The Simple Life (2003) s02e08 Episode Script

Episode 8

What's the address for the next place? Rod and Gun Club Road, Spicewood, Texas.
Spicewood, okay.
Well, the girls are off to their next destination.
Trouble is not all roads lead to Spicewood.
Do you know where, um, Spicewood, Texas is? - No, I sure don't.
- Okay.
- Bye ! - Thanks.
They have tires.
Maybe they'll know.
They'll probably know.
Do you know where Spicewood, Texas is? Uh, I don't know, but I have a map.
All right, um, see 290 comes here, disappears, then it comes back here.
You're gonna go around to this overpass, and you're gonna make a left.
As you're going up the access road, you'll see a sign that says 35 South.
Once you get on 290 West, you'll look for signpost 71, which will take you up to Spicewood.
- Nicole, did you understand any of that? - No.
How do we get on the freeway? Where are we? Scurvies, yo?! How do we get to the 35 South? - I don't know.
- Geez, so secretive.
To 35 South, u-turn.
Where? - Left? - Yes.
We're going up and around again.
Oh my god, it's the same way.
Everything goes in circles.
This is the fourth time.
Okay, pull, pull up at this gas station.
This is ridiculous.
Where are you trying to find? The 35 South.
We keep going, like, over the square and then over a bridge, and then we do it, like, we've done it like four times.
Y'all can follow me.
We'll follow you.
Ohh! I wish we had a car to follow all the time.
Let's take two girls both filthy rich Isn't that Paris Hilton? From the bright lights into the sticks from velvet ropes to cattle pokes let's take away their limousines their credit cards and shopping sprees well, they're both spoiled rotten will they cry when they hit bottom? Heaven knows if they'll survive this simple road trip kind of life.
Where the hell are we? This, like, isn't even Texas.
- It's like weird.
- The boonies.
Okay, what's the address? We're not what one would consider the stereotypical biker family.
You know, we're pretty laid-back, relaxed, um, kind of people.
I think they'll fit into our family.
It's not that hard.
We don't have that strict of rules.
Just anytime now, they should be getting here.
Well, I think, uh, the visit with Paris and Nicole will be, uh, quite interesting.
What I'm really looking forward to is Paris and Nicole being in this small town.
Uh, there's not much action going on here, so bring 'em on.
Wait, what is going on with this house? A little under construction.
This is impossible.
Just go, like, a little bit wider.
Onto the lawn.
Everything else is on this (bleep) lawn.
I'm sure you can put your silly wheels on it.
This is so embarrassing.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Lori.
This is my son Tyler.
- Hi, Paris.
- Nicole.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- What's up, Paris? - Nice to meet you.
Welcome to our home.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Would you like to join us for some lemonade? Sure.
My boyfriend Denny will be here later.
He's currently at work at the Harley shop.
He's got a few surprises in store for us.
- He works at a bike store? - Uh-huh.
- That's hot.
- And what do you do? - Right now I'm not working.
Um, I spend enough time running him up and down the highway to school and football practice.
He has a bigger social life than I do right now.
- So, do you have a girlfriend? - No.
- We'll change that.
- Yeah.
Everywhere we stay, we like, get people boyfriends or girlfriends.
Or laid.
- Did you ever get your homework done? - No.
I knew we'd have a busy evening, so We'll help you with your homework.
- Sounds good.
- We're smart.
So, what grade are you in? Ninth.
I have theater arts, uh, physics, and I have a monologue that I need to get done.
- What's it about? - Uh, Romeo and Juliet.
You should make it like a, like a rap, or some you know what I mean.
You should make it like, yo, yo, instead of like boring.
So rap it? All right, so like, we'll do like that dance, okay? All right ready? That dance.
Come on.
One, two, Romeo, but soft, go.
What light through window yonder, window breaks? No, you have to dance and rap at the same time.
Be not her maid.
Be not her maid.
Oh, it is my love.
Oh, it is my love.
All right, now you try it.
Yes, see how she learns? Throw another one in there.
Yeah, that I might touch thy cheek.
That's hot.
Whoo! Awesome.
You're like Snoop Dogg.
You're the next Eminem.
Done with that.
Sounds good.
Next subject.
I have a big quiz tomorrow.
Pop quiz, or you know about it? Yeah, I know.
Okay, so, where are your questions? Right there.
Uh, how can you exert a large force on an object without doing any work? I hate homework.
- Hi.
- How are y'all? - I'm Paris.
- I'm Denny.
- Hey, Denny, nice to meet you.
- How do you do? - Hi.
- My pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice bike.
- Of course.
Sorry I wasn't here today, but had to go have fun at work.
That's hot.
I got a few friends that are gonna show up.
We'll go take a ride, maybe grab a little bite to eat.
- So, we're gonna go get dressed.
- Okay.
I have a cute jean skirt.
I'll wear that and I'll wear these boots.
- Hi.
I'm Nicole.
- Hello.
I'm Paris.
- Howdy.
Welcome to Texas.
- Thanks.
- Who's hungry? - Who's thirsty? - You girls need a ride? - I'll volunteer.
We'll follow you in our truck.
How about that? We're not the old school biker trash that you probably thought.
We don't rape and pillage anymore.
That's hot.
Actually, I have a motorcycle.
What do you have? It's a chopper.
It's, like, pink with leopard print on it.
Dolce & Gabbana, they do, like, leopard, so it's like a barbie bike.
Do you want to show your parents your monologue? Let's go, sunshine.
But soft, what light through window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun.
That her maid art for more fair than she.
Oh, yeah.
Stand on the chair so it's more like a, like a stage.
Up and down, dance.
And none but fools do wear it.
Cast it off.
The arms, the arms.
I might touch that cheek.
Oh, yeah.
Whoever thought homework could be so much fun? - I had fun today.
- Yeah.
This biker family's pretty cool.
Turn your light off.
I'm so sick of turning on and off these lights.
I know.
Good night, silly.
Good night, dilly.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Anyone want more eggs? I'm good, thank you.
So, what other sports do you usually do, besides football? - Uh, lacrosse.
- lacrosse is cool.
I did that for my first year was last year.
The team that he played on, he started the practice late, had never really played before, and, uh, by the end of the season, he got MVP for his team.
That's awesome.
- You all psyched for work today? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
You need to go see Jesse, and he is at Lonny's.
- How old is he? - Couldn't tell you.
That's your first question about every guy.
What are you looking for in a boss? He has to let me do whatever I want.
Give her tips, make her not work.
Man, I need a boss like that.
Y'all are gonna have to slosh this down pretty quickly, because it's time to get on the road.
I wonder what kind of job this is going to be.
I hope they pay us a lot of money.
We need it.
I know.
We have, like, no money.
We keep spending it all on gas.
- Hello, there.
- Hi.
I'm Jessie.
I'm the owner of Lonny's hair salon.
Welcome to Austin, and welcome to Lonny'S.
You girls are going to work for me today.
Lonny's is a 30-year-old hair salon and retail center here in Austin.
Our customers are extremely important to us.
They deserve the utmost respect and the best attention that you could possibly give them.
The salon's always a wonderful business to visit and to go get pampered and to have things done to yourself, which I'm sure these girls are, are very used to.
However, I'm sure they're not used to waiting on people, and today will be a new and probably very enlightening experience for them.
Waxing is it's always going to be a tad bit uncomfortable for the client, but it doesn't have to be painful if we do it correctly.
Now, have you ever waxed someone's back before? - No.
- No.
There are your sticks.
Now, here are your shears.
Because when you wax long hair, and you rip that cotton, it hurts twice as much, so you want to get the hair down, you know, to about this, this much.
Okay? Who are we doing it to? Well, you're doing it to a man who's extremely sensitive.
- Hairy? - And he's very hairy.
Ew! And he's probably a little bit embarrassed, so, just try and be as gentle as, as possible.
Well, I know at lonny's they're professionals.
They wouldn't hurt anybody.
They haven't hurt anybody that I know of.
Girls, this is Bama Brown.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Bama, they'll make you feel right at home.
- Hi, how are you? - Hi, nice to meet you.
- Y'all have done this before? - Mm-hmm.
Does it hurt? No.
You won't feel a thing.
Well, the girls are about ready for their first chore at lonny's beauty salon-- a good, old fashioned back wax.
Snip-snip, snip-snip.
Go, like, up that way.
Now, that's kind of hot.
- I mean, what does that part do? - That's just the wax.
- Ready? - Yeah.
So, what do you got? What, now what do you do? - It looks good, though.
- Doesn't it look good? I'm really good at this.
God! - It, it helps if I breathe.
- All right, breathe.
Ow! Thought I'd check in.
How gorgeous does he look? Well, I I'll tell you this.
I have never heard screaming from this room before.
Possibly, we could take things a little more serious.
- And relax, relax, relax.
- Ah! Bama, tell me I'm your favorite waxer.
Ah! Is there, like, a way you could just stop? Wait, no, I didn't need my leg.
- I just thought - Just one little spot.
Ah! Let's do just the back.
I thought you meant the back of your whole body.
- No, no, no.
Ah! - Jess! - No! What is going on in here? Well, they're doing my legs.
Nicole is! In the kitchen right now, please.
You want your (bleep) waxed? This is just not how we deal with things here at lonny'S.
We're dealing with people's looks here, and we're dealing with people's bodies, and their self-esteem, most of all.
So, when someone's screaming, it's probably not a good idea to keep ripping the wax off of their back.
However, that's over and done.
So, let's go on to something new and different.
What we're going to do is we're going to do a makeover on a woman.
Because that seems to be something that you girls might be very, very good at.
- Hi.
I'm Paris.
- Hi.
- I'm Nicole.
- We're your stylists.
What kind of experience do you have? We have a lot of experience with makeovers.
We've been doing it for years.
My boyfriend's birthday is coming up this week.
He's going to be the big 5-0.
I want to do something new for him, for me, for the whole bit, so You can trust us.
We're going to make you a hot, sexy, bee-atch.
- Which color do you like? - Those are a little wild.
Yeah, those are a little Careful, Nicole might try to talk you into this.
I'm a little apprehensive.
They tell me that they can do it, but I'm hoping that my "after" is not going to be any worse than my "before.
" What kind of look are you going for? - I just want to be - Blonde? Do you want to be blonde? Blondes are hot.
- You've done this before, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I love being a hairdresser, 'cause you always gossip with your hairdresser.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm bored.
Give me some juice.
- Do you have any tattoos? - No.
Are you having an affair yet? Moi? Have you ever had any lesbian experiences? No.
I have some lesbian friends.
How do we know what to enter? You just guess.
Ooh, I can see the color changing already.
You're like Marilyn Monroe.
Dead? It's really blonde.
It's really what? Blonde, like Barbie.
You look so young.
Oh, I'm very young.
- Doesn't she? - Yeah.
- How hot does she look? - She looks hot.
We're going to improve her even more.
This is the toner that's going to blend her chemically-treated hair in with her normal color, so she is going to look, um, not quite so, um, you know, calico.
Enough up there.
Do it under here.
Lift up your head, dear.
What happened? It's, like, darker now.
It was, like, as blonde as my hair, and now it's brown.
Sit up.
Okay now, girls, here's how the law of color works.
It looks a little bit darker 'cause it's wet, right? Because it's wet, and, after you cut her, and you start to style and blow her dry, you'll see that blonde.
Just lean back.
We worked so hard, and now it's, like, the same color.
You ruined it.
Uh, girls, kitchen, now.
You have to not talk negative in front of a client.
If her hair was bright purple, we would let it ride and just quietly fix it.
She knows we're kidding.
I know, but this We're not being serious.
We're simply joking around.
She loves us You are so lucky you got a good person with a sense of humor.
We love her.
But oh well, let's just hope she loves you after the haircut.
I hope they'll do an excellent job.
We want her to look extra hot tonight for her date.
- Why are you laughing? - I don't know.
Do you think I should go shorter than this? No.
How short is it? - It's not that short.
- Okay.
- Do I still have hair? - It looks really cute.
What color do we put? Those two together, or these two? - Do I have a choice? - No.
Your boyfriend is gonna love you.
- She looks like a rock star.
- You really do.
Ready? One, two, three.
Aha! No, you didn't.
Do you like it? I look like I got hit by a truck.
Holy mackerel, you're a brand-new woman.
I am.
Well, I thought she, uh, um, looked like, um, a hooker.
I'll show you some pictures.
Let's look at your before-and-after.
Show us some pictures of you.
- Do we have a before picture? - Yeah, look.
You look so cute.
Well, now you can hardly tell.
It's like a different person.
I don't know if that's good or Hi, baby.
This is your new woman.
Doesn't she look hot? I've been I've been looking for you.
I didn't see you.
How hot? Whoo! I think I did kind of look like a rock star.
Very hard rock.
- How are y'all this evening? - Good.
- How was work? - Really cool.
Yeah? - So, Denny? - Mm-hmm.
We figured, since we are so good with the dye jobs, that we are gonna get the gray out of your mustache.
- You excited? - Well, yeah.
You have gray in your eyebrows.
We'll be back.
And we'll walk you to the chair.
All right, ready? One, two.
You'll look cool with a bandanna.
I like that a bunch.
All right, girls.
We've come to an end of a grueling day.
Here is your hundred dollars, and, um, I want you to come back and see us any time.
Okay, you're very welcome.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is that too funny? Funnier than anybody will ever know.
- Do you guys like it? - Yeah.
I don't think Paris and Nicole found their calling.
I think they should continue doing what they're doing.
It stinks so bad.
This whole bed stinks.
It's so gross.
A big stink bomb.
- Good night, bitch.
- Good night.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Miss Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks.
I'm so happy we spent all the money we made on the clapper.
In a moment, see where the girls are headed next.
Raise your right hand.
Next time on The Simple Life.
Lunch is ready.
Can you guys hear me? Do not talk on the radio like that.
Hello? Ma'am, pull over, please.
Do you have any weapons? Does it look like it?