The Ranch (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

It's All Wrong, But It's All Right

What Colt! Come on, it's 1:00 in the morning.
My roommate's gone.
You scared me.
I couldn't find my mace.
If you were a robber, I'd have to spray you with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Pack your bags.
- What? - We're going to Mexico.
Get your swimsuit, your sunscreen and cigarettes.
That's like cash there.
That's prison.
Get in here.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about just starting over.
Ab, what's keeping us here? Our jobs, our family, our friends, our lives.
I'm talking about stuff that matters.
Abby, this is our chance to start fresh.
We can go anywhere.
We could do anything.
We could be different people.
I'll be Frank from Tuscaloosa.
You'll be Helen from Tuscaloosa.
Um, Colt, how do I say this? You sound like a fucking whackjob.
Okay? I start school tomorrow.
- I should be sleeping.
- Yeah.
What is going on? The pipeline fell through.
Jesus Christ.
Right after we bought the Peterson ranch.
Look, look.
None of that matters.
This is our chance to start our life together.
Helen from Tuscaloosa roll tide! You always do this.
You can't keep running from your problems.
I disagree, but we can talk about it on the road.
Colt, stop.
Stop what? My family hates me, 'cause I ruined their fucking lives.
You hate me 'cause I'm not a supportive boyfriend.
And, to top it off, on the way here, Waze took me on a toll road.
I didn't have change, so I threw Life Savers in it.
That'll go on my record.
If I ever get car insurance, it'll be fucking expensive.
Colt, come on.
I I don't hate you, okay? And your family will come around.
And you need to get insurance.
Come on.
Sit down.
I I know you're freaking out.
I get it.
A lot of shit has happened.
But we'll figure it out.
How? [SIGHS.]
I don't know.
But I know the solution isn't going to Mexico.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry for coming and dumping this on you.
Yeah, it is not the best time, but we're a team, right? - [COLT SIGHS.]
- Frank and Helen.
Let's go to bed.
We'll talk about it in the morning.
All right.
Thank you.
You're right about the car insurance.
That's something I can fix.
I'll call The General in the morning.
Come here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Should you be drinking? I just like the feel of it in my hand.
It is quiet in here without that buzz.
How could those be our boys? Would it help if I pretended they weren't yours? Very much.
They're certainly not who I thought we raised.
I thought they were better than this.
You remember their first T-ball game? When we said if they got a hit, we'd buy them a snow cone? And they didn't get a hit, but we bought 'em snow cones anyway? Pretty sure that's where it all went wrong.
You think if we hadn't gone to Tastee Freez, we'd be talking about Doctor Colt and Senator Rooster? I don't know.
I'd never have done anything like this to my dad.
Nobody's defended them more than I have.
Maybe it's time to stop looking for what we did wrong.
They're grown men.
This is on them.
This is a fucking mess, Mags.
- Yeah.
- Two mortgages and no money.
If we were closer to market, we'd have a slim chance, but there's no way we'll keep our heads above water through this.
- There's gotta be something we can do.
- Yeah.
Stock up on ammo for when the bankers show up.
So, what? You just gonna give up? Even if there was a miracle, we'll still end up leaving the ranch to the boys.
What's the point? They're just gonna fuck it up.
There's a silver lining.
What would that be? Well, when that happens, we'll be dead.
I gotta get some sleep.
- You gonna be all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Colt always pulls this shit.
Creates a mess and I gotta clean it up.
Know what? Fuck him.
You know, there's two sides to every story.
Hey, Maria, I'll take another round for my friend.
On me.
Like I was saying, fuck Colt.
You know what? I'm with Colt.
Why don't you mind your own Oh, hello.
- I'm Rooster.
- I'm Megan.
Okay, apparently we're done talkin'.
- How long have you been here? - 'Bout two and a half Buds.
Oh! You tell time by beer, too, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
If you know what day of the week it is by how much Kodiak is left in your tin, we might be soul mates.
So, you just gonna sit there, or will you buy me a half hour? My mom owns this place, so we drink for free.
Also, anything left in the lost and found for 30 days, it's mine.
Cool brag.
Is that how you got that shirt? Uh, no, I used to date a girl who works in the morgue.
Anytime a medium-sized guy died, she'd hook me up.
This guy went hunting, froze to death.
Another cool brag.
So, since you're obviously new to town, if you want, I can show you the sights.
We've got a town hall and a Dairy Queen, where, if you know who to ask, they'll sell you some firecrackers.
And you've already seen the number one tourist attraction in town.
My beard.
It is a pretty good beard.
I'll have to take a picture with it later.
Later? Well, this day's just got a lot better.
So, Megan, what brings you to Garrison? I've been protesting the pipeline.
- Seriously? - Yeah, and we actually stopped it.
You fucked up a lot of people's lives with that protest.
We stopped an oil company from fucking up the environment.
A lot of ranchers here were depending on that money.
It's our land.
You can't tell us what to do with it.
I can when it affects my planet.
I've heard guys talk about a hot chick who was too annoying to hook up with.
Never believed it until this minute.
I'm so disappointed.
I'll miss out on 90 seconds of passion and two weeks of antibiotics.
- You ride a bike? - I ride a Harley.
Fuck, we were soul mates.
You believe that shit? Look who wants to hang out now.
- You okay? - Yeah, I was just I'm fine.
You sure? Yeah, I was just thinking about the first day of school and Yeah, I get it.
I was thinking all night.
You were right.
I should've never gone behind my dad's back.
I kept hearing that voice in my head that makes me do stupid things.
"Colt, buy a ranch.
" - "Colt, frost your tips.
It'll look rad.
"Colt, of course you can ride down a double black diamond on a garbage lid.
" You would've been fine if there was snow on the ground.
You take chances.
That's what I love about you.
Maybe you should've - let the ranch go, but - [SCOFFS.]
you're in it now.
- You know you gotta go home, right? - I know.
All right.
You gonna come with me? Dad might not shoot me if you walk in the door first.
I'm not gonna be your human shield.
Yeah, well you're too short, anyway.
Thanks for being there for me.
You wanna talk about us? What? No.
I mean, we're good.
You got enough on your plate without worrying about anything else.
Thank you.
All right.
When will I see you again? What? This weekend.
It's Easter.
Ah, shit.
Your parents are coming for dinner.
- Yeah.
- Fuck, forgot I gave up cursing for Lent.
Starting now.
It's gonna be great.
Your parents hate you.
My parents aren't big fans.
It'll be more like the Last Supper.
- Didn't Jesus die after that? - Uh-huh.
I'm messing with you.
It'll be fine.
Hey, Ab? Yeah? If any of them kids give you trouble today, you send 'em my way.
I gave up swearing, not hitting children.
All right.
Colt, wait.
What? I love you.
I love you, too.
All right.
Son of a biscuit.
Mother frosted tips.
Maggie? - Mornin'.
- What are you doing here? Trying to figure out if this is coffee or motor oil.
If it's brown and hot, what more do you want? This isn't Europe.
So, I cleaned out all the water troughs, replaced the mineral blocks in the field.
Also, found a sick yearling, so I put her in the barn.
Rooster was being annoying, so I put him in there, too.
- You don't have to do this.
- Yeah, I do.
You can't work.
And you can't hire hands.
And your sons are idiots.
What choice do we have? - Maggie - No.
I'm not gonna sit back and watch this place die.
So, you'll break your back over a lost cause? You've spent your whole life here and I've spent most of mine.
I won't let you walk away.
We've been through blizzards, droughts, diseases.
Eight years of Bill Clinton.
See, you're a survivor.
Look, Beau just 'cause you don't see a way out of this, doesn't mean we stop trying to find one.
If we go down, it's not gonna be without a fight.
We're the fucking Bennetts.
I'll go with you.
You're not going anywhere.
You're still sitting on your ass.
Like Bill Clinton.
Thank you, Mags.
I'll be back at 11:00.
My lunch better be ready.
Your heart's recovering, not your hands.
This Beretta's sure got a little giddy-up to it.
Why are you selling it? What's gonna be left for the government to pry out of your cold, dead hands? I got no choice.
I'm selling everything that isn't bolted down.
I can't believe your boys went behind your back that way.
The same kids that, one Halloween, dressed up like little Beau Bennetts and wouldn't even take any candy.
They said it was a damn handout.
Same year they beat up a kid who was dressed like an astronaut.
Then they told him the space program is a waste of government resources.
I'm sorry about all this.
Yeah, hell.
I mean The last thing your heart needs is more stress.
My heart's fine.
I suppose I should thank you for being an annoying old fart, for pushing me to go get checked out.
Anytime that I can be annoying to you, it's a pleasure.
Then you must be living on fucking cloud nine.
How's the herd at the Peterson ranch? About what you'd expect for a man who's laid up with brain cancer.
Sure as hell don't look like your herd.
I appreciate you checking 'em out.
- What do I owe you? - Not a thing.
It's a new herd, so the first inspection's free.
Damn it, Dale.
I'm not a charity case.
Who said anything about charity? Friends help friends.
I mean, it's like that time in '95, when I jackknifed my horse trailer and you lent me yours until I could afford a new one.
Bad year.
You lost a Fifth Wheel Sundowner, and the Denver Broncos didn't even make the playoffs.
But whoopie! We got the Colorado Avalanche.
Because if there's one thing better than playoff football, it's regular-season hockey.
And I like it when they sing that "O Canada.
" Charlene can play that on the Casio.
You've annoyed me once again.
I appreciate it, Dale.
Next time you try to help me, I'll shoot you.
You and what guns, you broke old bastard? [COUNTRY SONG PLAYING OVER CAR STEREO.]
Sorry I'm late.
I had to go to Denver to see Abby.
Got here as fast as I could.
Don't drink the Gatorade in the truck.
Hey, they got a new Skoal.
Sour apple.
It tastes so good, I accidentally ate some.
Like Ma's pumpkin spice candle all over again.
Are you just not gonna say nothin'? Fuck you.
At least we're talking.
What's all this? I'm selling useless shit that don't work no more.
Why don't you hop in? Whoa, come on.
Oh! Man These are the Kitty Cats we rode as kids.
Remember, I'd ride around with a Mountain Dew in a brown paper bag and you'd act like a cop and pull me over? We were fortune-tellers on that one, huh? We done? I got shit to do.
All right.
I'm sorry.
What do you want me to do? Keep apologizing? Wanna hit me? You want me to drink that Gatorade bott [GROANS.]
Apology accepted.
You gotta let me flex, man.
Holy shoe.
You made me swallow my dip, you dillhole! [COLE GRUNTS.]
Oh, hey, Dad.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I I went to see Abby.
You weren't missed.
All right Well, I better go drain pus out of a cow's ear.
It'll be more fun than this.
Thanks for coming by, Dale.
About that shotgun.
This is bingo night at the VFW.
If I'm runnin' hot, I'll be your huckleberry.
Dad, wait.
Sorry about the Peterson ranch.
Should've listened to you.
I was stupid.
I was wrong.
Dad, we gotta talk this through.
Something else you're wrong about.
Hey, Hank.
Hey, Mom, can I get a beer? That must be nice.
I'm working two jobs, thanks to you, and you have time for a drink.
I came here to talk, all right? If I just wanted to drink, I'd do it in my truck, like normal.
Oh, good.
So that is normal.
What do you want? [SIGHS.]
Colt and I screwed up.
And I'm sorry.
I know I let you down.
Especially since I'm supposed to be the smart, good-looking, cool one.
I don't know.
We just got caught up in it.
It's like when you're binge-watching Fuller House.
You know it's a bad idea, but you get caught up in it.
You wanna find out how DJ gets out of that mess.
I don't know what to tell you.
Your apology means shit unless you change your behavior, and I see no evidence of that.
Every time I think about what you did, - I just - I know.
You're not mad, you're disappointed.
No, I wanna kill you in your sleep.
I always have your back.
But there's a breaking point, okay? Actions have fucking consequences.
Same thing Uncle Jesse told DJ.
Not in those exact words.
It's a family show.
How's this for a change? Let me come back and take over this place.
Let me be the one waking up at 4:00 at the ranch and working till 2:00 here.
So we're doing this? Sure.
What could go wrong? You're the smart one, right? This is great.
Our Easter tradition is eating TV dinners while we watch The Ten Commandments.
Chuck always times it so he peels back the plastic film off his cherry cobbler just as Moses parts the Red Sea.
Charlton Heston, that's who I wanna see rise from the dead.
I never liked Easter as a kid.
The Easter Bunny freaked me out.
He wore a vest and a tie, but no pants.
Then you have to sit on his lap and take a picture? Uh, no, thank you.
A vest and a tie and no pants? Sounds like Rooster at senior prom.
News anchors.
Coat and tie, no pants.
You can't see what's under those desks.
Is there more wine? Every Easter, Beau would tell the boys there were eggs hidden all over the property.
They'd spend hours moving hay bales, mowing pastures, pruning bushes Never found a single egg.
But their chores were done by church.
There were never any eggs? No, there was one.
It's still out there.
You should go look for it.
Colt, don't.
There's no egg.
Hey, y'all.
Sorry I'm late.
Phillips, you look lovely as always.
Chuck, you still owe me 50 bucks from fantasy football.
I was looking good until Aaron Rodgers turned into Colt Bennett.
You drafted a kicker in the third round, but, yeah, sure, pick on me.
Where were you? Over at the Petersons', trying to fix the well.
I think the pump is shot.
Boy, that Peterson ranch is the gift that keeps on giving.
What's that gonna cost me? I don't know.
Like, eight, nine hundred bucks? God damn it.
Beau, please.
It's fucking Easter.
I might have a used one at the shop.
I could give you that one.
Thank you.
Appreciate the offer, Chuck, but we'll figure something out.
Dad, what're you doing? He wants to give us one.
It's like when you go to Denny's and lie and tell 'em it's your birthday so you get a free Grand Slam.
- We need this.
- I said we're good.
Drop it.
I told you not to bring up anything about their troubles.
- [CHUCK.]
I didn't.
They did.
Now it's awkward for everyone.
- [COLT.]
He's offering to help.
Your dad said, "Drop it.
" - It's an insult to - [LOUDLY.]
I'm pregnant! You're pregnant? [LAUGHS.]
Excuse me.
I wanted to tell you earlier, but you had so much going on with the ranch and your family.
I didn't wanna add to the stress.
Are you kidding me? This is amazing.
Yeah, nothing like having a kid to solve all your problems.
Look, I know you wanted to wait until we had our lives together, but I'll never have my life together.
That doesn't make me feel better.
Are you Are you really not happy about this? You know I wanna have kids with you, but I thought we'd get married first.
You know, buy a house, get a cat, see if we can keep that alive first.
Hey, kids are way better than cats.
They scream so you know they're coming.
But cats? You wake up in the mornin', they're sitting on your chest, looking like they'll eat your face.
The girl that I've been in love with since I was 15 years old is pregnant with my baby.
This is amazing news.
How can we afford a kid? Last time you went to the ATM, they didn't have bills small enough for you to make a withdrawal.
If I got $12.
50 in my account, I should be able to take out $12.
How are we gonna do this? I mean I leave for Denver in an hour.
We live in different cities.
We won't be able to - We'll figure it out.
- How do you know? 'Cause we're Colt and Abby.
You are the only thing in my entire life that I've ever gotten right.
I ordered a baby blanket.
- You did? - Yeah, it was so cute.
It had these little polka-dotted elephants on it.
I mean I love polka-dotted elephants.
- We're gonna have a baby! - Fuck, yeah! Oh, wait.
Whoa, whoa! Frick, yeah.
It's Easter.
I can swear again.

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