The Ranch (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

I Didn't Ask and She Didn't Say

- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, sweetie.
How you doing? - [Rooster.]
Spent all day going from ranch to ranch.
There's no work anywhere.
So then I just went to the DQ.
Oh, are they hiring? I don't know.
I just wanted a dip cone.
Sucks for you, man.
Me and Dad, we put in a hard eight hours, then we shared a beer and a hug.
Well, I had a beer, and then Dad, he brushed a bee off my shoulder.
I mean, still, you don't brush a bee off the shoulder of someone you don't love.
Don't worry, honey.
You're gonna find somethin'.
You really think that or just sayin' that 'cause you're my mom? Oh, look.
Free beer! - Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey.
What's up? - Who the hell's that? - That's Heather.
You used to date her.
Not Heather.
The guy.
What is she, on a date? I don't know.
What's a pregnant lady doing on a date? Oh, I know the answer to this one.
"I don't give a fuck.
" I'm just saying, it's weird.
No, what's weird is, later on tonight, that dude's dong is gonna be banging into your baby's head.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Look, man, I'm just sayin'.
Kid's gonna end up having as many concussions as you before he's even born.
Oh, hey, Heather.
How you doin'? Hi, Maggie.
Can I get a Bud and an iced tea? Oh, sure.
I'll bring it right out to you.
- Thanks.
- Who's your friend? Paul.
Paul? That's a weird name.
Okay, Colt and Rooster.
I've never seen him before.
Is he new? Compared to my last boyfriend, he's new and improved.
That's you, Colt.
Old and worse.
Boyfriend, huh? You on a date? First date, actually.
Must be a good guy.
- Considering he knows you're - Pregnant? I told him.
I was gonna say cat lady, but that works, too.
Hey, Heather, question.
Um, hypothetically speaking, right, if the baby saw somethin' comin' at it could it, like, get out of the way? Bye, guys.
- I can't believe she's on a date.
- Yeah.
It's a tough one.
Hey, who am I? [theme song playing.]
Dale? - Dale! - [exclaims.]
What? Huh? - Oh, hey, Rooster.
- Hey.
- [both chuckle.]
- Got your, uh, hearing aids on there? Yeah.
Let me turn these hearin' aids on.
I gotta save the batteries, you know? Uh uh, I don't want 'em to die while I'm watching TV.
- Yeah.
- Last week, I got all of Law and none of Order.
So, what are you doin' around here, Rooster? Well, you know, just driving by the neighborhood, figured I'd swing by and say what's up.
Well, I guess you got a lot of time on your hands since you got let go from Neumann's Hill.
You heard about that, huh? Well, you know I told him I was gonna hire my good friend Dale Rivers to be my vet, if they didn't like it, to go ahead and fire me.
I heard that you got put in jail for a bar fight and for driving the company truck drunk.
I mean, it's all kinda tied together.
So look, uh, just wonderin' if you heard of anybody looking for a hard-workin' seasoned rancher who's got a sexy smile and a badass head of hair.
Oh, Colt's out of work too, huh? Well, you might try the Cranstons.
I hear their, uh, youngest is gonna go, uh, join the Cirque du Soleil.
He always was a bendy little feller.
Eddie, huh? Yeah, that makes sense.
Most kids you had to shove into a locker, but he'd just fold right up.
Yeah, he don't go till next summer.
I'll put in a good word for you.
[inhales deeply.]
Yeah, the thing is, Dale, is I'm [clears throat.]
kinda lookin' for something now, you know? Pretty strapped, and there's only so many chicken fried steaks Mary can drop at the Cracker Barrel.
Woo, boy, I love them chicken fried steaks.
I think I'll take Charlene over there for one this evenin'.
We like to get there early so we can sit out on them rocking chairs they got out front.
Sit there long enough, you get a real good workout in your core.
Hey, Dale, can we focus up here? Oh, yeah.
Well, I don't know much, but, uh I got some odd jobs around here you could do in the meantime.
I could pay you by the hour.
I mean, yeah, Dale, that'd be great.
Thanks, I'll take it.
Dale? Uh, Dale, I think Charlene's callin' you.
Yeah, I heard her, but, uh - she don't need to know that.
- [clicks tongue.]
- Hey, Mr.
- Hey, Abby.
" Cute.
I got a pair when I went on a school trip in junior high.
But I had mono, so mine say "Sleepy.
" Joanne got 'em for me.
I haven't met Joanne yet.
Is she the one who calls Colt "shithead"? Yeah.
- She's great.
- [chuckles.]
She's my friend.
Well, it's good to have friends.
We're friends.
Okay, did you wanna talk about somethin'? Well the other night, Joanne and I were together during that storm.
And we You're gonna make me say it, huh? Say what? - We kissed.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, that is so adorable! - Don't do that.
- [softly.]
Anyway ever since then, we haven't spoken.
Wait, you didn't call her? I've always found that my charming personality - doesn't come through over the phone.
- [chuckles.]
You know what? I'm really not comfortable discussing these kind of things.
Okay, that's all right.
We don't have to talk about it.
I guess I feel that if we start dating it's gonna ruin our friendship.
Then I think "What if we both want more than a friendship?" Then I think, "I just got divorced.
Maybe I'm not ready for any of this.
" But again, I don't want to talk about it.
You know, I see this every prom.
Girls on one side, guys on the other side.
Everyone too scared to make a move.
And then there's Miss Phillips in the middle, doing the robot alone! [vocalizes.]
[in robotic voice.]
You should talk to Joanne.
I don't know.
It's the only way to find out what she's thinkin'.
- Appreciate it, Abby.
- Oh, anytime, Mr.
If I ever need advice about Colt and me, I'll come to you.
I got some right now.
- Break up with him and run.
- [chuckles.]
Oh, check it out.
I filled up this old cup with snow and I poured beer in it.
It's a beer slushie.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
How was your day? Good.
Oh, hey, guess who I ran into at the bar? Heather.
She's on a date with some dude named Paul.
Oh, my God.
Paul? Really? I had no idea.
- You know this guy? - Uh, yeah.
He's the new math teacher.
And wrestling coach.
He brings donuts every Monday.
Those jelly ones are good as fuck.
Oh! Anyway, bunch of teachers, we were out for lunch, and Heather was there, so I introduced her to Paul, but I had no idea that he asked her out.
Why would you introduce them? Wrestling coaches are pervy.
Ask Rooster about Coach Jensen and his advanced pinnin' techniques.
Are you jealous? [stammers.]
No, I'm not jealous.
Why would you ask that? So, then what's the big deal? The big deal is Heather's having my baby.
And anyone she hangs out with is potentially gonna be hanging out with my kid.
I don't want my kid bein' a wrestler.
Or good at math.
Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm sure he'll wrestle with math.
- Paul's a good guy.
- Oh, yeah? Really? If he's a good guy, why didn't she introduce me to him? - Maybe she thought you'd overreact.
- How would I overreact? I'm What if this guy's a serial killer? Paul is not a serial killer.
You're making a big deal out of nothin'.
What kind of 30-year-old guy just moves to Garrison, Colorado out of nowhere and starts datin' a 23-year-old? Uh, you did.
You know what Mom wants to talk to us about? - No clue.
- Really? Wait.
Holy shit.
Is this an intervention? - Did you break our pact? - Uh, no.
Did you? No.
Like we said [both.]
"Never be part of the other person's intervention.
" All right, cool.
Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
Something I need to talk to you about Mom, I'll take it from here.
Rooster, your drinking has affected me and [laughs.]
That talk is coming, but not today.
- [chuckles.]
- Look, when you guys were little, if I bought one of you a toy, I had to get the other one a toy.
So, with that in mind, Colt, I got you this.
Oh! Thin Mints! And they're frozen! Fuck, yeah! [chuckles.]
I got you something, too, Rooster.
I wanna give you the bar.
What the fuck? Wait, what? What what are you talkin' about? Look, it's a simple proposal.
You run the place and we split the profits.
That way, you have a steady job and I can, you know, finally get out of here and travel.
Wait a second.
First, you give Rooster the huntin' cabin and now you're givin' him a job where he works at a bar and he gets to drink all day? I have a job where I work with Dad and I have to drink all day! Look, Colt, I'd do the same for you, but you don't need a job or a place to live.
Somehow you ended up the son who's doing well.
- [grunts.]
- I don't know.
I mean could I really sell kids fake IDs and then accept them? I believe I could.
Look, Rooster, your problem has always been that you don't like people telling you what to do.
I mean, when you were born, the doctor slapped you to make you cry and you just laughed at him and peed in his face.
That would be pretty badass.
Make my own rules and don't even follow 'em.
- Yeah.
I'm startin' to like this.
- Yeah.
I run the ranch, you run the bar [stammers.]
Wait a second.
Let me try somethin'.
"Rooster, give me a free whiskey.
" Oh, yeah, I like That's right.
Actually, I got a new rule.
Colt, from now on, you pay for all your own drinks.
Mom! I know this is a really big deal, so you just take your time and think about it.
I do love this place.
It's funny, huh? You think your mom might be givin' you an intervention.
Instead, she gives you a bar.
Actually, now that I think of it, and you guys are together, - maybe we should talk about - [Colt.]
I gotta go.
- you boys and your drinking and - [both mumbling.]
So, I'm glad you called.
I didn't know we were meetin' someplace so fancy.
I know you're jokin'.
But the split pea soup comes with a piece of ham on top.
- [chuckles.]
- How are you doin'? - I'm pretty good.
How are you? - Good.
I saw a Chevy on the way over here.
Thought maybe it was you.
It wasn't.
I thought I saw a Ford on the way over here.
Turned out to be just a dumpster lyin' on its side.
Are we just gonna sit here awkwardly and not talk about what happened the other night? No, no, uh That's why I called.
I I want to talk about it.
Oh, good.
- I'll go first? [chuckles.]
- Great.
Well we had a few drinks and it was a pretty night.
And we kissed.
At least I think we did.
I'm not sure I made it through your mustache.
- And it was nice.
- Yeah, it was.
- But I think we're better as friends.
- Ah, thank God.
Well, uh, a tinge of disappointment might have been nice.
No, I I think you're right.
We've always had such a good time together.
I hate to screw it up.
- Yeah, why ruin a good friendship? - Exactly.
- You and I are great as we are.
- Yep.
Ronald Reagan was a horrible president.
What? Just checkin' to see if you're agreeing with everything I say.
Well, I wasn't.
And Ronald Reagan was the best thing to come out of California, besides the dancing raisins.
Okay, so let's just go back to where I stop by whenever I want to and I drink all your whiskey and you try to trick me into watching some stupid John Wayne movie.
First you hit Reagan, and now the Duke? - That's two strikes.
- [Joanne scoffs.]
You take a shot at Peyton Manning, you'll never see me again.
Well, I'm not gonna take a shot, but he's no John Elway.
Now, just You make a good point.
Looks like someone got tickets to the gun show.
Unfortunately, someone else got season passes.
Bam! Bam! [chuckles.]
Can I help you? Oh.
Sorry, you must not be from around here.
Colt Bennett.
I'm kind of a local legend.
Uh, did you check in with the office? 'Cause when strange adults start hanging around schools talking about guns, it, uh - well, it sets off a bunch of alarms.
- [Colt.]
Yeah, yeah.
I'm, uh I'm Garrison alumni.
Maybe you've seen my name on the wall? "Most passing yards.
Bennett comma Colt.
"Most touchdowns.
Bennett comma Colt.
Highest completion percentage.
Thompson comma Josh.
" What the fuck? Bullshit stat anyway.
I'm sorry, why are you here? Oh, well, since I hold all the most important records, they let me work out here sometimes.
And my, uh my girlfriend, she works here.
Abby Phillips.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I know Abby.
She's she's awesome.
Goes crazy for those jelly donuts, huh? [chuckles.]
- Well, I'm I'm Paul Cutler.
- Oh.
Wrestling coach and math teacher.
So, I can teach you how to do a half nelson or solve for x.
Wrestling, huh? You ever teach a boy an advanced pinnin' technique? - I don't think I know what that is.
- Uh-huh.
What brings you to Garrison, Paul? Well, it's a long story, but, bottom line, I just needed a change.
Change, huh? You get into some trouble? - Uh, I was in the army.
- Oh, come on.
Uh, stationed in Afghanistan.
I play that Call of Duty: Black Ops II on the expert level.
That's the highest.
It's very nice to meet you, Colt.
I'll let you get to your workout.
Hey, Paul.
[clears throat.]
You're new around here.
You wanna grab a drink sometime? Yeah, yeah, sure, maybe.
What's your poison? Ales? Lagers? You ever wake up in the monkey pit at the zoo, covered in vomit and you're not sure whether it's yours or the monkey's? You know what, Colt? I'm I'm just gonna run down to the office, make sure it's okay for you to be here.
I'll, uh I'll be honest with you.
- I came here to check you out.
- What? I'm the father of Heather's baby.
It's my first kid, so I I just wanted to make sure you weren't some kind of crazy psychopath.
You know the kind of guy I'm talking about.
Yeah, I think I do.
But, actually, you seem like a pretty good guy, so I'm happy you and Heather met.
Hey, I'll tell you what, next time I come down here, how about you and me, we do a little bit of wrestling, huh? [exclaims.]
I wasn't ready.
Okay, Charlene, get the TV remote.
Yes, it it says right on it, "TV remote.
" Now, push the input button.
No, no, no! Damn it, Charlene.
You're gonna have to wait to watch Tiny House Hunters when I get home.
Good Lord, have mercy! I love that woman to death, but the only buttons she knows how to push are mine.
Hey, if you want, I can swing by your house and help Charlene with the remote.
Hey, uh, does your daughter still live at home? Rooster, have you ever been shot with a horse tranquilizer? Would it be weird if the answer is yes? So, look, I, uh, fixed the latch on the front gate, salted the drive.
What else you want me to do? Well, I've got to go check on my golden retriever, who just had a litter of six gorgeous puppies.
Fucking puppies, man, they are the best.
Boy, I'll tell you, it's gonna blow up my Instagram.
[both laugh.]
Hey, while I'm doin' that, I need you to put your hand up that cow's, uh, caboose there and pull out as much manure as you can hold.
- [Rooster.]
- That cow hasn't had a bowel movement in three days.
For me, I take a cup of coffee first thing in the morning, and that starts the trains a-rollin'.
Yep, no problem.
I'll take care of it.
Uh, how about the job market? Anything? Well, actually mind if I get your opinion about somethin'? Well, if it's about that shirt, uh, I don't much care for it.
My mom off What the hell's wrong with my shirt? Nothing, if you're going to a Soundgarden concert in 1996.
Look, uh, Mom offered me to take over the bar.
Oh, really? Yeah, you know, I I figured I'd make a decent living at it, but I don't know if that's the right place for me, you know.
- All I've ever known is ranching.
- [Dale sighs.]
I had a similar problem one time.
My dad wanted me to take over his well-drillin' business.
Oh, yeah? Well, how'd you end up bein' a vet? Oh, well, I fell in love with Lassie when I was a kid.
I watched every episode of that show.
For me, it was Pam Anderson in Baywatch, but I get it.
I told my dad, "No, I'm a vet.
It's in my blood.
I love taking care of animals.
" I can't imagine a world where I did anything else.
- That's how I feel about ranching.
- [chuckles.]
On the other hand, my brother inherited the well-drillin' business and, uh he hit oil.
Now he's got a big house in Aspen and a 25-year-old Russian bride.
So what the fuck do I know? You guys like your salad dressing mixed in or on the side? - Don't matter to me.
- Me either.
You guys aren't gonna eat salad, are you? - Not a chance.
- No way.
Colt, throw these on the grill.
If you burn 'em, we're gonna have to eat salad.
So, Mr.
Bennett, any news on the [imitates robot.]
Actually, we met today, decided we're better off as friends.
And I was already picturing you two and me and Colt on a double date.
When you pictured that, was hell frozen over? Actually, I think it's for the best.
She's comin' over tomorrow.
We're gonna watch a movie.
Well, I'm glad you talked to her.
- [Beau.]
- This is good news.
- What's good news? - They renewed Blue Bloods, son.
- Aw! Sweet! - [Beau.]
[knock on door.]
Hey, Heather.
What the fuck is your problem, Colt? All right, I'm gonna go check on the fuckin' steaks.
- What's goin' on? - Why the hell did you go talk to Paul? What? Why'd you do that? Well, 'cause you're having my kid.
If this guy's a piece of shit, that's a problem.
Yeah, but that's not your place to do that, Colt.
Sure it is.
I'm the father.
Back me up here, Ab.
No, this is between you two.
I'm not weighin' in.
It's none of my business.
Just like it's none of your business who she dates.
But that's not me weighin' in.
Okay, I'm done.
Well, if you'd just introduced me in the bar instead of actin' all shady, I wouldn't have had to go check him out.
Are you kidding, Colt? This was our first date.
What am I supposed to do? Introduce him to my ex-boyfriend? I already had to start with "I'm pregnant.
" I'm just being protective of my kid.
Oh, so, what? Now I just don't know how to judge someone's character or make good decisions? Well, uh, father of the baby.
Maybe I'm the one who can't judge character.
Whoa! I thought you were stayin' out of this.
I'm trying.
It's very hard.
Hey, Colt, do you believe I care just as much about this kid as you do? - Of course.
- Okay, then you're gonna have to be okay with me having my own life.
- Just like you have your own life.
- Okay.
I get it, okay? I just I don't know.
The the idea of some guy being around my kid? That scares the crap out of me.
Okay, and I get that.
But it's gonna happen sooner or later.
I know.
I just thought it'd be after the baby's born.
And, like, turns 18.
Look, if it makes you feel any better, it's probably not gonna be Paul.
He used half the night to talk about how I could use algebra at the gas station.
- Man, I forgot how lame teachers are.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
- Look, just do me a favor.
If you end up gettin' serious with somebody, just keep me in the loop, all right? Okay.
I will.
I'll I'll try.
Thank you.
Steaks are almost done.
Figure out what the fuck's wrong with him yet? - Hey, Ma.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Can I get a whiskey? Yeah, you look like you've had a long day.
Whoa, you smell like you've had a really long day.
I was digging through cow shit at Dale's all day.
Hmm, new hobby? Just doin' a bunch of odd jobs for him.
Tried to cover the smell with that, uh, Axe body spray.
Now I just smell like shit-scented Axe body spray.
And why were you diggin' through cow manure all day? Well, he had this constipated cow and he needed me to take a stool sample.
[inhales deeply.]
And then all of a sudden, I noticed some twine in the manure.
You know the old saying, "You see twine in the shit, there's rope in the cow.
" Yeah.
I had that on a throw pillow.
So I grab a hose, stuff it in there, start flushing her out.
Sure enough, there's the end of the twine.
So now I'm pullin' it out of her ass like a magician's scarf.
Hey, you know, that reminds me of that Christmas that you ate the popcorn off the tree, you know, string and all.
Well, should have seen this poor cow, Mom.
She was in so much pain.
She could have died.
But now she's just shittin' up a storm.
You should see the look on your face right now.
Well, it's a pretty fun day.
You know what? I'm taking back my offer.
I don't want you to run this bar.
What? No, Mom.
I didn't tell you that story so I could back out of somethin'.
Just telling you about my day.
Yeah, and I'm just telling you about your life.
You don't wanna work at this place.
Don't I? I mean, I need a job.
I need money.
Oh, no.
You have something much more important than money.
You have a passion for ranching.
I also have a passion to pay my phone bill.
Look, that's gonna work itself out.
You know, Dale will keep using you, you can work around here whenever you need to.
I mean, we don't have any sick cows, but Hank did get his arm stuck in the hand dryer last week.
Well, I mean, how are you gonna leave if I don't take over the bar? Look, if you were running this place, and you got an offer for a ranching job, would you take it? - No.
- And would you want to take it? - I I don't know.
- Rooster.
- [sighs.]
I mean, yeah, probably.
- That's just it.
I never wanna get in the way of you and what makes you happy.
And if it makes you happy to pull twine out of a cow's ass then I've done a good job as Mom.
So, what are you gonna do now? Oh, I don't know.
I'll figure something out.
- You gonna offer the place to Colt? - Fuck, no.
- So what do you think? - Oh, it was great.
I loved the part where John Wayne rode the horse and shot the bad guy.
- Which time? - Um [chuckles.]
Okay, I nodded off for a second.
[Beau chuckles.]
Just tell me, who shot Liberty Valance? Are you kiddin' me? The Duke.
And which one is the Duke? Get out of my house.
Next time we do this, I get to pick what we watch.
How do you feel about musicals? If I'm gonna watch somebody dance, someone better be shootin' at their feet.
- Hey, this was the right call.
- What was? Just stayin' friends.
- I had a good time, Beau.
- Me, too.
Drive safe.
- [switch clicks.]
- [slow song playing on radio.]
I'm not giving your Chevy a jump.
I don't want my Ford to catch anything.
Very funny.
I just forgot my keys.
- Here they are.
- Mmm, thank you.
[slow country music playing.]

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