The Reluctant Landlord (2018) s02e06 Episode Script
Die Another Day
1 1, 2 The days seem slow but the years go fast Could you please pour another drink in my glass? I think I need a drink tonight If only the landlord could fix it right Why's he looking so reluctant? All bored, like he doesn't want the custom Why do you run a pub, then? I need time away but I've never gotten far Best friends are these guys here propping up the bar Working for the family I love but the day's been long Could you please pour me another drink, bruv? If only the landlord could fix it right Morning, Steve.
It's Ray.
Yes! Of course.
I was just wondering if you had anything there for me.
What? Oh! You're expecting a bit of bad news.
No.
Why would you say that? People start being nice to you when they're expecting bad news.
Normally, they haven't got the time of day for you.
When it's grey skies - "Hello, mate, how are you? Did you see the footie last night?" I hate people like that.
Yeah, me too.
They're wankers.
Yeah, they ARE wankers.
All right, well, nice one, Steve.
Er, Ray.
Of course.
Ray.
You sure there definitely isn't something from the hospital or the The hospital? The heart clinic? Oh, the heart clinic! Shall we have a little look and see? No.
Thanks anyway.
That's all right, cheers.
Happy er, posting.
OK, so Charlie, you're the drunk.
Theresa, you're the landlady.
You're going to bar him, OK? Go.
Why do I have to bar him? Because he's drunk.
Am I allowed to swear? No, you're not.
How much has he drunk? He's just drunk.
It's important.
Fine.
Er, ten pints.
Just beer? No, he's also had four vodkas.
Singles or doubles? Why does that matter? For my performance.
I'm not barring him.
Why? Because he's had ten pints and four vodkas.
Exactly, that's why he's drunk.
Dad, a man who's just spent £60 in my pub is not going anywhere.
Would you like some complimentary nuts? (DEEP VOICE) Yes, please, and another pint of vodka! Oi, landlord! You got a shigarette machine? Excellent work, Charlie.
You both smashed it.
I'm proud of you.
Why are you teaching us this now? You never know, do you? One day, you might be running this place.
That's why we've got to do well at school - so we don't end up here.
OK, Charlie, thank you very much.
You know I love you, don't you? Of course we do, Dad.
And no matter what happens, I will always love you, and I will always be your dad, OK, even if Well, even if Even if I'm not around.
Dad? Yes, darling? Are you having a mid-life crisis? That's a very real possibility, yes.
He's just being weird, and nice.
I caught him hoovering, then he asked if I wanted him to take the bins out.
I don't like it.
Last time this happened, he was trying to line up a threesome.
That does not sound like Rom.
It was the '90s.
He was reading Loaded magazine.
That makes sense.
Morning, ladies.
Tea's up.
Peppermint tea, Julie? This is lovely and unusual.
I didn't think you knew where the kettle was.
I know you love your peppermint tea.
There's milk in it! That is a lovely treat.
I'm just going to let this cool down.
Enjoy! I was just thinking.
You know it's my birthday coming up.
I was wondering if you were minded to organise some sort of party.
I wouldn't be averse to it, what with it being the big 4-0.
Hang on, where's all this coming from? You said, and I quote, "I would rather be covered head to toe in my own soil than have to suffer another gathering of such insufferable pricktards.
" You've got a very good memory.
A girl never forgets her wedding day.
Yes, well, that aside, it's a special year, and as a man gets older and hopefully wiser, he wants to celebrate the blessings of his life with those people closest to him.
Mm-hm.
Rom? Yeah? I'm not having a threesome.
ROB BASE: It Takes Two Looks like I'm going to be joining you soon, Dad.
What's all this rubbish? Have you been up in the loft? I was looking for some bits for my party.
What, who's having a party, you? Don't sound so surprised! I like parties.
You seem to think I don't remember your wedding reception.
Why does everyone still go on about that? Why are you living in the past? I'm not living in the past! Look at you - your hair, your clothes, the music, the way you walk.
The way I walk? You need to embrace the future! Your father was a wonderful man in a way that you could never be, but he's no longer here, and you need to accept this in the way that I have.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yes? Yes.
(LAUGHS) I'm wearing them now.
They feel very good.
I feel very spoiled! I have to say, I'm a very lucky girl.
(CHUCKLES) Cashmere socks.
They must have cost a fortune! Oh, no, it's only Romesh.
Dr Shepherd sends you his very best regards.
He says he's left you a couple of messages to call him.
Do you want to talk to him now? No, I'm fine.
Could you pass on a message for me? Of course.
Could you say, "Please stop grooming my mum?" (Don't be so rude!) You finish your call, I'll throw up in there.
Good shot.
(Julie?) (Julie!) (Julie!) What?! I think he's doing it, he's telling her.
Look, he's got serious face on.
It's so sad, and yet, I can't take my eyes away from it.
It's about time he told her.
It's not fair that we know and Nat doesn't.
He's making his will.
The problem, when it comes to parties, is that parties are generally made up of friends.
And? You haven't really got any.
I've got plenty of friends! Me and Lemon don't count.
Julie.
Julie's an employee.
She's still a friend.
Steve.
Who's Steve? The postman.
His name is Ray.
Steve-Ray.
That's what he lets you call him.
He loves to party.
Put him down, go on.
(SIGHS) OK, OK.
How are you doing, guys, all right? Yeah, good.
How are you, Nat, you all right? Yeah, fine.
You still haven't told her, have you? Er, not exactly.
Tell her, or I'm going to! Do you often blackmail people on their last legs? Let me do it my way.
Well, I think there's no better man on this earth than Rom.
Me too.
I mean, what a man.
I mean he's an example to us all.
Is there something going on here I don't know about? No, they're just being loveable dickheads.
Shut up, ya loveable dickheads! Anyway, listen - I've actually got some news, guys.
That news is .
.
I'm having a party.
(SQUEALS) What? Yes, I'm having a party for my birthday.
For me to celebrate my 40 years on this earth, 40 years of Romesh, big party, big knees-up before I erm .
.
er Before I erm Before you what? Before I er Before you're 41.
Yes, great.
Thank you, Julie.
Yes.
YOU'RE having a party? Yeah.
And who are you inviting? Well, everybody, right? Who's everyone? Well, all the old gang from school, like, the whole crew.
Smithy! Smithy, yes.
Smigga? Smigga.
Smigga - he's dead.
OK, cross that out.
Micky Tickles.
Micky Tickles, yes! Micky Tick.
Mick the Tick.
Do you remember, he'd sneak up behind you, then tickle you in the shower? Yes, I do, it was amazing.
Is he still teaching? No, they stopped him.
Little Brenda Wu.
Brenda Wu! Put Brenda down.
Remember when she dyed her hair blue in sixth form? That was Kerry Ho.
Have I just been massively racist? Put them both down anyway, put them both down.
Well, I mean, this is shaping up to be a terrific send-off.
A send-off? Where's he going? Oh a send-off from his 30s into his 40s.
Well, leave it with me.
This is going to be one hell of a party.
Yay! The days seem slow but the years go fast If only the landlord could fix it right LOUIS JORDAN: Let The Good Times Roll Hey, Rom! Oh, hey, man.
How are you doing? Good to see you! Long time.
It's been, what, 25 years? Yeah.
But then what IS time, right? Word.
Namaste.
Namaste.
What a top guy.
Hey! You all right? Yeah.
Why? Cos that guy was wearing Crocs and a headscarf, and he said the word "word".
I've seen you bar people for any one of those things, Rom.
But there's a story behind every person, a reason why we are how we are.
I just think, you know, maybe we should think about that before we judge.
Yeah.
It's just that, when you've been with someone for nearly 20 years, you kind of think you know how they respond to things.
Judging people is always the first thing that you do.
School days, bro - I wish I was back there.
I don't! I still haven't handed in my Geography coursework.
I mean, what are they going to do, stick me in detention? I won't go! (LAUGHS) No, seriously - I think I've got a note from my mum somewhere.
I didn't know you were the coolest boy in school! Looks like you still are.
I'm not particularly enjoying it.
Somebody asked me for my autograph.
Hey, Lemon! Could I get a quick snap for the kids? Big parcels, little parcels - I do them all, mate.
Sign for, don't sign for - it don't matter to me.
Well, broken leg, broken finger - I do them all, pal.
Get in the ambulance, don't get in the ambulance.
I don't care.
I just take the day off if I want.
Well, I just put the siren on and go for a burger.
Or I just go through the birthday cards and take the money out.
Well, I get my burgers for free cos I'm ambulance.
You're not better than me! You think you are, but you're not.
And it's there, then it's gone! That was the first thing they taught me at medical school.
Brian, I thought you were being serious! You're such a joker.
Oh, I haven't laughed this much for A long time? You know, laughter is the best medicine, and as a medical professional, I shall be writing you a prescription for a lifetime's supply.
Thank you.
Oh, Romesh! Could I have a moment of your time? I'm about to do my speech.
Could it wait? We'll catch up later.
Sure, yeah.
Good luck with the speech, eh? Thanks.
Break a leg! Yeah.
Woo-woo! Erm, hello.
(KNOCKS MIKE) Hello? Hiya.
It's Romesh, hi.
Could I ask you to gather round for a very short time? I want to take this opportunity to talk to you.
I won't be long.
I just wanted to say how great of you all to come.
It really does mean a lot that you're all here.
To have you guys here to celebrate with me on this special day really is erm It really is the icing on the birthday cake.
People often say Oh, my God - what if it IS mid-life crisis? What if he does want to leave me? Maybe that's what all this is about.
I don't think that it is, Nat.
They get to this age, and they see a woman that's half their age, and before you know it, they're dressed as James May, and they're the oldest new dad at the school gates.
I read something er, recently that means a lot to me, and I think it might mean something to you.
You know, a tree grows old, but it bears seeds that contain its very essence, and in this way, the tree becomes immortal.
And I like to think that's a bit like life, isn't it? (ONE PERSON CLAPPING) Truth! Thank you, David.
I would like to leave you with a song You know who would hate you? Policemen and firemen.
Can't stand you.
Yeah, well, you know who hates you? Dogs and .
.
email.
Wonderful speech - generous and giving.
I didn't realise you had such a spiritual dimension.
When done.
Thank you.
There's something I want to have a little chat about.
With all due respect, Doctor, tonight's supposed to be a celebration of my life, so I'm not ready for the curtain-down chat just yet.
Haven't the hospital written to you? Er, no.
Very remiss of them.
We had your test results back last week.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
You're as clean as a whistle, it all came back negative.
Can you say that bit again? You're going to be fine, you are 100% fit and healthy.
I'm not going to die? No! Well, yes, at some point.
Barring accidents, nasty diseases or lightning strikes, you're good for another 40 years.
This is the best part of my job - this and the free trips to Cancun, courtesy of the pharmaceutical companies.
I'm alive! Mid-life crisis? Yeah, something like that.
(LAUGHS) Mum, I just got the good news from Dr Shepherd.
He told you? He couldn't not, could he? And you're fine about it? I'm over the bloody moon! Oh, Romesh.
I was so worried that you'd object.
Object to what? To us getting married.
What? You're fucking kidding me? Do you remember Kanish, from school? Of course I remember him.
How have you been, Kanish? My name is Romesh.
In the speech, I said, "Hello, I'm Romesh.
" If my name was Kanish, that banner would say, "Happy 40th, Kanish.
" Now if you don't mind, and I don't care if you do - out, goodbye.
Bloody freeloaders! (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me! Could I have your attention? Er, party's over.
Turns out I'm not dying but my mum is shacking up with Doogie Howser's granddad.
So if you don't mind, off be fucking.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, peace out, nuff respect.
See you later.
Guys, guys, guys! I just want to say, it's been a long and emotional night for Rom, after all, he's an old man now.
I'm pretty sure he didn't mean what he said then.
Actually, I did.
If anything, I didn't put it strongly enough.
I don't know what you're still doing here.
You can piss off as well.
All right! After-party at mine, then.
We've got half-price artisan cocktails and 27.
5% off all indoor-street food options.
Who's with me?! (EVERYONE CHEERS) Steve! Did you watch the football last night? Fuck off! I'm glad Rom kicked them out.
It was all getting a bit much for me.
Debbie Chapman from Domestic Science wanted me to run away to Inverness with her.
Who do you think is better, Julie - an ambulanceman or a postman? Ambulanceman, every time.
I hate postmen.
Used to always nick the birthday money out of my cards.
I don't know what's going on with you! One minute, you're Mr Nice, the next, "Get out!" No, no, no - I thought I was dying, OK? What? This is what all this is about - the doctor, the hospital, this.
I thought I had a heart condition, like Dad.
I freaked out, I'm sorry.
I didn't know how to deal with it.
I started panicking, thinking about you, the kids.
I just didn't know what to do.
That is why I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry.
That's horrible! Is that your going-to-be-sick face? OK.
No, no, no! Oh, my God! Lemon and honey.
Thank you, thanks.
Be careful! Thank you, I'm comfortable now.
Comfy.
No wobbles! I meant what I said last night.
Before or after you threw up on me? Mum, were you sick on Dad? That's horrible! Where did you do it? Were you drunk? Maybe a little.
I know the feeling.
Drinking is a mug's game.
You know your dad is a changed man? I wouldn't go that far.
You gave your blessing to your mum and Dr Shepherd getting married.
They're getting married? Not happening.
It is! They've got it all planned - honeymooning in Cancun.
Nah.
Mark my words - they get married over my dead body.
Too soon.
OK, can you move, please, because this is our bed! HOUSE OF PAIN: Jump Around (MUSIC STOPS) Dad! Dad, are you OK? Oh, my God, Rom! Ha-ha! (MUSIC RESUMES) Waking up feeling like a gremlin just attacked Stole the hair from my head then stuck it to my back I fell out of bed then kept falling That click in my back was my 40th calling Check the hunched-over posture that I'm sitting in Damn, I can feel the discs in my back stiffening How many days I spend in the gym? Not many How am I this skinny with a pork belly? Every night I fall asleep when I watch telly
It's Ray.
Yes! Of course.
I was just wondering if you had anything there for me.
What? Oh! You're expecting a bit of bad news.
No.
Why would you say that? People start being nice to you when they're expecting bad news.
Normally, they haven't got the time of day for you.
When it's grey skies - "Hello, mate, how are you? Did you see the footie last night?" I hate people like that.
Yeah, me too.
They're wankers.
Yeah, they ARE wankers.
All right, well, nice one, Steve.
Er, Ray.
Of course.
Ray.
You sure there definitely isn't something from the hospital or the The hospital? The heart clinic? Oh, the heart clinic! Shall we have a little look and see? No.
Thanks anyway.
That's all right, cheers.
Happy er, posting.
OK, so Charlie, you're the drunk.
Theresa, you're the landlady.
You're going to bar him, OK? Go.
Why do I have to bar him? Because he's drunk.
Am I allowed to swear? No, you're not.
How much has he drunk? He's just drunk.
It's important.
Fine.
Er, ten pints.
Just beer? No, he's also had four vodkas.
Singles or doubles? Why does that matter? For my performance.
I'm not barring him.
Why? Because he's had ten pints and four vodkas.
Exactly, that's why he's drunk.
Dad, a man who's just spent £60 in my pub is not going anywhere.
Would you like some complimentary nuts? (DEEP VOICE) Yes, please, and another pint of vodka! Oi, landlord! You got a shigarette machine? Excellent work, Charlie.
You both smashed it.
I'm proud of you.
Why are you teaching us this now? You never know, do you? One day, you might be running this place.
That's why we've got to do well at school - so we don't end up here.
OK, Charlie, thank you very much.
You know I love you, don't you? Of course we do, Dad.
And no matter what happens, I will always love you, and I will always be your dad, OK, even if Well, even if Even if I'm not around.
Dad? Yes, darling? Are you having a mid-life crisis? That's a very real possibility, yes.
He's just being weird, and nice.
I caught him hoovering, then he asked if I wanted him to take the bins out.
I don't like it.
Last time this happened, he was trying to line up a threesome.
That does not sound like Rom.
It was the '90s.
He was reading Loaded magazine.
That makes sense.
Morning, ladies.
Tea's up.
Peppermint tea, Julie? This is lovely and unusual.
I didn't think you knew where the kettle was.
I know you love your peppermint tea.
There's milk in it! That is a lovely treat.
I'm just going to let this cool down.
Enjoy! I was just thinking.
You know it's my birthday coming up.
I was wondering if you were minded to organise some sort of party.
I wouldn't be averse to it, what with it being the big 4-0.
Hang on, where's all this coming from? You said, and I quote, "I would rather be covered head to toe in my own soil than have to suffer another gathering of such insufferable pricktards.
" You've got a very good memory.
A girl never forgets her wedding day.
Yes, well, that aside, it's a special year, and as a man gets older and hopefully wiser, he wants to celebrate the blessings of his life with those people closest to him.
Mm-hm.
Rom? Yeah? I'm not having a threesome.
ROB BASE: It Takes Two Looks like I'm going to be joining you soon, Dad.
What's all this rubbish? Have you been up in the loft? I was looking for some bits for my party.
What, who's having a party, you? Don't sound so surprised! I like parties.
You seem to think I don't remember your wedding reception.
Why does everyone still go on about that? Why are you living in the past? I'm not living in the past! Look at you - your hair, your clothes, the music, the way you walk.
The way I walk? You need to embrace the future! Your father was a wonderful man in a way that you could never be, but he's no longer here, and you need to accept this in the way that I have.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yes? Yes.
(LAUGHS) I'm wearing them now.
They feel very good.
I feel very spoiled! I have to say, I'm a very lucky girl.
(CHUCKLES) Cashmere socks.
They must have cost a fortune! Oh, no, it's only Romesh.
Dr Shepherd sends you his very best regards.
He says he's left you a couple of messages to call him.
Do you want to talk to him now? No, I'm fine.
Could you pass on a message for me? Of course.
Could you say, "Please stop grooming my mum?" (Don't be so rude!) You finish your call, I'll throw up in there.
Good shot.
(Julie?) (Julie!) (Julie!) What?! I think he's doing it, he's telling her.
Look, he's got serious face on.
It's so sad, and yet, I can't take my eyes away from it.
It's about time he told her.
It's not fair that we know and Nat doesn't.
He's making his will.
The problem, when it comes to parties, is that parties are generally made up of friends.
And? You haven't really got any.
I've got plenty of friends! Me and Lemon don't count.
Julie.
Julie's an employee.
She's still a friend.
Steve.
Who's Steve? The postman.
His name is Ray.
Steve-Ray.
That's what he lets you call him.
He loves to party.
Put him down, go on.
(SIGHS) OK, OK.
How are you doing, guys, all right? Yeah, good.
How are you, Nat, you all right? Yeah, fine.
You still haven't told her, have you? Er, not exactly.
Tell her, or I'm going to! Do you often blackmail people on their last legs? Let me do it my way.
Well, I think there's no better man on this earth than Rom.
Me too.
I mean, what a man.
I mean he's an example to us all.
Is there something going on here I don't know about? No, they're just being loveable dickheads.
Shut up, ya loveable dickheads! Anyway, listen - I've actually got some news, guys.
That news is .
.
I'm having a party.
(SQUEALS) What? Yes, I'm having a party for my birthday.
For me to celebrate my 40 years on this earth, 40 years of Romesh, big party, big knees-up before I erm .
.
er Before I erm Before you what? Before I er Before you're 41.
Yes, great.
Thank you, Julie.
Yes.
YOU'RE having a party? Yeah.
And who are you inviting? Well, everybody, right? Who's everyone? Well, all the old gang from school, like, the whole crew.
Smithy! Smithy, yes.
Smigga? Smigga.
Smigga - he's dead.
OK, cross that out.
Micky Tickles.
Micky Tickles, yes! Micky Tick.
Mick the Tick.
Do you remember, he'd sneak up behind you, then tickle you in the shower? Yes, I do, it was amazing.
Is he still teaching? No, they stopped him.
Little Brenda Wu.
Brenda Wu! Put Brenda down.
Remember when she dyed her hair blue in sixth form? That was Kerry Ho.
Have I just been massively racist? Put them both down anyway, put them both down.
Well, I mean, this is shaping up to be a terrific send-off.
A send-off? Where's he going? Oh a send-off from his 30s into his 40s.
Well, leave it with me.
This is going to be one hell of a party.
Yay! The days seem slow but the years go fast If only the landlord could fix it right LOUIS JORDAN: Let The Good Times Roll Hey, Rom! Oh, hey, man.
How are you doing? Good to see you! Long time.
It's been, what, 25 years? Yeah.
But then what IS time, right? Word.
Namaste.
Namaste.
What a top guy.
Hey! You all right? Yeah.
Why? Cos that guy was wearing Crocs and a headscarf, and he said the word "word".
I've seen you bar people for any one of those things, Rom.
But there's a story behind every person, a reason why we are how we are.
I just think, you know, maybe we should think about that before we judge.
Yeah.
It's just that, when you've been with someone for nearly 20 years, you kind of think you know how they respond to things.
Judging people is always the first thing that you do.
School days, bro - I wish I was back there.
I don't! I still haven't handed in my Geography coursework.
I mean, what are they going to do, stick me in detention? I won't go! (LAUGHS) No, seriously - I think I've got a note from my mum somewhere.
I didn't know you were the coolest boy in school! Looks like you still are.
I'm not particularly enjoying it.
Somebody asked me for my autograph.
Hey, Lemon! Could I get a quick snap for the kids? Big parcels, little parcels - I do them all, mate.
Sign for, don't sign for - it don't matter to me.
Well, broken leg, broken finger - I do them all, pal.
Get in the ambulance, don't get in the ambulance.
I don't care.
I just take the day off if I want.
Well, I just put the siren on and go for a burger.
Or I just go through the birthday cards and take the money out.
Well, I get my burgers for free cos I'm ambulance.
You're not better than me! You think you are, but you're not.
And it's there, then it's gone! That was the first thing they taught me at medical school.
Brian, I thought you were being serious! You're such a joker.
Oh, I haven't laughed this much for A long time? You know, laughter is the best medicine, and as a medical professional, I shall be writing you a prescription for a lifetime's supply.
Thank you.
Oh, Romesh! Could I have a moment of your time? I'm about to do my speech.
Could it wait? We'll catch up later.
Sure, yeah.
Good luck with the speech, eh? Thanks.
Break a leg! Yeah.
Woo-woo! Erm, hello.
(KNOCKS MIKE) Hello? Hiya.
It's Romesh, hi.
Could I ask you to gather round for a very short time? I want to take this opportunity to talk to you.
I won't be long.
I just wanted to say how great of you all to come.
It really does mean a lot that you're all here.
To have you guys here to celebrate with me on this special day really is erm It really is the icing on the birthday cake.
People often say Oh, my God - what if it IS mid-life crisis? What if he does want to leave me? Maybe that's what all this is about.
I don't think that it is, Nat.
They get to this age, and they see a woman that's half their age, and before you know it, they're dressed as James May, and they're the oldest new dad at the school gates.
I read something er, recently that means a lot to me, and I think it might mean something to you.
You know, a tree grows old, but it bears seeds that contain its very essence, and in this way, the tree becomes immortal.
And I like to think that's a bit like life, isn't it? (ONE PERSON CLAPPING) Truth! Thank you, David.
I would like to leave you with a song You know who would hate you? Policemen and firemen.
Can't stand you.
Yeah, well, you know who hates you? Dogs and .
.
email.
Wonderful speech - generous and giving.
I didn't realise you had such a spiritual dimension.
When done.
Thank you.
There's something I want to have a little chat about.
With all due respect, Doctor, tonight's supposed to be a celebration of my life, so I'm not ready for the curtain-down chat just yet.
Haven't the hospital written to you? Er, no.
Very remiss of them.
We had your test results back last week.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
You're as clean as a whistle, it all came back negative.
Can you say that bit again? You're going to be fine, you are 100% fit and healthy.
I'm not going to die? No! Well, yes, at some point.
Barring accidents, nasty diseases or lightning strikes, you're good for another 40 years.
This is the best part of my job - this and the free trips to Cancun, courtesy of the pharmaceutical companies.
I'm alive! Mid-life crisis? Yeah, something like that.
(LAUGHS) Mum, I just got the good news from Dr Shepherd.
He told you? He couldn't not, could he? And you're fine about it? I'm over the bloody moon! Oh, Romesh.
I was so worried that you'd object.
Object to what? To us getting married.
What? You're fucking kidding me? Do you remember Kanish, from school? Of course I remember him.
How have you been, Kanish? My name is Romesh.
In the speech, I said, "Hello, I'm Romesh.
" If my name was Kanish, that banner would say, "Happy 40th, Kanish.
" Now if you don't mind, and I don't care if you do - out, goodbye.
Bloody freeloaders! (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me! Could I have your attention? Er, party's over.
Turns out I'm not dying but my mum is shacking up with Doogie Howser's granddad.
So if you don't mind, off be fucking.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, peace out, nuff respect.
See you later.
Guys, guys, guys! I just want to say, it's been a long and emotional night for Rom, after all, he's an old man now.
I'm pretty sure he didn't mean what he said then.
Actually, I did.
If anything, I didn't put it strongly enough.
I don't know what you're still doing here.
You can piss off as well.
All right! After-party at mine, then.
We've got half-price artisan cocktails and 27.
5% off all indoor-street food options.
Who's with me?! (EVERYONE CHEERS) Steve! Did you watch the football last night? Fuck off! I'm glad Rom kicked them out.
It was all getting a bit much for me.
Debbie Chapman from Domestic Science wanted me to run away to Inverness with her.
Who do you think is better, Julie - an ambulanceman or a postman? Ambulanceman, every time.
I hate postmen.
Used to always nick the birthday money out of my cards.
I don't know what's going on with you! One minute, you're Mr Nice, the next, "Get out!" No, no, no - I thought I was dying, OK? What? This is what all this is about - the doctor, the hospital, this.
I thought I had a heart condition, like Dad.
I freaked out, I'm sorry.
I didn't know how to deal with it.
I started panicking, thinking about you, the kids.
I just didn't know what to do.
That is why I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry.
That's horrible! Is that your going-to-be-sick face? OK.
No, no, no! Oh, my God! Lemon and honey.
Thank you, thanks.
Be careful! Thank you, I'm comfortable now.
Comfy.
No wobbles! I meant what I said last night.
Before or after you threw up on me? Mum, were you sick on Dad? That's horrible! Where did you do it? Were you drunk? Maybe a little.
I know the feeling.
Drinking is a mug's game.
You know your dad is a changed man? I wouldn't go that far.
You gave your blessing to your mum and Dr Shepherd getting married.
They're getting married? Not happening.
It is! They've got it all planned - honeymooning in Cancun.
Nah.
Mark my words - they get married over my dead body.
Too soon.
OK, can you move, please, because this is our bed! HOUSE OF PAIN: Jump Around (MUSIC STOPS) Dad! Dad, are you OK? Oh, my God, Rom! Ha-ha! (MUSIC RESUMES) Waking up feeling like a gremlin just attacked Stole the hair from my head then stuck it to my back I fell out of bed then kept falling That click in my back was my 40th calling Check the hunched-over posture that I'm sitting in Damn, I can feel the discs in my back stiffening How many days I spend in the gym? Not many How am I this skinny with a pork belly? Every night I fall asleep when I watch telly