The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s03e08 Episode Script

Just Breve

- Ahh! - Aah! - Blehh! - Okay.
Ahh! Come in here now, children.
Don't be shy.
You're all probably wondering how old Sarah silverman Got to be this here way.
Well, now I seen a lot of crazy things Living here in valley village.
But the craziest thing I ever seen Happened the day I went blind.
Now, I musta passed that tanning salon Every day on my way to brunch.
But on this particular August day in July, Curiosity got the best of me.
What perplexed me to no end Was the double-sided spoony thing they gave me.
Now these days a person can't be too careful With the skin cancer.
I laid me down with both my back and front butts protected.
What happened next Ain't nobody could have prognostified.
Ahh! Ain't never seen a rainbow since.
Meanwhile, it just so happens that and angel and a turd Were about to have one of them movie nights Smack-dab in the afternoon.
Okay, boogens, what do you want to see? We got red dawn.
We got episode 52 of jag.
We have quite literally everything here.
- Honey.
- Yeah? I was thinking That maybe tonight We could do something a little bit different.
Mm, okay, sounds fun.
What? I was thinking that maybe we could rent An adult movie.
On golden pond? - no.
- Ordinary people? No, Jay a sex movie.
Pfft! - Uh-huh.
- Hi, I'm baby-man.
Come on down to fan-tasti-mart And get yourself some baby-man diapers.
My prices are infantile.
Just ask my son, baby-man Jr.
Yeah! I want a baby.
Baby what? A baby us.
Last time I checked, our downstairs plumbing Doesn't really qualify for baby-making.
Brian, we can adopt.
After generator's bicycle seat accident, He and Monica adopted wan-kim.
Come on, man, we're two dope-smoking gay nerds.
What adoption agency is gonna be nuts enough To let us have a kid? It's not fair! I want a baby, Brian, and I'm not gonna be happy Until I get one! Now you don't have to be Mandy patinkin On a month of sundays to know that old Steve Is being what they call unreasonable.
But sometimes unreasonability Gives birth to a greater purpose.
Wow, a lot of colors.
Ha! This is funny.
Check out these titles.
Beverly hills shlong.
Silence of the pubes.
Assy boob-weiner and the sticky cricket Poop on a cake? It's amazing how rich and diverse Human sexuality is.
Yeah, but, I mean, I wonder who watches this stuff? Oh, hey, Laura! Hi.
Oh, hi.
It's good to see you again.
What a minute.
How does he know your name? Oh, I come in here all the time.
A few months ago I was in here giving flu shots.
Oh, oh.
On break, I browsed around.
I found I was interested in some of the video films Specializing in gentlemen who use their penises To have anal intercourse with costars of the same gender.
I noticed that this act Creates an expansion Of the male's anal circumference.
It's much like-- have you seen flipper? His blowhole looks like a man's expanded orifice.
I found myself frequently desiring To see the end result of prolonged insertion In a man's "blowhole.
" Steve.
It's 3:33 in the morning.
What are you doing? Spitting in the face of God.
Come again? What kind of cruel deity Would create a man with the want to have a baby But without the means to create one? Guess what, Brian.
Tonight I am God! Say hello To our baby.
ah! Wah! Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no! No! He-- Oh! Oh, Steve.
What the hell is wrong with you? Hell.
Hey, pal.
It's me.
Haven't talked in a while.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, my goofy-looking soul mate Is trying to do something really stupid again.
I know he's a bonehead, But I love him.
Could you do me a favor And help me make his face happy again? Out of my way, Brian.
I'm throwing away my dreams.
Sorry, Steve.
I wish I could have--what? Daddies! I love you.
Thanks, satan.
He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
What do you want to name him? Breve.
Let's call him "Breve.
" Whatever you want, buddy.
oh, my God.
- Daddy.
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, dude.
- Daddy.
Mm-mm, if crazy were pajamas, I'd be in bed right now.
Hey, we should think about college.
Breve's gonna need every advantage.
I'll get another job.
Well, after I get the first one.
You think people will accept brBreve? After you kidding me? How could anyone not love our little Breve.
Ahh! Buddy.
God, help.
Hey! Hey! Kenny Chesney, no! No, kenny Chesney.
No, kenny Chesney.
Your dog's name is kenny Chesney? I let him pick it.
He's really into pup culture.
Hey, aren't you our mailman? That I be.
And I do realize the irony of a mailman Owning a big scary dog.
And I guess that's why everybody at the post office Calls me "weird Nathan.
" 'cause I'm weird.
I'm sorry that kenny Chesney Barked at your little gobot.
But he is kind of a queer-lookin' thing.
Excuse me? Easy, Steve.
He didn't-- No, no, no.
Queer thing? What are you trying to say, mailman? - Nothing, I just was-- - oh, I get it.
I'm sorry my husband and I have a baby.
It's my fault.
I thought this was the 21st century! Come on, Breve.
Let's go.
How's your garlic chicken? Good.
How'd you make it? I put garlic on the chicken.
Ever since the adult store, You can't even look me in the eye.
I thought we could be honest And not have secrets.
I guess I was wrong.
Oh, we can.
It's just that right now I'm in shock, And whenever I look at you all I see is a man's anus.
Wait, Laura, Laura, Laura, that came out wrong.
Dessert's in the freezer.
No, Laura, Laura, Laura.
Laura! You like that? Oh! Whoa.
Dude! good one.
That was awesome.
I'm so proud of you.
What is-- You all right, sweetie? Oh.
Don't get up.
Oh, hey, weird.
Good day.
Here's your mail.
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
We'll talk to you later.
You guys haven't seen kenny Chesney around? His chain somehow got cut last night, And I haven't been able to find him anywhere.
Maybe the cats got him.
They are enemies.
Gosh, I hope not.
That dog is like the boy that I never had.
And I won't stop until I find out what happened to him.
When I find the people that are responsible, They will get hurt, And very likely their family.
Ahh! What's the matter, Breve? You scared of the thunder? You want to come sleep with daddy and daddy? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
Here we go.
You know, when my parents disowned me for being gay, I just felt so empty inside.
But now that we have a baby, I just feel so whole.
Me too.
He makes my giggle muscles sing.
I just wish I had a family to share him with.
Steve, you've got all the family you need.
Hey, let's throw a welcoming party for Breve So all our friends can meet our baby.
Perfect family.
Oh, smells like somebody needs a diaper change.
Sorry about that.
Gambled and lost.
Now I don't know but I been told Eskimo poufy be mighty, mighty cold.
But that temperature ain't nothing compared To the harsh reality about to be inflicted On our very own valley village.
Wow, I am so proud of you, Breve.
Oh, my God.
What have you done? Oh, hi there.
Steve myron, right? Um, hello? Agent schroeder, FBI.
Do you mind if I come in? Oh, uh, FBI? What's this about? Routine investigation.
You know a guy they call weird Nathan? I wouldn't say I know him.
He's our mailman.
Why? He's dead.
Yeah, somebody was kind enough to yank his head off.
So-- What's this? What's going on here? This? It's--poof.
You know? Was Nathan here yesterday? Yeah, okay? He said his dog, kenny Chesney, was missing, And he was asking everybody, not just us, If they'd seen him, okay? That's it, all right? So if you'll excuse me, I have a get-together I need to get together for.
Full-grown man getting his head pulled off like that.
Whoever did it must have been Inhumanly strong.
Well, sorry to be a bummer.
But if you see/hear anything, You let me know, okay? Oh, darling, sweetie, honey.
We need to talk.
I've been a double-judger, And that's not fair.
What do you mean? I have a secret too.
Come with me.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are we going? Now Jay reckoned in the old game of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine," It was his turn to be exposing hisself.
Well, here it is.
My secret.
So now you know I'm into trains.
Hey, Jay.
You are so cute for thinking This is as dark of a secret as mine.
I am so relieved, Laura.
You were right.
Love means having no secrets.
Jay, not here, I-- What are you-- what-- Whoo! Whoo! - What-- - come on! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, my God.
- Whoo! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Ohh! - Oh, my God! And I still say the dumbest thing about that man Is his moustache.
Hey, Breve.
Hey, buddy, how's that cake? Thanks for uppin' the yard, generator.
No problem.
You guys sure got a cute kid.
I don't understand, okay? We shared our secrets.
It's supposed to bring us closer.
Now you won't even look at me.
When I look at you, all I can see is Here comes the train.
Whoo-whoo! Chug-a, chug-a, chug-a, chug-a, chug-a.
Good boy.
- Huh? Huh? - Yeah, right.
Oh! Nobody move! FBI! Oh! Oh! This is a private party.
Back up, myron.
Forensics match that thing's prints On the body of weird Nathan.
What's going on? What's going on? That machine is under arrest For murder! Stay the hell away from my son! Ow! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm a cop.
What are you doing? - Get those people back! - Take it easy.
Take it easy.
Daddies? You're in charge of the African American man.
He is yours.
Daddies? Perimeter immediately! Get those people back.
Goddamn it! Take him down! What the heck, dude? I just met you.
Look out! Ahh! Laura! Jay! Laura.
I can't live without you, Jay mcphereson.
You can put the whole world up your ass for all I care.
Mama! Mama! Ahh! No, no, please.
No, Breve, no! Please, please.
No! - No.
- Stop, Breve.
- It's your daddies.
- No, Breve.
- No, buddy.
- Breve, no.
- It's daddy and daddy! - Stop! No! I hope someone's tivoing this.
I'm blind today.
Trap two, where's my goddamn backup? No, Breve.
We love you.
We love you.
Tits! What's the matter, Breve? You scared of the thunder? Breve.
Breve sorry.
It's okay, Breve.
It's okay, buddy.
sounds like the sky is falling in they say that this could be the end Come out with the baby Or we blow everything in the shed away.
Even if they play ball, Open fire as soon as you see robot.
What are we gonna do, Brian? Die a family.
No, Breve, no.
No, Breve, no! no! Well, that's the end of my story, children.
Not quite sure what the lesson is.
Maybe it's that there always gonna be someone With a dark secret even more "ridonkulous" than yours.
How you deal with it Tells what kind of person you are.
And what of the two orange goliaths That dared to be fathersrs? Maybe Steve and Brian should have left well enough alone.
I like to think the lesson was It's better to have loved and lost Than never to have-- Oh, my God, I can see.
Ah, that is so wild.
Put these on.
You'll think you're blind.
You okay? Yeah, I'm good.
Even though he's gone, I don't feel empty.
I'm gonna miss him.
So am I.
this is the first day of my life swear I was born right in the doorway I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed they're spreading blankets on the beach yours is the first face that I saw I'm a blind woman baby Oh, yeah? can't see nothing for these eyes Take your time, baby.
all these situations, God knows my sights damn been circumcised