The Riches s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
"Most likely to get married.
" Billy Burke and Shannon Philington.
- Farmington.
Shannon Farmington.
- And Shannon Farmington.
It was a threesome.
- "Class clown.
" - Jesse Pinkercrapper-something.
- It's Pinkerfield.
- Jesse Pinkercrapperfield.
"Best Wildcat smile.
" Penny Lynn Fuqua-Dubois III.
I thinkJimmy O'Shea's a no-show.
No, I think he's a show.
"Most likely to succeed.
" - Me? - No.
- You? - No.
- Those guys? - Dad, no.
You're not prepared.
Ed? Ed Kline? - Class Romeo.
- Uh- - Jim-Jimmy- Right, right.
- Jimmy, yeah.
Yeah.
Take it easy, huh? - Good to see you.
- Take it easy, Jimmy.
- How have you been? - Okay.
Come on, class Romeo.
Let's go find ourselves some Wildcat tail.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Oh, my God! Shannon Farmington.
- Yes.
- Remember me? - Jimmy! Yeah.
Where's-Where's Billy Burke? Billy and I don't talk.
Restraining order.
- Shame.
- It was against me.
Oh.
Remember Ed Kline? Penny Lynn Fuqua-Dubois III.
Where's your great Wildcat smile? Remember me, Jimmy? Uh- I just- I just wanted to say something.
It hasn't been easy for us Wildcats.
You know? Some have cried, some have died.
Some fought the bottle, some the spike.
Broken promises, ungrateful children a botched gastric bypass surgery and a bad dose of the clap.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to mention that.
But there are stories of redemption here.
Oh, yeah.
Stories ofhope and of triumph.
Brad Penske! Mr.
Brad Penske he has informed me that his scrap metal business has finally come out of Chapter 11.
That is good news in anyone's book.
Joe Graffa.
Joe he is an eBay power seller of hand towels.
How'd he get to be that? And Mary B.
Where- Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
She has come out of a coma, as you know.
How long were you in there? Five years.
Mary B.
, she's here today.
Give her a round of applause for taking five years off with pay and coming back.
This is brilliant.
We are America Wildcats.
We're its highs and its lows.
Its misfits, its beauty queens, its brain and its brawn.
Its master, its blaster, its soul and its gluteus maximus! - Its youngsters, its oldsters, its confined people.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- It's gettin' hot in here.
- Shit.
- Pull around back.
- I'll be there in five.
Actually, you better make it now.
Listen to your wild hearts you Wildcats 'cause we are the class of 1983! Eighty-one! Hey! That's me.
Jimmy O'Shea.
You were a hit.
You think Mom'll like the gifts? She's bound to like some of'em.
So what was that last night, Dad? "Its master and blaster"? I was on a roll.
I had them.
You saw that.
They were just there.
They were eating out of the palm of my hand.
- You almost got us busted.
- When you're in there, you just say anything.
I could have said, "Master, blaster, cheese and chipmunks.
" It doesn't matter.
They were with me.
Cael, slow down.
- Do the rules.
Rule one.
- Don't screw up.
- Rule two.
- Seriously, don't screw up.
- And rule three.
- Cash out before you pass out.
Yes.
Cael! God- Everything in the TV.
Come on! - Hurry up! - Move it! Shit! - Whose turn is it? - Cael.
- Why is it always me? - 'Cause you broke rule one! - Sammy.
- We're late for Mom.
I know, I know.
Don't worry.
You're Secret Squirrel.
Everyone, be cool.
Hey, baby! Hey! Hey! Hey! Baby! How you doin'? You look good.
Put your hands down.
Put those right there, little lady.
You know, I used to think you people were like leprechauns.
- You mean we're short? - No, no.
Green then? White.
White gypsies.
- Isn't that defamation, sir? - You're Travellers.
You know, my buddies up in New York, they still don't think you people exist.
Travellers? L-I don't think we know any Travellers, Officer.
- Sajick.
- What'd you say? - What? - Leerkey sajick.
All right, wise guy, where'd all the gifts come from? We're going to a wedding, sir.
"ToJenny from Ben and Gail.
" Which one are you, Ben or Gail? Gail.
Actually, that's my aunt and uncle from Kentucky, Officer.
- They can't walk.
- "ToJenny from Kim Wong.
" Now whose crippled aunt might she be? She's the crippled aunt of Dim Sum, sir.
What the hell's wrong with him? - Epilepsy.
Takes one in 20.
- Ow! - Got a spoon, sir? - He-He gets like this when he's stressed.
- You must have stressed him out, Officer.
- Ow! Watch it! He can't help it.
It's just a reflex.
Ow! Like hell! - Go get his medicine.
Can you give me your badge number? - My what? Badge number.
This is police brutality.
You crossed the line here.
No, no, no.
I never touched that kid.
- You brutalized him with your words.
- Ow! Ah, damn it! Holy shit.
Your people abandoned ya? You want somethin' for the road? - You want somethin'or not? - Don't talk to me.
Bye-bye! - What about the gift? - Don't worry.
I'm getting it.
Got any gifts? What kind you lookin' for? What kind you got? We got earthenware.
This is nice.
What else you got? Depends on what you're tryin' to say.
That I missed her.
What if she's still inside? She got paroled, honey.
Kinda gotta let you out if you're on parole.
AuntJessie got paroled, and she's still inside.
- AuntJessie broke parole.
- Mom! Hey.
You know your mama's classier than that.
Mmm.
So what do y'all think of my hair? It's different.
Wow.
You've grown up, girl.
Beautiful.
That's some real bad hair, Ma.
And so, my lady, your ship awaits.
Come! The good ship R.
V.
We have painted it with dust.
All aboard, including you, glum-faced child.
- What happened, Wayne? - What do you mean, baby? I'm comin' back to a heap of trash.
Had a lot on my mind.
- Where are my dishes? - They were rattling.
- It reminded me of you.
- Oh, so you sold 'em? Well, I mean, we didn't sell everything, though.
- Oh.
Open that window.
- We miss a turnoff? - Hell if I know.
- Open it.
Oh, Mom's home.
Not the candy corn! Good arm, baby.
If you see a state trooper, hit him.
Why are we livin' in squalor, Wayne? You could con the hair off a dog.
Look, I had an existential crisis, all right? Is that what you were havin' when that piece of trash backed up? Baby, it has been two years.
Is it my fault she gets all up in my face with her twins? You have no idea how hard this has been.
I was the one in jail for two years, Wayne.
All you had to face was how to be free! Pussy jail.
You played beauty school and you sat on your ass.
- Yeah.
- Come back here! - Mom, come- - Come back here! - I said don't you leave me! - Screw you, Wayne! Oh! Goddamn it! Dahlia! - Dahlia! - Everybody, come here! Sharp eyes.
Eyes on the queen.
- Where is she? - Here.
I said sharp eyes.
The ship is gone! My lady! My queen! Ow! Gift for the queen.
- We had more.
- Yeah, we got 'em off this bride in Greensboro.
"To Darlin'Jen.
Some days, you'll find this handy.
John and Meg.
" They gave her a ball? I think you-you just squeeze it.
Does it talk to you? I think it, like, relieves your stress or something.
- Yeah? - I think so.
Relieves your stress without a single line of bull.
I found me a new husband, Wayne! What else we got here? Oh, my ring.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Just freedom jitters.
Damn! - There are preacher cookies at the tent.
- Preacher cookies.
- Sweet! - Preacher cookie time is here again! There are preacher cookies at the tent.
Not hungry.
Di Di, I wanna show you something.
- Ever since you were a child, we just- - Oh! - Have a cookie! - That's disgusting! - We don't need another- - Oh! You didn't throw our child out in the rain! You don't need to take your shirt off.
- Get your pants off.
- Well- - What's taking you so long? - It's the heat.
Is that it? Well, what do you expect after two years, six weeks, three days eight hours, five minutes? Thirty-two seconds? Wow.
Look at those monkeys dancing in the rain.
You don't wanna be a monkey no more, Wayne? Huh.
Sam still wearing Di Di's old dresses? Yeah.
Yeah, he likes 'em.
Go figure.
Could be worse.
Yeah.
He could be on crack.
We do not want any more preacher cookies, thank you! Wayne, I need to talk to you! Why, Ginny Dannegan.
What a pleasant surprise.
Good news, Wayne.
We're gonna have ourselves a wedding.
You're gonna marry your brother? This is fantastic news.
- I love what you're doing for inbreeding.
- No, smart-ass! In the fall.
Our boy and your girl.
My daughter is a precious gem.
She has a mind of her own.
Your brother here is a chromosomal retard.
Yeah, well, he likes her.
I don't care if he likes her.
We don't like him.
Wow.
Your dad's lookin' out for you, huh? I'll come work for you, Mr.
Malloy.
I can do, like real good thievery.
Mmm.
What you got, Ken, is a culture of nothing.
What-What's he mean? Think you're better than everybody else, don't you, Wayne? Why don't you go and shit yourself, Ginny Dannegan.
I got powers, asshole! I could mess you up.
Why don't you talk some sense into him, huh, Dahling? You're royalty.
Oh, come on now, Ginny.
I believe my husband told you to go on and shit yourself.
You can't back out of this! Okay? It's done.
Your family promised it.
- My family ain't promised nothin' to nobody.
- Dale said it.
You got that, Your Highness? Hey, since when does Dale make the rules? - Hey, Cousin.
- Hey.
Heard I got promoted? - Oh, yeah? By who? - "By who.
"Get over here.
Oh! Feel them ribs.
They feed you in the big house? - You're skinny as an alley cat.
- Mm-hmm.
- I wanna see Earl.
- Let me see you first.
- I'm gonna go see Earl.
- Haven't changed a bit.
Oh, Earl, it's Dahlia and Wayne.
Dahlia! She's back from the pen.
Man is not a moron, Ma.
How you doin'? Uh, Daddy asked me to give these to you as a- a welcome home gift.
Oh, gosh.
Thank you, Uncle Earl.
He told you to buy her some earrings? Not in so many words, Ma.
Man can't speak, remember? I took some initiative.
Well, they're beautiful.
Welcome home, Dahl.
You got my cut? I am the one with the fingers, Wayne.
- You gonna put it in the safe or wipe your ass with it? - Be nice, boys.
Something tells me your daddy never told you the combination.
He told me how to open it, Wayne.
- What's the combination, Dale? Has it got a two in it? - Is it one of those numbers you can count up to? - Outside.
Outside! - Hey! - Enough with the damn bell, Daddy! Let us get somethin' straight here.
I am the new boss.
He is the old boss.
That man don't take a piss without my help.
You look at me when I am talkin' to you.
What the hell did you promise Ginny Dannegan? That marriage is good for the whole family.
We get in bed with the Dannegans, we are in serious koosh.
- It is good for all of us.
- It is not good for me.
- I say she marries him.
- I say you marry him.
I had her, Wayne all up in the ass! Who's this? Ginny Dannegan? - Your wife.
- Oh? Where'd all this ass-having take place? - In my room.
- Oh, your mama's room? Tell you where you had her.
In your dreams.
You lost.
I won.
Get over it.
Shit! Get your goddamn faggot son off of me! Dad! Sammy, no.
She marries him.
You got it? She marries him.
I think we won, huh? Come here.
So where are we gonna go? Life's a river, kid.
You gotta go where it takes you.
Cael? Cael? Where's Cael? - Cael? - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Where's my baby? Where's Cael? - I'm here, Mom.
- My Cael.
Where are we? Mississippi.
Mississippi? Well, if it ain't Wayne Malloy.
- How are you, Mick? - I didn't know there was any Malloys in these parts.
In Alabama, actually.
- Oh.
So you're rovin'? - Yep.
We're rovin' too.
All the O'Malleys are down in Florida.
Hey, darling.
When'd you get paroled? Linda O'Reilly? It's O'Malley, hon.
Jail'll rip you up inside, huh? Whoa! You've been rovin' pretty good, pumpin' that premium.
- Yeah, can't complain.
- I'll say you can't.
So what you been up to, crankin' paint? - Well, you know.
- You wanna come to Tupelo? We got a good livin' there.
Can use a hand.
- That town's got a butt hole as big as my head.
- Shut up, boy.
Hey, watch yourself.
Come right back.
Get outta here.
I got a little termite thing goin' on up there.
Best cash I ever made.
Get us some breakfast, baby.
So you don't wanna come to Tupelo? We're going somewhere else.
So how you doin', partner? Long time no see.
- Where you goin'? - What? Where you goin', "somewhere else"? Why don't you mind your own business, Mick? That's kinda selfish, huh, Wayne? I mean, you're pumpin' premium.
Now, uh, I offered you Tupelo.
You got somethin' better, I want in on it.
- You want in on it? - I want in on it.
You want in on this? Shit, Wayne.
Get one of these glue guns and pump the termites right into the wood.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Wayne.
- Sam.
- I gave you a 20, okay? You gave her a 10, boy.
Come on! Wayne! Wayne! Go on, go on, go on! Get in! - Goddamn it! Cael, don't you shut that door! - Get in, Cael! Cael, no! No! God, you piece of shit! - Dahlia! Dahlia, wait! - Move! No! No! - Dad, don't hit her.
- Move it! - Wayne, no! You stop! - What the hell? Goddamn it! - Where are we goin', Wayne? - What happened to your face? - Where are we goin'? - What did you do, Dad? Shut up, all of ya! Look, Dale and I had a disagreement.
I decided to spend a few days away.
- They were having a party for me.
- Yeah, well, the party's over.
- It is my family, Wayne.
- This is your family! - You're bleeding.
- Get out of the way.
- Mom! - Get out of the way.
You know what? You gotta take me back.
I'm on parole.
- Take off those earrings! - No, it's my goddamn birthstone! - Oh, shit! - Take 'em off! Whoa! - What the hell! - Wayne, goddamn it, pull over! - You're crazy! - Dahlia, make him stop! - Wayne, you hear me? God, you piece of shit! - Son of a bitch! - Pull over now! - Are you crazy? You're in the wrong lane, asshole! Dahlia! Dahlia! - He's crazy, Dad.
- You're crazy! Pull over, Wayne! You hear me? Get down! He's got a gun! Stay down, kids.
Just stay down.
- Pull over! - Pull over, Wayne! - You're insane! Shoot me! Oh, my God! - Mick! Look out! - Shit! Stop! Oh, my God, Mick! - Is she hurt? - No, she's fine.
- What about me? Am I hurt? - Uh, yeah, a bit.
- You got coverage? - What? You got insurance? Uh- - Just-Just- - Give me my cell phone.
Just don't move.
You got a big piece of wood sticking in your chest.
I'm sorry.
Do you have something to say? Go to hell.
She's breathing! She's breathing! She's not breathing, Ma.
You're breathing for both of you.
Cael, strip the car.
Good evening, sir.
Who are you here to see? Pull around the back.
All right, can we go now? Well, it's a long way back to the woods.
So? So I say we stay the night.
You're sleepin' out here, huh? Yeah.
You people wanna wake up with no soul, that's your problem, not mine.
Just a superstition, Cael.
The only thing you're gonna wake up with is pneumonia.
What do you think they were like? - Who? - Them.
They were buffers, Di.
Beginning, middle, end.
Scared me every night.
What? Waking up without a soul.
Every time the guards turned down the lights- How long we gonna stay away? Should have been me.
No shit, it should have been you.
But it wasn't you, was it, Wayne? It was me.
- Mr.
Rich? - Huh? Is this Mr.
Douglas Rich? Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
Master bedroom, ma'am? No, you can leave it down here.
Right there.
Told you we should stick around.
Doug? Doug! - Hello.
- I'm Jim.
- This is my wife, Nina.
- Hi.
- Andrea said we should introduce ourselves.
- Right.
- Which Andrea are we talking about? - Your Realtor.
- Ah.
- She sold us ours too.
They look friendly.
They're always friendly to your face.
Hey, Delilah.
- Come and meet our new neighbors.
- Hi there, sweetheart.
Oh, I bet you miss your Tampa friends.
- My what? - Your friends from Tampa, girl.
Tell 'em about your friends.
I don't have any friends.
They're dead.
She's brokenhearted.
Left behind a special Tampa guy.
Oh.
Well, it was great to meet you, Doug but I gotta get goin' or I'm gonna be late.
Jim's never late.
He has an 18-hole addiction.
- Oh.
- She means golf.
Oh.
Well- Oh, it looks like you got the habit yourself.
Yeah, I'm an 18-hole sinner, Jim.
Love the little suckers like my children.
Well, why don't you come along? - Kind of chatty there, ain't you, Wayne? - Just shootin'the shit, hon.
Yeah, it's a little too much shit if you ask me.
Doug's dead and judging by the conversation I just had, no one knows him here.
- What about the Realtor? - She never met the man.
He bought the place on the Internet.
We will leave tonight.
But right now, Dougie is gonna do a little golf.
What's he doin'now? Apparently, he's gonna play golf.
Easy par four.
You can even birdie this hole.
- It's about a- - Oh! Who let the riffraff in? - I don't know you, do I? - Oh, I'm with, uh- You mean old sand trap here? Doug, meet Hugh Panetta, biggest asshole east of the Mississippi.
You flatter me, Jim.
How's that 30 handicap comin' along? So what do you do when you're not pissin'on my golf course, Doug? I'm a lawyer, Hugh.
- Liar, huh? - A lawyer.
That what I just said? Where'd you go to liar school? Georgetown, class of'88.
Summa cum later, Hugh.
Well, it's a small world.
Bill's a liar, Raymond's a liar.
I hear liars pull it left.
How do you pull it, Doug? - I'm not your average liar, Hugh.
- Oh! Here we go, here we go.
- What do you say, boys? Hundred bucks a hole? - Hundred bucks sounds great.
- That's a hell of a golf shot there.
- Thank you, Hugh.
I'd like to introduce the best man, Mike Pinello, once again.
He and Doug were roommates in college and he has a few words ofhis own he'd like to add to this wonderful ceremony.
"I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form.
'Come in,' she said.
'I'll give you shelter from the storm.
"' Doug, Cherien may you give each other shelter in the rainy storm oflife.
Yeah! Come on, baby.
Come on.
That's nice.
That's nice.
That's good.
I won't shoot up no more.
Come on.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Come on.
Jesus, don't.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
God! I want it! Oh, shit.
Where is it? Where is it? No.
No! No! Hey, there! Damn it! Hi, there.
You must be Cherien.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Did you hurt your hand? - Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- No.
Honey.
Oh, look at that.
Oh.
You got locked out, and you hurt your hand.
I got locked out, and I hurt my hand.
Oh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Here's a little trick I learned.
Where, I don't want to say.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
Please don't go in there.
How bad can it be? I was lookin'for my-my toaster.
You are doin' one hell of a job, Dana.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Um- Ah, thank you.
What do you say, double or nothin' next week? Sure.
Hell of a shot on 18, Doug.
Ah.
My name is Dahlia.
Huh.
So not Cherien? It's my middle name.
Are you scared, Dahlia? Moving to a new place can be hard.
Yeah, a little bit.
Here.
This should get you through.
You're gonna like it here in Edenfalls.
Good roads, good schools.
Hell, even money grows on lawn chairs here.
Hey, sugarplum.
I didn't know, Dale.
I swear I didn't know.
Didn't know what? I'll bring the money back to you.
We got-We got a lot of good stuff here.
I'll bring it back to you.
I'm gonna make it up to you, Dale.
It ain't about the money, Dahl.
A trust has been broken.
There is a rift.
I mean, I heard of people double-crossing each other but what kind of monster steals the family bank? Think about it.
That is subhuman behavior.
- Do you hear what I'm telling you? - You know, I-I know, Dale.
Do you hear what I am telling you? What can I do? Well, you could start by leavin' him.
Well, he won't do it again, on my honor.
It's over, hon.
Your name don't mean much anymore.
- No, my name- - Is shit! Every family from here to Canada knows what you did.
So why don't you just tell me where you are.
On my honor, I'll be gentle.
You and the kids can wait outside.
Please.
I can't do that, Dale.
Then we cut you out like a cancer.
Would you like that, Dahl? This life we're living, we can't do it anymore.
And what life do you want to live, Wayne? I don't know.
You should have thought of that before you took the money maybe.
Maybe.
- Let me take it back.
- It's over.
Let me take it back to him.
I'll just say you dropped it or you got scared to face him or some shit, and I'll work on him.
Let me work on him.
I'll find a way.
You know I know how- - Shut up! - Don't you dare tell me to shut up! I am barely out ofjail! I've broken my parole, and I'm livin'in some dead guy's house! I am not some asshole.
You understand? I am not nothing! I wasn't born to eat his shit! I wasn't born to follow rules! What were you born for, Wayne? An unconsidered life is not worth living! Well, I was born to make my life worth living! And how are you gonna do that, Wayne? Huh? I love you.
I chose you because you're not nothin'.
God, I dreamed of you every night! What do you wanna do? You wanna pretend to be the dead guy? Is that what you want? You wanna wear his suits, and you want me to be his dead wife? Yeah? You ripped me out of everything that I know! What are you givin' in return? What life do you want us to live? We're goin' home.
- Home? - She means camp.
- What about Dad? - Your dad's staying here.
You're staying here? - Fine.
I'm staying here too.
- Don't be stupid.
Go with your mother.
She doesn't give a shit about me.
I'm staying here.
Run into more trouble, we'll just find ourselves some more dead buffers.
- Stop it, Di Di.
- Come on, baby.
No! I said I'm staying.
Don't push me.
I know more than you think.
I don't need much, but I need you.
Now, who buys a house on the Internet? - A rich man.
- The microwave's cool.
Yeah, don't forget all the dead buffers in the freezer.
- They're very, very cool.
- Shut up, Cael.
- What about his job? - What about it? - Someone's gonna come lookin' for him.
- Maybe he's a spy.
- Maybe he's an astronaut.
- People don't move into nothin', Wayne.
People have people.
They got bosses, friends, enemies.
You gonna tell me no one's comin' through them doors tomorrow? I don't know who's coming through those doors tomorrow.
All I know is who's in here today.
If Dale shows up looking for us, here's gonna be safer than the roads.
No, no, not if we give back the money.
We're not giving back the money.
We're not giving back the money.
Oh, come on, Ma! - We're investing it.
- In what? Stocks? Yeah, Cael.
We're gonna buy low to mid cap annuities.
Okay, what are we investing in, Dad? We're investing in us.
Okay, I'm confused.
I don't get it.
What's the angle here? - How are we bleedin' 'em? - We're not bleeding anyone.
- Oh, we're not? Then what are we doing here, Dad? - The American dream.
- What? We're gonna steal it.
What does that mean, Dad? Means we're gonna live, Cael.
- We're gonna what? - Gonna live! People do it all the time, honey.
- So we what? We just live? - That's the idea.
- Like buffers? - Like buffers.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Hey, Doug.
Conner.
Too many lawyers? - Oh, God, no.
- What firm you with? - I'm not a lawyer, Doug.
- Developer then? Well, of young minds, I like to think.
I teach modern poetry at L.
S.
U.
Poetry.
Hmm.
"They miss the whisper "that runs any day in your mind: "'Who are you really, wanderer? ' "And the answer you have to give "no matter how dark and cold the world around you is: 'Maybe I'm a king.
"'
" Billy Burke and Shannon Philington.
- Farmington.
Shannon Farmington.
- And Shannon Farmington.
It was a threesome.
- "Class clown.
" - Jesse Pinkercrapper-something.
- It's Pinkerfield.
- Jesse Pinkercrapperfield.
"Best Wildcat smile.
" Penny Lynn Fuqua-Dubois III.
I thinkJimmy O'Shea's a no-show.
No, I think he's a show.
"Most likely to succeed.
" - Me? - No.
- You? - No.
- Those guys? - Dad, no.
You're not prepared.
Ed? Ed Kline? - Class Romeo.
- Uh- - Jim-Jimmy- Right, right.
- Jimmy, yeah.
Yeah.
Take it easy, huh? - Good to see you.
- Take it easy, Jimmy.
- How have you been? - Okay.
Come on, class Romeo.
Let's go find ourselves some Wildcat tail.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- Oh, my God! Shannon Farmington.
- Yes.
- Remember me? - Jimmy! Yeah.
Where's-Where's Billy Burke? Billy and I don't talk.
Restraining order.
- Shame.
- It was against me.
Oh.
Remember Ed Kline? Penny Lynn Fuqua-Dubois III.
Where's your great Wildcat smile? Remember me, Jimmy? Uh- I just- I just wanted to say something.
It hasn't been easy for us Wildcats.
You know? Some have cried, some have died.
Some fought the bottle, some the spike.
Broken promises, ungrateful children a botched gastric bypass surgery and a bad dose of the clap.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to mention that.
But there are stories of redemption here.
Oh, yeah.
Stories ofhope and of triumph.
Brad Penske! Mr.
Brad Penske he has informed me that his scrap metal business has finally come out of Chapter 11.
That is good news in anyone's book.
Joe Graffa.
Joe he is an eBay power seller of hand towels.
How'd he get to be that? And Mary B.
Where- Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
She has come out of a coma, as you know.
How long were you in there? Five years.
Mary B.
, she's here today.
Give her a round of applause for taking five years off with pay and coming back.
This is brilliant.
We are America Wildcats.
We're its highs and its lows.
Its misfits, its beauty queens, its brain and its brawn.
Its master, its blaster, its soul and its gluteus maximus! - Its youngsters, its oldsters, its confined people.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- It's gettin' hot in here.
- Shit.
- Pull around back.
- I'll be there in five.
Actually, you better make it now.
Listen to your wild hearts you Wildcats 'cause we are the class of 1983! Eighty-one! Hey! That's me.
Jimmy O'Shea.
You were a hit.
You think Mom'll like the gifts? She's bound to like some of'em.
So what was that last night, Dad? "Its master and blaster"? I was on a roll.
I had them.
You saw that.
They were just there.
They were eating out of the palm of my hand.
- You almost got us busted.
- When you're in there, you just say anything.
I could have said, "Master, blaster, cheese and chipmunks.
" It doesn't matter.
They were with me.
Cael, slow down.
- Do the rules.
Rule one.
- Don't screw up.
- Rule two.
- Seriously, don't screw up.
- And rule three.
- Cash out before you pass out.
Yes.
Cael! God- Everything in the TV.
Come on! - Hurry up! - Move it! Shit! - Whose turn is it? - Cael.
- Why is it always me? - 'Cause you broke rule one! - Sammy.
- We're late for Mom.
I know, I know.
Don't worry.
You're Secret Squirrel.
Everyone, be cool.
Hey, baby! Hey! Hey! Hey! Baby! How you doin'? You look good.
Put your hands down.
Put those right there, little lady.
You know, I used to think you people were like leprechauns.
- You mean we're short? - No, no.
Green then? White.
White gypsies.
- Isn't that defamation, sir? - You're Travellers.
You know, my buddies up in New York, they still don't think you people exist.
Travellers? L-I don't think we know any Travellers, Officer.
- Sajick.
- What'd you say? - What? - Leerkey sajick.
All right, wise guy, where'd all the gifts come from? We're going to a wedding, sir.
"ToJenny from Ben and Gail.
" Which one are you, Ben or Gail? Gail.
Actually, that's my aunt and uncle from Kentucky, Officer.
- They can't walk.
- "ToJenny from Kim Wong.
" Now whose crippled aunt might she be? She's the crippled aunt of Dim Sum, sir.
What the hell's wrong with him? - Epilepsy.
Takes one in 20.
- Ow! - Got a spoon, sir? - He-He gets like this when he's stressed.
- You must have stressed him out, Officer.
- Ow! Watch it! He can't help it.
It's just a reflex.
Ow! Like hell! - Go get his medicine.
Can you give me your badge number? - My what? Badge number.
This is police brutality.
You crossed the line here.
No, no, no.
I never touched that kid.
- You brutalized him with your words.
- Ow! Ah, damn it! Holy shit.
Your people abandoned ya? You want somethin' for the road? - You want somethin'or not? - Don't talk to me.
Bye-bye! - What about the gift? - Don't worry.
I'm getting it.
Got any gifts? What kind you lookin' for? What kind you got? We got earthenware.
This is nice.
What else you got? Depends on what you're tryin' to say.
That I missed her.
What if she's still inside? She got paroled, honey.
Kinda gotta let you out if you're on parole.
AuntJessie got paroled, and she's still inside.
- AuntJessie broke parole.
- Mom! Hey.
You know your mama's classier than that.
Mmm.
So what do y'all think of my hair? It's different.
Wow.
You've grown up, girl.
Beautiful.
That's some real bad hair, Ma.
And so, my lady, your ship awaits.
Come! The good ship R.
V.
We have painted it with dust.
All aboard, including you, glum-faced child.
- What happened, Wayne? - What do you mean, baby? I'm comin' back to a heap of trash.
Had a lot on my mind.
- Where are my dishes? - They were rattling.
- It reminded me of you.
- Oh, so you sold 'em? Well, I mean, we didn't sell everything, though.
- Oh.
Open that window.
- We miss a turnoff? - Hell if I know.
- Open it.
Oh, Mom's home.
Not the candy corn! Good arm, baby.
If you see a state trooper, hit him.
Why are we livin' in squalor, Wayne? You could con the hair off a dog.
Look, I had an existential crisis, all right? Is that what you were havin' when that piece of trash backed up? Baby, it has been two years.
Is it my fault she gets all up in my face with her twins? You have no idea how hard this has been.
I was the one in jail for two years, Wayne.
All you had to face was how to be free! Pussy jail.
You played beauty school and you sat on your ass.
- Yeah.
- Come back here! - Mom, come- - Come back here! - I said don't you leave me! - Screw you, Wayne! Oh! Goddamn it! Dahlia! - Dahlia! - Everybody, come here! Sharp eyes.
Eyes on the queen.
- Where is she? - Here.
I said sharp eyes.
The ship is gone! My lady! My queen! Ow! Gift for the queen.
- We had more.
- Yeah, we got 'em off this bride in Greensboro.
"To Darlin'Jen.
Some days, you'll find this handy.
John and Meg.
" They gave her a ball? I think you-you just squeeze it.
Does it talk to you? I think it, like, relieves your stress or something.
- Yeah? - I think so.
Relieves your stress without a single line of bull.
I found me a new husband, Wayne! What else we got here? Oh, my ring.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Just freedom jitters.
Damn! - There are preacher cookies at the tent.
- Preacher cookies.
- Sweet! - Preacher cookie time is here again! There are preacher cookies at the tent.
Not hungry.
Di Di, I wanna show you something.
- Ever since you were a child, we just- - Oh! - Have a cookie! - That's disgusting! - We don't need another- - Oh! You didn't throw our child out in the rain! You don't need to take your shirt off.
- Get your pants off.
- Well- - What's taking you so long? - It's the heat.
Is that it? Well, what do you expect after two years, six weeks, three days eight hours, five minutes? Thirty-two seconds? Wow.
Look at those monkeys dancing in the rain.
You don't wanna be a monkey no more, Wayne? Huh.
Sam still wearing Di Di's old dresses? Yeah.
Yeah, he likes 'em.
Go figure.
Could be worse.
Yeah.
He could be on crack.
We do not want any more preacher cookies, thank you! Wayne, I need to talk to you! Why, Ginny Dannegan.
What a pleasant surprise.
Good news, Wayne.
We're gonna have ourselves a wedding.
You're gonna marry your brother? This is fantastic news.
- I love what you're doing for inbreeding.
- No, smart-ass! In the fall.
Our boy and your girl.
My daughter is a precious gem.
She has a mind of her own.
Your brother here is a chromosomal retard.
Yeah, well, he likes her.
I don't care if he likes her.
We don't like him.
Wow.
Your dad's lookin' out for you, huh? I'll come work for you, Mr.
Malloy.
I can do, like real good thievery.
Mmm.
What you got, Ken, is a culture of nothing.
What-What's he mean? Think you're better than everybody else, don't you, Wayne? Why don't you go and shit yourself, Ginny Dannegan.
I got powers, asshole! I could mess you up.
Why don't you talk some sense into him, huh, Dahling? You're royalty.
Oh, come on now, Ginny.
I believe my husband told you to go on and shit yourself.
You can't back out of this! Okay? It's done.
Your family promised it.
- My family ain't promised nothin' to nobody.
- Dale said it.
You got that, Your Highness? Hey, since when does Dale make the rules? - Hey, Cousin.
- Hey.
Heard I got promoted? - Oh, yeah? By who? - "By who.
"Get over here.
Oh! Feel them ribs.
They feed you in the big house? - You're skinny as an alley cat.
- Mm-hmm.
- I wanna see Earl.
- Let me see you first.
- I'm gonna go see Earl.
- Haven't changed a bit.
Oh, Earl, it's Dahlia and Wayne.
Dahlia! She's back from the pen.
Man is not a moron, Ma.
How you doin'? Uh, Daddy asked me to give these to you as a- a welcome home gift.
Oh, gosh.
Thank you, Uncle Earl.
He told you to buy her some earrings? Not in so many words, Ma.
Man can't speak, remember? I took some initiative.
Well, they're beautiful.
Welcome home, Dahl.
You got my cut? I am the one with the fingers, Wayne.
- You gonna put it in the safe or wipe your ass with it? - Be nice, boys.
Something tells me your daddy never told you the combination.
He told me how to open it, Wayne.
- What's the combination, Dale? Has it got a two in it? - Is it one of those numbers you can count up to? - Outside.
Outside! - Hey! - Enough with the damn bell, Daddy! Let us get somethin' straight here.
I am the new boss.
He is the old boss.
That man don't take a piss without my help.
You look at me when I am talkin' to you.
What the hell did you promise Ginny Dannegan? That marriage is good for the whole family.
We get in bed with the Dannegans, we are in serious koosh.
- It is good for all of us.
- It is not good for me.
- I say she marries him.
- I say you marry him.
I had her, Wayne all up in the ass! Who's this? Ginny Dannegan? - Your wife.
- Oh? Where'd all this ass-having take place? - In my room.
- Oh, your mama's room? Tell you where you had her.
In your dreams.
You lost.
I won.
Get over it.
Shit! Get your goddamn faggot son off of me! Dad! Sammy, no.
She marries him.
You got it? She marries him.
I think we won, huh? Come here.
So where are we gonna go? Life's a river, kid.
You gotta go where it takes you.
Cael? Cael? Where's Cael? - Cael? - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Where's my baby? Where's Cael? - I'm here, Mom.
- My Cael.
Where are we? Mississippi.
Mississippi? Well, if it ain't Wayne Malloy.
- How are you, Mick? - I didn't know there was any Malloys in these parts.
In Alabama, actually.
- Oh.
So you're rovin'? - Yep.
We're rovin' too.
All the O'Malleys are down in Florida.
Hey, darling.
When'd you get paroled? Linda O'Reilly? It's O'Malley, hon.
Jail'll rip you up inside, huh? Whoa! You've been rovin' pretty good, pumpin' that premium.
- Yeah, can't complain.
- I'll say you can't.
So what you been up to, crankin' paint? - Well, you know.
- You wanna come to Tupelo? We got a good livin' there.
Can use a hand.
- That town's got a butt hole as big as my head.
- Shut up, boy.
Hey, watch yourself.
Come right back.
Get outta here.
I got a little termite thing goin' on up there.
Best cash I ever made.
Get us some breakfast, baby.
So you don't wanna come to Tupelo? We're going somewhere else.
So how you doin', partner? Long time no see.
- Where you goin'? - What? Where you goin', "somewhere else"? Why don't you mind your own business, Mick? That's kinda selfish, huh, Wayne? I mean, you're pumpin' premium.
Now, uh, I offered you Tupelo.
You got somethin' better, I want in on it.
- You want in on it? - I want in on it.
You want in on this? Shit, Wayne.
Get one of these glue guns and pump the termites right into the wood.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, Wayne.
- Sam.
- I gave you a 20, okay? You gave her a 10, boy.
Come on! Wayne! Wayne! Go on, go on, go on! Get in! - Goddamn it! Cael, don't you shut that door! - Get in, Cael! Cael, no! No! God, you piece of shit! - Dahlia! Dahlia, wait! - Move! No! No! - Dad, don't hit her.
- Move it! - Wayne, no! You stop! - What the hell? Goddamn it! - Where are we goin', Wayne? - What happened to your face? - Where are we goin'? - What did you do, Dad? Shut up, all of ya! Look, Dale and I had a disagreement.
I decided to spend a few days away.
- They were having a party for me.
- Yeah, well, the party's over.
- It is my family, Wayne.
- This is your family! - You're bleeding.
- Get out of the way.
- Mom! - Get out of the way.
You know what? You gotta take me back.
I'm on parole.
- Take off those earrings! - No, it's my goddamn birthstone! - Oh, shit! - Take 'em off! Whoa! - What the hell! - Wayne, goddamn it, pull over! - You're crazy! - Dahlia, make him stop! - Wayne, you hear me? God, you piece of shit! - Son of a bitch! - Pull over now! - Are you crazy? You're in the wrong lane, asshole! Dahlia! Dahlia! - He's crazy, Dad.
- You're crazy! Pull over, Wayne! You hear me? Get down! He's got a gun! Stay down, kids.
Just stay down.
- Pull over! - Pull over, Wayne! - You're insane! Shoot me! Oh, my God! - Mick! Look out! - Shit! Stop! Oh, my God, Mick! - Is she hurt? - No, she's fine.
- What about me? Am I hurt? - Uh, yeah, a bit.
- You got coverage? - What? You got insurance? Uh- - Just-Just- - Give me my cell phone.
Just don't move.
You got a big piece of wood sticking in your chest.
I'm sorry.
Do you have something to say? Go to hell.
She's breathing! She's breathing! She's not breathing, Ma.
You're breathing for both of you.
Cael, strip the car.
Good evening, sir.
Who are you here to see? Pull around the back.
All right, can we go now? Well, it's a long way back to the woods.
So? So I say we stay the night.
You're sleepin' out here, huh? Yeah.
You people wanna wake up with no soul, that's your problem, not mine.
Just a superstition, Cael.
The only thing you're gonna wake up with is pneumonia.
What do you think they were like? - Who? - Them.
They were buffers, Di.
Beginning, middle, end.
Scared me every night.
What? Waking up without a soul.
Every time the guards turned down the lights- How long we gonna stay away? Should have been me.
No shit, it should have been you.
But it wasn't you, was it, Wayne? It was me.
- Mr.
Rich? - Huh? Is this Mr.
Douglas Rich? Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
Master bedroom, ma'am? No, you can leave it down here.
Right there.
Told you we should stick around.
Doug? Doug! - Hello.
- I'm Jim.
- This is my wife, Nina.
- Hi.
- Andrea said we should introduce ourselves.
- Right.
- Which Andrea are we talking about? - Your Realtor.
- Ah.
- She sold us ours too.
They look friendly.
They're always friendly to your face.
Hey, Delilah.
- Come and meet our new neighbors.
- Hi there, sweetheart.
Oh, I bet you miss your Tampa friends.
- My what? - Your friends from Tampa, girl.
Tell 'em about your friends.
I don't have any friends.
They're dead.
She's brokenhearted.
Left behind a special Tampa guy.
Oh.
Well, it was great to meet you, Doug but I gotta get goin' or I'm gonna be late.
Jim's never late.
He has an 18-hole addiction.
- Oh.
- She means golf.
Oh.
Well- Oh, it looks like you got the habit yourself.
Yeah, I'm an 18-hole sinner, Jim.
Love the little suckers like my children.
Well, why don't you come along? - Kind of chatty there, ain't you, Wayne? - Just shootin'the shit, hon.
Yeah, it's a little too much shit if you ask me.
Doug's dead and judging by the conversation I just had, no one knows him here.
- What about the Realtor? - She never met the man.
He bought the place on the Internet.
We will leave tonight.
But right now, Dougie is gonna do a little golf.
What's he doin'now? Apparently, he's gonna play golf.
Easy par four.
You can even birdie this hole.
- It's about a- - Oh! Who let the riffraff in? - I don't know you, do I? - Oh, I'm with, uh- You mean old sand trap here? Doug, meet Hugh Panetta, biggest asshole east of the Mississippi.
You flatter me, Jim.
How's that 30 handicap comin' along? So what do you do when you're not pissin'on my golf course, Doug? I'm a lawyer, Hugh.
- Liar, huh? - A lawyer.
That what I just said? Where'd you go to liar school? Georgetown, class of'88.
Summa cum later, Hugh.
Well, it's a small world.
Bill's a liar, Raymond's a liar.
I hear liars pull it left.
How do you pull it, Doug? - I'm not your average liar, Hugh.
- Oh! Here we go, here we go.
- What do you say, boys? Hundred bucks a hole? - Hundred bucks sounds great.
- That's a hell of a golf shot there.
- Thank you, Hugh.
I'd like to introduce the best man, Mike Pinello, once again.
He and Doug were roommates in college and he has a few words ofhis own he'd like to add to this wonderful ceremony.
"I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form.
'Come in,' she said.
'I'll give you shelter from the storm.
"' Doug, Cherien may you give each other shelter in the rainy storm oflife.
Yeah! Come on, baby.
Come on.
That's nice.
That's nice.
That's good.
I won't shoot up no more.
Come on.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Come on.
Jesus, don't.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
God! I want it! Oh, shit.
Where is it? Where is it? No.
No! No! Hey, there! Damn it! Hi, there.
You must be Cherien.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Did you hurt your hand? - Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- No.
Honey.
Oh, look at that.
Oh.
You got locked out, and you hurt your hand.
I got locked out, and I hurt my hand.
Oh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Here's a little trick I learned.
Where, I don't want to say.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
Please don't go in there.
How bad can it be? I was lookin'for my-my toaster.
You are doin' one hell of a job, Dana.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Um- Ah, thank you.
What do you say, double or nothin' next week? Sure.
Hell of a shot on 18, Doug.
Ah.
My name is Dahlia.
Huh.
So not Cherien? It's my middle name.
Are you scared, Dahlia? Moving to a new place can be hard.
Yeah, a little bit.
Here.
This should get you through.
You're gonna like it here in Edenfalls.
Good roads, good schools.
Hell, even money grows on lawn chairs here.
Hey, sugarplum.
I didn't know, Dale.
I swear I didn't know.
Didn't know what? I'll bring the money back to you.
We got-We got a lot of good stuff here.
I'll bring it back to you.
I'm gonna make it up to you, Dale.
It ain't about the money, Dahl.
A trust has been broken.
There is a rift.
I mean, I heard of people double-crossing each other but what kind of monster steals the family bank? Think about it.
That is subhuman behavior.
- Do you hear what I'm telling you? - You know, I-I know, Dale.
Do you hear what I am telling you? What can I do? Well, you could start by leavin' him.
Well, he won't do it again, on my honor.
It's over, hon.
Your name don't mean much anymore.
- No, my name- - Is shit! Every family from here to Canada knows what you did.
So why don't you just tell me where you are.
On my honor, I'll be gentle.
You and the kids can wait outside.
Please.
I can't do that, Dale.
Then we cut you out like a cancer.
Would you like that, Dahl? This life we're living, we can't do it anymore.
And what life do you want to live, Wayne? I don't know.
You should have thought of that before you took the money maybe.
Maybe.
- Let me take it back.
- It's over.
Let me take it back to him.
I'll just say you dropped it or you got scared to face him or some shit, and I'll work on him.
Let me work on him.
I'll find a way.
You know I know how- - Shut up! - Don't you dare tell me to shut up! I am barely out ofjail! I've broken my parole, and I'm livin'in some dead guy's house! I am not some asshole.
You understand? I am not nothing! I wasn't born to eat his shit! I wasn't born to follow rules! What were you born for, Wayne? An unconsidered life is not worth living! Well, I was born to make my life worth living! And how are you gonna do that, Wayne? Huh? I love you.
I chose you because you're not nothin'.
God, I dreamed of you every night! What do you wanna do? You wanna pretend to be the dead guy? Is that what you want? You wanna wear his suits, and you want me to be his dead wife? Yeah? You ripped me out of everything that I know! What are you givin' in return? What life do you want us to live? We're goin' home.
- Home? - She means camp.
- What about Dad? - Your dad's staying here.
You're staying here? - Fine.
I'm staying here too.
- Don't be stupid.
Go with your mother.
She doesn't give a shit about me.
I'm staying here.
Run into more trouble, we'll just find ourselves some more dead buffers.
- Stop it, Di Di.
- Come on, baby.
No! I said I'm staying.
Don't push me.
I know more than you think.
I don't need much, but I need you.
Now, who buys a house on the Internet? - A rich man.
- The microwave's cool.
Yeah, don't forget all the dead buffers in the freezer.
- They're very, very cool.
- Shut up, Cael.
- What about his job? - What about it? - Someone's gonna come lookin' for him.
- Maybe he's a spy.
- Maybe he's an astronaut.
- People don't move into nothin', Wayne.
People have people.
They got bosses, friends, enemies.
You gonna tell me no one's comin' through them doors tomorrow? I don't know who's coming through those doors tomorrow.
All I know is who's in here today.
If Dale shows up looking for us, here's gonna be safer than the roads.
No, no, not if we give back the money.
We're not giving back the money.
We're not giving back the money.
Oh, come on, Ma! - We're investing it.
- In what? Stocks? Yeah, Cael.
We're gonna buy low to mid cap annuities.
Okay, what are we investing in, Dad? We're investing in us.
Okay, I'm confused.
I don't get it.
What's the angle here? - How are we bleedin' 'em? - We're not bleeding anyone.
- Oh, we're not? Then what are we doing here, Dad? - The American dream.
- What? We're gonna steal it.
What does that mean, Dad? Means we're gonna live, Cael.
- We're gonna what? - Gonna live! People do it all the time, honey.
- So we what? We just live? - That's the idea.
- Like buffers? - Like buffers.
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Hey, Doug.
Conner.
Too many lawyers? - Oh, God, no.
- What firm you with? - I'm not a lawyer, Doug.
- Developer then? Well, of young minds, I like to think.
I teach modern poetry at L.
S.
U.
Poetry.
Hmm.
"They miss the whisper "that runs any day in your mind: "'Who are you really, wanderer? ' "And the answer you have to give "no matter how dark and cold the world around you is: 'Maybe I'm a king.
"'