The Ranch (2016) s02e14 Episode Script

Much Too Young (To Feel This Old)

Hey, look who I drug out.
Oh, shit.
And it's after 7:00.
It's not even your birthday.
Wait, it's not your birthday, is it? It's not his birthday.
Is it? If it was my birthday, do you think I'd be spending it with my sons? Hey, are you gonna get us a couple beers, or am I gonna have to leave another angry Yelp review? Yeah, sure.
Need to see your ID, please.
- What? - Dude, can't get shut down again.
- I'm your brother.
- Yeah, that's what you would say.
Plus, you look kind of like a young girl.
ID, please.
All right.
Pay attention to my middle name.
You're an organ donor? Shit.
Some poor asshole's gotta get stuck with your brain? Hey, Dad.
Can I see your ID? Fuck you.
Two beers.
Coming up.
All right.
That'll be six bucks.
Six bucks for beer? You owe me 50 grand for room and board for the last 35 years.
Come on, Dad.
You're complaining about six bucks? You're about to have all that pipeline money coming through.
Not till we sign the papers.
Engineer Jen is coming back to town next week, so we can talk some more about it.
Really? Well, you let me know when that is, all right? I've always wanted to know what it's like, hooking up with a college graduate.
I mean, there was that one time I hooked up with that doctor.
That was a Halloween costume.
By that logic, I hooked up with the back half of a unicorn.
Besides, you're with Mary.
Not no more.
What happened? She meet anyone else? Had to cut her loose.
Time for this Rooster to fly.
Time for this Django to be unchained.
You doing all right? Of course I'm doing all right.
Rooster's back on the market.
Today I signed up for Tinder, Bumble and Farmers Only.
Check out my profile pic.
Me shirtless at the lake, right before them rich guys threw me off that big boat.
Your skin's so pink, you look like a little piglet.
Yeah, looks like a horse's ass to me.
- Hey.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
Oh, teachers' meeting at school took forever.
Apparently, our office pool picking which student's gonna get pregnant next is a "lawsuit waitin' to happen.
" It's bullshit, too, 'cause I had Kelly Miller this year, and her dad just went to jail.
She was a lock.
- Beer? - Yeah.
You guys wanna hear a juicy rumor? Oh, yes.
Is it that Rooster gives himself perms at home? 'Cause that ain't a rumor.
No, but that is awesome.
God gave me this hair.
And on the seventh day, he rested.
Yeah, well, they're shutting down Norwood High.
They're gonna merge with Garrison.
We're gonna have double the students next year.
That's a real shame.
There's a lot of history between our schools.
Yeah, a lot of people are gonna lose their jobs.
I mean, they're Norwood teachers, so they can suck it! But it is still sad.
Losing our arch enemy.
It's like Colt losing math.
Yeah, who's gonna be our rival now? We used to have one rival.
You subtract one rival, that equals zero rivals.
In your face! All right, I'm out of here.
Hanging with you guys is like watching MSNBC.
Every few years, I'll click over to it, just to remind myself how much I hate it.
Not you, sweetheart.
Wait, Mr.
Bennett, before you leave - Colt, did you tell 'em yet? - No, I was waiting for you.
All right.
Abby and I got some news.
What are you guys doing on June 28th? Well, let me check my calendar.
Well, you pick your prettiest heifer and make her your plus-one, 'cause that's the day we're getting married.
Bring a heifer to a wedding, huh? I've been there.
That's right around the corner.
Yeah, figured I ought to do it soon before Abby came to her senses.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
June 28th? That's John Elway's birthday Fuck, yeah, it is! What? Is that Is that why you picked that date? Fuck, yeah, it is! Joanne.
- Hey, Beau.
- Hey.
- When'd you get back from Phoenix? - Just last night.
And thank God.
That city's depressing.
Just a lot of old people sitting around, waiting to die.
- Phoenix, huh? - Yeah.
Sounds all right to me.
- Well, sit.
- Thank you.
How's your daughter doing? Much better, thanks.
How are your boys? Much worse.
Sorry I've been so bad about keeping in touch.
But these last few months with my daughter have been so crazy.
The lawyers, the rehab, jail, taking care of my granddaughter There's no need to apologize.
And, look, I'd I'd love to stay and chat, but I gotta get to the Cracker Barrel.
I called in sick for my last 72 shifts.
I think they're starting to get suspicious.
That's no problem.
I was there the other night.
If you run into a college fella named Chad, tell him I'm still waiting for my iced tea.
So, we gotta find a time to catch up.
You wanna come over to the Cracker Barrel? I get off at 5:00.
We can sit in Chad's section and stiff him.
Actually, I'm going out tonight.
Oh! Beau Bennett going out.
You got funnier since I've been gone.
- No, I've been seeing someone.
- Oh.
Really? Well, good.
I'm happy for you.
Anybody I know? Uh, Brenda, from the hair salon.
I know Brenda.
She's great.
I went out on a couple of dates in Phoenix, but all the guys I met were either fathers of people in rehab, or in rehab themselves.
With the old people and the recovering meth addicts, it's hard to find people with teeth.
So, you still wanna get together? Of course.
There's even more to catch up on.
How 'bout Sunday? Come by the ranch.
I wanna see what else has changed.
Next, you'll tell me you're eating sushi.
- Well - Are you fucking kidding me? - Ab.
- Yeah? Can you get a hair person for the wedding? Yeah, probably.
You think they have, like, a time limit, or can they do multiple people? - Yes, you can use my hair person.
- Oh, great.
Can I have her e-mail? 'Cause I got a Pinterest board with some styles that I've been playing with.
Oh, you know what, actually, I got some other ideas about the wedding.
Great! Let me get mine.
Babe, seems you're a little further ahead than I am.
- Well, I did plan a wedding last year.
- Oh.
Yeah, I remember.
I stole you from him.
We ruined a guy's life.
Good for us.
These are just some old notes.
You know, on DJs, florists, caterers, venues silverware, songs, rentals, transportation.
Oh, and I've got info on a guy who can train doves how to fly in the shape of a heart.
Oh! Awesome.
After the wedding, we can get No, you and your groomsmen cannot shoot them.
Well, at least we can line dance to "Cotton-Eye Joe," right? Maybe.
But we definitely can't afford a flyover from the Blue Angels! I'm way ahead of you.
We find out where they're gonna be on June 28th, and we get married somewhere underneath them.
- Hey, Abby.
- Hey.
Did you get that cattle guard cleaned out? Oh, no.
Me and Abby were just going over some wedding stuff.
I have some thoughts.
- Really? - Yeah.
What if by the time you get married, the fucking cattle guard was clean? Yes, Mr.
Bennett! Whoo! I hate it when you two hang out.
That's what you got to look forward to for the rest of your life.
Don't worry, I've been engaged before.
Doesn't always stick.
Hey, what are you doing on Sunday? I was thinking of getting the caterers to bring over some options.
I'll have mine medium rare.
Okay, I'll put you down for one medium rare sea bass.
- I already have plans.
- Oh.
Joanne's coming by for dinner.
Joanne? An old flame has been relit.
You're family now.
I can tell you to shut the hell up.
Okay, but how does Brenda feel about you spending time with her? Why would Brenda care? It's just two friends having dinner.
You don't think it'd be a good idea to talk to her about it? I don't think it's a good idea to talk to anybody about anything.
All right.
Well, I I'm just saying, if Colt was going out with his ex-girlfriend for dinner and didn't tell me, I don't think I'd be too happy about it.
Of course, last time he did that, he got a girl pregnant, so I might be paranoid.
There's nothing going on between me and Joanne.
All right, I get it.
But if you don't tell her and she finds out from someone else, she's gonna think you're hiding something.
Like a baby.
Maybe I am making this about me.
No, I think you're right.
It's probably best to be up front.
- Thanks, Abby.
- Oh, please.
I believe the more we open up and talk about our feelings, the better.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
- Abby? - Yeah? Shut the hell up.
What you doin' here? I need your help.
Gotta move that cattle guard so I can clean it.
Who's that? Don't worry about it.
You got a girl over.
Who is it? Pregnant Linda? Cindy, from the Dairy Queen? Old Coach Jensen come over to teach you a couple of wrestling moves? You really wanna know? All right.
I'm sorry, bro.
It's Abby.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Rachel, my brother, Colt.
Colt, my friend Rachel.
Nice to meet you, Rachel.
How'd you two meet? You smell turpentine and then wake up here? - We met on Tinder.
- Oh.
He looked so cute in his picture.
Oh, yeah? Bet you can't wait to get on Piglet's boat.
It does look awesome.
Yeah, it is awesome.
Unfortunately, I don't got it right now.
Loaned it out to them, uh, Fast and Furious people for their new movie.
Hey, you can't tell nobody, but, uh they're doing boats.
That wasn't the only thing.
Our profiles totally matched up.
You know, EDM, vaping, we both think puppies are low-key lit.
Boy, that's that's off-the-chain ill.
Excuse me? Word.
- All right, I'm gonna get going.
- Mmm-hmm.
It's nice to meet you.
Sure I'll be seeing you on Amber Alert.
Sorry about my donkey brother.
So, you hungry? I was about to do up some sandwiches.
You know, a little, uh, roast beef and chill.
I actually gotta go, too.
Oh, well.
You don't gotta.
I was gonna throw on The Bachelor.
Yeah, my ex got me hooked.
Brad's got a two-on-one date with, uh, Kim and Sasha, and those chicks fuckin' hate each other.
Are are you serious? I'm, like, you know low-key serious.
- I don't really, like, watch TV.
- Yeah.
I mean on my laptop.
No, I just got that thing here, uh, ironically.
So, you wanna do something on Friday? I'm supposed to hang out with my friends.
Yeah, just bring 'em on over here.
That'd be perf.
Ooh, maybe we can go to your lake house? Yeah, man, that would be perf.
Guess you didn't hear, though.
Massive fire.
Yeah, sucks.
Pretty much burned up everything in my profile.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
The house, Lamborghini Shit.
Fuckin' tigers barely got out, you know? Imagine your target is something you hate.
Kim Jong Un.
Vladimir, whatever his fuckin' middle name is, Putin.
Bud Light Lime.
All right, be careful.
Guns are like my kids.
Always assume they're loaded.
Well, at least your kids aren't lethal weapons.
Well, they're fuckin' killing me.
Just relax.
Settle on the target.
Squeeze real slow.
Don't pull it.
Yeah, yeah.
Just let me blow some shit up.
Oh! Yes! All right, that's it.
I'm no longer a Democrat.
How much ammo do you have? I've learned answering that question makes people uncomfortable.
Hey, I've got something to talk about.
Well, if it's how good I look with this gun, you don't have to tell me.
My friend Joanne's back in town.
We're gonna have dinner tomorrow night.
Ah, yes! Let's see those Supercuts assholes steal a customer from me now.
I just wanted to tell you about Joanne so you didn't hear from somebody else, get the wrong idea.
Well, what idea would that be? Well Joanne and I spent some time together a little while back.
Are you trying to tell me that I'm not the first woman that you spent time with? 'Cause I do know how those kids of yours came to be.
It never got that serious with Joanne.
Besides, I told her about you.
Beau, you're the most honorable person I know.
If you say there's nothing to worry about, then I'm not worried.
And I'm not just saying this 'cause I'm holding this gun.
I appreciate your understanding.
Hey, you got any bigger guns? I've learned that the answer to that question makes people uncomfortable.
Okay, keep an open mind.
Right? I know it doesn't look like much now, but you just have to use your imagination.
We'll be feeding each other cake at the sweetheart table over here.
And Rooster will be unsuccessfully hitting on bridesmaids over there.
And over there.
And over there.
Hank? What are you doing here? What? I can go other places.
Look, Hank's here.
Feels like home.
I don't know, I I was just picturing something bigger, you know? Something a little more unique.
We are not getting married at Talladega Speedway.
Not with that attitude.
Look, I have done a lot of research, all right? And the next bigger place is Grand Junction History Museum.
I'm not having the first time you go to a museum be at our wedding.
It's just this place ain't gonna work.
I mean, I got a big family.
And lots of friends.
It's also somebody's birthday.
John Elway is not coming to our wedding.
Not with that attitude.
Colt, look.
Bigger means more expensive.
And it's just one day of our life.
Why don't we save that money for something more important, like a house, or the Peterson Ranch.
Or a couple of sweet-ass Jet Skis.
They're gonna be on the registry.
John Elway can do with that information what he will.
I just I don't know, it's just It doesn't feel like the place.
There ain't even room for a band.
No, we're not doing a band, we're getting a DJ.
- A DJ? - Yeah.
Okay, you're worried about money, but you wanna pay some guy to press play on an iPod? Okay, you don't want a DJ? We'll hire your cousin's band and we can have our first dance while they play Lynyrd Skynyrd on the spoons and a washboard.
Well, whether we hire 'em or not, they're gonna play at the wedding.
Do I not get to make any decisions here? Look, I'm sorry.
You're the one who wants to get married this summer.
And having most of this figured out is a way to do that.
Well, I don't want Kenny's fucking wedding.
It's not Kenny's wedding.
It's just stuff I know I want.
Well, what about what I want? You can choose a lot of things.
Like, what about the tuxedos? Oh.
Uh, camo.
- No, that is ridiculous! - No! What's ridiculous is getting married in Hank's backup bar! You know, it's really easy to shit on all of my decisions, but I don't see you coming up with anything better.
You won't let me come up with anything! Because I don't want my wedding to look like a fuckin' episode of Duck Dynasty! I never got that show.
This is great.
Yeah, yeah.
Your friends are cool.
Yeah, they're all bitches.
I love them.
Yeah, my friends are bitches, too.
Hey, do you wanna do Molly? Yeah, if you're into that.
Which one of these chicks is Molly? - Oh.
- Sorry.
It's okay.
Uh, Samantha, your dad's here.
- Uh, what? - And he's hot! Oh, uh yeah.
I'm not here to pick anyone up.
I - I'm hot? - Yeah, and I'm Jessie.
Hi, Jessie.
I'm Colt.
And I'm engaged to a very beautiful woman named Jessie.
What's up? Welcome to the party.
You remember my brother, Colt.
What's going down? Uh, Abby and I got in a big fight.
Just came to hang out.
Who are all these people? These are my friends.
What's up, Gabe? Honestly, that might be Kyle.
I don't know.
We'll talk outside.
Samantha, your dad's leaving! No, I'm Just tell her to hurry up.
Hey, y'all.
Keep the party going, huh? Gonna do a beer run.
- Dude, call the cops.
- What? No.
I can't take this shit, okay? I need this party busted and these fucking kids to go home.
The Rooster wants the party to be over? Hey.
Remember that old guy who used to buy us beer? Oh, yeah.
We'd have to pick it up at his apartment and then he'd make us watch him do curls.
That dude was fuckin' creepy.
Well, I'm him now.
You don't fill out a tank top like he did.
Come on, dude.
I'm country strong, all right? I don't got beach muscles.
That's a whole different thing.
Look, man.
That chick Rachel is hot, but I kinda want her and all her friends to die.
You'll get a kick out of this.
The other day, Dale was at the doctor, and the guy's trying to tell him there's nothing wrong with him.
Only, Dale doesn't have his hearing aids turned on, so he can't hear a lick.
Oh, no.
What'd he do? Well, he turned 'em on and the doctor said he's fine.
Uh-huh, and then what happened? Uh I assume Dale went on home.
I don't know.
Well, one thing hasn't changed.
You still can't tell a story for shit.
I'm really glad you're back.
I missed you, Joanne.
So, look, if you're up for it, I thought we could watch Red Dawn.
High school football players in the mountains of Colorado killin' Russians.
It's like they made the movie just for me.
Actually, I should get going.
Okay, you pick the movie.
But I'd prefer something where communists or Nazis are gettin' killed.
No, it It's not that.
It's just It doesn't matter.
Joanne, what? I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but talk to me.
I can't go back to just being friends.
I thought we both moved on.
I mean, you said you were dating in Phoenix.
Yeah, I did.
But now that I'm here, you know, all the old feelings just come back.
Well it's not like I haven't thought about you.
I have.
It's just I'm with Brenda now.
I know.
And and I'm really happy for you.
But I can't be around you and pretend that I don't want more.
We can't be in each other's lives at all? Well, we tried being friends and we just ended up right here kissing.
We did.
All right, I should go.
Joanne, wait.
Yeah? You take care of yourself.
You too, Beau.
- Rooster.
- Hey.
You got a second to talk? Uh, sure.
What's up? - Did you watch The Bachelor? - Yeah.
You see Karen accidentally let her tit flop out during the group date? I would have shoved that rose right up her ass.
I know, right? I mean, it's like, is Brad that much of a catch? I feel like anybody can get laid in a hot air balloon flying over Napa.
Is this really what you came to talk about? No.
I had a party back at the cabin tonight.
There was booze and a bunch of chicks, and there was EDM.
Which I either listened to or ingested, I got no idea.
You know, it was the kind of thing that back in the day, I would've loved, but tonight, I just kept thinking how I'd rather be here with you, you know? Trying to figure out if Brad and Lisa had room in that hot air balloon to have sex or if they just did a bunch of hand stuff.
Oh, they definitely had room.
That thing wasn't any smaller than the babyGap dressing room, and we had sex in there.
Yeah, you know? That's what I'm saying.
It's like, we had a good thing going.
That's hard to find.
I'm sorry I messed that up.
You didn't mess it up, Rooster.
It was great.
It, you know, just ran its course.
I love you, Mary.
No, you don't.
Okay, that's a weird response.
Okay, I don't I don't think you do.
And that's okay.
You're just sad.
I'm sad, too.
You know, that's how breakups work.
Doesn't mean we made the wrong decision.
Well can't blame me for trying.
I certainly don't.
Thanks, honey.
You think, uh, tonight would have gone any different if I showed up in a hot air balloon? Honestly? Yeah.
Colt, no.
Turn around.
Go away! That's the same thing they said at my last NFL tryout.
What's all this? Okay.
Ta-da! Yeah.
There were supposed to be lights all over the driveway and the porch, but you showed up early and ruined it, like an asshole.
I'm sorry if you felt like you weren't a part of my wedding.
Our wedding.
Shit, I'll get it.
What you wanna get married here? I don't care where we get married.
As long as I'm marrying you, I'll be happy.
Sorry I got so upset.
I love you, Abby Phillips Bennett.
Okay, we'll talk about that.
Look, the point is, if we do it here, we can invite as many people as we want, and with the money that we save, we can get a band, or whatever else you can think of.
I get my own hair person? Yeah, and she got all your e-mails.
She doesn't want to work with you.
I'm sorry I ruined your surprise.
Well, you did not ruin all of the surprises.
Oh, my God.
John Elway's in the house right now, isn't he? - John! John Elway! - No, no! John Elway's not in the house.
That's exactly what you'd say if John Elway was in the house.
Okay, no, stop.
It's fine.
This is the surprise.
Holy shit.
Is that the wedding dress? Fuck, no.
But I will wear it at the reception when we play this.
Come on, girl! What the hell? - Oh, my God.
- What? Who is it? It's it's my friend, Monica, from school.
Norwood's not closing, Garrison is.
What? We're gonna lose our jobs.

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