The Sarah Millican Television Programme (2012) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Hello and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme.
Now, I don't know about you, but I love watching telly with Twitter on as it's like watching telly with your friends but you don't have to hoover or buy crisps.
Watching the telly with one eye on Twitter is like chatting round your office water cooler, or taps, like we used to call them.
But without the added stress that at some point you might have to change the big bottle.
I used to work in an office and when the water cooler was running low, I'd start bringing in Capri Suns.
I'll just risk a bladder infection, it'll be fine.
I enjoy watching the show Hoarders.
It puts everything into perspective, watching someone deliberate about whether they should throw out a dead rat or if they might need it.
I really love One Born Every Minute.
Not for the babies, I just like watching men look like they're going to pass out.
You know, I love the beginning of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here when they reveal all of the contestants, cos there's always one you thought was dead.
I'm not sure I could handle it in the jungle.
I'm not very good at being hungry.
I'd end up just picking off the other contestants.
They'd come back and go, "Where's Frankie Dettori?" "Sorry, it's two o'clock and I haven't had a sandwich.
" There's always one girl who ends up in the shower all the time looking sexy in a white bikini.
The first one was Myleene Klass.
Every time I watched her, I just kept thinking, "But when's she going to wash her fanny properly?" When does she go back in with her Bic razor and her special flannel? For me, the worst task would be putting a bikini on.
"I don't want to.
" "Come on, get it on.
" "If you don't put it on, you'll have to eat those kangaroo anuses over there.
" "Those? I've been eating those all day!" "I thought they were nibbles.
" I've always been a fan of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Remember when that bloke tried to cheat by having someone cough in the audience? They thought the same thing had happened on Countdown, but it turned out pensioners have a lot of phlegm.
One of my friends once rang me to say he'd been picked to go on Millionaire.
He was so excited.
He said he needed a Phone A Friend.
I was so flattered.
Then he said, "Have you go Ron's number?" - Have you seen All Star Mr And Mrs? - Yes! I'm waiting for one where the wife says, "Don't bother putting him in the booth, he never bloody listens.
" The celebs who've been on All Star Mr And Mrs include John Prescott and his wife Pauline, Warwick Davis and his wife Sammy and Ulrika Jonsson plus one.
Ooh, and Simon Cowell and a mirror.
I used to love Family Fortunes.
One of my friends used to panic because she thought Family Fortunes was obligatory.
Eventually, all families had to go on.
Like jury service.
I've never done jury service, but when a fella I know did it, he got told off for milking it.
When it was time to deliver the verdict, he paused, then said, "First, let's have a look at his best bits.
" I love Take Me Out.
You can sometimes see the girls struggling to give Paddy a reason for why they've turned their light off.
You can't just go, "Urghhh!" I saw one where she said "Because he looks like me dad!" You don't know who your dad is.
But everyone is looking for love.
I like reading the classifieds, the I Saw You section.
You know, "You were the bloke on the bus listening to your iPod and looking out of the window.
"I was the girl standing right beside you crying, "full of another man's child.
" "Coffee?" John Fashanu presents the Nigerian version of Deal Or No Deal.
They won't open the final box until you've paid a small handling fee.
The name The Banker sounds like the nickname of a girl you can definitely get off with.
"Can I just introduce you to Jane? She's The Banker.
" You wouldn't do that to blokes, though, cos they're all bankers.
I even bought a Deal Or No Deal boxset.
Bit disappointing.
Half of them didn't really have anything in them.
To find out about that and other goings on at the Dream Factory, please welcome, live from the Deal Or No Deal studio, Noel Edmonds! Hello, Noel! Hello! Thank you very much for coming on the show! My pleasure! I love the gags.
Now, you've been a well-known face of television for over 30 years, fronted numerous hit programmes, so what I really want to know from you is, how do you get your beard looking so neat? Is it a spray-on? How do you keep it so tidy? Do you get a woman in? Yes, you do? Don't say that! This is good.
This is brilliant.
Your beard is very tidy.
How often do you trim it? Cos that reminds me, I must get a strimmer cord for my bikini line.
Do you trim it every day? Cos I do mine about once a week.
First thing in the morning.
Just before I have to start tucking it in my socks.
Do you want me to answer? Yeah, I do.
How do you feel about James May stealing your hair? Cos you used to present Top Gear, didn't you? Do you ever look at James May and his hair and his shirts and go, "Hang on"? Do I get to say anything? All the bits where you're laughing, you can talk during any one of them.
OK, well, let's ask you a question you can answer.
You do appreciate, I am at a disadvantage here cos I can't actually see you.
You can see me and you could be embellishing this humour with all sorts of nasty and provoking hand gestures.
I'm not doing anything at all.
Yeah, I can just imagine what you did then.
Moving on to Deal Or No Deal, is it true that there's a dwarf on a railway line under the studio floor that changes what's in the boxes? Yes.
I think that's an exclusive.
I think we just got an exclusive.
Now, why are the contestants on the show so chummy? Cos they all stay together, don't they, during the series.
Do you think they're opening each other's boxes backstage? There has been that.
We very fortunately have created a very friendly atmosphere at the hotel and we've had marriages, we've had babies and we've had a couple in the lift who didn't realise the hotel have a camera in the lift.
Oooh! They're pally.
Now, some people come on and have a system for how they're going to choose their boxes, don't they? Yeah.
Has there been a really ridiculous system? The best one, without a doubt, was the guy that came along and started choosing the numbers and he was doing it right here and then I said to him, "How are you doing this?" and he said, "Well, just before I left to come to Bristol, "I got my dog to choose the numbers.
" And it was like, "Well, how did your dog choose the numbers?" He said, "Well, I wrote numbers on bits of cheese "and then noted which bits of cheese the dog went for.
" And we, by this time, had chosen about 16 boxes and I asked him why he'd stopped.
He said, "At that point, the dog threw up.
" Now, are you the last person in Britain still using a landline? Yes.
Yes.
Have you ever said anything mean about someone and blamed it on The Banker? You're just Oh, he has! No! No.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, I'm on the player's side.
What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in a box.
For example, has anyone ever done the popcorn trick on you? Do you know what the popcorn trick is? Where you put it over your No.
You put the popcorn This is a good tip for the next time you go to the cinema with your lovely lady, you put the popcorn over your ge genitals and you force yourself through the popcorn so that she just, "Oh, I'll have a bit more popcorn, I'll have a bit more popcorn" and then Is this only something that I've done? Yes.
Yes? OK.
The audience don't know what that is, you don't know what that is.
But now you do, now you can try it.
It must be awful for you when you go to the swimming pool and have to choose a locker.
This is fantastic! I'm loving this, Sarah.
You are fantastic.
How long did it take you to get annoyed with people in shops saying "Deal!" at you all the time? I never get annoyed, cos I had ten years of bloody Blobby.
That's a brilliant answer.
It's a breath of fresh air when people start talking about Deal when you've been followed around by a pink and yellow moron.
That's still Blobby, right? That's not your wife, is it? Ooh! Ooh! Yellow card.
Now, I've been watching you since I was seven.
How come I've got older and you haven't? Well, is this the medium for me to actually confess that when I joined the BBC, I lied about my age because I knew that Radio 1 would not hire an eight-year-old so I added ten years to my age.
You're asking all the questions.
Did you enjoy your time here when you did the celebrity show? Because you were rather good.
It was amazing.
It was one of the most amazing days of my life.
It was fantastic.
Bless you.
Thank you, love.
You won £20,000, it was brilliant.
Did you say I only won? No.
I didn't use the word "only".
Are you sure? You could've had more money, but obviously you're not skilled at playing such a sophisticated game.
Ooooh! Right, OK.
Well, now that you've said that, I think it's about time that we made you play the game.
It's time for Deal Or Noel Deal.
What do you want me to do? I'm going to give you the numbers, you can open the boxes, and there are questions inside each box for you.
OK? Right, yes.
The questions I think that you'll like are all blue.
The questions that are a bit cheekier are red.
So let's pick a number.
The first one, let me see, erm, let's go for number seven.
That was the age when I first saw you on TV and realised how nice beards are.
Open the box, Noel.
Good luck.
Yes, it's red! Do you have the same stylist as Mary Berry? Yes.
Excellent.
I cannot deny it.
I work on the principle that if you don't change the way you look then you're going to be trendy about once every seven years.
Is that coming round any time soon? Now let's try box 22.
That's the number of yards that restraining order says I should stay away from you.
Ooh.
Hold on, I've got The Banker on.
Uh-huh.
He's offered me three grand.
He says I was mis-sold PPI and I'm entitled to make a claim.
OK, Noel, open the box! Number 22.
Good luck.
Yes.
It's red again! Do you ever ask your wife if you can open her box? Oh, saved by the bell.
My first pet's name was Password.
My mother's maiden name? My mother never married, thanks very much for bringing that up.
Thank you so much for coming on the show, Noel.
Ladies and gentlemen, Noel Edmonds.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Sarah.
Thank you.
I heard that on his show Apocalypse, Derren Brown was accused of using an actor.
That's never happened on Hollyoaks.
Derren Brown's Apocalypse made a man believe that humanity had come to an end as he ran around a devastated landscape.
Derren's best trick on that show, though, was making the Welcome To Swindon sign disappear.
Come to think of it, Derren Brown's greatest ever trick was making Paul McKenna disappear.
I'm a bit scared of hypnotists and illusionists.
Whenever Derren Brown says, "I can control your mind" I think, "Not on mute, you can't!" I think women are harder to please where magic is concerned.
Producing a rabbit is nothing.
We've all got one in our bedside cabinets.
But there aren't many female magicians, are there? I suppose you don't want to go home to your dad and tell him you're making money doing tricks.
David Blaine sexed up magic for a while, didn't he? In 2008, he announced his latest feat was to be called The Upside Down Man.
It was also referred to as The Twat Dangle.
Which is what I call it when my nightie's too short.
Paul Daniels still says he's the greatest magician there is.
He's what's known as a dillusionist.
I always think magicians can seem a bit sad.
When they bring their card out, I often expect it to say "Help me!" LAUGHTER "Look, there's nothing up my sleeves.
Just the scars.
" I don't like it when couples say that there's magic between them.
I imagine each night he's pulling bunting out of her nunny.
LAUGHTER Magicians often end up marrying their assistants.
It's like they're thinking, "If she'll let me shut her in a box "and saw her in half, what else will she let us do?" "And when I finish, will she go ta-da?" What I'd like to do now is find out the tricks of the magic trade.
So please welcome magician Pete Firman! Hiya! Thank you.
Thank you very much for coming on the show, Pete.
My pleasure! Tell me, are you looking for a new glamorous assistant? I'm always in the market for one.
Have you got a pretty outfit? Oh, I thought you were going to say friend.
Does magic impress the ladies? Do you find that? Unfortunately From my experience, and it might just be me, I'm not sure the tricks get the chicks.
Oh, really? - No.
Not even during - Awww! Not even during sexy time? What do you mean? Like, just, pack of cards from behind the lady's ear? No, like now you see it, now you don't.
Oh, right, I see! You used to do a lot of really gross stuff, like blending mice and popping maggots out of your eyes.
What's the worst thing you've ever done of that ilk? Well, those were pretty disgusting.
Regurgitating a goldfish.
Ohh! Was it alive? It was alive, yeah.
Oh, right.
Cos I've done that with my dinner and that's just called being sick, flower.
"Oh, the roast potatoes are still alive!" "Should've chewed them more.
" So that's the worst thing you've ever done? The thing that I quite enjoy doing, and when I went to Edinburgh, it went down quite well, I used to do this trick that you mentioned where I dropped a mouse in a food processor.
And it got blended up and then I brought it back to life.
That was the end of the trick.
But halfway through the trick, at the point at which the mouse is blended up, this lady at the back stands up and she starts swearing and she's heckling, a couple of lines or whatever, and I thought it had gone away, and then she storms the stage, gets up on the stage, all in my grill, swearing and pointing, "How dare you? That's terrible! That's so mean!" and I was like, "Come on, don't worry about it, they only cost three quid.
" You and Paul Daniels are both from Middlesbrough.
Yeah.
Do you think you could combine your powers and make Middlesbrough a bit nicer? Or maybe disappear? There's nowt wrong with it! Aw, it is a lovely place.
It is lovely.
I once did a show in Middlesbrough and I had a fancy thing on my phone where I could see if there was anything on, cos we had a bit of time to kill, so I had a look on my phone and I said, "What's to do in Middlesbrough?" and it came up, "No results.
" I was gutted cos I was on.
I can't have a magician on without you showing me a trick.
OK.
Shall we go and do some magic? Definitely.
DING! Over here! That was great! Thanks.
Do you not know how to do that? That's like step one in magic.
I can't believe you can't do that.
You had to walk across.
What a loser.
So, what have you got for us? Well, I tell you what, I'll show you a trick.
OK.
I want you to have a seat, though.
Right.
The best seat in here.
It's not a trick seat or anything, is it? No, no, no.
You just sit down.
OK.
I love a bit of sitting down.
Yeah? Sit yourself down.
Relax.
It's a trick with a newspaper.
I'm going to thumb through this, and all I ask from you and the audience and everybody at home is that you just remember something that catches your eye.
It could be a picture.
It could be a photograph.
Remember something from this particular edition.
Now, if I tore this up, you might have a good idea as to what I was going to try and do.
Not the dancing dolls.
They must have loved you on a paper round.
I'm going to tear up the pieces and I'm going to stick the pieces back together using magic.
The magic of sticky tape.
I'll take the edges of the newspaper and just squeeze, and hopefully just by squeezing the edges of the newspaper, I'll force it to fuse back together so the newspaper is back in one piece.
Check it out.
Just a magic word - shazam! It's done.
Good, cos there's a coupon in there I wanted.
Look, there's the newspaper.
There's that page There's the middle page, there's the third page, there's the front page.
That's not bad.
Oh, look at that! That is amazing! Have you got something you could teach me, though? Absolutely! I show you mine and and you just sit where you are.
I've got some bits here and I've got another chair.
We'll sit side by side.
OK.
So you know the classic card trick, this is exactly that.
But I'm doing it.
You're going to teach me.
You're going to do it to me.
And I've prepared a little bit of a script, sort of like a framework script, just to keep everything on track.
So you grab those and whenever you're ready, read the cards.
OK.
Would you like to see a trick? I'd love to see a trick! Do you have a pack of cards? I do! What a stroke of luck! That's good, cos you're a magician.
It's like asking a prostitute if she's got a wet wipe.
Put those on your lap.
When they do the "pick a card, any card," they always spread them out like that and fan them.
So you grab those and spread them out for me.
Spread out me fan.
Spread out your fan.
Legs together.
Ah, you know me well, Pete.
Pick a card, any card.
Done like a pro! All right, I'll pick a card.
Now you've got to multi-task.
Next line.
Sign your name on the card and show it to the audience.
OK.
Just pretend you're signing on, pet.
All right! We're going back to Middlesbrough.
Done.
You have to not look.
Avert your little eyes.
OK.
Don't look at anything on the things.
OK.
Have we got that? Have you all seen it? Yes! OK.
Done.
Shove the card into the deck.
Just shove it in anywhere.
It says shuffle.
Oh, shuffle! Shove it in anywhere you like, pet.
OK, so I'll cut the card into the pack.
It's lost in the middle.
Next line.
I snap my fingers and the card has vanished.
Careful, I might end up back over there.
That's brilliant.
Thanks.
I'm good at snapping.
We've got to check whether it's disappeared.
Let's go through.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no Are you going to pick them up? You've got staff, haven't you? No, no, no, it's gone! Oh, my goodness! Whoo! Incredible! What was your card? It was the six of diamonds.
Six of diamonds.
You're not going to believe this, and neither am I, because, dot, dot, dot, I'm sitting on it! You can't be! I don't believe it! Stand up! Step to the side.
There is a card! There is a card! It's my card! It's my card! Wow! Hey, and it's still warm.
Ohh.
I did do a little fart cos I was nervous.
It smells like magic.
That's all well and good, in fact, I was clearly brilliant, but real magic is when you saw someone in half.
Oooh! This looks good.
Shoes off.
Watch yourself.
Get yourself in.
Ooh, you bugger.
That's right, graceful.
Oh, God, has anybody got any butter? That's good.
I'm so graceful! Shimmy down that way.
Shimmy down.
Yep.
OK.
Lay back.
Are your hands in? Yes.
Just put them like that.
It saves time later.
Happy? Yes.
I'm not going to get you on the lady bits? Right.
I'm surprised that's shut over my boobs, actually.
That's cos half of them are under my arms.
And over here we've got Sarah's legs.
Oh, are you opening my flaps? I don't think Debbie's this rude.
And then the other stuff.
That's the boob cupboard.
This is exciting! I'm going to need a bigger saw.
Bollocks! We're going to run out of time here.
That's it for tonight.
Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about University Challenge.
I thought that was getting through freshers' week without getting the clap.
Don't Forget The Lyrics.
I really liked that special edition they did with Paul McCartney at the opening ceremony of the Olympics.
Eggheads, or as it should be called, Are You Smarter Than A 60-Year-Old? We didn't have time to talk about Can't Cook, Won't Cook.
There aren't enough TV shows that sound like an argument.
"And I won't bloody hoover, either!" Good night!