The Ranch (2016) s03e07 Episode Script

Telling Me Lies

Morning, Mr.
Good morning, Mrs.
Good morning, other Mr.
Good morning.
I always knew you'd wake up next to me after your wedding night.
Well, the morning sickness is back.
You wouldn't be the first person to wake up next to Rooster and throw up.
How'd the newlyweds sleep? I always dreamed, on my wedding night, I'd be lulled to sleep by crashing waves on an exotic island.
But Dale's sleep apnea machine was surprisingly soothing.
I can't believe we're married.
If you divorce me, I get half your stuff.
It is all there in that duffel bag, so have at it.
Can I get everyone's attention? Highway 145 is open.
The fire's been contained there.
If you live north of there, it's safe to go home.
Thank God.
- About time.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
First time I've been in school for three consecutive days.
Please go through your spaces.
Make sure you don't leave anything behind.
And if anybody sees a car key that says "Garrison Police," please let me know.
All right.
Let's go see if the house burned down.
Now I know how you guys felt every time you left us home alone.
It's gonna be fine.
And if it did burn down, then Dad won't be able to say, "My roof, my rules.
" My rubble, my rules.
Pull the truck around.
We can load it.
You got it.
So it starts.
- Punch him, Colt.
- You got it.
I'd hit you in the balls, but those are gone.
All right.
Take this.
Part of me doesn't wanna leave.
As long as we're here, there's a chance the ranch is okay.
Either there's no house or we go back to the way things were.
I'm not sure which is scarier.
You got a second? Oh.
You know what? I actually almost forgot.
I didn't bring it up before because of the fire and all, but someone stole a generator from Neumann's Hill.
Well, hope they catch them bastards.
There's security footage of your Bronco there that night.
Wasn't us.
Must've been somebody else's Bronco.
I sold it to you.
The bumper's bent from when I took you wheelchair skiing.
We didn't steal a generator.
I know it was one of you.
Y'all are my best friends.
I'll do what I can to cover for you, but I'm not losing my job.
- We didn't take it, Pong.
- Nope.
But we did take these.
Damn! Thanks for coverin'.
No, fuck you.
I knew this was gonna come back and haunt us.
Hey, hey, you heard Billy, dude, we're fine.
The only reason you're not in jail now is 'cause Billy's a good friend and a dishonest cop.
That generator might be the difference between our ranch burnin' down and not.
I knew the risks.
I made the choice.
It was the right one.
What if somebody else saw the Bronco? They didn't.
I'm a fuckin' ninja.
If I'm goin' down because of you, it better be for something awesome.
Like kidnapping John Elway and making him tell us stories.
We're pretty fortunate.
Beau, this house is like you.
It's old, it's creaky, but it just won't die.
Yeah, it probably yelled at the fire, "Get off my property!" It's hard to believe it's still here after the devastation we saw on the way over.
- Yeah.
Those firefighters saved our asses.
- Yep.
They're amazing.
So brave.
We should find a way to show our gratitude.
I wonder if they have any burns I can rub aloe on.
I've been thinking about becoming a reserve firefighter.
You boys worked hard too.
Hadn't been for that generator running those Rain Birds, we might've had a whole different scenario.
Hear that? The generator saved our asses.
And Daddy loves me more than you.
Well, I can't believe you got her up and running.
I wish I had a camera, so I had some video of you fixin' it.
Well, you wouldn't want cameras out here.
There'd be a lot of footage of Abby sneaking over to my cabin.
I wanna get out and see how we fared.
We're in better shape than I thought we'd be.
Probably get it up and running just in time for me to die.
- We should check on the Petersons.
- Good call.
- I'm gonna head to the bar.
- We should all head over to the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Dad, look at you.
Look at me.
Look at this Muppet.
There's nothing left.
I mean, I guess the fireplace, but I don't think anybody's gonna want a fire anytime soon.
I don't know where to start.
This was gonna be our home.
What about Peterson? We told him he could live here till he died.
He's halfway around the world.
All his stuff's gone.
We have insurance, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
The assholes at the bank forced us to get it.
I know this is a setback.
But we've had a million of 'em, and we always overcome 'em, okay? We are gonna be fine.
At least we can rebuild.
A lot of people were wiped out.
I'm gonna be in Denver, teaching.
So we just need you to build an entire home by the time I get back here on maternity leave.
You got three months.
Well, I guess we can rebuild exactly what we want, right? Which means We are not building a living room floor out of bouncy house material.
I don't know how long it will take to get the insurance money.
We don't even know how much damage there is.
- What about the money my dad offered? - I don't want his money.
Why not? It could get the ranch back on its feet and help us rebuild.
Mama needs a Jacuzzi with her five o'clock wine.
Your dad and I are finally getting along.
Money's just gonna fuck that up.
He wouldn't have offered if he didn't want to.
We're not taking his money.
- You're being unreasonable.
- We don't need him.
For example, the Jacuzzi.
All we need is a horse trough and an outboard motor.
You're welcome.
- How's everything look? - Well, pretty good for the most part.
The only spot that don't is where you're standing.
Peterson's house and pasture's torched.
- Christ.
- Fuck.
Peterson gets cancer and his house burns down.
I think God hates him more than I do.
At least his herd got away from the fire when that wind shifted.
Thanks to you for pulling that fence.
- Which means I owe you an apology for - I accept.
Sorry, you weren't done? Keep going.
I'm done.
Nicest thing you've ever said to me.
"I want to apologize for " Is that a Neumann's Hill truck? What the hell are they doing here? Probably here for that generator.
You put it in the shed? No, but you're about to help me do it.
Daddy, I was talking to Colt about all the work he did today, and it's all wrong, so I'm gonna go fix it.
Makes sense.
Can I help you? I hope so.
Are you Beau Bennett? Probably should start with who you are and why you're on my property.
Yep, you're Beau Bennett.
I'm Lisa Neumann.
I know who you are.
You're the owner of Neumann's Hill.
I've taken your name in vain quite a bit.
How can I help you? Well, I need a favor.
Three of my ranches got hit by the fire.
I've got nowhere to run the cattle.
If they don't eat, they die.
I wanna kill 'em, but not until they're nice and fat.
Neumann's Hill wants to graze their cattle on my land? You look like I just asked you to vote Democrat.
I know you're not a fan of ours.
I like you just fine, for someone who's taken advantage of a lot of my friends.
Have you talked to your friends? Of course not.
That's why they're still friends.
Everyone I've done business with is happy.
And yes, we're a big corporation, but we make fair deals and everyone benefits.
Especially you.
I don't think your argument is with me.
Your argument is with the way the world works.
I can't argue with that.
We'll pay you a better-than-fair price.
And we'll provide feed and labor to take care of them.
I just need a place to put 'em until we can get them to market.
How many cows are we talking about? As many as you can handle.
Look, we had to cut fences, I got my own cows to gather.
We can help you with that.
Now your herd comes first.
I'll tell you what.
Stop by tomorrow and I'll give you my answer.
If you're holding a shotgun, I'll assume it's a no.
- I'll see you then.
- Bye.
I know you think you're dealing with the devil, but I grew up on my family ranch just like you did.
And I saw an opportunity to buy the land next door and then the ranch next to that, and it took off from there.
We're a lot alike.
The only difference is when I get mad at the Broncos, I don't yell at the TV.
I call the owner and yell at him.
Tell him to get a fucking quarterback.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
What did that Neumann's Hill lady want? They got hit hard by the fire.
They wanna pay us to put some of their cattle on our land.
That's it? Well, fuck that.
On to more important business, like what are we drinking? I told her I'd think about it.
- What? - What? Why would you tell her that? Was she hot? The truth is we got room.
I think we can help them out before their grass comes back.
I like it.
Whatever they're offerin', tell 'em it's double.
They can afford it.
You saw her truck.
She's got windshield wipers on both sides.
Ain't no amount of money worth bailing out Neumann's Hill.
They're trying to take advantage 'cause we got a pasture and they don't.
That's exactly why we should gouge 'em for every penny we can get.
It's our chance to fuck them.
Their cows don't eat, they don't get to market.
And you didn't say whether or not she was hot.
We can't pass up this money.
It could help us get to market.
We'll get to market.
There's no reason to throw Neumann's Hill a lifeline.
All right, that's enough.
You both make good points.
I'll consider your opinions and I'll do whatever the fuck I want.
Hey, Mom.
One of your boxes was in the Bronco.
I put two boxes out there.
Well, a lot of people suffered losses in the fire.
Let's focus on what we do have.
Which is a box of shit that I don't drink.
Finish this up.
I'm gonna get some more.
I have to do inventory, so don't drink anything.
Yeah, okay.
Excuse me.
Hey, is Maggie Bennett here? Mmm.
Yeah, she's in the back.
It's my turn to ask a question.
I got a Van Halen and a Waylon Jennings shirt.
Which do you want to sleep in tonight? Well, it does look like you wear a women's medium.
Sizing me up already.
Yeah, medium-sized shirt, extra-large jeans.
Guessin' you could figure out why.
Because Goodwill didn't have extra small? So the dance begins.
What the fuck are you doing here? Hey, Maggie.
That's a better greeting than I got from this creep.
This creep is your nephew.
"Nephew"? Holy shit.
Are you Aunt Karen? And that's Jameson? Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you since you were a little baby.
Grew up to be pretty hot, huh? Why am I still hitting on you? What do you want? You haven't returned any of my messages and we need to talk.
- It's important.
- Yeah, it's always important.
And it usually ends with me giving you a bottle of clean urine.
This time is different.
I only need to talk to you for a bit.
Although, if you do have a bottle of clean urine Well, it's always good to have one.
I got a guy.
Whatever brought you here, I can't help you.
- Maggie, come on.
- No, I'm done.
I have cancer and the doctors say it doesn't look good.
Sorry, I get updates.
Rockies just won on a walk off.
You know what? Not important.
Okay, so you got cancer.
It don't look good.
Go ahead.
So, can we talk? I'm sorry for what you're going through, but the answer's still no.
All right.
Well, if you change your mind, I'll be over at the Marriott in Grand Junction for a few days.
So you have my number.
Just don't give it to him.
Jesus, Mom.
That was harsh.
She really that bad? When my dad was dying, she went to the bank, cleaned out his account and ran off to Pensacola with a drummer.
We couldn't even pay for my dad's hospice care.
So, is that it? You're just gonna tell her to fuck off? I don't owe her anything.
And she's a shitty sister.
Well Thank God I don't got a shitty brother who disappears whenever he wants, only comes back when he needs something.
'Cause I would say, "I don't owe him nothing.
" But my mom would say, "You're being an asshole.
He's your brother.
Work it out.
" What the fuck do I know? - Animal Farm.
- Mmm.
What's that about? Well, it's an allegorical critique of Stalinism using farm animals.
All right.
Well, there's a pig named Snowball.
It's kinda like Babe Goes to Russia.
Yeah, I could just see him with one of them big furry hats on, sipping vodka.
"That will do, pig.
" Oh.
- That's your pops.
- Yeah.
Hey! Hey.
What are you doing here? Did you take money from my wife without telling me? Did I take money from your wife without telling you? Did you? Holy shit, Colt.
Did you? Did I? He did, Abby.
Right after I told him I wouldn't give him money.
She invested in the ranch and told me to keep it a secret.
I'll pay her back as soon as the cattle go to market.
Why did you try to get more money out of me? Why did I try to get more money out of you? For real.
I don't know what's going on.
Abby showed up this morning, said you wanted a loan.
- I told you I didn't want his money.
- Colt didn't know.
I didn't know.
Stop repeating everything.
I was against this from the beginning, but I gave you another chance because Abby asked me to.
I am done giving you chances.
Come on.
Don't defend him.
He'll never change.
But Jesus.
Why did you ask your dad for money when I told you I didn't want it? 'Cause I didn't know you'd been lying for four months.
I either lie to you or lie to your mom.
Lie to my mom! I do it all the time.
She thinks we didn't have sex until we got married.
You're five months pregnant.
Yeah, I'm a good liar.
She told me not to tell anyone.
I'm not anyone, I'm your wife.
You don't lie to me, I don't lie to you.
You lied to me about asking your dad for money.
That wasn't a lie.
That was me going behind your back.
Okay, okay.
I'm no Alfred E.
Einstein or nothing, but that seems like the same thing.
We've been married for 24 hours and we're already keeping secrets.
- You think I like it? - Then don't lie to me! Don't lie to me! - I won't! - Okay! - Okay! - All right! - All right! - I'm sorry! - Me too! Why are we still yelling? - I don't know! I wasn't trying to hurt anyone.
I know.
We just gotta be honest with each other.
You're right.
From now on, it's total honesty.
- All right, now, with that in mind - Hmm.
Did you hook up with Rooster all them years I was gone? Did I hook up with Rooster all them years you were gone? - Did you? - Did I? All right.
You're fucking with me, right? I'm fucking with you.
Right? Hey.
Thanks for calling me.
This is pretty sweet.
If you get stopped for a DUI, you could pull over and say you live here.
Come on.
Let's cut to the chase.
How much will it take to make you leave? I don't want money.
Really? Because the last time you had "cancer," the whole family gave you every penny we had.
Turns out the cure for breast cancer is on a beach in Ibiza.
To be fair, in Ibiza, you get your breasts examined a lot.
Yeah, fake cancer is very funny.
Not as funny as real cancer.
Do you know how mad it makes me that you actually might be sick and I can't feel bad because I don't trust you? All I can say is I'm sorry and that I am not lying about having cancer this time.
Look, I know our relationship is fucked.
But don't you wanna fix it? Honestly, no.
Until you showed up, I hadn't thought about you at all.
'Cause I have no regrets.
If you have some, that's your responsibility to fix it.
All right.
Then I guess I'm asking for a favor.
Don't you wanna do crazy stuff like we used to? We'll Thelma and Louise it.
We'll blow up some redneck trucker's rig and I'll have sex with Brad Pitt.
Of course you get Brad Pitt.
What do you want me to say? That I forgive you? Fine.
I forgive you.
But that's all you're getting.
Not every relationship should be fixed.
I mean, it's like Taylor Swift and anybody.
Maggie I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but you're my sister.
You are the only family that I have left.
Come on, Karen.
If our relationship mattered to you, you'd have shown up long ago.
All right, all right.
Well, um, thanks for hearing me out.
I won't bother you again.
Oh, Karen, wait.
Mom's chicken soup.
She'd be pissed if I didn't feed you.
Thank you.
You're not getting a hug if that's what you're waiting for.
Actually, I was waiting for a spoon.
Hey, what's all this? Salvaged some wood from Peterson's barn.
We can use it to rebuild the shed.
Good idea.
Well, what can I say? I saw a problem and I solved it.
You got the wood from Peterson's I asked you to get.
He's old.
I'll let him have it.
Lookee there.
The Neumann's Hill lady's back.
How you wanna play this, Daddy? Good rancher, bad rancher? Yeah, you be bad rancher.
Think you can manage that? Hey, Beau.
Lisa Neumann, my sons, Colt and Rooster.
Nice to meet you, Colt.
Rooster, you used to run one of my ranches for a bit.
It's nice to finally put a face to the ass that used to moon our security cameras.
Well, I was told when I was hired, I could do whatever I want during my lunch break.
So, Beau, you had a chance to consider my proposal? I have.
We'll take your cattle.
- What? - Yeah.
That is great news.
Thank you.
Why don't we work out the finances over a glass of whiskey? I negotiate better when the other person is drunk.
That's how I got Rooster so cheap.
There's no need to negotiate.
All I need is enough to cover our expenses.
Uh Dad? He's old.
So, our expenses are gonna be, roughly double whatever you think they are.
Look, I'm not looking to profit off this wildfire.
Big corporate outfit or no, you're a rancher.
At the end of the day, we take care of our own.
Well Well, thank you.
I hope someday I can return the favor.
Thank you.
Any chance you can send me that footage of me mooning you? Some of the dating apps let you post video now.
Hey, Beau, thanks again.
You're a good man.
And your two sons are You're a good man.
- All right.
What's the real plan? - You just heard it.
Dad, I get you're trying to be honorable, okay? But these are not honorable people.
Neumann's Hill is out to screw you any way they can.
I know these kind of people.
Because I am these kind of people.
- We need this money, Dad.
- Stop.
Hard times aren't gonna change the way we run this ranch.
Dude, what the hell was that? I don't know.
Instead of fucking Neumann's Hill, we're fucking ourselves.
No kidding.
Neumann's Hill should not be on our property.
They're gonna be.
So we gotta get rid of this generator.
She did not come here for that.
- We are in the clear.
- "In the clear"? Billy said they got video of the Bronco.
The only video she's got is of my ass.
It's clear she liked it.
It served its purpose.
It got us through the fire.
Kept the sprinklers going.
Now it's time to ditch it.
Like you ditched that Red Lobster waitress after all-you-can-eat-shrimp month.
Dude, chill out.
It's over.
Okay? And I didn't ditch Sarah.
I'm not a monster.
We broke up after her husband came out of that coma.
Want some company? Sorry, stupid question.
I'm coming in anyway.
The boys fuck something up? Sorry, stupid question.
What did the boys fuck up? No, I've been with my sister.
Rooster said she was in town.
Did he say she has cancer? They didn't get all the fake cancer the first time? She wants me to come with her to Florida.
Every time I open myself up to her, I get burned.
You believe her this time? 'Cause the last time this happened, we emptied out Rooster's college fund to help her.
Though I'm not sure why we had that fund to begin with.
Not a lot of Roosters at Stanford.
Thing is, I kinda do believe her.
I mean, she didn't ask for anything.
Of course, she didn't return that fucking spoon either.
If it's true, I hope she beats it.
But your sister doesn't ask for things, she just takes.
Don't feel guilty for not going with her.
You're right, Beau.
You feel guilty, don't you? Not yet.
But worst case scenario, if she's dead in six months and I don't go on this trip, I'm gonna feel guilty then.
I think I'm gonna go.
You're a good sister.
It's like I was telling the boys earlier today, "In times of need, you gotta help out your own.
" Hey, Mom.
Dad, can you help me with this wood? I'm talking to your mother.
Do it the fuck yourself.
Hey, Bennett.
What are you doing?
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