The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s03e06 Episode Script
The English
For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right? Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
The idea of Englishness and England is quite a vague term, isn't it? It's you can play loose and fast with it.
I mean, for instance, I was, uh, looking at some quotes about England and John Major, former prime minister, he typified England as being a place of long shadows on county cricket grounds, warm beer, invincible green suburbs, dog lovers, and old maids bicycling through the morning mist.
Very specific vision of England.
Yeah, but he never came to the estate that I was born on Sure.
Or Karl was you know what I mean? So, what is your typical image of an Englishman now? If I had to draw it for an alien? Yeah.
Um, he'd be, uh, quite squat, uh, quite sturdy, sort of no neck, um, hairy Are you just thinking of yourself? Do you know what? It would be my build, with Karl's head.
Really? And no neck.
Yeah, I think he's sort of balding and unshaven and, uh, he's like a shaved caveman.
I think he's he's tough.
He'd have tats, he'd He'd eat like a dog It's the bulldog breed.
It is the bulldog breed.
I am thinking of the bulldog breed, yeah.
See, now my image of an Englishman is is essentially that cliched one.
It is, I think, Hugh Grant So you're modern.
You're straightaway modern now.
Well, or I would say, it's either mixed between Hugh Grant and Roger Moore, when he was James Bond.
Do you know what I mean? You see, that's another That's another small percentage of Englishness that sort of annoys me.
Those people that think they're James Bond.
They think they can buy a suit and read GQ, and they're suave and sophisticated, and they get cars they can't afford.
All they do is work in a bank, come home, and flick through GQ at the adverts, looking at people in with wearing watches and aftershave.
Who wears aftershave? Do you wear aftershave, Karl? Uh, normally it's it aftershave is a sort of thing I let other people buy me.
It's like underpants.
Underpants, tea towels, and sort of aftershave and that, other people buy me.
Who's buying you tea towels? - Me mum.
- Right, okay.
Me mum, every time she turns up, she's got Brillo pads and stuff.
I've got loads of 'em.
I keep saying to her, I don't need any of this, but she always brings a box full of stuff.
"Brillo pads, tea towels, underpants.
" The underpants size hasn't gone up since I was 14.
But that's I can rely on her for that.
So do you not have anything in your life which you would think of as being gentlemanly? Do you ever dress smartly? What about suits? I bought one suit that time when you invited me to the BAFTAs.
That's the only suit.
I think I wore it for one other thing.
I haven't wore it since.
I don't like I don't feel comfortable.
It's not me.
But don't you go to a wedding That would be a lovely advert, wouldn't it? Him with a suit, and going, "I haven't wore it since.
" I don't go to weddings.
No, I don't like going to 'em.
I agree.
I mean even though you know 'em, they don't give you any time when you're there, do they? They just sort of they don't know whether you're there or not.
They're on cloud nine.
They don't know who's around.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
You don't need to be there.
It's all with them, on the wedding day, it's all me, me, me, isn't it? Well firstly, I'm annoyed about the wedding list.
I don't know when that's come along, because I don't know why I can't just bring maybe something I've made at home.
You know? Why has there gotta be a list of stuff? What bride what newly married bride doesn't want a pair of homemade clogs? Exactly.
Do you know what I mean? Ibut saying that, I think people very much appreciate you being at their wedding.
No They do.
They remember if you were there.
No they don't.
They don't.
They do.
You don't get invited to weddings 'cause you ain't got any mates.
No I have, I've got I know enough people.
Everyone's getting married.
But it's They're always in the middle of nowhere That now that annoys me, when people say, "Come to our wedding.
Yeah! Fun wedding!" "We're having it in Greece.
" Well the thing that drives me insane when you do go, is when they put you at a table with people you don't know.
Well that's I got all me mates there, and they put what, 'cause I gotta mingle with some people? I don't care.
I don't need these need these people.
I have enough friends.
But that's why I'm not good at talking to people once.
Talking to people who you don't know.
No.
What sort of stuff would you make conversation about at a wedding? Uh, I'd probably say, oh, first of all, "How do you know 'em? How do you know the people getting married?" Yeah.
And then like, you know, "Do you think it'll last?" Imagine getting imagine inviting Karl Pilkington, having to go, "Where should we put him?" "Oh, I don't know.
Is there is there a table for one?" Oh, just He'll be at a table with the kids.
Imagine being stuck with Karl Pilkington at a wedding.
Yeah, what else? So you've asked 'em "Do you think it'll last?" They've gone, "I'm sorry? Who are you?" "I'm Karl Pilkington from Manchester.
" "Right.
Yes, we think it'll last.
" What else would you ask them? What's your next Um the last wedding I went to, it's going back a couple of years, but everyone seems a bit snidey.
Do you know what I mean? 'Cause you've got a mixture of families there, haven't you? Yeah.
And none of 'em really like each other.
And I got stuck with an old fellow who had a flatulence problem.
That sounds fun.
And then he went on to say, "It doesn't matter.
This suit's hired.
" And then it's just kind of I'm gonna die! I just don't like 'em.
I love that! I love it! He's basically saying, at a wedding, it doesn't matter if I shit myself 'cause the suit's hired! Oh! Maybe it's that thing that I don't appreciate what I've got, but to me, being English isn't anything that great.
Really? Why not? 'Cause, uh, it's just what I've been dealt with.
If you could be any nationality, what would you be and why? Um, probably Italian.
Okay, why? Well just, uh, yeah I like the idea of it.
I like Italians are all right.
Where would you live? Rome? Probably I probably wouldn't wanna be in in the middle of Rome.
It's too much hassle.
Have you been to Rome? Yeah.
It's nice to visit and stuff.
It's good.
Lot of old stuff.
Why have you chosen Italy? I'm interested to know why, of all the countries, you've chosen Italy? I was a latecomer to pasta.
That is, when you're 'round.
I like it now.
It's like one of me favorite things they have.
Um, which there isn't really anything like that in England.
That, even though it's Well, all except pasta.
Pasta's exactly like it.
No, but it's not Yeah we got we got pasta, haven't we? It's not ours, though, is it? And we don't know how to eat it.
What do you mean we don't know how to eat it? We, we to it all wrong.
Do you, do you stick it up your ass again? Look at me, I know how to fucking eat it.
No, but what I mean is if, if you saw a proper Italian, and they saw what we did to pasta, they would not be happy.
What're we doing wrong? Tell me what we're doing wrong with pasta.
Well I don't know that otherwise we wouldn't be doing it Then how do you know we're doing it wrong? I've just heard we do it wrong.
It's like how we, we have the coffee at all the wrong times.
They order the cappuccino somewhere and the Italian fella said, "You shouldn't be having that now.
It's breakfast coffee.
" Yeah it is, yeah, before 12 o'clock, yeah.
Yeah, but I was having it like quarter to eleven at night.
Oh, wow.
Well that'absurd.
How you gonna get to sleep with a cup of coffee? Well, I don't sleep anyway.
You shouldn't drink coffee anyway at night.
Full stop.
So hang on.
So you love pasta, but you're not eating it right, so you'd like to be Italian in order to be able to eat pasta correctly? Even though you enjoy the pasta you eat? What do you feel being Italian, uh, is, and what It's just very sort of, uh, it's a relaxed lifestyle.
Whenever you to go to Italy, everyone's outside a cafe.
It doesn't matter what sort of person you are.
Karl, that's all you do now with your spare time, is sit outside a cafe.
Yes, but they get more respect over there for Why? It's it's like it's okay to do that.
There's older people sat outside cafes who do nothing.
I love the fact that They're probably retired.
He wants to be Italian so he can sit outside a cafe, and get more respect than he does now sitting outside a cafe.
No, but everyone's rushing about here.
People have like, colder coffee.
They have frappuccinos here 'cause they haven't got time to have a hot coffee.
It's like they've got a coffee with ice and so I can neck it.
Get down me neck and get on with me day.
Relax, enjoy your coffee.
I don't understand the rush.
But the reason you enjoy Italy is 'cause when you were there, you were on holiday.
That's why you're able to chill out and relax.
No, no.
When you say it's old people, old people sat in some little Sicilian village.
Of course they, they got no money Here.
I went to the Salvation Army.
- Right.
- Why? 'Cause it's nice.
What do you mean? You get, you get, you can get toast and a cup of tea for a pound.
Karl, you little skinflint.
That's just, that that should be the going rate.
Steve, I'm surprised I haven't seen you in there, to be honest.
But the thing is Where is it? Now Just near Camden.
What is it is it like old people? A lot of old people, mainly old people.
Um, and this is what I'm saying.
These are people who are old and they sat in a cafe.
But they don't get any respect.
People walking past 'em, they don't wanna go in, the way you reacted when I said I was in the Salvation Army.
That's the reaction they get.
Yet an old Italian person, they're looked after better.
Well it's certainly true, they look after their older families.
Right.
And that's all I'm saying.
Whereas, I mean it's a lovely place, Salvation Army.
Every old fellow in there's got a tie on.
Yeah.
They make an effort.
So anyway, yeah, that's, that's what I like about Italians and that.
There's, there's a lot of respect.
So you want to be Italian because when you're old, you can sit outside a cafe and get more respect than you do here? Yeah.
Look at the old people in this country.
They never look happy, do they, really? Most of the time, when you see 'em walking around, they get, they go to pot.
No one's keeping an eye on 'em.
Well, it's an important thing, isn't it? That, that, um, my, uh, my mum, this is when she was about sixty, sixty-five, there was a, a neighbor who was, uh, like, you know, eighty-five, ninety.
And my mom used to go 'round there every day.
"Do you want any shopping? Do it, right?" But I remember calling her once, and, uh, she'd come back.
I said "What have you been doing?" She went, "Oh, I've been 'round so-and-so's.
" I went "All right.
" She went, "Ugh, she won't die, Rick.
" Like, she's helping her, but she's thinking, "This is getting silly now.
" "You were meant to go years ago here.
" Well that's the problem, you know.
If you, if you get pally with an old person Yeah.
then you could be stuck with them for years.
And having to do stuff, you know.
That's what you don't wanna do, isn't it? You, you, you meet an old, you know, an old fella, and then you gotta start, um, popping in his sort of piles or whatever when he can't do 'em himself.
You know, what do you do if you're It depends how friendly you are, though.
I mean I'm just talking about someone you meet at the bus stop, as opposed to popping the piles back in.
How does that happen? Jesus.
Just the ones on, on the estate I grew up on.
Soon as you got to a certain age, it was Mrs.
Knowles who went mental.
One day she seemed fine.
Next day she was chucking cans in everyone's garden.
You could just hear her coming.
Which was weird.
Actually, now you've brought up weird people, Go on.
There was a fellow called Shorts Man, right? It's so pedestrian! I love the fact Shorts Man wore some shorts? Now, now what I liked yeah, he did, but they, they were really short.
They were that sort where, you know, it's almost pointless having 'em on.
What do you mean? They were just you know like, shorts now for blokes, they go up to your knees, don't they? There's no chance, there's no accident happening there.
Go on.
There's nothing gonna pop out.
- Yeah.
- No.
But Shorts Man, he liked it.
He liked the fact that that happened.
And he used to walk with, with big strides, to sort of help the chance along.
So that he knew, with the big strides and the short shorts Yeah? - They were gonna pop out.
- Did you ever see it pop out? Yeah.
Why were you looking at his shorts? Just because it was, it was like, it was like playing buckaroo.
It was like, when are they gonna pop out? But what It's just what happened.
So, right.
But Shorts Man, so he was an exhibitionist.
He liked he obviously wanted people to see his veg Yeah.
And they were out more than they were in.
I mean they, they had a tan, right? Now the thing is What what we like in England, I think we like that.
We like local characters.
The eccentric.
Yeah, eccentrics, very, that's very British, eccentrics, yeah, yeah.
And I, and I I'm glad I grew up 'round there with all them people So am I.
'cause they were interesting.
Do you think there's a big difference, Karl, between the Englishman of yesteryear who didn't complain I mean, he just got on with things.
He might have whinged about the weather and the like, um, but he just got on with things, you know.
- He carried an umbrella.
- Yeah.
Didn't whinge about anything.
Whereas nowadays, people are getting their Prozac, and their antidepressant pills, they're going to therapy Yeah.
He kept out of stuff, as well.
Why are we getting involved now in everything? Thoughts on that, Karl? Uh, it's news now, isn't it? "Sometimes I think, don't tell me, don't wanna know.
" Just get on with it.
Whoever's job that is, get on with it.
Yeah.
Why am I being told about it? When I've got a problem in my job, no one else knows.
No one helps me out and goes, "Well, I've got an opinion for him.
" "This might help him.
" No one helps me.
But I'm being bombarded by everyone else's hassle.
They love talking, actually.
That's what the English do.
Talking, but they never finalize it.
They love just being in the meeting room, talking.
Saying "Yeah, we could do this, we could do that.
" I'm the only one in that room not getting paid.
Everyone else is on a wage.
I'm there looking at me watch, thinking "Right, I've been here for an hour, nothing's been sorted.
" They're looking, thinking "We can drag this out for another half hour, get us to lunch.
" That's what annoys me.
They're all sat there, just pushing bullshit around the room like dung beetles.
I'm sick of it.
And that's what the English do.
Oh.
And it's a shame 'cause I don't think they used to be like that.
I wish everybody just sort of kept to themselves more.
Like, you know, certain animals do.
Just get on with it.
It's like the old-fashioned way.
Like what? What animals? What animals keep to themselves? Well any, any animals keep themselves to themselves.
Like what? Loads of things.
What keeps what animals keep to themselves? Badgers.
Why do they keep to themselves? Just, I don't know.
They just When, whenever you see them they're sort of wandering about a roadside, they're on their own.
Right.
They're not, they're not, What are they doing? Sort of in pairs.
I don't know.
Most of the time, they're dead.
I've seen more dead badgers than alive ones.
I've never seen a live badger.
I don't know what his point is.
So that's so that's why they're one, alone, and two, getting on with it.
I love it.
Most of the I love that he started off with some kind of poetic analogy, I don't know what that was.
Most of the time I just uh Oh, God! Um, I like this thing of, the Englishmen I knew, growing up, um, was uh, you had to when you hit a certain age, when you hit, like, manhood, or puberty or whatever, 13, 14, 15, you had to start showing your mettle.
You had to be tough.
Um, I remember all right, when I first started going to pubs, right? So I'm, I don't know, say 18.
You walk into a toilet with urinals, and the first thing everyone did was fart and gob.
Yeah.
That was it, right? If you couldn't do that, then uh, you know, you'd get funny looks.
You know, you're going to the urinal, and they'd look at you like, "Oh, sorry.
" It was all about, um, being a man.
You know.
I think wearing glasses makes you slightly exempt from that.
It's like you don't have to people automatically dissociate It's like, if I was in prison, I wouldn't have to do that, 'cause I'd just be "The Professor.
" Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? Or "Brains.
" RICKY: Exactly, yeah.
I would, they would Yeah, they'd come to you with I'm never a threat, 'cause I never look like I'm gonna be a tough guy.
So consequently, I live in this sort of parallel stratosphere, where I haven't gotta piss and gob.
Yeah.
Has that got more popular? Yes.
Has it? There's a lot of gobbing? Yeah, there's a lot more people doing in the streets now.
Really? Not in, not in Hampstead? It's like avoiding It still is, you know.
When I walk, walk here The only person gobbing in Hampstead is me.
Jane says, "Don't gob.
People are looking.
" Well it is, it's your trail that I'm seeing, then.
It's like a load of, sort of washed-up jellyfish in London.
Just big blobs of it.
I mean, I don't know how they're coughing this stuff up.
I mean, they shouldn't still be alive.
Some of them have, like, organs in them.
It's just big lumps of stuff.
I mean that list of idyllic, antiquated England of, you know, tea and cakes and cricket, I mean is, is valid.
But I think the things that sum up Englishness, I mean talking of the weather, I think drinking, uh, war We love a ruck.
Yeah.
We're built on war.
We're a warrior race.
We're pretty good at war.
Talking of the um, English sense of fair play, and war, when, um, the crossbow was invented, a lot of people wouldn't use it.
They said it was un-Christian.
So our soldiers sort of resisted it.
So Europeans got this thing that needed no skill, and it was shooting these bolts, and they could reload quick.
And uh, versus our, our bowmen.
What do you think of that? What do you think of going, "Oh, it's cheating.
We won't use it.
" But having a disadvantage? That's honor, isn't it? But what, what's the problem here? What am I meant to be worrying about? Well you've got, you've got bow and arrows.
They're amazing.
They're heavy.
Someone comes along, goes, "Don't worry about that.
Here's a crossbow.
Just pop it in, pull it back" "Deadly.
Deadly, quick, anyone can use it.
" So now you've got anyone with a crossbow killing people.
Women, children Anyone can use it.
So the Europeans, they're going crazy.
But we resisted it because we thought it was, you know, un-Christian and cheating, to kill without skill.
What do you think of that? But where were the, where were the actual bows and that being made? 'Cause that's the thing, isn't it? The company who's making 'em, they just want to get out to a big market.
Brilliant.
That's, that's what they do now with the iPod and everything.
It's not about people wanting more music than ever before.
That's not the case.
It's about having it, having the accessory.
And if the bow and arrow was, like, sold as this, you know, "Light to carry, for all the family.
" That's, that's how it would have happened.
That's where it's all about.
Ye New Bow and Arrow, from Ronco.
But what, what do you think the problem is? Yeah, but you're not quite getting Ricky's point.
His point is, the idea of there being sort of rules, and fair play, and etiquette in war.
The objective is to kill the enemy.
I don't I don't think that's the place.
I don't think war and that is a place to start getting all uppity about someone cheating, or having a better system.
Oh, really? You think all fair in love and war, do you? Yeah, definitely.
Right, well they've gotta have rules, isn't there? It's just about winning.
No, not in a war there isn't rules.
What's extraordinary about the idea of English fair play is you know, famously the, you know, the approach during the first World War, that we would sort of walk up out of the trenches onto no man's land, m; and sort of politely march at a slow, steady pace across towards the enemy.
I know.
I mean, and then we were just being machine-gunned down.
I mean, it was absurd.
Well, and that's the one they had to, kind of, knock about stuff, didn't they? They took you know, the game of football.
In no man's land, yeah.
Christmas Day.
Well who, who took a football there? Uh, if I was on the front line, I would not be getting out the rulebook.
I can tell you that much.
I'd be going mental.
Are you saying there should be some rules or no rules? I mean, you gotta have some rules, otherwise it's just gonna be like Grand Theft Auto, isn't it? I'm just gonna go about battering everyone.
Yeah.
And you soon get bored of that.
Which rules would you repeal that already exist, that you don't like? Uh, it's a shame you can't tip as much as you used to be able to.
You mean in a restaurant? No, just when you're getting rid of a mattress, sort of thing.
So fly-tipping.
You'd like to see more fly-tipping.
What, what, what do you mean? This is something so personal.
He's fed up.
He had to take something.
No it's, it's just that they used to put stuff outside the house, and just like you had mattresses, you had sideboards, uh, sewing machines.
The thing is, it was, it was a good way of recycling.
Now, they say recycle, but we're not recycling.
It's just being put in a bin.
I'm saying if you've got old furniture, you should be allowed to leave it outside your house without the council going, "Move that, it's dangerous.
Someone's gonna trip over it.
" RICKY: Hmm.
Right.
'Cause if they trip over it, they should've been looking where they're going.
Well, what if they're blind? What? What if they're blind? That's why you don't leave things out on the pavement.
'Cause blind people will fall over them and smack their face in.
No, because I'm, I'm leaving it I'm not leaving it on the, on the pavement.
Well you just said you were.
Where are you leaving it? Sort of outside the house.
Where are you leaving it, Karl? You haven't established where you're leaving this yet.
Because so far, a blind person has fallen over and broken his nose and lost two teeth.
I've never seen a blind person trip over anything.
You've never seen a blind person trip over anything? Definitely not.
They're they're better on their feet than some people, 'cause they're more cautious, aren't they? It'd make it more fun for them, if anything.
Why can't you just have this stuff collected by a secondhand shop, or send it to a charity? Because they won't they don't come, Steve.
Honestly, they don't.
I've, I've called up people, and they're saying, "Yeah we'll be there in an hour.
" And I say, "Right.
I'm gonna put it out on the street", "and are you gonna come and get it?" "Yeah, we'll be there.
" An hour passes by.
They haven't been.
Suddenly the council rode past.
Just blind people all over the place.
On the floor, bloodied noses And the council, say I call them up.
"Do you want to shift it?" "Well we might, but don't know when.
" "Well it's outside the house now.
" "Well you can't leave it there.
" "It's your responsibility.
You'll have to stay with it.
" Suddenly I'm wasting time, sat outside me house with rubbish that someone else might want, but you're not allowed to leave there 'cause a blind person might come along.
What's the dog doing? What do you make of St.
George, the patron saint? What's your take on that? Is he the one who killed the dragon? Right.
Tell us the story.
There was a dragon problem.
Where? Must have been in England.
Right.
Um, George took it on.
He took on the job.
He was like a rent-a-kill.
Uh, he came out.
The interesting thing with him is, right, he was a hero then.
I honestly think if he did that now, there'd be an uproar.
Because it's the last, it's the last dragon.
It's the same way we try to save the panda and all that now.
If he came out and said, "I've done it," "You've done what?" "I've just killed the last dragon.
" They'd go mental.
There'd be marches.
"Idiot, bloody idiot!" And that's what's interesting.
"But it was, it was going around burning people.
" "Doesn't matter.
We shouldn't, we shouldn't have killed the last one.
" "It's the last one.
" And that's what it would be like.
They'd say, "You should have saved it.
" "You should have captured it and put it in a cage so we can all look at it and stuff.
" "There's no point.
It couldn't have bred anyway.
It was the last one.
" Was it definitely the last one? Well, you were saying it was the last one.
I'm not bothered either way.
Hang on.
What, sorry? To me, hang on whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you think that there were dragons? Well, what are we celebrating then? Well it could be a metaphor, a dragon slayer.
It could be, um, a, a bad thing amongst us.
It could be a foreign threat.
It could be things that threaten honor.
It could be anything.
It could it's not, it's not to be taken literally, is it? But the real legend of George was that he was a figure who uh, stood up for Christianity.
Have you ever done anything brave? There was a kid at school who used to have epileptic fits a lot, and the teacher used to always say, "If it happens, grab his tongue.
" And I sort of had a go at that once, his tongue.
His tong? Yeah.
What, what did he have a tong for? To pick stuff up? What do you mean a tong? His tongue, in his mouth.
Oh, his tongue.
Oh, his tongue.
All right, go on.
And they used to say, "If he starts, if he starts doing it uh", "grab his tongue and that.
" And, and I sort of had a go at that once.
And it was, wasn't nice.
Well, how'd you grab it? Well, you grabbed his tongue, did you? Well I tried to.
It's like grabbing a slug.
And plus, his mouth's going up and down.
What do you think is gonna happen to me hand there? So you sort of do that thing where you go So you fight you were trying to grab a hold of a kid's tongue, yeah? And he was He's throwing himself all over the place.
It was in a physics lesson.
I sort of had a go, and then I thought, this isn't happening.
So I just sort of kept putting me hand in, like I'm having a go, but in me head, I was going, I'm not gonna get a hold of it.
What you could have used is a pair of tongs.
Well firstly, I don't see why this is brave.
Uh, kid's having an epileptic fit, and you're just pleased to help him out.
I don't know why that's bravery, but even given that, the fact that you were thinking more about yourself in that situation than this other kid.
You were thinking, "I'll make it look like I'm helping, but I'm not, really.
" And yet there's this kid having an epileptic fit.
Well, I did I did at the beginning.
I tried.
Doesn't that sum you up, Karl? Selfish? No, no it doesn't, because at no one else was having a go.
At least I did try and grab it at one point.
You weren't doing anything! You were just making it look like you were.
Have you ever tried to grab a tongue? It's like chasing a chicken.
It's murder.
And after a while, it wears you out.
And it was weird anyway, 'cause it was like What was he doing it for? I don't know.
What I don't even know after hours of chasing this kid's tongue I love, I love the idea, "Have you ever tried grabbing a tongue," is a, is a valid question.
I love that he's annoyed.
He's annoyed that this poor kid's having an epileptic fit.
What was your technique? Were you trying to grab it sort of like Just, just with your thumb and your whatsit finger.
- Like a pincher thing.
- Yeah? But it was because his mouth's going down, and all that.
Was he shouting or just No, just throwing himself around.
So that's your one attempt at bravery.
Well, hang on a minute.
Let me just think.
Trying to grab a tongue.
There was the time you were chased by a bee, and you scored a goal.
I forget about that.
That, that isn't really bravery, is it? As you were, as you were running away from a bee, and the ball happened to hit your foot and go in.
Does that count as bravery? I love that when he goes up to the pearly gates, and John goes, "Well, you know, have you done any act of courage?" "Uh, I pretended to grab a tongue.
" "A what?" "A tongue.
" "A tongue?" "Yeah.
"Uh, I got chased by a bee, scored a goal.
" "That doesn't count as brave at all.
"
This is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right? Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
The idea of Englishness and England is quite a vague term, isn't it? It's you can play loose and fast with it.
I mean, for instance, I was, uh, looking at some quotes about England and John Major, former prime minister, he typified England as being a place of long shadows on county cricket grounds, warm beer, invincible green suburbs, dog lovers, and old maids bicycling through the morning mist.
Very specific vision of England.
Yeah, but he never came to the estate that I was born on Sure.
Or Karl was you know what I mean? So, what is your typical image of an Englishman now? If I had to draw it for an alien? Yeah.
Um, he'd be, uh, quite squat, uh, quite sturdy, sort of no neck, um, hairy Are you just thinking of yourself? Do you know what? It would be my build, with Karl's head.
Really? And no neck.
Yeah, I think he's sort of balding and unshaven and, uh, he's like a shaved caveman.
I think he's he's tough.
He'd have tats, he'd He'd eat like a dog It's the bulldog breed.
It is the bulldog breed.
I am thinking of the bulldog breed, yeah.
See, now my image of an Englishman is is essentially that cliched one.
It is, I think, Hugh Grant So you're modern.
You're straightaway modern now.
Well, or I would say, it's either mixed between Hugh Grant and Roger Moore, when he was James Bond.
Do you know what I mean? You see, that's another That's another small percentage of Englishness that sort of annoys me.
Those people that think they're James Bond.
They think they can buy a suit and read GQ, and they're suave and sophisticated, and they get cars they can't afford.
All they do is work in a bank, come home, and flick through GQ at the adverts, looking at people in with wearing watches and aftershave.
Who wears aftershave? Do you wear aftershave, Karl? Uh, normally it's it aftershave is a sort of thing I let other people buy me.
It's like underpants.
Underpants, tea towels, and sort of aftershave and that, other people buy me.
Who's buying you tea towels? - Me mum.
- Right, okay.
Me mum, every time she turns up, she's got Brillo pads and stuff.
I've got loads of 'em.
I keep saying to her, I don't need any of this, but she always brings a box full of stuff.
"Brillo pads, tea towels, underpants.
" The underpants size hasn't gone up since I was 14.
But that's I can rely on her for that.
So do you not have anything in your life which you would think of as being gentlemanly? Do you ever dress smartly? What about suits? I bought one suit that time when you invited me to the BAFTAs.
That's the only suit.
I think I wore it for one other thing.
I haven't wore it since.
I don't like I don't feel comfortable.
It's not me.
But don't you go to a wedding That would be a lovely advert, wouldn't it? Him with a suit, and going, "I haven't wore it since.
" I don't go to weddings.
No, I don't like going to 'em.
I agree.
I mean even though you know 'em, they don't give you any time when you're there, do they? They just sort of they don't know whether you're there or not.
They're on cloud nine.
They don't know who's around.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
You don't need to be there.
It's all with them, on the wedding day, it's all me, me, me, isn't it? Well firstly, I'm annoyed about the wedding list.
I don't know when that's come along, because I don't know why I can't just bring maybe something I've made at home.
You know? Why has there gotta be a list of stuff? What bride what newly married bride doesn't want a pair of homemade clogs? Exactly.
Do you know what I mean? Ibut saying that, I think people very much appreciate you being at their wedding.
No They do.
They remember if you were there.
No they don't.
They don't.
They do.
You don't get invited to weddings 'cause you ain't got any mates.
No I have, I've got I know enough people.
Everyone's getting married.
But it's They're always in the middle of nowhere That now that annoys me, when people say, "Come to our wedding.
Yeah! Fun wedding!" "We're having it in Greece.
" Well the thing that drives me insane when you do go, is when they put you at a table with people you don't know.
Well that's I got all me mates there, and they put what, 'cause I gotta mingle with some people? I don't care.
I don't need these need these people.
I have enough friends.
But that's why I'm not good at talking to people once.
Talking to people who you don't know.
No.
What sort of stuff would you make conversation about at a wedding? Uh, I'd probably say, oh, first of all, "How do you know 'em? How do you know the people getting married?" Yeah.
And then like, you know, "Do you think it'll last?" Imagine getting imagine inviting Karl Pilkington, having to go, "Where should we put him?" "Oh, I don't know.
Is there is there a table for one?" Oh, just He'll be at a table with the kids.
Imagine being stuck with Karl Pilkington at a wedding.
Yeah, what else? So you've asked 'em "Do you think it'll last?" They've gone, "I'm sorry? Who are you?" "I'm Karl Pilkington from Manchester.
" "Right.
Yes, we think it'll last.
" What else would you ask them? What's your next Um the last wedding I went to, it's going back a couple of years, but everyone seems a bit snidey.
Do you know what I mean? 'Cause you've got a mixture of families there, haven't you? Yeah.
And none of 'em really like each other.
And I got stuck with an old fellow who had a flatulence problem.
That sounds fun.
And then he went on to say, "It doesn't matter.
This suit's hired.
" And then it's just kind of I'm gonna die! I just don't like 'em.
I love that! I love it! He's basically saying, at a wedding, it doesn't matter if I shit myself 'cause the suit's hired! Oh! Maybe it's that thing that I don't appreciate what I've got, but to me, being English isn't anything that great.
Really? Why not? 'Cause, uh, it's just what I've been dealt with.
If you could be any nationality, what would you be and why? Um, probably Italian.
Okay, why? Well just, uh, yeah I like the idea of it.
I like Italians are all right.
Where would you live? Rome? Probably I probably wouldn't wanna be in in the middle of Rome.
It's too much hassle.
Have you been to Rome? Yeah.
It's nice to visit and stuff.
It's good.
Lot of old stuff.
Why have you chosen Italy? I'm interested to know why, of all the countries, you've chosen Italy? I was a latecomer to pasta.
That is, when you're 'round.
I like it now.
It's like one of me favorite things they have.
Um, which there isn't really anything like that in England.
That, even though it's Well, all except pasta.
Pasta's exactly like it.
No, but it's not Yeah we got we got pasta, haven't we? It's not ours, though, is it? And we don't know how to eat it.
What do you mean we don't know how to eat it? We, we to it all wrong.
Do you, do you stick it up your ass again? Look at me, I know how to fucking eat it.
No, but what I mean is if, if you saw a proper Italian, and they saw what we did to pasta, they would not be happy.
What're we doing wrong? Tell me what we're doing wrong with pasta.
Well I don't know that otherwise we wouldn't be doing it Then how do you know we're doing it wrong? I've just heard we do it wrong.
It's like how we, we have the coffee at all the wrong times.
They order the cappuccino somewhere and the Italian fella said, "You shouldn't be having that now.
It's breakfast coffee.
" Yeah it is, yeah, before 12 o'clock, yeah.
Yeah, but I was having it like quarter to eleven at night.
Oh, wow.
Well that'absurd.
How you gonna get to sleep with a cup of coffee? Well, I don't sleep anyway.
You shouldn't drink coffee anyway at night.
Full stop.
So hang on.
So you love pasta, but you're not eating it right, so you'd like to be Italian in order to be able to eat pasta correctly? Even though you enjoy the pasta you eat? What do you feel being Italian, uh, is, and what It's just very sort of, uh, it's a relaxed lifestyle.
Whenever you to go to Italy, everyone's outside a cafe.
It doesn't matter what sort of person you are.
Karl, that's all you do now with your spare time, is sit outside a cafe.
Yes, but they get more respect over there for Why? It's it's like it's okay to do that.
There's older people sat outside cafes who do nothing.
I love the fact that They're probably retired.
He wants to be Italian so he can sit outside a cafe, and get more respect than he does now sitting outside a cafe.
No, but everyone's rushing about here.
People have like, colder coffee.
They have frappuccinos here 'cause they haven't got time to have a hot coffee.
It's like they've got a coffee with ice and so I can neck it.
Get down me neck and get on with me day.
Relax, enjoy your coffee.
I don't understand the rush.
But the reason you enjoy Italy is 'cause when you were there, you were on holiday.
That's why you're able to chill out and relax.
No, no.
When you say it's old people, old people sat in some little Sicilian village.
Of course they, they got no money Here.
I went to the Salvation Army.
- Right.
- Why? 'Cause it's nice.
What do you mean? You get, you get, you can get toast and a cup of tea for a pound.
Karl, you little skinflint.
That's just, that that should be the going rate.
Steve, I'm surprised I haven't seen you in there, to be honest.
But the thing is Where is it? Now Just near Camden.
What is it is it like old people? A lot of old people, mainly old people.
Um, and this is what I'm saying.
These are people who are old and they sat in a cafe.
But they don't get any respect.
People walking past 'em, they don't wanna go in, the way you reacted when I said I was in the Salvation Army.
That's the reaction they get.
Yet an old Italian person, they're looked after better.
Well it's certainly true, they look after their older families.
Right.
And that's all I'm saying.
Whereas, I mean it's a lovely place, Salvation Army.
Every old fellow in there's got a tie on.
Yeah.
They make an effort.
So anyway, yeah, that's, that's what I like about Italians and that.
There's, there's a lot of respect.
So you want to be Italian because when you're old, you can sit outside a cafe and get more respect than you do here? Yeah.
Look at the old people in this country.
They never look happy, do they, really? Most of the time, when you see 'em walking around, they get, they go to pot.
No one's keeping an eye on 'em.
Well, it's an important thing, isn't it? That, that, um, my, uh, my mum, this is when she was about sixty, sixty-five, there was a, a neighbor who was, uh, like, you know, eighty-five, ninety.
And my mom used to go 'round there every day.
"Do you want any shopping? Do it, right?" But I remember calling her once, and, uh, she'd come back.
I said "What have you been doing?" She went, "Oh, I've been 'round so-and-so's.
" I went "All right.
" She went, "Ugh, she won't die, Rick.
" Like, she's helping her, but she's thinking, "This is getting silly now.
" "You were meant to go years ago here.
" Well that's the problem, you know.
If you, if you get pally with an old person Yeah.
then you could be stuck with them for years.
And having to do stuff, you know.
That's what you don't wanna do, isn't it? You, you, you meet an old, you know, an old fella, and then you gotta start, um, popping in his sort of piles or whatever when he can't do 'em himself.
You know, what do you do if you're It depends how friendly you are, though.
I mean I'm just talking about someone you meet at the bus stop, as opposed to popping the piles back in.
How does that happen? Jesus.
Just the ones on, on the estate I grew up on.
Soon as you got to a certain age, it was Mrs.
Knowles who went mental.
One day she seemed fine.
Next day she was chucking cans in everyone's garden.
You could just hear her coming.
Which was weird.
Actually, now you've brought up weird people, Go on.
There was a fellow called Shorts Man, right? It's so pedestrian! I love the fact Shorts Man wore some shorts? Now, now what I liked yeah, he did, but they, they were really short.
They were that sort where, you know, it's almost pointless having 'em on.
What do you mean? They were just you know like, shorts now for blokes, they go up to your knees, don't they? There's no chance, there's no accident happening there.
Go on.
There's nothing gonna pop out.
- Yeah.
- No.
But Shorts Man, he liked it.
He liked the fact that that happened.
And he used to walk with, with big strides, to sort of help the chance along.
So that he knew, with the big strides and the short shorts Yeah? - They were gonna pop out.
- Did you ever see it pop out? Yeah.
Why were you looking at his shorts? Just because it was, it was like, it was like playing buckaroo.
It was like, when are they gonna pop out? But what It's just what happened.
So, right.
But Shorts Man, so he was an exhibitionist.
He liked he obviously wanted people to see his veg Yeah.
And they were out more than they were in.
I mean they, they had a tan, right? Now the thing is What what we like in England, I think we like that.
We like local characters.
The eccentric.
Yeah, eccentrics, very, that's very British, eccentrics, yeah, yeah.
And I, and I I'm glad I grew up 'round there with all them people So am I.
'cause they were interesting.
Do you think there's a big difference, Karl, between the Englishman of yesteryear who didn't complain I mean, he just got on with things.
He might have whinged about the weather and the like, um, but he just got on with things, you know.
- He carried an umbrella.
- Yeah.
Didn't whinge about anything.
Whereas nowadays, people are getting their Prozac, and their antidepressant pills, they're going to therapy Yeah.
He kept out of stuff, as well.
Why are we getting involved now in everything? Thoughts on that, Karl? Uh, it's news now, isn't it? "Sometimes I think, don't tell me, don't wanna know.
" Just get on with it.
Whoever's job that is, get on with it.
Yeah.
Why am I being told about it? When I've got a problem in my job, no one else knows.
No one helps me out and goes, "Well, I've got an opinion for him.
" "This might help him.
" No one helps me.
But I'm being bombarded by everyone else's hassle.
They love talking, actually.
That's what the English do.
Talking, but they never finalize it.
They love just being in the meeting room, talking.
Saying "Yeah, we could do this, we could do that.
" I'm the only one in that room not getting paid.
Everyone else is on a wage.
I'm there looking at me watch, thinking "Right, I've been here for an hour, nothing's been sorted.
" They're looking, thinking "We can drag this out for another half hour, get us to lunch.
" That's what annoys me.
They're all sat there, just pushing bullshit around the room like dung beetles.
I'm sick of it.
And that's what the English do.
Oh.
And it's a shame 'cause I don't think they used to be like that.
I wish everybody just sort of kept to themselves more.
Like, you know, certain animals do.
Just get on with it.
It's like the old-fashioned way.
Like what? What animals? What animals keep to themselves? Well any, any animals keep themselves to themselves.
Like what? Loads of things.
What keeps what animals keep to themselves? Badgers.
Why do they keep to themselves? Just, I don't know.
They just When, whenever you see them they're sort of wandering about a roadside, they're on their own.
Right.
They're not, they're not, What are they doing? Sort of in pairs.
I don't know.
Most of the time, they're dead.
I've seen more dead badgers than alive ones.
I've never seen a live badger.
I don't know what his point is.
So that's so that's why they're one, alone, and two, getting on with it.
I love it.
Most of the I love that he started off with some kind of poetic analogy, I don't know what that was.
Most of the time I just uh Oh, God! Um, I like this thing of, the Englishmen I knew, growing up, um, was uh, you had to when you hit a certain age, when you hit, like, manhood, or puberty or whatever, 13, 14, 15, you had to start showing your mettle.
You had to be tough.
Um, I remember all right, when I first started going to pubs, right? So I'm, I don't know, say 18.
You walk into a toilet with urinals, and the first thing everyone did was fart and gob.
Yeah.
That was it, right? If you couldn't do that, then uh, you know, you'd get funny looks.
You know, you're going to the urinal, and they'd look at you like, "Oh, sorry.
" It was all about, um, being a man.
You know.
I think wearing glasses makes you slightly exempt from that.
It's like you don't have to people automatically dissociate It's like, if I was in prison, I wouldn't have to do that, 'cause I'd just be "The Professor.
" Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? Or "Brains.
" RICKY: Exactly, yeah.
I would, they would Yeah, they'd come to you with I'm never a threat, 'cause I never look like I'm gonna be a tough guy.
So consequently, I live in this sort of parallel stratosphere, where I haven't gotta piss and gob.
Yeah.
Has that got more popular? Yes.
Has it? There's a lot of gobbing? Yeah, there's a lot more people doing in the streets now.
Really? Not in, not in Hampstead? It's like avoiding It still is, you know.
When I walk, walk here The only person gobbing in Hampstead is me.
Jane says, "Don't gob.
People are looking.
" Well it is, it's your trail that I'm seeing, then.
It's like a load of, sort of washed-up jellyfish in London.
Just big blobs of it.
I mean, I don't know how they're coughing this stuff up.
I mean, they shouldn't still be alive.
Some of them have, like, organs in them.
It's just big lumps of stuff.
I mean that list of idyllic, antiquated England of, you know, tea and cakes and cricket, I mean is, is valid.
But I think the things that sum up Englishness, I mean talking of the weather, I think drinking, uh, war We love a ruck.
Yeah.
We're built on war.
We're a warrior race.
We're pretty good at war.
Talking of the um, English sense of fair play, and war, when, um, the crossbow was invented, a lot of people wouldn't use it.
They said it was un-Christian.
So our soldiers sort of resisted it.
So Europeans got this thing that needed no skill, and it was shooting these bolts, and they could reload quick.
And uh, versus our, our bowmen.
What do you think of that? What do you think of going, "Oh, it's cheating.
We won't use it.
" But having a disadvantage? That's honor, isn't it? But what, what's the problem here? What am I meant to be worrying about? Well you've got, you've got bow and arrows.
They're amazing.
They're heavy.
Someone comes along, goes, "Don't worry about that.
Here's a crossbow.
Just pop it in, pull it back" "Deadly.
Deadly, quick, anyone can use it.
" So now you've got anyone with a crossbow killing people.
Women, children Anyone can use it.
So the Europeans, they're going crazy.
But we resisted it because we thought it was, you know, un-Christian and cheating, to kill without skill.
What do you think of that? But where were the, where were the actual bows and that being made? 'Cause that's the thing, isn't it? The company who's making 'em, they just want to get out to a big market.
Brilliant.
That's, that's what they do now with the iPod and everything.
It's not about people wanting more music than ever before.
That's not the case.
It's about having it, having the accessory.
And if the bow and arrow was, like, sold as this, you know, "Light to carry, for all the family.
" That's, that's how it would have happened.
That's where it's all about.
Ye New Bow and Arrow, from Ronco.
But what, what do you think the problem is? Yeah, but you're not quite getting Ricky's point.
His point is, the idea of there being sort of rules, and fair play, and etiquette in war.
The objective is to kill the enemy.
I don't I don't think that's the place.
I don't think war and that is a place to start getting all uppity about someone cheating, or having a better system.
Oh, really? You think all fair in love and war, do you? Yeah, definitely.
Right, well they've gotta have rules, isn't there? It's just about winning.
No, not in a war there isn't rules.
What's extraordinary about the idea of English fair play is you know, famously the, you know, the approach during the first World War, that we would sort of walk up out of the trenches onto no man's land, m; and sort of politely march at a slow, steady pace across towards the enemy.
I know.
I mean, and then we were just being machine-gunned down.
I mean, it was absurd.
Well, and that's the one they had to, kind of, knock about stuff, didn't they? They took you know, the game of football.
In no man's land, yeah.
Christmas Day.
Well who, who took a football there? Uh, if I was on the front line, I would not be getting out the rulebook.
I can tell you that much.
I'd be going mental.
Are you saying there should be some rules or no rules? I mean, you gotta have some rules, otherwise it's just gonna be like Grand Theft Auto, isn't it? I'm just gonna go about battering everyone.
Yeah.
And you soon get bored of that.
Which rules would you repeal that already exist, that you don't like? Uh, it's a shame you can't tip as much as you used to be able to.
You mean in a restaurant? No, just when you're getting rid of a mattress, sort of thing.
So fly-tipping.
You'd like to see more fly-tipping.
What, what, what do you mean? This is something so personal.
He's fed up.
He had to take something.
No it's, it's just that they used to put stuff outside the house, and just like you had mattresses, you had sideboards, uh, sewing machines.
The thing is, it was, it was a good way of recycling.
Now, they say recycle, but we're not recycling.
It's just being put in a bin.
I'm saying if you've got old furniture, you should be allowed to leave it outside your house without the council going, "Move that, it's dangerous.
Someone's gonna trip over it.
" RICKY: Hmm.
Right.
'Cause if they trip over it, they should've been looking where they're going.
Well, what if they're blind? What? What if they're blind? That's why you don't leave things out on the pavement.
'Cause blind people will fall over them and smack their face in.
No, because I'm, I'm leaving it I'm not leaving it on the, on the pavement.
Well you just said you were.
Where are you leaving it? Sort of outside the house.
Where are you leaving it, Karl? You haven't established where you're leaving this yet.
Because so far, a blind person has fallen over and broken his nose and lost two teeth.
I've never seen a blind person trip over anything.
You've never seen a blind person trip over anything? Definitely not.
They're they're better on their feet than some people, 'cause they're more cautious, aren't they? It'd make it more fun for them, if anything.
Why can't you just have this stuff collected by a secondhand shop, or send it to a charity? Because they won't they don't come, Steve.
Honestly, they don't.
I've, I've called up people, and they're saying, "Yeah we'll be there in an hour.
" And I say, "Right.
I'm gonna put it out on the street", "and are you gonna come and get it?" "Yeah, we'll be there.
" An hour passes by.
They haven't been.
Suddenly the council rode past.
Just blind people all over the place.
On the floor, bloodied noses And the council, say I call them up.
"Do you want to shift it?" "Well we might, but don't know when.
" "Well it's outside the house now.
" "Well you can't leave it there.
" "It's your responsibility.
You'll have to stay with it.
" Suddenly I'm wasting time, sat outside me house with rubbish that someone else might want, but you're not allowed to leave there 'cause a blind person might come along.
What's the dog doing? What do you make of St.
George, the patron saint? What's your take on that? Is he the one who killed the dragon? Right.
Tell us the story.
There was a dragon problem.
Where? Must have been in England.
Right.
Um, George took it on.
He took on the job.
He was like a rent-a-kill.
Uh, he came out.
The interesting thing with him is, right, he was a hero then.
I honestly think if he did that now, there'd be an uproar.
Because it's the last, it's the last dragon.
It's the same way we try to save the panda and all that now.
If he came out and said, "I've done it," "You've done what?" "I've just killed the last dragon.
" They'd go mental.
There'd be marches.
"Idiot, bloody idiot!" And that's what's interesting.
"But it was, it was going around burning people.
" "Doesn't matter.
We shouldn't, we shouldn't have killed the last one.
" "It's the last one.
" And that's what it would be like.
They'd say, "You should have saved it.
" "You should have captured it and put it in a cage so we can all look at it and stuff.
" "There's no point.
It couldn't have bred anyway.
It was the last one.
" Was it definitely the last one? Well, you were saying it was the last one.
I'm not bothered either way.
Hang on.
What, sorry? To me, hang on whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you think that there were dragons? Well, what are we celebrating then? Well it could be a metaphor, a dragon slayer.
It could be, um, a, a bad thing amongst us.
It could be a foreign threat.
It could be things that threaten honor.
It could be anything.
It could it's not, it's not to be taken literally, is it? But the real legend of George was that he was a figure who uh, stood up for Christianity.
Have you ever done anything brave? There was a kid at school who used to have epileptic fits a lot, and the teacher used to always say, "If it happens, grab his tongue.
" And I sort of had a go at that once, his tongue.
His tong? Yeah.
What, what did he have a tong for? To pick stuff up? What do you mean a tong? His tongue, in his mouth.
Oh, his tongue.
Oh, his tongue.
All right, go on.
And they used to say, "If he starts, if he starts doing it uh", "grab his tongue and that.
" And, and I sort of had a go at that once.
And it was, wasn't nice.
Well, how'd you grab it? Well, you grabbed his tongue, did you? Well I tried to.
It's like grabbing a slug.
And plus, his mouth's going up and down.
What do you think is gonna happen to me hand there? So you sort of do that thing where you go So you fight you were trying to grab a hold of a kid's tongue, yeah? And he was He's throwing himself all over the place.
It was in a physics lesson.
I sort of had a go, and then I thought, this isn't happening.
So I just sort of kept putting me hand in, like I'm having a go, but in me head, I was going, I'm not gonna get a hold of it.
What you could have used is a pair of tongs.
Well firstly, I don't see why this is brave.
Uh, kid's having an epileptic fit, and you're just pleased to help him out.
I don't know why that's bravery, but even given that, the fact that you were thinking more about yourself in that situation than this other kid.
You were thinking, "I'll make it look like I'm helping, but I'm not, really.
" And yet there's this kid having an epileptic fit.
Well, I did I did at the beginning.
I tried.
Doesn't that sum you up, Karl? Selfish? No, no it doesn't, because at no one else was having a go.
At least I did try and grab it at one point.
You weren't doing anything! You were just making it look like you were.
Have you ever tried to grab a tongue? It's like chasing a chicken.
It's murder.
And after a while, it wears you out.
And it was weird anyway, 'cause it was like What was he doing it for? I don't know.
What I don't even know after hours of chasing this kid's tongue I love, I love the idea, "Have you ever tried grabbing a tongue," is a, is a valid question.
I love that he's annoyed.
He's annoyed that this poor kid's having an epileptic fit.
What was your technique? Were you trying to grab it sort of like Just, just with your thumb and your whatsit finger.
- Like a pincher thing.
- Yeah? But it was because his mouth's going down, and all that.
Was he shouting or just No, just throwing himself around.
So that's your one attempt at bravery.
Well, hang on a minute.
Let me just think.
Trying to grab a tongue.
There was the time you were chased by a bee, and you scored a goal.
I forget about that.
That, that isn't really bravery, is it? As you were, as you were running away from a bee, and the ball happened to hit your foot and go in.
Does that count as bravery? I love that when he goes up to the pearly gates, and John goes, "Well, you know, have you done any act of courage?" "Uh, I pretended to grab a tongue.
" "A what?" "A tongue.
" "A tongue?" "Yeah.
"Uh, I got chased by a bee, scored a goal.
" "That doesn't count as brave at all.
"