The Rockford Files (1974) s05e01 Episode Script
Heartaches of a Fool
I think somebody ought to wave you off the track before you hit the wall.
But my dad's still where he was three minutes ago, and your sausages are still being made in Mexico.
You got Charlie Strayhorn and you brought him here to this room.
He wasn't doing too much, so I had to twist his arm a little.
Stop it, Charlie! He's Chinese.
Oh, I love it.
I just love it.
Yahoo! ROCKFORD This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone, leave your name and message.
I'll get back to you.
Say, I'm the one who hit your car at Ford City.
I got no insurance, I'm broke, but I really wanted you to know how sorry I am.
If it makes you feel any better, I hurt my arm.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Global Pavilion is proud to present its favorite star, Charlie Strayhorn.
Well, a long time forgotten Are dreams that just fell by the way And the good life he promised ain't what she's living today But she never complains of the bad times Or the bad things he's done, Lord She just talks about the good times they've had and all the good times to come She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man And she loves him in spite of his ways that she don't understand Through teardrops and laughter They're gonna pass through this world hand in hand, Lord This good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man He likes the nightlife, the bright lights and his good-timing friends And when the party's all over, she'll welcome him back home again Lord knows she don't understand him But she does the best that she can This good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man And she loves him in spite of his ways that she don't understand Through teardrops and laughter They're gonna pass through this world hand in hand, Lord This good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man You didn't get a plate on either of the vehicles, sir? Well, how was I going to get a plate, officer? License's still current and all that? Well, it sure is.
Is that it in your pants pocket, Mr.
Rockford? Yeah, right there.
Would you take it out for me, please? Sixty-eight? Little old for the big rigs, aren't you, sir? Hey, Dad, you okay? Now, wait.
Just a minute, just a minute.
What does that mean? Excuse me.
Are you related to Mr.
Rockford? All my life.
He's my dad.
Well, we're still investigating this, sir.
Your log says you were pulling hot dogs for a combined weight of 23,000 pounds.
We have a county white hat going out there in the morning to check everything out, but meanwhile, I think I'll just hang onto this.
I'll clip it right here to my board so you'll know right where it is, sir.
Are you lifting my license? Well, sir, in a large accident like this, it's customary to have a review.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
Sonny.
It's okay, Dad.
No, no, he's got my license there.
Dad, it's okay.
Just a minute.
Put out a code seven at Sis and Al's.
Officer? I haven't eaten yet.
Would you excuse me just a minute? You're lucky he wasn't hurt a lot worse than he was.
They're gonna keep him here for a while for evaluation, I guess.
Yeah, well, it's about his license.
Let me interrupt you right there, Mr.
Rockford.
Now, I was trying to be nice in there, but, come on.
Sixty-eight, driving an eighteen-wheeler way too fast He left enough rubber out there to get a reclamation contract.
I'm not the last word on these things, but my guess is the DMV is gonna ice your dad's ticket.
May I? If my father says there were two blue sedans, there were two blue sedans.
That's an old story, sir.
Every time one of these guys cartwheels one of those monsters, it's always another car coming down the wrong side of the road or some crazy thing like that.
Fact is, I think your dad maybe was sleeping up there, drove off the road and had himself one of the biggest weenie roasts in history.
I hope he's feeling better.
Good night.
Dr.
Philips, go to the emergency entrance.
Dr.
Judd Philips.
Well? Well Listen I You know, I was worried about you.
I really was.
I talked to the nurse, she said you're gonna be okay.
Forty-five years I been pushing and trucking.
They're gonna pull my ticket.
No they're not.
Not really.
It wasn't even my truck.
What am I gonna tell Roland Eddy? Well, I'll tell him for you, Dad.
It's okay.
I'm telling you something, sonny, they pull my ticket, it ain't never gonna be the same for me.
You only use it now and then, and then it's only when you're backing up a friend.
I mean, what's the difference? That ain't the point.
It's just knowing I got that ticket here in my wallet that It gives me a reason for being.
Now, you can understand that, can't you? Yeah, I can understand it, Dad.
Them chappies was already here.
Signed off the report.
Seeing as how it was my truck he totaled.
Yeah, well, my dad really feels terrible about the accident, Mr.
Eddy.
He said you'd been sick.
That's why he was driving for you.
Yeah, I been feeling a little mussed.
Just can't seem to shake it.
He seems to think it was an attempted hijacking.
Look, you tell him I ain't squawking about the truck.
Just forget about the truck.
The less said about that the better.
Did you read the police report? Yeah.
Well, if my dad said he was forced off the road, then he was forced off the road.
He wants me to look into it.
Try to prove it.
Come on.
He what? You heard me.
You his son, huh? Yeah.
Let me see something proving that.
What the hell's the matter with old Joe? Didn't he tell you about Slim and the meeting at the Fifty-One Diner near Diego? The what? Didn't he tell you about ducking them truck scales and not using Highway l-Five? What are you talking about? Smuggle, man.
It was a smuggle.
Them links was made down in Mexico.
We been running them up here for about two weeks now.
Six trucks.
I made six trips myself.
Usually to San Diego.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me that you told my father he was smuggling and he agreed to it? I don't believe that.
Well, maybe I didn't use the word "smuggling," but come on, man, I told him to take the truck down to San Diego, give it to Slim, Slim would load it and give it back to him.
I told him to stay away from the truck scales and not get near no four-lane highways.
Now was he born in church? Don't he know what that means? Slim who? Don't know his last name, just Slim.
Then there were two sedans.
Who was in them? How do I know? Could be some overeager food and drug feds, maybe some freelancers.
It might be some enemies of the guys who set this up.
I tell you one thing, I'm glad they wrecked my truck, though.
I'm damn glad of that 'cause I'm going to collect on the insurance.
I'm going to move up to Washington 'cause L.
A.
ain't my town no more.
Let me ask you something.
When you deliver, where do you take them? They usually give me a spot.
Supermarket parking lot.
I get out, leave the keys on the front tire, come back in the morning, box is empty.
You probably forgot to mention that to Rocky, too, huh? Look, the only reason I'm telling you this is so you keep that old man of yours quiet.
Now if he stays quiet, all them buzzards is gonna fly right on past.
But if he opens up to the cops or anybody like that, then they're gonna pack him up and plant him in the garden.
Well, you haven't said who "they" were.
I don't know who they are.
I just answer the telephone.
They send my money in the mail.
It's green and it's cash.
Now, the only thing I know, Mr.
Rockford, is what I read on them packages.
You want to see it? That's it.
I don't believe it.
Of course, all this will be brought up before the union management.
You'll have a right to be present and give your side of it.
But in the meantime, all of your pension and medical benefits will be withheld pending the hearing.
You, of course, are suspended temporarily according to all the provisions and stipulations of Working Rule Eight.
Working Rule Eight? I never I'm sorry.
Dr.
Tony Bates wanted in CCU, stat.
Dr.
Bates, CCU, stat.
Who were those guys? They're from the union.
Oh, hey, I wanted to tell you, you shouldn't file for your medical.
I got a pretty good idea that the truck you were driving was not a union run.
Forty years I been in that union and they just threw me out.
No, no, it's got to be another number.
It's in Cripple Creek, Arkansas.
That's the same number I have, operator.
I've been calling that for two hours.
All I get is a recording.
They keep giving me the same recipe.
I want the packaging plant or the executive offices.
Nurse Conti, report to x-ray.
Thanks.
Thanks anyway.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Dad, do you know what time it is, huh? Time for the Hundred Thousand Dollar Question.
Hey, maybe that plumber from Tarzana made it to the next plateau, huh? Now, come on.
Let's see how many of the answers you know.
States of the Union.
You ought to know all of them, you've been through enough of them on long hauls.
Turn it down, sonny.
Only if you talk to me.
I'm getting tired of the monologue.
You know, I'm running out of fresh material.
Okay? Okay.
Come on, Dad, I'm going to find that plant and I'm gonna make that sausage company pay for the medical, or I'm gonna throw them to the union.
Thanks, sonny.
Look, if I can find out where the sausages are made, maybe I can figure out who the guys in the cars were.
If I can prove that they were across the road, I can square you with the DMV and get your ticket right back.
It don't do no good to have your ticket unless you can drive for the union, sonny.
I know that, but what about the I'll be right back.
You know what them union guys is saying about me? They said I wasn't familiar with Working Rule Eight.
Oh, dear.
'56 You remember '56? Yeah, I remember.
I was on the I remember.
I was on the strike committee then.
Right.
Me and 15 other guys, we helped write Working Rule Eight.
I still remember.
"If any member will be participating in or attempting to "stage any long or short hauls in any city, state" Wait Hold it, Dad.
Hang on just a minute.
Hickory-smoked sausages put up in special sheds in Cripple Creek, Arkansas, and they're smoked to just the right flavor.
Now when I get up in the morning, I hear old Uncle Willie's skillet crackling in there, I know he's cooking up some of this good Cripple Creek Country sausage or bacon.
Boy, it gets my mouth to watering and starts my day off right.
Now remember, when you're in the market for Charlie Strayhorn's Cripple Creek Country Sausage or breakfast meat, then you're going to rustle up your own good old country morning breakfast.
Now, so far he's the only guy in this whole deal that I'm sure exists.
I'm gonna find him.
I wouldn't put 20 cents on Uncle Willie.
That guy could be anyplace.
Oh, most of these guys park their chuck wagons in Bel Air, Rocky.
I'll find him.
If he's not in town, I'll hunt him down wherever he is.
Thanks, sonny.
Hey, don't you worry.
I'm going to get some action 'cause I happen to be getting mad.
We still have unrealized income of two and a half million which is currently balancing on the tip of a pin.
If the Fed disallows the terms of that Amco record deal and say we can't income average and dump that dough out into the next 10-year period, Chuck's gonna have to take it all as straight income this year.
And, fellas, we're gonna be standing out on the salt flats with a tin cup.
And I haven't even touched on tax penalty interest rates and a whole symphony of related problems.
Well, fellas, it looks like we can't stand to see one more penny income.
And, Carrie, you and Charlie should inventory that house this afternoon as soon as possible.
Okay, Chas? Hmm? How about it, buddy? You could do it this afternoon.
It's got to be accomplished before she files for divorce 'cause you're gonna be on the road and then you're going back to Germany and Norman, can we get these fellas to stop hammering and sawing around here? Ain't gonna need this wing anymore anyway.
Look, buddy, I know it's a drag, but you know, let's face it.
They've already knocked the wall down on the east wing for the addition and I think it's safe to say we're gonna put this place on the market.
Let's finish it.
It'll bring in a good price and we're gonna need that cash on hand.
Yeah, I guess that's about what this place adds up to, cash on hand.
Well, then, you want to get started, hmm? Hey, what about the album? I talked to Dave over at Amco and he says they wanna postpone till May.
Is that right? That's my department, Chucker.
We're holding it back because A, we're saturated 'cause Charlie Strayhorn Live is still selling like crazy.
And B, the company wants to save the Red River album for the next quarter.
And frankly, with what Hill just told us about income management, it's probably just as well.
Well, it ain't all right with me.
All I want to do is record them songs and sing for folks.
Now, Hill here says I'm making too much money.
I can't pay my taxes because of this divorce.
I can't get these workmen out of here, I got to listen to hammers and saws and road graders all day long.
I ain't wrote a song in two weeks.
Now they want to postpone Red River.
The only thing that's worked out right in the last six months is the damn sausages.
Charlie, we're just a little tax rich and cash poor, which happens when somebody gets too hot too fast.
Norm hasn't had a chance to work out a tax shelter, so we're gonna get rained on a little.
But we're gonna come out of it.
Charlie.
Yeah, Shorty.
Fella at the door wants to see you.
Name's Rockford.
I ain't got time right now, Shorty.
Find out what he wants and turn him onto the right guy to handle it, will you? He wants to talk to you about the sausages.
Shall I put him on to Clement? Wait a minute.
About the sausages? Yeah.
Well, okay.
Wait a minute.
I tell you, you all keep battling this steer, I'll find out what this guy wants.
Thank you, Shorty.
Doesn't seem like we're leaving him much, does it? You're the one who hired Laurence of Beverly Hills to run a pole through him.
You want to tell that guy to back down? You won't get an argument from us, dear.
Howdy.
I'm Charlie Strayhorn.
You wanted to see me? I got a complaint about your sausages.
I don't get many.
Get ready for a lulu.
Okay, shoot.
How come your sausages, which are supposed to be made in Cripple Creek, Arkansas, are actually being made in Sonoma, Mexico? And how come the non-union trucks that are smuggling them up here are being wrecked and burned? Are you some kind of escapee, mister? My father agreed to drive one of your truckloads of sausages up from San Diego.
The plant that made them was in Mexico.
He ended up wrecking his truck, ended up in a hospital, losing his license, his medical plan Them sausages is made in Cripple Creek, Arkansas.
Now, it's a little town in the I know where it is, do you? Have you ever been there? Well, no, I haven't been there.
I made the deal before I went to Tokyo.
I've been touring for six months.
Which means you don't know anymore about it than I do.
I know them sausages ain't being made in Mexico.
Come on, man, they're FDA approved.
They ain't got no import stamps.
Non-union trucks Why would my meats be going non-union? Those trucks have got to go into supermarkets and supermarkets ain't gonna unload no kind of non-union trucks.
I don't know how it's happening, but it is.
Boy, you say your daddy told you this? Yeah.
I also got it from another driver who's been to the plant in Mexico once, seen the whole operation.
He's also made six trips up from San Diego.
I don't believe him either.
Charlie, excuse me.
Norm wants to know if we can get started on the inventory.
No, I can't do no inventory.
I got trouble with the sausage company.
I got to deal with it myself.
Where are you going? I just got to get out of here.
These people are eating me up.
I thought we had some sausage business we were going to take care of.
I don't know what your game is, mister, but I got some sharpshooter coming at me about every 10 seconds, and I got troubles of my own.
Well, the biggest trouble you got is standing right here on this sidewalk.
Now, either you listen to what I'm telling you or you're going to go home across your saddle.
Oh, boy, that does it.
I don't All righty.
Charlie, what Charlie, what are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Carrie, get away from here! Stop it, Charlie! Quit! No! Look at you, Charlie.
You just had to go and hit somebody, didn't you? No, just him.
Hey, Charlie, come on, we got some work to do.
Oh, damn it! You wait a minute.
Just wait a minute, Charlie.
We're not through with our business.
Okay.
Charlie, you tell me what's going on.
I'll tell you.
The cowboy just started swinging at me.
Boy, I tell you, that felt good.
You got yourself a pretty good left hand there, partner.
Ah, big deal.
Honey, I want you to meet What'd you say your name was? Jim Rockford.
Well, Jim, I want you to meet my wife.
Well, she's not my Well, pretty soon she's not going to be my wife.
It's nice to meet you.
You'll have to excuse him.
Now, look, this is all really swell, but my dad's still where he was three minutes ago, and your sausages are still being made in Mexico, ace.
I tell you one thing, them guys with their tax losses and their inventories are driving me nuts.
I somehow feel that we've gotten off the subject.
Now, how do I get you locked in on one beam, huh? Well, you tell me where I'm going to go, then I'll take us there.
What are you doing? Where are you taking me? Gun it! Hey, that's him.
They're snatching him.
That's Roland Eddy.
Go on, Charlie, get in the truck.
Come on, come on.
Come on, start it, Charlie.
Come on.
Son-of-a-gun.
There he is.
There he is.
There he is.
Oh, my gosh.
You're gorgeous! Charlie! Okay, thank you, gentlemen, for the report.
We'll file it and let you know.
All right, thank you very much, officer.
Oh, folks, we just don't have time.
I've got to be getting along.
Thank you very much for asking.
Just a chorus, Charlie, please.
Thank you, honey.
Please, Charlie.
Oh, honey, just be a friend just this once, okay? I love you.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Charlie.
We love you.
Yeah, it looks like they got him.
Cops were here, anyway.
We should've picked him up ourselves.
Gone with my instincts.
Rolling that rig should've done it, but nobody knew that Eddy wasn't in it.
We got to find that factory.
Hit them there.
Yeah, okay, Clark, we'll get on it.
Then they must have set fire to Roland's truck.
And when I woke up, I was here, the police was here.
They took away my license, the union said I'm driving illegal, and they canceled me out cold.
Well, that's it, Charlie.
He tried to bring your stuff up from San Diego, he ends up with a towel wrapped around his head.
It's your move.
Oh, now, sonny, it seems to me that Mr.
Strayhorn, he's done enough just coming over here.
I'm telling you, I feel a lot better just with you in the room.
Don't take the pressure off, Rocky.
I buy all your cassettes, you know that? I play them on the long hauls when the radio won't come in.
I'm telling you, sonny, Mr.
Strayhorn here, he'd never do nothing illegal.
I can tell.
Yeah, well, somebody is.
All I can tell you, Mr.
Rockford, is that I'm real sorry about what's happened to you and I intend to get to the bottom of it.
At least that's something, hey, Rocky? Now, the first thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna call Clement, get his butt over here and find out why my links is coming up from San Diego.
And second, I'm gonna come back here in person and tell you what happened and why.
Who's Clement? Clement's the one who got me in this deal in the first place.
He's in charge of it.
He also has all the answers, and I'm sure those answers don't have nothing to do with no packing plant down in Mexico.
Real nice to meet you, Mr.
Rockford.
I'll be taking care of your hospital bills either way.
We can handle that.
I said I'm gonna take care of them.
The man says I need tax write-offs anyway.
Come on.
See you in the hall, Jim.
So long.
By golly, you done it, sonny.
You got Charlie Strayhorn and you brought him here to this room.
I've never been so excited.
Yeah, the problem is, I kind of like him.
He's a real one.
I like him, too.
Yeah.
I guess he's okay.
He wasn't doing too much, so I had to twist his arm a little.
I love you, sonny.
Physical therapist, report to room 420.
I'll see you.
Hey, Charlie.
Charlie, thanks a lot.
You really picked up his spirits.
It's a lot more than I could do.
Well, my old man split when I was 16.
Left me and my kid brother in Okmulgee, Oklahoma.
Yeah.
We stole and slept under porches.
Never did go to school.
I like your daddy.
Seems to me he did a real good job with you.
He worked, worried about you when you were sick, now you're doing it for him.
I like that.
Hey, me and Carrie's got a boy.
Yeah? Yeah.
He lives in Oklahoma City while we get this thing straightened out.
He's with her parents.
One of my hopes was he'd never have to sleep under no porch.
The way we got it fixed, I guess Chet will be sleeping on airplanes.
Ain't that right, honey? I'm sorry, Carrie.
He's right, you know.
But then, he's Charlie Strayhorn.
Things just got going too fast and now there's no way to stop them.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Can't we just call the rest of this stuff miscellaneous and just guess at a figure, huh? Seems kind of funny, you know.
All this stuff, as you call it.
Some of it ain't got no price I can think of.
Charlie, what I meant was Oh, honey, I know what you meant.
It's just Well, like this Mexican saddle we got down here on the list, remember that's the one we used to put on Dappler? Huh? What do you figure that old saddle's worth? I broke an arm winning it.
You was judging pies, thought I was crude.
Called me a rough rider.
I had to give you the saddle to get a date with you.
What do you figure that old saddle's worth? Twenty dollars? What're you trying to do, Charlie? Open up old wounds and get them bleeding? Ah, it's just all these fellas around here with scarves and loafers.
How in the hell did they ever get hitched up on our wagon anyway? I suppose you want to figure out the taxes and book the tours and make the record deals No.
I liked that old man today.
Jim, too.
How come we don't have no friends like that no more? Used to be we did.
Where the hell did they all go? You don't want them, Charlie.
Not really.
You want to prove who you are and grow all your roots in 18 months.
And that just doesn't leave any time.
It was nice, you worrying about Chet this afternoon.
But you can worry all you want.
It's not going to make your being in Tokyo any easier for a little kid to understand.
Okay, let's make that saddle worth $20.
Let's make it worth $20.
There you go, Jake.
Yeah? What'd you say? I beg your pardon? What'd you call me? I didn't call you anything.
I don't take that from anybody.
Come on, pal.
That's the weirdest thing I ever saw.
What'd you call him, Jim? I didn't call him anything.
Hey, Jake, we don't need any cops, do we? No, go on and get out of here.
I'll steer him the other way.
Thanks, Jake.
Them doggies are gone Hey, Jim.
Hey, Jim-boy.
Come out of there.
I know you're in there.
Whoo, Jim-boy.
All right.
All right.
Oh, boy, a drunken cowboy.
What a treat.
How you doing, pard? Hey, Charlie, don't shout at me, will you? I ran into a little trouble earlier.
The inside of my head revolves when you shout at me, okay? Did I do that to you? No.
It happened later.
Hey, hey, hey, Rockford.
You know what? I got the lowdown on how them links is coming up from San Diego.
Oh, Charlie, Charlie, would you keep it down? You know why? Because Clement said they were having trouble getting a direct railroad from Cripple Creek, so what they did was they got three railcars from the UP Lines straight into Dallas and then ran them right on up to San Diego and trucked them right on up here.
How does that explain the fact they were non-union trucks? Oh, Clement says that guy Eddy probably just didn't register with the union.
It's just one bad apple in it, that's all, son.
Will you knock it off, Charlie? Now, I'm not gonna ask you again, okay? What are you gonna do, throw me out? Huh? Come on.
When I drink, I'm tougher than a boll weevil in a sugar jar.
Come on.
Yeah, well, I eat boll weevils for breakfast.
That is, when I'm not eating Mexican sausages.
Oh, Jim, they ain't Mexican sausages.
Come on, man.
I came over here to have a party with you.
Won't you lighten up on me, son? Oh, why don't you just give them a call in Cripple Creek? They answer the phone with a recording.
I think it's time you went down there and had a little It's there! Why don't you just take it from Yeah, who? Clement? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
He's got more lines than the telephone company.
Okay.
I'll tell you what.
I got an airplane over at Van Nuys and since you are so all fired up to go down to Cripple Creek, let's go.
You're drunk.
That's it, boy.
The old Bel Air cowboy coming at you in a plastic cup.
Come on, Jim.
Give them a hoot.
Not with this head.
All right.
Not too bad, huh, partner? Bought this from Charlie Pride.
Before that, it belonged to Elvis.
Pretty good, though.
Got a TV and a videotape, got a mixing panel and a bar and a full kitchen.
Pretty good, though, ain't it? What do you think? I don't think you want to hear it, Charlie.
I do, too.
Come on, Jim, talk to me.
I think somebody ought to wave you off the track before you hit the wall.
Yeah? Well, when you're right, you're right.
I been thinking about taking some time off.
Maybe spending it with Chet or getting Carrie to try to understand some.
I got this German tour coming up.
Hill says I got to put some of that dough in a Swiss bank and I can beat the Feds out of their share.
In fact, I got to do that, 'cause Carrie's gonna wipe me out.
She don't want it that way, but I don't want it this way.
But we're doing it anyway.
There might be a lyric in there somewhere.
Maybe I better write a little music.
You gonna be all right here? Oh, yeah.
I'll be fine.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
I can sure write good up here.
Nobody pulling me into no limos or meetings or talking into my ear about schedules and itineraries, people I got to talk to.
Just them old engines droning out there.
This bird chasing the sun, running from it, don't matter which, it's all the same.
Don't let me bother you now.
Started out with the dreams And the plans of a wise man And ended up with the heartaches of a fool As a boy, I would walk through the valley And gaze at the world all around Made a vow that somehow I would find fame and fortune Well, I found it But look at me now Boy, it sure takes your breath away, doesn't it? Of course, you can look on the bright side of it.
You got your smoking shed all set up there.
All you need is the 50,000 square feet of factory.
Knock it off, Rockford.
Well, come on.
Let's go see if we can find the plant manager.
This can't be the place.
That guy had to be mistaken in town.
From the looks of it, you ought to start branching out, Charlie.
"Fillet the sausage and pack American cheese in the center, "double over and wrap in Charlie Strayhorn Hickory Smoked, "uncooked bacon, then throw in the skillet "and cook till brown.
" Mmm-mmm.
What is this place? It's a mail drop, Charlie, and your factory is right where I said it was.
In the middle of Mexico.
Clement slipped you a rusty musket, partner.
About had enough? Yeah.
Well, shall we take a look at the smoking shed, Charlie? He's dead.
Why? Why would anybody want to kill The guy who tried to kick my head in last night was Chinese, now this guy.
I wonder how all that adds up and why.
You got something, Charlie? What is it? Clement.
What about him? His name is Clement Chen.
He's Chinese.
Oh, I love it.
I just love it.
Well, I'll give you an escort out to the airfield, Charlie.
Red lights and a siren.
Well, there's no point in that.
I'd hate to scare these cattle and everything, you know.
Yeah, well, we want to thank you, Sheriff.
Oh, thank you.
When we get back to L.
A.
, you set up the meeting with Chen and I'll handle it.
But once we get there, it's my party.
Look, Charlie, I know you're angry.
Hey, babe, why not? Right? I mean, okay, so I smoked a fastball past you.
Look, hey, come on.
It's a slot machine and it's just starting to pay off.
This sucker is a gold mine.
If we were producing in the U.
S.
with all the union restrictions, it would cost us Now, in Mexico, with everything exactly the same, we get them in L.
A.
, F.
O.
B.
my food distributing company for 13 cents a unit.
Now, you built a plant down in Mexico.
You get Charlie to front it for you, and then you probably got one FDA inspector all scared or jammed up or whatever, but he's stamping it down in Mexico for you.
Then you smuggle them up here.
And your distribution is probably this year's biggest hit musical.
Hey, what's wrong with that? It's illegal.
What's your story, mister? Did you just drift down in a white balloon? So it's illegal.
So who's getting hurt? Well, let's start with your man Loo in Cripple Creek.
He's getting bundled off to Boot Hill in a $20 pine box and then there's Roland Eddy.
He probably just had one drink too many and fell into the fourth dimension.
I've had a lot of pressure on me lately.
Everything will work out fine, Charlie.
You just have to stick it out for a while.
If you want out later, I'll take you out at a profit.
And you're wrong about Mr.
Roland Eddy.
He isn't dead.
I'm a businessman, not a murderer.
You're a real slug, you know that, Clement? Huh? Thank you, gentlemen, that'll be fine.
Business associates? What are you, Clement? Chinese Mafia? Isn't that what they call it? Mafia? I'm a member of the Triad.
It's a very old Chinese business affiliation.
Yeah, well, you ought to talk to the police gang squad.
You know, they call it an underworld crime syndicate.
Well, I suppose that brings our business discussion to a close.
Yeah.
Excuse me a minute.
I'll be right back.
Charlie, I wouldn't.
I tried it once, my head's still throbbing.
Do you think the word got out that they're serving Mexican egg rolls? Well, something sure cleared it out in a hurry.
Telephone, Mr.
Strayhorn.
Yeah? Charlie, I'm calling you from my car.
Listen, buddy, you might want to get out of there yourself.
Yeah? Why? There's some men about to hit the place.
They might be a little out of sorts.
Thanks a lot, Clement.
We're on our way out now.
Charlie, I got an idea.
He said something about a food distribution company.
Go get the pickup, all right? What's wrong? Why are we stopping? Oh, no, Davey.
Not you.
I got to.
No other choice.
Pick up the phone and dial 555-6787.
Then hand it back.
I'll kill you for this.
They got my sister and mother, Clement.
I got to do what they say.
Now dial.
How do you like that? Your Cripple Creek Sausages are being distributed by a Chinese noodle company.
That ought to knock the old down-home country image right in the head.
Uh-huh.
Somebody in there has to know where that factory is.
I think we ought to go in there and bust some buns and find out where.
Let's call the police and let them do it.
Get down! Okay, you got a clean gripe coming, I'll copy to that, but we couldn't use union trucks.
We would've been in trouble all the way up and down the line.
Get serious, man.
We're smugglers.
I told you on the phone how it was two months ago.
You cut me in or we put you out of business.
I offered a fair deal.
So what do you do, huh? You get a couple of riceballs to throw a bomb in my front window.
You think I'm gonna sit around and wait for you to ice me and my family? They did that without asking.
They were just a couple of punks.
Oh, shut up.
So what are you going to do now? I'm gonna kill you.
That's what I'm gonna do.
You're gonna kill me over that? Just because of that? I'm gonna kill you because I know you, mister.
If I let you go, you'd kill me.
It's got nothing to do with sausages or the ITTW.
It has to do with who ends up alive and who ends up dead.
Okay, Mike, go in there and collect Roland Eddy.
Take Mel with you and make it fast.
I don't like it.
Charlie.
Charlie.
I bought these for hunting.
Hey, Charlie, come on.
You can't be serious.
I tell you something, I ain't felt better about nothing in five years.
Just cool it.
Hold it a minute.
All right.
Now, I'm against it, but you get in the truck bed.
I'm gonna pull up and block the driveway.
Okay.
Charlie, hold it.
Yahoo! Man, I can't believe it.
Here we are, actually at Charlie's house.
You don't suppose we should have phoned him first or something? Oh, I guess, maybe, but he's not all that formal a guy, Rocky.
He yells things like "yahoo.
" Wait till I tell him I got my driver's license back.
I'll wait.
And wait till I tell him the union reinstated me 'cause they found out the real crook was the president of the union and not me.
Wait till I tell him that.
I'll wait, Dad.
Well, hey, yahoo! Hello there.
Anybody home? Hi.
Oh, we're the Rockford family and we come calling on Mr.
Strayhorn.
Well, he ain't here.
Where is he? Well, after he got back from Sonoma and finished closing out that sausage business, he sort of lost interest.
So I suggested he go up to the ranch and do a little fishing.
He called me yesterday, said he was leaving.
Didn't know when he'd be back.
If ever.
I baked this here cake for him and I got the best news I wanted to tell him.
You're Joseph, ain't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Well, I got something for you, too.
What do you expect he's got for us? I don't know.
What's that for? That's the rig we used to use on old Dappler.
That's the horse that Charlie rodeod on, and this is for you, too.
"Charlie Strayhorn, Heartaches of a Fool.
"For Rocky who helped set me free.
" He He got my name right smack on that record.
"Most of what I have ain't worth giving, "but there was this $20 saddle.
"Thanks, Jim.
Love, Charlie.
" Right on the record, eh? Mmm-hmm.
All right! Started out with the dreams And the plans of a wise man And ended up with the heartaches of a fool As a boy, I would walk through the valley And gaze at the world all around Made a vow that somehow I would find fame and fortune Well, I found it But look at me now I had a sweetheart who would love me forever Didn't need her I would reign all alone Now look at me I'm the king Of a cold lonely castle The queen of my heart is gone So gather round me, you fools, for a dollar Listen to me, a lesson you'll learn Well, there's happiness and love Sent from heaven above And the fires of ambition will burn Started out with the dreams And the plans of a wise man And ended up with the heartaches of a fool
But my dad's still where he was three minutes ago, and your sausages are still being made in Mexico.
You got Charlie Strayhorn and you brought him here to this room.
He wasn't doing too much, so I had to twist his arm a little.
Stop it, Charlie! He's Chinese.
Oh, I love it.
I just love it.
Yahoo! ROCKFORD This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone, leave your name and message.
I'll get back to you.
Say, I'm the one who hit your car at Ford City.
I got no insurance, I'm broke, but I really wanted you to know how sorry I am.
If it makes you feel any better, I hurt my arm.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Global Pavilion is proud to present its favorite star, Charlie Strayhorn.
Well, a long time forgotten Are dreams that just fell by the way And the good life he promised ain't what she's living today But she never complains of the bad times Or the bad things he's done, Lord She just talks about the good times they've had and all the good times to come She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man And she loves him in spite of his ways that she don't understand Through teardrops and laughter They're gonna pass through this world hand in hand, Lord This good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man He likes the nightlife, the bright lights and his good-timing friends And when the party's all over, she'll welcome him back home again Lord knows she don't understand him But she does the best that she can This good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man And she loves him in spite of his ways that she don't understand Through teardrops and laughter They're gonna pass through this world hand in hand, Lord This good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man You didn't get a plate on either of the vehicles, sir? Well, how was I going to get a plate, officer? License's still current and all that? Well, it sure is.
Is that it in your pants pocket, Mr.
Rockford? Yeah, right there.
Would you take it out for me, please? Sixty-eight? Little old for the big rigs, aren't you, sir? Hey, Dad, you okay? Now, wait.
Just a minute, just a minute.
What does that mean? Excuse me.
Are you related to Mr.
Rockford? All my life.
He's my dad.
Well, we're still investigating this, sir.
Your log says you were pulling hot dogs for a combined weight of 23,000 pounds.
We have a county white hat going out there in the morning to check everything out, but meanwhile, I think I'll just hang onto this.
I'll clip it right here to my board so you'll know right where it is, sir.
Are you lifting my license? Well, sir, in a large accident like this, it's customary to have a review.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
Sonny.
It's okay, Dad.
No, no, he's got my license there.
Dad, it's okay.
Just a minute.
Put out a code seven at Sis and Al's.
Officer? I haven't eaten yet.
Would you excuse me just a minute? You're lucky he wasn't hurt a lot worse than he was.
They're gonna keep him here for a while for evaluation, I guess.
Yeah, well, it's about his license.
Let me interrupt you right there, Mr.
Rockford.
Now, I was trying to be nice in there, but, come on.
Sixty-eight, driving an eighteen-wheeler way too fast He left enough rubber out there to get a reclamation contract.
I'm not the last word on these things, but my guess is the DMV is gonna ice your dad's ticket.
May I? If my father says there were two blue sedans, there were two blue sedans.
That's an old story, sir.
Every time one of these guys cartwheels one of those monsters, it's always another car coming down the wrong side of the road or some crazy thing like that.
Fact is, I think your dad maybe was sleeping up there, drove off the road and had himself one of the biggest weenie roasts in history.
I hope he's feeling better.
Good night.
Dr.
Philips, go to the emergency entrance.
Dr.
Judd Philips.
Well? Well Listen I You know, I was worried about you.
I really was.
I talked to the nurse, she said you're gonna be okay.
Forty-five years I been pushing and trucking.
They're gonna pull my ticket.
No they're not.
Not really.
It wasn't even my truck.
What am I gonna tell Roland Eddy? Well, I'll tell him for you, Dad.
It's okay.
I'm telling you something, sonny, they pull my ticket, it ain't never gonna be the same for me.
You only use it now and then, and then it's only when you're backing up a friend.
I mean, what's the difference? That ain't the point.
It's just knowing I got that ticket here in my wallet that It gives me a reason for being.
Now, you can understand that, can't you? Yeah, I can understand it, Dad.
Them chappies was already here.
Signed off the report.
Seeing as how it was my truck he totaled.
Yeah, well, my dad really feels terrible about the accident, Mr.
Eddy.
He said you'd been sick.
That's why he was driving for you.
Yeah, I been feeling a little mussed.
Just can't seem to shake it.
He seems to think it was an attempted hijacking.
Look, you tell him I ain't squawking about the truck.
Just forget about the truck.
The less said about that the better.
Did you read the police report? Yeah.
Well, if my dad said he was forced off the road, then he was forced off the road.
He wants me to look into it.
Try to prove it.
Come on.
He what? You heard me.
You his son, huh? Yeah.
Let me see something proving that.
What the hell's the matter with old Joe? Didn't he tell you about Slim and the meeting at the Fifty-One Diner near Diego? The what? Didn't he tell you about ducking them truck scales and not using Highway l-Five? What are you talking about? Smuggle, man.
It was a smuggle.
Them links was made down in Mexico.
We been running them up here for about two weeks now.
Six trucks.
I made six trips myself.
Usually to San Diego.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me that you told my father he was smuggling and he agreed to it? I don't believe that.
Well, maybe I didn't use the word "smuggling," but come on, man, I told him to take the truck down to San Diego, give it to Slim, Slim would load it and give it back to him.
I told him to stay away from the truck scales and not get near no four-lane highways.
Now was he born in church? Don't he know what that means? Slim who? Don't know his last name, just Slim.
Then there were two sedans.
Who was in them? How do I know? Could be some overeager food and drug feds, maybe some freelancers.
It might be some enemies of the guys who set this up.
I tell you one thing, I'm glad they wrecked my truck, though.
I'm damn glad of that 'cause I'm going to collect on the insurance.
I'm going to move up to Washington 'cause L.
A.
ain't my town no more.
Let me ask you something.
When you deliver, where do you take them? They usually give me a spot.
Supermarket parking lot.
I get out, leave the keys on the front tire, come back in the morning, box is empty.
You probably forgot to mention that to Rocky, too, huh? Look, the only reason I'm telling you this is so you keep that old man of yours quiet.
Now if he stays quiet, all them buzzards is gonna fly right on past.
But if he opens up to the cops or anybody like that, then they're gonna pack him up and plant him in the garden.
Well, you haven't said who "they" were.
I don't know who they are.
I just answer the telephone.
They send my money in the mail.
It's green and it's cash.
Now, the only thing I know, Mr.
Rockford, is what I read on them packages.
You want to see it? That's it.
I don't believe it.
Of course, all this will be brought up before the union management.
You'll have a right to be present and give your side of it.
But in the meantime, all of your pension and medical benefits will be withheld pending the hearing.
You, of course, are suspended temporarily according to all the provisions and stipulations of Working Rule Eight.
Working Rule Eight? I never I'm sorry.
Dr.
Tony Bates wanted in CCU, stat.
Dr.
Bates, CCU, stat.
Who were those guys? They're from the union.
Oh, hey, I wanted to tell you, you shouldn't file for your medical.
I got a pretty good idea that the truck you were driving was not a union run.
Forty years I been in that union and they just threw me out.
No, no, it's got to be another number.
It's in Cripple Creek, Arkansas.
That's the same number I have, operator.
I've been calling that for two hours.
All I get is a recording.
They keep giving me the same recipe.
I want the packaging plant or the executive offices.
Nurse Conti, report to x-ray.
Thanks.
Thanks anyway.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Dad, do you know what time it is, huh? Time for the Hundred Thousand Dollar Question.
Hey, maybe that plumber from Tarzana made it to the next plateau, huh? Now, come on.
Let's see how many of the answers you know.
States of the Union.
You ought to know all of them, you've been through enough of them on long hauls.
Turn it down, sonny.
Only if you talk to me.
I'm getting tired of the monologue.
You know, I'm running out of fresh material.
Okay? Okay.
Come on, Dad, I'm going to find that plant and I'm gonna make that sausage company pay for the medical, or I'm gonna throw them to the union.
Thanks, sonny.
Look, if I can find out where the sausages are made, maybe I can figure out who the guys in the cars were.
If I can prove that they were across the road, I can square you with the DMV and get your ticket right back.
It don't do no good to have your ticket unless you can drive for the union, sonny.
I know that, but what about the I'll be right back.
You know what them union guys is saying about me? They said I wasn't familiar with Working Rule Eight.
Oh, dear.
'56 You remember '56? Yeah, I remember.
I was on the I remember.
I was on the strike committee then.
Right.
Me and 15 other guys, we helped write Working Rule Eight.
I still remember.
"If any member will be participating in or attempting to "stage any long or short hauls in any city, state" Wait Hold it, Dad.
Hang on just a minute.
Hickory-smoked sausages put up in special sheds in Cripple Creek, Arkansas, and they're smoked to just the right flavor.
Now when I get up in the morning, I hear old Uncle Willie's skillet crackling in there, I know he's cooking up some of this good Cripple Creek Country sausage or bacon.
Boy, it gets my mouth to watering and starts my day off right.
Now remember, when you're in the market for Charlie Strayhorn's Cripple Creek Country Sausage or breakfast meat, then you're going to rustle up your own good old country morning breakfast.
Now, so far he's the only guy in this whole deal that I'm sure exists.
I'm gonna find him.
I wouldn't put 20 cents on Uncle Willie.
That guy could be anyplace.
Oh, most of these guys park their chuck wagons in Bel Air, Rocky.
I'll find him.
If he's not in town, I'll hunt him down wherever he is.
Thanks, sonny.
Hey, don't you worry.
I'm going to get some action 'cause I happen to be getting mad.
We still have unrealized income of two and a half million which is currently balancing on the tip of a pin.
If the Fed disallows the terms of that Amco record deal and say we can't income average and dump that dough out into the next 10-year period, Chuck's gonna have to take it all as straight income this year.
And, fellas, we're gonna be standing out on the salt flats with a tin cup.
And I haven't even touched on tax penalty interest rates and a whole symphony of related problems.
Well, fellas, it looks like we can't stand to see one more penny income.
And, Carrie, you and Charlie should inventory that house this afternoon as soon as possible.
Okay, Chas? Hmm? How about it, buddy? You could do it this afternoon.
It's got to be accomplished before she files for divorce 'cause you're gonna be on the road and then you're going back to Germany and Norman, can we get these fellas to stop hammering and sawing around here? Ain't gonna need this wing anymore anyway.
Look, buddy, I know it's a drag, but you know, let's face it.
They've already knocked the wall down on the east wing for the addition and I think it's safe to say we're gonna put this place on the market.
Let's finish it.
It'll bring in a good price and we're gonna need that cash on hand.
Yeah, I guess that's about what this place adds up to, cash on hand.
Well, then, you want to get started, hmm? Hey, what about the album? I talked to Dave over at Amco and he says they wanna postpone till May.
Is that right? That's my department, Chucker.
We're holding it back because A, we're saturated 'cause Charlie Strayhorn Live is still selling like crazy.
And B, the company wants to save the Red River album for the next quarter.
And frankly, with what Hill just told us about income management, it's probably just as well.
Well, it ain't all right with me.
All I want to do is record them songs and sing for folks.
Now, Hill here says I'm making too much money.
I can't pay my taxes because of this divorce.
I can't get these workmen out of here, I got to listen to hammers and saws and road graders all day long.
I ain't wrote a song in two weeks.
Now they want to postpone Red River.
The only thing that's worked out right in the last six months is the damn sausages.
Charlie, we're just a little tax rich and cash poor, which happens when somebody gets too hot too fast.
Norm hasn't had a chance to work out a tax shelter, so we're gonna get rained on a little.
But we're gonna come out of it.
Charlie.
Yeah, Shorty.
Fella at the door wants to see you.
Name's Rockford.
I ain't got time right now, Shorty.
Find out what he wants and turn him onto the right guy to handle it, will you? He wants to talk to you about the sausages.
Shall I put him on to Clement? Wait a minute.
About the sausages? Yeah.
Well, okay.
Wait a minute.
I tell you, you all keep battling this steer, I'll find out what this guy wants.
Thank you, Shorty.
Doesn't seem like we're leaving him much, does it? You're the one who hired Laurence of Beverly Hills to run a pole through him.
You want to tell that guy to back down? You won't get an argument from us, dear.
Howdy.
I'm Charlie Strayhorn.
You wanted to see me? I got a complaint about your sausages.
I don't get many.
Get ready for a lulu.
Okay, shoot.
How come your sausages, which are supposed to be made in Cripple Creek, Arkansas, are actually being made in Sonoma, Mexico? And how come the non-union trucks that are smuggling them up here are being wrecked and burned? Are you some kind of escapee, mister? My father agreed to drive one of your truckloads of sausages up from San Diego.
The plant that made them was in Mexico.
He ended up wrecking his truck, ended up in a hospital, losing his license, his medical plan Them sausages is made in Cripple Creek, Arkansas.
Now, it's a little town in the I know where it is, do you? Have you ever been there? Well, no, I haven't been there.
I made the deal before I went to Tokyo.
I've been touring for six months.
Which means you don't know anymore about it than I do.
I know them sausages ain't being made in Mexico.
Come on, man, they're FDA approved.
They ain't got no import stamps.
Non-union trucks Why would my meats be going non-union? Those trucks have got to go into supermarkets and supermarkets ain't gonna unload no kind of non-union trucks.
I don't know how it's happening, but it is.
Boy, you say your daddy told you this? Yeah.
I also got it from another driver who's been to the plant in Mexico once, seen the whole operation.
He's also made six trips up from San Diego.
I don't believe him either.
Charlie, excuse me.
Norm wants to know if we can get started on the inventory.
No, I can't do no inventory.
I got trouble with the sausage company.
I got to deal with it myself.
Where are you going? I just got to get out of here.
These people are eating me up.
I thought we had some sausage business we were going to take care of.
I don't know what your game is, mister, but I got some sharpshooter coming at me about every 10 seconds, and I got troubles of my own.
Well, the biggest trouble you got is standing right here on this sidewalk.
Now, either you listen to what I'm telling you or you're going to go home across your saddle.
Oh, boy, that does it.
I don't All righty.
Charlie, what Charlie, what are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Carrie, get away from here! Stop it, Charlie! Quit! No! Look at you, Charlie.
You just had to go and hit somebody, didn't you? No, just him.
Hey, Charlie, come on, we got some work to do.
Oh, damn it! You wait a minute.
Just wait a minute, Charlie.
We're not through with our business.
Okay.
Charlie, you tell me what's going on.
I'll tell you.
The cowboy just started swinging at me.
Boy, I tell you, that felt good.
You got yourself a pretty good left hand there, partner.
Ah, big deal.
Honey, I want you to meet What'd you say your name was? Jim Rockford.
Well, Jim, I want you to meet my wife.
Well, she's not my Well, pretty soon she's not going to be my wife.
It's nice to meet you.
You'll have to excuse him.
Now, look, this is all really swell, but my dad's still where he was three minutes ago, and your sausages are still being made in Mexico, ace.
I tell you one thing, them guys with their tax losses and their inventories are driving me nuts.
I somehow feel that we've gotten off the subject.
Now, how do I get you locked in on one beam, huh? Well, you tell me where I'm going to go, then I'll take us there.
What are you doing? Where are you taking me? Gun it! Hey, that's him.
They're snatching him.
That's Roland Eddy.
Go on, Charlie, get in the truck.
Come on, come on.
Come on, start it, Charlie.
Come on.
Son-of-a-gun.
There he is.
There he is.
There he is.
Oh, my gosh.
You're gorgeous! Charlie! Okay, thank you, gentlemen, for the report.
We'll file it and let you know.
All right, thank you very much, officer.
Oh, folks, we just don't have time.
I've got to be getting along.
Thank you very much for asking.
Just a chorus, Charlie, please.
Thank you, honey.
Please, Charlie.
Oh, honey, just be a friend just this once, okay? I love you.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Charlie.
We love you.
Yeah, it looks like they got him.
Cops were here, anyway.
We should've picked him up ourselves.
Gone with my instincts.
Rolling that rig should've done it, but nobody knew that Eddy wasn't in it.
We got to find that factory.
Hit them there.
Yeah, okay, Clark, we'll get on it.
Then they must have set fire to Roland's truck.
And when I woke up, I was here, the police was here.
They took away my license, the union said I'm driving illegal, and they canceled me out cold.
Well, that's it, Charlie.
He tried to bring your stuff up from San Diego, he ends up with a towel wrapped around his head.
It's your move.
Oh, now, sonny, it seems to me that Mr.
Strayhorn, he's done enough just coming over here.
I'm telling you, I feel a lot better just with you in the room.
Don't take the pressure off, Rocky.
I buy all your cassettes, you know that? I play them on the long hauls when the radio won't come in.
I'm telling you, sonny, Mr.
Strayhorn here, he'd never do nothing illegal.
I can tell.
Yeah, well, somebody is.
All I can tell you, Mr.
Rockford, is that I'm real sorry about what's happened to you and I intend to get to the bottom of it.
At least that's something, hey, Rocky? Now, the first thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna call Clement, get his butt over here and find out why my links is coming up from San Diego.
And second, I'm gonna come back here in person and tell you what happened and why.
Who's Clement? Clement's the one who got me in this deal in the first place.
He's in charge of it.
He also has all the answers, and I'm sure those answers don't have nothing to do with no packing plant down in Mexico.
Real nice to meet you, Mr.
Rockford.
I'll be taking care of your hospital bills either way.
We can handle that.
I said I'm gonna take care of them.
The man says I need tax write-offs anyway.
Come on.
See you in the hall, Jim.
So long.
By golly, you done it, sonny.
You got Charlie Strayhorn and you brought him here to this room.
I've never been so excited.
Yeah, the problem is, I kind of like him.
He's a real one.
I like him, too.
Yeah.
I guess he's okay.
He wasn't doing too much, so I had to twist his arm a little.
I love you, sonny.
Physical therapist, report to room 420.
I'll see you.
Hey, Charlie.
Charlie, thanks a lot.
You really picked up his spirits.
It's a lot more than I could do.
Well, my old man split when I was 16.
Left me and my kid brother in Okmulgee, Oklahoma.
Yeah.
We stole and slept under porches.
Never did go to school.
I like your daddy.
Seems to me he did a real good job with you.
He worked, worried about you when you were sick, now you're doing it for him.
I like that.
Hey, me and Carrie's got a boy.
Yeah? Yeah.
He lives in Oklahoma City while we get this thing straightened out.
He's with her parents.
One of my hopes was he'd never have to sleep under no porch.
The way we got it fixed, I guess Chet will be sleeping on airplanes.
Ain't that right, honey? I'm sorry, Carrie.
He's right, you know.
But then, he's Charlie Strayhorn.
Things just got going too fast and now there's no way to stop them.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Can't we just call the rest of this stuff miscellaneous and just guess at a figure, huh? Seems kind of funny, you know.
All this stuff, as you call it.
Some of it ain't got no price I can think of.
Charlie, what I meant was Oh, honey, I know what you meant.
It's just Well, like this Mexican saddle we got down here on the list, remember that's the one we used to put on Dappler? Huh? What do you figure that old saddle's worth? I broke an arm winning it.
You was judging pies, thought I was crude.
Called me a rough rider.
I had to give you the saddle to get a date with you.
What do you figure that old saddle's worth? Twenty dollars? What're you trying to do, Charlie? Open up old wounds and get them bleeding? Ah, it's just all these fellas around here with scarves and loafers.
How in the hell did they ever get hitched up on our wagon anyway? I suppose you want to figure out the taxes and book the tours and make the record deals No.
I liked that old man today.
Jim, too.
How come we don't have no friends like that no more? Used to be we did.
Where the hell did they all go? You don't want them, Charlie.
Not really.
You want to prove who you are and grow all your roots in 18 months.
And that just doesn't leave any time.
It was nice, you worrying about Chet this afternoon.
But you can worry all you want.
It's not going to make your being in Tokyo any easier for a little kid to understand.
Okay, let's make that saddle worth $20.
Let's make it worth $20.
There you go, Jake.
Yeah? What'd you say? I beg your pardon? What'd you call me? I didn't call you anything.
I don't take that from anybody.
Come on, pal.
That's the weirdest thing I ever saw.
What'd you call him, Jim? I didn't call him anything.
Hey, Jake, we don't need any cops, do we? No, go on and get out of here.
I'll steer him the other way.
Thanks, Jake.
Them doggies are gone Hey, Jim.
Hey, Jim-boy.
Come out of there.
I know you're in there.
Whoo, Jim-boy.
All right.
All right.
Oh, boy, a drunken cowboy.
What a treat.
How you doing, pard? Hey, Charlie, don't shout at me, will you? I ran into a little trouble earlier.
The inside of my head revolves when you shout at me, okay? Did I do that to you? No.
It happened later.
Hey, hey, hey, Rockford.
You know what? I got the lowdown on how them links is coming up from San Diego.
Oh, Charlie, Charlie, would you keep it down? You know why? Because Clement said they were having trouble getting a direct railroad from Cripple Creek, so what they did was they got three railcars from the UP Lines straight into Dallas and then ran them right on up to San Diego and trucked them right on up here.
How does that explain the fact they were non-union trucks? Oh, Clement says that guy Eddy probably just didn't register with the union.
It's just one bad apple in it, that's all, son.
Will you knock it off, Charlie? Now, I'm not gonna ask you again, okay? What are you gonna do, throw me out? Huh? Come on.
When I drink, I'm tougher than a boll weevil in a sugar jar.
Come on.
Yeah, well, I eat boll weevils for breakfast.
That is, when I'm not eating Mexican sausages.
Oh, Jim, they ain't Mexican sausages.
Come on, man.
I came over here to have a party with you.
Won't you lighten up on me, son? Oh, why don't you just give them a call in Cripple Creek? They answer the phone with a recording.
I think it's time you went down there and had a little It's there! Why don't you just take it from Yeah, who? Clement? Oh, sure.
Yeah.
He's got more lines than the telephone company.
Okay.
I'll tell you what.
I got an airplane over at Van Nuys and since you are so all fired up to go down to Cripple Creek, let's go.
You're drunk.
That's it, boy.
The old Bel Air cowboy coming at you in a plastic cup.
Come on, Jim.
Give them a hoot.
Not with this head.
All right.
Not too bad, huh, partner? Bought this from Charlie Pride.
Before that, it belonged to Elvis.
Pretty good, though.
Got a TV and a videotape, got a mixing panel and a bar and a full kitchen.
Pretty good, though, ain't it? What do you think? I don't think you want to hear it, Charlie.
I do, too.
Come on, Jim, talk to me.
I think somebody ought to wave you off the track before you hit the wall.
Yeah? Well, when you're right, you're right.
I been thinking about taking some time off.
Maybe spending it with Chet or getting Carrie to try to understand some.
I got this German tour coming up.
Hill says I got to put some of that dough in a Swiss bank and I can beat the Feds out of their share.
In fact, I got to do that, 'cause Carrie's gonna wipe me out.
She don't want it that way, but I don't want it this way.
But we're doing it anyway.
There might be a lyric in there somewhere.
Maybe I better write a little music.
You gonna be all right here? Oh, yeah.
I'll be fine.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
I can sure write good up here.
Nobody pulling me into no limos or meetings or talking into my ear about schedules and itineraries, people I got to talk to.
Just them old engines droning out there.
This bird chasing the sun, running from it, don't matter which, it's all the same.
Don't let me bother you now.
Started out with the dreams And the plans of a wise man And ended up with the heartaches of a fool As a boy, I would walk through the valley And gaze at the world all around Made a vow that somehow I would find fame and fortune Well, I found it But look at me now Boy, it sure takes your breath away, doesn't it? Of course, you can look on the bright side of it.
You got your smoking shed all set up there.
All you need is the 50,000 square feet of factory.
Knock it off, Rockford.
Well, come on.
Let's go see if we can find the plant manager.
This can't be the place.
That guy had to be mistaken in town.
From the looks of it, you ought to start branching out, Charlie.
"Fillet the sausage and pack American cheese in the center, "double over and wrap in Charlie Strayhorn Hickory Smoked, "uncooked bacon, then throw in the skillet "and cook till brown.
" Mmm-mmm.
What is this place? It's a mail drop, Charlie, and your factory is right where I said it was.
In the middle of Mexico.
Clement slipped you a rusty musket, partner.
About had enough? Yeah.
Well, shall we take a look at the smoking shed, Charlie? He's dead.
Why? Why would anybody want to kill The guy who tried to kick my head in last night was Chinese, now this guy.
I wonder how all that adds up and why.
You got something, Charlie? What is it? Clement.
What about him? His name is Clement Chen.
He's Chinese.
Oh, I love it.
I just love it.
Well, I'll give you an escort out to the airfield, Charlie.
Red lights and a siren.
Well, there's no point in that.
I'd hate to scare these cattle and everything, you know.
Yeah, well, we want to thank you, Sheriff.
Oh, thank you.
When we get back to L.
A.
, you set up the meeting with Chen and I'll handle it.
But once we get there, it's my party.
Look, Charlie, I know you're angry.
Hey, babe, why not? Right? I mean, okay, so I smoked a fastball past you.
Look, hey, come on.
It's a slot machine and it's just starting to pay off.
This sucker is a gold mine.
If we were producing in the U.
S.
with all the union restrictions, it would cost us Now, in Mexico, with everything exactly the same, we get them in L.
A.
, F.
O.
B.
my food distributing company for 13 cents a unit.
Now, you built a plant down in Mexico.
You get Charlie to front it for you, and then you probably got one FDA inspector all scared or jammed up or whatever, but he's stamping it down in Mexico for you.
Then you smuggle them up here.
And your distribution is probably this year's biggest hit musical.
Hey, what's wrong with that? It's illegal.
What's your story, mister? Did you just drift down in a white balloon? So it's illegal.
So who's getting hurt? Well, let's start with your man Loo in Cripple Creek.
He's getting bundled off to Boot Hill in a $20 pine box and then there's Roland Eddy.
He probably just had one drink too many and fell into the fourth dimension.
I've had a lot of pressure on me lately.
Everything will work out fine, Charlie.
You just have to stick it out for a while.
If you want out later, I'll take you out at a profit.
And you're wrong about Mr.
Roland Eddy.
He isn't dead.
I'm a businessman, not a murderer.
You're a real slug, you know that, Clement? Huh? Thank you, gentlemen, that'll be fine.
Business associates? What are you, Clement? Chinese Mafia? Isn't that what they call it? Mafia? I'm a member of the Triad.
It's a very old Chinese business affiliation.
Yeah, well, you ought to talk to the police gang squad.
You know, they call it an underworld crime syndicate.
Well, I suppose that brings our business discussion to a close.
Yeah.
Excuse me a minute.
I'll be right back.
Charlie, I wouldn't.
I tried it once, my head's still throbbing.
Do you think the word got out that they're serving Mexican egg rolls? Well, something sure cleared it out in a hurry.
Telephone, Mr.
Strayhorn.
Yeah? Charlie, I'm calling you from my car.
Listen, buddy, you might want to get out of there yourself.
Yeah? Why? There's some men about to hit the place.
They might be a little out of sorts.
Thanks a lot, Clement.
We're on our way out now.
Charlie, I got an idea.
He said something about a food distribution company.
Go get the pickup, all right? What's wrong? Why are we stopping? Oh, no, Davey.
Not you.
I got to.
No other choice.
Pick up the phone and dial 555-6787.
Then hand it back.
I'll kill you for this.
They got my sister and mother, Clement.
I got to do what they say.
Now dial.
How do you like that? Your Cripple Creek Sausages are being distributed by a Chinese noodle company.
That ought to knock the old down-home country image right in the head.
Uh-huh.
Somebody in there has to know where that factory is.
I think we ought to go in there and bust some buns and find out where.
Let's call the police and let them do it.
Get down! Okay, you got a clean gripe coming, I'll copy to that, but we couldn't use union trucks.
We would've been in trouble all the way up and down the line.
Get serious, man.
We're smugglers.
I told you on the phone how it was two months ago.
You cut me in or we put you out of business.
I offered a fair deal.
So what do you do, huh? You get a couple of riceballs to throw a bomb in my front window.
You think I'm gonna sit around and wait for you to ice me and my family? They did that without asking.
They were just a couple of punks.
Oh, shut up.
So what are you going to do now? I'm gonna kill you.
That's what I'm gonna do.
You're gonna kill me over that? Just because of that? I'm gonna kill you because I know you, mister.
If I let you go, you'd kill me.
It's got nothing to do with sausages or the ITTW.
It has to do with who ends up alive and who ends up dead.
Okay, Mike, go in there and collect Roland Eddy.
Take Mel with you and make it fast.
I don't like it.
Charlie.
Charlie.
I bought these for hunting.
Hey, Charlie, come on.
You can't be serious.
I tell you something, I ain't felt better about nothing in five years.
Just cool it.
Hold it a minute.
All right.
Now, I'm against it, but you get in the truck bed.
I'm gonna pull up and block the driveway.
Okay.
Charlie, hold it.
Yahoo! Man, I can't believe it.
Here we are, actually at Charlie's house.
You don't suppose we should have phoned him first or something? Oh, I guess, maybe, but he's not all that formal a guy, Rocky.
He yells things like "yahoo.
" Wait till I tell him I got my driver's license back.
I'll wait.
And wait till I tell him the union reinstated me 'cause they found out the real crook was the president of the union and not me.
Wait till I tell him that.
I'll wait, Dad.
Well, hey, yahoo! Hello there.
Anybody home? Hi.
Oh, we're the Rockford family and we come calling on Mr.
Strayhorn.
Well, he ain't here.
Where is he? Well, after he got back from Sonoma and finished closing out that sausage business, he sort of lost interest.
So I suggested he go up to the ranch and do a little fishing.
He called me yesterday, said he was leaving.
Didn't know when he'd be back.
If ever.
I baked this here cake for him and I got the best news I wanted to tell him.
You're Joseph, ain't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Well, I got something for you, too.
What do you expect he's got for us? I don't know.
What's that for? That's the rig we used to use on old Dappler.
That's the horse that Charlie rodeod on, and this is for you, too.
"Charlie Strayhorn, Heartaches of a Fool.
"For Rocky who helped set me free.
" He He got my name right smack on that record.
"Most of what I have ain't worth giving, "but there was this $20 saddle.
"Thanks, Jim.
Love, Charlie.
" Right on the record, eh? Mmm-hmm.
All right! Started out with the dreams And the plans of a wise man And ended up with the heartaches of a fool As a boy, I would walk through the valley And gaze at the world all around Made a vow that somehow I would find fame and fortune Well, I found it But look at me now I had a sweetheart who would love me forever Didn't need her I would reign all alone Now look at me I'm the king Of a cold lonely castle The queen of my heart is gone So gather round me, you fools, for a dollar Listen to me, a lesson you'll learn Well, there's happiness and love Sent from heaven above And the fires of ambition will burn Started out with the dreams And the plans of a wise man And ended up with the heartaches of a fool