The Ranch (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

Take Me Away from Here

Abby, wait.
You don't know the whole story.
- Heather's gettin' a 'bortion.
- It doesn't make it better.
You have to listen to me.
- Abby - I don't have to fuckin' listen to you! I don't have to talk to you! I just want to leave! Come on, Abby, I love you! Abby! Colt? You all right? Yeah, I'll be fine.
Uh, you probably don't want to hear this, but we're startin' work in 45 minutes.
Sorry, rat, you fucked with the wrong man's Cocoa Puffs.
Hey, you just hit me with a fuckin' rat! I did? Even when I'm not tryin', I got a better arm than you.
Whatcha doin' out here? Saw smoke thought some creepy pervert was stayin' out here.
I was right.
Yeah, this place is mine now.
Mom's lettin' me live out here.
What? She got you a job, and now she's lettin' you live in the cabin? She won't even give me her Netflix password.
Well, if you had two kids and only loved one of 'em, isn't that what you'd do? Look at this place.
Used to be fuckin' awesome.
Now it's a mess.
Yeah, it's like the house version of you.
Oh, check it out.
Still see where we carved our names up in the beam.
Hmm, yeah, check it out.
Here's the belt Dad used on us when we carved our names in the beam.
I don't remember you carvin' "sucks" underneath my name.
Added that today.
You want a beer? Yeah, what the hell.
Thank you.
- It's warm.
- Fridge is broke.
But hey, just 'cause the mountains aren't blue don't mean you can't go skiin'.
- Told Abby about Heather.
- What? Why? I want our relationship built on honesty.
What? Why? 'Cause I don't wanna end up alone, livin' in my mommy's cabin, throwin' rats at people.
What? Why? Well, how'd she take it? Not good.
Sent her texts flowers left her, like, three voicemails.
Who the fuck's in here? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.
- Whoa, whoa, Dad just me, all right? You don't need a shotgun.
We'll see about that.
- What are you doin' here? - Well, I'm livin' here now.
Like hell you are.
Guess we know who Daddy's favorite is.
Want your belt, Daddy? What I want is for you to get out of my huntin' cabin.
Well, that's the thing, Dad.
It's not your huntin' cabin anymore, it's Mom's.
So if anybody's gettin' out of here, it's gonna be you, neighbor.
Look, why don't you both just agree to stay out of each other's way? It's fine by me.
Just to be clear we stay off of each other's property, no matter what? - That's right.
- Good.
You just got a check from Neumann's Hill yesterday.
I'm gonna use it to start a fire.
Look at you runnin' a ranch.
I remember when you was a boy in diapers followin' your dad around with a bottle in your hand.
Well, gotta grow up sometime.
You ain't wearin' a diaper, are you? Not right now.
I did wear one to a Rockies game one time.
Made it 17 innings, never got up once.
Well, what about that other deal? You and your dad got that figured out? Yeah.
We figured out how to say "fuck you" in Morse code with our porch lights.
Well, you know your dad.
The more he bitches about somethin', the more he cares about it.
Oh, well then he must really love gun control, salads, and cats.
- Hey, fellas.
- Hey, can I help you? I'm Rich Baker.
The quality control guy from Neumann's Hill? I sent you a bunch of e-mails.
I I don't think I got anything.
You sure you got my right e-mail? Oh, is it, badassrooster6969@yahoo? Huh, that's it.
Must've went to my spam.
Well, nice to meet you, Rich.
You know Dale Rivers? He's our vet.
Nice to meet you, Dale.
I heard a lot of great things about you.
Nice to meet you, Rich.
Pardon the warmth of the hand, it's been up a heifer's heiny.
Oh, were you checkin' out the herd? No.
No, cow is just a friend.
Little vet humor for ya.
That is some folksy shit, right there! You mind if I talk to, uh, Rooster for a second? Oh, no.
No, I'm takin' Charlene over to the Indian casino to see the Judds.
Oh, well, I think it's a tribute band, Dale.
Ah, well neither one of us can hear or see worth a shit anymore, so it don't matter.
- See you, fellas.
- Later on, Dale.
That's a good guy, right there.
Yeah, like I said, I've heard a lot of great things.
- Is that a beer? - Huh? Oh, hey, Dale, you left your beer here! That's weird.
Have we met before? Because you look very familiar.
Yeah, my family transferred to Garrison my senior year.
I think you were a freshman.
You probably remember me as, you know, the only black guy.
Oh, shit, Rich! What's up, dude? Man, what happened to you after high school? - You just, like, disappeared.
- I went to college.
- No, I'm just kiddin'.
Just kiddin'.
- Yeah.
Hey, uh, so what's up with this quality control thing? Are you, like, my boss or somethin'? No, no, no, no.
You're the boss.
I'm just here to make sure you got everything you need.
- Mmm.
- For example if you need, I don't know, a pen to fill out those inventory reports I haven't gotten yet.
Oh, yeah, I've been meanin' to get to those.
Hey, did you fuck Tracy Jenkins back in high school? Rooster, I'm really gonna need those reports.
And yes yes, I did.
Man, that is fuckin' awesome.
Damn it, Dale, you know? And speaking of Dale, you're not gonna be able to hire him, 'cause he's not on our approved list of vets.
- What? No one told me that.
- I did.
I e-mailed it to you.
The subject of the e-mail was, "Vets you can and cannot hire.
" Yeah, about that, um you know, they hired me here to run this ranch 'cause they trust my judgment.
Now, I've worked with Dale my entire life, and he's the best vet in the state.
So I'm gonna hire him here.
Hey, man, if you feel that strongly about it, I say good for you.
Go for it.
All right, cool, thanks.
Yeah, thing is, Neumann's Hill's not gonna pay for it, so that's comin' out of your pocket.
Well, maybe I could just take a look at the rest of these vets on here.
All right, Daddy-o, I got spinach, artichoke and chicken panini, or Thai-style chicken spring rolls.
I want that steak you burned up.
Yeah, sorry about that.
My mind's kind of been all over the place.
I take it you haven't heard from Abby.
She made it pretty clear she wants her space.
I thought I made the same thing pretty clear to you, but here you are.
Yeah, I don't know what to do.
Well, you certainly don't want to cook her a steak.
She'll come around.
Yeah, I don't know if she will.
She's really pissed.
What if it's over? What if I can't get her back? You know what? I'll take the spring roll.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can we talk? Yeah.
You got a lot of nerve, tellin' Rooster he could live in the cabin without talkin' to me.
Beau, that is my cabin now.
I have no obligation to tell you anything.
We're divorced.
By the way, nice haircut.
Who did it? I have no obligation to tell you anything.
- We're divorced.
- How's Brenda? Oh, shit! She gave me a great haircut.
Want to see the back? I need a whiskey.
Oh, hey, comin' right up.
Look at this me pourin' a drink for you.
- Here you go.
- So, I was talkin' to Heather today Okay.
Want another one? Look, she's goin' through a really hard time.
Yeah, she ain't the only one.
I told Abby about everything.
Now she's not talkin' to me.
Well I'm sorry, but she has to figure out what she wants.
Yeah, I know.
In the meantime, you need to focus on how you can help Heather.
Oh, right, we're talkin' about the other woman that hates me.
Well, Colt, I'm sure there's more than two women who hate you.
Try to imagine what it would be like to be a 23-year-old woman in a small town getting an abortion.
I mean, she feels like everybody's judging her, including you.
I ain't judgin' her.
I just think what she's doin' is totally wrong.
Let me rephrase.
Heather could use your support.
Well, how am I supposed to support her if I don't agree with what she's doin'? You do it because you care.
I support you, and I don't agree with practically anything you do.
Like what? Well, you drink too much, you eat too much red meat, constantly chewing tobacco - Okay, I hear what - You have unprotected sex, you drive without a seatbelt, you shoot off fireworks even after you dropped one in your pants.
All right! I hear you.
I'll go talk to Heather.
Thank you.
I knew I raised a good person.
Oh, hey, by the way, I didn't drop the fireworks in my pants.
I was tryin' to shoot a bottle rocket out of my ass.
I'm not an idiot! - Hey.
- What? Can we talk for a second? Think we've talked enough.
Look, I'm I'm not here to try to change your mind.
Come on in.
Well, actually it's kinda nice out here.
The snow is pretty.
The air is crisp.
You're scared of my mom, aren't you? She's got a gun and she's not afraid of prison.
I'm terrified.
Look, I know that you and my mom talked and I'm sorry if you think I'm judgin' you 'cause I'm not.
Really? So when you told me I'm taking the easy way out, that was you not judging me? I'm sorry.
You see how easy it is? I mean, you're judgin' me right now.
And, by the way, I forgive you.
Not really in a joking mood, Colt.
But tellin' me not to be funny is kind of like tellin' me not to be good-lookin'.
I can try.
Look we're probably not gonna ever see eye to eye on this but I want to support you.
I care about you.
You doin' all right? Not really.
I feel like everybody in town is just talkin' about me.
I'm sure that's not true, but I know the feeling.
When I lost that playoff game my junior year, someone spray-painted "Fuck Colt" on the water tower.
It was Rooster, but I mean, it still hurt.
Kinda messed up they still haven't painted over that.
Yeah, I did then Rooster put it back up there.
- So, when are you gonna - Tomorrow.
To Wow.
Can I give you a ride? I don't think that's a good idea, Colt.
It's already pretty emotional and I need to go with someone who's dead inside, like my sister Darlene.
I can be dead inside.
I mean, I have been for 15 years, drivin' past the water tower.
Look, to be honest, Colt I don't wanna sit in a car with someone for 30 minutes who doesn't believe in what I'm doing.
Uh, what I believe doesn't matter right now.
I mean, if we were havin' this baby, I would drive you to the hospital and I'd be there for the entire thing.
This is my responsibility, too.
I'm just asking you to let me support you.
All right, fine.
What time do I pick you up? Does your truck have trash bags for windows? Yeah.
We'll take my car.
- Hey.
- What's up? Whatcha doin'? Workin' on a report havin' a drink.
Oh, it's like high school all over again, huh? Hmm.
Except I can't pay David Jennings to write these for me.
Though I did give him a call.
- Isn't David Jennings dead? - Yeah.
That's what his mom said when she answered the phone.
- Want a beer? - Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
What you doin' out here? It's freezin'.
Well, from this spot, I just barely connect to the house Wi-Fi.
Don't tell Dad.
Out here, my fridge and my bathroom are in the same spot, so that's cool.
So what's up with you? Taking Heather to the clinic tomorrow.
You wanna talk about it? Nope.
That's why I come out here.
To hang out and get drunk with you.
Well, can't get drunk with you, but I can maintain drunk with you.
What are you workin' on a report for? Dude this job is not what I thought it was gonna be.
It's like that time I signed up for that women's studies class at junior college.
Thought it'd be a good place to pick up chicks.
Turned out it was just me and 40 other dudes with the same idea.
And one disappointed lesbian.
That's exactly why I took that human sexuality class at Florida State.
Oh, yeah? Didn't work, neither? No, I got laid a ton.
I was the fuckin' quarterback.
Can you really call yourself the quarterback if you only complete passes to the other team? You're an asshole.
Look, man I know this whole thing with Heather sucks, but with the passage of a little time, the healin' will begin.
Even though it seems impossible right now you'll be a stronger person for the experience.
You learn that for your women's studies? No, David Jennings' mom.
We talked for, like, 20 minutes about her dead son.
I wonder if she's still hot.
I'm just sayin', if you gave me a key, I could open the bar for you.
Hank, do you hear that? Oh, shit! God, must you take everything I love? Oh, hey.
Drake, sic 'em.
Good boy, Drake.
Don't get cocky.
He may be comin' back with a weapon.
What are you doin' with my tools? I'm going to help Mom.
Bar flooded.
I didn't hear anything about that.
Well, that's the way you want it, right? No one botherin' you? What's the matter? Your Hello Kitty Ranch doesn't have any tools? It's My Little Pony Ranch.
Why can't anybody fuckin' remember that? And no, Dad, it's like an hour away, all right? I ain't got time for this shit.
Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? Hi, I have an appointment.
Heather Roth.
Okay, just fill out these forms, and we'll call you.
- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
Uh, are these condoms free? It's a little late now, isn't it? You doin' okay? Yeah.
Oh, hey, I, uh I brought you somethin'.
Whoa! Shit.
It's, uh my, uh, Saint Christopher's medal.
It's supposed to protect you.
I know it's silly, but when I was playin' football, I had, like, four surgeries on my knee.
I wore it every time, came out fine.
Maybe you should have worn it while you were playin'.
Maybe I should have wore it when we were fuckin'.
It's real sweet of you.
I'm glad you're here, Colt.
We're in this together, right? Thanks.
"Genital Warts and You.
" Why are they kayakin'? All right, Ma I thawed out that pipe in the attic flushed it and replaced the section that burst.
- Thank you, honey.
- Yep.
Hey, if I owned a bookstore, would you still help me out? If you think I haven't gotten drunk in a Barnes & Noble, you'd be wrong.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thought maybe you could use this to keep your pipes from freezin' again.
Job's already done, Dad.
Is that my heater from the huntin' cabin? Your mother needs help, so it's okay to take other people's shit, right? Is this my heater from the Airstream? Huh.
That's weird.
Bad news.
The leak made it to the storage room.
Shorted out your freezer.
Are you kidding me? More bad news.
It also appears that three or four of your beers leaked.
Now I gotta replace the freezer.
Every dollar I make goes right back into this place.
It'll be all right.
We can move some of your stuff to the freezer at the ranch.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm gonna go check that pipe that burst.
I said I fixed it.
Think I can't do anything right? Well, did you fix the pipe like you fixed the brakes on the truck? - Come on, guys.
- Brakes work fine, Dad.
What doesn't work so good is your reflexes, your eyesight and that gate you plowed through.
The fuckin' gate wouldn't have swung shut if you'd leveled it out.
Oh, yeah, Dad? Let's do an eye test right now.
How many fingers do you see? I see two.
All right! Enough.
I'm so sick of this.
I'm so sick of the same people having the same argument in the same town.
I'm sorry, Mags.
You don't need to put up with our bullshit on top of everything else.
Yeah, sorry, Mom.
Although, I think it's mostly Dad's bullshit.
Maybe this flood is a sign.
I should just sell this place.
- What? - You you love it here.
I'm not so sure anymore.
Are you serious? What am I waitin' around for? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You leavin' right now? No, right now I'm gonna get a Corona, stand in three inches of dirty water, and pretend I'm in the Caribbean.
Well, shit.
Don't say a fuckin' word.
Hey, um I know this is stupid.
When I was a kid, my mom would take me to the doctor, and afterwards she'd always take me to the Dairy Queen.
You wanna go to the Dairy Queen? No, thanks.
You mind if I go to the Dairy Queen? 'Cause now that I said it, I can't stop thinkin' about that Oreo Blizzard.
You all right? Yeah.
It's just, um Is it the question about how much you drink in a week? 'Cause I always say, like, two beers.
I mean, there's no reason you gotta tell your doctor the truth.
No, it's not that.
I'm I'm all done.
Want me to take it up for you? Heather? I can't.
What? I can't do this.
I thought it's what I wanted, but now that I'm here and it's all happenin' Okay.
You wanna leave? Yeah, I do.
And, like, not come back? Is that still okay with you? Yeah, it's it's always been okay with me.
I just I wanna make sure that's what you want.
All right.
We're doin' this.
Holy fuck! I'll be a dad! Holy fuck, I'm gonna be a dad.
Let's Come on! We gotta go to the Dairy Queen now.

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