The Righteous Gemstones (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

The Righteous Gemstones

1 - - I baptize you in Jesus's name.
I baptize you in the name of I baptize you in the name of Jesus Christ.
Welcome, friend.
I baptize you in the name of Jesus Christ.
- God bless.
God bless.
- I baptize you In Jesus's name.
See? There you go.
Everybody in your line keeps getting water up their nose.
You're dipping them back too far.
How about you do it your way, and I'll do it mine? How about you do it right? How about that, huh? - Okay.
- Watch this.
Get over here.
I baptize you in the name of Jesus Christ.
Smooth movements.
Do you get that? - You see how that works? Yeah.
- Oh, really? - "Smooth movements"? - Nobody's coughing.
No water's coming out of nobody's nose.
Did you just splash me? - No.
I don't know who splash - You splashing me? - I don't know who splashed you.
- Do it again - See what I do.
- It wasn't Y'all stop that.
Stop that guffing and keep these lines moving.
Tell him.
He's the one splashing people.
I'm not splashing nobody.
Long Wei, we got a bogey over here.
Please tell him no photographs during the ceremony.
I'll leave right now - if they're not gonna follow orders.
- You can take my picture.
What the hell was that? I think somebody turned on the waves.
Damn it.
Tell them to turn it off.
Long Wei! How do you say "Shut it down"? Guan.
- Wan! - Wan! - Wan! - Wan! - Oh, jeez.
- Wan! - Wan! - Wan! No! Here they come.
Thank you, young lady.
Ni hao, Daddy.
That means "hello" in Chinese.
I studied so much even though I wasn't allowed to go with y'all.
That's wonderful, baby doll.
Welcome back.
How was China? Hell of a long ride.
5,000 people baptized.
Sounds like a success to me.
How was China for you boys? I wouldn't know, 'cause I was stuck here, being a secretary.
Oh, here we go.
I'm a Gemstone, too, Jesse.
I wanna do things too.
Why does Daddy always overlook me, huh? Come on; don't get your panties in a bunch, sis.
Flying around on private planes, being leaders That's men's business.
I could do it.
I'm more of a man than Kelvin is.
Well, I ain't gonna argue with you there.
Don't turn this around on me.
I got to go to China.
She didn't.
I'm definitely more of a man than her.
- Kelvin, eat my ass.
- Yeah, right.
That'd be incest, and that is disgusting.
Welcome home, Dr.
My great apostle returns.
- How did it go, baby? - How you think it went? Daddy put me in charge, and I Ace of Based that mission straight to the Lord.
I knew you would.
My king.
- Welcome home, friend.
- Oh! Keefe, you scared the bullcrud out of me.
I'm sorry, man.
I'd like to keep your ballcrud in you.
Yeah, no.
I know.
How was the Land of the Rising Sun? Well, Land of the Rising Sun is Japan.
That would've been awesome.
We were in China, and it sucked big-time.
Jesse was just, like, riding me the whole time, fully up my butt.
- Like, telling me what to do.
- Oh.
Not letting me do me.
- 'Cause when I do me - Yeah.
- Good things happen.
- Yeah.
I've got great methods.
I know.
Your methods rule.
I appreciate that.
Pound that out, my man.
Give me compliments.
- Keefe, that's what's up.
- Yeah.
So what's good, man? No issues here.
I slept in your room one night but then felt odd, so I slept the rest of the time here on the couch with no top sheet.
Hey, man, you do not need to feel odd sleeping in my bed.
I told you you could.
You're doing me a favor.
I was aware I had your permission.
I don't know.
The energy in there is just unsettling.
It's lonely.
But, uh, the maids changed the bedding anyways.
And I put all your mail over there on the kitchen counter.
There's a lot of it.
Good looking out, Keefe.
- Hey.
- Home-run friendship.
I'm just very appreciative.
I know not everybody wanted me here.
No, okay? That is bullarkey, my friend.
Your past as a Satan worshipper was washed away when you accepted Jesus Christ, Our Savior, into your life.
Everyone knows that.
You are a success story to this family.
- Nice.
- Gosh darn right, it's nice.
I'm gonna head back to my place.
I'm pretty bushed.
Gonna go soak in the tub.
What? No, man.
Come on.
Let's stay up late, play some video games, smash some Pixy Stix.
That sounds good.
But I really need a soak.
I haven't been to my place in a while, and I like to turn it up real hot.
- Right on.
That's what's up.
- Okay.
All right, well, it's been a while.
- All right.
- Bro, hug it out.
There we go.
So happy you're home.
All right.
All right.
Night night.
Night night also to you.
Night night.
Excuse me? Kissing me in my bed.
- I'm tucking you in.
- You woke me up.
Don't use bad words.
I got friends that are homosexuals.
- I bet you do.
- Keep being fresh.
See if some of your stuff don't go on time-out.
- I don't care.
- Oh, you will care, buddy, when you can't use any of your devices.
Starting tomorrow, you're doubling up on Bible studies.
- I don't even believe in God.
- Yeah, you do.
Well, when I turn 18, I'ma move to LA, and I'm never gonna talk to any of you ever again.
Just like Gideon.
Don't you ever say his name in my house again.
Don't act surprised.
You know the rules.
That's not how I wanted to spend my first moments home from the mission.
It really wasn't.
Thank you, Krista.
Could've used you on this mission, my love.
What time does she get here? All of Pontius's devices are on time-out.
I'm talking Xboxes, tablets, iPhones, the everything.
He ain't gonna be playing with nothing.
For how long? I don't know.
A week? Two weeks? Three weeks? I support you.
I just don't understand why he behaves the way he does with me.
I'm nothing but nice to him.
I been trying all this time.
to shut up.
Running his damn mouth.
- I totally understand.
- Mm-hmm.
It's hard.
I know.
But you know - he just misses you know who.
- Eh.
Yeah, I bet he does.
Well, guess what? That ain't my problem.
- That's on him.
- I hear you.
- He's just feeling big feelings.
- It's okay.
If he doesn't get his behavior right, we're gonna send him to a damn camp.
I'll send him to South America.
You fuckin' watch.
Oh! I think I'm in love.
- Oh! - Ooh.
- Oh! - It's a treat.
Oh, dear God.
Ooh! Lord.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, there we go, huh? Oh, thank you.
Oh, shit.
You okay, baby? Yeah.
I'm okay.
Very good.
Oh, God.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Son of a bitch! Baby? Baby.
Baby Jesus loves us.
Where are you going? Uh, I realized that I forgot something at church.
I'ma run back real quick.
I'll be right back, all right? - Okay.
- I'm good.
You're good.
Love you.
Love you too.
I know I shouldn't feel self-conscious about my nose, but I am.
I just wanna look as handsome as I can for our special day.
Live up to the Gemstone standards.
We don't have standards.
I mean, we do.
We have a lot of 'em.
And they're real high.
But you were fine already.
Oh, God.
Somebody's coming.
Should I hide? I know your daddy's rules about cohabitation before marriage.
I'm hiding.
You can come out.
It's just Jesse.
Where's he going? Hopefully off a fucking cliff with his whole family in the car.
Yeah, I hope he dies too, baby.
- BJ! - What? I was just going along with what you said.
No, I can say it.
You can't say it.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God, I'm so stupid.
What the fuck is this? Hey, Mr.
Party Boy.
I don't know what kind of game you fellas are playing, but I don't like it.
Oh, we're not playing a game, Mr.
Party Boy.
Stop calling me "party boy.
" I'm not a party boy.
Well, from the looks of that video, you are the king of party boys.
You and your friends, a few prostitutas.
I am sure the congregation, the media, your family would love to see you enjoying yourself.
Who are you? I'm the devil, son.
You think messing with a man of the Lord is easy pickings? You don't think I'll fight back? One million dollars.
Sunday, 10:00 p.
Here! Or the video gets leaked.
You're making a big mistake, pal.
I refuse to be blackmailed! Well, you kinda are.
I mean, that's pretty much exactly what this is, party boy.
Fuck! Together, Eli and Aimee-Leigh built a Christian empire including their flagship campus, Gemstone Salvation Center, covering over Brother pastors? How many do you pack in here on Sundays? Honestly, I can't even count.
I mean, I can, but you get it.
Ah, brother pastors soon-to-be neighbors in Locust Grove, thanks for paying us a visit.
Nice to meet you, Reverend.
John Wesley Seasons.
Thank you for taking the time for seeing a few Podunk preachers like us.
Oh, come on, big flock, little flock, we all work for the same boss.
And we all punch the same clock.
- Every day.
- Amen.
Daddy, uh, I'm sorry.
Uh, just before we get too deep into this conversation I didn't know if If you needed both of us.
What? I just have a lot of important issues to take care of for the Lord today.
And I didn't know if maybe I could get to doing that now and maybe you two guys just take this meeting with the Podunk ministers.
Jesse, these men traveled here to visit us.
We're gonna give them the face time they deserve.
Brother pastors, we all have churches in Locust Grove.
I lead a congregation of 1,800.
Gabe here has got 1,000 at New Pentecost.
Stephen from Highway Assemblies is holding strong at 1,200, and Jeremiah's working hard.
His new ministry's up to 700 in just two years.
Good for you, Brother Jeremiah.
We're small-town, humble folks, so that operation you're building there That prayer center We're concerned that it'd be a disruption.
"Disruption"? Well, to be honest with you, we're scared you're gonna run us out of our own hometown.
I see.
And I understand where you're coming from.
I'm a small-town boy myself.
Don't let the big-city clothes fool you.
See, brothers? I told you he'd understand.
Oh, and, uh, you know, Sheffield's only about an hour away.
Maybe that's a good alternative? It's only got one church.
One church Seems like a town filled with nonbelievers.
But Locust Grove has four churches your churches.
And you're right.
They are modest-sized ministries.
If we were to come in, scoop up one of your churches, maybe that ain't worth our time.
But if we were to scoop up all four churches, now you're talking.
Between the four of you, you got decent numbers.
I don't follow.
Are you saying you're intentionally coming for our flock? Did we have anything else to discuss today, brother pastors? So we're good? - Ah.
- Great.
I gotta boogie.
Thanks for coming out.
- Wonderful to meet you.
- Okay.
Follow me.
I'll show you the way out.
Martin! Hey, can I have a word with you for a moment? I'm busy now.
Can we talk later? Oh, come on.
You ain't unloading ice cream.
This is gift shop merch.
This shit ain't gonna melt.
Come on.
Give me a moment.
Pause the work.
Go on.
Okay? I love y'all, but just disperse.
Come on, guys.
Hustle it.
There you go.
God bless.
God bless.
Go on.
Get the fuck outta here.
Martin, a, uh, wonderful opportunity has arisen, uh, that I think could be highly beneficial for the church Something I'd like to spearhead.
Mission work? Yeah, yeah.
Kind of.
Yeah, pretty much so.
Uh, I'd really like a chance to get the ball rolling, like, ASAP, so I was hoping to get some, uh, funds transferred to me.
- J just go and get them op - How much do you require? Look at you.
I know what you're thinking.
No, it ain't for gamblin'.
No, it's actually for a pretty good deal.
But I wanna keep it a surprise, so don't tell Daddy, don't tell nobody How much, Jesse? Not a lot.
Like, a million bucks.
Uh, if I could get it now, or at the latest, on Sunday Then we could really maximize - the opportunities that the - You are a very silly man, Jesse.
I can't give you a million dollars without your daddy knowing.
- Course you can.
- Mm.
Daddy trusts you and your judgments.
I can't do it, Jesse.
- Yeah, you can.
- Jesse.
Martin, please.
Listen to what God wants.
Are you listening? I listen to your daddy.
Damn it all to hell, Martin.
Please, no cursing.
Martin, that is not what the Lord told me.
- A million dollars.
- Yeah, the Lord said, "Go to Martin and get a million dollars.
Hi, Mommy.
Meow, Mommy.
- All right.
- Meow, meow, Mommy.
Oh, no.
Get Lucien or one of the others to fetch that out of there.
I come here every day.
I can feel your mama's presence here.
It puts me at ease.
And I've been thinking about this China trip.
Jesse? You had the reins on this one.
Thoughts? Uh, I thought that, uh, Mother's dream was finally realized.
Her vision to minister to the people of the Far East, uh, you know, accomplished.
5,000 people baptized in a In a beautiful ceremony.
It was a shitshow.
Now, I'm not gonna say that in front of the church, but it That was an embarrassment.
Don't laugh, Judy.
I I wasn't laughing at that, Daddy.
I was just I was recalling some funny vids I just saw of animals acting like fools.
That's why I was laughing.
So I've heard you've had some company at your home.
Who? Your little boyfriend and you have been shacking up.
Daddy, he's my fiancé, all right? He's not just my boyfriend.
And BJ will be a Gemstone soon enough.
He ain't even a believer.
- Wha yes, he is, Jesse.
- No, he's not.
Amber showed me some posts he made on Facebook.
Guess what, Daddy? They're proabortion.
So there's that.
- No, Daddy, they weren't.
- Yeah, they were.
BJ does not like killing babies.
He likes little babies.
No, I saw those posts, too, Daddy.
- No, you didn't, Kelvin.
- Yeah, I did.
- Very proabortion.
- No, it was not, Daddy.
And you know what? They won't give him a chance.
- That's what's happening.
- Why would we? He's a dud.
He's a snooze.
Yeah, you bring home a boring-ass white boy to the family.
- Good job.
- No, no.
He's a interesting-ass white boy.
This family is lost.
Your mama kept everybody getting along Kept everybody on track.
She was the magic.
And now she's gone.
And the magic is gone too.
It's gonna be okay, Daddy.
Yeah, Daddy, we we still got lots of magic.
Plenty of magic, Daddy.
I gotta tell y'all something, Daddy.
There's a video With with some stuff on it.
- Uh - What stuff on a video? It it's just, like, a it's it's a There's a video.
Like what? Like a YouTubes? No, Kelvin, not like a YouTubes, you dummy.
Golly, Jesse.
What's it, a motion picture? No, not a motion picture! It's like It's just, like, a It's whatever.
Just forget it, all right? Go on, boy.
What's got you upset? Nah, it's it's just a video I saw of Mama just doing some nice stuff for us, being cool.
I just miss Mom.
That's all, Daddy.
I miss Mama.
I miss your mama too.
What was she doing in the video? Shut up.
You were not crying about Mama.
- Mm-mm.
- I know your sad cries.
It has way more moaning.
That was a fearful cry.
Kelvin, I know you see me as the firstborn, strongest in the family, but the truth is, I got emotions too.
I don't look at you that way.
- Yeah, you do.
- I don't.
No, of course you do.
I do not.
Look, the stuff that Dad said back there really affected me, you know? Gemstones need to stick together, man.
And lately, you and I, well, we've been bickering a lot.
- We can do better.
- Yeah, well, I will admit that you have been prancin' upon my nerves a lot lately.
- Prancin' upon your nerves? - Yeah.
What the hell does that even mean? You're doing the moonwalk on my nerves, man.
- Oh, give me a break.
- You're dancing upon 'em.
Give me a break.
I don't know how I'm doing that when you're the one getting on my damn nerves.
- Oh, I'm getting on your nerves? - Yeah, all the damn time.
You're the one that's always constantly in my business, telling me what I should and should not do.
I'm trying to guide you, son.
You know what? Fine.
I agree.
We should all make more of an effort, not just me.
All of us.
For Mama.
You know, I hate to cash in on this so quickly, but dark forces are at work, Kelvin.
Evil forces that wish to destroy our family.
Evil forces? I have so much fun doing things for others.
- You do.
- Yeah, of course I do.
And I enjoy it because I don't expect to get nothing in return.
Mm, well You get stuff in return.
No, Victoria.
That's not true.
Well, you have a pretty nice house.
What? This old thing? You fly on private jets.
Well, the jets belong to the church, not us.
But I see you.
The devil just jumped right in you there for a second, didn't he? Made you challenge me.
Hold on.
It's okay.
He's gone now.
I can tell you're back to normal.
Just don't let that happen again.
- Ding-dong.
- Oh! There's my man.
And he brought his brother with them big, black boots on.
Take them boots off, Kelvin.
Everyone else has their shoes on.
I'm not having a tile floor with big, black skid marks.
Get 'em off.
Just do it.
Take 'em off.
We're gonna work on the, uh, China outreach presentation for Sunday.
- Those other fellas show up? - Yes.
I told them to wait for you in the theater room.
You're my number one.
I know I am, baby.
God, I have hitched my wagon to a Force for good.
Ain't I lucky, ladies? - Yes.
- Lucky.
Just none of y'all come down to the theater room, all right? - Secrets? - No.
No secrets.
Don't come downstairs.
Looks like your boots will scuff too.
You know Chad, Gregory, Levi, Matthew.
Hey, guys.
'Sup, Levi? Nobody's really interested in a saying a "'sup.
" Why don't you go on and take a seat on the couch there, Kelvin.
Why's everyone wearing their shoes? She didn't make you take your shoes off? Stop talking about the shoes.
The shoes don't matter.
I brought you here because I'm gonna share something with you that's highly personal.
You can't tell nobody about this, okay? I understand you.
It just does this on its own.
Oh! Oh.
Oh! - Oh! - Oh, dear God.
Let me help.
What is this? Sh shut up, Kelvin.
It's what I'm showing you.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord.
Oh! Whose is that? - Mine.
- Oh, there we go, huh? Chad's.
What what are you guys even doing? What's it look like we're doing, Kelvin? We're fucking partying.
The Prayer Power Convention.
Oh, Jesse, what in God's name? I know, Kelvin! Don't be pompous about it, all right? Don't take glee in it.
I'm being blackmailed.
Somebody sent me this video.
They said they're gonna leak the whole damn thing unless I pay them a million dollars by Sunday.
A million bucks.
My wife is gonna leave me.
I won't be allowed to adopt.
Yeah, we're all gonna be screwed, okay? That's why this tape ain't gonna come out.
Gregory, look at me.
We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna get through this, okay? We're gonna have to pay these fellas.
Okay, well, good luck getting a million bucks without Daddy finding out.
Well, that's what you're here for.
You gonna take out 500K.
I'm gonna take out the other 500K.
That way, it'll be easier for us to hide.
- Hide? - Yeah.
You're the baby of the family.
Dad don't care if you spend money.
Yes, he does.
Remember when I tried to get that Fiat just 'cause I wanted something small to toot around in, get groceries, and what have you? He said, "Absolutely not.
" Kelvin, I am being blackmailed.
This is a very serious situation, all right? I mean, lives are at stake here Personal reputations.
Well, maybe you all should've thought about that before you were hanging out with your dongs out and doing cocaine.
You are such a puss.
- I'm not a puss.
- Yeah, you are.
If anything, I'm the opposite of that.
- No.
- Bigger than Chad's.
Everybody in this family might play patty-cake with you, buddy, but I ain't going to.
You're a shitty minister, and you're an even shittier brother.
You take that back.
No, I will not.
You really think I'm a shitty minister? I think you're the fucking worst.
Well, good luck when Daddy finds out.
- You ain't gonna help? - Nope.
All right, well, if you ain't gonna help, that's on you.
But you better not tell.
Don't tell, motherfucker! Please stop crying, Chad.
It's making me feel odd in here.
I'm Jesse Gemstone.
I'm Kelvin Gemstone.
And I'm Eli Gemstone.
Stop the hate, and celebrate what the Lord has given us.
Come worship with my family and celebrate our Lord.
You gonna answer that or just let it piss me off? Excuse me.
Hey, Leon, could we slow the teleprompter down? one last chance to give this up.
Do you hear me? Do you know how this works, man? You must be confused.
I hope you have our million all bundled and ready to go.
I'm already putting shit on layaway.
10:00 p.
Why are you doing this? Why, damn it? Maybe you deserve it.
Shit! Shit! Fuck! God damn it! God! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Hi.
I'm Jesse Gemstone.
I'm Kelvin Gemstone.
And I'm Eli Gemstone.
How many of you in here have ever been to China? Raise your hands.
Not many.
I understand.
Their world is very different The food, the clothes they like, the smells they have.
I didn't care for it much, myself.
But it was a dream of my wife to witness to the people of China because she knew - that, despite our many differences - Get out of here.
The one thing that is not different - is their love for Jesus.
- Amen.
It's the same love we have.
Boys, come on out here and let's share with our friends, here, our Chinese Oriental experience - I don't care.
- we share China! The land of discovery.
I can't think of the last time I had as much fun as I did spreading the gospel with my daddy and dear brother in Chengdu.
What a hoot.
Or, as they say in Mandarin Now it is our honor to share that experience with you through the power of a 4K photo montage.
And we put music to it.
Roll it! - Look at them.
- Wow.
Look at them.
Bless their heart.
Oh, your mama would've loved that.
Jesse, would you like to tell our friends in here the experience you had? Uh, yes, Daddy.
Uh, the most amazing experience was just looking into the eyes of those people.
The Chinese folks? Yes, Kelvin, of course the Chinese folks.
Who else would I be talking about? How many Chinese souls did we save? Five, Daddy.
5,000, Daddy.
- 5,000 souls.
- 5,000.
If you've ever wondered why tithing is important, right there up on that screen is why.
And we're walking together Feel the glory of Feel the glory of the Lord Singing songs of salvation It's the story of It's the story of our Lord From the desert to the mountains Feel His light shine on you When we all come together That's the glory of That's the glory of His love Oh, oh, oh Eli.
I heard you come here every Sunday after church.
For years.
What do you need from me today, brother pastor? You closed on that property in Locust Grove.
I'm surprised we couldn't have, uh, worked something out.
Look, if you wanna speak with the Gemstones, you need to, uh, schedule an appointment through my sister.
Or on our website.
I'm talking to your daddy, boys.
Johnny Seasons thinks he's a big shot.
Look at him.
Well, go on, big shot.
You got everybody's attention.
What do you got to say to me? Make it good.
I got church lunch waiting.
You got no business in Locust Grove.
No reason.
No reason but greed.
People there are served.
It ain't right, and you ain't building that temple for the Lord.
You're building it for yourselves.
You're afraid we're gonna come to town and take your congregation.
Did you ever think, if your followers come with us, maybe they weren't your followers to begin with? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Well I ain't.
Praise be to He.
Good day, brother pastor.
The Gemstones are a disgrace, an absolute disgrace to all ministries.
Con men.
It wouldn't be Sunday if I didn't have a belly full of meat and rolls.
- Ain't that right, Eli? - That's right, Brother Martin.
I can put down some meat and rolls, you've seen me.
Oh, yeah.
We both can.
I never eat meat anymore.
Why you look different? What? Excuse me? Your face.
Why does it look different? - It does.
- No.
Yeah, like your nose is, like, shiny or something.
Jesse, don't make him feel self-conscious about his face, okay? I think I know what's going on.
I think you got yourself a nose job.
Did you get some plastic surgery, buddy? I exfoliated last night, so it's probably still - open pores.
- That's not exfoliation.
- No.
- He exfoliated.
- I watched him do it.
- Did you get a face-lift? Okay.
Yeah, real funny.
How about I make some jokes about Amber? Try it.
Go for it.
She's a smoke show.
Nothing to make fun of.
She could make fun of your kids.
Y'all ain't bulletproof.
- Make fun of our kids? - Yep.
- You mean your nephews? - Yep.
Behind your backs and also in front of you right now.
At least we have kids.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
Not as many as you used to have.
Gideon ran away.
You gonna rot in hell for making light of that.
- No, I won't.
- Kelvin, apologize right now.
- That's not nice.
- You're right.
Sorry, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Daddy, what about what they were saying about BJ's face? They need to be sorry for that.
Oh, I love how you've gotta fight your boyfriend's battles for him.
You know what? I know I'm new here, but I'm just gonna say it.
Y'all treat Judy like a child.
That's why Judy and I are moving off the compound.
Oh, okay.
I don't know if we need to Judy.
What's he talking about? We just want to do what's right for our family.
For our future.
We've been looking at a penthouse in the city.
A penthouse in the city? I don't sound like that.
BJ, buddy, you better learn your place.
News flash: this family is so regressive.
Always keeping women in the shadows, not contributing or being a part of anything.
You know what I think, BJ sorry, baby, can I talk? Go on, baby.
I think you better mind your manners at church lunch.
Everyone here is trying to have a good time, and you are stepping way out of line.
Sorry I spoke.
- Should be.
- No.
Do not be sorry.
I'm not then I'm not sorry.
- Yeah.
- You gonna let this wisp of a man talk you into betraying your family? - Wisp? - Jesse, sitting over there talking about "betraying families," that's hilarious.
All right, Kelvin, I've had about enough, all right? Say one more effing word, I swear to God, say one more thing.
- Sit down, the both of you.
- No, how about, you stand here and tell your family what kind of man you really are.
- Huh, Jesse? - How about you just go on and suck your Satanic boyfriend Keefe off.
- How about that? - Piece of shit! God! Baby, no My nose! - My nose! - Jesse, you asshole! - I did not mean to do that.
- My nose! - Enough.
- Jesse! Enough! Hey! It's assault, Daddy! Someone should press a charge! I hope the devil fucks you dry! - Get over here.
- Why why come? Don't ask why come, just get over here right now, Kelvin Gemstone.
Now go sit down, the both of you.
You all ought to be glad your mama still ain't around.
The way you treat each other would break her heart.
Maybe Johnny Seasons was right.
Maybe this family has become an abomination.
Daddy, slap me too.
I'm a Gemstone too so slap my face.
Daddy's good and pissed off now so way to escalate the conflict.
Well, don't start shit next time.
With everything I got going on, you can't be the bigger man? Looks like I am the bigger man.
You wish.
Don't wish.
I know.
I just saw.
Not that you care, but I finally figured out who the blackmailer is.
Seems pretty obvious.
Not really sure how I missed it.
Who? Johnny Seasons.
Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding.
Makes perfect sense.
We're trying to move in on his territory so he's trying to take us out.
Well, why would he ask for money? Why wouldn't he just blackmail you to not open up the church? Hm? Well, I don't know, maybe 'cause that's too obvious.
You didn't even think of that.
That's not what he's doing.
It's him, all right? I know it is.
If he thinks he can fuck with me, fucking talk to daddy the way that he did, then he's got another thing coming.
You are legit crazy.
You are losing your mah-rbles.
Maybe I'm crazy for defending my damn family.
You know if this tape comes out, you know what's gonna happen? - Amber's gonna leave me.
- Rightfully so.
I can guarantee you that Daddy's gonna boot me out of this church.
I'm gonna lose everything, Kelvin.
That ain't happening.
Check this out.
What is that? It's a Kubotan.
Self-defense keychain stick.
Use this to overpower a human being.
Jam it in at pressure point, pop and lock, break a finger.
Where'd you get that? At a truck stop.
Are you gonna use that on him? Probably.
I'm just spitballin' right now.
Don't box me in.
I got you one too.
- I don't want one.
- Yeah, well I got you one.
Oh, why'd you give me the pink one? For no particular reason.
He don't know we know.
That gives us a slight advantage, okay? The drop off is tonight at 10:00 p.
He ain't expecting to see me till then.
We're gonna ambush him at his house.
Get him while his guard is down, overpower him, and get him to give us that damn tape.
Jesse, you're talking about breaking the law.
And with a weapon? That's like a higher charge.
I don't want it.
Not with these, they're not a higher charge.
I mean, if it's a gun, yeah.
You bring a gun, you're going down.
Kubotans? Kubotans are legal.
This is assault we're talking about, and assault is illegal.
Come on, man.
Remember when we were kids and we wanted to be Double Dragons? Yeah.
We got our black belts together.
Used to wear the same kind of clothes, cut our hair the same way.
We said we were gonna grow up and fight crime.
We used to have each other's back.
We were friends.
What happened to us? I guess we grew up and realized being karate brothers from a video game is a childish dream to have.
Kelvin? You really don't care if this cocaine sex party tape destroys the Gemstones once and for all? Maybe it's time for the Gemstones to be done.
The thing with this game? Early versions included a boss bad guy known as Dark Diablo, a classic devil king sort of villain.
When Dark Diablo would enter the level, he would make a series of roars.
To most, it sounded like garbled noise sounds, but to the keen ear, he was clearly saying, "I'm the Devil.
You're mine.
Be a part of my kingdom.
" Yeah, it's messed up.
Tons of kids were exposed to that game.
Parents' groups and churches were, like, furious.
So they took Dark Diablo out.
Now it's just like a shark bad guy, with like a shark top and muscle man bottom.
He's got, like, muscly, regular legs, you know, not shark fins.
And he doesn't say anything Satanic.
He just tries to bite you.
It's a much better version.
Sounds better.
I gotta get it reset now.
Yeah, you probably should.
It looks gross.
I'm sorry, baby.
You should make Jesse pay for that.
Yeah, I'd love to.
How? You know what, there's no way that he would ever do that.
So you should just use your own money.
Who the fuck is that? What? That's the doorbell.
- Baby, that's the doorbell.
- What are you doing? Hide.
Yeah okay.
Where should I hide? Oh, God-hide, BJ! - Okay, fine.
- Shh! Judy! - Judy! - Kelvin! What the living fuck, man? You can't just roll up in my foyer.
I can and I just did.
We need to talk.
I don't have time right now.
I'm busy putting on creams.
Is anybody here? No.
Nobody's here.
Oh, really? 'Cause there's BJ right there.
That's not BJ.
That's my artworks.
Oh, you got a sculpture of BJ on all fours, looking scared? Yeah, I bought that.
It's a sculpture.
And I got a good price on it 'cause the dick is weird.
- Huh.
- Why you being so damn nosy? It's about Jesse.
I think he's about to do something very stupid.
Oh, well, duh.
One plus one is two.
No, this is stupider than normal, though.
Big time stupid.
Okay, what? - Thank you.
- You're welcome, sweetie.
"Behold, I have given you authority "to tread on serpents and scorpions "and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you.
" Luke 10:19.
Let's go.
Oh, shit.
Fucking get over here.
He's in there.
Let's knock this guy's ass out.
Hello? Who's there? Okay.
You're gonna do it.
Fucking go, Chad.
Get the fuck in there.
Go! Get in the car! Go! Go, go, go! You wanna mess with me? Don't leave me! You wanna see what I'm packing? He's a fucking idiot.
Of course it's not Johnny Seasons.
Yeah, well, if it ain't him, Jesse still has to pay up.
- Shit, it's Jesse.
- Answer it.
I know.
- Hey, Jesse.
- Oh, fuck, man.
Fuck! - Johnny Seasons shot Chad.
- What? - Is Chad dead? - Who's Chad? Chad, you still with us, buddy? Oh, God! He says he's fine.
He's obviously not fine, Matthew.
- Did he kill somebody? - Shh no.
Whose voice is that? Is that Judy? - No, it's not Judy.
- I need to talk to him.
- No, stop - C'mon! Stop! Who the fuck did you tell? Did you tell Judy? Did you tell Judy? You son of a bitch! Hi.
You have really fucked yourself this time, haven't you? - What he tell you? - Oh, he told me a lot.
Look at you, Mr.
Oh, thought you'd be king.
Oh, brother, it is almost so sad.
I think we need to get him to the hospital, Jesse! Then fucking go, dude! What the hell is everyone looking at me like I gotta do everything? Get the fuck out of here! Shit, Judy! Shit! I'm supposed to make the drop at 10:00.
This is the downfall of the Gemstones.
Everything that Mama and Daddy built is done.
Then pay 'em Jesse.
I don't have the money, Judy.
Daddy limits my spending! I may have some.
Have some what? Okay, line it up.
Okay, good.
Heads up.
It's a lot, dude.
Holy shit.
What the fuck? You know how Mama used to say to me, "Judy, you're worth it.
You're special, Judy.
"You know stuff.
You know how to figure things out.
" Well, I fucking do.
I guess Mama was great at giving good advice.
God damn it.
Son of a God bless you, air vent.
Get in.
I love you guys.
All right.
Y'all stay in the car.
Don't you think we should come with you? Shh.
I'll handle them alone.
Stay here.
Good luck.
Who's in the car? Nobodies.
My brother and sister.
Tell them to get the fuck out.
God damn it.
He's he's actually saying he wants you guys to come out.
I told you.
Walk slowly to the rear of the van, and place the bags on the ground.
I don't really feel comfortable doing that.
I don't know who y'all got back there so I'm just gonna put the bags right down here.
No, bring them to where I told you.
Why is he dressed as the devil? - Kelvin, shut up.
- Shut up, Kelvin.
What is this? - Thumb drive.
- Thumb drive? The video is kept on that.
Oh, the video's on here? I was imagining we were gonna get like a VHS or a cassette tape or something.
How do we know there isn't another copy? Well, you don't.
Maybe we just bleed the Gemstones dry.
And use you like our own goddamn ATM machine, huh? Jesse.
Go, get in the car! Who do you work for? Who do you serve? Shit, shit, shit, shit.
God damn! Fuck! Ah! Shit! Ah! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go! Oh, my God! - Holy shit! - Oh, my God! - Oh, fuck! - Oh, shit! - I hit him, I hit him.
- Oh, fuck.
I think I hit him.
Over under now.
Over under.
- Oh.
- God damn it.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you going back to help him? No.
Oh! Oh! Praise the Lord His righteousness at hand Lord, Lord, Lord Take us to that promised land Holy war The battle has begun So praise the Lord His righteous love has come Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present Eli and Aimee-Leigh Gemstone.
I love you.
- Oh, I love you.
Hallelujah! Eli.
- I feel the love in this room.
Oh, take a look at this crowd, Eli.
I do believe it is the best-looking bunch of friends we've spent time with yet! Yes! Mm, I don't want to offend anybody, but she married me so you know her taste is in question.
- Oh, stop it right now.
- Ow! - - Stop it right now.
Now, friends, who here is ready to make real change in their lives today? Amen! Who's ready to surf that God-given feeling? Praise His name.
- Praise His name.
- Hallelujah! Raise your hands for the Lord.
Yes! Yes! Who is ready to make change, receive the Holy Spirit, and change their lives in such a way they will lead it for the Lord forever? We have a winner.
Okay, Eli? Let's get started.

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