The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s02e06 Episode Script
Kidneys
Announcer:For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen merchant and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello.
- And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
What's been going on? What's been going on? I've been to hospital.
I was rushed to hospital, right? Emergency and that.
I had a, uh, tube put up me knob.
- You had a tube put up your knob? - Yeah.
- What's the story? - Uh, kidney stones.
- Oof.
- So shouldn't really be here, to be honest, doing this.
He said rest and that.
Climbing them stairs on the way in was To be quite honest, it doesn't look like you expend a lot of energy at the moment.
It's like a zookeeper going, "Oh, that sloth moved today.
" "Calm down!" Yeah, but I had to get here.
It's been raining.
- Yeah? - I had to come up the stairs.
I had to carry the computer.
- Yeah? - Well, that's not entirely true 'cause your girlfriend was carrying it.
I saw her, actually.
Yeah, but I'm just saying Then you handed it to me and said, "Steve, carry this.
" - God almighty.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's already a lie.
- Christ almighty.
- Whinging.
- I'm not whinging.
I'm in show business.
I know loads of people that wake up every day with a sore knob, feeling like they've had their kidneys probed.
And they you know they would say they were unconscious.
So they didn't whinge about it.
They get straight back on to it.
They, you know a lot of them are on TV now.
Yeah, straight back to hosting game shows.
So you were rushed to hospital? So take us through the Take us through the events 'cause it does sound quite dramatic.
You started feeling a bit of pain, did you, initially? I felt a bit of pain.
I thought, you know, maybe I just pulled a muscle or something when I've been wrestling with Ricky and that.
'Cause you don't know what damage is being done.
So I just think it'll go in a minute.
And then it didn't.
It got a bit badder.
- It got badder, did it? - So then I thought - Got a bit badder.
- Oh dear.
So then I thought I was crippled.
I was lying on the floor in agony, looking on the Internet.
Looking for Still looking up monkey news? I just put in like "bellyache" and stuff and they were saying it can be loads of different things.
Um, and I What I used to do when I was a kid, I used to always just get a cold ashtray and put that on me belly.
And the coldness used to get rid of the badness.
- Amazing.
- The coldness got rid Was that like a witch doctor? Ha! Yeah, there you go.
Yeah yeah.
This is this is like a witch doctor that happens to work in a pub.
It's like it's some sort of fifth-century remedy written in mud.
"Coldness doth get away with the badness.
" - Oh! - Why specifically an ashtray? Just 'cause they were they sort of hold cold.
They're old cold? What? I don't know what this is.
It's I love this idea that he's He's had the operation and he comes around and they're talking to him.
And his girlfriend gets a phone call and they say, "Mr.
Pilkington's may be complications.
He's talking rubbish.
" She goes, "Oh good!" "Yeah, he's back to his old self.
" What what what Why specifically an ashtray? Sorry, 'cause it's old cold.
- I understand it's old cold.
- 'Cause earlier we understand Everyone who's done a medical degree understands old cold.
But but, uh "Old old cold belly badness.
" "Do you wanna buy that book, 'old cold belly badness'? It's the history of abdominal surgery by Karl Pilkington.
" No, it just you know But do you put it in the freezer or something first? You can do if you want, but they're normally cold anyway.
Sort of thick glass and that, it holds the cold.
But we don't smoke in our house, so I had to use a plate.
Oh well, that's madness.
A plate's not gonna work.
Famously a plate doesn't work.
Oh my God, no.
No.
So you put a a a You put a plate on your belly, but that didn't do anything.
- Yeah, no - That didn't work.
So I called Suzanne and said, "Oh, I'm in agony, yeah.
" She said, "Go to the doctor's then.
" Good advice.
A lot of people would have done that straightaway as opposed to going through the plate, - ashtray.
- Ashtray and plate! So he went to hospital and they went to hospital and he said, "Have you got an ashtray?" - Go and fetch me an ashtray.
- "This is no smoking.
" So anyway, so then we get in a cab and what have you, go there.
I have an X-ray.
His voice is even more boring than usual, isn't it? - It's extraordinary, isn't it? - Fuck me.
And they put me on a drip and everything, gave me some morphine and stuff and found out that I had kidney stones.
So that's why I was in hospital.
And they get 'em out by I can't even I don't know what's going on, to be honest.
- Come on.
- I've got some tube inside me from me kidney to me bladder that's helping me stuff get about.
And so there's a little tube up the end of your knob - into your? - Yeah, it's not there now.
It's right it's high up.
- Right? - So it's high up between - me kidney and me bladder.
- But why didn't you have the thing where they go in the side? You had the choice to Because I said to the doctor, "I'm not a doctor," I said, "What do you think?" And he went, "Stop putting yourself down, Karl.
We need you in the operating theater now.
" He just said you know, I said to him, "What should I have done?" 'Cause he said, "If you want, go home, um, and we'll get you in again or something.
" Uh, something like that.
And I said "No, I might as well have it done properly.
Have it done there whilst I'm here.
" Sorry, the choice was have it done properly or go home? It was it was something like that.
He said, "There's something you can do" and I said, "Oh" - Flush it out? - Uh, no, because it's too big.
It's something like 7mm.
- And it's basically because you don't drink enough water? - Yeah.
So anyway I said, "What do you think I should have done?" And he said, "Tube up the knob.
" And I said, "Hmm, not me favorite one of the choice, but if that's what you think.
" So he said "yYeah, have that.
" He did me little diagrams, which didn't help.
He was like showing - How big did he draw your knob? - Sort of normal size.
- Yeah? Was it - It was all right.
- You weren't offended by the - When he went into detail it was just more the tubes and stuff - and your bladder and your kidney.
- What was your ball bag like? - Did he draw that? - He didn't do that bit.
He left that bit out.
- Okay, right.
- But he said, "We'll just pop that up there.
" And then that's when Ricky turned up to visit, and came in laughing at me 'cause I was sat there in, like, me underpants and stockings.
- In stockings? - Yeah yeah.
- Why were you dressed as - He was there and he wasn't in bed.
He was sort of out of bed with a little drip, right? He had his little boxer shorts on, just sat there.
Right? In his pants, right? And he had stockings on.
Yeah, because they stop clots or something.
They put 'em on your legs.
It's like, d'you know, when people have got big veins and they go on a plane.
Right, yeah.
You said you're not a doctor.
No, but I've seen it 'cause Suzanne's mom did it and it was she put 'em on ridiculously early, like three days before we were going away and that.
She'd never been away before and everything was like over the top, do you know what I mean? So I best put 'em on.
And, uh, so I put them on and they were like I don't know what it is.
It's something when you're in when you're under - your blood doesn't move about the same - Right.
And it can clot up in your leg.
So you wear these it's like tights.
And I came in to cheer him up, didn't I? - Yeah.
- Was that a nice cheery experience, - him coming in? - I had a headache at the time and I was a bit stressed out.
He's just the man you want at that point.
Yeah.
Uh, well, it's weird how it suddenly all happened quick.
And, uh, I woke up and there was an Irish woman over me, going, "Are you all right? You all right?" And I said, "Oh it's stinging a bit.
" She said, "I'll give you some more morphine.
" And I sort of put me head up to have a look at me tackle - 'cause I wanted to see - If it was still there? What was attached to it.
Do you know what I mean? 'Cause they said something about they might leave some string hanging out of it so they can pull the tube out.
- It makes you talk.
- So I had a look for that.
Couldn't couldn't see any of that.
But as she put the morphine in, all the muscles in your body go funny.
Me head just collapsed.
I'm in agony now and, uh - Are you in agony right now as we speak? - Yeah.
It's hurting.
But it does make you think now, do you know what I mean? Like, life and everything.
I mean, it's weird how it's all happened in the last month from seeing that bee sort of die.
- No no no no.
- Not really.
No no no, this is not a near-death experience.
- It is - You had a routine operation to remove kidney stones because you don't drink enough water.
- No, I know, but - This is not a shark attack.
Yeah, but it's all it's all life-threatening, otherwise you wouldn't have to fill out forms, would you, saying if everything goes wrong, Suzanne can have the house or whatever? They keep checking your heartbeats and stuff and your blood pressure.
I don't like knowing about that.
I'm just like, "Leave it.
It's happening.
Don't be messing with it.
Stop measuring it.
" Stop measuring it.
- No, do you know what I mean? - That same with the knob? It's that thing with of like That's what the anesthetist was doing when you were under, wasn't it? - Yeah.
- He was comparing the diagram to the actual thing.
Oh God.
What is the closest thing Sort of living that's nothing? I don't know what you mean.
What? What's like the closest like, do you know at some point something's gone from nothing to something, hasn't it? No, I don't No, I don't understand what you mean.
Do you mean what is the first and lowest and most primitive and most simple form of life? - No.
- He's right here in this room.
Say, like when you look at a stick insect.
Right? - You go, "Right, there's a slight crossover there from a stick to a living thing.
" - No, it's not.
- It didn't used to be a stick.
No no no, it's not there's no there's no There's no biological relationship between it and the stick.
But there isn't much difference between the two is what I mean.
- Of course there is.
- There's a huge difference.
There isn't.
They just sit there looking like a stick.
- That's their skill.
- Yes, but it has nothing to do with being a stick.
It's like camouflage.
That's like saying when a soldier puts on combat gear Okay, you're saying he's a cross between a human and a shrub.
What I'm saying is have you seen them weird things that just look like they sort of look like a leaf.
Yeah there are insects that that that that have evolved to look like a leaf.
Forget it.
At some point, something has had it away with a leaf.
- No! At no point - What? Has something had it away with a leaf.
- No, to make it look that much like the leaf - No! At no point did a beetle shag a leaf.
It's superficial.
It's the way it looks.
That's all it it That's like saying chameleons must have mated - with green once.
They are green.
- No, but - It looks like a leaf.
- But then how does it meet How does it have relationships? It will be going around to having it away with a leaf.
No, it won't 'cause it doesn't know what it looks like.
It doesn't matter.
It's not like they, uh you know, um, a stick insect is gonna be talking to a stick for ages and go, "Oh, I've wasted my time here.
This club's dead.
" - "Rude?" - "I was chatting to her.
She was foxy but she was giving me nothing.
" "But, Dave, that's not a stick insect.
That's a stick.
" "What what you talking about?" "That's a stick.
You've been talking to a stick all night.
" "I can't believe it.
I just thought she had a great slim figure.
" "No no, it's actually a real stick.
" Well, I've been watching birds more than insects recently.
- Oh okay, you've moved on from them.
- In the last week.
'Cause I've sort of looked at the ant and the bee and that.
And what I've found with pigeons is they've got wings, yet they walk a lot.
I'd love that to be a thesis where he got, like, a half a million pounds grant from a university and they said, "Well, Pilkington seems He's done ants and he's done bees.
He's he's followed ants.
Apparently they're not doing anything.
Some of them are lazy.
Um, we are granting him another half million pounds.
Um, he's seen working on it for a year.
Um, please welcome Karl Pilkington.
" Karl, what have you found? "Well, even though pigeons have wings, they walk a lot.
" Well, I heard and you told me this so I know it's true.
- What? - Do you know when I talked about replacing blood with coconut Coconut what was it? Well, one, it said, uh, um, coconut milk can be used as plasma.
But I'd have that verified, 'cause it's off one of those websites where there are spurious facts.
What do you think of that, Steve? I mean, I've sort of touched on it.
I've just got to echo what Ricky said.
I can't have an opinion unless it's been verified.
But why aren't you just being open-minded enough to go, "Well, uh" - No no no.
- That's not being open-minded.
Open-minded isn't believing everything you hear.
You don't believe everything you read, do you? Um, a lot of it.
A lot of stuff you kind of go, "Well that's that's interesting.
" But what We talked about this.
What about Noah's ark? What about it? Well, you know, you said you believed it 'cause it's in book form.
But according to that, didn't he get two of every species on a big boat? But we know that's impossible, don't we? Um, depends where he was.
If he was above a zoo, there would have been a lot of different stuff knocking about.
That's my only problem.
What I'm saying is where was he floating where he could get an elephant, a giraffe, a cat, a dog, a gerbil? Where were all these things floating about? - Exactly.
- These old testament zoos, - they were quite - Yeah, but exactly.
You're right.
You're questioning it How is it possible? But I've just said a zoo.
There's no zoo that has got Well, I don't know where he got 'em from then.
There's a couple of million species of animal.
And how did he round these animals up? 'Cause they were drowning so they were looking for any boat.
So they were looking they were actively seeking out an ark? Well, they would have just been looking for anything to get hold of.
And where did they keep 'em? How did he keep 'em all separate? - At that point - Oh no, the lions ate the otter.
No, because at that point, it's that thing, isn't it, of how you all pull together in a in a bad situation.
- Don't talk shit.
- You all chip in.
They're all like, "Oh, God," you know.
- "Let's be nice to our neighbors.
" - Right.
So there's spiders talking to flies and They would have just gone elsewhere, wouldn't they? They - What do you mean? - The spiders don't have to knock about with the lions, just 'cause they're all in it together.
They get their own little area, don't they? - Well, I don't know.
How big is this boat? - It's big.
It's big.
It's a big boat.
How long what was the warning he got from God to make it? - I don't know.
- It was a couple of weeks.
Two of every species, Karl.
How big would this boat have to be? - Eh, it's big.
- You can't just keep saying it's big.
'Cause I know in your mind you're imagining this ark There's a boat with Noah up the front with his wife, two giraffes behind him, their necks there, two elephants, and it just and it's just like it's just like elephant, giraffe, hippo, dog, cat, weasel, couple of frogs and a spider talking to a fly going, "Let's get on, but when we're offered, you're dead.
" But what would you have done then? Are you saying that you wouldn't get on there 'cause it's too noisy? - It's not a question of - It didn't happen.
It didn't happen.
To be honest, I'm not bothered.
And they got through it, didn't they? They got through it.
They're here now.
We're not short of 'em.
If anything, like I said, he didn't do us a favor 'cause he saved too much.
You can't move out there for stuff.
Oh, chimpanzee that.
He's written it down again.
That's the jingle for excerpts from Karl's diary.
This is all legitimate stuff.
Ricky and I have had no input in this.
This is the first time we get to read it.
"Went and did some shopping for stuff as it was my turn.
" Suzanne moaned a bit 'cause I forgot orange juice and bought some cheap toilet paper.
She always buys the expensive toilet paper.
I don't know why they make toilet paper with pretty patterns on it.
" That made it into the diary.
"Up and out at Now I think But this was a gift for your girlfriend, wasn't it, for her birthday? It was her birthday and that so I just went for one night.
"Got the car and headed off.
We found the b&b but they wouldn't let us in the room" 'cause we were early.
We went for a walk.
There was not much around the B&B so we had a quick walk around the car park.
" "And went back in.
Happy Birthday.
The room is now ready.
It's an all right room.
Free biscuits so I ate them straightaway.
" - You're like a child! - Like a dog.
He runs in, jumps on the bed.
"No no, get off the bed.
Not on the furniture.
" - God.
- "The room overlooked the car park that we'd already been round.
" As you're staring at the window, "Remember when we went there?" We'll always have the car park.
Oh God.
"The room had posh coat hangers in the wardrobe with sponge on them.
" So I ate the sponge.
"Don't think they are needed.
We went and booked a table for Sunday dinner.
I had beef.
It was nice enough but there was a family of 13 behind us.
I don't see the point in going out in large numbers.
They annoyed me.
One of the family asked for sorbet before his next course.
He was only about 11.
He thought he was it.
I said to Suzanne I've had enough and needed a kip.
Watched 'Planet Earth' on BBC1.
They filmed a panda for four weeks and all it did was sit in its cave.
It did naught.
If I was fiat, I wouldn't name one of my cars after them, as it suggests it won't work or go very far.
It'd be like bringing out a Ford Sloth No one would buy it.
" A Ford Sloth.
I would love that ad campaign.
Oh that's amazing.
Oh God.
"The new Vauxhall slug.
" "We had a look round the local village.
There wasn't much to it.
" We did the usual thing and had a look around the church graveyard to see how old the dead people are.
" Show Suzanne a hell of a time.
So far she's gone to the Cotswolds, the room wasn't ready, she's seen the car park, and now let's go and play how old the dead people are.
But I like the fact that you mentioned: "We did the usual thing of having a look around the church graveyard.
" - Do you make her do that every time you go away? - That's what you do, isn't it? I want to know what she did for two hours when you slept.
She just looked out at the car park, just like, memories! But that's what you do though, isn't it, when you go to these places? There's nothing else unless you want fudge.
You know, you walk round the church graveyard - and have a look.
There's nothing.
- "Unless you like fudge.
" "We went home.
It took three hours to drive back.
People say they go to the country to see the wildlife.
I saw rabbits, pheasants and a fox on the way home.
They were all dead in the road.
" I was just intrigued to know because Rob from Burton-on-Trent sent this in.
And he wants to know that 'cause he's just started seeing someone.
And he wants to know what your advice, Karl, is on how to keep her happy.
So what's your sort of your advice, really, for someone who's just started a relationship? - You've been with Suzanne for what, nine years? - Ages.
I think you should just do what you want and then if they like it, then they're the right ones for ya.
So don't go out of your way too much.
I mean, I got her the posh badge for her birthday.
Uh, that's once a year.
Rest of the time, it's kind of like, you know, I I I like weird stuff.
I like watching weird stuff and all that.
Um, now and again, I won't make her watch it.
I'll I'll tape it.
This is amazing advice.
- But sometimes - This is amazing advice.
Sometimes you just say, "No, come on.
The bloke with the two heads on.
I wanna watch it live.
" So give and take is what you're saying there? That's all.
It shouldn't be hard.
As soon as it's hard, it's not right.
So just, uh, just go about your business, see if she joins in.
"Woke up to the commonwealth games on the radio.
" Now what are you making of the commonwealth games? Is that something that interests you? Are you a sports fan? Um, I'm not really.
It's just seems to be sort of wasted.
If people are running fast, use it.
Do you know what I mean? Rather than just trying to beat your own record or someone else's, do something where you do have to run.
If you're a good swimmer, be a lifeguard.
Don't be messing about going up and down.
I was swimming recently.
I do a lot of swimming and I've never quite mastered my front crawl.
Just never quite nailed the breathing 'cause it's quite tricky, isn't it? - You know, you gotta breathe at the right moment.
- Yeah? And so I'm in the swimming pool in the local gym and there's a guy bobbing up and down, really doing a great forward stroke.
So I waited till he came up and sort of went, "Excuse me, mate.
I was just watching you when you were doing your front crawl.
I was really impressed.
Could you just watch me while I do mine and tell me if I'm going right?" Why would you do that? Why would you go up to a man? I know.
And that was the problem.
It was only as I was saying it did I realize what it sounded like.
I've just been watching you swimming up and down.
- I was really impressed.
- And you're both in speedos.
Both in speedos.
You know, I've got the goggles on Prescription goggles so I can see when I'm swimming.
But why do you need them? There's nothing in a pool to look at.
It's not like you're scuba diving.
There's nothing Whoa, hold on.
Clearly there is something to look at in a pool.
No, I wasn't checking Well, I was checking him out, but I was checking him out for swimming tips.
And he just looked at me when I asked him, "Can you just watch me and offer me any tips?" And he just looked at me like I was just mental.
Steve, that is just such a strange thing to say.
Can you just watch I don't know how you had the nerve to do that.
- It was innocently motivated! - I know it's innocent, but what a strange thing to come up to someone and But what civilization are we living in where we can't just ask our fellow man - to help us out with our forward crawl? - But we're in a society where we can't.
But you know that.
It's a strange thing to say.
But sometimes it's nice to just think "No, do you know what? I'm not gonna fall into the trap of thinking he's immediately gonna think I'm gay "or that I'm chatting him up.
I'm just gonna ask him to do me a favor.
" There's nothing wrong with that.
What if he said, "Yeah, this is good, yeah.
Do you mind coming and helping me with my plastering?" But it's not the same.
He's in the swimming pool.
He's there in the pool.
He's swimming up and down.
You know, it's not No skin off his nose to just offer a bit of kind advice.
If your car's broken down in the middle of nowhere and someone drives by, it's a generous thing to do, just stop and maybe look under the bonnet and help them out.
- I agree.
- But I don't see how that's any different.
And in the end, he did.
And all he asked was that I wank him off.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello.
- And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
What's been going on? What's been going on? I've been to hospital.
I was rushed to hospital, right? Emergency and that.
I had a, uh, tube put up me knob.
- You had a tube put up your knob? - Yeah.
- What's the story? - Uh, kidney stones.
- Oof.
- So shouldn't really be here, to be honest, doing this.
He said rest and that.
Climbing them stairs on the way in was To be quite honest, it doesn't look like you expend a lot of energy at the moment.
It's like a zookeeper going, "Oh, that sloth moved today.
" "Calm down!" Yeah, but I had to get here.
It's been raining.
- Yeah? - I had to come up the stairs.
I had to carry the computer.
- Yeah? - Well, that's not entirely true 'cause your girlfriend was carrying it.
I saw her, actually.
Yeah, but I'm just saying Then you handed it to me and said, "Steve, carry this.
" - God almighty.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's already a lie.
- Christ almighty.
- Whinging.
- I'm not whinging.
I'm in show business.
I know loads of people that wake up every day with a sore knob, feeling like they've had their kidneys probed.
And they you know they would say they were unconscious.
So they didn't whinge about it.
They get straight back on to it.
They, you know a lot of them are on TV now.
Yeah, straight back to hosting game shows.
So you were rushed to hospital? So take us through the Take us through the events 'cause it does sound quite dramatic.
You started feeling a bit of pain, did you, initially? I felt a bit of pain.
I thought, you know, maybe I just pulled a muscle or something when I've been wrestling with Ricky and that.
'Cause you don't know what damage is being done.
So I just think it'll go in a minute.
And then it didn't.
It got a bit badder.
- It got badder, did it? - So then I thought - Got a bit badder.
- Oh dear.
So then I thought I was crippled.
I was lying on the floor in agony, looking on the Internet.
Looking for Still looking up monkey news? I just put in like "bellyache" and stuff and they were saying it can be loads of different things.
Um, and I What I used to do when I was a kid, I used to always just get a cold ashtray and put that on me belly.
And the coldness used to get rid of the badness.
- Amazing.
- The coldness got rid Was that like a witch doctor? Ha! Yeah, there you go.
Yeah yeah.
This is this is like a witch doctor that happens to work in a pub.
It's like it's some sort of fifth-century remedy written in mud.
"Coldness doth get away with the badness.
" - Oh! - Why specifically an ashtray? Just 'cause they were they sort of hold cold.
They're old cold? What? I don't know what this is.
It's I love this idea that he's He's had the operation and he comes around and they're talking to him.
And his girlfriend gets a phone call and they say, "Mr.
Pilkington's may be complications.
He's talking rubbish.
" She goes, "Oh good!" "Yeah, he's back to his old self.
" What what what Why specifically an ashtray? Sorry, 'cause it's old cold.
- I understand it's old cold.
- 'Cause earlier we understand Everyone who's done a medical degree understands old cold.
But but, uh "Old old cold belly badness.
" "Do you wanna buy that book, 'old cold belly badness'? It's the history of abdominal surgery by Karl Pilkington.
" No, it just you know But do you put it in the freezer or something first? You can do if you want, but they're normally cold anyway.
Sort of thick glass and that, it holds the cold.
But we don't smoke in our house, so I had to use a plate.
Oh well, that's madness.
A plate's not gonna work.
Famously a plate doesn't work.
Oh my God, no.
No.
So you put a a a You put a plate on your belly, but that didn't do anything.
- Yeah, no - That didn't work.
So I called Suzanne and said, "Oh, I'm in agony, yeah.
" She said, "Go to the doctor's then.
" Good advice.
A lot of people would have done that straightaway as opposed to going through the plate, - ashtray.
- Ashtray and plate! So he went to hospital and they went to hospital and he said, "Have you got an ashtray?" - Go and fetch me an ashtray.
- "This is no smoking.
" So anyway, so then we get in a cab and what have you, go there.
I have an X-ray.
His voice is even more boring than usual, isn't it? - It's extraordinary, isn't it? - Fuck me.
And they put me on a drip and everything, gave me some morphine and stuff and found out that I had kidney stones.
So that's why I was in hospital.
And they get 'em out by I can't even I don't know what's going on, to be honest.
- Come on.
- I've got some tube inside me from me kidney to me bladder that's helping me stuff get about.
And so there's a little tube up the end of your knob - into your? - Yeah, it's not there now.
It's right it's high up.
- Right? - So it's high up between - me kidney and me bladder.
- But why didn't you have the thing where they go in the side? You had the choice to Because I said to the doctor, "I'm not a doctor," I said, "What do you think?" And he went, "Stop putting yourself down, Karl.
We need you in the operating theater now.
" He just said you know, I said to him, "What should I have done?" 'Cause he said, "If you want, go home, um, and we'll get you in again or something.
" Uh, something like that.
And I said "No, I might as well have it done properly.
Have it done there whilst I'm here.
" Sorry, the choice was have it done properly or go home? It was it was something like that.
He said, "There's something you can do" and I said, "Oh" - Flush it out? - Uh, no, because it's too big.
It's something like 7mm.
- And it's basically because you don't drink enough water? - Yeah.
So anyway I said, "What do you think I should have done?" And he said, "Tube up the knob.
" And I said, "Hmm, not me favorite one of the choice, but if that's what you think.
" So he said "yYeah, have that.
" He did me little diagrams, which didn't help.
He was like showing - How big did he draw your knob? - Sort of normal size.
- Yeah? Was it - It was all right.
- You weren't offended by the - When he went into detail it was just more the tubes and stuff - and your bladder and your kidney.
- What was your ball bag like? - Did he draw that? - He didn't do that bit.
He left that bit out.
- Okay, right.
- But he said, "We'll just pop that up there.
" And then that's when Ricky turned up to visit, and came in laughing at me 'cause I was sat there in, like, me underpants and stockings.
- In stockings? - Yeah yeah.
- Why were you dressed as - He was there and he wasn't in bed.
He was sort of out of bed with a little drip, right? He had his little boxer shorts on, just sat there.
Right? In his pants, right? And he had stockings on.
Yeah, because they stop clots or something.
They put 'em on your legs.
It's like, d'you know, when people have got big veins and they go on a plane.
Right, yeah.
You said you're not a doctor.
No, but I've seen it 'cause Suzanne's mom did it and it was she put 'em on ridiculously early, like three days before we were going away and that.
She'd never been away before and everything was like over the top, do you know what I mean? So I best put 'em on.
And, uh, so I put them on and they were like I don't know what it is.
It's something when you're in when you're under - your blood doesn't move about the same - Right.
And it can clot up in your leg.
So you wear these it's like tights.
And I came in to cheer him up, didn't I? - Yeah.
- Was that a nice cheery experience, - him coming in? - I had a headache at the time and I was a bit stressed out.
He's just the man you want at that point.
Yeah.
Uh, well, it's weird how it suddenly all happened quick.
And, uh, I woke up and there was an Irish woman over me, going, "Are you all right? You all right?" And I said, "Oh it's stinging a bit.
" She said, "I'll give you some more morphine.
" And I sort of put me head up to have a look at me tackle - 'cause I wanted to see - If it was still there? What was attached to it.
Do you know what I mean? 'Cause they said something about they might leave some string hanging out of it so they can pull the tube out.
- It makes you talk.
- So I had a look for that.
Couldn't couldn't see any of that.
But as she put the morphine in, all the muscles in your body go funny.
Me head just collapsed.
I'm in agony now and, uh - Are you in agony right now as we speak? - Yeah.
It's hurting.
But it does make you think now, do you know what I mean? Like, life and everything.
I mean, it's weird how it's all happened in the last month from seeing that bee sort of die.
- No no no no.
- Not really.
No no no, this is not a near-death experience.
- It is - You had a routine operation to remove kidney stones because you don't drink enough water.
- No, I know, but - This is not a shark attack.
Yeah, but it's all it's all life-threatening, otherwise you wouldn't have to fill out forms, would you, saying if everything goes wrong, Suzanne can have the house or whatever? They keep checking your heartbeats and stuff and your blood pressure.
I don't like knowing about that.
I'm just like, "Leave it.
It's happening.
Don't be messing with it.
Stop measuring it.
" Stop measuring it.
- No, do you know what I mean? - That same with the knob? It's that thing with of like That's what the anesthetist was doing when you were under, wasn't it? - Yeah.
- He was comparing the diagram to the actual thing.
Oh God.
What is the closest thing Sort of living that's nothing? I don't know what you mean.
What? What's like the closest like, do you know at some point something's gone from nothing to something, hasn't it? No, I don't No, I don't understand what you mean.
Do you mean what is the first and lowest and most primitive and most simple form of life? - No.
- He's right here in this room.
Say, like when you look at a stick insect.
Right? - You go, "Right, there's a slight crossover there from a stick to a living thing.
" - No, it's not.
- It didn't used to be a stick.
No no no, it's not there's no there's no There's no biological relationship between it and the stick.
But there isn't much difference between the two is what I mean.
- Of course there is.
- There's a huge difference.
There isn't.
They just sit there looking like a stick.
- That's their skill.
- Yes, but it has nothing to do with being a stick.
It's like camouflage.
That's like saying when a soldier puts on combat gear Okay, you're saying he's a cross between a human and a shrub.
What I'm saying is have you seen them weird things that just look like they sort of look like a leaf.
Yeah there are insects that that that that have evolved to look like a leaf.
Forget it.
At some point, something has had it away with a leaf.
- No! At no point - What? Has something had it away with a leaf.
- No, to make it look that much like the leaf - No! At no point did a beetle shag a leaf.
It's superficial.
It's the way it looks.
That's all it it That's like saying chameleons must have mated - with green once.
They are green.
- No, but - It looks like a leaf.
- But then how does it meet How does it have relationships? It will be going around to having it away with a leaf.
No, it won't 'cause it doesn't know what it looks like.
It doesn't matter.
It's not like they, uh you know, um, a stick insect is gonna be talking to a stick for ages and go, "Oh, I've wasted my time here.
This club's dead.
" - "Rude?" - "I was chatting to her.
She was foxy but she was giving me nothing.
" "But, Dave, that's not a stick insect.
That's a stick.
" "What what you talking about?" "That's a stick.
You've been talking to a stick all night.
" "I can't believe it.
I just thought she had a great slim figure.
" "No no, it's actually a real stick.
" Well, I've been watching birds more than insects recently.
- Oh okay, you've moved on from them.
- In the last week.
'Cause I've sort of looked at the ant and the bee and that.
And what I've found with pigeons is they've got wings, yet they walk a lot.
I'd love that to be a thesis where he got, like, a half a million pounds grant from a university and they said, "Well, Pilkington seems He's done ants and he's done bees.
He's he's followed ants.
Apparently they're not doing anything.
Some of them are lazy.
Um, we are granting him another half million pounds.
Um, he's seen working on it for a year.
Um, please welcome Karl Pilkington.
" Karl, what have you found? "Well, even though pigeons have wings, they walk a lot.
" Well, I heard and you told me this so I know it's true.
- What? - Do you know when I talked about replacing blood with coconut Coconut what was it? Well, one, it said, uh, um, coconut milk can be used as plasma.
But I'd have that verified, 'cause it's off one of those websites where there are spurious facts.
What do you think of that, Steve? I mean, I've sort of touched on it.
I've just got to echo what Ricky said.
I can't have an opinion unless it's been verified.
But why aren't you just being open-minded enough to go, "Well, uh" - No no no.
- That's not being open-minded.
Open-minded isn't believing everything you hear.
You don't believe everything you read, do you? Um, a lot of it.
A lot of stuff you kind of go, "Well that's that's interesting.
" But what We talked about this.
What about Noah's ark? What about it? Well, you know, you said you believed it 'cause it's in book form.
But according to that, didn't he get two of every species on a big boat? But we know that's impossible, don't we? Um, depends where he was.
If he was above a zoo, there would have been a lot of different stuff knocking about.
That's my only problem.
What I'm saying is where was he floating where he could get an elephant, a giraffe, a cat, a dog, a gerbil? Where were all these things floating about? - Exactly.
- These old testament zoos, - they were quite - Yeah, but exactly.
You're right.
You're questioning it How is it possible? But I've just said a zoo.
There's no zoo that has got Well, I don't know where he got 'em from then.
There's a couple of million species of animal.
And how did he round these animals up? 'Cause they were drowning so they were looking for any boat.
So they were looking they were actively seeking out an ark? Well, they would have just been looking for anything to get hold of.
And where did they keep 'em? How did he keep 'em all separate? - At that point - Oh no, the lions ate the otter.
No, because at that point, it's that thing, isn't it, of how you all pull together in a in a bad situation.
- Don't talk shit.
- You all chip in.
They're all like, "Oh, God," you know.
- "Let's be nice to our neighbors.
" - Right.
So there's spiders talking to flies and They would have just gone elsewhere, wouldn't they? They - What do you mean? - The spiders don't have to knock about with the lions, just 'cause they're all in it together.
They get their own little area, don't they? - Well, I don't know.
How big is this boat? - It's big.
It's big.
It's a big boat.
How long what was the warning he got from God to make it? - I don't know.
- It was a couple of weeks.
Two of every species, Karl.
How big would this boat have to be? - Eh, it's big.
- You can't just keep saying it's big.
'Cause I know in your mind you're imagining this ark There's a boat with Noah up the front with his wife, two giraffes behind him, their necks there, two elephants, and it just and it's just like it's just like elephant, giraffe, hippo, dog, cat, weasel, couple of frogs and a spider talking to a fly going, "Let's get on, but when we're offered, you're dead.
" But what would you have done then? Are you saying that you wouldn't get on there 'cause it's too noisy? - It's not a question of - It didn't happen.
It didn't happen.
To be honest, I'm not bothered.
And they got through it, didn't they? They got through it.
They're here now.
We're not short of 'em.
If anything, like I said, he didn't do us a favor 'cause he saved too much.
You can't move out there for stuff.
Oh, chimpanzee that.
He's written it down again.
That's the jingle for excerpts from Karl's diary.
This is all legitimate stuff.
Ricky and I have had no input in this.
This is the first time we get to read it.
"Went and did some shopping for stuff as it was my turn.
" Suzanne moaned a bit 'cause I forgot orange juice and bought some cheap toilet paper.
She always buys the expensive toilet paper.
I don't know why they make toilet paper with pretty patterns on it.
" That made it into the diary.
"Up and out at Now I think But this was a gift for your girlfriend, wasn't it, for her birthday? It was her birthday and that so I just went for one night.
"Got the car and headed off.
We found the b&b but they wouldn't let us in the room" 'cause we were early.
We went for a walk.
There was not much around the B&B so we had a quick walk around the car park.
" "And went back in.
Happy Birthday.
The room is now ready.
It's an all right room.
Free biscuits so I ate them straightaway.
" - You're like a child! - Like a dog.
He runs in, jumps on the bed.
"No no, get off the bed.
Not on the furniture.
" - God.
- "The room overlooked the car park that we'd already been round.
" As you're staring at the window, "Remember when we went there?" We'll always have the car park.
Oh God.
"The room had posh coat hangers in the wardrobe with sponge on them.
" So I ate the sponge.
"Don't think they are needed.
We went and booked a table for Sunday dinner.
I had beef.
It was nice enough but there was a family of 13 behind us.
I don't see the point in going out in large numbers.
They annoyed me.
One of the family asked for sorbet before his next course.
He was only about 11.
He thought he was it.
I said to Suzanne I've had enough and needed a kip.
Watched 'Planet Earth' on BBC1.
They filmed a panda for four weeks and all it did was sit in its cave.
It did naught.
If I was fiat, I wouldn't name one of my cars after them, as it suggests it won't work or go very far.
It'd be like bringing out a Ford Sloth No one would buy it.
" A Ford Sloth.
I would love that ad campaign.
Oh that's amazing.
Oh God.
"The new Vauxhall slug.
" "We had a look round the local village.
There wasn't much to it.
" We did the usual thing and had a look around the church graveyard to see how old the dead people are.
" Show Suzanne a hell of a time.
So far she's gone to the Cotswolds, the room wasn't ready, she's seen the car park, and now let's go and play how old the dead people are.
But I like the fact that you mentioned: "We did the usual thing of having a look around the church graveyard.
" - Do you make her do that every time you go away? - That's what you do, isn't it? I want to know what she did for two hours when you slept.
She just looked out at the car park, just like, memories! But that's what you do though, isn't it, when you go to these places? There's nothing else unless you want fudge.
You know, you walk round the church graveyard - and have a look.
There's nothing.
- "Unless you like fudge.
" "We went home.
It took three hours to drive back.
People say they go to the country to see the wildlife.
I saw rabbits, pheasants and a fox on the way home.
They were all dead in the road.
" I was just intrigued to know because Rob from Burton-on-Trent sent this in.
And he wants to know that 'cause he's just started seeing someone.
And he wants to know what your advice, Karl, is on how to keep her happy.
So what's your sort of your advice, really, for someone who's just started a relationship? - You've been with Suzanne for what, nine years? - Ages.
I think you should just do what you want and then if they like it, then they're the right ones for ya.
So don't go out of your way too much.
I mean, I got her the posh badge for her birthday.
Uh, that's once a year.
Rest of the time, it's kind of like, you know, I I I like weird stuff.
I like watching weird stuff and all that.
Um, now and again, I won't make her watch it.
I'll I'll tape it.
This is amazing advice.
- But sometimes - This is amazing advice.
Sometimes you just say, "No, come on.
The bloke with the two heads on.
I wanna watch it live.
" So give and take is what you're saying there? That's all.
It shouldn't be hard.
As soon as it's hard, it's not right.
So just, uh, just go about your business, see if she joins in.
"Woke up to the commonwealth games on the radio.
" Now what are you making of the commonwealth games? Is that something that interests you? Are you a sports fan? Um, I'm not really.
It's just seems to be sort of wasted.
If people are running fast, use it.
Do you know what I mean? Rather than just trying to beat your own record or someone else's, do something where you do have to run.
If you're a good swimmer, be a lifeguard.
Don't be messing about going up and down.
I was swimming recently.
I do a lot of swimming and I've never quite mastered my front crawl.
Just never quite nailed the breathing 'cause it's quite tricky, isn't it? - You know, you gotta breathe at the right moment.
- Yeah? And so I'm in the swimming pool in the local gym and there's a guy bobbing up and down, really doing a great forward stroke.
So I waited till he came up and sort of went, "Excuse me, mate.
I was just watching you when you were doing your front crawl.
I was really impressed.
Could you just watch me while I do mine and tell me if I'm going right?" Why would you do that? Why would you go up to a man? I know.
And that was the problem.
It was only as I was saying it did I realize what it sounded like.
I've just been watching you swimming up and down.
- I was really impressed.
- And you're both in speedos.
Both in speedos.
You know, I've got the goggles on Prescription goggles so I can see when I'm swimming.
But why do you need them? There's nothing in a pool to look at.
It's not like you're scuba diving.
There's nothing Whoa, hold on.
Clearly there is something to look at in a pool.
No, I wasn't checking Well, I was checking him out, but I was checking him out for swimming tips.
And he just looked at me when I asked him, "Can you just watch me and offer me any tips?" And he just looked at me like I was just mental.
Steve, that is just such a strange thing to say.
Can you just watch I don't know how you had the nerve to do that.
- It was innocently motivated! - I know it's innocent, but what a strange thing to come up to someone and But what civilization are we living in where we can't just ask our fellow man - to help us out with our forward crawl? - But we're in a society where we can't.
But you know that.
It's a strange thing to say.
But sometimes it's nice to just think "No, do you know what? I'm not gonna fall into the trap of thinking he's immediately gonna think I'm gay "or that I'm chatting him up.
I'm just gonna ask him to do me a favor.
" There's nothing wrong with that.
What if he said, "Yeah, this is good, yeah.
Do you mind coming and helping me with my plastering?" But it's not the same.
He's in the swimming pool.
He's there in the pool.
He's swimming up and down.
You know, it's not No skin off his nose to just offer a bit of kind advice.
If your car's broken down in the middle of nowhere and someone drives by, it's a generous thing to do, just stop and maybe look under the bonnet and help them out.
- I agree.
- But I don't see how that's any different.
And in the end, he did.
And all he asked was that I wank him off.