The Ranch (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

My Best Friend

Okay, I don't understand.
I'm already dating Darlene.
Why do I have to fuck or marry or kill anyone? It's just a game, man.
It's a hypothetical.
Hey, Colt.
Fuck, marry, or kill, cast of Fuller House.
Fuck John Stamos, marry Bob Saget, kill Dave Coulier.
I was talking about the women, but that's basically how it goes.
I don't need a hypothetical to want to kill Bob Saget.
Hey, Mom, we get a couple beers? - Of course.
How you doing, Berto? - Oh, doing just fine.
Except my new boss is an asshole.
I don't think you understand the game.
Oh, I think I do.
Hey, we're gonna get a table.
- You wanna join us? - Mmm-hmm.
Mom, if you don't mind, just throw these on their tab, please.
Their tab.
Talk about hypothetical.
How's it goin', fellas? Dude, work's kickin' my ass.
I cannot wait for the weekend.
Only had time to drink three beers today.
You had six.
They were light beers.
I was stayin' hydrated.
Ooh, what's Tanya Showers doin' at the lake? Oh, shit, man, she's coverin' the Polar Bear Plunge.
That's awesome.
Every year, she takes off that fur coat, and she got nothin' on underneath, but a bikini.
You guys remember 2014? The white bikini.
It's the Polar Bear Plunge.
Isn't the ice fishin' tournament the same weekend? Yeah, I think so.
Shit, we should do it.
We used to own that thing in high school.
We can use my uncle Jimmy's fishin' hut.
I mean, he's not gonna need it for the next three to five years.
Depending on good behavior.
Remember when you started that bonfire on the ice? Oh, man, heat rises.
Yeah, well, our truck sank.
- Hey, can you get off work? - 'Course I can.
I'm the fuckin' boss.
Hey, and I go where my fucking boss goes.
Oh, oh, check it out.
Oh! This is truly the greatest country in the world.
All right - Got a hypothetical for you.
- All right.
Who wins in a fight, Colorado State Ram or the CU Buffalo? Oh, those two wouldn't fight.
They're both docile herbivores.
Just quit speaking Spanish and answer the question.
Hey, guys.
- 'Sup, Rich? You know Berto.
- Of course.
- Hey.
- Hey, Berto.
Catch the Avalanche game the other night? Oh, yeah, I'm like you.
I love hockey.
- Goin' fishing? - Yeah, man, we entered the tournament.
One year, my brother threw up down the hole set a record.
Who knew? Trout love vomit.
You know a lot of your stories involve people throwin' up, right? I don't think so.
Yeah, maybe most of the good ones.
Listen, we're putting in a new tracking system for the cows.
- Oh, cool.
- We need you to tag them, - so we can monitor them electronically.
- Okay.
Sorry if that's gonna cut into your weekend plans.
It's not, man.
Get to it on Monday.
Yeah, the thing is, they want the new system up and running by 9:00 a.
Okay, but between you and me, I mean, how are they really gonna know? It's a tracking system.
You think it'll look suspicious if all the cows are at the lake this weekend? I get it sucks, but it is what it is.
You can go fishing another time.
No, I mean, it's not about the fishing.
It's just, like, Sunday, 9:00 a.
I mean, that's just an arbitrary time and date, am I right? Yeah.
I thought the same thing when they told me.
Difference is, I thought it.
I didn't say it.
What I said was, was, "Great, we will get it done.
" Guess what I want you to say to me right now.
Guess what I want to say to you right now.
Look, Rich, you gotta stop questionin' every move I make, okay? Now, you want me to ask my already overworked crew to work a whole 'nother full day this weekend? That's when guys get burned out.
That's when accidents happen.
- You gotta let me do my job.
- Yeah, well, part of the job is playing ball with the guy who signs your check.
Well, what if I say no? Then he probably won't sign your check.
All right, fine, I'll get it done.
- Thanks, Rooster.
- Mmm-hmm.
We should grab a beer some night.
Yeah, I'm not much of a drinker, but okay.
All right, I'm headin' out.
What's Oh, my God! Is that the finger paintin' I did in kindergarten with John Elway as my dad? Oh, and the crepe paper turkey I made for Thanksgiving.
So great you guys kept all this stuff.
That's the trash pile.
- Wish John Elway was my dad.
- So do I.
- All right, I'll see you later.
- Is that cologne? Oh, oh, no.
Uh, Oil of Olay.
Makes my hands feel like a puppy's ear.
I wish John Elway was your dad, too.
Aw, remember Rooster's macaroni painting from the fourth grade? When I was in the fourth grade, I helped my father dig a well.
Then he left me in it and said, "Learn how to swim.
" Okay, trash pile.
Actually, there's a lot of good stuff in here that we could give Colt for the baby.
I wish I had one of those in my size.
I called Jerry to put the bar up for sale.
- So you're really gonna do this? - Yeah.
I'm sick of workin'.
Every night for the past 15 years I've wiped down the same 12 bar stools, 16 tables and 62 chairs, and one horrifying urinal.
Guys throw everything in it.
Cigarettes, gum, pennies.
What are they doing, making a fucking wish? Never really thought you'd sell the place.
Yeah, well, I never really thought we'd get divorced.
I never thought Rooster would be working another ranch.
Things change.
Yes, they do.
Yes, they do.
Oh, my God, here's one of those letters you wrote me when I was off at college.
- God, you kept that? - 'Course I did.
It's evidence you have a heart.
"Dear Maggie, "Patsy Cline came on the radio today, and I thought of you.
"I know you've only been gone a few weeks, but it feels like forever.
"I've taken to growing a mustache.
I'm not sure it suits me.
"I'll probably shave it off in a week.
"Things back here aren't the same without you.
"Once you get home, I know we'll never leave each other's side.
" Hey, sorry, probably shouldn't have read that.
No, it was nice.
Let's just open another box.
Actually, maybe we could wait till tomorrow to continue this.
I gotta be somewhere.
What are you talking about? It's 5:30.
You're gonna be in bed in 90 minutes.
I'm going out to dinner.
- Oh, really? With who? - A friend.
Okay, your only friends are cows, and you eat them.
I'm havin' dinner with Brenda.
You're goin' on a date.
No, it's just dinner.
Although we're not eatin' till eight o'clock, which is ridiculous.
It's not fuckin' New Year's Eve.
Okay, are you gonna dress up? We're goin' to Charlie's Steakhouse.
So I'll dress up out of respect for the meat.
So you're going out with an attractive single woman who everyone thought you were sleeping with anyway.
It's a date.
The only thing that's pissing me off is you won't just say it.
I'm havin' dinner with a friend.
End of story.
Have fun on your non-date.
I hope you find a shirt that goes with a porterhouse.
It's not a date.
And every shirt goes with a porterhouse.
- Oh, my phone! Fuck, fuck, fuck! - I'm sorry.
- How could you do that? - I'm sorry.
My hands were slippery from my moisturizer.
I mean, that's what you get for handin' your phone to a guy who had 117 career fumbles.
Do you just remember my stats so you can make fun of me for 'em? Yes, Colt.
That's exactly why.
By the way, I hope we catch 328 fish today.
The exact same number as your career interceptions.
Maybe a fish will swallow your phone and we can catch it.
Yeah, maybe.
- Oh, guys, I caught another one.
- Oh! Chug your beers.
That's Abby, seven.
Colt, Rooster, Berto, zero.
Oh, whoa, whoa, hold on! We're on a team.
So that's Colt-Abby, seven.
Same age as Rooster was when he got out of diapers.
So, uh I have some news.
Well, I know it isn't, "I caught a fish.
" I bought a home.
I am a homeowner.
- What? - Whoa! - Man, that's great.
- Thanks.
Couldn't get $20 out of the ATM today, but that's good for you.
Dude, we are gonna fuck that shit up at the housewarming party.
Yeah, or instead, you could bring me a potted plant or a toaster.
This is exciting.
Where is it? Uh, so, it's in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
You keep driving south, and when you get the urge to lock your doors, uh, well, you're near my house.
Oh, shit! Is that your phone? No, mine's on silent.
And it's in the fuckin' lake! Hello? Oh, hey, Rich, what's up? Oh, yeah, just tagging the herd right now.
And cow number 47.
Oh, you're at the ranch, huh? You don't see me? Well, I'm wavin'.
No, I get it, yeah, I'll get to it on Monday.
Well, that's when I'm gonna do it, so if you don't like that, too bad.
Who was that? Everything okay? Yeah, yeah.
Wrong number.
Hey, who wants a beer? Oh, yeah.
Ah! My moisturizer! I think that's the first salad I've ever seen without any actual salad.
Where are the vegetables? There's a little potato underneath the ham and bacon bits.
I'm supposed to be eating healthier, but I'm also supposed to register all of my guns.
Oh, did you hear about that new fancy coffee shop over on Euclid? - Mmm-mmm.
- They charged me $5 for a large coffee.
And there was a tip jar.
I told them, "Fellas, it can't be both.
" You know what kinda coffee I like? Folgers.
It's instant, and when you're done with the can, you can store old batteries in it.
Hey, how's that new collie of yours? Ah, she's great.
Although, the other day, she got sprayed by a skunk.
I tried every shampoo in the salon.
Spent a hundred bucks just to make her smell like a lavender-hibiscus skunk.
There's only one way to get rid of that smell.
You gotta soak 'em in a bath of tomato juice, hydrogen peroxide and dish soap.
- Does that really work? - Worked on Colt.
I told him not to go pokin' around in that hole, but he wouldn't listen.
Well, boys will be boys.
This was last week.
You know, I'm glad we finally did this.
Me, too.
Gallo, we need to go back and tag those cows.
It's bureaucratic busywork, all right? Rich wants us to spend the whole weekend workin' overtime? - Fuck that.
I take care of my crew.
- Wait, they were gonna pay us overtime? You should really just go back.
Yeah, we're not gonna win this tournament.
Not with this team of rejects.
Come on, you got work to do, you got work to do.
What's the big deal? And like I told Rich, I'll do it on Monday.
Gallo, I need this job.
I'm gonna have a mortgage.
I'm gonna have a yard.
I promised my cousins they could have a job taking care of my yard.
Look, as someone who's made his fair share of mistakes Oh, you've made your fair share, and my share.
Hey, this is about Rooster.
You're not thinking this through.
We we can go fishin' next weekend.
We can go fishin' any weekend.
Got me doing bullshit paperwork.
Won't let me hire the vet I want to hire.
Now they're tryin' to tell me how to split my man-hours? No, fuck that, okay? My job is to deliver Neumann's Hill the fattest, healthiest herd they ever seen.
And when I do that, none of this other shit's gonna matter.
I expect those assholes to second-guess everything I do, but not you guys.
You know what? Fuck this.
I'm outta here.
- Colt, you guys need to go talk to him.
- Why? He ain't gonna listen.
He's a stubborn jackass who always thinks he's right.
He's like my dad with a stupid beard instead of a kick-ass mustache.
Colt, Abby's right.
If anyone's gonna get through to him, it's gonna be us.
We're like his brothers.
Well, technically you are his brother, but he likes me better, but it doesn't matter.
Fine, let's go.
All right.
- I'll call you later.
- Will ya? How? Come on.
Here, take my phone.
See? That's how it's done, jackass.
I love you.
Love you.
- Tanya Showers? - Oh, sorry.
Wrong hut.
Is it? I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
You didn't make me uncomfortable.
What made me uncomfortable was that waiter tellin' me I made a good choice, like I needed his approval.
Come on, Beau.
You disappeared.
I haven't done this in 40 years.
Even back then I wasn't very good at it.
It requires small talk, and I hate small talk.
By the way, can you believe this weather? - Were you thinkin' about Maggie? - No.
- That's over.
- It's okay, Beau.
You were together a long time.
It's been years since Jim passed and he's still on my mind.
Just the other day, I was cleanin' out the garage, and I found an old T-shirt of his that he'd worn on our honeymoon.
And I smelled it just to bring him back, I guess.
Forgot that we'd turned it into an old turpentine rag.
Almost passed out.
I love the smell of turpentine.
If you are not ready to do this, it's okay.
It's not that I don't enjoy being with you.
And I enjoy being with you, too.
Doesn't usually take me two hours to cut somebody's hair.
I thought you were just anglin' for a bigger tip, like Mr.
Good Choice over there.
I think I just need a little time.
Tell you what.
Whenever you are ready, you just come on in for another haircut.
But if it only takes me ten minutes, you know I'm seeing somebody else.
All right, but just so you know, you are not gettin' out of buyin' me dinner.
Don't worry.
It's not in my nature to deny someone a steak.
Thank you, Beau.
I'm just fuckin' with ya.
See? Told you he'd be here.
Only bar within 50 miles.
Yeah, well, I've never said this before, but you are a smart man, Colt.
'Sup, dipshit? Shouldn't you be back on the ranch tagging some cows? Yeah, I care about you too much to leave you here.
Also, I don't have a ride back to the ranch.
Well, I ain't goin' back to a place that don't appreciate me.
Yeah, they're doing nothin' to show you they appreciate ya.
What with that new truck, and that huge old salary.
Every Neumann's Hill rancher gets the same shit.
Yeah, well, my salary is whatever I can fish out of Dad's wallet when he falls asleep during a Blue Bloods marathon.
So what, dude? You're working for dad for a few months.
Been payin' my dues for 15 years.
I deserve some respect, all right? I'm a great fuckin' rancher.
You're extremely full of yourself.
Is this, like, a family thing? Because you thought you were very good at football.
I was good at football.
Rooster, how many career touchdowns did I have? How the fuck should I know? If Neumann's Hill didn't trust you, they wouldn't have put you in charge.
You're pissin' away an opportunity most people would kill for.
Really? You're gonna preach to me about pissin' away opportunities? You literally pissed on an assistant coach.
No, no, no.
I spilled pee on an assistant coach.
I was carrying a clean urine sample for a drug test.
And I just happened to trip 'cause I was drunk.
I'm not takin' advice from a fuck-up.
Oh, I'm a fuck-up? Fuck you.
Man, my brother Raul and I used to fight all the time.
We had this Amazing Spider-Man pillow that we both liked to sleep with.
One night, he said it was his turn, I said it was mine and he took both of his thumbs and pressed them against my eyes, trying to gouge them out.
If he wants to ruin his life, let him.
Get the fuck off me, bro.
What? You want some of the Rooster? Ah, shit.
Cover your eyes, motherfucker! Hey.
How was your "not a date"? Well, it was interesting.
I'm sittin' there at a place where you and I have been a thousand times before, and I'm thinkin' about how you always ordered the rib eye and a salad.
But you didn't want the mashed potatoes, so I'd order double 'cause when the food came, you'd always eat half of mine.
I didn't do that every time.
Sometimes you ate all the potatoes.
Point is I had a good time with Brenda.
She's smart, she's funny, she's good-lookin'.
But she's not you.
Not me? So what do you mean, I'm none of those things? You're all of those things.
And more.
Why don't you put it in a letter, you old sap.
40 years, Mags.
How am I supposed to be with anybody else? Beau, you gotta stop looking back at the last 40, and start looking ahead at the next 20.
Oh, good God, I can't do this for another 20 years.
You're just better at this stuff than I am, Maggie.
No, I am not.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm just trying my best.
In six months, it'll be easier than it is today.
And six months after that, who knows, maybe I'll be introducing you to my new boyfriend.
A vegan, liberal, yoga teacher.
If you're trying to piss me off, it's workin'.
Well, that's okay, 'cause my new boyfriend will teach you poses to help you relax.
Patsy Cline.
Yeah, I was thinking about you tonight, too.
Why not? You think your Prius-drivin', yoga-posin', climate-change-believin' boyfriend will be able to dance like this? Oh, Trevor is very light on his feet.
Trevor? Yeah, that's about right.
Hello? Are you serious? Are you all right? Okay.
Hang tight.
No, I won't tell your father anything.
Boys got in a bar fight.
They're fine, but they're both in jail.
All right.
Well? I know the drill, bud, easy.
Did you call Dad? Fuck no.
Called Mom.
Last time I called Dad, he said, "Wrong number," and hung up.
I called Mary.
She was super pissed.
Which is kinda bullshit 'cause I wasn't mad at her when I had to bail her out.
How'd the fight start, anyway? One of those dudes made fun of my hair, so I punched him in the neck.
Seriously? No.
Look at me.
Who's gonna make fun of this? It was those cowboys, man, makin' fun of Berto.
Talkin' about his kind.
I was like, "Oh, yeah, that's real funny, dude.
See how funny it is when I knock out your fuckin' teeth.
" I hope his buddy was a racist, too, 'cause I beat the shit out of him.
Yeah, you did.
- 'Sup, Berto? - Hey! What'd you do for your mugshot? I went 007.
Oh, oh, oh! I went double bird.
Oh, I reflected on all my bad decisions.
That's one way to go.
Hey, don't worry about them cows, all right? We'll tag 'em when we get outta here.
- Fellas.
- Hey.
- Beer Pong! What happened to your arm? - What's up, boss? Hurt it in a police chase.
Oh, shit! Was it like a bank robbery, or a drug raid, or somethin'? Sort of.
I found some teenagers in the park drinking beer.
Chased them and tripped over a teeter-totter.
Listen, Berto's in a little bit of trouble.
- What's goin' on? - He's being deported.
You're illegal? Why didn't you tell us? There's no upside to it.
Gallo, we live in fear every day.
You know, five miles over the speed limit, and it could ruin our life.
Why would I wanna put that on you, too? 'Cause we're your friends.
Plus this whole time I just thought you drove like a pussy.
I'm sorry, Berto.
It's out of my hands.
No, this is this is bullshit.
You wanna take someone, you should take them assholes from down at the bar.
I understand.
No, no! Fuck this.
You're gonna take him, you're takin' me, too.
Yeah, and you're takin' me, too.
I mean, I guess I can.
They don't really care who goes in that direction.
Guys, guys.
It's It's okay.
Come here.
I knew this could happen one day.
I will see you guys again.
And, uh you guys were more brothers to me than Raul ever was.
I'm sorry.

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