The Royle Family (1998) s02e07 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (# Humming) (Phone) Hello? Aww.
Hiya, love.
(TV) All for a good reason, as we will now find - How are you feeling, Denise? John McCririck Aww.
Aah.
Ooh.
Well, your nana's asleep, your dad's being miserable, and Antony and Dave are watching Noel Edmonds.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ohhh.
Are you feeling better, then? Aah.
Yeah.
Well, it could have just been a bit of indigestion, love.
Yeah.
Are you coming down, then? Yeah.
I think I will.
Hey.
Irt it great Dave got me this mobile phone? Yeah.
Aah.
Should I come up and get you? No.
I'll be all right.
Bye.
(Beeps) Ooh.
Oooh.
(TV) Right? See, I do go along.
Hey, Dave.
It's great, that mobile you've bought for our Denise.
It's dead handy.
She just phoned me from upstairs.
That's supposed to be for emergencies.
When the baby's born.
Bloody hell, they're not cheap, them.
- (TV) You like to have a flutter - How much are they, Dave? - 40 notes.
- Bloody hell! (Mouths) (TV) enough money for an air fare to Canada.
Canada jet, tomorrow, leaving Heathrow.
- Oh.
- I'm taking you to see Dexter.
(Applause on TV) - Oh! - You all right? - Yeah.
- (Barbara sighs) - Have a nice sleep? - Yeah.
Hey, Dave.
I really love that mobile what you got me.
Yeah, you're not supposed to be using it, though, not from upstairs.
I only rang me mam on it.
(Jim) I bet you them calls are not cheap, either.
Ooh! That advocaat.
Don't half make me sleepy, Barbara.
- Aww.
- Mm.
(Jim) Does it? Would you like another one, Norma? (Jim laughing) Oh, hey, Antony.
What time are you going to Emma's? Well, her mam said 5:00 for 5:30.
So I think that means about quarter past.
(Barbara) Mmm.
Oh, Antony.
Irt it funny, you having to have two Christmas dinners? Yeah, it's all right, really.
They're all vegetarians, so they're having a nut roast.
The tight gets.
All that bloody money and he won't fork out for a bit of turkey.
(Norma) I can't believe they're having their Christmas dinner at night.
Lay heavy on 'em, won't it? Yeah.
Will you be staying late, Antony? Yeah.
But, after they've had their dinner, they always play charades, you know, and parlour games and that.
(Jim) Parlour games! (Barbara and Norma) Ohhh! Ohhh! Is their telly broke? Parlour games, my arse! Hey, I tell you what you'd be good at.
That's if they play it.
Hunt the giro! (AII laughing) I think they're right.
We could do that.
Play some sort of a game.
Hey, Denise, do you remember that Christmas when we tried to play rummy and your nana had two kings in her handbag? - Oh, yeah! - I didn't know they were there, Barbara.
Oh! But they did come in handy for that royal flush! And I won £13 off Jim that night.
(Barbara) Oh, yeah.
Hey, Jim, wasrt that the Christmas you didn't sleep? Anyway, why d'you wanna go round there for all that bloody shite, when you could be here with us, watching the bloody box? Parlour games, my arse.
They want to get out a bit more, that lot.
(TV) Park, Vancouver.
I'm afraid I haven't reserved any seats, so I'm hoping What time are we going to my mam and dad's, Denise? Ohh.
I don't really want to go, Dave.
Why don't you go on your own? Denise, me mam's doing a turkey buffet.
There's only me and you going.
If we don't turn up, it'll only be me mum and dad.
Me dad goes to bed early.
I don't really fancy it, Dave.
I feel a bit funny.
(Sighs) This is the one day of the year we get together to watch the bloody television and look at the shite they've put on.
Well, that's going for a burton.
- Ohh! - Oh, gerroff, Jim.
I liked him.
Noel Crinkley Bottom.
You do whatever you like.
You don't care about your family.
Oh, Crinkley Bottom, my arse.
(# Music from The Snowman) Ah.
Did you like that turkey, Jim? A little bit dry, werert it, Barb? Oh.
Did you, Mam? I've never liked turkey, Barbara.
Did you like it, Dave? Mm.
I could take it or leave it, me, Barbara.
Did you like it, Denise? No.
I didn't like it.
There's no flavour.
How about you, Antony? Not bothered, really, you know.
Oh.
Oh, I don't think I'll bother getting a turkey next Christmas.
- (AIl) Oh! - What's the matter? (Jim) Aah! (Norma) Barbara! Mam, you've got to have a turkey at Christmas.
Bloody hell, Barb.
Don't be such a bloody killjoy.
Well, you all made me get a Christmas pudding but none of you've had any.
Ooh! I wonder how Cheryl's got on.
(Chuckles) Mary's had to cook her a WeightWatchers Christmas dinner! You know, low fat and that.
- Aah, has she? - Yeah.
Aww.
Oh, Mary says Cheryl's met a lovely new friend at WeightWatchers.
- Has she? - Yeah.
Big fat girl from Hyde.
- Aww.
- (Jim) Oh, I like the sound of that.
The big bride from Hyde.
(Squeaking) Oh, hey.
Let's all have a snowball.
Don't snowballs make you feel Christmassy, eh? - Mm.
- Yeah.
Snowballs, my arse.
It's a bloody swiz, this Christmas lark.
(Norma) Den Denise? Denise, you know that book you bought for Cheryl? What's it about? - Oh, feng shui, Nana.
- What's feng dui? It's where you move everything round in your house, - you know, to bring you happiness.
- Oh.
I'd only have to move one thing in this house to make me happy.
(Laughter) (Liquid pouring) Hey, Nana.
- Do you know what Cheryl got me? - What? - A birthing tape.
- What tape? Well, she's put all me favourite songs on one tape, cos it said in the baby book, you know, that it'll relax you.
You know, for when you're birthing.
Aah.
She's a right big girl, is Cheryl, irt she? (# Barbara singing) - Oh, Antony! - Oh, cheers, Mum.
- Dave.
- Thanks, Barbara.
- Here you are.
- Oh, ta.
Oooh, yummy.
Ta, Barb.
- Mam.
- Ta, love.
Oh.
(Sighs) (Norma) Aah.
This always reminds me of your dad, Barbara.
- (Barbara) Oh.
- Here we go again.
He always used to make me a snowball.
I always miss him more at Christmas, you know.
I don't know why.
- Oh, Mam.
- (Whimpers) Anyway, happy Christmas, everybody! - (Denise) Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas.
(Barbara) Mmm.
(Jim) Bloody hell! (Barbara and Norma chuckling) Yeah.
(Barbara) Mm.
Ohh.
- Denise? - Yeah? Have you decided what you're going to do for the millennium yet? Well, we talked about it for ages, didn't we, Dave? Mm.
In the end, we decided we'd just come round here, really.
- (Barbara) Oh.
- Round here.
(Barbara) Aaah.
- You still doing the buffet? - Oh, yeah.
- We've invited Mary and Joe, and Cheryl.
- Aah.
(Jim) Bloody hell.
I hope you haven't invited Cheryl's mate.
There'll be no buffet left for us if she gets at it.
The big fat lazy heifer.
Ooh.
Mary's really looking forward to it.
Joe's not really bothered.
She said he can't get excited about the millennium.
Bloody hell, that's a surprise, isn't it? Millennium, my arse.
It's just another bloody swiz they've come up with to bloody rip me off.
I'm gonna treat it like any other New Year's Eve.
I'll get totally bladdered and I'm doing nothing else.
That's it, I'm doing nothing else.
They can take it or leave it.
- Who can, Dad? - Tony bloody Blair and his shower, who bloody organised it.
It's just a con to get more money out of me.
(Norma) I am stopping over on minn-ellium night, aren't I, Barbara? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Cos I wouldn't want to miss it.
- No.
- Why, what was the last one like? (Barbara) Ooh.
- # We're walking in the air # - Ooh! Just kicked! - Aah.
Do you want a little feel, Dave? - # We're floating in the moonlit sky # No, you're all right.
# The people far below are sleeping as we fly # Ooh, could anyone eat a sandwich? What's on it, Barbara? Well, turkey.
- No, thanks.
- # I'm holding very tight - # I'm riding in the midnight blue # - (Barbara) Mmm.
The stuffing was a recipe from This Morning, you know, Denise.
Ohh.
Mind you, I hadrt got all the ingredients, so I just mixed it with a bit of Paxo.
Oh.
Ooh, you work so hard on that Christmas dinner.
You're planning it for weeks.
Before you know it, it's all been eaten.
- What a waste.
- Yeah.
(Dave) Mm.
- Have you finished the washing-up? - No.
Well, I thought, if your nana's not going to be here tonight, I'd do it then.
Yeah.
The kitchers like Beirut, Denise.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- Hey, Nana.
- Hm? What time d'you have to be at Elsie's? Oh, well, I don't want to be late, Denise.
Elsie goes to bed early, you know, being housebound.
(Denise) Right.
It's the first time her daughter's ever left her at Christmas.
Aww.
South Africa, they're going to.
- Oh.
- Cape Town.
She's practically had everything out of Marks & Spencer's, you know, for outfits for Cape Town.
(Belches) (Barbara) A lot of people are doing that now.
Going away for Christmas.
I couldn't do it.
Well, I bloody could.
Complete bloody racket, now, Christmas, it's a swiz, the bloody lot of it.
- Mam? - Mm? What did you get for Elsie in the end? Oh, well, you know that blue cardigan of mine? - Yeah.
- Well, I never liked it on me.
Er well, that.
- Oh.
- Hm.
I bought her that.
Hey, Denise, it's bloody expensive to ring someone on one of them mobiles.
So don't be expecting us to ring you on that.
They're for emergencies, them.
Emergencies only.
I know, Dave! Oh, God, you'd knock the good out of anything, you.
Hey, David, Denise, it's Christmas Day.
We're having our snowballs.
(Antony) You know Emma's mum and dad? (AIl) Mm.
- They've got a wide-screen telly.
- (AII gasp) - (Jim) Have they, Lurch? - Yeah.
And it's got, er like, panoramic sound.
- (AIl) Oooh! - It's top.
(Jim) Panoramic sound on it, and they're playing stupid bloody parlour games? He must have money to burn, him.
- Wide-screen telly, ooh.
- Mm.
Do you know, Denise, I'd love to watch your wedding video - on a wide-screen telly.
- Yeah.
(AIl) Yeah.
- Ooh, I would.
I really, really would.
- Oh, yeah.
- (Denise) Mm.
- Mm.
- Oh, I'd love a wide-screen telly.
- Mm.
- It'd be absolutely brilliant.
- Mm.
You'd still see the same old shite on the bloody thing, but wider.
What's the point of one of them? What time is Dibley on? I do like that big funny girl.
The one who dresses up as a vicar, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- (Jim) Isn't Only Fools And Horses on? Where's the Radio Times? Ooh I must have left it up in the toilet.
When I was trying, earlier.
I had a Christmas log there meself this morning, Dave.
Ooh, you can't whack a good old Christmas log.
Dad! It's Christmas Day.
Oh, Christmas Day, my arse.
(Norma) What time's dinner tomorrow, Barbara? About three o'clock, Mam.
I'll come at 12 o'clock, just to be on the safe side.
I'm only going to be doing cold turkey and chips.
Lovely.
No turkey for me, Barbara.
Ooh, I've got some sausage rolls there I could heat up.
Now, does anybody fancy a sausage roll? - Jim? - No.
- Aw.
Denise? David? - (Denise) No.
Oh.
Antony, have another Celebration.
It is Christmas Day.
No, you're all right, cheers, Mum.
Ooh, Barbara, I'd love a date.
- Where are they, Barbara? - Ooh, yeah.
Here.
Blimey (Chuckles) Look at that.
Eat Me Dates.
How do they think 'em up? (Laughs) (Antony) I think I'd best get off to Emma's.
- Mm.
- Oh, Antony.
Have you got any presents to take round for 'em? Nah, I've give Emma hers.
Oh.
Should I wrap some Roses up for you in a little bag? - You're all right.
- Well, if I take the wrappings out of here, you'd never know they'd been opened.
It's all right.
I don't want to take 'em anything.
It's all right.
- See you tomorrow, Nana.
- All right, love.
- Oh, and cheers for that record token.
- All right, love.
(Denise) Hey, Antony.
Will you tell Emma tonight that you love her? - (AII laugh) - (Denise) You do love her.
You love her.
You do.
You love her.
- He does love her.
- Yeah.
(Jim) Hey, Lurchio.
Film.
Book.
Stage play.
Four words.
First word diddle-diddle-diddle.
Second word ah-ah! Third word ooh-ooh! And fourth word sounds like uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Hello? Eh? Love On The D-hole! Ha-ha-ha! You're havir that, Dave! Nnn! (Laughter) - (Norma) Bye-bye, love.
- See you later.
- See you, Antony.
- Happy Christmas.
Bye, tubby.
- (Norma) Have a good time.
- Oh, Jim.
Well, I'm only giving him a bit of bloody practice for after the nut roast.
Hey, Barbara.
You know that stuff that Antony bought me from t'Body Shop, don't you? - Yeah.
- Do you know what it said on it? "Not tested on animals.
" - What do you think? - Why, what do you mean? Well, supposing some were to fall on a dog? I didn't say anything to Antony.
- It wasrt his fault.
- No.
Hey, Mam.
This is the first time our Antony's ever bought us any presents, irt it? Yeah.
Yeah, she's good for him, that Emma, irt she? Yeah.
Aah, he got me the Delia Smith cookery book.
Aaah.
Bloody hell, Dave, you might be getting coriander on the old Dairylea soon.
- (Barbara) Jim.
- I know.
Bloody Christmas Day.
Aah.
I love them gloves what Dad bought you, Mam.
Yeah.
Well, he didn't actually buy them for me.
I bought them.
And I wrapped them.
- (Whispers) But he did write the tag.
- Aww.
Barbara, what can I do with this stone? Oh, here, Mam.
Put it in one of these sweetie wrappers.
Oh, ta.
Oh, don't put it back in there, Mam.
I can't stop thinking about poor old Elsie on her own all day.
Jim, you're right.
I must go to her.
Will you give me a lift, Dave? Course I will, Nana, yeah.
(Coughs) (Coughs louder) - You right now, then, Nana? - Oh.
- I'll take you now.
- All right, then.
(Groans) (AII sighing) (Norma) Ooh.
(Barbara) I've got some nice cold turkey and bits of stuff for you to take to Elsie.
Ooh, lovely.
Can I keep this hat, Barbara? I'd like to show it to Elsie, she'd like that, being housebound.
Yes.
Do you want to take her a hat, Mam? Ooh, yes, please, love, yeah.
Do you want to take her a cracker, Mam? No, I don't think she'd be up to pulling it.
She's very weak, you know.
Ah.
I don't think she could stand the bang.
Mind you, I think she'd like one of them little toys.
She's been a bit egg-bound lately, has Elsie.
The bang might start the ball rolling.
- You right, Nana? - Oh, ta, love.
Egg-bound? Housebound? Not much hope for poor bloody Elsie, is there? (Dave) Yeah.
Is that hat all right? (Norma) Yeah.
Ta.
- Here you are, Mam.
- Oh, thanks, love.
- Now, all your presents are in there.
- Oh, thanks.
And thanks for getting them all from Marks's.
I can take them back when they have a sale and get twice as much.
- (Denise) Bye, Nana - Bye-bye, love.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
- Thanks for the Boots voucher, Nana.
- Oh, it was a pleasure, love.
See you tomorrow.
Can't wait.
Seasors greetings, Norma.
Oh, Jim, I've marked off in the Radio Times what I want you to video for me.
All right, love.
Wort be long.
(Jim) You be careful, swerving round them corners with Nana on the back.
- We don't want her falling off, do we? - (Denise laughs) (Motorbike engine revs) (Sighs) Irt Christmas Day a long day? Yeah.
I know it's the same as any other day, but ooh, it does seem like a long day.
Yeah.
It does.
Hey, Mam, can you imagine me nana and Elsie in their hats? (Both) Aaah! (Denise) They'll be asleep by seven.
(Laughs) Yeah.
Aww.
Irt it lovely, though, when you get to that age, and all you have to think about is nodding off with somebody there? - Aah.
- (Jim) Bugger off.
She's only gone round there to save on her own gas bill.
- Oh, guess what? - What? - I've got to go to the toilet.
- Aww.
Ooh! Bloody hell, it's Vanessa! (Laughs) Well, I am as full as a bull's bum.
- Oh, Jim.
- I'll tell you what, Barb.
Don't bother heating them sausage rolls up.
I'll just have a couple of lightly boiled eggs for me tea, after all that rich food.
Just do us a few soldiers, and cut the crusts off, will you? Right.
Oh, Jim.
I've got all that horrible washing-up to do.
Well, it won't do itself, Barb.
(TV) welcome Chris de Burgh! Barb, ask Denise to bring the bloody Radio Times down, will you? (# Classical music on TV) Denise! (Denise) Mam, will you come up? - (Breaks wind) - Oooh! (Sobbing) Oh, Mam.
A lot of water's came out.
I think me waters have broken.
- Ooh.
- And Dave's not even here.
Oh, Denise.
Oh, my God, Denise.
Oh, Denise.
Oh, love.
Wait there.
- I'll go and ring Dave on the mobile.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- I've got the mobile! - Oh! - Oh! - Oh, God, Denise.
- I'll ring the hospital.
- Yeah.
- I'll send your dad up.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Jim! - Mam, don't leave me.
- (Sobbing) - Jim! Jim! Get upstairs.
Our Denise's waters have broken.
- What's broken, Barb? - Her waters! Get upstairs and calm her down.
She's all upset cos Dave's not here.
Take her this birthing tape.
Go on, the tape's already in there.
Come on! Now! Bloody hell, Barb.
What is it, the bloody Dam Busters? And Dave would have been here, only for your bloody mother.
(# Sings theme from The Dam Busters) Denise, it's your dad, love.
(Sniffs) Come in, Dad.
Come in.
- It's not too messy, is it? - No.
Come in.
(Sniffs) - Aah.
- (Sniffs) It's all right.
What's the matter? I don't know.
I can't even remember what I'm meant to be doing out of me baby book.
I'm supposed to be doing me breathing and I can't even remember how to breathe.
(Laughing) Come on.
You'll be all right.
Here you are.
Let's play your little tape, eh? (Whispers) Let's listen to that.
(# Theme from British Airways advertisement) - Denise.
- Yeah? You're definitely sure it wasrt just a great big piss, love? No, I know it wasrt.
And I don't know what I'm gonna do.
And Dave's gonna miss it.
And he's supposed to be helping me with me breathing.
And he's supposed to be counting them things.
He was supposed to be counting them.
Them things what I'm having.
Dad, I am so scared.
And I don't even think I want the baby any more.
And I don't think Dave wants it either.
He didn't even want to feel it kicking before.
And I bet you he'll leave it all to me.
And I don't even know anything about babies.
You'll be all right.
There's nothing to it.
What if the baby doesn't like me? What if I don't like the baby? Of course you'll like it.
You'll love it.
I remember the first time your mum when your mum put put you in my arms and I looked at you Oh, God, you were beautiful then.
I I knew then I'd do anything for you.
Anything for you.
And our Antony.
But what if I'm not a good mum like Mam? You'll be a wonderful mother.
Dad If Dave doesn't come back, will you come with me to the hospital? Of course I will.
I'll be right there.
Outside.
But your mum'll be inside with you.
You promise you will, Dad? You will stay with me? (Laughs) Of course I'll stay with you.
(Sniffs) I'll always be there for you.
- Oh, Dad.
- Always.
Hey, Denise.
- I'm gonna be a grandad! - (Laughs) # She may be the face I can't forget # The trace of pleasure or regret # All right, I've rung the hospital and they told me to tell you to come in.
So I've rung the taxi and it's on its way.
Bloody hell, Barb, it's double fare, Christmas Day.
Oh, Jim.
Come on, now, lady.
- We'll take you downstairs.
- Come on, babe, let's go.
- Ooh.
- (Turns tape off) - Quicker.
- (Sighs) (Barbara) Let me go first, love.
Ooh, now don't slip on this carpet.
No shoes on your little feet.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Are you hurting? - Yeah.
Aww, it'll be over soon.
- (Cries out) - Oh! Oh, sit down, love.
Sit down.
- Aah! - Oh.
Oh.
Breathe, Denise.
Breathe.
Breathe.
- Good girl.
- (Doorbell) Ooh, let that be Dave, please let that be Dave.
Oh, Dave.
- What's going on? - It's all right.
Her waters have broken.
Trust you not to be here when me waters broke.
You're a right useless lump of shite.
- I was taking your nana home.
- It's all right, Dave.
Oh, Denise.
Denise! You might give birth on Christmas Day! - Jesus! - (Car horn) Ooh! Ooh! Jim! Taxi! - Oh! Let me get me - Hang on a minute, pal.
Right, I'll just put me shoes on.
Oh, I can't believe it, Dave.
It's not due for three weeks.
- I hope it's gonna be all right.
- Yeah.
- I love you, Denise.
- (Sighs) Oh, Dave, your helmet, you clown.
Mam! We need to go now! Oh! Dave, wait for me! Oh! I'm switching these off.
I'm not made of money.
Oh, Jim, come on, your daughter's in agony.
Get your coat.
- Here love, get your shoes on.
- (Denise) Ta.
(Barbara) Don't worry.
(Denise) No, I'm all right.
No, I can walk meself.
(Jim) Tell the driver to follow that star! (Car engine starts) # Have yourself a merry little Christmas # Let your heart be light # From now on # Our troubles will be out of sight # Have yourself a merry little Christmas # Make the yuletide gay # From now on # Our troubles will be miles away # And have yourself # A merry little Christmas # Now #