The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s03e10 Episode Script


[classical music] - Aah! Both: Aah! - Aah! - [Grunts] Aah! [siren wailing] Ew, gross.
Where did you get that bone? Look, if you want to lick something gross, you're gonna have to settle for your boring, old anus like the rest of us.
We're in a recession.
Wherever you got that thing, take it back now.
[Door closes] - [Growls] - Brian? - Yeah.
- We're literally doing nothing.
- Well, we only do three things.
We've already done the things we usually do.
I guess we could start over.
- What happened to you, Brian? You used to be so impulsive.
You would've thrown water balloons out the window or--or rented a dumb chick flick for us to make fun of.
Come on.
You've got to miss that part of yourself.
Bring it back.
Do something impulsive.
- [Sighs] - Did you tell Sarah the news? - Oh, it's nothing.
- Nothing? What, have you flipped your lid or something? Come on, tell her.
- Well, I'm creating a holocaust memorial for valley village.
- How adorable is that? [laughs] - Why would you have a memorial for something that never happened? - That's not funny, Sarah.
You know, a joke like that just demonstrates that you don't understand what it really means to be a jew.
- Hmm.
- I think I know what it means to be Jewish, Laura.
Check this out.
Excuse me? These pancakes are ishy.
- Laura is right.
You really should be more interested in the holocaust.
I mean, I'm not even a jew, and I love the holocaust.
- Hmm.
- Uh, love reading about it, because it's so interesting and stuff-- the things that happened.
- You know, you should really think about becoming more invested in our history.
You know, there's a great class that you can take-- - oh, yawn! Kippur! You know, Laura, I am getting extremely bored at you, and I will not tolerate it.
Never again! [Horns honking] - What's holding you up? - What is the problem? [Honking continues] - Get out of the road! - Murray! What are you, out of your mind? You think you're so cool, you can just pull up in the middle of the street and block traffic? - I never claimed to be cool, Sarah.
My battery's dead.
- Oh.
I can help you, Murray.
- Aah! - I'm just saying, if you rediscovered the old you and tried something impulsive, it might get us out of our rut.
We could add something new to our repertoire.
We could find the next pot or--or food or couch.
- [Sighs] - Oh, hey, it's Jay.
- Hey, you want to see me be [Sarcastically] Impulsive? - [Laughing] [Muffled] No! Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
[Continues laughing] [Stops laughing] - [Gasps] - You boys have a problem? - No, uh-uh.
- Dude! - You "dude"! - Thanks for the help, Sarah, although that experience nearly gave me a heart attack.
- Why? [Gasps] Oh, wait.
You're, like, crazy old, aren't you? Ooh! Okay, have you ever heard of the holocaust? - Of course.
I was at Auschwitz.
- No way! Awesome! - Yeah, actually, it was pretty unpleasant.
- Right.
No, of course.
Trust me, I know.
It ruined my breakfast.
I want to know everything you know about the holocaust.
I'm really interested in being seen as being interested in it.
- I don't want to talk about the holocaust.
- Oh, come on, Murray.
I saved your life.
[Baby talk] Pwease, muwway.
Pwease tell me about the howocaust.
- All right! - Yay! Okay, let's see [Grunts] Do you have one of those, like, holocaust-y tattoos? - Yes, but I don't want to show it.
- Okay, moving on.
Uh, like, what was it like in Auschwitz? - It was horrible.
- "Auschwitz Horrible.
" L-e.
This is great.
- We will be unveiling a beautiful commemorative plaque made entirely of recovered nazi gold, which will honor the ancestors and valley village residents who were lost in the holocaust.
- Yeah, can you imagine how angry the nazis would be if they knew where their gold ended up? I mean, Hitler would be like [Imitating old man] "Darn it, where's my darn gold!" - So we invite everyone to join us at-- - so I invite everyone in valley village to join me at the sports lodge, where I'm gonna be unveiling my very own holocaust erection.
And that's a real word for a real thing.
It's gonna be amazing.
I've got a real person who was at Auschwitz.
Plus, we have a dunk tank.
Plus, we've got a lion.
Rarr! It's gonna be great.
Don't be fooled by imitation holocaust memorials.
Come to mine--sarah silverman's holocaust memorial.
Auschwitz? You'll be saying, "wowschwitz!" - You know, Sarah, it's not a competition.
- That's what losers say.
I'm gonna bury you, silverman.
You're gonna wish the holocaust never happened.
- Knock, knock, Murray! You're gonna be a star! I'm putting you in my holocaust memorial.
- What? Sarah, you uhould've asked me first.
- You're totally right.
My bad.
I'll know for next time.
- Oy, this is awkward.
Sarah, I was there.
But I wasn't a prisoner.
- But you said you had a tattoo.
- [Gasps] Oh, my God.
They made you get that? - No, Sarah.
I played for the other team.
- Oh, you're gay.
- You don't understand, which at this point, I don't understand.
I was a nazi.
I hated the nazis, but they gave me orders, and I followed them.
I was a nazi.
I wake up screaming every night.
- I'm sorry.
I was a million miles away.
What'd you say-- you're cold? - Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal, you sockdologizng old mantrap.
- [Laughs] [gunshot] - Here, you hold on to it.
- No way.
I don't want my fingerprints anywhere near it.
Let's destroy it.
- How do you destroy a gun, anyway-- shoot it with another gun? Maybe we should just keep it.
Maybe we should just go to fan-tasti-mart and use the gun to shoot up their surveillance-tape machine so it can't be traced.
That seems like the only reasonable course of action.
- What are we-- Thelma and Louise? [Knock at door] [Thunder booms] - Hello, Murray.
- Commandant Von reichenstein? What brings you here, sir? [Playing piano off-key] - I understand you're participating in a holocaust memorial.
- [Chuckles] Well, yes.
I agreed to pose as a survivor, because I owe this young woman, Sarah silverman, for saving my life.
Can you imagine? A jew saves my life, and I repay her by pretending to be a victim of the nazis.
[Laughs] It's really rather comedic when you think about it.
- Nein.
You have made it possible for us to score a final point against the jews.
- How? - What do jews love more than anything else? - Their grandchildren.
- Nein.
- Curb your enthusiasm.
- Money! They hate losing it.
We are going to raid the unveiling ceremony at the valley village sports lodge and steal the commemorative plaque made from our gold.
- Commandant, why is this so important now? - Because! The nazis aren't scary anymore.
It's time we reinvented the nazis, like friday the 13th and battlestar Galactica.
- Commandant, I'm not-- - stop disobeying my orders! And do what I tell you! - Yes, sir.
- For per chance we shall remember, lest we forget.
Let us please now observe a moment of silence.
[Laughter] - Yes! Whoo! Oh! Oh, one more, one more! [Indistinct chatter] Yes! Aha! Repeat.
[laughs] Hey, sis.
You were right.
It's not a competition.
I win.
[Llama braying] - Oh, thought you had a lion.
- You don't worry about it.
- Where do you want me? - Dunk tank.
Sexy hitler--isn't that cute? Make it fun.
- Is there anything in your memorial that actually Oh, I don't know, memorializes the victims? - Yeah.
Check this out.
And before I say, "boo-yah," observe.
[laughs] - What is it? - What do you mean "what is it"? What are Jewish people most known for? - Appreciating the arts? - Yeah, I don't get it.
- You don't get it? You don't get it? - Why is it a runny nose? - It's a crying nose.
- Why wouldn't it just be an eye? - That would make much more sense.
- Jesus! Is anything okay with you people? Murray's here! Hey, everybody, look, it's Murray! He was in the holocaust, the real one.
[Light applause] Yay! [Whip cracks] [Whip cracks] [Man grunting] [Whip cracks] - Autographs, Sarah? This doesn't really feel appropriate? - Says the nazi war criminal.
- [Sighs] [Llama braying] - Hey, big nose, stop poking the llama.
[Indistinct chatter] This is not for you to feed.
He is not a toy.
He is a reminder of the holocaust and the suffering of the jews.
That is what the llama is here for.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Let the rebooting of the third reich begin.
[Gun cocks] [Gunfire] [Woman screams] Achtung! We are taking over! Everyone stand back! - Murray, you used me? - Are you sure this is the right thing to do? - Yeah.
We have to get rid of this thing.
- Shouldn't we say something first? - It's a gun, not a goldfish, ding-dong.
- Ding-dong? - Yeah, I know.
I'm trying to bring it back.
[Siren wailing, tires screech] [Both laughing] - You should've seen your guys' faces.
Oh, my God.
That was great! I love doing practical goof-'em-ups.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, hey, this is my new, uh, temporary partner, officer leach.
- Hey You guys look familiar.
- That's weird.
You've never seen us before.
Has anybody ever told you two that you look alike? - At least from the back.
- Are you crazy? If banana cop suspects anything, we're dead.
[Radio static] - All units, all units-- armed robbery and kidnapping at valley village sports lodge.
- Sports lodge? That's where Laura is.
Oh, my gosh.
We got to go.
Uh, see you, guys.
It's a good day to be a cop.
Let's get in here.
All right.
Let's turn it on.
Let's go.
[Siren wailing] - Dude Banana cop is heading into a hostage situation with a banana.
- We got to get his gun back to him, or we're bad people.
- I know.
He could die.
Of course, now we could die.
- I was so focused on us just doing something, and now look where it's gotten us.
- We should never do anything ever again.
- Come on, let's hurry up and get that thing back to banana cop.
- Banana cop.
- Doo doo doo-doo-doo - banana cop.
- Doo doo-doo doo - banana cop.
- Doo doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo to the jews of valy village and the world, for 60 years, you have slandered the good name of the national socialist party! Today Our party's dignity shall be restored.
- Murray, what are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I'm just following orders.
- Sarah, what did you do? - Those comparisons may be somewhat - Oh, Murray's a nazi.
But only literally.
- Sarah, I think it's really inappropriate of you to have invited a nazi to a holocaust memorial.
- Oy, with the nagging.
Must you display our people's wor quality smack in front of the enemy? - Any available units respond - We got to find this guy.
- Yeah, where is he? [Tires screech, siren wailing] - Oh, there he is.
- Who? - Banana cop.
- Do do do-do-do do do-do do - [sighs] - We're never gonna get inside this building.
They've got it all blocked off.
- Watch your back.
Watch it.
- Hold on.
I've got an idea.
Come on.
- Oh, yeah.
I love where this is going.
- Come on, Steve.
Come on! - Ow! - And that is why they call it the buddy system.
- Murray, for once in your life, stick up for yourself.
- I follow orders.
That's all I know.
- Fine.
Murray, I order you to shoot that nazi in the wiener! - Nein, Murray.
I order you to kill her! - [Whimpers] - Damn it, she's right.
- What? - Just once, I want to do something not because I've been ordered to, but because it's the right thing to do.
Commandant, drop your weapon.
- [Scoffs] - Yay, Murray! - I don't know if this was a good idea.
- It's a great idea.
Come on.
You go that way, and I'll keep going back this way.
You all right? - Yeah, never better.
- Go! Go! - Move! - All right.
Take it easy, there, cowboy.
- No, no! - Drop the gun! - Yeah.
- Banana? - What the-- - weird.
[Creaking] [Cracking] - Ahh! - [high-pitched scream] - Weirder.
- I know that guy.
It's Brian.
- Officer banana cop? I believe this is yours.
- Thank you very much.
- Die, bitch! - Holy-- [screaming] - Sarah.
- Ew.
Right between the boobs.
- Brian? I'm lost and I'm scared.
Doo doo-doo doo [crying] Doo doo-doo doo - drop your weapon.
We have the place surrounded? - The last time I dropped my weapon was 1944.
That's the last time I'll ever do that.
- It's a standoff.
- We can't have a standoff.
We don't have time.
Sarah I'm sorry I got mad at you.
- No, I'm the idiot, Laura.
I didn't take the nazis seriously until one shot me, and now I realize They're total dicks.
- She's losing blood.
- Get her some! - [gagging] - Sarah, don't you die on me.
Don't you die on me! - I'll tell mom you say hey.
- I'm sorry, Sarah.
- I'm okay.
- Ah! - Oh.
E equals mc wow! - Ziggy! Excellent! - What's happening? - Dougie? What did you do? I guess the holocaust really did never happen.
Oh, I'm sorry, Laura.
This kind of ruins your memorial.
- [Laughs] - Wait.
What never happened? - The holocaust.
- Doo doo doo-doo-doo [All laughing] - Doug, it's really wrong to time travel and alter the course of history.
And for that I should spank you right now.
But then there's the Holocaust.
I mean the Holocaust is like worse thing that's ever happened in the history of ever.
So for that I should probably kiss your beautiful black ass.
Um, ahh.