The Ranch (2016) s02e20 Episode Script

If Tomorrow Never Comes

What are you doin'? It's called work.
You oughta try it sometime.
You oughta be taking it easy.
I'll do this.
Or I won't.
And then you can yell at me about not doin' it when you come home from the hospital.
Give you something to look forward to.
You know, my father taught me to never leave a job unfinished.
'Course, he also taught me to never leave a steak unfinished.
Probably why I had a fuckin' heart attack.
Yeah? My dad taught me the value of a good head of hair.
You realize if I died right now, that'd be the last thing you said to me? I think I'm good with that.
Come on, you're gonna be fine.
You know, I've been on this ranch for 72 years.
Just the smell of the morning air still gets me excited for the day.
That's your excited face? Wow.
I had a happier childhood than I thought.
Hey, uh, I know it's not great timing, but, uh, the deadline on that Peterson place is tomorrow, so, uh, I need you to sign the paperwork before you leave today.
I haven't even had a chance to check out that place.
Well, I mean, you can look at it, but it's pretty much like this place.
Bunch of cows, bunch of grass, grumpy old man with a bunch of guns.
Yeah, one big difference He stopped having kids after one.
Look, I'm not gonna buy a piece of land I haven't looked at, Colt.
Dad, look, if we don't get this place, Peterson's gonna sell it to Neumann's Hill.
You understand that I have an appointment with a cardiologist today to decide whether to cut me open? Look I wish I didn't have to bring it up at all.
I mean, you said you were in, right? - We talked about it.
It's a good - Colt, will you just fucking drop it? Sorry.
Look, I know you're disappointed.
But things have changed since I said I was in.
If we don't get this one, there'll be other ranches.
Other ranches.
It's cold out.
Man, this is bullshit.
Did you remind him that after tomorrow Peterson's gonna sell to Neumann's Hill? Yeah, of course.
Then he got pissed, so I just dropped it.
And then he looked at me with that that face.
You know, the one he gets when he turns on an NFL game, finds out they're playing in Europe.
Come on, guys, your dad has a lot goin' on, okay? I can see why he doesn't want to make the commitment.
Yeah, everyone's going through a lot.
Lot of changes goin' on.
Man, it would've been so cool.
Also would've been so cool if our last name was Coors.
Or Miller, or Hooters.
You really think there's a guy out there named Joe Hooters? Bill Hooters, smart ass, and I met him in Clearwater, Florida.
All right, we are heading out.
Same rules as when you were kids.
No parties, no girls and I marked all the levels of whiskey with a Sharpie.
- Sure you don't want us to go with you? - No, you two are in charge of the ranch.
Abby, you're in charge of them.
I recommend you keep the fire extinguisher where you can see it.
Well, that heart attack didn't fuck up that quick wit, huh? Look, I made you a little care package, Mr.
It's got snacks, a Louis L'Amour novel and I photoshopped a picture of John Wayne and Jesus on horses in heaven sayin', "Not yet, partner.
" Well, thank you.
So, if anything goes wrong, everything you need to know is in here.
Will and testament, funeral arrangements and final estate plans.
Ain't nothing gonna happen.
Well, if it does, you'll see in there that I wanna be buried with my Winchester and my Uggs.
All right, we're gonna hit the road.
You're gonna be fine, Mr.
- Thanks, Abby.
- Yeah.
I love you, Dad.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Somethin' lame Colt would say in a moment like this.
You go out there and you fuckin' kick your heart's ass.
I ain't worried.
See you when you get back.
All right.
Take care of the ranch.
See you, boys.
Love you, boys.
All right, now I'm worried.
How do I look? Like a hillbilly magician.
Why are you so dressed up? Just taking, uh, Engineer Jen out on a date.
That trick you taught me about treatin' her like a person totally worked.
It's not a trick.
A trick, a trap, whatever you wanna call it.
Either way, it paid off and I'm good to go.
Only question left is do I put cologne on my balls? Not unless it's Miracle-Gro.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Talked to Mom or Dad? - Yeah, yeah.
They made it up to Grand Junction.
Headed over to see the cardiologist.
Dad sounded good, you know, usual conversation.
He hung up on me after 30 seconds so the government couldn't get a lock on his location.
Good for your mom, making it through a three-hour car ride with your dad and not Thelma & Louise-ing them.
Oh, shit.
Why you dressed like that? You tryin' to get laid while dealing blackjack at the old folks' home again? No, you idiot.
I got a date with Engineer Jen.
Abby helped me trick her.
Well, I went by Peterson's see if he could give us a little more time.
He was super high.
Said he's taking that deal from Neumann's Hill tomorrow.
Oh, and also that, "Life is just a giant's dream.
" Uh, oh, and he said if Kim Jong Il was in a movie, he'd be the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Man, this sucks.
This really sucks.
But it is what it is, huh? What you gonna do? All right, I'mma get outta here.
That was a mistake.
So, you all right? I know this Peterson ranch thing has gotta hurt.
Yup, it sucks.
Listen, why don't we go to dinner, huh? Eddie Pineapple from the Deadliest Catch is signing his book at the Red Lobster in Durango.
I don't know, maybe.
Are you sure you're okay? Just waiting to see if you're gonna tell me.
Tell you what? My mom accidentally told me you got that job in Denver.
Oh, shit.
Colt, I was gonna tell you last night, but then your dad came out, and then you said how much you needed me That's why you gave me the Big League Chew.
No, I don't want it, it's tainted.
No, actually, you know what? You don't deserve the official bubble gum of Ripken Baseball.
Why would you tell my mom before you told me? Colt, you got a lot goin' on.
It's kinda hard to say, "Hey, I wanna go to Denver.
" Oh, well, that's great.
So, you just you already made up your mind, huh? No, I haven't.
Would I like to go? Yes.
- But can't we talk about it? - Okay, yeah, yeah.
Let's talk about it.
I'll go first.
Abby, don't go to Denver.
Okay, your turn.
Colt, there's no jobs here, okay? As soon as somethin' comes up, I'll move back.
But think about it.
You just lost the Peterson ranch.
We need to be a two-income family.
How's this gonna work? What, we're gonna get married and you're gonna go to Denver while I go on our honeymoon alone to the NFL Hall of Fame? You're supposed to be there to cause a distraction while I hang up my jersey! Actually, I I gotta go to Denver before we get married.
The job starts on Monday.
- What? - Yeah.
Well, that's just fucking great.
Today, I lost my ranch and my wife.
Oh, God.
You didn't lose me, okay? We're gonna get married.
- Everything is gonna be fine.
- Yeah? And how are we gonna plan a wedding when you're six hours away? Oh, shit, I got an idea, let's get married over Snapchat! Yeah, yeah, that way we can both have cats for heads! Sorry, I just have to handle this.
Apparently, some senator showed up to support the pipeline protest.
Oh, shit.
Well, how do you handle that? Ah, it's always the same.
We sit him down, pull out a chart showing him the economic benefits of the pipeline versus its limited environmental impact.
And then taped to the back of the chart is a check to his campaign for $100,000.
Shit, my dad was right.
The system really is rigged, huh? Hey, you know anything about Roswell? Hey, why did you bring whiskey? We are in a museum.
Well, I think you just answered your own question.
Oh, my God! The Mohs scale of relative mineral hardness.
I had this poster in my dorm room.
I bet I know what you didn't have in your dorm room.
Hey, check out what's harder than diamond.
Nothing's harder than "Rooster's penis.
" Yep.
They keep erasing it, so I got an annual pass so I can get in here once a week and touch it up.
Wow! You're a member of a museum? I would've lost a lot of money on that one.
Well, you know, rocks are pretty badass.
Fun fact the old Mars Curiosity rover was analyzing this rock.
Turns out had a very high feldspar content.
And on Earth, 66% of feldspar is consumed in glassmaking.
Okay, you just quoted Wikipedia.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
I know because I edit that page.
Well, fun fact, I edit all of the tectosilicate pages.
I don't think you know what a fun fact is.
- Did you study to impress me? - Oh, please.
I didn't even study to graduate high school.
Did you graduate high school? It's not important.
All right, yeah, maybe I did a little research.
You know, haven't exactly dated a girl like you before.
I'm not sure I'd say we're dating.
Yeah, no, 'course not.
- What are we doin'? - I don't know.
I mean, we have fun even though we don't have a lot in common.
I mean, you're a redneck rancher and I'm a nerdy geologist.
That sounds like a very specific and awesome porn.
See, normally if someone said that to me, I would slap them.
Hey, I'm not mad at that.
Why do I not hate you? Well, you know 25% charm, 85% beard.
That is 110%.
That's what the Rooster always gives.
I'm proud of you, Beau.
You went into a cardiologist's office today, and the only person you swore at was a parking attendant.
$12 to park a car? The suit I wore to our wedding cost less than $12.
You should order anything you want.
You deserve it.
Well, I want a steak.
But when they tell you you're gonna have an angiogram in the morning, you start to rethink a few things.
Well, if anything, this is the time to do it.
They're gonna go in there and clean everything out.
Sort of like spilling crumbs on the carpet before you vacuum.
Fuck it.
Thirty-two ounce ribeye.
That heart doctor's gonna earn his paycheck.
You hear that? Conway Twitty.
Remember when we saw him at Red Rocks in '74? Yeah, it started raining right after he went on.
Yeah, and we couldn't see because the guy in front of us wouldn't put down his umbrella, so you grabbed it and snapped it in half.
The only thing an umbrella protects you from is being a man.
I should've taken you to more concerts.
I should've done a lot of things differently.
Well, doesn't help us to talk about that now.
I should have been a better husband, Mags.
Then again, some things are worth exploring.
No, I mean it.
I put work before you and the boys.
Maybe if I hadn't, they'd have turned out better.
Or at least different.
I should've found some new hobbies, read more books, traveled.
Really? Travel? Where would we have gone? Anywhere you wanted.
- Hawaii? - Sure.
Any culture that buries a pig over hot coals can't be bad.
What about Mexico? Why not? A taco's basically a sideways hamburger.
Paris? Hawaii and Mexico would be fine.
Look, it's not too late to make any changes you want.
Nah, I don't know.
I'm 72 years old.
You've made some changes this year.
You have Joanne now.
When you get through this, you should take her to Mexico.
Maybe you could wear a pair of shorts or is that too revealing for you? The only thing that shorts reveal is that you're not a man.
Maria give me a shot of Jim, Johnnie, Jack, Jameson and Jose all in one glass.
That way, I ain't lying when the cop pulls me over and I tell him I only had one drink.
They call that a tornado.
Why's that? 'Cause all the drinks swirl together? No, 'cause after you drink it, you trash a trailer park.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey, Jerry.
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your dad.
How's he doing? He's doing okay.
They met with the cardiologist, said he has to get an angiogram in the morning.
Well, I'm sure you're worried, but it's amazing the things they can do.
I've got three stents, a pig valve and the liver of a 23-year-old woman.
But it wasn't the part I was after.
So, did you guys close on the Peterson ranch? No, I, uh, couldn't get my dad to sign before he left, so Well, we'll just get Rooster to do it.
What? We can't forge my dad's signature.
It's not an application for a Discover card.
I did all your dad's legal work, and Rooster has the power of attorney.
He can act on behalf of your father in regard to all legal and financial matters.
We can buy the Peterson ranch with or without my dad's permission? Colt, as an attorney licensed in the state of Colorado, I am forbidden to disclose any more information.
I got two grams of mushrooms in an Altoid tin that Rooster left in my truck.
Your brother can do whatever the hell he wants to.
Shit! We're buying the Peterson ranch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great.
Now, listen, the 'shrooms are they Mexican or are they golden cap? 'Cause I gotta know how long I have to be out of the office.
We're buying the Peterson ranch.
Are you high? No, although I do owe you a tin of magic mushrooms.
Look, I talked to Jerry at the bar.
He says you have power of attorney.
And then and then Peterson said if we come over tomorrow and we sign that place is ours.
Ninja star! Boom! We're doing this! Boom! No, we're not.
What? Wait, why? Did you hear what I said? You can sign the papers.
Like, you're the new dad.
You're a fucking idiot.
See that? You're a natural.
Colt, Dad did not give me that authority for some shit like this, okay? He said he doesn't wanna buy the ranch.
No, no, he does! It's just that things changed because he had a heart attack.
Yeah, man, that's right.
Dad had a heart attack.
Wanna know a great way to give him another one? Have him come home, find out we went behind his back, spent every penny he had to buy a ranch he don't want.
You know what, shit, while we're at it, why don't we just go ahead and register all his guns? No, man, no.
He already bought into this.
He knows that pipeline money's coming! Yeah, is he gonna be mad? Yeah, sure.
It's like It's like when we brought home Drake.
He said, "No dogs.
" Then within a week, that dog's his best friend.
Takes him fishing, teaches him how to catch a ball.
He was like the son he never had.
Dad would fucking kill us.
Man, come on, I know for a fact that you want this as much as I do.
Yeah, maybe I do, all right? Fuck! Look you checked into all this? Yeah.
I called Bill from the bank on the way home, and he said all you gotta do is sign and it's on.
But, look if you don't wanna do it, I get it.
Oh, man.
It's really stupid.
All right, let's do it.
Hell, yeah! Oh, I love you, man! Jesus, dude, get off me.
You really are the new dad.
Look, I'm, uh, sorry about blowing up at you before.
I got some big news, kinda changes everything.
Colt, I know there are three sizes of Big Macs now and it changes nothing.
We're getting the Peterson ranch.
What? Wait, how? I thought your dad said no.
I know, we're doing it behind his back.
It's great.
What? Behind his back? Colt, he doesn't even like when you do things in front of his front.
What are you talking about? Rooster can sign for my dad.
Oh, and we bought a pizza oven.
He's gonna be too happy to even care.
No, Colt, this is a bad idea.
Look, if your dad wanted to sign those papers, he would have.
I don't wanna fight about this.
I mean, we're doin' it.
So, let's look at the good news.
You don't have to take that job in Denver anymore.
It's like, boom! We're back on track.
Whether you get the Peterson ranch or not, I still want to take the job.
Wow, the booms really aren't working today.
I Abby, I love you.
Hey, you know, the whole the whole reason to get this ranch was so we could live there together.
I know and I love you, too.
And none of this is gonna change that, okay? I mean, as important as the Peterson ranch is to you, that's how important this job is to me.
Let me get this straight.
So you're choosing your career over our relationship? No, I'm not saying that at all.
But why can't I have both? Because long-distance relationships don't work.
I don't care what people say, it's Yeah, first, you promise you're gonna see each other every weekend.
And then it's every month.
And then, next thing you know, you're faking orgasms over Skype.
Are you saying that after everything that we've been through, being 300 miles apart is something we can't handle? I'm saying if you go to Denver, it's the first step to the end of our relationship.
Well, I guess I have more faith in us than you do.
- Hey, Joanne.
- Oh, hey, Beau.
What are you doing here? Oh, I called her.
She should be here.
Well, it's great to see you but you didn't have to come.
Well, I wanted to.
Mainly because at some point, they're gonna put you in one of those little backless gowns, and I wasn't gonna miss that for the world.
Like I said, you didn't have to come.
I would have been here sooner, but I was driving around that parking lot forever.
- Yeah.
- I finally parked in one of those spaces reserved for electric cars.
I stuck the plug into my gas tank.
Let those assholes prove my truck's not electric.
I parked on top of a Smart car.
You know, you guys are perfect for each other.
- Mr.
Bennett, we're ready for you.
- Oh, I don't think you are.
Well, this is it.
If anything goes wrong, take care of the boys.
- And you take care of Drake.
- Wait, why do I get the boys? - Hey, Mr.
- Hey, boys.
- Did you get everything taken care of? - Oh, boy.
Yeah, it was a crazy day.
Rooster went down to the bank, I went over to the lawyer's office.
I stopped by a sub shop, picked up a foot-long meatball.
Then we met up at the FedEx Kinko's and xeroxed a couple documents.
I used that paper cutter just to cut that sandwich, just perfectly in half.
Colt, I am pretty close to death.
Next time, just say yes.
Hey, your father's okay with you buying this place? Boy, yeah, you know, everything's on the up and up.
You can e-mail our lawyer, but he's "out of the office.
" The, uh, red spot on here, it's not blood, it's just meatball sauce.
I wanna make sure it's all right with you to live out my remaining days here on my ranch.
Of course.
Yeah, absolutely.
How long do you think that's gonna be? Dude, have some respect, huh? Hey, you're gonna be around for a long time, all right? No way.
Well, I don't think I'm gonna be around here much.
First thing tomorrow, I'm heading to Thailand.
You know, you can pay 300 bucks to blow up a Honda with a grenade launcher.
Shit, we did that last week.
Not even on purpose.
All right, there it is.
You sign, you own it.
Don't mind if I do.
Uh, I ain't never won one, but this must be what it feels like to win a Super Bowl.
I'm going to Disneyland! Not really.
Never been.
My dad wouldn't take me.
Holy shit.
We fucking did it.
We got the Bennett Brothers ranch.
Well, we got Rooster's ranch featuring Colt, but we'll talk about it.
- Well, I'm glad this worked out.
- Yeah.
- You boys deserve it.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh, just so you know, I'm not religious.
- Mmm-hmm.
- So if I'm here when I pass you can just throw my corpse in the jerky shack.
You know, we could throw your body in a Honda, blow it up with a grenade launcher.
Yeah, that's a good idea, dumbass.
The cafeteria was closed, but the comatose guy next door had a whole pot roast dinner.
Good call.
If he wakes up, his family's not gonna give a shit where his food is.
Do I smell meat? Look who's awake.
How you feeling? Sore.
- How long have I been out? - Four years.
Everyone's driving Korean hybrids now.
Everything went fine.
They put in a stent.
You're lucky.
The doctor said there was a 98% blockage in the artery they call the widow-maker.
All those times I told you to drop dead, you really could have.
Well, thank you both for being here.
I've been thinking a lot about the future.
You and I are going to Mexico.
I'm not going to Mexico.
Why don't you take me to fuckin' France while you're at it? You two really are perfect for each other.
Oh, yeah? Great, that's great.
That's awesome.
Yeah, thanks, Mom.
Hey, uh, if you see any Vicodin laying around, just throw 'em in your purse, all right? Hello? - How's Dad? - Oh, yeah, he's great.
Um something about a Shit, what's that monster truck we like? - The Widowmaker.
- Yeah, they fixed that.
Man! Oh! - Okay, I'm glad Dad is okay.
- Mmm-hmm.
Oh, hey, have you seen Abby today? - She left like an hour ago.
- What? Yeah, she threw a suitcase in her truck and took off.
She say anything? Well, I said, "Where you goin'?" and she said, "Mind your own fucking business.
" I don't know, seemed normal to me.
I can't believe it.
She just went to Denver without even saying goodbye to me.
All right, well, calm down, all right? We don't know that to be true.
I just got the ranch and we find out Dad is doin' okay and the one person I want to celebrate with isn't even here.
Well, see, it's a tough situation.
You guys are the strongest couple I know.
I'm sure you're gonna work everything out.
- And there's Jen.
- Mmm-hmm.
How does it feel to have a girlfriend with a nicer truck than you? Uh, feels a little bit better than having a girlfriend who just moved to Denver.
What's up, person I'm not allowed to call Sex Machine Jen? Loophole.
I have some bad news.
We're not gonna do the pipeline.
What? Company decided the protestors caused too much bad publicity.
It's not worth it to them.
Wait, but but what about our money? I'm sorry.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode