The Ren and Stimpy Show s01e03 Episode Script
Space Madness / The Boy Who Cried 'Rat!'
1 Well, Stimpy, what's on Tv tonight ? Oh, joy ! Hey, Ren, it's "commander Hoek and Stimpy" ! Happy, happy, happy joy, joy, joy.
My favorite live-Action drama.
Don't let it start ! Don't let it start ! Roger, a-Ok, activate view screen.
I can't watch this show without my trusty commander Hoek radar decoder ring my o-fficial commander Hoek space helmet not to mention your genuine super-elastic time shorts.
Bet you don't have a pair of these, earthling.
And nggaaaaaa my anti-gravity bubblegum.
( crash ) ( Tv announcer ) All systems go ! Prepare for countdown ! 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-- blastoff to adventure in the amazing year 400 billion with commander Hoek and his faithful companion cadet Stimpy, as they roam the endless, uncharted regions of space at speeds so fantastic they throttle the imagination ! Prepare to surge to sub-light speed.
( alarm sounding ) En-gage.
( screaming ) You'll see futuristic technologies, thrilling headgear ( ding ) Spine-tingling toast ! Be there, scour the spaceways, explore vast alien worlds ! Come in, cadet Stimpy.
Do you read me ? Cadet Stimpy here, we read you, roger.
Roger here.
Okay, space cadets, prepare to hurtle through the cosmos in today's turgid episode ! ( rumbling roar ) ( unwinding ) ( electricity zapping ) ( Commander Hoek thinking ) Captain's log commander Hoek here on a 36-year mission to the crab nebula.
We've made this trip dozens of times.
You know, they say sometimes people go crazy on these long trips.
They get the-- ( voices ) Space madness.
Heh-- space madness.
Mr.
Science officer, commence relaxation period.
Aye, aye, cap'n ! Well, it's break time.
We're not on duty for another six years.
So, what do you wanna do ? Why don't we just spend some quality time together ? ( incessant tapping ) ( pounding, echoing ) Do you have to keep tapping like that ?! You bloated sack of protoplasm ?! Hey, cap, ease off.
Oh, hey, I'm sorry, man.
I-- I just been cooped up here so long.
I think we both need a good, hot meal.
Just hang on, okay ? Mmm, boy, I'm starving ! How about that ! A 3-course meal.
Ppbbppbb that's it ! I need some real food !! Relax, cap'n.
I'm here for you.
Let it out that's right hey, I know what you need.
( waltz playing ) Yes, sir, a good, hot bath is the best thing for nerves.
( snap ) Ow ! Hey ! Cut it out ! ( splash ) Ahh I'll turn off the gravity.
It'll help you relax.
( buzzer ) What a pal.
Ahh this is the good life.
Just relax and let my mind drift.
Ahh I'll just lie back and think pleasant thoughts.
Chicken pot pie chocolate-covered raisins glazed ham ! Ohh, oh heh heh.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Ooh they think I'm crazy, but I know better.
It is not I who am crazy-- it is I who am mad ! Didn't you hear 'em ? ( voice cracking ) Didn't you see the crowds ?! Oh, my beloved ice cream bar how I love to lick your creamy center ! Awwmmf ! Awwmmf ! Awwmmf ! And your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering.
You're not like the others.
You like the same things I do.
Heh wax paper boiled football leather dog breath ! We're not hitchhiking anymore.
We're riding ! Stop it ! You're talking crazy.
( record scratch ) Oh, no-- I know what you want.
You coveted my ice cream bar ! Come on, now.
No you don't ! You can't take it from me now ! I've had this ice cream bar since I was a child ! People always trying to take it from me ! Why won't they leave me alone ?! E-easy now.
Back off, man !! Don't make me use this ! One step closer, I'm warnin' ya ! Don't make me use it ! Now you've done it.
You've forced me to use it ! ( high-pitched scraping ) Hyah ! ( screams ) I'm hurting.
You poor, crazy kid.
( thinking ) Captain's log I'm tired, so tired.
I can't believe my own partner attacked me.
Maybe if I occupy his mind with more duties, I can control his space madness ! ( Commander Hoek ) Now, listen, cadet.
I've got a job for you.
See this button ? Don't touch it ! It's the history eraser button, you fool ! So, what'll happen ? That's just it-- we don't know.
Maybe something bad maybe something good I guess we'll never know, 'cause you're going to guard it.
You won't touch it, will you ? Hee heh heh.
Hee heh heh heh.
( announcer ) Oh, how long can trusty cadet Stimpy hold out ? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his very existence ?! Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires ? Can he withstand the temptation to push the button that even now beckons him ever closer ?! Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history at the mere push of a single button ?! The beautiful, shiny button ! The jolly, candy-Like button ! Will he hold out, folks ? Can he hold out ? No, I can't !!! Aahhh ! ( alarm sounding ) Tune in next week as ( electrical surge ) ( electrical surge ) ( announcer ) New amazing product ! Hi, kids ! I start out my day with my favorite breakfast-- that's right, sugar frosted milk ! Mmm ! Smell those lumps ! Just four ounces of lumps and six ounces of cereal makes for a balanced breakfast.
( screaming ) Help ! Nooo ! Boo hoo ! And sugar frosted milk stays lumpy, even in cereal ! Mornin', sis ! Oh, boy ! Sugar frosted lumps ! Hey, who stole my lumps ?! ( ding )
My favorite live-Action drama.
Don't let it start ! Don't let it start ! Roger, a-Ok, activate view screen.
I can't watch this show without my trusty commander Hoek radar decoder ring my o-fficial commander Hoek space helmet not to mention your genuine super-elastic time shorts.
Bet you don't have a pair of these, earthling.
And nggaaaaaa my anti-gravity bubblegum.
( crash ) ( Tv announcer ) All systems go ! Prepare for countdown ! 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-- blastoff to adventure in the amazing year 400 billion with commander Hoek and his faithful companion cadet Stimpy, as they roam the endless, uncharted regions of space at speeds so fantastic they throttle the imagination ! Prepare to surge to sub-light speed.
( alarm sounding ) En-gage.
( screaming ) You'll see futuristic technologies, thrilling headgear ( ding ) Spine-tingling toast ! Be there, scour the spaceways, explore vast alien worlds ! Come in, cadet Stimpy.
Do you read me ? Cadet Stimpy here, we read you, roger.
Roger here.
Okay, space cadets, prepare to hurtle through the cosmos in today's turgid episode ! ( rumbling roar ) ( unwinding ) ( electricity zapping ) ( Commander Hoek thinking ) Captain's log commander Hoek here on a 36-year mission to the crab nebula.
We've made this trip dozens of times.
You know, they say sometimes people go crazy on these long trips.
They get the-- ( voices ) Space madness.
Heh-- space madness.
Mr.
Science officer, commence relaxation period.
Aye, aye, cap'n ! Well, it's break time.
We're not on duty for another six years.
So, what do you wanna do ? Why don't we just spend some quality time together ? ( incessant tapping ) ( pounding, echoing ) Do you have to keep tapping like that ?! You bloated sack of protoplasm ?! Hey, cap, ease off.
Oh, hey, I'm sorry, man.
I-- I just been cooped up here so long.
I think we both need a good, hot meal.
Just hang on, okay ? Mmm, boy, I'm starving ! How about that ! A 3-course meal.
Ppbbppbb that's it ! I need some real food !! Relax, cap'n.
I'm here for you.
Let it out that's right hey, I know what you need.
( waltz playing ) Yes, sir, a good, hot bath is the best thing for nerves.
( snap ) Ow ! Hey ! Cut it out ! ( splash ) Ahh I'll turn off the gravity.
It'll help you relax.
( buzzer ) What a pal.
Ahh this is the good life.
Just relax and let my mind drift.
Ahh I'll just lie back and think pleasant thoughts.
Chicken pot pie chocolate-covered raisins glazed ham ! Ohh, oh heh heh.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Ooh they think I'm crazy, but I know better.
It is not I who am crazy-- it is I who am mad ! Didn't you hear 'em ? ( voice cracking ) Didn't you see the crowds ?! Oh, my beloved ice cream bar how I love to lick your creamy center ! Awwmmf ! Awwmmf ! Awwmmf ! And your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering.
You're not like the others.
You like the same things I do.
Heh wax paper boiled football leather dog breath ! We're not hitchhiking anymore.
We're riding ! Stop it ! You're talking crazy.
( record scratch ) Oh, no-- I know what you want.
You coveted my ice cream bar ! Come on, now.
No you don't ! You can't take it from me now ! I've had this ice cream bar since I was a child ! People always trying to take it from me ! Why won't they leave me alone ?! E-easy now.
Back off, man !! Don't make me use this ! One step closer, I'm warnin' ya ! Don't make me use it ! Now you've done it.
You've forced me to use it ! ( high-pitched scraping ) Hyah ! ( screams ) I'm hurting.
You poor, crazy kid.
( thinking ) Captain's log I'm tired, so tired.
I can't believe my own partner attacked me.
Maybe if I occupy his mind with more duties, I can control his space madness ! ( Commander Hoek ) Now, listen, cadet.
I've got a job for you.
See this button ? Don't touch it ! It's the history eraser button, you fool ! So, what'll happen ? That's just it-- we don't know.
Maybe something bad maybe something good I guess we'll never know, 'cause you're going to guard it.
You won't touch it, will you ? Hee heh heh.
Hee heh heh heh.
( announcer ) Oh, how long can trusty cadet Stimpy hold out ? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his very existence ?! Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires ? Can he withstand the temptation to push the button that even now beckons him ever closer ?! Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history at the mere push of a single button ?! The beautiful, shiny button ! The jolly, candy-Like button ! Will he hold out, folks ? Can he hold out ? No, I can't !!! Aahhh ! ( alarm sounding ) Tune in next week as ( electrical surge ) ( electrical surge ) ( announcer ) New amazing product ! Hi, kids ! I start out my day with my favorite breakfast-- that's right, sugar frosted milk ! Mmm ! Smell those lumps ! Just four ounces of lumps and six ounces of cereal makes for a balanced breakfast.
( screaming ) Help ! Nooo ! Boo hoo ! And sugar frosted milk stays lumpy, even in cereal ! Mornin', sis ! Oh, boy ! Sugar frosted lumps ! Hey, who stole my lumps ?! ( ding )