The Ranch (2016) s01e15 Episode Script

Ooh! You got an interview, church or a funeral? I'm trying to catch Abby before she goes to work, ask her on our first official date.
Mmm.
I'm gonna file that under "funeral.
" I'm even wearing the Dockers that make my butt look good.
Either that or my butt makes these Dockers look good.
- Kind of a chicken or egg thing.
- Mmm-hmm.
If the chicken has a hot ass.
Plus, I'm wearing my lucky shirt.
Why is that your lucky shirt? Wearing this the day I made the Buffalo Bills practice squad.
You were cut the next day.
I wasn't wearing the shirt the next day.
Also, I wore it during my public intoxication hearing.
You were found guilty.
I got probation.
It's just a fancy word for innocent.
[chuckles.]
What are you doing? [sighs.]
Checking out a website for bull semen.
Shouldn't you be doing something work-related? [both chuckle.]
Dad's looking to improve the genetics of the herd, so I figured I'd check out other options.
Check it out, man.
It's like Tinder for bulls.
Ooh! Boy, look at that cowboy, Troy.
Yeah, but you got to check out Big Dennis, huh? We should be calling him "Very Big Dennis.
" Yeah, but look at the scrotum on Troy.
Dude, the scrotum on Dennis is massive, man.
Think about the amount of semen that thing's gonna churn out.
This why my computer has so many pop-ups? Hey, Dad, you gotta check this out.
Yeah, nothing like checking out scrotums with my sons.
We're looking at a new supplier for bull semen.
I'll take care of that.
Right, you'll do it, because if we do it, we'll just screw it up, right? When he dies, he's gonna come back from the dead to haunt us.
Just to tell us what a half-ass job we did burying him.
[imitating Beau.]
"You call that a grave?" That stuff costs over $200 a shot, from the bulls with the best genes.
I'm not gonna trust you two with my semen.
- [both laughing.]
- Come on, man.
I wasn't gonna laugh, but then you started laughing! I wasn't gonna laugh Nah, you started smiling.
No, you had a little crinkle - in the corner.
- No.
No.
That's what I'm talking about.
You can't even talk about it, let alone do it.
- Hey, Mom.
- Mom? Hey, boys.
You, uh, spend the night? Yep.
Uh you moving back in? No.
We're getting a divorce.
I'm starting to think this ain't my lucky shirt.
[theme song playing.]
[doorbell ringing.]
Colt, what are you doing here? I couldn't sleep last night.
I was I just kept thinking about what we talked about.
Okay.
I told you I was gonna prove to you how much you mean to me.
At 6:30 in the morning? [stammers.]
6:30, noon, 3:00.
Whatever it takes.
We couldn't have started at 3:00? [chuckles.]
Nope, this couldn't wait.
You're looking at the new Colt.
The Colt that's gonna win you over.
Got you your favorite flowers.
Oh, my God, those are lilies.
I'm allergic to lilies.
I knew I remembered lilies for a reason.
[chuckles.]
Just You know what? Okay.
There we go.
[chuckles.]
All right, that new Colt starts now.
[chuckles.]
That was a very sweet gesture.
Thank you.
Abby you're the best thing in my life.
And I know I'm not gonna win you over in a day, but I'm gonna try every day until I do.
Means a lot that you said that.
- Being the case [grunts.]
- Wait.
Colt, hold on.
Whoa, relax, if I was proposing, we'd be in a luxury suite at Talladega.
Abby Gail Phillips will you go out with me? Wait.
Do you think my middle name is "Gail"? Yeah, that's what your Mom called you when she was mad at you.
"Abby Gail, get in here.
" My name's Abigail.
That's what I said.
Abby Gail.
No.
It's one word.
Abigail.
- Huh! - [giggles.]
That's Well, the new Colt starts now.
I would love to go on a date with you.
Fuck yeah! [chuckles.]
But I gotta get going.
I'm gonna be late for school.
All right.
All right, you get going.
[stammers.]
Get yourself ready for something classy.
I hope you like lobster.
Red Lobster.
Allergic to shellfish.
The new Colt starts at the Outback Steakhouse.
So, how you boys doing? Dad won't let us buy semen.
Wow.
[sighs.]
Where to begin? Bull semen, Ma.
We wanna be in charge of inseminating the herd this year, and Dad's being an asshole about it.
[stammers.]
It ain't just inseminating the cows.
We we run into Ed Bishop the other day and we were talking about doing a deal with Neumann Hill.
Dad won't even listen to our opinion.
It's the same thing he was doing when we brought up solar panels.
Same thing when we talked about expanding the herd.
- Same thing.
- Same thing when we talked about - doing a kegerator on the porch.
- Same thing.
Well, hang in there.
It took me 40 years to figure out how to get along with him.
You're getting a divorce.
Yeah.
That's how you get along with him.
How you getting along with that, anyway? All right.
It's tough to close that door, but I'm sure another one will open.
Knock, knock.
[Colt.]
Ah, shit.
It's Kenny.
Boy, that's too bad.
Boy, that's too bad.
The hell are you doing? Practicing for when he tells us about Abby.
Hey, Rooster.
Colt.
Hey.
Kenny, how you doing? Ah, I'm all right.
Hey, uh, I don't know if you heard, but Abby and I broke up.
Boy, that's too bad.
Thanks.
Yeah, you know, whoever, uh, Abby ends up with next, man, that's gonna be a huge downgrade.
Yeah.
I don't know if he's gonna be a huge downgrade.
Oh, no, no.
He'll be a fucking idiot.
You guys wanna grab a table? Uh, actually, you know, we gotta we gotta get going.
Oh.
No, we don't.
Come on, man.
Our friend's hurtin'.
Why you gotta be such an asshole? Oh, I don't "gotta be," I just enjoy it.
All right, Ken-Dog.
Give us the scoop.
It just happened out of nowhere.
I mean, we were planning the wedding, we just sent out the save-the-date cards and and what am I supposed to do now? Send out "do whatever you want that date 'cause I'm not getting married" cards? I mean, the worst part is, I don't even know why she did it.
Yeah, I find it's better to not know.
But the headline is "Move on.
" I wish I could, but she's everywhere I look.
Last night, I come home from work, turn on the TV.
What's on? A re-run of Downton Abbey.
Last week, I was Lady Mary, now I'm Lady Edith.
That's What the fuck channels you watch? Hey.
You know what you need? ESPN.
A guys' night.
Oh, that'd be cool.
I'm not gonna have a bachelor party now.
Yeah, man.
Bachelor parties are overrated anyway.
I mean, once all the fun is done, you still gotta take that stripper to the Walgreens, wait for her to pee on a stick.
All right.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
How about this weekend? Hell yeah, man.
We're gonna get fucking weird.
Yeah, we are.
You know, I You guys you guys have fun.
It sounds awesome.
I got plans, so - What, you got a date? - Yeah, Colt.
You got a date? Do I? Did I get a date? [stammers.]
No.
I mean, well, I got a, uh, date with a cow that needs inseminating.
I mean, not by me.
[stammering.]
I mean, sure, I'm gonna put my arm up in there and Do the I got plans.
So Oh, come on, man.
A night of drinking without Colt Bennett? That's like A Prairie Home Companion without Garrison Keillor.
What the fuck channels do you watch? [vehicle approaching.]
Oh, well, Jerry's here.
[sighs.]
I can't believe this.
I didn't think I'd ever get a divorce.
I didn't think I'd ever let a lawyer on my property.
Hey, Maggie.
Good to see you.
Don't shoot, Beau.
Don't give me a reason to, Jerry.
- [laughing.]
How are you? - Good to see you.
Good.
- Whoa, huh? - Yeah.
Any luck, my nuts will thaw by April.
[Jerry exclaims.]
I can't believe that it's been so long since I've seen you both.
Yeah.
God, remember how our boys loved playing together? - Yeah.
- How are yours doing? Yeah, well, um, Kevin is an orthopedic surgeon.
Thank you.
And, um, Brett, he is, uh, working in one of those, uh, start-up jobs in Silicon Valley.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
How about Colt and Rooster? - The same.
- Oh.
Well, great.
Yeah, this shouldn't really take long, should be pretty darn easy.
I generally do wills.
But this is sort of like, you know, the death of a marriage, so [laughing.]
If you don't like that, you're not gonna like any of my other jokes, either.
- I got one for you.
- Okay.
What do they call a lawyer at the gun range? A target.
What do they call a lawyer that ruins your damn joke? [chuckles.]
Well, you're How about a rancher that tells you the same damn joke every time he sees you? All right, huh? [chuckles.]
Okay.
Let's get down to some business here.
[clears throat.]
Um My understanding is that the bar will remain in Maggie's name.
And then, as as far as the, uh, ownership of the ranch.
Maggie, you're just gonna sign your half over to Beau.
Actually, I've thought about it, and I want to give my half to Colt and Rooster.
You're gonna do what? [Jerry clears throat.]
It's my half, and I want to give it to the boys.
I'd rather you gave it to the cows, they earned it.
You know, actually, you can leave money to an animal.
There is a cat in Grand Junction, that is worth almost half a million dollars.
I thought this was gonna be easy.
Well [scoffs.]
nothing with you is easy.
Nothing with me is easy? I'll be lucky if you don't skip town in the middle of this conversation.
[sighs.]
You know what? I consider both of you to be friends, but you guys are not on the same page.
So I'm just gonna tell you this straight away.
[inhales.]
If you can't settle this, you're gonna have to sell the ranch and split the money.
We're on the same page.
Just tell Maggie she can't give her half to the boys.
Except, actually, she can.
Oh, shut the fuck up, Jerry.
All right, I'm just gonna bill this as a half hour, and I will talk to you later.
No, no, Jerry, stay.
We have to get through this.
If he's not gonna leave, then I am.
I'll see you.
Yeah.
- [sighs.]
- So, uh Which one is the doctor? Uh, Colt or Rooster? Rooster.
Dr.
Rooster.
You know the best thing about these Dockers? Stain guard.
You can spill pretty much anything on 'em, it just wicks right off.
Whoosh.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
Dude! Now, you got beer nuts.
[laughs.]
- Hey, guys.
- Oh-ho! There he is.
Hey, and Colt's here.
And he's drinking again, and he's pissed his pants.
- This is awesome.
- [Rooster chuckles.]
What's going on? Guys' night.
- Tonight? - [Rooster.]
Oh! Did I forget to mention that when I asked you if you had anything to do tonight and you said no? - Definitely did not.
- Huh! Guys' night! Let's get weird.
- Oh, let's get weird.
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah, yeah.
Let's get weird.
Joke's on you.
Taught my dick how to drink beer.
All right, boys.
[clears throat.]
We're gonna play a little game called "Eraser.
" Uh, how does it work? Take a shot.
[sighs.]
Okay.
- All right, now, who dumped you? - Ugh! [groans.]
Abby.
Take another shot.
- All right.
- Now, who dumped you? - Abby.
- [both.]
Drink.
Oh, guys.
I don't know if this is the healthiest way to process this, but I'm having a lot of fun.
[chuckles.]
Look, man, this is what you gotta do when you get dumped.
Or so I assume, you know, the Rooster's actually never been dumped.
Bullshit.
You've been dumped by a lot of girls.
None that I remember.
Thank you, Eraser.
All right, what about Suzy Gardner? - [chuckles.]
- Oh! Who's Suzy Gardner? Oh.
Suzy Gardner, man.
She's a chick who broke up with me at the county fair.
Tell you one thing, if you're gonna cheat on your girlfriend, don't do it in a fun house.
She saw it in, like, 72 different mirrors.
[Kenny chuckles.]
I got dumped by a girl once, I went to the bar, got so drunk the bartender had to take me home.
She stayed the night.
[chuckles.]
That's awesome.
I want to do that tonight.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe not here.
The bartender's our mom.
- Yeah.
- So, what do you want to do, Kenny? Strip club? Indian casino? Gun range? Oh, Indian stripper in a gun range? Oh, I don't know about that.
Fine.
A "Native American" stripper in a gun range? No, I know what I want to do.
It's crazy.
Illegal.
And something we'll remember forever.
I like the way this sounds.
- I wanna go to the high school.
- [Rooster softly.]
Yeah? Break into Abby's classroom and steal back my grandmother's Precious Moments collectible figurine.
[laughs.]
Maybe we should just let him fuck Mom.
Chilly night.
Yeah.
Let's conserve our body heat by not talking.
I don't wanna fight.
No, you just want to take my ranch away from me.
That's not true.
I just think it's time that Colt and Rooster play a bigger role around here.
You know, the other day, Colt was sleeping in late.
I went up to wake him up.
He was wearing a cucumber facial mask.
Said his skin dries out in the harsh winter air.
That's what I'm dealing with here.
I'm not saying they're John Wayne.
But they work hard and they love this ranch every bit as much as we do.
And, by the way, John Wayne wore makeup every day of his professional life.
The only way John Wayne had cucumber on his face is if he was punching a salad.
The boys act like children.
Well, if they do, it's because you made them that way.
No, no, no, don't lay that pile of shit at my boots.
Nobody forces them to stay out all night drinking, and then spend all day talking about it.
[imitating.]
"Remember how much we drank last night? It was badass.
Ha-ha-ha.
" You know, you hardly let them do anything.
And when you do, you just tell them they did it wrong.
That's because they do it wrong.
How else are they gonna learn? Kids grow up when they have to.
Like you did when your dad died.
Damn right.
And when he died, I had no idea what to do.
I just figured it out.
[scoffs.]
But it doesn't have to be that way.
You don't have to die and make them struggle like that.
Teach them.
Yeah I think I'll just die.
You know, you talk so much about tradition and how badly you want this ranch to stay in the family.
And yet, you're not willing to do the one thing that will make that happen.
Oh, believe me, Maggie, when I'm gone I'd love nothing more than to look down and see them running this place the right way, but I'm not gonna hold my breath.
How sweet, Beau that you think you'll be looking down.
[whispering.]
Yeah.
This one's Abby's.
Come on.
[Colt straining.]
Well, this is different.
Sneaking into a school.
[grunts.]
[Rooster.]
Wait, hang on.
We forgot about Jack.
Leave no man behind.
[chuckling.]
It's so weird being drunk in a high school classroom.
[Rooster.]
Yeah.
[Colt.]
Yeah.
Totally.
It's Look, they're studying the War of 1812.
Yeah, most people don't know how closely that's tied to the Napoleonic War.
What? I know things.
Look at this.
Classic Abby.
All the pens lined up, ready to go.
So organized here, yet at home, none of our chip bags have chip clips.
None of 'em! Let it out, Kenny.
Let it out.
You know, before we grab that figurine, let's, uh let's break some stuff! Yeah, Kenny's a badass.
Or or we could go to other classrooms and break stuff in there, and then she's gotta deal with her angry co-workers.
She ain't gonna like sitting in the teachers' lounge on that day.
All right, all right, um Well, come on, guys.
We gotta do something.
Like - Uh, what are you thinking? - Uh Ooh, let's rearrange the order of the presidents! All right.
Yeah.
Hey, put that Johnson in between those two Bushes.
[Kenny.]
Guess what, Millard Fillmore? You are no longer the 13th president, you are now the 32nd.
Let's see you electrify America's rural homes.
Yeah! [laughing.]
Yeah, man.
That's real fun.
Hey, you know what else you can do? Take a shit in her desk.
- Yes.
- Dude.
[stammers.]
Hey, all right, all right Nobody's shitting on anything.
Come on.
[Kenny.]
Oh, man.
Look at this.
It's a picture of when we stayed at the Disneyland Resort.
She told me she always wanted to go, so I saved up for six months to take her.
It was our four-year anniversary.
Why would she do this? We were so good together.
We never fought.
She was my best friend.
Let's just grab this figurine and get on out of here, huh? When Meemaw gave this to me, she said "Give this to the woman who holds the key to your heart.
" Well, I did it, Meemaw.
[clicks tongue.]
And she broke that heart in half.
You know who'd like that story? Native American stripper with an Uzi.
Meemaw had an expression.
[sighs.]
She'd say, "When you find something you love nothing can keep you from it.
" I mean, she was referring to her cigarettes, but it still applies here.
Maybe maybe Abby was just freaked out about the wedding.
But we don't have to get married, we just We need to go back to the way things were before.
[Colt.]
Kenny it's time to move on.
No.
No, Abby's my soulmate.
Hey, hang on there, Ken-Dog.
You know, here's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking we grab this this figurine, and we go buy some beers, and maybe some chip clips.
And we can eat as few chips as you want.
You know what I mean? It'll be awesome.
I appreciate this, you guys are really good friends.
But, uh I'm going over there.
I'm gonna get her back.
Kenny.
She broke up with you to be with me.
What? Yeah, what? We are both reacting to this news right now.
You and Abby - Oh, my God.
- Kenny.
Kenny.
We we didn't plan on it, it just kind of happened.
Just kind of happened? What the hell are you talking about? That doesn't just happen! I'm really sorry, Kenny.
No You're not sorry.
This is who you are.
Everybody told me, "Don't let Colt Bennett near your girlfriend.
" And I was like, "No, no, you don't know him.
He's a good guy.
He's my friend.
" Fuck you, Colt.
[softly.]
I'm really sorry.
You know what makes this even worse? Is that you're just gonna blow it.
Just like every other relationship you've had and when that happens you'll have ruined my life and Abby's life for nothing.
I hope you're happy.
How could you tell him? I had to.
He was on his way over here to beg to get you back - and, uh, I I felt guilty.
- [sighs.]
I'm sorry.
[stammering.]
I'm sorry, are you gonna put a chip clip on that bag? 'Cause them chips are gonna go stale.
Damn it, Colt.
Do you know what this means? Everyone in town is gonna think I was hooking up with you while I was engaged to him.
I might as well have a huge red "A" on my chest.
"A" for Abby? No, The Scarlet Letter.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry I don't know what that is.
Nathaniel Hawthorne's classic novel about shame and degradation? Don't anybody in this town have cable? [Abby groans.]
Abby, Abby.
Abby.
A year from now, no one's even gonna remember any of this happened.
[chuckles.]
They're gonna see us walking down the street and they're gonna be like, "Oh, my God, there's Colt and Abby.
[stammers.]
Boy, they're gonna have beautiful kids.
And look there.
There's Kenny and his accountant wife.
It's so great that she does Colt and Abby's taxes.
'Cause they're just such good friends.
Boy, everyone sure is happier this way.
" Oh, my God, and my parents.
I mean, they already hate you so much.
Your parents love me.
No, they don't.
They're just polite.
And what are they gonna think when they hear that I broke up with Kenny, who they love, to be with Colt Bennett, who they hate? Okay.
I get it, your parents aren't fans.
That's Are are you having doubts about us? No.
No.
[stammers.]
Of course not.
- [sighs.]
Just - Hey.
Hey We're the only people in this town that matter.
It's just you and me.
We're on an island.
But we're on it together.
And [stammers.]
If you gotta wear a giant letter "A," then I'll wear one, too.
It'll stand for "Awesome.
" It's gonna be okay.
You sure about that? [sighs.]
It's gonna be okay.
Promise.
Thank you.
Hey.
I just realized something.
What? You better get to work early on Monday.
Why? There's a bottle of Jack Daniel's under one of your kid's desks.
How was the rest of your night? - [Rooster chuckles.]
- Hey, Pa.
You ever have that dream where you wake up naked in a classroom? [chuckles.]
Yeah, I got it.
[laughing.]
Dad, you cannot believe how much we drank last night.
It was badass.
I ever tell you about the day your grandfather died? Oh, well, maybe not the best time for a drinking story.
That morning, an irrigation pipe burst.
I was on my way down to shut off the water and I heard a bull screaming.
He smelled a cow in heat and tried to jump the fence.
Got all tangled up in the barbed wire.
I had a pipe spraying water and a bull spraying blood.
'Bout that time, my old man showed up.
Started yellin'.
Telling me everything I was doing wrong.
He do that a lot? Just about all the time.
But that day, it was the last thing I needed to hear.
So I said, "If you don't like the job I'm doing, fuckin' do it yourself.
" And I jumped in my truck drove to the bar and started drinking.
Couple of hours later, I come home find my mother sittin' on this porch.
Crying.
She said, "Your dad died.
" He had a heart attack out in that field, finishing the job that I wouldn't.
Shit, Dad.
After that, I had no choice.
I had to become a good rancher.
You boys haven't had that chance.
You'd be better ranchers today if I had died 20 years ago.
Ain't true.
Yeah, it is.
It's about time I gave you boys more responsibility around here.
I'm putting you in charge of inseminating the herd.
- Yeah? - Yep.
I think you'll do a great job.
Or you'll screw it up so bad, I'll have a heart attack and die.
Either way not my fucking problem.
[country music playing.]