it's a little hot in here.
Yeah, he gets hot flashes.
He's going through the change.
[Mary chuckles.]
You know what, honey, um, why don't you grab your coat and I'll drop you at home before work? Okay.
[clears throat.]
- Hey, where do you work? - Cracker Barrel.
Oh, shit.
Get us a discount? - You know I can.
- [Rooster chuckles.]
I know this is a little fast, but I think I love you.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Bye, Rooster.
All right, Roth girls, y'all have a good day.
Hey what did you do? Colt it would be unsavory to give you the details of the things I did to your girlfriend's mom last night.
You cannot date Heather's mom! Are you intentionally trying to fuck up my life? You don't need my help to fuck up your life.
Who does that? I mean, I was cool with you going out with her sister, but you don't bang the mom, dude.
Hey, I like the mom, dude.
No, you don't.
That's bullshit.
You like any woman standing in front of you.
You liked her daughter earlier in the night.
Yeah, that's 'cause her daughter's hot.
But Mary's hot and cool, you know.
Like a sandwich with buffalo sauce and ranch dressing.
It's my girlfriend's mom! [stammers.]
You know, you just don't care about anybody, do you? Look, man, I'm closer in age to her than you are to Heather, all right? You think about it, you're the weirdo who's dating a 23-year-old.
No, you think about it, you're an asshole.
That is no way to speak to your future father-in-law.
[thunder rumbling.]
Your calves look healthy to me, Beau.
A good thing, too, because I know if they didn't, you wouldn't have the money for me to fix 'em.
You know, I'd insult you back, but I know you wouldn't hear it 'cause you're deaf.
- What? - I said, "Thanks for coming over.
" Can I get you some coffee? Coffee? No [stammers.]
Whiskey'd be good, though.
That Jim Beam looks fine.
Are you kidding? It's 10:30 in the morning.
I don't know.
Phyllis Diller, I guess.
[thunder rumbling.]
Some weather comin' in.
You feelin' it in your knee? I see the clouds.
You blind, too? No, but I wish I was, then I wouldn't have to look at your sour old puss.
- Here you go.
- Cheers.
I got somethin' I wanna ask you, Dale.
About as long as you're pourin', I'm listenin'.
How have you and Charlene stayed together for so long? Well, part of it's love part of it's hard work.
Big part of it is when she starts telling me about how her day is goin', I I turn my bad ear toward her and every once in a while say, "Yep.
Sure sounds tough.
" Well Maggie and I are havin' a hard time.
I don't even know what the right thing to do is anymore.
Sure sounds tough.
Damn it, Dale.
You know back in the ranch, I had two old horses.
Both over 20 years old.
One of 'em was a mare, one of 'em was a gelding.
And they were almost inseparable.
I remember those two.
- What? - I said, "I remember those two.
" Well, who cares if you do? I'm telling the story here.
Well, the mare kept biting at the gelding's tail.
And the gelding kept stealing carrots meant for her.
Then one day, she up and died.
Just old age.
Ten days later the gelding followed her.
Are you saying that horse died of a broken heart? Oh, hell no.
It's the worst case of colic I ever saw.
Probably from all 'em carrots he stole.
I had to put him down.
So, if Maggie dies, I should avoid eating carrots? Look, all I'm saying is if we care for something we sometimes have to put up with things that annoy us.
Like you and me.
You know, I don't like you one bit.
Well, I don't care for you much, either.
And if you need to talk, let me know.
I'll charge you by the hour.
Sure sounds tough.
[exhales heavily.]
Oh, hey, Colt.
Hey, Mrs.
Oh, come on, you can call me Mary.
I am fucking your brother.
Yeah, your daughter and I are I can't say it.
Look, I know today was weird.
[clears throat.]
It's still kind of weird.
When I was coming down those stairs with my panties tucked into my purse, I just thought, "Mary [chuckles.]
this is not your finest hour.
" On the other hand how often do you get to do the walk of shame in front of your daughter and her boyfriend? Huh? I mean, come on, that's one for the highlight reel.
If you're tryin' to make this less weird, it ain't working.
I know.
You know, if I could do last night over again, I would do it differently.
You know? I would talk to Heather.
I would talk to you.
I would make sure y'all were okay with it.
But honey, that's not how it happened and here we are.
All right, look, if you want to date a Bennett, - I got a cousin who's a doctor - [chuckles.]
I mean, it's true, he's a dent doctor.
He pulls out dents in cars, but I mean, still, it's better than Rooster.
Honey, look I had my first kid when I was 17.
I mean, it's only recently I've gotten to live my own life.
I didn't really get to have my 20s.
So that's why you're dating Rooster, you want to do something you'll regret? [laughs.]
You know what? That's funny.
That's exactly what I told Heather when she told me she was dating Colt Bennett.
All right.
[chuckles softly.]
I get it.
Look, I'm I'm sure moving forward things will get better.
'Sup, amigo? Yeah, it ain't gettin' better.
Hey, Heather, your little boyfriend's here.
You two don't stay out too late now.
Come on, babe, Shark Tank is about to start.
You got a minute? [sighs.]
You know what? I'm done.
Sound familiar? It does.
Maggie, you annoy me.
Aw, thank you.
Other men bring flowers.
And I know that I annoy you.
But if this is gonna work, we're both gonna have to put up with some stuff.
All right.
I'm sorry about walking out when you brought up Brenda.
What do you want me to say? I was lost.
You'd just moved out.
I needed to get a haircut.
She cut hair.
I was upset over you.
Her husband had just passed.
We talked.
That's it.
I know all that.
I brought up Brenda to prove a point.
When things get uncomfortable, you shut down.
And I'm afraid if I move back into that house we're gonna go back to the way we were before I left.
I'm not saying things are gonna be perfect.
Oh, that was clear when you told me I annoy you.
I'm a different person than I was 15 years ago.
And I don't wanna go back to the way it was, either.
Oh glad to hear that.
I don't wanna lose you, Mags.
You know, in your whole life, you only get one person who knows you best.
And that's you.
Damn it, Beau.
When did you learn to say all the right things? I saw The Bridges of Madison County.
I think your mom is awesome.
It's just that Rooster's not.
I don't want what's going on with them to screw us up.
Fine, say they do break up.
Yeah, let's pray they break up.
No, who cares? They got their thing and we got ours.
I like you.
Nothing's changin' that, no matter what they do.
Give me a second.
Dear Lord, break 'em up.
Go, Broncos.
[Heather chuckles.]
Look, if you're okay with this, I won't worry.
I might still kick my brother's ass - [chuckles.]
- but we'll be fine.
- High school phenom, Colt Bennett.
- Oh, yeah.
Your table's ready.
Did you seriously put that as your name? You want a free appetizer or not? [scoffs.]
Yeah, well, we're already getting my mom's discount.
Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure free is cheaper than 40% - but I'm no mathmagician.
- [chuckles.]
Hey, isn't that Kenny and Abby? Oh, yeah, it is.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
Hey, Colt.
Hi, Heather.
Uh, oh, Kenny, your, uh, napkin fell on your lap.
- So, how are you guys doing? - [Kenny.]
Just celebrating our anniversary.
We had our first date here five years ago.
Yeah, anyway, nice to see you two.
I'm sure you wanna get going and enjoy a nice dinner at your own table.
Easy, Ken Dog.
I'm pretty sure this barrel's big enough for the both of us.
No, I'm sorry.
I just meant that it would be better if Oh, look at that.
You got the chocolate Fuck me.
Kenny, is that Are you Sweetie [sighs.]
Uh, this isn't how I planned it, but, uh Ah [stammers.]
you are smart, you're beautiful you're oddly competitive.
You could have picked anybody in the world, and you chose me.
I love you more than anything in the world.
- [chuckles.]
- Abby Phillips - [smacks lips.]
will you marry me? - [gasps.]
Of course.
[Abby laughs.]
Oh, my God.
- [chuckles.]
- Yeah.
[clears throat.]
[somber country music playing.]

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