The Righteous Gemstones (2019) s03e04 Episode Script

I Have Not Come to Bring Peace, But a Sword

I don't know how Brother Kelvin does it.
My nerves are in knots right now.
I can handle it if you want me to.
He gave the responsibility to me.
It's my duty to achieve.
I'll be today's leader for
this ice cream and wiener party.
Also and this is also Taryn,
- if you need anything.
- Hi.
Where's Kelvin?
Nothing bad has happened to him.
He's not dead.
He believes in me so much, he gave me
this opportunity to prove myself.
You know, this is good,
because we've known Kelvin for years,
but we haven't had the pleasure
of getting to know you yet, Keefe.
Keefe is a sick break dancer.
Well, you've got their respect.
That's the most important thing.
Most important thing.
Hey, Blondie!
- It is you!
- Oh. Oh, no.
I know you!
Yeah, buddy. It's me, Clarence.
I own the Adult
Emporium off the highway.
You cleaned me out a
couple of days back
Bought every last butt
buzzer I had in stock.
- I know.
- You should stop by next week.
We just got some premium fuck dolls.
Take care, buddy!

It's not what you think.
It's something we did with your kids.

Why don't Why don't we all enjoy
some ice creams and wieners together?

Praise ♪

Praise ♪
Thank you, sir.
Good afternoon.
Pleasure to be a part of this society.
Who you plannin' to shoot?
Ain't shootin' nobody.
I'm practicing some potential moves
from my swearing-in ceremony.
Like choreography to music, or
This is a very serious organization.
Cape and Pistol is the most elite
of ministers and pastors.
You know, my daddy
was a lot older than me
when they finally swore him in.
And yet here I am,
my time to shine finally, motherfuckers.
Nothing can stop me now.
What the hell are you doing, dummy?
Can anybody have any
damn privacy around here?
Pontius, can you take
Makayla and go somewhere?
Like where?
You said we weren't allowed in my room.
You could go outside, enjoy some nature.
- Nature sucks. Shit's boring.
You know, you got a
really smart-ass mouth
for a little boy who didn't get accepted
into one single college.
How come none of them mouth smarts
are in your brain, dickhead?
Look, if you want to be a
winner like your old man,
who's being inducted into a
super exclusive organization,
you're going to college.
You can pick it or we will.
I bet you the boys at the Citadel
would split your ass
like a pair of damn Chinese chopsticks.
You can pay for classes.
Don't mean I'll go.
"Don't mean I'll go."
This little Pete Davidson
act you got going on
does not suit you.
Tattoos and a dumb-ass
haircut, it's not original.
You're not him.
I'm not trying to be Pete Davidson.
Well, good, because you're not.
[QUIETLY] Fuck my parents. Let's go.
I do not like his girlfriend.
No, she definitely
seems like she's a bitch.
Readin' about Hitler?
[SNORTS] No, asshole.
John Adams.
One of the pleasures of retirement is
you don't have to work on
a sermon on Sunday morning.
You seen my boys?
They gonna be late for church.
Even if it is a TV show church.
They left a couple hours ago.
Well, where'd they go?
Getting ready for church.

When I get tired and a little lonely ♪
The world's turned
its cold back on me ♪
When I'm about to swear ♪
I ain't got a friend left to my name ♪
Instead of sinking a little lower ♪
I start making tracks on over ♪
To a place where the
sun shines day and night ♪
And where I know I'll hear you say ♪
Come on in, baby, take your coat off ♪
Come on in, baby, take a load off ♪
Come on in, baby,
shake the blues off ♪
I'm gonna love that frown away ♪
Come on in, baby, put a smile on ♪
Come on in, baby,
tell me what's wrong ♪
Come on in, the blues
will be long gone ♪
I'm gonna love your hurt away ♪
Come on in, baby,
take your coat off, ♪
Come on in, baby, take a load off ♪
Come on in, baby,
shake the blues off ♪
I'm gonna love that frown away ♪
Come on in, baby, take your coat off ♪
Come on in, baby, take a load off ♪
Come on in ♪

ALL: Praise the Lord ♪
His righteousness at hand ♪
Holy war ♪
The battle has begun ♪
So praise the Lord ♪
His righteous love has come ♪
I know it.
Y'all are crazy!
Yeah, you're right.
The haircuts are good.
But I don't love those suits.
What's that material?
It's silk, Mama.
I don't like how shiny it is.
It's supposed to be shiny.
- I think.
- It is.
That's considered good.
Good for a lady's negligee.
A little loud and proud
for me, but that's fine.
Damn, Aunt May-May.
You can't ever give it up.
Always talking that trash.
I mean, their lives sure have
improved since coming here.
Karl's presenting like a
straight up cunt-smasher now.
- Oh
- Ugh.
Hi, everybody!
You got no business here, Peter.
I come in peace.
I'm here to apologize to my sons,
and that's it.


All right, I'll make this quick.
Boys, I'm sorry.
I apologize. I was wrong.
I accused you of bein' betrayers,
and now I know that it wasn't you.
Who was it, Pa?
- Fat-ass Lucas.
- Mm-hmm.
- I believe it.
- Hmm.
And now I'd like you to
come back home with me.
We got a brand-new place.
It's a beautiful old farm.
Like, real nice.
Tons of birds.
They ain't going nowhere with you.
You go home to your tons of birds!
I think the boys can
speak for themselves.
we got a good thing going here.
The Gemstones have been like family.
Because they gave you
some fancy haircuts, hmm?
Some new clothes?
You think you look
like Like slick boys?
You look silly.
You look plain ridiculous!
We ain't going, Pa.
Please leave.
Yeah, read the room, dude.
You're gonna read the back of my hand,
you sass me again, Judy!
You're gonna get your ass shot
if you don't get the fuck out of here.
Oh, who's gonna shoot me?

I am.
I was about to say
the same fuckin' thing.

Beat us to the draw.

Y'all Gemstones are the rednecks.

Look at you.

Old Gabriel is gonna blow his horn,
and when he does, a reckoning will come.
I think he might be blowing that horn
a little sooner than you think!
Happened so fast,
I didn't have time to shoot him.
Why'd he honk my nose?
I assume he identified you
as the weakest person at this table.
When did you guys get guns?
"Keefe is creepy.
I'm not comfortable
with him around kids"?
[SIGHS] I told you, it's no good.
This this is bonkers.
What the fudge, Keefe?
You had one job.
It's your only responsibility.
What happened?
I I bumped into that fella
that I bought all the
bullets and the dildos
and the butt buzzers and
the plugs and stuff from
at the porno store,
and he outed me in front of the parents.
Did you explain that
you bought all this stuff
on church business?
I tried, but I just couldn't seem
to articulate how buying
bunches of sex toys
was in the best interest of the church.
Keefe! Okay.
If you are not capable of running
Parents and Teens United,
are you really qualified
to be my assistant youth pastor?
This is not good, Keefe.
Speak of this no more.
This kind of talk makes my A-hole burn.
I hate to think I'm responsible
for your A-hole burning, brother.
It's like a sense of stability ♪
Learn to paint while
you drink fine wines?
You always know about
the coolest activities, Lollipop.
Well, Beej, your wife
is one of the cools.
So cool.
Do you like my painting?
Whoa. [LAUGHS] Is that your caca?
He's my childhood pet, Rags.
Is Rags an explosive
diarrhea that you named?
He was my dog.
Well, I never got the
pleasure to meet Rags,
so that's probably why
I don't recognize him.

It's just my gyno's office.
They're just, like, texting me
about a routine holes-and-folds checkup.
Another one?
[LAUGHING] They sent it twice.
Robots. Uhh.
So annoying. Don't send it twice.
I already got the appointment.

Ew, somebody sent me a dick pic.
I better text this guy back,
let him know he's got
the wrong recipient.
No, BJ!
Just block it.
Yeah, but some lucky gal's missin' out
on that glorious cock shot.
BJ, that's a perv! Okay?
That's like a old-school
dude in a raincoat
tryin' to flash people
to get his rocks off.
Okay. There, it's blocked.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.


Jeez Louise.
What was that all about?
I'm just trying to do
a paint and sip class!
You know what I mean?
It was just, like,
constant medical texts.
How can somebody have a
good time with their husband?
Let's paint and sip.

The cape shall embrace you
like the arms of Jesus Christ.
You wear it in celebration of his love.

The pistol gives the power to take life.
The Lord gave us free
will to do what we choose.
Thusly, it is a righteous
man who wears the pistol,
yet does no evil.
Jesse Gemstone, under the eyes of God,
you are hereby inducted into
the Cape and Pistol Society.
Congrats, Jesse.
A made man.
That's right, finally a part
of the Cape and motherfucking Pistol.
Jesse, we don't talk like
that in Cape and Pistol.
Oh, y'all don't do cuss words?
My bad. [CHUCKLES]
Thanks for keepin' me in
the dark on that one, Daddy.
Anyway, it was a long ride,
but I knew eventually I
would make it to the top.
[LAUGHS] Course you knew.
Isn't that some kind of a
given for somebody like you?
I'm sorry. How so?
Well, maybe because
you're Eli Gemstone's son.
Maybe that's got
something to do with it.
I earned this on my own merits.
I run one of the largest churches
in the entire country, okay?
So stop trippin', buddy.
Tell him, Daddy.
Of course you earned it.
Just settle down, Jesse.
Oh, Dr. Gemstone's running defense.
I love it.
Just making an observation.
Whoo-whee, sucker!
Don't you "whoo-whee, sucker" me.
I observe that you have appeared
to have gotten some
sort of ass whuppin'.
That's correct.
Didn't rob me or nothin'.
Just beat me.
And the cops don't know who did it?
No, they don't.
I just thank the Lord
that my sister and
brother weren't around.
I imagine it was just somebody
who was trying to teach
you a lesson in particular.
You know, maybe somebody you crossed
or were very rude to or something.
- I don't know.
- Well, I'm not so sure.
I am.
I'm sure.
Mmm, this brie is the fucking tits.
Excuse me!
You're not supposed to
cuss in Cape and Pistol.
Yeah, no fucking duh, dude.
My daddy already told me.
It's a tenet,
a level of respect we show each other.
Show some respect, Jesse.
Profanity in the chambers.
A white slap shall be issued.
A white slap?
What the fuck is that?




Hey! Jesse Gemstone!
Jesse! Look here!
Come on now.
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, what you think?
I I made it in!
I heard you was being sworn in today.
Well, come on now.
Let me in. Hook me up.
This is a secret society.
You can't just roll up in.
It ain't too secret if I heard about it.
Look here now.
If you ain't gonna make "Bible Bonkers,"
maybe some of these other
influential Christians will.
None of the men of Cape and Pistol
are gonna give a fuck
about "Bible Bonkers," okay?
Boy, I watched you become a man,
but don't think I won't
bend you over my knee
and turn that fat ass red now.
Ooh, I'd love to see you
turn this big fat ass red.
I'll give you 20 bucks. Try it.
- See what happens.
- I don't need $20 to kick your ass.
See what happens, motherfucker.
Let's go. Yeah, I'll
show you right here.
What you gonna do, you fucking old man?
[GRUNTS] Get the fuck off of there.
- Get that fuckin'
- Go on back inside
your little fucking
Mickey Mouse Club then.
Goddamn Harry Potter wannabes.
No, we're not.
You know what?
You so hell bent on running this church
the way your daddy did.
Only problem is, Jesse Gemstone,
you ain't your fuckin' Daddy.
What did my Daddy have that
made him so fucking special?
Well, for starters,
he had a star by his side, your mama.
But you ain't got that.
What you got?
You got you and two not-really-stars.
Actually, that is kind of the reality.
Ain't no "kind of" about it, Jesse.
Now, you want to capture the magic,
you need your mama,
and I can give her to you now.
What are you gonna do?
Dress up like her?
Ain't nobody gonna put
on no female clothes.
I'm talking about resurrection.
Bringing her back to life.
Uncle Baby Billy, I don't know
what the fuck you're smoking,
but I ain't buying it.
No one in our family trusts you.
I ain't about to start.
Thanks for coming by and giving me
congratulations on my inductsmans.
Resurrection, boy.
From the ashes in
fulfillment of the scriptures.
Put her back on that stage.
Restore the Kingdom.
Come see me when you're
ready to believe in miracles!
What the hell was that?
You got pocket gophers.
We're just doing a little
pest control for you.
Sounded like a bomb went off.
We made a little homemade explosive
with some fertilizer, some gas.
One more, we'll have cleared
out the whole den for you.
You know we've got grounds crew
for that kind of stuff.
Oh, we know.
But truthfully, they ain't
half as good as we are.
Plus, we just want to show you
we appreciate all you done for us.
I appreciate that thought,
and I'm real proud of the way
you stood up to your Daddy.
I know it wasn't easy.
We're happy you all are here.
Here goes.
You got scared.
- No, I didn't.
You see any gophers?
Not no more.
Parents of teens, good to see y'all.
Wow, all right.
Whoo! This is a good turnout.
Very cool, very cool.
So I just wanted to address
some of the letters
I've received in the SBC.
That is suggestion box comments.
Well, the issue is simple.
We do not feel safe with
the assistant youth pastor.
We heard he's a devil worshipper.
See, that's false, all right?
Fake news.
No, Keefe is an ex-Satan worshipper.
I don't judge people's past.
I used to sell fireworks
on the side of the road.
But I don't want him
influencing our children.
You don't have to worry
about Keefe around children.
All right? I vouch for him.
He is one of my closest
personal friends.
He is my dude. [CHUCKLES]
With all the rumors swirling about you,
can't you see how
strange this all looks?
There's rumors swirling about me?
Remove him, or we remove our kids.


Thank you for your feedback.
Enjoy your Woks on Water.

Well, I was hoping Thomas
would be here today.
He's my usual partner.
Someone slashed all his tires.
He can't make it.
Well, that's disturbing.
We need to find you a new partner.
I'll play.
BJ, right?
Didn't recognize you.
You're always in a suit at church.
Well, don't let the
Versace couture fool you.
It's still me.
Ah! What the hell?
So you go to Salvation Center?
I do. I do.
I'm Stephen.
I actually work with your lady.
Oh, nice.
She's a lot of fun, right?
is she ever.
Should we rock out?
Yeah, let's rock out.
Although I think pickleball
is a little bit more like jazz.

Oh, yeah. Feels good.
Get the blood flowing again.
Lately it's all been rushing to my cock.
Oh, for real?
Yeah, bro.
I've been hooking up with this chick.
So hot.
Horniest gal I've ever met.
You should see how wet her pussy gets.
I touch her, and it's just
instantly fucking dripping.
Fucking full-on rain puddles.
Well, thanks for filling in.
Oh, I'm filling in, all right.
I just meant that my
usual teammate, Thomas,
isn't here today.
I'm talking about how hopefully
I'll be filling in this chick's pussy.
I dry humped her till I came.
Had the fucking map of Hawaiian
islands all down my slacks.
Time out, you guys.
Time out.
Stephen, I have to say
I find what you're saying offensive.
Oh, do you?
I don't really enjoy poon-tang talk
with other fellas.
I know it's seen as locker room chat,
but I find it to be disrespectful.

You're a weak little fag, ain't you?
No, I'm a straight cis male,
but I don't believe that queer people
should be referenced
that way, regardless.

You fellas gonna play pickleball
or keep flapping them gums?


I love her, you dick!

Oh, my God, you're bleeding so much!
Is he on blood thinners?
They say Jesus struggled
with the crosswords.
He always got stuck at 2 across.
You're going to hell, Eli.
Maybe not today.
It's too nice out.
Yeah, it is pretty here in the garden.
I can see why Aimee-Leigh liked it.
It's not always a bad thing
to treat yourself nice, is it?
Yeah, I could never live like you do,
all the things you have.
I was never jealous of your riches.
But I am jealous that
your kids still love you.
That's more than I can say about my own.
Don't mistake love for dependency.
I feel like one of them old
dogs with swollen nipples
you see on a ranch searching for shade.
You look like one too.
Still, you know, it's been three years
since those boys played
their instruments for me.
They refuse to because
they know it gives me joy.
That's how much they hate me.
They don't hate you, May-May.
You're just hard to love sometimes.

I gave 'em everything I could.
Problem is, I never had a damn thing.
Today we are here to
discuss when people think
people might be molesting people.
Keefe's gotta go, Kelvin.
Okay, I can't even
believe what I'm hearing.
Fire Keefe?
He just can't be assistant
youth pastor anymore.
Martin thinks there
might be a place for him
in Immigrant Outreach.
Okay, I like working with Keefe closely.
He'll be so crushed.
Well, why don't you think about
your own family's feelings for once
instead of Keefe's, okay?
Do you know what it feels like to be me?
Who fucking makes
sacrifices right and left
to run this shit?
Why are you acting like
you're the only one doing stuff?
We all do stuff!
Okay, well, the stuff
that your friend is doing,
the molesting or whatever
the fuck is going on there,
that is not good for the church.
Church leaders have gotta
think about optics, Kelvin.
Okay? You need to suck it up, homey.
Like you sucked it up on tour?
How fucking dare you!
- You two.
Both of you, enough!
Fucker! I'm gonna kick you.
No, Jesse. Nah, son.
I don't like that.
I don't like you acting like Daddy.
Well, I don't like
how you're both acting,
like little immature babies.
Sit down.
Sittin' down 'cause I want to.
Well, this isn't fair, and
I think you all know that.
Martin, you got anything to say?
Life is not fair.
And Keefe as assistant
youth pastor does not work.
This is not the hill to die on, Kelvin.
I'm sorry.
I'm just getting my coffee. I'm leaving.
I vote no on everything else today.
The next thing we were gonna vote for
was funding the battered
women's shelter.
It's a no!
Ran into your coworker Stephen
at the pickleball court.
- Pardon?
- Stephen?
Spiky haired man from music?
What's up with him?
What'd he what'd
he say? What'd he want?
We played as a team, but it was strange.
He started doing graphic sex talk.
I didn't really get on board.
I kind of upset him.
What kind of graphic sex talk?
That's so weird. [LAUGHS]
Explicit descriptions of sex acts
he'd done with a woman,
how her vaginal secretions
made full puddles on the ground,
how she liked it when he
shot into his own trousers.
It was kind of gross, to be honest.
I said no thanks, and
he lashed out at me.
The dude's a sicko, BJ.
He's got major problems in his brain.
That's why he got fired.
Stephen got fired?
- Mm-hmm.
- What for?
I don't know, it was like a
Time's Up/Me Too type deal.
That's why he was so prickly with me.
He's upset he lost his job.
I should call him.
What? No!
Don't you dare do that.
Just leave it alone.
Sometimes when men boast,
they're really just insecure.
Stop trying to figure this dude out.
You are a good guy.
He is a very, very bad guy.
That's it.
I didn't know you felt so strongly.
I feel like the opposite of strongly.
Don't give a shit whether
the dude lives or dies.
In fact, I lean toward
hoping he dies today.
But also, I could care less.

Well, well, well, look who it is.
It's your favorite cousin, Jesse.
Big, bad Jesse.
You ready for a miracle?

- Nephew, prepare yourself.
Here she comes.
Old country lane
still looks the same ♪
I long to lay down
and sleep in the meadow ♪

And listen to the wind
from the valley and bends ♪
A train whistle ♪
I hear you a-comin' ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Hey buddy.
What you working on?
I'm fashioning pieces
of construction paper
into crosses for the
Youth Group bulletin board.
But they keep coming out like daggers.
I'm sure it's fine, Keefe.
Uh, look.
I have to talk to you
about something, and it's
well, it's not easy to talk about.
Sexual stuff?
We're gonna move you out of Youth Group,
but guess what.
I got you a gig in Immigrant Outreach.
You're finally gonna get
to use your Cantonese!
Hung Ku!
That means very cool.
I looked it up.
I understand.
I'm sorry for the trouble
I brought upon you.
You are no trouble.
You saved me.
And I will walk the righteous path
from here on out because of you.
It's time I take what I've learned
and put it to good use.
Alone, by myself.
No, Keefe, we're just
shifting your position.
I need to give you space so
that the air can be cleared.
I don't want space.
I'll move out.
This is a big decision.
Take your time.
You should You should pray on it.
I'll be out tomorrow.
You Gemstones are stars,
destined to burn bright.

Best I step aside.


Hey, sexy!
So you're stalking my husband now?
I told you I wouldn't give up.
Hey, Stephen, you gave it
the college try, all right?
But my decision stands.
This is never gonna happen.
It's a mistake I never,
ever should have made.
I love BJ.
I hate Kristy.
I wish I could chop her fucking head off
while she's making omelets.
- Okay, do it.
- I would.
Whatever you do, I need
you to respect my wishes
and stop harassing me.
Harassing you?
You want me, Judy.
Nah, boy.
If I wanted you, I would have you.
I was just doing what I
thought you're supposed to do
when you're a rock star.
I thought, "Hey, man,
"people want to fall in
love with me, suck my dick?
So be it."
It turns out I'm not Daniel Lee Rothson.
I'm Judy Gemstone.
I'm BJ Barnes's bitch and no one else's.
You're not half the man that he is.
It's funny you should mention him.
Judy? What are you doing here?

Called my old pickleball partner here
to bury the hatchet.
See, I can't stand
all this lying anymore.
Exhausting to live that way.

do you want to tell him the truth, Judy?

Or do I have to?

Hi, Mama.
Uh-oh. What's goin' on?
Who died?
We just thought that we'd, uh
We'd play our music for you.
We're gonna play "Sinner,
You'd Better Get Ready,"
your favorite.
Two, three, four.

Sinner, you'd better get ready ♪
Oh, you better get ready, Hallelujah ♪
Sinner, you'd better get ready ♪
Times are coming when
the sinner must die ♪

Oh, sinner man, you better pray ♪
Times are coming
when a sinner must die ♪
Get prepared for your judgment day ♪
Oh, Pontius! What the fuck?
Get the fuck out!
Oh, my God.
Put your fucking pants
on and come to my office.
BOTH: Times are comin'
when the sinner must die ♪
About to be burned
in the flames of hell ♪
BOTH: Times are comin'
when the sinner must die ♪

We were horny, so we fucked.
Big whoop.
It is a big whoop, Pontius.
You're my son.
I'm the head of the church.
All right, you know what?
I was gonna be cool, but fuck that.
The reason why Makayla is allowed
to come to this house
is because we trust you.
But if you're gonna sit
there and put jizm on her
behind our backs, then you
can kiss that trust goodbye.
Trust is a gift that
should be cherished.
Life is tough.
When you allow yourself
to trust another person,
that takes some of the weight off.
And that's why it stings extra
when that trust is betrayed.
Better say your goodbyes ♪
BOTH: Times are coming
when the sinner must die ♪
People do not like having the rug
pulled out from underneath them.
Love can be lost.
Relationships can be damaged forever.
It can take years and years to mend
all that wasted fucking time.
Trust is the only
thing keeping the entire
house of cards standing.
Without it, we're left
with a shit-stained world
full of liars and cheats.
Oh, you better get ready, Hallelujah ♪
Somebody gifting you their trust
is a very, very powerful thing.
So breaking that trust is
the equivalent of saying,
"Hey buddy, fuck you.
I don't give a fuck
about what you think."

Is that what you want?
Is that what you want to
portray to me and your mom?
"Hey, Mom, hey, Dad, fuck you.
I don't give a fuck
about what you think."
Someone saying "fuck you" to family
will not be tolerated in this house.
As your father, have
I made myself clear?
BOTH: Sinner must die ♪
We love you, Mama.
That was for you, Mama.
You proud, Pa?
- We do good?
Five thousand pounds
of ammonium nitrate.
Stick that up Uncle Sam's ass
and blow him straight to Mars.
You did good, boys.
Did real good.
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