The Reluctant Landlord (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Dirty Harry

1 The days seem slow but the years go fast One, two! The days seem slow but the years go fast Could you please pour another drink in my glass? I think I need a drink tonight If only the landlord could fix it right Why is he looking so reluctant? All bored, like he doesn't want the custom Why do you run a pub, then? I need time away but I've never gotten far Best friends are these guys here propping up the bar Working for the family I love, but the day's been long Could you please pour me another drink, bruv? Er, Charlie, when you came in and said, "Here's a coffee," I'm not sure that was entirely accurate.
I made it.
What is in it? Butter.
Why? It's butter coffee.
I read about it, gives you energy, improves your focus.
You read about it? Have you drunk it? No.
I've cut out caffeine and butter.
I like butter and I like coffee, but not together.
Same as I like WuTang Clan and Bake Off, which actually sounds like an incredible combination.
You need to get dressed if you're gonna drop the kids, unless you're staying in your 'jamas.
Make the other mums jealous when they see what I get to wake up to.
Are you gonna speak to Charlie's teacher like we agreed? No, I will not speak to Charlie's teacher like we agreed.
It'll sort itself out, don't make a thing of it.
Yeah, that's for my breakfast.
I made you one.
It's a kale and celery smoothie.
The stalks don't really blend, I had to sieve it out and reblend it a couple of times.
Got anything to go with it that won't make me wanna kill myself? They're vitamins and digestive aids.
Couple of the partners in work are doing a juice boost diet.
It would really help me stick to it if we could do it together at home.
Well, if everyone at work is doing it.
What do you mean by that? What I mean by that is, we're talking to Charlie about peer pressure, and now because you're work colleagues, we have to drink garden.
This is about being healthy, not peer pressure.
And I thought you didn't wanna talk about Charlie, who is being bullied, not pressured.
That makes two of us because I'm not drinking this.
It's only names, I don't really mind.
See? He's fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna find some real food.
OK, kids, go and do your teeth.
That juice stinks Right, have we run out of eggs? I can't believe you're being so flippant about bullying.
If we complain, they're going to smell blood, and pick on him more.
Leave it, they'll get bored and just move on.
It's the way kids are.
There was this kid at my school, right? And his mum bred dogs.
So he stank, and like, we gave him the nickname Dog Shit and said that his mum fucked dogs.
Actually when you say it out loud it sounds bloody horrible.
See, this is how these things escalate.
Can you talk to the teacher, please? I'll have to take time off work if I go in.
Yes, OK, I will talk to them.
Where are the beans and white bread? I threw 'em out.
Same as the eggs.
You need to get healthy.
By having butter in coffee, but not on bread? I'm not gonna apologise for wanting you to be on this planet a little bit longer.
That's a depressing intervention.
Do you think I look like I'm gonna die? Well, you don't look like you're gonna run a marathon in your 70s.
Your mum wants me to say something about this namecalling, and I think it's just gonna make it worse.
What are they actually calling you? Just stupid stuff, like Farting, cos it rhymes with Charlie.
But that doesn't rhyme.
These people sound like idiots.
If they're gonna pick on you, they should be picking on your personal hangups, or your physical appearance or something.
Whose side are you on? I'm on your side, I'm just saying these people sound like amateurs.
Don't worry about it, just ignore 'em.
Peter Farter's another one, cos of Peter Parker.
What's Peter Parker got to do with anything? It's cos we had a big argument when I said SpiderMan could fly.
Well, why would you say that? You sound like THEM.
I mean, they're right.
SpiderMan can't fly.
He's not FlyMan.
Spiders can't fly, SpiderMan can't fly.
Well, spiders don't shoot webs and swing off them either.
They carefully build webs, which they use to trap food, not to swing off.
Charlie, if he could fly, why would he bother swinging off the webs? He's got enhanced spider skills, hasn't he? Well, why can't I enhance them so he can fly? Because you just can't, all right? Superheroes are stupid.
They don't make sense.
Well, not if you don't pay attention to their origin stories, they don't.
We're gonna be late for your first class.
Which I'm hoping is a lesson in the back story of the Avengers.
What other superheroes do you not know anything about? Do you know who the Hulk is? No.
Yeah.
Mate, it's an outrage.
Imagine the grief I'd get if I put HER on an enforced diet.
I'm not in that bad shape.
That's your fourth packet of crisps.
Yes, because she threw out my breakfast.
I did try a sip of her smoothie eventually.
I'd rather drink bin juice.
Don't you think it's romantic, her wanting you to live longer? Er, no.
Eating badly is like a long, enjoyable suicide.
Yes, but Natasha doesn't want to assist.
Well, I don't want to be a burden, so I'd rather eat crisps now and wipe ten years of dribbling in a home off the end of my life.
I never knew you were so noble.
So, all you have are juices and smoothies, then.
Yes, and massive fuckoff pills.
I googled it, it's just a huge scam.
You pay for the app and then you get recipes, supplements.
You even get points if you dupe other mugs into joining up.
Look up "hashtag juice boost".
It's just loads of pictures of losers, like, going, "I'm really eating up life," and actually what they're doing is eating vegetable peelings and overpriced Berocca.
Natasha's on it.
Jesus Christ, she's gone all in.
She's taking photos of her meals, of her tastefree meals.
She's lost it, man.
It's like she's been radicalised.
What are they for, Julie? Well, you said I could try some of the cocktails I learned on my mixology course.
I meant you could practise them at home.
Why do I need your permission for what I can drink at home? Well, you can't do them here.
We've still got a crate of Bacardi from the '90s that Dad never shifted.
Bacardi isn't the same as cocktails.
It's the closest this place is gonna get to cocktails, so no.
Look.
You're on there too, Rom.
What? What the shit is this? "Hashtag, turning around a supertanker"? "Hashtag, keep up the struggle, you'll get there, girl"? I can't believe she's doing this.
She's a practising lawyer.
It's not illegal.
Yes, but she didn't get my permission, did she? It's like revenge porn.
Except, who would wanna crack one off to that? Hey.
Look who's here, boys.
My God.
Dirty Harry.
It's been years.
You haven't changed, you prick.
How are you doing, Melon? Still hanging about here like a spare dick at a wanking convention? It's Lemon.
And I don't know what that means, but yes.
Lee! I'd totally forgotten about you.
Here, Harry.
Have one on the house to celebrate getting out Back.
Where have you been? I mean, it's not my business, really.
Erm, how was it inside? Outside? Wherever you were before you came here? Sorry to hear your dad passed.
It's good you kept the place going.
You know, him and me, we used to do a bit of business.
Yeah, you once sold him a lot of condemned meat.
That was prime cut.
It was green.
Anyway, I've come across a lorry full of gourmet pickled eggs.
Quality stuff.
What exactly is a gourmet pickled egg? It's different flavours.
You got, er, spicy, cheese, garlic, curry.
They're past the sellby date but I'll change the labels.
They ain't gonna go off, are they? They're pickled.
200 quid the lot.
Er Things are a bit tight at the moment.
I mean, maybe next month? Fair enough.
'Ere, fill her up.
I'll pay for this one though.
I had a bit of luck while I was away up in Scotland.
There's a lot of people think these aren't legal tender.
Yeah, but they are.
Yes, I was just gonna say that.
You don't normally say that.
You normally refuse to take them.
Yes, but that's with strangers, Julie, this is Harry, he's a regular.
Or at least he was, before he was put away.
Sent away.
Went away, to Scotland.
So, what would you do if Harry asked for a cocktail? The only reason I'd ask for a cocktail is to get one of them little pointy sticks with an umbrella on it.
Then I'd use it to put someone's eye out.
So what the fuck's happening at the gaff up the road? What, the Dog? It's Foster's place.
Yeah, they've got a chalkboard with all cheeses and a smiley face on it.
I did a piss all over it.
Legend.
It's been about ten minutes, and he's already boasted about pissing on a chalkboard, and joked about putting someone's eye out.
Legend.
It's just banter, Julie, relax.
People come here for the atmosphere.
Community spirit, you unburden yourself, say what you feel.
Fuck me.
I can still see where your dad plastered over where I nutted the walls, when he put the price of beer up.
Yeah, you were sort of blaming him for the tax hike.
Here's to your dad.
He was always welcome.
You mean, welcoming.
No, I mean welcome.
He was one of the good ones.
Landlords? Darkies.
Why are you smiling? Because he's terrifying.
Bit upset about these posts about me today, to be honest.
Still waiting for an apology.
So am I.
Er, how come? You didn't give me any likes.
Erm, you put up a pic of me giving the impression that I need a hoist to get on and off the sofa.
Why would I like that? I meant the other pics.
Alison, the senior partner, she gets loads more likes than me.
I just wanted her to see me on the same level as her.
You think you're gonna get promoted off your juice boost profile? Maybe I need to up my hashtags.
The fact you're using hashtags alone upsets me.
I don't even know you any more.
What's wrong with hashtags? Nothing.
Which is why I reposted your picture with some hashtags of my own.
Hashtag fat shaming, er, hashtag oppressive wife You haven't.
No, of course not.
But only cos I couldn't be arsed.
I'm sorry about the pictures.
It's all a bit of harmless competition.
Helps us all squeeze as much juice out of life as possible.
My God.
Sure you don't wanna try some? It's beetroot and quinoa.
I thought it was a juicebased diet.
Well, it is.
You're allowed treats.
Do you know what "treat" means? You're only offering me that cos you want a bit of my toast.
No, I don't.
Really? Carbs, and fat, and enjoyment No! I'm joking! I'm really sorry about the sofa pic, but everyone else was doing it and we all had to pick someone we wanted to motivate.
Wow.
That doesn't sound like a cult at all.
It's not a cult.
I'm going to my room.
What did Charlie's teacher say? Well, she said that it was not a big deal, it would probably all blow over, but she'd keep an eye on it.
You really want this, don't you? Yeah.
You're gonna have to go downstairs to eat it.
My God.
Get some biscuits, make sure you eat them in front of Mummy, all right? OK.
Mummy says I look too old to be wearing this jacket.
What do you think? No, you only got it last month.
Well, that's not kind of what I'm asking.
Do I look too old for it? No.
Rom.
Rom Got 20 quid on ya? Er, yeah, mate.
Cool, cos I need some fags and the geezer in there won't accept this Scottish 20.
It is legal tender.
That's what I told him, but he wouldn't have it.
Stick a chilli up his arse.
That's a trick my old man used to do, get his greyhounds to run faster.
You should try it at your school sports day.
Cheers.
Right.
I told you to ignore it when people call you names, but at some point you gotta say something cos otherwise it becomes humiliating.
So not ignore it? Cos I did that yesterday and they started calling me Deaf Boy.
Right.
That is it.
The next time one of them says something, you hit back.
Yeah.
So it wasn't just the voice, he did the head wiggle? Was it you, though? Maybe the newsagent he was slagging off was Asian.
Yeah, Lemon.
That's racism.
Yeah.
It's bad.
I don't know why you're suddenly against him, when yesterday he was totally racist about your dad.
Well, they were kind of mates, and he wasn't really being racist about Dad, more like everyone that looks like Dad.
Why am I making excuses for this prick? Yeah, that's right.
Cos he's a massive psycho.
Do you want a pint? No, it's all right.
I brought my own.
This isn't a bringyourown place, and when did you start drinking vodka and orange? That's orange and ginger, blueberry, and spinach.
I got the recipe off Natasha's feed.
They're amazing.
You should start selling them behind your bar.
Why? This is a pub.
People drink alcohol.
Can I get one of those? No.
Yeah.
You can have my afternoon shot.
I can make another one easy.
Right, fine.
If you're gonna do that, we're gonna add vodka.
You happy, Julie? You're getting your cocktails.
Mixology's about more than just adding vodka.
Er, it's not mixology, it's cocktailmaking.
It's not a science, you don't see me calling pulling a pint "pumpology".
Well, maybe add some chilli honey or like, gold leaf.
Yeah, or some rhino shit and fairy wings What the fuck are you talking about? Both of you, calm down.
You can't add alcohol to these, I'm detoxifying myself.
I was thinking of starting a detox.
Apparently, erm, it's really good for concentration.
And I'm behind the wheel a lot for work, so So that's good.
And, it says here, £10 for every 100 people I get to sign up to the app.
Lee, that's like, 10p per convert.
It's a shit wage.
It's a pyramid scheme.
Worse than the people that had to make the pyramids cos at least when they were done they could go, "Look, I've done a pyramid.
" I hope you're happy.
You've turned my pub into a juice bar.
The school have just rung.
We've got to go in for a meeting.
Charlie's hit someone.
Yeah.
Well, maybe he's working off the energy from that spirulina you gave him.
What a bitch.
The head teacher? The mum of the kid Charlie hit.
If he's anything like his mum, he deserved it.
Why, what's she done? Er, ruined my juice boost page.
Look at this.
"Shame your son doesn't, "hashtag, love life.
Why is he so full of hate? "Maybe spend less time taking selfies and more time "disciplining your son.
" Mrs Ranganathan and Mr Ranganathan, I'm surprised to see you here.
Shall we? Well, I'm glad you're here.
Charlie's explanation for attacking Jackson was that you'd told him to hit back.
No, I didn't.
Well, I mean, I did say those words, but I didn't mean it literally, I meant hit back verbally.
Mrs Ranganathan?? Sorry, it's Work emergency.
Alison sacked you for your low like rate? We have an emergency here.
I don't understand why you would tell your son to attack another pupil, verbally or otherwise.
Well, there had been some instances of namecalling.
Bullying.
That I had made his teacher aware of but she may not have taken them on board.
It's not her fault, it's just that there are a lot of parents talking to her, and, er You didn't speak to her, did you? No, no, I did, erm, but she may not be able to verify that.
Charlie also said he was upset because a man told him he shoved chillies up dogs' anuses, and wanted to do the same to children.
He's taken that out of context.
What was the context? A friend was talking about greyhound racing and how they did the thing with chillies, it's probably like an urban myth or something.
Anyway, he joked about the possibility of doing that at school sports day.
Well, that's exactly how Charlie described it.
Right.
And this was a friend of yours? He's a bit of a rough diamond, it was sort of just, banter.
What friend? Dirty Harry.
Well, that That's a nickname, he's not a rogue cop or anything, he's a regular at the pub.
Right.
Is Charlie spending time in the pub? No, this was on the street.
It won't happen again.
No, none of this will happen again.
We'll need to draw up a contract of behaviour.
Can we get one for him while we're at it? Well, at least we don't have to have a conference with Jackson's parents.
I would have twatted his mum.
Actually, I'm tempted to twat you.
You need to bar Harry.
It's complicated, you don't know him.
Er, yeah, I do.
I remember warning your dad he was dodgy.
Someone used our firm to sue him for a holiday flat he rented them in Spain, which he used as an S & M club.
You shouldn't have people like that in a pub, it'll put new people off.
Well, that's a very snobbish attitude, isn't it? Hashtag judgemental.
It's not snobbish to be judgemental about criminals.
Judging criminals is how the law works.
He's one of the oldest regulars.
Well, if you don't bar him, I will.
Will he be there now? I will deal with it, OK? You've got to go back to work.
No, I need a drink.
Lemon Get out of here, get out of here.
Get out of here! What are you doing? Are you dealing out the back of the pub? Lemon, I'm a lawyer.
I can't turn a blind eye to this, my kids live upstairs.
It's nothing serious, it's just pills.
I know you wouldn't want me doing it in the pub.
Mate, I could lose my licence.
It was always on the cards.
And you're not gonna lose it from anything I'm doing.
No, no, don't look in the bag! Vitamins and psyllium husks? Lemon, take a deep breath and think about the direction your life is headed in, mate.
I found a better deal than Lee.
All right? If I can get ten extra juice boost members, then I get secret extra energy juice recipes, plus .
.
I get a free hoodie.
You two are pathetic.
I called it as a cult.
Yeah, well, you let Dirty Harry wobble his head at you.
Rom, what does this guy have to do to get barred? He's bullying you.
This is why your advice to Charlie was so stupid.
If you ignore bullies, you not only destroy your own selfesteem, you empower them.
Hashtag bollocks.
Drop the hashtag thing, Rom.
Dirty Harry? The bank had a problem with the Scottish notes.
They can't have, it's legal tender.
You must have had a racist teller.
No, they know it's legal tender, it's just that the notes are forged.
That's it.
He's broken the law.
Specific ones I could bore you with by naming them, but you need to call the police.
No.
I will handle this mantoman.
Pint.
This real? We've had a problem with 50s recently.
I just got it out of the ATM.
You got a Scottish note from an English ATM? That's what I said.
They real? Unless you know different.
You gave them to me.
Give us it back.
You know what? Forget it.
I prefer Dave Foster's place.
Much better atmosphere.
Who stuck a chilli up HIS arse? So proud of you! That is the single bravest thing I have ever seen in my life.
Although you are still out of pocket after all the pints he bought earlier.
Yeah.
And you still have a load of fake notes.
Who cares? This is a result.
Fake notes at Foster's.
And we can do some good with these ones.
By defrauding a charity? It's spina bifida anyway, I think they cured it in the '80s, didn't they? Guys, I'm joking.
What, too soon? Sorry about the way I handled things, Charlie.
I was actually being bullied a bit myself, and I didn't want to admit it.
Was it that guy who talked about dogs' bums? Er, yes, it was that guy who talked about dogs' bums, but he's not gonna be around any more.
So don't worry.
And listen, SpiderMan can fly if you want him to.
Cool.
Can he go underwater like the diving bell spider? Sure.
Why not? And he can even drive the Batmobile as well if you want.
Don't be stupid.
Batman's in the DC Universe, SpiderMan's Marvel.
Congratulations, you can still be my son.
Good night.