The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s03e13 Episode Script
The Year
For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations and this is one of them Ricky: Testing.
Is that right? Ricky: Hello and welcome to the Ricky Gervais show with me Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.
Hello and the little round headed buff on that is Karl Pilkington.
All right.
- **** - Go on.
Nah, I'm just saying you know, when you look it like that over a year.
Yeah.
It's the last stuff that's going on what's * for you? If you were doing your own review of the year, what would you put in the front cover? Uhh the day I grew up, I was I was eating biscuits.
All right.
Just because you know, it's uh.
.
I never thought of saying that this year.
So it was just I was there on the computer.
Just having a cup of tea and a biscuit and I put th biscuit on the windowsill - so I picked it up.
- Why would you do that? Why did you have a biscuit on the windowsill? Because I'm sat next to the windowsill.
It's like some sort of cartoon.
I put the pie on the windowsill to cool down.
Yeah.
*** stole it.
So I was eating that and uh I was enjoying it.
Put the rest of it back down from next right after the cup tea.
And uh I saw.
*** down.
This is Well, we'll read about this later in the diary.
So and then I saw like a little crumb moving and I thought what is going on there? : Yeh.
- So I looked down closer and there's an insect, that is see-through but with legs.
And just sort of running off with a crumb until I could *** and when I looked I noticed there were lots of these little see thru things and they were obviously all like: Oh a biscuit.
That's exactly what they were saying.
Let's all get over here.
Like I said it was amazing cos it was they're Miles away from what I am about.
Karl: - And yet.
Bug: - Not that far.
But they still like a bit of biscuit and they just wait that that happen and Karl: That's what's nice, isn't it? That's what's nice about the nature of the world.
You know we can invent iPods.
We can bring out better vacuum cleaners.
Erm.
.
At the end of the day, you can't make nature up.
- And see the see-through thing eating a biscuit.
- :- You did.
Err.
.
That's why of sort of where I've gone this year I'd say uh anything.
I've sort of gone anywhere to to learn more stuff about weird stuff.
I don't know what you've learnt.
- You've learnt that uh - A creature which you can't even identify you don't know, right? You don't know what it is looked like it nicked a bit of crumb? I don't know what knowledge is that.
What is that, how is that useful? - Just because everything is changing.
- But it's not useful.
It's not useful to you and it's not useful to anybody.
You can't pass that on that as knowledge cos you don't know what it was.
- But Karl thinks - But why happens, why it happens? Rick, Karl thinks that the grub has *** a taste *** - in the same way that Karl does.
- Yeh that's why he's amazed.
He says I can't believe it.
We both love hoblops.
*** what I am saying is that these things have been around for years.
- Yes.
- Maybe longer than us.
- Yes.
- Right? Now, their life isn't changing in the way that I was at.
They live in a little crack in the wall.
Yes.
But, they're eating biscuit - prfffff.
- And that was never meant to happen.
The squirrels in the park, there's people feeding them Mars bars and everything.
They're getting fatter, they're getting bigger, they're getting more violent now all the time, you know, they're gonna cause more trouble in there.
Well, what makes you think they are violent? Just cos when I'm sat in the park and what have you.
They really like coffee and they come at you now, and sort of just jump up on the bench and sort of attack you for food.
They are not happy with acrons now, they want a bit of croissant.
And that's what I am saying, they've changed.
They are changing all the time.
Just when that grub having a biscuit.
Everything's just trying different food out.
They'll eat a gato soon everything is getting more intelligent.
The goldfish.
Memory's got better.
Chickens are more intelligent than people thought they were apparently.
Everything's time, time makes you more intelligent.
Well.
.
No, they do.
That's a fact, isn't it? If you're knocking around longer, then you'll learning more, cos more stuff is going on and you soak it up.
And this is what these insects are doing.
They are all learning.
- You know what I mean? - No.
I saw a cockroach playing PacMan.
It was on the Internet, right, and somebody had linked to the cockroach to a So, I can't even bother explaining it but But that's what I am saying, everything's moving on.
Stephen: Yeah, but, but pac man was such an old game it was like before the Internet.
Yeah, the cockroach is so good.
Get a life, man.
Hello Playstation 3? Hello? Hello? Yesterday's cockroach.
Oh fucking hell.
All I am saying is I do watch a lot of insects and stuff and you never see them wasting time.
They're always doing something.
An ant is carrying something somewhere.
Sometimes I am watching it and it goes somewhere and it comes back again.
I think it doesn't know what it is doing.
But at least it is trying.
What is it doing? What is the ant doing? Work.
He's building a house or.
.
What's the point? It's everything he does is pointless! - How can you say that? - It's pointless, it's just.
.
I'll tell you what.
If there was a bigger sort of being looking over the world and they went like, right, let's look at the human race.
And, oh, they'd look at that ants first.
And they'd go, right.
They've got their hands full.
They are carrying big stuff.
They're trying to save time by carrying stuff that's way too much for them, really.
They could do that between three of them, but they don't.
They are all grafting hard and they go right, hit the human button.
They hit the human button and they watch the humans.
The amount of people who are sat about doing naught lily Allen, in London at 2:00 A.
M.
so what? What are we doing? - I agree with you, but what are you doing? You see, the Allen analogy, joking aside, I think there you hit on the fact that life is about working for what you get, and I am right behind that.
I am right behind that.
I think that I think that's absolutely true.
So then what's dangerous.
Boiling kettle to an ant.
At the end of the day, right, you know, that's that's evil.
Isn't it? What? You know, I don't I mean since I was making out as the medieval man.
We've had an ant problem.
In the garden.
Suzanne said we've gotta get rid of these.
I said: These are a bit out of order, they are out outside.
Yes, but it's getting a lot of them and she went and put the kettle on.
I said I can't handle this.
I went in, all right? What, you didn't want to see the ants dead.
That's sweet, you know, that there.
Yeah, they might be causing a problem but I don't wanna see this, this mess.
I think when she went out, she poured the hot water on it and that ***.
I went out, had a cup of tea and thought, ******.
So I took my cup of tea out there and sat there, and then I just saw one come back from wherever he'd be.
Karl: One ant.
It looked devastated.
Because that might have been away.
As far as I was concerned he'd been out to get a leaf or whatever.
Came back.
Devastation.
And 'sit that what That, that's the thing It summed up death for me, that.
The, the ants are dead, they didn't know anything.
Suddenly, they were there, next minute lots of water.
Dead.
It's the people who are still living in life.
That are the saddest, aren't they, after death? Yeah and that summed it up.
What do you think I think the ant'd been better off being there when it happened.
How could you tell the ant was? So *** I mean they run around in circles anyway, don't they? But this was just kind of what was going on.
What did it do to slow down, when you got near the nest? Did it drop the leaf and you'd see it run the last few inches? It, it just kind of got close, a double-take almost.
Almost like it has gotten here *** and it was like "hang on a minute" this can't be it, there's no one around".
Then he walks in it, "no this is the home".
They went back, and then he just stops for a minute and that for me, that's the sort of thoughts, things that you can look at as a human.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Appreciate, and understand it.
And go like, yes, that is true, that is like life.
Instead of oh am I awake or am I asleep or what.
Well, might as well be asleep because you're doing nothing else.
Oh God.
I was at the supermarket recently.
Just walking past the condoms.
Ah, and uh, you never know when you're gonna run out of balloons.
And uh, it was weird because the condoms in the supermarket are contained in a kind of cane in a plastic cage.
So it makes it all the more embarrassing buying them.
Try to open this thing and, and this guy who works there he's always a sort of middle aged guy, and he works and he is: You have to take that to the checkin.
Sorry, you can't open that yourself.
And so I just left it there, I thought forget it.
I'm not gonna take these to the Cos if you get served by a woman, it's sort of, it's a bit embarrassing.
.
Cos that's all you are buying.
Cause she knows what you're up to.
You're gonna fill 'em up with water and throw 'em at students.
And, um, but anyway.
.
The reason I am mentioning this is cause it reminds me of the conversation we've all enjoyed in the past, Rick.
About when Karl bought for his girlfriend for Christmas, - was it a? - A two pack.
- A two pack.
- Yeah wasn't it - .
.
Of condoms.
Wasn't it buy one get one free? Yeah.
So that was a couple of years ago, Karl.
The thing was "condomgate.
" Have you *** your eyelids up since then? I just think as time goes on You don't sort of buy each other as many presents.
Oh, sorry, that was bumper year, was it? That was, that was a hell of a Oh, I remember when I used to buy this stuff like condoms.
It's gone downhill since then.
Oh no, she didn't know she was getting them.
- What I mean is this last ! Ricky: Of course she didn't.
That's what, that's what I mean, though.
It was sort of interesting too, too, when I gave 'em to her and said, "there you go, open them.
" She was not expecting that.
And as time goes on No, she was probably expectin' a piece jewelry or a holiday in Paris.
It's more difficult when you need to surprise someone isn't over time no, but no, no, no, no, but the surprise thing is always meant to be a good surprise.
Yes, but don't.
If you always get something good,.
It's like the three wise men.
What did they get the second year to the little baby Jesus? You know what I mean? Once he's had that gold It's like, oh, I, I've.
I've sold all my artwork, myself.
I've gotta get, I've gotta get him something better than that now.
It's best to give him the myrrh and Ricky: And next year, get him the gold it is like, you know, how people make a big thing out of have it away for the first time.
And they go, "oh I'm gonna hat tonight.
:".
Not the way to do anything.
You won't get anything done by planning.
That's a quote.
That's an amazing quote.
That would be up there with Newton and Churchill That: You don't get anything done by planning.
Oh, he's only gone and written down for a whole fuckin' year.
That, of course, signifies another reading of Karl's diary.
Let's make the most of it.
Let's enjoy some of the wisdom of Karl pilkington.
I also think, it's the last time ever we will make an entry in this diary because you're not gonna keep it, are you? I don't know yet.
I might just get a smaller one.
But I found that since keeping a diary, I've gone out of me way to more stuff.
Well you say that but Well, let's, let's find out.
Let's find out if that's true.
- No, I have.
- Stephen: I read a bit in the news About people being injured while trying to cut open avocados.
It's food that ain't worth injuring yourself for.
If it's a hassle to get into, well, leave it to the experts.
I have never bought one.
I've also avoided coconuts and pineapples.
The amount of hassle to get into these things outweighs the joys they give.
Karl: Yeah.
It's the same reason why I never bought a pair of Dr.
Martin boots.
"Too much hassle when it's time to take 'em off.
" Yeah, a lot of me mates used to wear 'em in the 80s.
You know, that, you can't just kick 'em off, can you? It's a big upheaval.
Karl, you can unlace them, you know.
All, yeah, I mean since found shoes with velcro, you know what I mean? Why don't you get 'em sponsored? Cause you could wear a velcro toupee.
Stephen: Cause that would be great if we could do that.
If someone could invent a I little hair piece for Karl Velcro's a little bit of Fluffy's got on the top of his head, his shiny, orange-like head.
Pop a little velcro toupee on.
I would love that.
I would to get him wearing a wig.
"Watched a program about twins this morning.
It was filmed 16 years ago.
" "They are mental.
They did everything together including the vacuum up.
" "Phone calls had to happen twice, so they could both have the same chat.
" And they said the same stuff at the same time.
Well weird.
The bloke who I watched it with I don't who that is, just some homeless guy you just invited into the flat? No, just someone I've been sort of working with.
Yes, sure, a mate of yours.
"He said he fantasized about having a way with the pair of twins.
" I don't see the point in this.
"If you're gonna have two of something.
I'd prefer to have two different women.
" "If I had two cars, I wouldn't have the same one twice.
" "Same rule with women.
" "I don't even normally like buying the same pair of trainers twice in a row.
" No, if you're gonna have something new, make it, make a change.
"It's like that fellow who was going out with a woman," and then left her and went out with her twin sister.
Not worth it.
Not worth it.
It's not worth the upheaval, is it? Cause it is exactly the same model.
"My theory about reading old news is right.
" "It's less bad when you know it's old.
" There was a story about a weatherman who was fired yesterday, "for having a nude picture of himself on the Internet.
"But that happen two days ago.
" "He's probably got another job by now.
" "So, old news isn't as shocking.
" Well, old news isn't news though is it? It's olds.
What are you doing? Just reading the olds? No, but what I, what I mean is, if someone Stick the video on of, uh last week's news, I just wanna catch up on the olds.
Yeah but, but then it's still news if you, news is something that you don't know, isn't it? - If someone tells you - But that's everything to you.
- That's information, - Karl, not news.
- Yeah.
But news is information.
No, the key, the key with news is the word "new".
- No, no, no I don't think it is.
Is it? - It is.
It's, it's just, it's just information but they tell you at ten o'clock at night.
It's like, what information's going on? Bong.
Here's some information.
Ricky: Yeah, that you didn't know before cause you couldn't have cause it only happened today.
Bong.
Yeah But never mind that.
I'll tell you in a couple of days.
It doesn't matter as long as you get the same info.
Bong.
Yeah, we can't call it news, though, cause it's misleading.
We get done.
It's called olds.
Bong! Yeah, but listen to me theory.
What I'm saying is, is that if someone in your family You know, I don't wanna bring the tone down but someone dies in your family.
Ricky: Hmm.
Now say if you're away on holiday, and they don't call you because they don't wanna ruin your holiday.
And you come home and they go, Uncle Frank's dead.
And you go, oh, when did that happen? And they go, two weeks ago.
Now because everyone else has got over it, it's not as bad for you.
Because part of bad news is the way everyone's walking around moping, going, "oh, have you heard the news? Frank's dead.
" But because everyone's got over it, time is a healer.
That's what, that's what I mean about old news.
It's better than new news.
But, you, but, but Yeah, but according to you, the only news that really matters is Stuff that affects you.
So it doesn't matter when you, uh There was an earthquake.
Yesterday.
When was it? Phew, that's all right, then.
Often the aftermath is worse than the actual event.
Two, you only care about things that actually happen to you, so The doctor goes, you got a kidney stone.
Oh, when did this happen? Uh, two weeks ago.
Oh, it's all right then.
Doesn't make sense.
No, but the world You're not, you're not upset about dead Uncle Frank Just because other people are upset.
You'd be upset personally.
Wouldn't make any difference when you, when they told you.
Yeah, but it, it is everyone else's emotions that, that make it worse, I think.
Knocking around people who are miserable.
What about warnings? What about when they do things like smog warnings or, you know, there may be a I don't like it on the news when they sort of say, "news just in.
" I think, oh, what's this? You think, oh, what's going on? But it might be useful to know it.
It might be important information.
No it just makes you panic.
What, yeah but, but sometimes knowing stuff keeps you alive.
Yeah, I, I don't know if I like it.
It's, sirens, you see, I don't like sirens, do I? I've said to you I think it's a scary noise.
But it's meant to be so you get out of the way.
No, no, it's not meant to be.
It's, it's a sign to get out of the way.
I prefer it, if it, like I've said There's a voice Hiya, could you just move out of the way for us? It can be anything as long as we, it can be a chicken noise.
But as long as you know Well, that's not gonna freak people out.
No, but it sort of make you smile.
But you, you'd go, oh, let's get out of the way.
What, you're cycling along and you hear what sounds like a giant chicken behind you.
Ricky: And you smile Cause you know that even though someone is burning to death, There's something clucking in my way.
Ricky: doo doo do do doo doo do do Stephen: Oh, that's probably a guy having a heart attack.
"Going to me mom and dad's today.
" Oh.
"Got there and mom and dad, mom made him some dinner.
" "The old woman next door," brackets, "whose mam was a witch" Just popped that in brackets.
Just popped that in brackets I think we've discusses that before, actually, the old woman whose mam was a witch.
Whose mam was a witch.
Yeah.
Oh.
"The old woman next door has been worrying," "cause she keeps seeing adverts on the telly about changing to digital TV.
" "She's saying she doesn't want wires drilled into her walls because that'll make a mess.
" "Me dad told her that it doesn't matter" "Because it probably won't happen until He didn't say that to her, though? No, he did.
They've got, you know, she's old.
It doesn't, she knows she's gonna die.
I mean it's something we all got in common.
And he's right, isn't he, why is she worrying about it? Maybe that's sorted it out, put it into perspective for her.
You will be dead when this happens.
Don't be worrying about it.
"Went to bed around midnight.
"Suzanne and I decided to sleep tops and tails cause it meant we got a bit more room.
"Me dad had cut a bit off the mattress to fit it between two cupboards.
" "It's amazing how much of a difference it makes," "just sawing off a bit of the mattress.
" "You sort of roll to the edge but the weight of the blankets keeps you in.
" This is like something from a Roald dahl book.
No, it's just, it's just, uh You know, you think, anything you can sort of trim anything.
Can't you, and it normally works? But with a mattress, I mean he only took off, I don't know what, how long that is.
But he's sawing off about that much on the mattress, and then has stapled it back together again.
Amazing.
And it just makes so much difference.
Of course it does, cause a mattress is a very carefully-designed object.
Yeah you wouldn't think so, though, would you? Well you would if you had a fucking brain in your nog.
Ricky: So we decided to sleep tops and tails.
He just gets stranger.
Stephen: So strange.
Why? He did it to make the room nicer with the, with the cupboards on either side.
So he sawed a mattress in half? Well, not in half.
Can you imagine how must hard it must be to saw a mattress in half? What did he use, what, a big electric saw? Karl: I, it must have been, yeah, cause there's a lot of Springs and stuff in there.
Stephen: Jesus.
Ricky: So what happened to the Springs? They just spring out the sides? Karl: Well some, some sort of stick out a little bit but you're not lying on top, are you? They come out the side.
So he's just got a bit of gaffer tape and a staple gun.
Unbelievable.
Man alive, it's like Does he run it as a hotel? That's unbelievable.
There are squats with better bedding arrangements.
Stephen: "The mad woman next door saw me and said, hello clive", "you live in a nursery rhyme.
" The old man down the road, the old woman next door whose mom's a witch Uncle alf who lives in a dingy.
This is like, not a real place! It's like fucking Narnia! Stephen: It's a children's TV program.
Unbelievable.
Oh, God.
Oh, just all of them there on this broken mattress trying to find the golden ticket.
Oh, oh, God! Oh, God.
So, uh, what's the big thing of this year? What's the big thing so far? You'll go, oh yeah, that was the year that Uh, I haven't really been following what's going on cause of other, other like, personal issues.
Well, yeah.
What's the big, okay.
What's the big thing? Well it's me boiler is playing up still.
Sick of it.
Stephen: Your what? Your boiler? Me boiler.
The boiler that heats the water up and stuff.
Which it doesn't.
Stephen: You know what I do in that situation? I'd instantly get a repairman out to sort it out.
Done that.
Done that twice.
It was 80 quid for him just to say, yeah, it looks like you need a new one.
Ricky: Why don't you get a new one then? Eighty quid call out.
Because then you wondered, are you meant to believe him Or is he out to sort of try and con you? Ricky: Well, he's the expert.
Yeah, but is he? Well, I don't know.
It's like you're meant to get a second opinion, aren't you like? So, that was the first time then.
So what was the second time? Who came out the second time? Same fella.
Ricky: And what did he say? Why have you called me? Stephen: Well, I thought you were gonna get a second opinion? I know, but I called the company, and they just sent him again because it Stephen: Well, call a different company.
Ricky: What was it? No, no.
What was his second opinion? Eighty quid? Stephen: I undercharged you.
It's 150.
Karl: No, because they must look in the book and sort of go, oh you know, Harry Harry went round there or whatever.
And they must think, well he went there last time.
So he knows the situation.
Stephen: Yeah.
And got the same fella again.
Ricky: Well, and got the same opinion I assume.
Same.
Same answer, yeah.
So, so what's his advice? Um, he just said you know, there are people out there who will touch it If you pay the right money.
Well, okay, so you're gonna get an expert in who does this thing sorted out, so.
Well, no.
I, I called up me dad.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
He always knows someone who can sort, sort stuff out.
And he said, uh Oh, one of your cousins is a, is a boiler man.
And uh, yeah.
They're coming around.
But I've never met him.
And it turns out that, that person Cause like the whole family, you know, I'm not into sort of keeping in touch with people.
Sure.
Haven't spoke to me brother for like, I don't know, 12 years.
And sister about So the idea of this cousin who have, I, I mean He might as well not have said he's my cousin cause I'm not gonna know him anyway.
I mean that last fella Harry, might as well have been related.
So they're gonna turn up.
And now it turns out that because I haven't seen the rest of the family, they're gonna like use this is as a reunion.
Stephen: Oh, what so they're all gonna come around whilst They're all coming around.
Whilst he fixes the boiler? Yeah.
And I hate it.
I hate family things anyway.
Ricky: So they're gonna come around and just look at you? Well, yeah, apart from the one who's fixing it.
He'll be fixing it, and the others will just be sat around sort of going, "so, how have you been?" It's like, well, where do you start? I haven't seen I mean seriously, I mean they are strangers.
When they buzz, I could be letting anyone in.
When they buzz the door.
And so you're going to entertain them all in your flat? Well I said to me dad that I might just say that I've got to go to a meeting, let them in, and then shoot off.
And all it's going to do is dig up problems isn't it? If me cousin was Einstein very nice.
Ricky: Yeah.
But at the end of the day If your cousin was Einstein, then you really are an underachiever.
No, but you know what? If he was, I'd know about it.
I don't reckon you would know about it.
I reckon we would.
Don't think your family would be impressed with Einstein.
Stephen: They would've stayed in touch wouldn't they? Ricky: He was always the weird one with the scruffy hair and his tongue out.
Stephen: Yeah.
I remember our early ambition was to actually be educational As well as hopefully entertaining, and I feel Perhaps at times, we've perhaps slightly shortchanged, listeners in terms of what they're learning.
Well, they're not learning anything because also, um Even as, you know, compared to Karl, we are educated.
But we're guessing a lot of the stuff.
And he flummoxes us you know, sometimes.
Yeah.
I mean, it was fun trying to be pompous and professorial enough just to Just to fight Karl's ignorance.
I think we've learned more new words from Karl than we've learned anything else.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's been a lot of made-up words perhaps more than ever before.
Mmm.
And also some of the most abstract conversations I think we've ever had.
I mean, Karl, as he gets older, becomes more and more arrogant and confident.
Yeah.
He said a new one to me the other day.
Um, there was a problem downloading, and, uh, he said, um They've added to the fuckerage.
Which is good.
Yeah.
No, I reckon the stuff we know is enough now.
And all we tend to do is find problems.
Mmm.
All the mysteries still in the world, the mind-body problem.
What a prick.
What a prick.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How to save the world.
Yeah, but we're not are we? We know it's dying.
We don't know how to fix it.
Not yet we don't.
Turn your lights off.
Ricky: But then we didn't You turn yours off.
Getting sick of it.
Leaflets through the door all the time.
"Turn your heating off.
" "Turn the lights off.
" Living like a mole.
I love his little internal dialogues out loud.
They're fantastic, the little discussions he has with himself.
Oh, I can't wait till he's old.
That's going to be amazing us three.
When we're about 75.
And he's fucking moaning Oh, we're gonna be in a little home together.
It's just Fucking hell.
Oh, Karl.
Do you remember when you were 73? No, do I fuck? Stephen: Tell us the tic tac anecdote again.
Ricky: Oh, what a fucking useless bunch of cunts.
Is that right? Ricky: Hello and welcome to the Ricky Gervais show with me Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.
Hello and the little round headed buff on that is Karl Pilkington.
All right.
- **** - Go on.
Nah, I'm just saying you know, when you look it like that over a year.
Yeah.
It's the last stuff that's going on what's * for you? If you were doing your own review of the year, what would you put in the front cover? Uhh the day I grew up, I was I was eating biscuits.
All right.
Just because you know, it's uh.
.
I never thought of saying that this year.
So it was just I was there on the computer.
Just having a cup of tea and a biscuit and I put th biscuit on the windowsill - so I picked it up.
- Why would you do that? Why did you have a biscuit on the windowsill? Because I'm sat next to the windowsill.
It's like some sort of cartoon.
I put the pie on the windowsill to cool down.
Yeah.
*** stole it.
So I was eating that and uh I was enjoying it.
Put the rest of it back down from next right after the cup tea.
And uh I saw.
*** down.
This is Well, we'll read about this later in the diary.
So and then I saw like a little crumb moving and I thought what is going on there? : Yeh.
- So I looked down closer and there's an insect, that is see-through but with legs.
And just sort of running off with a crumb until I could *** and when I looked I noticed there were lots of these little see thru things and they were obviously all like: Oh a biscuit.
That's exactly what they were saying.
Let's all get over here.
Like I said it was amazing cos it was they're Miles away from what I am about.
Karl: - And yet.
Bug: - Not that far.
But they still like a bit of biscuit and they just wait that that happen and Karl: That's what's nice, isn't it? That's what's nice about the nature of the world.
You know we can invent iPods.
We can bring out better vacuum cleaners.
Erm.
.
At the end of the day, you can't make nature up.
- And see the see-through thing eating a biscuit.
- :- You did.
Err.
.
That's why of sort of where I've gone this year I'd say uh anything.
I've sort of gone anywhere to to learn more stuff about weird stuff.
I don't know what you've learnt.
- You've learnt that uh - A creature which you can't even identify you don't know, right? You don't know what it is looked like it nicked a bit of crumb? I don't know what knowledge is that.
What is that, how is that useful? - Just because everything is changing.
- But it's not useful.
It's not useful to you and it's not useful to anybody.
You can't pass that on that as knowledge cos you don't know what it was.
- But Karl thinks - But why happens, why it happens? Rick, Karl thinks that the grub has *** a taste *** - in the same way that Karl does.
- Yeh that's why he's amazed.
He says I can't believe it.
We both love hoblops.
*** what I am saying is that these things have been around for years.
- Yes.
- Maybe longer than us.
- Yes.
- Right? Now, their life isn't changing in the way that I was at.
They live in a little crack in the wall.
Yes.
But, they're eating biscuit - prfffff.
- And that was never meant to happen.
The squirrels in the park, there's people feeding them Mars bars and everything.
They're getting fatter, they're getting bigger, they're getting more violent now all the time, you know, they're gonna cause more trouble in there.
Well, what makes you think they are violent? Just cos when I'm sat in the park and what have you.
They really like coffee and they come at you now, and sort of just jump up on the bench and sort of attack you for food.
They are not happy with acrons now, they want a bit of croissant.
And that's what I am saying, they've changed.
They are changing all the time.
Just when that grub having a biscuit.
Everything's just trying different food out.
They'll eat a gato soon everything is getting more intelligent.
The goldfish.
Memory's got better.
Chickens are more intelligent than people thought they were apparently.
Everything's time, time makes you more intelligent.
Well.
.
No, they do.
That's a fact, isn't it? If you're knocking around longer, then you'll learning more, cos more stuff is going on and you soak it up.
And this is what these insects are doing.
They are all learning.
- You know what I mean? - No.
I saw a cockroach playing PacMan.
It was on the Internet, right, and somebody had linked to the cockroach to a So, I can't even bother explaining it but But that's what I am saying, everything's moving on.
Stephen: Yeah, but, but pac man was such an old game it was like before the Internet.
Yeah, the cockroach is so good.
Get a life, man.
Hello Playstation 3? Hello? Hello? Yesterday's cockroach.
Oh fucking hell.
All I am saying is I do watch a lot of insects and stuff and you never see them wasting time.
They're always doing something.
An ant is carrying something somewhere.
Sometimes I am watching it and it goes somewhere and it comes back again.
I think it doesn't know what it is doing.
But at least it is trying.
What is it doing? What is the ant doing? Work.
He's building a house or.
.
What's the point? It's everything he does is pointless! - How can you say that? - It's pointless, it's just.
.
I'll tell you what.
If there was a bigger sort of being looking over the world and they went like, right, let's look at the human race.
And, oh, they'd look at that ants first.
And they'd go, right.
They've got their hands full.
They are carrying big stuff.
They're trying to save time by carrying stuff that's way too much for them, really.
They could do that between three of them, but they don't.
They are all grafting hard and they go right, hit the human button.
They hit the human button and they watch the humans.
The amount of people who are sat about doing naught lily Allen, in London at 2:00 A.
M.
so what? What are we doing? - I agree with you, but what are you doing? You see, the Allen analogy, joking aside, I think there you hit on the fact that life is about working for what you get, and I am right behind that.
I am right behind that.
I think that I think that's absolutely true.
So then what's dangerous.
Boiling kettle to an ant.
At the end of the day, right, you know, that's that's evil.
Isn't it? What? You know, I don't I mean since I was making out as the medieval man.
We've had an ant problem.
In the garden.
Suzanne said we've gotta get rid of these.
I said: These are a bit out of order, they are out outside.
Yes, but it's getting a lot of them and she went and put the kettle on.
I said I can't handle this.
I went in, all right? What, you didn't want to see the ants dead.
That's sweet, you know, that there.
Yeah, they might be causing a problem but I don't wanna see this, this mess.
I think when she went out, she poured the hot water on it and that ***.
I went out, had a cup of tea and thought, ******.
So I took my cup of tea out there and sat there, and then I just saw one come back from wherever he'd be.
Karl: One ant.
It looked devastated.
Because that might have been away.
As far as I was concerned he'd been out to get a leaf or whatever.
Came back.
Devastation.
And 'sit that what That, that's the thing It summed up death for me, that.
The, the ants are dead, they didn't know anything.
Suddenly, they were there, next minute lots of water.
Dead.
It's the people who are still living in life.
That are the saddest, aren't they, after death? Yeah and that summed it up.
What do you think I think the ant'd been better off being there when it happened.
How could you tell the ant was? So *** I mean they run around in circles anyway, don't they? But this was just kind of what was going on.
What did it do to slow down, when you got near the nest? Did it drop the leaf and you'd see it run the last few inches? It, it just kind of got close, a double-take almost.
Almost like it has gotten here *** and it was like "hang on a minute" this can't be it, there's no one around".
Then he walks in it, "no this is the home".
They went back, and then he just stops for a minute and that for me, that's the sort of thoughts, things that you can look at as a human.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Appreciate, and understand it.
And go like, yes, that is true, that is like life.
Instead of oh am I awake or am I asleep or what.
Well, might as well be asleep because you're doing nothing else.
Oh God.
I was at the supermarket recently.
Just walking past the condoms.
Ah, and uh, you never know when you're gonna run out of balloons.
And uh, it was weird because the condoms in the supermarket are contained in a kind of cane in a plastic cage.
So it makes it all the more embarrassing buying them.
Try to open this thing and, and this guy who works there he's always a sort of middle aged guy, and he works and he is: You have to take that to the checkin.
Sorry, you can't open that yourself.
And so I just left it there, I thought forget it.
I'm not gonna take these to the Cos if you get served by a woman, it's sort of, it's a bit embarrassing.
.
Cos that's all you are buying.
Cause she knows what you're up to.
You're gonna fill 'em up with water and throw 'em at students.
And, um, but anyway.
.
The reason I am mentioning this is cause it reminds me of the conversation we've all enjoyed in the past, Rick.
About when Karl bought for his girlfriend for Christmas, - was it a? - A two pack.
- A two pack.
- Yeah wasn't it - .
.
Of condoms.
Wasn't it buy one get one free? Yeah.
So that was a couple of years ago, Karl.
The thing was "condomgate.
" Have you *** your eyelids up since then? I just think as time goes on You don't sort of buy each other as many presents.
Oh, sorry, that was bumper year, was it? That was, that was a hell of a Oh, I remember when I used to buy this stuff like condoms.
It's gone downhill since then.
Oh no, she didn't know she was getting them.
- What I mean is this last ! Ricky: Of course she didn't.
That's what, that's what I mean, though.
It was sort of interesting too, too, when I gave 'em to her and said, "there you go, open them.
" She was not expecting that.
And as time goes on No, she was probably expectin' a piece jewelry or a holiday in Paris.
It's more difficult when you need to surprise someone isn't over time no, but no, no, no, no, but the surprise thing is always meant to be a good surprise.
Yes, but don't.
If you always get something good,.
It's like the three wise men.
What did they get the second year to the little baby Jesus? You know what I mean? Once he's had that gold It's like, oh, I, I've.
I've sold all my artwork, myself.
I've gotta get, I've gotta get him something better than that now.
It's best to give him the myrrh and Ricky: And next year, get him the gold it is like, you know, how people make a big thing out of have it away for the first time.
And they go, "oh I'm gonna hat tonight.
:".
Not the way to do anything.
You won't get anything done by planning.
That's a quote.
That's an amazing quote.
That would be up there with Newton and Churchill That: You don't get anything done by planning.
Oh, he's only gone and written down for a whole fuckin' year.
That, of course, signifies another reading of Karl's diary.
Let's make the most of it.
Let's enjoy some of the wisdom of Karl pilkington.
I also think, it's the last time ever we will make an entry in this diary because you're not gonna keep it, are you? I don't know yet.
I might just get a smaller one.
But I found that since keeping a diary, I've gone out of me way to more stuff.
Well you say that but Well, let's, let's find out.
Let's find out if that's true.
- No, I have.
- Stephen: I read a bit in the news About people being injured while trying to cut open avocados.
It's food that ain't worth injuring yourself for.
If it's a hassle to get into, well, leave it to the experts.
I have never bought one.
I've also avoided coconuts and pineapples.
The amount of hassle to get into these things outweighs the joys they give.
Karl: Yeah.
It's the same reason why I never bought a pair of Dr.
Martin boots.
"Too much hassle when it's time to take 'em off.
" Yeah, a lot of me mates used to wear 'em in the 80s.
You know, that, you can't just kick 'em off, can you? It's a big upheaval.
Karl, you can unlace them, you know.
All, yeah, I mean since found shoes with velcro, you know what I mean? Why don't you get 'em sponsored? Cause you could wear a velcro toupee.
Stephen: Cause that would be great if we could do that.
If someone could invent a I little hair piece for Karl Velcro's a little bit of Fluffy's got on the top of his head, his shiny, orange-like head.
Pop a little velcro toupee on.
I would love that.
I would to get him wearing a wig.
"Watched a program about twins this morning.
It was filmed 16 years ago.
" "They are mental.
They did everything together including the vacuum up.
" "Phone calls had to happen twice, so they could both have the same chat.
" And they said the same stuff at the same time.
Well weird.
The bloke who I watched it with I don't who that is, just some homeless guy you just invited into the flat? No, just someone I've been sort of working with.
Yes, sure, a mate of yours.
"He said he fantasized about having a way with the pair of twins.
" I don't see the point in this.
"If you're gonna have two of something.
I'd prefer to have two different women.
" "If I had two cars, I wouldn't have the same one twice.
" "Same rule with women.
" "I don't even normally like buying the same pair of trainers twice in a row.
" No, if you're gonna have something new, make it, make a change.
"It's like that fellow who was going out with a woman," and then left her and went out with her twin sister.
Not worth it.
Not worth it.
It's not worth the upheaval, is it? Cause it is exactly the same model.
"My theory about reading old news is right.
" "It's less bad when you know it's old.
" There was a story about a weatherman who was fired yesterday, "for having a nude picture of himself on the Internet.
"But that happen two days ago.
" "He's probably got another job by now.
" "So, old news isn't as shocking.
" Well, old news isn't news though is it? It's olds.
What are you doing? Just reading the olds? No, but what I, what I mean is, if someone Stick the video on of, uh last week's news, I just wanna catch up on the olds.
Yeah but, but then it's still news if you, news is something that you don't know, isn't it? - If someone tells you - But that's everything to you.
- That's information, - Karl, not news.
- Yeah.
But news is information.
No, the key, the key with news is the word "new".
- No, no, no I don't think it is.
Is it? - It is.
It's, it's just, it's just information but they tell you at ten o'clock at night.
It's like, what information's going on? Bong.
Here's some information.
Ricky: Yeah, that you didn't know before cause you couldn't have cause it only happened today.
Bong.
Yeah But never mind that.
I'll tell you in a couple of days.
It doesn't matter as long as you get the same info.
Bong.
Yeah, we can't call it news, though, cause it's misleading.
We get done.
It's called olds.
Bong! Yeah, but listen to me theory.
What I'm saying is, is that if someone in your family You know, I don't wanna bring the tone down but someone dies in your family.
Ricky: Hmm.
Now say if you're away on holiday, and they don't call you because they don't wanna ruin your holiday.
And you come home and they go, Uncle Frank's dead.
And you go, oh, when did that happen? And they go, two weeks ago.
Now because everyone else has got over it, it's not as bad for you.
Because part of bad news is the way everyone's walking around moping, going, "oh, have you heard the news? Frank's dead.
" But because everyone's got over it, time is a healer.
That's what, that's what I mean about old news.
It's better than new news.
But, you, but, but Yeah, but according to you, the only news that really matters is Stuff that affects you.
So it doesn't matter when you, uh There was an earthquake.
Yesterday.
When was it? Phew, that's all right, then.
Often the aftermath is worse than the actual event.
Two, you only care about things that actually happen to you, so The doctor goes, you got a kidney stone.
Oh, when did this happen? Uh, two weeks ago.
Oh, it's all right then.
Doesn't make sense.
No, but the world You're not, you're not upset about dead Uncle Frank Just because other people are upset.
You'd be upset personally.
Wouldn't make any difference when you, when they told you.
Yeah, but it, it is everyone else's emotions that, that make it worse, I think.
Knocking around people who are miserable.
What about warnings? What about when they do things like smog warnings or, you know, there may be a I don't like it on the news when they sort of say, "news just in.
" I think, oh, what's this? You think, oh, what's going on? But it might be useful to know it.
It might be important information.
No it just makes you panic.
What, yeah but, but sometimes knowing stuff keeps you alive.
Yeah, I, I don't know if I like it.
It's, sirens, you see, I don't like sirens, do I? I've said to you I think it's a scary noise.
But it's meant to be so you get out of the way.
No, no, it's not meant to be.
It's, it's a sign to get out of the way.
I prefer it, if it, like I've said There's a voice Hiya, could you just move out of the way for us? It can be anything as long as we, it can be a chicken noise.
But as long as you know Well, that's not gonna freak people out.
No, but it sort of make you smile.
But you, you'd go, oh, let's get out of the way.
What, you're cycling along and you hear what sounds like a giant chicken behind you.
Ricky: And you smile Cause you know that even though someone is burning to death, There's something clucking in my way.
Ricky: doo doo do do doo doo do do Stephen: Oh, that's probably a guy having a heart attack.
"Going to me mom and dad's today.
" Oh.
"Got there and mom and dad, mom made him some dinner.
" "The old woman next door," brackets, "whose mam was a witch" Just popped that in brackets.
Just popped that in brackets I think we've discusses that before, actually, the old woman whose mam was a witch.
Whose mam was a witch.
Yeah.
Oh.
"The old woman next door has been worrying," "cause she keeps seeing adverts on the telly about changing to digital TV.
" "She's saying she doesn't want wires drilled into her walls because that'll make a mess.
" "Me dad told her that it doesn't matter" "Because it probably won't happen until He didn't say that to her, though? No, he did.
They've got, you know, she's old.
It doesn't, she knows she's gonna die.
I mean it's something we all got in common.
And he's right, isn't he, why is she worrying about it? Maybe that's sorted it out, put it into perspective for her.
You will be dead when this happens.
Don't be worrying about it.
"Went to bed around midnight.
"Suzanne and I decided to sleep tops and tails cause it meant we got a bit more room.
"Me dad had cut a bit off the mattress to fit it between two cupboards.
" "It's amazing how much of a difference it makes," "just sawing off a bit of the mattress.
" "You sort of roll to the edge but the weight of the blankets keeps you in.
" This is like something from a Roald dahl book.
No, it's just, it's just, uh You know, you think, anything you can sort of trim anything.
Can't you, and it normally works? But with a mattress, I mean he only took off, I don't know what, how long that is.
But he's sawing off about that much on the mattress, and then has stapled it back together again.
Amazing.
And it just makes so much difference.
Of course it does, cause a mattress is a very carefully-designed object.
Yeah you wouldn't think so, though, would you? Well you would if you had a fucking brain in your nog.
Ricky: So we decided to sleep tops and tails.
He just gets stranger.
Stephen: So strange.
Why? He did it to make the room nicer with the, with the cupboards on either side.
So he sawed a mattress in half? Well, not in half.
Can you imagine how must hard it must be to saw a mattress in half? What did he use, what, a big electric saw? Karl: I, it must have been, yeah, cause there's a lot of Springs and stuff in there.
Stephen: Jesus.
Ricky: So what happened to the Springs? They just spring out the sides? Karl: Well some, some sort of stick out a little bit but you're not lying on top, are you? They come out the side.
So he's just got a bit of gaffer tape and a staple gun.
Unbelievable.
Man alive, it's like Does he run it as a hotel? That's unbelievable.
There are squats with better bedding arrangements.
Stephen: "The mad woman next door saw me and said, hello clive", "you live in a nursery rhyme.
" The old man down the road, the old woman next door whose mom's a witch Uncle alf who lives in a dingy.
This is like, not a real place! It's like fucking Narnia! Stephen: It's a children's TV program.
Unbelievable.
Oh, God.
Oh, just all of them there on this broken mattress trying to find the golden ticket.
Oh, oh, God! Oh, God.
So, uh, what's the big thing of this year? What's the big thing so far? You'll go, oh yeah, that was the year that Uh, I haven't really been following what's going on cause of other, other like, personal issues.
Well, yeah.
What's the big, okay.
What's the big thing? Well it's me boiler is playing up still.
Sick of it.
Stephen: Your what? Your boiler? Me boiler.
The boiler that heats the water up and stuff.
Which it doesn't.
Stephen: You know what I do in that situation? I'd instantly get a repairman out to sort it out.
Done that.
Done that twice.
It was 80 quid for him just to say, yeah, it looks like you need a new one.
Ricky: Why don't you get a new one then? Eighty quid call out.
Because then you wondered, are you meant to believe him Or is he out to sort of try and con you? Ricky: Well, he's the expert.
Yeah, but is he? Well, I don't know.
It's like you're meant to get a second opinion, aren't you like? So, that was the first time then.
So what was the second time? Who came out the second time? Same fella.
Ricky: And what did he say? Why have you called me? Stephen: Well, I thought you were gonna get a second opinion? I know, but I called the company, and they just sent him again because it Stephen: Well, call a different company.
Ricky: What was it? No, no.
What was his second opinion? Eighty quid? Stephen: I undercharged you.
It's 150.
Karl: No, because they must look in the book and sort of go, oh you know, Harry Harry went round there or whatever.
And they must think, well he went there last time.
So he knows the situation.
Stephen: Yeah.
And got the same fella again.
Ricky: Well, and got the same opinion I assume.
Same.
Same answer, yeah.
So, so what's his advice? Um, he just said you know, there are people out there who will touch it If you pay the right money.
Well, okay, so you're gonna get an expert in who does this thing sorted out, so.
Well, no.
I, I called up me dad.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
He always knows someone who can sort, sort stuff out.
And he said, uh Oh, one of your cousins is a, is a boiler man.
And uh, yeah.
They're coming around.
But I've never met him.
And it turns out that, that person Cause like the whole family, you know, I'm not into sort of keeping in touch with people.
Sure.
Haven't spoke to me brother for like, I don't know, 12 years.
And sister about So the idea of this cousin who have, I, I mean He might as well not have said he's my cousin cause I'm not gonna know him anyway.
I mean that last fella Harry, might as well have been related.
So they're gonna turn up.
And now it turns out that because I haven't seen the rest of the family, they're gonna like use this is as a reunion.
Stephen: Oh, what so they're all gonna come around whilst They're all coming around.
Whilst he fixes the boiler? Yeah.
And I hate it.
I hate family things anyway.
Ricky: So they're gonna come around and just look at you? Well, yeah, apart from the one who's fixing it.
He'll be fixing it, and the others will just be sat around sort of going, "so, how have you been?" It's like, well, where do you start? I haven't seen I mean seriously, I mean they are strangers.
When they buzz, I could be letting anyone in.
When they buzz the door.
And so you're going to entertain them all in your flat? Well I said to me dad that I might just say that I've got to go to a meeting, let them in, and then shoot off.
And all it's going to do is dig up problems isn't it? If me cousin was Einstein very nice.
Ricky: Yeah.
But at the end of the day If your cousin was Einstein, then you really are an underachiever.
No, but you know what? If he was, I'd know about it.
I don't reckon you would know about it.
I reckon we would.
Don't think your family would be impressed with Einstein.
Stephen: They would've stayed in touch wouldn't they? Ricky: He was always the weird one with the scruffy hair and his tongue out.
Stephen: Yeah.
I remember our early ambition was to actually be educational As well as hopefully entertaining, and I feel Perhaps at times, we've perhaps slightly shortchanged, listeners in terms of what they're learning.
Well, they're not learning anything because also, um Even as, you know, compared to Karl, we are educated.
But we're guessing a lot of the stuff.
And he flummoxes us you know, sometimes.
Yeah.
I mean, it was fun trying to be pompous and professorial enough just to Just to fight Karl's ignorance.
I think we've learned more new words from Karl than we've learned anything else.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's been a lot of made-up words perhaps more than ever before.
Mmm.
And also some of the most abstract conversations I think we've ever had.
I mean, Karl, as he gets older, becomes more and more arrogant and confident.
Yeah.
He said a new one to me the other day.
Um, there was a problem downloading, and, uh, he said, um They've added to the fuckerage.
Which is good.
Yeah.
No, I reckon the stuff we know is enough now.
And all we tend to do is find problems.
Mmm.
All the mysteries still in the world, the mind-body problem.
What a prick.
What a prick.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How to save the world.
Yeah, but we're not are we? We know it's dying.
We don't know how to fix it.
Not yet we don't.
Turn your lights off.
Ricky: But then we didn't You turn yours off.
Getting sick of it.
Leaflets through the door all the time.
"Turn your heating off.
" "Turn the lights off.
" Living like a mole.
I love his little internal dialogues out loud.
They're fantastic, the little discussions he has with himself.
Oh, I can't wait till he's old.
That's going to be amazing us three.
When we're about 75.
And he's fucking moaning Oh, we're gonna be in a little home together.
It's just Fucking hell.
Oh, Karl.
Do you remember when you were 73? No, do I fuck? Stephen: Tell us the tic tac anecdote again.
Ricky: Oh, what a fucking useless bunch of cunts.