The Ranch (2016) s03e14 Episode Script

Changes Comin' On

1 Hey, babe.
I thought you were supposed to be home like an hour ago.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I was disking up the field, and the steering wheel just snapped off the tractor.
I had to finish it up and steer it with a wrench.
Long story short, we got a bunch of fence we gotta replace.
Oh, did we have a cat? What? No.
All right, good, we still don't.
What are you doin'? I'm just making a list of all the things we need to do before the baby comes.
- Ah! - Mm-hm.
It's color-coded.
- With flow charts? - Yep.
All right, but just add to the list, "Stop being so anal.
" But right underneath, "Keep being so pretty.
" I'll just file both of those under "Find a new husband.
" Oh! Oh my God.
The baby's gonna be here in a month and we have so much to do.
I still have to write thank-you notes for my baby shower, you have to build furniture for the nursery, and I still have to learn how to play the piano, so we can teach the baby how to play piano.
Piano? We havin' a baby or we havin' a nerd? Look, I'll get the baby furniture built, right after I fix the tractor, finish framin' up the house, get the whole herd to market, by myself.
Is cocaine still a thing? How are we gonna do all this? I'm tellin' you.
No! No.
I'll tick one thing off your list.
On the way back from the feed store I stopped by and got some samples for the kitchen.
Oh Woah Oo.
They're all white.
Are they? Or is this one off-white? This one [IN SILLY ACCENT.]
This one's bone.
It's not as cool as you think.
I already asked, it's not made outta real bone.
I guess I thought we would go with something a little bit more colorful.
I don't know.
Okay, well, what about [COLOMBIAN ACCENT.]
cocaine? I'll stop by and get some more samples tomorrow.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I'll just I'll squeeze it in after the doctor and before I pick up the flashcards to teach the baby Mandarin.
Oh my God, our little girl's gonna get teased like crazy.
Yeah, by me.
I'm gonna give her lunch money and just take it away from her.
What the hell? - [COLT.]
Beau! - [ABBY.]
Hey! - [ABBY.]
Oh, my God! - Shit! - [COLT.]
All right.
- Stay back.
Go get the fire extinguisher.
I got it! What the fuck?! Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys Well truck went before you did.
That was a coin flip.
The engine is shot.
I s'pose the saving grace is that Joanne's not here to remind me that "Ford" stands for "fix or repair daily.
" How much is a new engine? Probably get a mechanic to toss one in for two grand.
I'm sorry.
Well, if you want, you could borrow my Subaru.
I'd rather push this anywhere I need to go.
I'm already behind in the cullin', haven't finish the goddamn vaccinations.
Now I gotta fix this piece of shit.
I don't know how I'm gonna make it to market.
How long can you keep this up? Whaddya mean? Well, your father worked himself to death.
You're only a few months out from a heart attack.
Now with Rooster gone, you run this ranch on your own.
Well, with the help of your ex-wife and a current girlfriend.
God, if someone took a picture of us working here it'd be like what they show old people and say, "See? You can still do stuff.
" Whaddya want me to say, Maggie? Am I tired? Hell, yes, I'm tired.
Half the time I don't feel like doin' anything.
They oughta make me an honorary Democrat.
Do you even like ranching anymore? I like it less than Reagan and more than Canadian bacon.
You don't get to rename American ham and call it your fuckin' own.
Have to admit I been thinkin' a lot lately about what life would be like if I slowed down a little bit.
Well maybe it's time to make a change.
Not that easy.
It is if you want it to be, Beau.
What am I supposed to do? Retire and leave it all to Colt? He got his hands full with the Peterson Ranch.
This mornin' I saw him steerin' a tractor with a fuckin' wrench.
I'll get through it.
I always do.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Painting a dresser? You just asked a rhetorical question, Colt.
You're coming along nicely.
Really? Did I? - Am I still doin' it? - [CHUCKLES.]
I was comin' outta the doctor's office and I saw this in the alley behind the furniture store on Walnut.
I think I might have stolen this.
I see.
Did you unload this thing by yourself? That's not a rhetorical question.
Or was it? I don't fuckin' know.
Yeah, and then I just dragged it over here.
Babe, come on, there's rules for pregnant ladies.
You can't move furniture, and you can't ride Dumbo at Disneyland.
Not that I'd know, 'cause my dad never took me.
He used to spray us down with the hose and be like, "There's Splash Mountain.
" It's not a big deal.
We needed a dresser, so I got one.
Maybe illegally, but with a fresh coat of paint, who's gonna fuckin' know? I told you I was gonna build the dresser.
I'm just tryin' to check things off the list.
I don't want you doin' 'em.
Why? 'Cause you have this old-fashioned notion that pregnant women can't do anything? Yeah, we won't have any baby furniture.
The baby can sleep in a laundry basket.
Oh, okay.
Right, so I'm the bad guy because I don't want my pregnant wife moving furniture, is that it? And by the way, for the first five years of my life my car seat was a laundry basket.
And I'm fine.
You know we're having a baby in a month? Yeah, I know.
By the way, I'm running our Facebook pregnancy page.
And if you could "like" it, that'd be great.
All right, look.
I know we got a lot to do.
Don't worry.
I'm on it.
Really? The night I told you I was pregnant, you told me you were gonna build a crib and all the baby furniture, and here we are, eight months later and the list keeps getting longer and nothing's gettin' done.
- Nothing's gettin' done? - No.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just I've been a little bit busy.
I'm out buildin' a house.
And runnin' a ranch.
I gotta get cattle to market, and don't even ask me what happened in the last four NCISs 'cause I got no fuckin' idea.
Oh, I'm sorry you're missing all your TV shows.
I am growing a person.
Sorry, I'm doin' everything I can.
On top of everything else, yesterday I drove all the way to Grand Junction to pick up a car seat that you wanted.
And oh, by the way, the only parking spots they had were for expecting mothers.
I didn't know if I could park there.
I did.
You can't.
So, now I've got a dent in the side of my Bronco.
And I don't even think that woman was pregnant.
I think she's just fat.
Why would you pick up a car seat? We don't need that for a month.
It was on the list.
It was green.
"Green" means we can wait on it.
That don't even make any sense.
Green don't mean "wait.
" Green means "go.
" You told me to pick up a car seat so I picked up a car seat.
Now you gonna yell at me because I picked up a car seat and I'm not building a crib? I can't even I can't fuckin' win.
It's not about winning or losing, okay? It's about gettin' this shit done.
We're havin' a baby whether we're ready or not, okay? Colt, this is not like that trip to Denver when I had that Big Gulp, okay? I can't just cross my legs and hope it goes away.
You know what? I'll get it done, okay? I'll build the crib tonight! I don't care what color code it is.
It's red 'cause it's important.
"Red" means stop! All right.
That should fix it.
I'm gonna test one out just to make sure.
It's still warm.
Try another one in five minutes.
I know you're slammed.
Thanks for taking the time, coming over here.
How's Abby feeling? [LAUGHS.]
She's pretty much constantly pissed at me.
But she's got this laundry list of things we've gotta get done before the baby comes.
It's like a mile long.
I'm working from sunup to sundown, and I get home and the only thing we do is fight about what I haven't gotten done.
Mom, I'm getting paint chips, I'm going to birthing class.
She made me go out and buy these things called "nipple shields.
" I mean, that literally stands against everything I believe in in life.
So, the way I'm hearing this is she's doing everything wrong and you're doing everything right? See? You get it.
Y'know, Colt, you got a choice.
You can be right or you can be happy.
'Cause none of this little shit matters.
The only thing that baby really needs is parents who love each other.
I think we're both just overwhelmed.
I can't wait for this baby to be born so everything just calms down.
Yeah, 'cause that's how it works with kids.
Y'know, when I was pregnant with Rooster your father surprised me with a weekend at Copper Mountain.
We didn't ski.
I couldn't 'cause of the baby and he didn't ski because he thought it was too European.
But we just rode the ski lifts, y'know, and drank hot cocoa, sat by the fire.
And it reminded us why we wanted to have kids together in the first place.
And then he said he didn't like the sound of ski pants rubbing together so we had to go, but Yeah.
Every time I wear corduroys around the house, I gotta walk around with my legs like I wish I could do something like that.
We just don't have the time.
Well, if you're worried about the ranch, I could cover for you.
Y'know, this may be your last chance to have fun together as a couple for, like, the next 18 years.
I thought having kids was supposed to be, like, the most magical time of your life.
Oh, please, that's just some bullshit parents with kids tell you so that you'll be as miserable as they are.
- Hey, Maria.
- Hey, Mary.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
My grandson ate too many powdered doughnuts.
I don't know what hell is like but it cannot be worse than cleaning vomit out of the center console of a Ford Taurus.
No, it could be worse.
They could be 34 and throw up Jägermeister on your new Subaru.
I said I was sorry.
Y'know, Mary, I've been looking over these books and it just doesn't add up.
I mean, I don't know if the inventory is off or we're missing receipts, but we're short like $50 a day.
Well, shit, I'm sorry.
I thought I was doing the books right.
Maybe I screwed something up.
All right, let me take a look.
Okay, you got er 89, 99 ten-dee-nine.
Yeah, it checks out.
That's $50 a day.
Let me look at it.
I'll figure it out.
I don't mind, I'll do it.
No, I got it.
You got too much on your mind, anyway.
If we're still short, I'll start adding more water to the whiskey.
No, Mary, don't do that.
People can tell the difference.
You gotta add it to the vodka.
That's why we practice.
You're gonna be a great father, Colt.
Is your dad around? I think he's inside.
But, hey, before you talk to him, I had a little favor I wanted to ask you.
God, I wish your dad would pick up his cell phone.
I know, right? I'm sorry, I I know you got connections with the Broncos.
So, I was hopin' that maybe you could get me a deal on a couple tickets for my wife and I.
My pregnant wife.
You wanna see the sonogram? We was thinkin' about namin' her "Lisa.
" Y'know like your name? Yeah, I got it.
Okay, how about this? Neumann still has a suite.
I'm sure I can get you a couple extra tickets.
That's amazing.
But I insist you let me pay.
They're $1,100 apiece.
Oh! Er Well y'know eh I wouldn't wanna offend you by spoiling your generosity with money.
Just come by the office tomorrow, you can pick up your tickets.
Yeah, cool.
- Hey, Lisa.
- Hey, Beau.
- Thought that was you.
I stopped by to let you know that my vets are gonna be doing immunizations tomorrow, so, if you see some new faces, they're my guys.
You can shoot 'em but don't shoot to kill.
All right, I'll just make 'em dance a little.
While I got you here, I need to ask you for a favor.
What? Dad, come on! She's done more than enough for this family already.
Come sit.
So, what can I do for you? Well, I hate to ask, but my truck is outta commission for a bit.
Any chance I could rent one of yours until mine is up and runnin' again? Are you kidding? If I could take a picture of Beau Bennett, in a truck with a Neumann's Hill logo on it, I'd pay you to use it.
I'd rather drive my ex-wife's Subaru.
All right, it's not a problem.
Look, I know that with Colt working over at the Peterson ranch you're stretched a little thin.
Is there anything else I can do to help you? Sure, you can send your men and trucks over, load up my cows, haul 'em to market, bring me back a check while I sit here and pop the cork on a bottle of "peanut newer.
" I can do that.
That was a joke.
You can tell because I was drinking wine in it.
I'm serious.
You took in my herd without asking anything in return.
And besides, it's not much extra work.
My cows are all here anyway.
I appreciate the offer, Lisa.
There's no trick here, Beau.
I am happy to guarantee today's market price.
I'll even throw in a bottle of peanut newer.
I appreciate the offer, Lisa.
You just said that.
I know.
I'm trying to avoid telling you to get the fuck off my property.
If you'd pick up your fuckin' phone, I wouldn't have to be here in the first place.
All right.
Can't let Drake near the baby.
Abby said the same thing about you.
I had an interesting conversation with Lisa Neumann.
- Yeah? - She wants to buy all our cows, right now.
And do all the work to get them to market.
After that offer, I bet she looked like my doll.
It's actually a pretty good deal.
She's guaranteeing market price.
Market price today.
But when the market goes up, she gets all the extra money.
- And if it goes down, she takes the hit.
- Yeah.
I know how the market works, Dad.
Just got back from Mom's bar, helping her balance all her books.
I think you should take it.
Why? You got a baby on the way, trying to rebuild your house.
Be one less thing on your plate.
Are you takin'? This isn't about what I'm doin'.
That's a "no.
" But you think I should.
What, because you're a better rancher than me? That's not what I'm sayin'.
You are a good rancher.
I just think this'll help you out.
This is unbelievable.
You give me a ranch and after all the work I've done you still don't believe in me.
- Hey, Mary.
- Oh, hey.
Want a beer? I'd join you, but my boss just walked in.
Nah, I'm good.
I'm sorry I stranded you all day.
I helped Colt frame the living room, helped Beau with his immunizations, and then had to talk Abby off the ledge after they showed her some videos in her birthing class.
After that I don't think she's going for the whole drug-free delivery thing.
You should tell Abby if she needs any extra toys, I got tons.
The secret is, you go for the ones that have been recalled.
One dumb kid chokes on a plane propeller and boom, Christmas is covered.
Colt was one of those kids.
Didn't help that Rooster convinced him to eat all the parts of Operation so they could do it for real.
Listen, I'm glad you're here.
I figured out why the books are off.
Wow, that was fast.
Hey, I got really high last night.
When I woke up this morning my remote was in the microwave.
Can you figure that one out? You like popcorn? Holy shit! - So, was it inventory or ? - No.
I got back from lunch and I noticed there was money missing from the register.
Maria was the only one here, so I asked her and she got real defensive and then we got into it and she quit.
Maria? Are you sure? No.
I mean, I know, I was shocked, too.
But I I mean, I guess you never really know about people, y'know? I used to have this little old lady who lived next to me, Dorothy Granville.
She was always working in her garden and giving everybody vegetables.
Well, it turns out she was hiding her husband's body in that garden.
God, gorgeous tomatoes, though.
Just can't believe it's Maria.
I know.
And I'm sorry I didn't catch it before, I just Well, that's all right.
I mean, everybody misses stuff.
Once, I wasn't paying attention and I locked a customer inside the bar.
Best night of my life.
Okay, all right, don't worry.
We are not gonna be short-handed, all right? I'll get Heather and Darlene to help out.
I mean, Heather can use the money for school and Darlene It'd just be nice to give her a job where she's not paid in singles.
Well, thanks for dealing with everything.
Come on, don't thank me.
It's the least I can do.
You trusted me to run this place and I let you down.
I don't have to tell you this, but ever since Rooster, it's just been really hard.
Well, I don't know if you're interested in this sort of thing, but I joined a grief support group last week and it's really helping.
Hmm, honestly, if I'm gonna sit around in a circle with a bunch of people they better be passing a joint.
We did that afterwards in the parking lot, but people coming out of the AA meeting next door, they did not like it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I got the nails you wanted.
Oh, thank you.
How'd you go through the first ones so fast? I saw a spider, unloaded the nail gun on it.
- Did you get it? - No.
But that first stair ain't ever gonna move.
- Hey I wanted to show you something.
Ta-da! - Is it under that pile of wood? - No, it's the crib.
I got plans and I cut it and I measured it Oh shit, spider! - [NAIL GUN WHIRS.]
- Back up.
Back it up.
Thanks, babe.
Hey er Sorry I didn't get the crib built.
Sorry I got so defensive earlier.
It's I hate it when I feel like I'm not takin' care of you.
What?! You never make me feel like that.
You always take care of me.
Listen, I am sorry for putting added pressure on you.
I know you're bustin' your ass.
Just wish I could do more.
I wish I was the one who was pregnant.
That's sweet, but frankly, you couldn't handle it.
What? I totally could.
Colt, come on.
Last week you ate too many hot wings, you were rolling on the floor, and you got me to Google how to make a will.
Those were three out of five peppers on the chili meter.
Three out of ten, okay? The next level up was mild.
I just I don't know, with everythin' goin' on all the stress I don't want us to lose sight of what's important.
All this baby needs is two parents that love each other.
Oh! That's very insightful.
When did you talk to your mom? When I told her all this baby needs is two parents who love each other.
No, hey, hold on.
Check this out.
Y'know, we never had a honeymoon, so I was thinking Are these Bronco tickets for the season opener? No, these ain't just tickets, babe, that's the luxury box! - Oh my God! I can't believe it! - What? This is amazing.
What ? I can't Wait a second, are these Photoshopped? - No.
- No, 'cause the last time you did that, okay, security caught us and then we ended up watching the game at Best Buy.
They're real.
You know all them times we watched them rich assholes up there, swishing their wine, not even watching the game? That's gonna be us! Oh, I can't wait! Did you hear that, sweetie? Your parents are rich assholes.
- We're rich, yes.
- Assholes.
Thank you.
All right, Hank, it's closing time.
Where are your keys? I'm fuckin' with you.
Here they are.
Hank, you forgot your beer.
Oh, thanks.
Drive safe.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, so I might be a little late.
Okay, I'll cover for you, Hank.
Opening day is the best, full of hope.
Broncos haven't fucked up yet.
I hope Colt and Abby have fun.
I would trade all of Colt's happiness for the rest of his life for us to win today.
I'm a little bitter I didn't get that suite.
- Wait, they're in a suite? - Yeah.
Fuck them.
Nah, I hope they have a good time.
I mean, they have no idea what they're in for once this baby comes.
I remember my last week of boot camp.
We only got three hours sleep a night.
It was a cakewalk compared to life with a newborn.
Yeah, when one of 'em would cry you'd yell, "At ease!" Well, they could salute before they could walk, so no apologies.
I wish Colt would let Lisa Neumann help him out.
How can she help him? She offered to write us a check, right now for whatever cows we wanted to sell and then get 'em to market.
I thought Colt should take it, but he won't even consider it.
Y'know, it's a good deal but he's being completely unreasonable.
Don't open those pretzels before the kickoff.
You'll jinx the whole season.
If it's such a good deal, why don't you take it? Why should I take it? You said you wanted to slow down.
Here's your chance.
In 50 years, I've never let someone else take over my cattle.
Well, you should at least consider the deal.
First time you saw Blue Bloods, you said, "What's Magnum PI doing dressed up as a cop?" And now, nobody's allowed to talk to you from 10 to 11 on Fridays.
The day I stop ranchin' will probably be the day that I die.
Well, you put ranchin' before being a husband and a father.
You gonna put it before being a grandfather? I'd like to put this football game before this conversation.
Just think about it.
I don't know.
- Maybe.
Good enough.
The last thing I'm gonna say is, it's a chance to do things different this time.
Besides, it'll be fun to spoil the shit out of this kid and then make Colt deal with it.
I'm gonna take the kid to Disneyland and not invite Colt.
This is amazing! - Cool! I mean, the drinks, the food, there's TVs everywhere.
It's like that time we got all the free food at Buffalo Wild Wings 'cause I found a cricket in my ranch dressing.
You didn't want me to smuggle that little guy in there.
This is amaz I already had three beers.
Your mom owns a bar.
You already drink for free.
Yeah, but this is like, this is classier.
I might even have a glass of wine.
They got that peanut newer.
Hey, Colt.
Oh, hey, Lisa.
This is Abby, my wife.
Abby, this is that extremely generous woman I was telling you about.
You already have the suite, Colt.
I know, but this is amazing.
Y'know, a guy could get used to this.
It's very nice to meet you.
Thank you so much.
This is the best day of my life.
I mean, until you're born, obviously.
And our wedding day.
I said what I said.
Well, y'know, Abby, the best day of your life is about to get even better.
Wait, is there a chocolate fountain? Not since the incident with Tony Romo.
But, after the coin toss, Peyton Manning is gonna come up here.
Shut your fuckin' mouth, Lisa! I'm sorry.
I'm pregnant, it's the hormones.
Pey Peyton Manning? And I'm wearing a stupid Brock Osweiler jersey? I'm gonna be like, "Hey, Peyton, nice to meet you.
That's right, I'm a giant idiot.
" Babe, I'm gonna have to pop this off.
You're gonna have to paint an "18" on me.
You know, the waters are free, too.
- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Arrgh! - [SQUEAKS.]
I cannot believe we're gonna meet Peyton Manning! I'm not gonna lie to you, I've thought about this moment when we've had sex.
Oh, my God, me too.
- This is so great.
- Yeah! Thank you.
Promise me no matter how hectic things get we always remember to do stuff like this.
I mean this really This is the perfect day.
Hanging out in a suite with Peyton Manning - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- What about me? I said what I said.
Um Colt? Oh, come on, it's a joke.
It's fine that you're here, too.
No My water broke, the baby's coming.
- Holy sh Really? - Yeah.
Okay, yeah We're havin' a baby.
- Yeah.
- We gotta go! I mean, maybe we could try to wait until after the coin toss.
- What? - It's Peyton fuckin' Manning! I mean, if we time it right he might be able to deliver it! I love you.
There's a life that you've been looking for Some memories cannot lie Oh, somewhere, maybe Colorado Finally down to my high-stake life Found some way to ease your wandering mind Hmm mm mmmm Hmm mm mmmmm
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