The Royle Family (1998) s03e06 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (AII singing in distance) # De la la la, la la la # De la la la, la la la! # De la la la, de la la la! Oi! # De la la la, la la la! De la la la, la la la! Oi! # De la la la! Oi! # De la la la # We're on our way to Wembley We're on our way to Wembley # De la la la, de la la la! # - We're la la la la la! - Hoy! # La la la la la la # (Jim) Come on in.
Come on in to my mother's little home.
Sit yourselves down.
Come on now, everybody.
Make yourselves at home.
Sit yourselves down.
Come on, everybody.
Oh, Denise.
Denise.
What was that other little baby called that was being christened? - Oh, erm Britney.
- Britney.
Aaw.
Werert that other family dead rough? (AIl) Ooh, yeah.
That were a lovely service, though, Barbara.
I do like that man that did it, that vicar.
Oooh! He were great at Elsie's funeral, you know.
That wasrt him, Mam.
The vicar at Elsie's funeral was Jamaican.
Oh, was he? Oh, Denise, wasrt Baby David lovely when they put the water on his head? (AIl) Aaw, yeah! And he didn't cry or nothing, did he? Dave did, though.
He cried buckets.
Hey, Mam, what do you think of Twiggy's new girlfriend? Oh, well, yeah, she seems all right.
It's nice to see him happy, irt it? - Well, I don't like her.
- Mam! I don't like her.
I've seen plenty of her type around the flats.
So I said, "I wish my widget went off every time someone pulled it.
" - D'you think your mum'd want any help? - Don't be bloody daft.
You go and relax.
Here you are, Dave.
Hey, we had a bloody good drink at the Feathers, son.
A bloody good drink there for me little old grandson.
Okey-dokey, now, have you all got a drink? (Cheering) I want to make a little bit of an old toast here.
Have you all got a drink? (AIl) Yes! Wahey! Because this was paid for out of my hard-earned bloody giro! There he is.
Where's Barbara now? Come on, Barbara.
We're waiting to wet the baby's bloody head here.
Aah! There he is, me little grandson, Billy Big Bonnet.
- Come on, darling.
- OK now, boys and girls.
First of all Come on, Twiggy.
Hurry up, son.
To my family, my friends, and my loved ones.
Oh, and you, Norma.
I would like to propose a toast to my one and only grandson.
- Great grandson.
- All right, Norma, for God's sake.
Here's to health, wealth, future happiness, and hoping everything turns out well for this fella, and that he makes a nice few bob to look after his bloody grandad.
I give you David Keanu Ronan Best.
(AIl) To David Keanu Ronan Best.
(Cheering) Go back to your bloody Da.
Take your shitty arse off me.
I'll put some house music on.
- Oh, yes, James.
- A bit of house music, Joe.
- Have you got your banjo? - No, Barbara's hidden the bloody thing.
(Barbara) Yes! - Here you are.
- (Lounge music) Can you take Baby David and take him upstairs while we have a ciggy? - Yeah, yeah.
- Ta.
Come on, you big boy.
- Hello, baby.
- Aah! - Say bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.
# Bye-bye, Baby David # - Come on.
- I'll come up with you.
No, you don't.
You sit where I can keep me eye on you, you little old sexpot! (Raucous laughter) Old Lurky, the young - Have I got any ciggies? - I've just seen them.
Here.
- Oh, Barbara, I haven't told you, have I? - Oh, what, Mary? Joe went to see a clairvoyant in the precinct yesterday.
She told him he'd find love in two days, two weeks, two months or two years.
- Isn't that marvellous? - Aww, yeah.
- That's wonderful news.
- It is, isn't it? Yeah.
Mam, do you remember when I went to see that clairvoyant? - Just before I met Dave.
- Oh, yeah.
She told me I was going to be swept off me feet by a tall, handsome stranger.
- And who was it? - (Both) Dave.
Aww, Dave.
Aww.
I mean, I'm always going on at him, aren't I, Mam? - Yeah.
- But he is good, irt he, Mam? Ooh, yeah.
And do you know what he does for me every morning, right? Well, he gets up, he takes Baby David down.
Then he brings me up a cup of tea and he lights a ciggy, and pops it in my mouth while I'm still asleep.
- Aww, does he? - Yeah.
Ooh! But Dave doesn't smoke, though, does he? No, no, he can't.
He's got asthma.
(Cackling) (Mary) Oh, dear! (Continues cackling) (Twiggy) He said, "Smell it, missus," he said, "I'm sittir in it!" (Michelle laughing) 'Ey, tricky bollocks, never mind your jokes.
Pass us one of them lagers.
Hair of the dog, this.
I tell you what, I'm going to get absolutely rat-arsed.
So am I, kiddo.
I tell you what, Twiggy, she's a girl after me own heart, her.
- Have you got any whisky here, Jim? - No, love, feel free to go to the offy.
Kiss me arse.
Did you two Did you go out last night? We had a few ales and then a ruby.
There was a bit of a to-do with some lads who didn't want to pay.
- Go away.
- Yeah.
Anyway, Michelle steamed in and sorted them out.
Farouk gave us free nans and pompadoms, didn't he? Yeah.
I tell you what, I asked that Farouk for extra chillies.
But this morning, urgh! Talk about a burning ring of fire! Talking of which, I think I need the shithouse now.
Heurgh! Tell you what, lad, you've got yourself a bit of class there.
I tell you, she doesn't half play a good tune on the old flute.
- Hey, all right, David? - You all right, James? Hey, Dave, Farouk's got a little piccy of you and Baby David up behind the bar.
In the Punjab Palace? Oh, yeah, I gave him one last week when I was in there.
And I gave one to the bloke out of Balti Towers.
And Gianni's Kebab House.
He's not put his up yet, though, Gianni.
Bloody hell, why don't you have a calendar made of you and Baby David? Hey hey, he's got enough bloody outfits for it! - Hey, Duckers was in the Punjab Palace.
- Was he? He's organising a big jolly-boys trip to Amsterdam.
- You know, for his stag do and that.
- Where is it? - Amsterdam.
- Oh.
'Undred and forty-nine quid, all in.
Booze, travel, two nights, the lot.
- Are you on for that, or what? - I don't think I'll be able to.
I've not left our Denise on her own with Baby David for two whole days.
- Bloody hell, Dave.
- Well, you could look after him, Jim.
Who do you think I am? The bloody Kindergarten Cop? Son, get a grip of yourself.
I don't think I'll be able to go, then, Twiggy.
Anyway, I've not left Baby David alone on his own for a while, you know.
You're probably right, son.
I don't think you should go.
Baby David might think he'd got no parents.
Cos he hasn't got a bloody clue who his mother is! # I want my mammy # My little ma # We've got some sausage rolls for the christening.
(Both) Yeah.
Denise, Baby David, is he a bottle or a tit? Well, I did breast-feed him at first, but then it was easier for Dave to make up the bottles, you know.
Oh, you shouldn't have bothered, love.
All four of mine were on the bottle.
- Was they? - Yeah.
I was going to tit-feed Blaze, but Social took her away.
- Said I werert a fit mother.
- Oh, Michelle, that's terrible.
Well, to be honest, Barb, I wasrt a fit mother.
I was very heavily on the piss at the time.
But she had a great time with her foster parents, so it worked out well on both sides, really.
Aww.
Yeah.
So, are they all back with you now? - Yeah.
- Aw, well, that's nice.
- How old are they all? - I haven't a frigging clue, love.
As long as they're too young to be prosecuted, I don't care! (Barbara) Ooh, Cheryl! Congratulations! (Denise) Oh, Cheryl, I'm dead, dead, dead pleased.
- Thanks, everybody.
- What's all this about? Oh, well, Cheryl went to see a clairvoyant yesterday, and she said she'd find true love in two days, two weeks, two months or two years.
- Who told you this, Cheryl? - Gemini Astrid, up the precinct.
- Gemini Astrid? - Yeah.
- For three quid? - Yeah.
She talks complete bollocks, she does, love.
Take no notice.
(Whimpering) (Barbara) Oh, Cheryl.
You found love and now you've lost it.
Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cheryl, do you want a sausage roll? Yeah, I will.
Thanks, Barbara.
What about Sarah? No.
Sorry, Daz.
What about Rebecca? No.
Sorry.
Look, none of her mates want to go out with you, all right? I used to be your weight, Cheryl, but I just went on one of them meat diets.
Now, it does make your breath stink like a pig's, but you do lose the weight.
What are you now, love? About 13, 14 stone? I dunno.
I haven't weighed meself in ages.
What? Worried you'll break the scales? Michelle, don't be tight.
That was dead tight on Cheryl, that.
Hey, Denise, didn't your Dave used to go out with Beverley Macca? No.
He only went out with her once.
Come on, Cheryl, let's go in there.
Oooh! Touched a nerve.
Oh, Michelle, I think I have one of your children in my class.
- Are you a teacher? - Yes.
No, no, Mary, you're a dinner lady.
Oh, yes! Yes.
I'm taking that home for me supper.
Are you still widowed, Peter? Ah, yes, I am.
She's still dead.
That's my daughter there.
- The big, fat one? - Aye, that's the one.
Cheryl.
- 13 and a half stone, she is.
- I've never seen an arse as big as that.
No.
You won't have done.
I took a top back to Marks's.
Arert they supposed to give your money back? - Oh, yes.
Yes, they are.
- Well, they wouldn't, right? I got them to bring their manager.
And I just said, "Hey, you" (BIows raspberry) and walked off.
- They're ignorant bastards at Marks's.
- What was wrong with it, Michelle? Nothing.
Not a thing.
It just had a tiny ciggy burn in it.
They wouldn't have noticed if the cashier hadrt held it up to the light.
What's that old bag in there called again? That's me mam.
Old bag? Hey hey hey! (Stereo plays Sinatra: Come Fly With Me) - How are you, Mary? You all right? - Fine, thank you.
Fine, thanks, Dave.
Oh, Dave, I do love the farmyard you made for Baby David.
- Do you, Mary? - Oh, I do, Dave.
I do.
It's beautiful.
It reminds me of being back home in Ireland.
Does anyone else want to see Baby David's farmyard? - Where is it? - In the back of the van.
You make sure you keep the bloody back doors shut.
We don't want them sheep getting out all over the bloody road, do we, Joe? Hey-hey! All this fuss over the bloody farmyard! Every day, it's farmyard this and farmyard that.
It's only plywood with balls of cotton wool stuck on the bugger.
Sheep, my arse! Anyway, I'm off to shake hands with the one-eyed milkman.
Wahey! - Are you all right, PJ? - Yeah.
Have you sorted out that problem on your upstairs landing yet? - No.
- PJ, what is the problem? Stinks of piss.
(Chortling) Ooh, Darren! Oh, that looks lovely.
Ooh, Mary, I'm going to have a ciggy.
He's looking a lot better, though, PJ, irt he? - He's not as yellow as he was, Barbara.
- No.
Oh, but isn't it awful about him living in those conditions, Barbara? Well, it is his own piss, Mary.
Is it? The dirty dog! And he's sitting right next to the buffet.
(Michelle laughing) (Sinatra) # You make me feel as though spring has sprung (Michelle cackling) (As Ali G) So, Darren.
(As Ali G) What do you think of the Michelle, Twiggy's new punani? - She's a bit rough, irt she? - Yeah, yeah.
- Me dad calls her Borstal Bill.
- Aaw.
(As Jim) 'Ey, Borstal Bill! Urgh! Urgh! Eurgh, Borstal Bill! Borstal Bill.
Eurgh, rough, daft, eurgh (Michelle shrieking with laughter) Hey, Emma, is there anyone round your way that wants to buy a DVD player? - No, no, I don't think so.
- Is it any good? It hasn't got any leads round the back, but they're dead easy to get hold of.
Nah, you're all right.
How about a radio-cassette? No.
Hello.
Are you still awake, you naughty little boy? Hey, you might be a Best by name, but you're a Royle, you are.
You know that, don't you? I've got lots of little things planned for me and you.
Me and you in the Feathers when you're 18, buying your old grandad a pint.
There'll be times you're on the bones of your arse, but we'll always be there for you.
Hey, you've got a great mam and dad, you know.
I know your dad isn't the brightest lamp in the street, and your mam wants a firework up her arse every now and again.
But they love you, Baby David.
You're lovely.
One day you might be centre forward for England.
People'll say, "Do you remember Georgie Best? What about Baby David Best?" Oh, God, we do.
We all love you, you know, Baby David.
(Farts) Naughty grandad's trump.
Oh, that stinks! I'll leave that one with you.
See you after.
We love you, Baby David.
God bless you.
Ta-ra, son.
- I've got a Dualit toaster for 30 quid.
- No.
Can you get one of them little laptops that links up to the internet? - Why, do you want one? - Yeah, I do.
Oh, I could definitely get you one of them, then.
- Can you? - Yeah.
- Where from? - Don't worry.
That's for me to know.
- Your brother gonna rob one, then? - Yeah.
(Mary and Norma laughing) Oh, I do love the gays, Mary.
I do love the gays.
Ooh, and do you know, I hadrt actually met one until 1987.
And which one was it that you met? It was Moira's son, Gary.
He went to work in Brighton, and he came back as one.
- Didrt he, Barbara? - Who did, Mam? Moira's son, Gary, went to Brighton and came back a gay.
(Barbara) Oh, yes! Ah, but he's lovely.
He's very effeminate, but he's lovely.
He He calls him his partner.
But we know he's his boyfriend! Ooh, dear! Apparently, Michael Barrymore is one sometimes.
Ooh! Mary, what do they actually do? And it took two of us to lift the fridge-freezer out.
Then we stopped for dinner, and I had chips, peas, and a pudding.
(Denise) Hey, Dave, what're you doing? Just talking to Baby David.
I never know what to talk to him about.
Well, I talk to him about work.
You know, removals-wise.
What can I talk to him about? Well, you could talk to him about Trisha, or Kilroy, or Richard And Judy.
- Or Esther.
- Or Esther.
- Or Ricki Lake.
- Or Ricki Lake.
See, you've got loads to talk to him about.
Oh.
Yeah.
Come on, Barb.
Our party piece! # I know that some day # You'll want me to want you # When I'm in love # With somebody new - # You expect me to be true - Come on, Lurky! # And keep on loving you - (Antony playing spoons) # Although I'm feeling blue # You think I can't forget you # Until some day # You'll want me to want you # When I'm in love - # With somebody new - Whoopeedoo, whoopeedoo! # Although you don't want me now # I'll get along somehow # And then I won't want you All together! # I know that some day # You'll want me to want you # When I'm in love - # With somebody new - (Michelle cackling) - # You expect me to be true - (Jim) All together, come on! # And keep on loving you # Although I'm feeling blue # You know I won't forget you # Until some day # You'll want me to want you # When I'm in love # With somebody new # Although you don't want me now # I'll get along somehow # And then I won't want you # Hooray! Baby David! (Cheering and whistling) (Jim) Baby David! (Lively music on stereo) - Oooh, PJ! Hey hey! - Come on, PJ! Go on, PJ! He loves this song.
(# Radiohead: No Surprises) (Humming introduction) # Do do do do, do do # Do do, do do See? You are a good mother.
- # Do do, do do - # A heart that's full up # Like a landfill - (Baby David chortling) - # Ajob that # slowly kills you # (Barbara) Denise! Dave! Ooh, come down.
Our Antony's got an important announcement.
- What? - Ooh.
(AIl) # And if I can make it there # I'll make it anywhere # It's up to you # New York # New Y-o-o-o-o-r-k # Da-da da-ra-ra, da-da da-ra-ra # Da da da da! (Jim) Hey-hey! # New York, New York! # I want to wake up - # In the city that never sleeps - # And never dreams # And find I'm king of the roost # Top of the heap # King of the hill # Head of them all - Aye-aye? - Ssh, ssh, everybody! Our Antony's got a little announcement to make.
(Jim) Ooh, it's not a job offer, is it, Lurky? - Wahey! - Shut up, Jim.
Let him say it.
Well, go on, Lurky.
Get on with it.
Erm Well Well, erm You see Me and Emma, we're getting engaged.
(Cheering) - Not pregnant, are you, Emma? - Course she bloody is! # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # # I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, Baby David # Happy birthday to you # OK, that's enough celebration.
Lurch! Shift your arse up to bed.
Come on.
(Barbara) Jim, it's Christmas Day! - Come on, birthday boy.
- Come here, Baby David.
- Say bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
Bye-bye, Baby David.
(Slurring) Bye-bye, Baby David.
(Animal Hospital theme on TV) Bye-bye, Daby Babid.
- You all right, Nan, there? - Yes, love.
I'm gonna clear up later.
Let's have a ciggy.
Yeah.
- Here you are, love.
- Oh, ta.
- Denise? - Yeah? Do you think they'll want to sit down or stand up? Well, remember, they are vegetarians.
So they'll probably want to sit down.
(Barbara) Oh, yeah.
I've done tinned salmon and some hard-boiled eggs.
What else do they eat, Denise? You could make turkey sandwiches for everyone.
Then they can just take the turkey out themselves.
Ooh, yeah.
(Jim) What are you going to all that trouble for? They're only popping in for ten bloody minutes.
- Jim, I'm only doing a finger buffet.
- Oh, finger, my arse! Oh! Hey hey! You havir that, Dave? Finger my arse! Good one, that, James.
'Ey, we don't want any of that talk when Emma's mam and dad are here.
(Man on TV) We saw it swimming underneath the bridge, just there.
And I realised it was a seal.
(Rolf) Rhodri Williams takes up the story.
The seals attracted quite a crowd.
As night approached, they seemed to be getting sorted.
The RSPCA were worried by now.
I joined Inspector Dave Fox when he came to take a closer look at it.
Ooh! Somebody's brought Baby David 200 Benson.
(Denise) Oh, yeah.
That was Cheryl.
She asked what she should get him, and I said Bensons.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
Aw, just think, Denise.
This time last year, you were pushing him out.
- Who? - Baby David.
- Oh, yeah.
- Aah! - What's the next step? - I don't want to leave him.
He's in a pretty vulnerable position here.
So what we'll do is, we'll take him out to Putney, and get the vet to have a look at him.
And then we'll see about getting him to either Norfolk or I do like this top, Denise.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- Baby David bought it me.
- Did he? Well, I say he bought it.
I took the money out of his post office account.
But I'll put it back again when I'm straight, you know.
Yeah.
How much has he got left in there now? Well, what with the expensive Christmas and, you know, my highlights, nothing.
Oh.
What did you get him for Christmas? - Dave made him something.
Didrt you? - Yeah.
- Did you, Dave? - (Jim) Have you, lad? Yeah, I made him a garage out of one of Denise's old shoe boxes.
And I used a couple of her old heated rollers, you know, for the car wash.
Oh, Dave, you're dead handy, aren't you? (Jim) Dead bloody tight! I also made him a couple of petrol pumps out of some old matchboxes.
- It's even got unleaded! - Ooh! - You've got to, for the environment.
- Yeah.
- I put a diesel pump in there, as well.
- Did you? Mmm.
You know, for diesel cars.
- (Barbara) Ooh.
- And trucks.
And lorries.
And types of tractors that use diesel.
All right, Dave! We get the bloody idea about the diesel.
Bloody hell! Why didn't you make a little terror to rob the cars, while they're in there paying? - Right, he's gone to sleep.
- Aw.
Aw, Darren, thanks for that car stereo.
You couldn't nick us a bloody car to go with it, could you, son? Oh, Darren, I bet you're thinking about your brother today, aren't you? - Do they get a Christmas meal inside? - I don't know, Barbara.
Oh.
Don't they get Christmas leave, Darren? He was offered it, but he wanted to stay in prison with his mates.
Ooh! Imagine spending Christmas Day inside, Darren.
Do you know, some people don't celebrate Christmas at all.
What? Like me dad? Wahey! Boo! Why didn't you have your Christmas dinner in your own home, Darren? - Oh, Mam! - Me mum's still poorly.
- Me dad couldn't be arsed.
- Savir his money, more bloody like it! (Barbara) How is your mam? - Is she still on sick leave? - Yeah.
Aw.
Has she had any visitors? Only the bailiffs! You're probably better off here, then, son.
Yeah, there's nowt to sit on at our house.
Hey, I'll soon get that sorted.
I've got a mate at DFS, but they're shut now.
I'll have to wait till after Christmas.
Where's your dad sitting, then? In the pub.
Ooh, we are still coming to yours for Boxing Day, aren't we, Denise? I'm really looking forward to it.
It'll be the first time we've ever done something like that on Boxing Day.
The thing is, I haven't really had time to get anything in.
(Barbara) Shall I do something and bring it round? (Denise) Yeah, yeah.
Actually, that's a right load of messing about.
I think it'd be better for you if we all came here again.
- Is that all right, Mam? - Yeah.
Bloody hell! - (Doorbell) - (AII gasp) Lurch, come on, son, answer the bloody door! (Jim) Leave them there, Barb.
(Antony) Hello, Em.
Merry Christmas.
(Emma) Merry Christmas.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Happy Christmas, Antony.
- Hello, Antony.
All the best, mate.
- Hiya.
(AIl) Hiya! This is my mum, Valerie.
Mum, this is Mr and Mrs Royle, Jim and Barbara.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Jim.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Barbara.
- And this is my dad, Roger.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Jim.
- Hello, Roger.
Hello, Barbara.
- This is Denise and David.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, David.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, David.
- That's Nana over there.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Nana.
Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Nana.
- And this is Darren.
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Darren.
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Darren.
(Barbara) Ooh, isn't this lovely? Oh, can I take your coat, Valerie? Antony, get Roger's.
- Sorry.
- You all right, mate? Cheers.
- Is it real leather, Valerie? - Yeah.
Ooh.
Well, come on, then.
Come and sit down.
Come on, everybody.
Jim, put some music on.
Jim.
Jim! All right, Barb.
Bloody hell.
- Can I sit next to Valerie? - Yes.
Do you want to sit there, Valerie? - You sit there, Mam.
- Ta, love.
Denise, will you help me with that? - There you go, Jim.
- Ooh, lovely.
Bottle of Moet.
There you go, Dave.
Hide that till the bugger's gone.
- (Jim) You having a cig, Rog? - Yeah, might as well.
(# Wonderful Christmas Time on stereo) - I have a friend called Valerie.
- Oh, have you? Sadly, she's been sectioned.
# We're here tonight # And that's enough # Your Roger's a big, fat lad, irt he? # Simply having a wonderful Christmas time # - Would you like a hard-boiled egg? - Oh, thanks.
- What about you, Jim? What do you do? - Oh, I was laid off.
Bloody Thatcher, wasrt it? You know the game.
The next think I knew, I was on my way to the bloody dance.
What dance was that? The redun-dance! The redun-dance! Since then, I haven't had a single bloody offer.
- So you've applied for stuff? - What's the use at my age? I'm on the scrapheap, aren't I? I did have a little overnight security job, but, well I got caught on camera, sleeping, so I couldn't even bloody deny it.
Right.
Mmm.
And I do love to work, you know, lad.
Whoo, I'm a bloody grafter! Anyone round here'll tell you that.
- Hey, I'm always looking for blokes - No, no, no, you're all right.
I've got far too much to do now, what with Barbara working and a big family.
Well, you know what it's like, Rog.
Come on, everybody.
Time for crackers.
- Ooh! - Antony, Emma! Darren! Come on, crackers! Who do you want to pull your cracker with? Do you want to pull it with Darren? No! I don't want to pull me cracker with Darren.
- Who do you want to pull it with, then? - Well, I was hoping for Valerie.
Oh.
Yeah, well, pull it with Valerie, then.
You two can pull yours together.
Barbara, who am I going to pull my cracker with? Well, with Denise, Dave.
She is your wife.
Roger, do you mind pulling yours with Jim? Oh, right, yeah.
Can't we just pull the bloody thing? This bloody Christmas, it's a racket! You're right there, mate.
Darren, you haven't got anyone to pull yours with.
(Jim) Darren can pull his own.
He's used to that.
(Jim) You havir that, Davey? Ooh, Darren, you can pull yours with me.
Now, is everybody ready? Right.
Everybody? Ready? Right.
Three two one pull.
(Barbara laughing) Ooh! Ooooh! (Dave) Barbara, can I have that box? - Yeah.
What for, Dave? - I want to make Baby David an ice rink.
(Barbara) Aw! Valerie, hat! - Roger, hat! - Oh, right.
Valerie's got the same colour as me.
Yeah.
(Barbara) Isn't that lovely? Mum? Can we go in the kitchen for a ciggy? Yeah, course.
Off you go.
God, Emma, I'm sorry about me dad.
No, God, I'm sorry about my dad.
I'm sorry about my dad, then.
- (Snorting) - What? We've looked at a little terrace for Emma and Antony for when the baby's born.
Roger and I thought, you know, we could all chip in.
(Spluttering) Well All chip in for a terraced house? Bloody hell, you're joking, aren't you? They can have Denise's old room.
Bloody hell! We can pay for it, but we don't want you to think we're taking over.
Oh, no, no, you take over as much as you want, love.
(Roger) I'm thinking we should have the baby delivered privately.
The NHS just churn anything out.
Well, Denise and Dave went NHS for little Baby David.
So, well, I've got no complaints about the NHS.
We'll pay for it.
You just want the best for your kids, don't you? Oh, yeah, I totally bloody agree with you.
The NHS has gone completely down the bloody pan.
We're talking about a newborn baby here, not a bag of bloody crisps.
(Impersonating Craig from Big Brother) Er this week I'd like to er nominate er Sada.
Wahey! Sada.
He's class.
Sad-a.
Oh, yes, I've gone from a B to a D, Barbara.
- What's she had done? - Implants, Nana.
Ooh, are you all right, sitting in that hard-backed chair, Valerie? - Oh, yes.
- Oh.
(Barbara) Oh, they're lovely, Valerie.
Jim, don't Valerie's implants look lovely? They're great, them, Valerie.
Lovely, them, Valerie.
Dave? - Mm? - Arert they lovely? Yeah, they're smashing, them er two, Valerie.
Oh, Valerie, Mary next door will be really sick she's missed 'em.
- I got her them for Christmas, you know.
- Oh, well done.
She didn't want them.
She wanted a Dyson.
- Oh, well, I'd love a Dyson.
- I'd love a Dyson.
Actually, I did get a Dyson as well.
(Cries of amazement) Oh, Valerie, what a Christmas! Implants and a Dyson! It was in the paper about a woman who had implants.
She went on an aircraft.
And her implants blew up the aircraft! No, they didn't blow up the plane, Mam.
They just popped out of her bra.
Valerie, Valerie Did they say anything about aircraft when they installed your implants? No.
Barbara, didn't Elsie next door have implants? - No, eggplants, Mam.
- Oh.
Erm Valerie, I wanted to have a breast reduction, but Dave wouldn't let me.
Well, he works long hours, Denise.
- Be fair.
- Yeah.
(Barbara) You're lovely and slim, Valerie.
Irt she, Denise? Lovely and slim! Oh, yeah, Valerie.
You're lovely and slim, Valerie.
Roger treated me to liposuction for my birthday.
- I had my thighs and my tummy done.
- Oooh! Ooh! Liposuction! - Oh, I'd love liposuction.
- Oh, yeah, I'd love liposuction.
(Norma) So would I.
What is it exactly, Valerie? A technique where they suck out the fatty deposits in your body.
Oh! Think of Cheryl next door.
She could do with some liposuction, couldn't she? You could always borrow Valerie's Dyson! Are you having that one, David? Are you? He's class.
Sad-a! (Normal accent) This week, I would like to nominate er Sarder.
(Barbara) I tell you what, Valerie.
If you want to nip into the bakery where I work, I'll slip you a couple of ice fingers for free.
It's what I do for Mary.
I charge her for two, but I give her four.
It's stealing, really, but well, it's only ice fingers, irt it? Have you got a nice house, Valerie? Oh, yeah, it's lovely.
We're in the middle of building a little annexe to put my mother in.
(Gasps of amazement) - You ever been on a cruise, Jim? - Erm Oh, no, no, no.
We're going on a cruise this year.
- Bloody hell.
- (Barbara) Roger! Takes in all the Med, then we jump on the Orient Express.
- Ever been on the Orient Express, Jim? - No.
(Norma) Oh, there's a lot of murders on the Orient Express.
You want to watch it on that.
Irt that right, Barbara? - What? - There's murders on the Orient Express.
- Ever dabble on the stock market, Jim? - No, no.
What a very easy way to make a lot of money! Once, I made more in a day than I made in a year.
(Gasps of amazement) - Ever heard of the Masons, Jim? - The Masors Arms! No, the Freemasons.
Hey, it comes in handy.
I had a court case.
I took it to the lodge and the police evidence disappeared.
Bloody hell, Dave! Darren should join the bloody Masons! Tell you what.
Valerie, you organise this.
We'll get 'em on the boat.
- It's a 42-footer, you know.
- (Dave whistling) (Dave) Has it got a toilet? She got two.
(Emphatic wolf whistle) That's great, because my hovercraft's still being repaired.
Hey, I'm only from a place like this.
I'm a self-made man.
Wasrt my mam's place as bad as this? I mean, I didn't have a pot to piss in, me.
And look at me now.
(Scouse accent) Sada! - Sade.
- Sada.
- Sade.
- Nominate Sada.
Nominate Sade.
- Do you like football, Jim? - Oh, I love it.
- I've got a box at Old Trafford.
- Get away! And I've got one at Maine Road.
I do some of my best deals in them boxes.
Ooh! Do you know who we see a lot of, socially? Joe Longthorne.
(AII gasp) I mean, I don't care for him much, me.
He's a bit of a show-off.
(Dave whistling) Joe Longthorne! Do you get up to the Lake District much, Jim? Not that lately.
We've got what I call our second home, you know.
It's more of a country retreat, really.
(Barbara) Have you, Roger? A country retreat! Oooh! Valerie, would you like a snowball? Oh, no, thanks.
Oh, can I have another snowball, Barbara? - With a bit of brandy in it.
- Right.
Barbara, I'd like more brandy than snowball, please.
Oh, yeah, show Darren that tummy scan.
- Oh, yeah.
- Show you something, mate.
Look at that.
It's top, innit? Yeah, it's top, that, mate.
What is it? It's a scan of the baby.
Here.
Oh oh, right.
And there's its head.
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah.
Hey, I think it's a boy, Ant.
- No, that's its leg.
- Oh.
Oh, right.
- Em - Oh, yeah.
Erm Actually, Darren, me and Antony had something we wanted to ask you.
We'd like you to be the godfather.
- If that's all right.
- Me? - Really? - Yeah.
- Is that all right? - Yeah.
- (Repressed sobbing) - Aw, mate! Absolutely made up.
I am.
Nobody's ever asked me to do anything like this.
- Aw, mate.
- Oh, Daz.
No, it'd be an honour, mate.
- Cheers, Emma.
- It's all right.
Cheers, Antony.
Cheers, mate.
You're going to be the godfather.
I'm going to be your godfather.
Like er Don Darren.
I made you an offer you couldn't refuse.
I'm absolutely made up.
I really am.
Yes! - There's the Jag, Jim.
See it? - Mm.
See the numberplate, ROG1? (Whistling) - Bloody lovely, that, lad.
- It's just a runabout, really.
I've got a classic Aston Martin in the garage at home.
It's just a bit of a toy, really, but it's nice to have, innit? Too bloody true, it is, lad, yeah.
Do you know, I stay at a lot of hotels? I'm away on various jobs.
You know the first thing I do, Jim? I check in and then I pop upstairs and I check the old TV.
- You know what I mean? - Too right, Rog, yeah.
Know what I watched the other night? I went to one of them lap dancing clubs.
- What are they like, then? - You pay a tenner and you see the lot.
- A tenner? - Yeah, but you can't touch, like.
- A tenner and you can't touch? - No.
Can you keep your hands in your pockets? Shh! And I've got this woman I see in Hale, right? She calls herself a stress manager.
You know what I'm saying? She specialises in Masons.
She does all of us.
Oh, Jim, she knows some tricks.
She does things to me that Valerie couldn't even dream of.
Go 'way! She lets me do things to her you wouldn't even do to a farmyard animal! Come on, Rog, come on! You're havir me on.
Roger I made a farmyard for Baby David.
Bloody hell, Dave! I'll start robbing now from Mothercare so it's all ready for him when he's born.
- Nice one.
Cheers, mate.
- Emma, your mam and dad are going.
Ant, will you get Roger's coat, love? Oh, Emma, she's just lovely, your mam.
- Here you are, Valerie.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, it's been really, really lovely meeting you both.
And you.
Ooh, we'll all have to come to your house next time.
Thanks, Antony.
- Do you like this coat, Jim? - Bloody smasher, that.
- Not much change out of a grand, these.
- (Whistling) It's been lovely having you, young man.
God bless you.
It's great when two families get on so well.
Thank you, Emma.
- All the best.
- You take care.
Thank you, Valerie.
All the best, love.
All the best, now.
- All the best.
- See you, pal.
- See you, Emma.
- See you, Roger.
Take care.
Ta-ra, Emma, love.
All the best, Rogie! (Stereo) # Christmas # Just like the ones I used to know # Eurgh! He's a bigheaded get, him! It'll take him ten minutes to get in the car with his bloody big head! His house, his car and his bloody yacht.
Even his poor, bloody wife! And I tell you what.
I'd love to meet bloody Joe Longthorne.
- But as for you, Dave Best! - What? You were all over him like a bloody rash, you lanky, whiffling-arsed nose licker! - I'm going upstairs.
- What for? What for? To check the helicopter pad for his next flying bloody visit! # Christmas card I write # May your days # Don't you know, Roger? I kiss your bloody arse, Roger! Hey, all right, cocker, eh? I wish I'd bloody well stayed here with you, instead of downstairs with big-gob Humpty Dumpty head Roger! Are you having this, Baby David? He's got a bloody yacht, a bloody Aston bloody Martin, a bloody big house.
He's got a box at Man United, a box at bloody Manchester City.
And he's got a lovely tart out in Hale, and what have I got? I've got absolutely bloody nothing! We haven't even got a bloody Dyson! No one would have loved to have got implants for Barbara more than me.
I'd have got so much enjoyment out of them.
But what have I got? Bloody nothing! Nothing, and never have had.
Havert got two halfpennies to rub together.
I'm always bloody skint, I always will be.
Where did it all go wrong, Baby David? Eurgh grrrr! Isn't she lovely, Valerie? Oh, yeah.
- She's beautiful, Valerie, irt she? - Yeah.
Mmm.
- Barbara? - Mmm? Barbara, do you know who Valerie reminds me of? No, who, Mam? Me.
Hmm.
- Ooh, Denise.
- Hmm? - How the other half live! - Mm.
Arert you lucky, Ant, eh? Marrying into that lot.
Yeah.
Mam, does Dad still think we haven't got him a present this year? Yeah.
(Footsteps on stairs) (TV) an enormous duvet wrapped around them.
And when they lie down in the snow, it doesn't even melt the snow they lie on.
It's a nice, warm bed.
These ones in this area are all male, are they? They are, yes Dad, aren't you bothered that we didn't get you anything this year? Huh! Why change the habit of a lifetime? Well, we all clubbed together, even Nana, and we got you this.
"To the best dad and husband in the world.
"From your loving family.
" Sky? Sky TV? You've got me Sky TV? 200 channels? Roger, my arse! # So here it is # Merry Christmas # Everybody's having fun # Look to the future now # It's only just begun # So here it is # Merry Christmas # Everybody's having fun # Look to the future now # It's only just begun #