The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s01e04 Episode Script
Not Without My Daughter
Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman.
See, there I am.
That's my sister, Laura, she's nice.
That's Jay, he has a moustache.
That's Brian and Steve.
They're my gay neighbours or gaybours, as my grandma used to say.
And I took this picture of a learned Chinese man.
Some people call me on the phone.
My parents are dead.
I like cookies.
What are we doing this for? Does anyone know what this is for? Unique, New York, unique, New York.
Am I pretty enough, Daddy? Showtime.
November 9, 1942.
Peter found some crackers.
Mama says we mustn't chew too loud or the Germans may hear.
To think we were once Germans ourselves.
Well, Hitler's taken our nationality, and he's taken our humanity, but he's not gonna take our rhythm.
Sarah, stop.
Please stop.
As we tell you eveW year, you're too old to be Little Miss Rainbow.
And as I tell you every year, when I wasn't too old, this pageant screwed me over.
- Because - Because I didn't Because I didn't win.
Next, please.
Hi, I will be performing a monologue from Oliver Stone's Wall Street, starring Michael Douglas.
Well, my point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good.
Greed in all its forms.
Greed for life, money, love, knowledge.
Not bad.
And greed will save not only Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.
S.
Of A.
Stop right there, please.
You're doing a great job, but I notice there's no legal guardian signature on your entW form.
Please, sir, this is my last year of eligibility.
All I've ever wanted was to win this pageant.
Sorry.
No mommy, no pageant.
I'm her mommy.
I know what you're thinking, it's crazy.
I look like I was 10 when I had her.
Especially down there, if you know what I mean.
On my vagina.
I'm gonna be late for brunch.
What are we doing? I'm going to work.
You can walk.
Are you crazy? It's got to be, like, five blocks.
No offence, but the exercise is not gonna kill you.
And also, the next time you need a ride from me, call my cell, not 9-1-1.
"Call my cell phone, don't call 9-1-1.
" - Talk to me.
- We don't have all day, Gay-Rod.
Don't blame me.
Officer Douchebag's making me walk.
But don't worry, the score will be settled tomorrow.
I left a bomb in the police car.
Classic.
Left one of your sunrise specials? Yeah, a huge one, and it's gonna get nice and hot in the police station parking lot.
Man, you are a terror.
Well, hurry up.
Agent Falconer? We've got a situation.
- Good morning, all.
- Who's this? Well, Laura, if you must know, this is your new niece, Heather.
- My niece? - Hey, Heather.
- My real name is Sarah.
- Too confusing, baby.
It's Heather.
- Sarah, who is this little girl? - I found her.
Yeah, I gotta say, this seems like a bad idea.
Says the man who thinks tushies are for penises.
- Touché.
- "Tushie.
" Hey.
Sorry I'm late, you guys.
Who's the cute little girl? I'm her daughter.
Yeah, like I said, this is pretty messed up.
You guys, don't make a big deal about this.
Heather and I have entered a mutually beneficial relationship for one day.
I've got the brains, she's got the looks.
Together, we've got Fantastimart's Little Miss Rainbow wrapped up.
Little Miss Rainbow.
Didn't you take second place in that pageant when you were a little girl? Wow, that stung.
Yes, Laura.
That's right.
But Heather's gonna make all of that go away.
Aren't you, my little bottle of orange-flavoured cough syrup.
No carbs, sweetie.
It's Little Miss Rainbow, not Little Miss Fat Ass.
We have fun.
- It was brown and it had raisins - And we flushed it for those reasons - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song I was walking to the mall And I had to make a poop - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall - We pooped at the mall You're a little flat.
- Hello? - Hey, you called earlier? Yeah, I want you guys to come over and do some queer stuff to my daughter.
Excuse me? You know, I mean, she needs a whole makeover.
I need you guys to come over and, like, do a whole montage on her.
Make her look fabulous and stuff.
Sarah, being gay doesn't make you genetically able to do makeovers.
And besides, do Steve and I seem at all fashionable to you? No, you guys look horrible.
I thought that was just, like, you know, "The shoemaker's son has bare feet" kind of thing.
I guess.
All right.
Hold on a second.
- Oh, my God! - Hello? Goodbye.
You know, I've never got along this well with anyone before.
The nuns at the orphanage said I was selfish and inconsiderate.
But it really doesn't seem to matter to you.
I'm sorry, I zoned out.
Did you say something that will help us win? - What's going on? - You tell me.
Where's the bomb? What bomb? Why don't we discuss this over cocktails? Good, do it better.
Like, tap prettier.
- I'm getting kind of tired.
- Good, use that.
- Hello? - Hey, Sarah.
So, how's your little star doing? She's okay, she's just She doesn't have the goods.
She's just not me.
What are you talking about? She's a lovely, amazing, talented, beautiful All right, good to talk to you.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye, gotta go.
That's weird.
I don't hear any tapping.
I'm done tapping.
"She doesn't have the goods?" Excuse me? What do you know about talent? You're unemployed, single, over 30, and you severely overestimate your cuteness.
I choose to be over 30.
You can take that Little Miss Rainbow Pageant and shove it up your Maybe I will! Maybe I will.
What did you inject us with? Sodium Amytal.
To help jog the memory.
All right.
You call this bomb a "sunrise special.
" What does that mean? I don't know, it means not so silent but very deadly.
- Oh, yeah.
- Is it biological or nuclear? Both! - He's defenceless! - No, today is too important for that.
- Why would he do that? - Agent Romano, not again.
- I'm so glad I found the right door.
- All right, little girl.
- Such a blessing.
- My name's Heather.
- Heather, what a pretty name.
- Why, thank you.
This is how you run away? With the Jenkinses next door? Sarah, we were so blessed to find this little child today.
Jim and I are unable to conceive.
We prayed every day for the Lord to bring us our own little baby.
And today, the doorbell rang.
It's a miracle.
All right, I get it, I'm demanding.
I'm annoying sometimes.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I just I think we really have a shot at this if we work together.
Well, they're gonna buy me a pony.
- Now, sweetie, we never said that.
- Okay, let's go.
But we were gonna adopt her! - You snooze, you lose.
- To the Jews.
What is that supposed to mean? Let's go over this again.
- How many megatons? - I don't know I had leftover Indian food for breakfast.
Indian food? What does that mean? We don't know what that means.
It means the bomb I left in that car is probably the biggest one I've ever laid in my life.
- Favourite book and why.
- The Bible, because it teaches love.
- Your solution to global warming? - Taking time to smile.
Your biggest hero.
Sarah Silverman.
- Silly, Harriet Tubman.
- Who's that? I don't know.
She was, like, the first black bus driver or something.
The girl who beat me used it.
Yeah, I think you're ready.
I'm gonna make you proud of me.
Sweetie, I'm already proud of you.
All you can do is make me un-proud.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Fantastimart's 34th Annual Little Miss Rainbow Pageant.
Little Miss You're Fantastimart's rainbow queen Sweeter than any candy-filled pie - This pageant is yours.
Say it.
- This pageant is mine.
Well, aren't you just adorable.
- You look just like a little candy bar.
- Thanks.
What a pathetic attempt at a psych-out.
I wouldn't worry about it, sweetie.
Overbites are hereditary.
Her daughter probably looks like a horse.
Sweetie, I want to tell you something.
You are the single most talented, beautiful little girl within the unfair age limits of this contest, and I am honoured to call you my daughter.
But what I would rather call you is my winner.
So go out there and do what you gotta do to make that happen for me.
- I will.
- Hugs are for winners, sweetie.
Tempting dream So young but so enchanting See her gleam For those just joining us, what we know right now is that a bomb has been planted inside a patrol car.
The suspects claim to have "really squeaked a henry this time.
" Though the term has caused some confusion with ballistics experts, authorities are describing the situation as extremely dangerous.
Now, I figure you guys may be crazy, but you're not suicidal.
So you're gonna walk us through this nice and easy, all right? - Sure.
- Whatever you want.
All right, where is the device that triggers the bomb? Look, man, you just lay the bomb and get out fast, close the door, and the next guy in the car gets a face full of it.
- Haven't you ever done this before? - Yeah, I've done this before, asswipe.
All right, Team Echo, proceed to the package with extreme caution.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch Like me I once was lost But now am found Was blind But now I see Fantastic, absolutely wonderful.
And now, for our final round of the Fantastimart Little Miss Rainbow Pageant thing, let's hear from Amber.
Your question, if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be and why? I would stop all war, including the one we're in right now.
- Yes! - Bad move, Amber.
I suppose it's a controversial answer, but I'd rather be an honest loser than a lying winner.
I think America is the greatest civilisation in histoW.
We outlawed slavery and created the United Nations.
America is as idealistic as it is strong.
And it's the burden of any countW that believes in peace to show the world that peace is possible.
Thank you.
I can't follow that.
I give up.
Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up.
About 10 years ago, I got pregnant, and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby.
And for about eight and a half months, I listened to them, until finally, I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say, "Get this thing out of me.
" And let me tell you something, having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do.
It took hours.
I had to physically push the foetus out of me, and when it came out, it was crying and covered in this, like, gooky stuff.
I didn't have the money to pay, so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color because that's what was funny back then.
Heather, you have a choice.
You can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you for the rest of your life, or you could go out there and have the abortion of your dreams.
So what's it gonna be? Last call for Heather Silverman.
Your question, who is your biggest hero and why? My biggest hero is Harriet Tubman.
My biggest hero is Well, myself, because I'm real good at drawing, I can sing and I'm pretty smart.
You might say that I'm smarter than my own biological mother, because she didn't realise a great opportunity when she had one.
She just left me at that hospital.
But I guess if I saw her now, I could tell her that That I've done pretty good without her.
And now that I've realised that, I'm already a winner.
So give that crown to that beautiful blonde princess over there, who went before me.
It'll help prepare her for the real world, where people like her get everything they want anyway.
But I believe with all my heart that you're looking at an honest-to-gosh winner.
What kind of mother would just leave her baby at the hospital? Oh, my God.
She might win.
And the winner of this year's Fantastimart Little Miss Rainbow Pageant is Little Miss Heather Silverman! Little Miss You're Fantastimart's rainbow queen Sweeter than any candy-filled pie Button nose And hair as fragrant as a single rose Heaven knows Little Miss Rainbow is the single highest honour any woman without boobs can ever get.
So I've been thinking a lot about us.
I've been thinking that, you know, we could become a family.
I could adopt you, we could spend so much time together, we could win a lot of pageants.
So what do you think, daughter? Awesome.
Look, things are kind of taking off for me now.
That guy over there is from the Gap Kids catalogue.
I might have to go to London.
Well, I'm just saying I'm saying goodbye.
Good luck with whatever you do next.
I'm sure you'll I'm sure you'll Good luck.
Come on.
Thank you.
- Sorry we're late.
- Yeah.
You wouldn't believe what happened to us today.
Did you lose a daughter? No.
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Yeah, you've had a rough day.
You guys can stay if you want.
I learned a lot today, Doug.
I learned that everybody has a hole to fill in their heart, but you can't fill it with a kid because they'll just stomp on it and stretch it out and make it impossible to fill in the future.
My father told me something before he died, and it's true.
I never realised until today, but it's true.
Kids are dicks.
Good night, Doug.
Where's the bomb? It's at the airport.
Okay, before we begin, I am legally required to now ask.
Are we talking about a fart? - It was brown and it had raisins - And we flushed it for those reasons - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song I was walking to the mall And I had to make a poop - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall - We pooped at the mall
See, there I am.
That's my sister, Laura, she's nice.
That's Jay, he has a moustache.
That's Brian and Steve.
They're my gay neighbours or gaybours, as my grandma used to say.
And I took this picture of a learned Chinese man.
Some people call me on the phone.
My parents are dead.
I like cookies.
What are we doing this for? Does anyone know what this is for? Unique, New York, unique, New York.
Am I pretty enough, Daddy? Showtime.
November 9, 1942.
Peter found some crackers.
Mama says we mustn't chew too loud or the Germans may hear.
To think we were once Germans ourselves.
Well, Hitler's taken our nationality, and he's taken our humanity, but he's not gonna take our rhythm.
Sarah, stop.
Please stop.
As we tell you eveW year, you're too old to be Little Miss Rainbow.
And as I tell you every year, when I wasn't too old, this pageant screwed me over.
- Because - Because I didn't Because I didn't win.
Next, please.
Hi, I will be performing a monologue from Oliver Stone's Wall Street, starring Michael Douglas.
Well, my point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good.
Greed in all its forms.
Greed for life, money, love, knowledge.
Not bad.
And greed will save not only Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.
S.
Of A.
Stop right there, please.
You're doing a great job, but I notice there's no legal guardian signature on your entW form.
Please, sir, this is my last year of eligibility.
All I've ever wanted was to win this pageant.
Sorry.
No mommy, no pageant.
I'm her mommy.
I know what you're thinking, it's crazy.
I look like I was 10 when I had her.
Especially down there, if you know what I mean.
On my vagina.
I'm gonna be late for brunch.
What are we doing? I'm going to work.
You can walk.
Are you crazy? It's got to be, like, five blocks.
No offence, but the exercise is not gonna kill you.
And also, the next time you need a ride from me, call my cell, not 9-1-1.
"Call my cell phone, don't call 9-1-1.
" - Talk to me.
- We don't have all day, Gay-Rod.
Don't blame me.
Officer Douchebag's making me walk.
But don't worry, the score will be settled tomorrow.
I left a bomb in the police car.
Classic.
Left one of your sunrise specials? Yeah, a huge one, and it's gonna get nice and hot in the police station parking lot.
Man, you are a terror.
Well, hurry up.
Agent Falconer? We've got a situation.
- Good morning, all.
- Who's this? Well, Laura, if you must know, this is your new niece, Heather.
- My niece? - Hey, Heather.
- My real name is Sarah.
- Too confusing, baby.
It's Heather.
- Sarah, who is this little girl? - I found her.
Yeah, I gotta say, this seems like a bad idea.
Says the man who thinks tushies are for penises.
- Touché.
- "Tushie.
" Hey.
Sorry I'm late, you guys.
Who's the cute little girl? I'm her daughter.
Yeah, like I said, this is pretty messed up.
You guys, don't make a big deal about this.
Heather and I have entered a mutually beneficial relationship for one day.
I've got the brains, she's got the looks.
Together, we've got Fantastimart's Little Miss Rainbow wrapped up.
Little Miss Rainbow.
Didn't you take second place in that pageant when you were a little girl? Wow, that stung.
Yes, Laura.
That's right.
But Heather's gonna make all of that go away.
Aren't you, my little bottle of orange-flavoured cough syrup.
No carbs, sweetie.
It's Little Miss Rainbow, not Little Miss Fat Ass.
We have fun.
- It was brown and it had raisins - And we flushed it for those reasons - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song I was walking to the mall And I had to make a poop - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall - We pooped at the mall You're a little flat.
- Hello? - Hey, you called earlier? Yeah, I want you guys to come over and do some queer stuff to my daughter.
Excuse me? You know, I mean, she needs a whole makeover.
I need you guys to come over and, like, do a whole montage on her.
Make her look fabulous and stuff.
Sarah, being gay doesn't make you genetically able to do makeovers.
And besides, do Steve and I seem at all fashionable to you? No, you guys look horrible.
I thought that was just, like, you know, "The shoemaker's son has bare feet" kind of thing.
I guess.
All right.
Hold on a second.
- Oh, my God! - Hello? Goodbye.
You know, I've never got along this well with anyone before.
The nuns at the orphanage said I was selfish and inconsiderate.
But it really doesn't seem to matter to you.
I'm sorry, I zoned out.
Did you say something that will help us win? - What's going on? - You tell me.
Where's the bomb? What bomb? Why don't we discuss this over cocktails? Good, do it better.
Like, tap prettier.
- I'm getting kind of tired.
- Good, use that.
- Hello? - Hey, Sarah.
So, how's your little star doing? She's okay, she's just She doesn't have the goods.
She's just not me.
What are you talking about? She's a lovely, amazing, talented, beautiful All right, good to talk to you.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye, gotta go.
That's weird.
I don't hear any tapping.
I'm done tapping.
"She doesn't have the goods?" Excuse me? What do you know about talent? You're unemployed, single, over 30, and you severely overestimate your cuteness.
I choose to be over 30.
You can take that Little Miss Rainbow Pageant and shove it up your Maybe I will! Maybe I will.
What did you inject us with? Sodium Amytal.
To help jog the memory.
All right.
You call this bomb a "sunrise special.
" What does that mean? I don't know, it means not so silent but very deadly.
- Oh, yeah.
- Is it biological or nuclear? Both! - He's defenceless! - No, today is too important for that.
- Why would he do that? - Agent Romano, not again.
- I'm so glad I found the right door.
- All right, little girl.
- Such a blessing.
- My name's Heather.
- Heather, what a pretty name.
- Why, thank you.
This is how you run away? With the Jenkinses next door? Sarah, we were so blessed to find this little child today.
Jim and I are unable to conceive.
We prayed every day for the Lord to bring us our own little baby.
And today, the doorbell rang.
It's a miracle.
All right, I get it, I'm demanding.
I'm annoying sometimes.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I just I think we really have a shot at this if we work together.
Well, they're gonna buy me a pony.
- Now, sweetie, we never said that.
- Okay, let's go.
But we were gonna adopt her! - You snooze, you lose.
- To the Jews.
What is that supposed to mean? Let's go over this again.
- How many megatons? - I don't know I had leftover Indian food for breakfast.
Indian food? What does that mean? We don't know what that means.
It means the bomb I left in that car is probably the biggest one I've ever laid in my life.
- Favourite book and why.
- The Bible, because it teaches love.
- Your solution to global warming? - Taking time to smile.
Your biggest hero.
Sarah Silverman.
- Silly, Harriet Tubman.
- Who's that? I don't know.
She was, like, the first black bus driver or something.
The girl who beat me used it.
Yeah, I think you're ready.
I'm gonna make you proud of me.
Sweetie, I'm already proud of you.
All you can do is make me un-proud.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Fantastimart's 34th Annual Little Miss Rainbow Pageant.
Little Miss You're Fantastimart's rainbow queen Sweeter than any candy-filled pie - This pageant is yours.
Say it.
- This pageant is mine.
Well, aren't you just adorable.
- You look just like a little candy bar.
- Thanks.
What a pathetic attempt at a psych-out.
I wouldn't worry about it, sweetie.
Overbites are hereditary.
Her daughter probably looks like a horse.
Sweetie, I want to tell you something.
You are the single most talented, beautiful little girl within the unfair age limits of this contest, and I am honoured to call you my daughter.
But what I would rather call you is my winner.
So go out there and do what you gotta do to make that happen for me.
- I will.
- Hugs are for winners, sweetie.
Tempting dream So young but so enchanting See her gleam For those just joining us, what we know right now is that a bomb has been planted inside a patrol car.
The suspects claim to have "really squeaked a henry this time.
" Though the term has caused some confusion with ballistics experts, authorities are describing the situation as extremely dangerous.
Now, I figure you guys may be crazy, but you're not suicidal.
So you're gonna walk us through this nice and easy, all right? - Sure.
- Whatever you want.
All right, where is the device that triggers the bomb? Look, man, you just lay the bomb and get out fast, close the door, and the next guy in the car gets a face full of it.
- Haven't you ever done this before? - Yeah, I've done this before, asswipe.
All right, Team Echo, proceed to the package with extreme caution.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch Like me I once was lost But now am found Was blind But now I see Fantastic, absolutely wonderful.
And now, for our final round of the Fantastimart Little Miss Rainbow Pageant thing, let's hear from Amber.
Your question, if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be and why? I would stop all war, including the one we're in right now.
- Yes! - Bad move, Amber.
I suppose it's a controversial answer, but I'd rather be an honest loser than a lying winner.
I think America is the greatest civilisation in histoW.
We outlawed slavery and created the United Nations.
America is as idealistic as it is strong.
And it's the burden of any countW that believes in peace to show the world that peace is possible.
Thank you.
I can't follow that.
I give up.
Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up.
About 10 years ago, I got pregnant, and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby.
And for about eight and a half months, I listened to them, until finally, I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say, "Get this thing out of me.
" And let me tell you something, having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do.
It took hours.
I had to physically push the foetus out of me, and when it came out, it was crying and covered in this, like, gooky stuff.
I didn't have the money to pay, so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color because that's what was funny back then.
Heather, you have a choice.
You can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you for the rest of your life, or you could go out there and have the abortion of your dreams.
So what's it gonna be? Last call for Heather Silverman.
Your question, who is your biggest hero and why? My biggest hero is Harriet Tubman.
My biggest hero is Well, myself, because I'm real good at drawing, I can sing and I'm pretty smart.
You might say that I'm smarter than my own biological mother, because she didn't realise a great opportunity when she had one.
She just left me at that hospital.
But I guess if I saw her now, I could tell her that That I've done pretty good without her.
And now that I've realised that, I'm already a winner.
So give that crown to that beautiful blonde princess over there, who went before me.
It'll help prepare her for the real world, where people like her get everything they want anyway.
But I believe with all my heart that you're looking at an honest-to-gosh winner.
What kind of mother would just leave her baby at the hospital? Oh, my God.
She might win.
And the winner of this year's Fantastimart Little Miss Rainbow Pageant is Little Miss Heather Silverman! Little Miss You're Fantastimart's rainbow queen Sweeter than any candy-filled pie Button nose And hair as fragrant as a single rose Heaven knows Little Miss Rainbow is the single highest honour any woman without boobs can ever get.
So I've been thinking a lot about us.
I've been thinking that, you know, we could become a family.
I could adopt you, we could spend so much time together, we could win a lot of pageants.
So what do you think, daughter? Awesome.
Look, things are kind of taking off for me now.
That guy over there is from the Gap Kids catalogue.
I might have to go to London.
Well, I'm just saying I'm saying goodbye.
Good luck with whatever you do next.
I'm sure you'll I'm sure you'll Good luck.
Come on.
Thank you.
- Sorry we're late.
- Yeah.
You wouldn't believe what happened to us today.
Did you lose a daughter? No.
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Yeah, you've had a rough day.
You guys can stay if you want.
I learned a lot today, Doug.
I learned that everybody has a hole to fill in their heart, but you can't fill it with a kid because they'll just stomp on it and stretch it out and make it impossible to fill in the future.
My father told me something before he died, and it's true.
I never realised until today, but it's true.
Kids are dicks.
Good night, Doug.
Where's the bomb? It's at the airport.
Okay, before we begin, I am legally required to now ask.
Are we talking about a fart? - It was brown and it had raisins - And we flushed it for those reasons - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song I was walking to the mall And I had to make a poop - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - This is a poop song - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall today - We pooped at the mall - We pooped at the mall