The Righteous Gemstones (2019) s03e09 Episode Script

Wonders That Cannot Be Fathomed, Miracles That Cannot Be Counted

Ta-dah! Look who it is.
Oh, this motherfucker.
Children, do I got a doozy for you.
Baby Billy, what are you trying
to hit us up for now, man?
Lionel need gold baby
teeth or some shit?
Let me guess, this
time, you want a harem
full of professional
rub-and-tuggists from Thailand?
- Y'all just dirty.
What, you want to ask
permission to sell tickets
for people to dig up Mama's
grave and do pee on her?
- Oh, God.
- That ain't right.
Now all three y'all about to look like
a bunch of smiling dickheads
with the news I got.
What you got, Uncle Baby Billy?
I'm friends with Dusty Daniels,
the Slick Bandit himself.
I partied with his ass over in Monaco
after my second bankruptcy.
- ALL: Eight, seven, six
- Gonna get us all, Y2K!
ALL: Five, four, three, two, one!
That Y2K shit didn't happen,
so we partied our dicks off that night.
Me, and Dusty Daniels, and Gene Hackman
lost our fucking minds, man.
The actor Gene Hackman?
Well, it was either him
or some unfortunate fella
who looked just like him.
Gene, Gene, Gene!
It's Gene fucking Hackman! Whoo!
We went hard, everybody talking
about the end of the world.
Felt like God was
giving us a second shot.
- Get it, Gene!
- Get it, Gene!
So we took some shots,
a whole bunch of 'em.

We found an after-party.
We hung out for a bit.


Wait, hold up. Did
you fuck Dusty Daniels?
I doubt it. But you never know.
We threw caution to the wind, boy.
So y'all for sure touched dicks.
Well, we might have touched dicks.
Look, that ain't the
important part of the story.
I put in a good word
for y'all with Dusty.
Now he's getting bored
with the Simkins crew.
Says they whine too much
about their dead parents.
I think that door might
still be open for you now.
Okay, I'll bite.
What do we have to do to get him back?
Well, you know how old Dusty
likes himself a competition.
So it seemed like the
best bet would be for y'all
to prove your worth
by going head to head
with the Simkins family
on the premier episode of
"Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers."
- Oh, God.
- Ha, the winner gets Dusty!
Imagine that, two
famous Christian families
just duking it out for Dusty.
Come on, again with this
"Bible Bonkers" bullshit?
Give it up.
If you want Dusty back,
green light my fucking show.
Pew, pew.
Whoo-whee, sucker.
Praise ♪

Praise ♪
Son of a
So what we coming here for?
Well, I gotta use their
coin counting machine.
There's maybe I don't know
Right there, 30 bucks right there.
30 bucks won't even get
us half a tank of gas.
Well, that's half a tank more
than we got right now, smart guy.
All we gotta do is get to the Gemstones.
You need to learn the value of a dollar.
- Have fun.
- Come on.
Let's go do the Coinstar together, huh?
Maybe get you a candy bar,
depending on how much
we got left, but
You do the coins. I
don't need a candy bar.
I'll stand watch.
All right.
I appreciate you, Chuck.
You're a good boy,
standing up with your pa
while the rest of the
world turns their backs.
You know, you're all I've got left.
I love you, buddy.
I love you too, Pa.


12.38? God damn it.


Authorities are still searching
for this person of interest.
Peter Montgomery, 64,
had rented the truck with the bomb.
It's still unknown whether he
escaped or died in the blast.
We will continue to follow
this story as it develops.
How come they ain't said
nothing about Chuck, Mama?
Why do you think?
'Cause there ain't nothing left of him.
- Oh, don't say that.
- Let's stay positive.
Chuck, poor, poor Chuck.
Psst, Daddy.
Remember how we were talking about how
we were doing "Bible Bonkers"?
We need to get two more
members to round out our team.
We were hoping to get some ringers.
We were thinking, maybe you
be one of our team members,
maybe, you know, Big
Karl or Aunt May-May.
What the hell is he talking about?
Baby, maybe out of respect
for Chuck, we just
Oh, no, that's the thing, though, Amber,
was we were gonna ask Chuck
'cause he is a huge Bible nerd,
but it's like, obviously, now
So now we have to settle
for Karl or May-May.
- Still good choices.
- That's enough.
Hey, y'all, let's do
it for Chuck, you know?
If he's dead like the news is making it
really, really seem like he is,
he would want us to win Dusty back.
He would.
- My son!
- Mama?
We could do an in memorandums title card
in the credits for him.
- In memorials.
- It's "in memoriam."
- The memoriams?
- Dad, that would be sick.
To Chuck.
How many times have you heard me
give that speech?
Something about this time
that even some Hebrews
came up to me.
Oh, looky here.
Boys, boys, boys, are we doing chuckles?
Simkins, I really hope
you've enjoyed your time
with the Slick Bandit.
We'll see where old Dusty
lands after my family
whips your family's
ass on "Bible Bonkers."
Better hush that cussing, Jesse,
lest ye want another white slap.
Don't you know who you
are up against, Jesse?
Vance here knows the entire
New Testament by heart.
His biblical knowledge runs deep.
Hell, my family's biblical
knowledge runs deep too.
Your family don't stand a chance, Jesse.
We're gonna humiliate
you on "Bible Bonkers"
on your own network.
Let all your followers see how far
the mighty Gemstone empire has fallen.
They're all gonna leave you.
Even God will forsake you.
- Son of a bitch.
No acts of violence will be
tolerated in the chambers.
A black slap will be administered if so.
- What the hell's a black slap?
- You get naked for that one.
I dare you. Get the black slap.
Boys, boys.
Save it for the quiz show.
Fine, the quiz show
it shall be saved for.
Can't wait.
- Jesse.
- [MOCKINGLY] Jesse, Jesse.
You keep on truckin'.
Don't you tell me how to walk.
- I truck everywhere I walk.
- Uh-huh.
This'll be your face at the quiz show.
Oh, yeah? How about this?
How's that?
Yeah, don't get dizzy on your way out.

[CRYING] They took my son away from me.
And what now?
What am I supposed to do now?
I don't

Lord Jesus.
I am in my darkest hour.

I am but a lost sheep
in the need of a shepherd, please.
Please give me a sign, Lord Jesus.
[GROANS] I'm gonna


Oh, shoot.
I will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that
stalks the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys the midday.
Dear Lord, you are our
fortress and our refuge.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Crying won't do no
good, son. Stay strong.
The Lord's will shall be done.

Hello, Mama.
Chuck, Chuck!
- Chuck, you're alive!
- Thank you, God.
Chuck, oh, my gosh!
- Oh, Chucky!
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God, Chuck!
- My son!
- Mama.
- Oh, Chuck.
The Lord has delivered him back to us.
Actually, I just hitchhiked here.
That explosion was meant
for y'all Gemstones.
Chuck saved you.
I made sure there were no people nearby
when I set it off.
I needed to break away.
I started to realize it
right after you left, Karl.
Why were you, like, super mean to us
the whole time we were held captive?
I didn't want y'all to die or get hurt.
I just wanted Pa to get that money.
I thought y'all could afford it.
I'm sorry, cousins.
Uncle. I know it ain't no excuse.
But I am sorry.
I have to admit, you
keeping us from blowing up
in an explosion is a pretty
good way to make it up to us.
- Very thoughtful.
- Creative too.
Well, I, for one,
do not accept this betrayer's words.
So if you'll excuse me,
I have a quiz show program
to make preparations for.

There comes a time ♪
When you face the truth alone ♪
Stand up and fight your battle ♪
Leaving your own inhibitions behind ♪
Stand on your own ♪
There's no retreat,
there's no surrender ♪
Stand on your own ♪
Hey, cuz.
For you must choose
what your heart tells you ♪

Look, I don't expect you to forgive me
or be cool cousins with me anymore.
I know I done you wrong.
I just I wanted to
see what it'd be like
to have my daddy again,
see what he could teach me.
Wasn't what I expected.
Homie's a damn militia leader.
I don't know what sort
of daddy/son lessons
you were hoping to snag from that.
That's easy for you to say.
You got your daddy around,
and he helps you all.
Barely, I mean, yeah, sure,
he gave us our houses, and,
you know, fancy stuff, and the church,
but that's fucking all.
That other stuff is a lot.
Well, I'd trade every bit of it
if he'd just act like he was
proud of me every now and then
instead of always looking at me
like he's half-ass embarrassed.
An old man looking at you like
that your whole entire life,
I'd say that's worse than
having no daddy at all.
I guess we do have that in common.
Look to our daddies for guidance.
But we're grown. It's up to us now.
Yeah, it is. I'll tell you what.
You promise not to betray my family
or participate in any
sort of kidnapping plots
against me or people
that are important to me,
then I will forgive you.
Just know that if you
go back on your promise,
then I will kill you, and it'll be fair,
and there'll be nothing
you can say about it.
- How would you kill me?
- I don't know.
Maybe shoot you.
I can stab you, cut you up,
chop your little body into pieces.
Maybe radiation poisoning.
Anything I desire.
You won't see it coming,
but you will be dead.
It won't matter anyway.
I'll never betray you again.
- Or do kidnappings?
- Or do kidnappings.
Cool cousins again?
Cool cousins.
Gemstones and Montgomerys,
oil and vinegar,
fire and ice, but not
tonight, dear Lord.
Tonight we thank you for joining us here
together as one.
One family to defeat another family
to win the riches of yet another man,
a race car man.
Please, dear heavenly
Father, give us the strength,
courage, and dexterity
to beat the Simkins.
Let us be victorious
today, united as one.
- BOTH: Amen.
- Whoo!
I'm really feeling like we
might be able to pull this off.
Mm-hmm, me too.
Thanks for joining the squad, cuzzes.
We know y'all are huge Bible nerds.
So fuck yes.
We are. We know our stuff.
- Hey, knock-knock.
Oh, hey, come to say hi before the show?
I came to say thank you.
Now, having my own game show
has always been a dream of mine.
And y'all made that come true, now.
You've always dreamt of
being a game show host?
- You're goddamn right, Jesse.
- Okay.
Now, I know y'all see
me as a mentor figure.
It's no mystery that y'all
are basically orphans.
I mean, your mama's dead,
your daddy's out to lunch,
but who stepped up?
Me, I had to step up,
and I had to guide you,
and counsel you, and hold you.
Well, I feel like I'm your daddy.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
You didn't do any of
those things you just said.
I've done all of it.
I am all y'all's daddy.
- BOTH: Not my daddy.
- You're not my daddy.
- Now, I'm your daddy.
- You ain't my daddy, boy.
- Yes, I am.
- You are not our daddy.
- I am your daddy.
- Not our daddy.
- You ain't my fucking daddy.
- Hush!
- Okay.
- I said I'm your daddy.
- You ain't my daddy.
- Listen to me.
I know you got a lot
riding on this game tonight.
So to show you my appreciation
and to let you know
how much I love you, I'ma get distracted
and leave these here deck
of cards with the answers
to tonight's questions on
them in your dressing room.
Oh, I'm distracted. I'm
not paying attention.
I don't know. Did I
leave something here?
Get over here. Good luck.
- Judy.
- Okay.
What the fuck is going on right now?
Now be a star. And hey.
I'm proud of you.
Now go cheat.
- Seems dishonest to me.
- Yeah, no duh, Chuck.
With those, there's no way
in hell we would lose to them.
You know I ain't above cheating.
Use our family's
wealth to purchase a win
or hire some fellas to go
into their dressing room
and beat the fuck out of
them, so they're incapacitated
for the tournament tonight.
Okay, let's do that.
But that would not be the
behavior of a righteous man.
Tonight we beat these
motherfuckers fair and square.
Tonight we fucking earn this one.
- Whoo!
- God damn it.
Well, I am so proud of you, Jesse.
That being said, we are
definitely gonna lose now.
You know what, this
is gonna take too long.
- Oh.
- Oh, God dang.
There, now no one look at the cards
'cause they got my cock cooties on them.
Now let's go win.
- Amen.
- Whoo!
- Let's win!
- Come on!
- Let's go!
- Okay.
I never thought I'd see the
day when our grown children
were together on a quiz show, Eli.
- That is kind of crazy.
Oh, my God, is that who I think it is?
Damn, it's Peter. That is him.
Follow him discreetly.

[WHISPERING] Go bonkers.
Who did Jesus bring back to life?
ALL: Lazarus!
What is the color of
death's great horse?
ALL: Pale!
And who put all the animals on the boat?
ALL: Noah!

- Let's go ♪
- Bible bonkers ♪
Buzzing in in the name of the Lord ♪
Bible bonkers ♪
Where Jesus has the highest score ♪
From Abraham and
Sarah to Adam and Eve ♪
A little burning
bush to an olive tree ♪
Let's go Bible bonkers ♪
- It's time to play ♪
- God's favorite game ♪
- Bible bonkers ♪
Bible bonkers ♪
- God's favorite game ♪
Welcome to the very first episode
of a soon-to-be Christian
cultural phenomenon,
"Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers"!
I'm so blessed to have you here.
You're from all over the
world, and that's a big ask,
considering the price
of gasoline these days.
Everything is so expensive, even wood.
If Noah was alive today,
he couldn't have built
the ark out of wood.
He would have had to make a dinghy.
All righty, let's bring
out our first contestants.
Bonker Boys, bring out
the Gemstone family!
Yes! Come on, baby!

All right, all right.
Now let's bring out their opponents,
the Simkin family!

All right, all right.
Let's have the team captains
please come up here
- You got it, Jesse, go on now.
- To the buzzer podiums.
Let's go, there's a
lot on the line tonight.
So let's get at 'em.
First question, here we go.
How long was Lazarus dead for
when Jesus brought him back to life?
- Four days.
- Four days, that is correct.
That's a point, Simkins.
Next one. Next person come up.
- That's my brother!
- Let's go, Gemstones!
Shake it off, shake it off.
Judy, you got this!
- Give me some sugar now.
- Okay.
It's fine! He's my uncle!
Next question.
What is the shortest Bible verse?
John 11:35, "Jesus wept."
- Yeah, duh.
- All right!
Another point for the Simkins.
- Judy!
- See, I knew that.
Don't worry. I got this.
- Yeah, go on, get on up there.
- All right.
Kelvin Gemstone!
Finish the scripture:
James 1:5, "If any of you
lack wisdom, let him"
- Ask of God!
- God, I knew it.
- That is correct!
- Yes!
- Nicodemus.
- Correct!
- An ark of bulrushes.
- Correct!
Another point for the Simkins!
Where's he going?
He's going to the church.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Don't come any closer!

- Ha!
- It's my new bomb!
Young and eager, don't you try it.
See this here?
I Bluetooth connected
the bomb to my Fitbit.
Acts as a dead man's switch.
If my heartbeat stops,
Mr. Fitbit here tells
Mr. Bomb to explode.
So don't try anything!
What is with you and bombs now?
Pfft, you're a damn fool, Peter!
I got nothing left!
Don't you know?
We lost him, May-May. We lost our boy.
He's the only thing I
had left in this world,
and now he's gone.
Chuck ain't dead, you idiot!
He's in the studio
you're trying to blow up!
Chuck set the bomb off! He
did it to get away from you.
Now, the Gemstone family
lost that first round,
which means the team captain is sent
to the Hurricane Booth!

- The hell's a Hurricane Booth?
- You about to find out.
Bonker Boys, take him away!
- No.
- Let's go!
- No, no.
- Yeah, come on out.
Oh, get him out.
Great going! In the box!
Let's go. Get him over.
Keep going to the Hurricane Booth.
This is the bonkers part of the program!
Now every single time the
Gemstones get one wrong,
we gon' blast Jesse
in the Hurricane Booth!
So you turned Chuck against me too, huh?
It's all your fault any
of this happened, Eli.
It's always been your fault.
You don't gotta do this.
You know it's not
what Christ would want.
Well, come to think of it,
nowadays, I don't even
know what Christ wants.
But I do know he always seems
to have the Gemstones' backs.
There's one thing I keep telling myself
to make me feel better.
The Lord builds them up,
so when they fall,
they fall harder than
any of these righteous
What is that?
A bug just knocked
its ass on your mouth.
- Whoa.
- Whoa!
Hey, hey! Damn.
Hey! Whoa!

Now, from the book of Leviticus
- Everybody get inside!
- Agh!

Go, go, go, go, go!


Son of bitches!



Baby Billy!


I got you, Dusty! Let's go!
Oh, no!
Oh, God.
Jesse, where are you?
Amber! Amber!
Dad! Go, go, I got 'em.
- I got 'em.
- Come on, let's get Jesse!
Let's go!
Jesse, Jesse, where is Eli?
- Go! Come on!
- Come on!
My boys!
- May-May!
Come on, let's get her.
Get in! In here.
Let's go.
Oh, oh!
Ah! Get down here.
Keefe! No!
Come on, Pa. Pa! Pa, come on.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go!
Don't you let go of me.
- Go!
- I got you, Keefe!
- Jesse!
- Come on, get in there!

Jesse, where are you going?
I gotta find my daddy!
What did he say?
He went to find some titty!

[GRUNTS] Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
- Jesse!
- Dad!



We gonna have to do some reshoots.

Dusty, you okay?
I've been so worried about you.

Whoo-whee, sucker.
Well, Dusty, come on, now.
Oh, hey, guys. I was
looking all over for you.
Where were you? Come here.

You all right?
Okay, good.
You all right?
That was God.
That was God talking to us,
just as sure as I'm talking to you.
That was God's hand, Peter.
I know it was.
Chuck didn't die in
that explosion, Papa.
He sees that, Karl.
And I'm glad.
I thought I got you killed.
Seems like me getting out of prison's
the worst thing could've happened
to this family.
I should never have come home
and brought all this misery upon y'all.
No, no.
The worst thing that
happened to this family
was when you got locked up.
I blamed everyone else, even Eli,
but truth is,
this all happened cause
we had our own problems.
I mean, you were just trying
to make our lives better,
more comfortable, and I
I never supported you.
I'm really sorry for that, Peter.
I don't think I've ever heard you say
you're sorry before, Mama.
Yeah, 'cause she's never said it before.
Well, I'm saying it now.

I love you guys.

- I love you, Dad.
God moves in mysterious ways.

I feel like I got my family back.
Oh, jeez.

The dead man's switch.

The bomb! It's set to explode!
What did he say, a bomb?
- Oh, shit.
It's gonna vaporize this whole place!
There's only one thing I can do,
and that's drive it out of here!
But Pa, you'll You'll blow up.
Peter, no!
- Pa!
- Daddy, no!
To tomorrow's fires!
- No!
- No, no!
No, Daddy!

Papa, no!

Oh, jeez!
Friends, we are here today
to say goodbye to a wonderful man,
a true legend,
NASCAR's own Dusty Daniels.
People knew him as the Slick Bandit.
He lived big,
drove fast,
and spoke from the heart.
Our family was lucky enough
to get close to Dusty.
Before he passed away
peacefully in his sleep,
he entrusted his estate to us,
and we couldn't be happier
to put his money to
good use in his name.
He will be missed
but not forgotten.
So together,
we say
"Whoo-whee, sucker"
one last time
for the fastest man on four wheels.
ALL: Whoo-whee, sucker.

How do you fix your life
when everything goes up in smokes?
Good question.
It's one that I ask
myself every single day,
because marriage isn't easy.
But by using the System,
my wife and I are now
doing better than ever.
Trust me, I did not think
the System would be any good at all.
Getting handed this box of the System,
we were so mad. We wanted to kill.
We thought, "What is
this scam? Why is it $500?
"Why is Amber at our
house, giving it to us?
Like, everything about this is shady."
- But then we tried it,
and it helped everything:
our friendship, our love, our laughter.
Thank you so much, the System.
See what the System can do for you.
I really was off about you.
I mean, I used to dread
if I had to go something
and I knew you were gonna be there.
- Mm.
- Like, "Oh, man, fuck me.
"Now I'm gonna have to,
like, make conversation
with the dumb, mean bitch
my brother's married to."
Because you don't feel that way anymore.
I mean, I'm not trying
to, like, be best friends or nothing.
I'm doing compliments.
This is a cool moment for you.
I'll never forget it.
Here we are again,
parked outside of another shop of sin.
God's work is never done.
Should we wait for the other
Smut Busters to get here,
or just do, like, a
test run, me and you?
Yeah, let them know we are watching,
judging their lifestyle,
you know, what they
do in their spare time.
Yeah, like,
judge what people do in their bedrooms,
- behind closed doors.
- Yeah.
we could just let this one go.
Let it go?
Yeah, like, maybe there are
other ways to serve the Lord.
Maybe this is the kind of situation
where you live and let live, you know?
Live and let live, you say?
That was just an expression I made up
on the spot right there.
Popped to my head like magic.
I look like an asshole.
Your journey to becoming
a man worthy of the Gemstone name
begins today.
There comes a time in every kid's life
where he's gotta move
out of his parents' house,
strike out into the world on your own,
push yourself to achieve things
you never thought possible.
You didn't do that.
You literally live
on the same property as Granddad.
You know, there was a time
when I would've slapped the taste
out of your fucking mouth
for saying that to me,
but not anymore,
because you're right.
I didn't earn it.
It was given to me.
I wonder who I would've been
if I would've had to work for it,
if I had to fight tooth
and nail to survive.
I'd like to think I could've done it,
but I'll never know.
I don't want that for you.
I'm fine with that
being how it goes for me.
Seriously, Dad.
You're gonna earn it.
You're gonna be a better
man than me when it's done.
It's my gift to you.
A gift?
You're making me go to a
fucking military school.
I'm making sure you
learn how to fly, my son.
Come here.
I love you.

They're gonna eat his fucking ass alive.
Now that you're all healed,
I take it you'll be leaving me
looking for a new driver.
Well, Granddad, if I
stayed and didn't leave
You can drive for me
as long as you want,
but don't let it keep you
from following your calling.
Well, Grandad, that's the thing. Uh
if I wanted to learn to do what you do,
would you teach me?
You wanna preach?
Yeah, I think I might.

- Got one.
- Oh!
Ease on.
- There it is.
- Come on, keep him.

Give me a word, give me a sign ♪
Show me where to look ♪
And tell me, what will I find? ♪
What will I find? ♪
Lay me on the ground,
fly me in the sky ♪
Show me where to look ♪
And tell me, what will I find? ♪
What will I find? ♪

Yeah ♪

Oh ♪
Heaven let your light shine down ♪

Oh ♪
Heaven let your light shine ♪
Oh, wow.

Love is in the water ♪
Love is in the air ♪
Show me where to go ♪
And tell me, will love be there? ♪
Will love be there? ♪

Teach me how to speak,
teach me how to share ♪
Teach me where to go ♪
And tell me will love be there? ♪
My turn, fuckers!
Will love be there? ♪


Oh ♪
Heaven let your light shine down ♪
Heaven let your light shine down ♪

Oh ♪
Heaven let your light shine ♪

Let's fucking go!

Heaven let your light shine down ♪
Let it shine, let it shine ♪
Let it shine ♪
Heaven let your light shine down ♪
Let it shine ♪
Heaven let your light shine down ♪
Shine ♪
Heaven let your light shine down ♪

Heaven let your light shine down ♪
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