The Simple Life (2003) s05e01 Episode Script

Welcome to Camp Shawnee

NARRA TOR: Previously on The Simple Life.
A life-long friendship died and Paris and Nicole hated each other's guts.
I'm going to kill Nicole.
They refused to even be in the same room together until a twist of fate (DOORBELL RlNGlNG) brought them both to the home ofBen and Rita Seigel.
-Nicole, we need to talk.
-NlCOLE: So, talk.
PARlS: You go first.
I'll listen, you go first.
No, you can talk first.
I'll listen.
This is lame.
If you have something to say, then just say it.
You know what, forget it.
I have nothing to say to you.
I have been listening to you girls arguing.
I think what you should do is bury the hatchet and kiss and make up.
-Never.
-No way.
Goodbye and good riddance.
(ELEVATOR DlNGS) You Act like you don't know who I am You're all drama and you're all show Telling me your feelings and where I gotta go Who cares what you say anymore You think you're so cool but you're such a bore Don 't wanna hear your noise So lea ve me alone So, so, so what KATHY: You know what today is, don't you? Tuesday.
It's Nicole's birthday.
Are you gonna call her? I haven't talked to her in, like, almost two years, but -Has it been two years? -It's strange.
Just call up and be yourself and just like nothing ever happened, "l just want to wish you happy birthday and how are you?" (GRUNTS) This is so weird.
I actually thought it was a joke.
Mind you, I'm not on MySpace, okay? He freaked out.
He (CELL PHONE RlNGlNG) It's Paris.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Happy birthday.
It's Paris.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-ls it really you? -Yeah, it's me.
I just wanted to call you.
I know it's been a long time, but I just I miss you, and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
That's really sweet of you.
I just want this to be over with.
I think it's silly.
I love you, you're my sister, and I just I don't want to be apart anymore.
It makes me sad.
I mean, I'm just like in shock right now that we're even talking on the phone.
Do you maybe wanna get together? Do you wanna get lunch or something? -Yeah, I'd love to.
-Okay.
Bye.
NlCOLE: Hi.
WOMAN: How are you? -Good.
How are you? -Welcome to ll Cielo.
-I'm just meeting a friend.
-Okay, great.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-So weird, like, sitting here.
-I know.
-I got you a present.
-Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, thank you! I know you love your sunglasses.
-Thank you so much.
-You're welcome.
-Oh, my goodness.
I have such good taste.
-I know.
It's so weird, like, seeing you and talking to you, 'cause we've seen each other all the time and we just ignore each other.
I know.
I hate it.
-I don't even know why we were fighting.
-Me neither.
I think it's just the tabloids and I just wanna let you know that half the things that the tabloids said that I said were not true.
I know that.
I know that.
-You know, all that stuff that -You know, too, the same thing.
It was not true.
It was all built up to be, like, a thing.
I know.
-Can you believe? -Thank God.
So stupid.
-We're back together again.
-I know.
So happy we're friends again.
-I know, me, too.
I love you.
-Love you.
-Love you, Bill.
-Love you, Sill.
(BOTH SlNGlNG GlBBERlSH) (BOTH SHOUT) NARRA TOR: So the feud is ancient history.
What is up? Paris and Nicole are ready to take on the world.
Oh, my God! (PEOPLE CHATTERlNG) Best friends forever, again.
But there are hard times ahead.
Their next challenge (MAN CHATTERlNG ON MEGAPHONE) Summer camp.
Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to the wilderness From way uptown to an old campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? NARRA TOR: Now that Paris and Nicole are back together, there 's plenty of lost time to make up for.
And what better place to do it than right here at Camp Shawnee.
Thank you.
(BlRD SQUAWKlNG) Where are we? This looks like the 1800s or something.
Looks like crap.
(DOG GROWLlNG) Hello.
-Hi.
-How are you? I'm Ed.
-I'm Nicole.
-Nicole.
I'm Ed Bellante, I'm the Camp Director of Camp Shawnee, and my opinion is that everyone should love camp, because that just makes it fun.
-This is my son Joe.
-Hi.
How old are you? -Eleven.
-Sexual.
(CHUCKLES) And this is my son Patrick.
PARlS: Hi, nice to meet you.
-ED: This is my wife Dawn.
-Hi.
DAWN: Sometimes what you have to do at camp is not always easy, so I think that Paris and Nicole may have to stretch a little bit.
For the next five weeks, you'll be my camp counselors.
You'll be in charge of taking care of the guests that come in.
You'll have dishwashing duties, you'll have announcement duties, bathroom duties, it'll be kind of fun? -And then -NlCOLE: You look like Leonardo DiCaprio.
(TlNKERBELL BARKS) -DAWN: Do you even know who that is? -No, but I'm sure it's somebody famous.
Well, it's a compliment, you look like Leonardo.
-Okay, well thank you.
-Or Ron Jeremy.
Ron Jeremy? I haven't heard of him either, but he must be hot.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) All right.
Okay, this is your cabin.
It's gorgeous.
You set up the way you want, I'm gonna bring over uniforms for you.
I know you like it, don't give me that look.
-There's, like, pee all over this mattress.
-There's blood on it.
That's not urine, those are just water stains.
Yellow water stains? The beds are wood.
This has got to be a joke.
It's freezing.
-It's like jail.
-This is disgusting.
It's like a cardboard hell.
It's, like, all dirty.
ED: All right.
Come on, I wanna introduce you to the guy counselors.
Pretend like you've met a guy before and come on out.
-This is Hunter.
-NlCOLE: What's up, bitch? -And this is Matthew.
-How are you, bitches? This is Paris.
This is Hunter.
-Hi.
How are you? -How you doing? Nice to meet you.
Okay.
I'll meet you guys at the dining hall in about 15 minutes.
-We'll see you in 15.
-Bye.
-Bye.
-MATTHEW: Okay, great.
Bye.
Do you guys have boners? (CHUCKLlNG) -No, not right now.
-Not yet, no.
-Do you guys have girlfriends? -Used to.
-Boyfriends? -No boyfriend.
Girlfriend.
-PARlS: What happened? -What happened? -NlCOLE: Dumped you? -lt was kind of mutual.
Loves it.
Do you love it? -Do I love it? What? Love what? -lt.
-Every second of it.
-Every second of it? I don't know.
I love it.
(ALL CHUCKLlNG) Well, I'm so glad we're, like, having a deep conversation here.
-Dope.
-Hot.
Sexy.
NARRA TOR: Now that the counselors are all well-acquainted, it's time to retire for the evening.
-Good night, girls.
-Good night, guys.
NARRA TOR: There is just one problem.
PARlS: Freezing.
NlCOLE: What time is it? -It's, like, 1 1 :00 at night.
-It's 8:00.
It is? It seems like 2:00 in the morning.
We can't go to bed at 8:00 at night.
NlCOLE: Oh, my God, I wanna shoot myselfin the head.
Hey, beautiful, how are you? PARlS: What are we doing today? Fitness camp? I think.
That's what I heard.
-I see you're all in workout gear, too.
-Yeah.
Well, you definitely glow in the morning, so -Thank you.
-For sure.
-All right, I'll see you in a bit then.
Cool.
-Bye.
ED ON PA: Attention all camp counselors.
If you could please report to the flagpole, I have someone very special to introduce you to.
I'm Susan Powter, starting a wellness revolution.
Oh, here they are.
Counselors, hello, I'm Susan Powter.
Everybody who spends the next couple of days with me is going to lose weight because it's a simple thing to do.
Burn fat, lose some weight, and get healthier.
These 10 people who are arriving at this camp need what millions and millions of people need.
Information, inspiration and motivation.
And that is real stuff.
You are the counselors, you're responsible for helping me get the message across for how they can get well, healthy, strong, and that's what I need you to help me translate to them.
Wellness, weight loss, any questions? -Ladies? -About what? Helping people lose tons and tons and tons of weight and feeling better.
So what are we gonna be eating then? Just Only healthy food? (LAUGHS) Good, then we're ready to go, Ed.
ED: Let's do it.
-Can you grab this for me? -Yeah, no worries at all.
-Thank you.
-Hello.
-How are you? -Good.
-I like your hair.
-Thank you.
-Hey.
-Hello.
Hi, gorgeous.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
-NlCOLE: Nice to meet you.
-What's up? -Cool hair.
Thank you.
You, too.
PARlS: So this week at camp we're gonna learn how to be healthy and live a good life.
-We're starting a revolution.
-Yes.
Revolution of being healthy.
Picking your own herbs.
Not those kind.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) You come in here, nervous, you know.
I can tell just by the first few minutes that they're not your usual, traditional, typical camp counselors.
GLORlA: My first impression is, "Oh, hell, no! " So, everyone, I hope you're ready to start camp.
Take your luggage and follow us, and we're gonna go over to the picnic tables.
NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole are off to a shaky start in their new adventure as wellness camp counselors.
And their first task won 't make them any more popular.
SUSAN: Campers and counselors Excuse me, darling.
Campers, we're going through your bags.
All the junk food goes in here.
Make sure you get it all in here and meet me at the fridge, 'cause we're locking it up.
MAN: Oh, no.
SUSAN: It's a whole new way of living.
PARlS: I feel like I work at the airport.
Cheese.
Some cigs.
You guys are sneaky.
-Cookies.
-ALL: Wow! These do not look healthy.
NlCOLE: Chips, candy.
Oh, I love these things.
Can I have one, please? My blood sugar's really low.
You guys are mean.
You know that, right? What is this? (ALL LAUGHlNG) I mean, you brought your own can of mayonnaise.
All right, I'm gonna lock it up.
So, say goodbye to it.
-I'll see you guys later.
-No.
Just a slice of cheese.
-No! -I'll think about you.
-You all locked up? -Yeah, all locked up.
Guess who's gonna own the key? Exactly.
And now we get on to a different way of living, right? WOMAN: There's stains on the mattresses.
NARRA TOR: As the campers settle in to their cabins, Hunter tries to take the camp dog for a walk.
What don't you like, huh? -Hey.
-Hey, what's up? -Nothing.
-Julia's kind of pulling a She doesn't want to move right now.
Hi.
-Look it -Let me try.
Come here.
Come on.
Apparently, it needed a woman's touch.
(HUNTER LAUGHS) It's hard when I read things about myself or see what people say.
It's just not who I am.
It's nice that every time I meet someone or talk to them, they're like, "Wow, you're totally not what I expected.
" That's completely That was my first impression.
I was just like, "Holy smoke! " What did you think I was gonna be like? I just No I didn't know.
You've always seen the stuff on the shows, and you get impressions from whatever -I just -Don't believe what you read.
You never believe what you read.
Never read a book by its cover -and all that crap.
-No.
So what does your boyfriend think about all this, being out in camp and stuff? Being away for such a long period of time? I broke up with him.
SUSAN: Campers and counselors.
Campers and counselors.
The majority of the world is aware that there's different kinds of health.
Colon health is a very important kind of health.
So we're going to do high colonics, we're going to do colon therapy, and the counselors, you're gonna all help administer the high colonics.
Because all disease starts in the colon, a clean colon is a healthy colon.
Ready? WOMAN: First of all, let's put some gloves on, and you have to switch your gloves in between each patient.
-Why? -Well, because it's clean.
Because do you want someone's butt (BLEEP).
-I'm not getting any -all over someone else? WOMAN: So, put your gloves on.
We're gonna bring the first patient in, position them on their left side, then I'll need you to help hold the buttock.
NlCOLE: Wait, what? WOMAN: Well, you're wearing gloves.
Yeah, I'll need help holding it open.
-Like this? -Yeah.
-WOMAN: Retract in.
-Throw up.
Come on over.
Just go ahead and hop up here on the table.
Perfect.
You can just pull up the gown here.
I need you to just lean over on your side just a little bit.
And then I just need you to put a little bit of lube around the anus.
Are you serious? WOMAN: Be very careful.
You can go ahead and get up on there and get right in there so you can see.
(PARlS LAUGHS) All right.
Good job, good job.
Did you get it in there? All right, and then I'll let you get up on the ladder.
And Nicole, if you'll just hold this end right here.
-Sure.
-And then, I'll tell you to release the clamp when we're ready, okay? -What's the clamp? -That was the yellow part.
-You spread and I'll stick.
-Okay.
Then go ahead and release it.
(SHOUTS) Okay.
I just need you to hold it.
Paris, if you'll just help him go to the bathroom.
Hold his hand and take him over there.
MAN: Half-made outhouse.
And you've spelled it right and everything too, I'm so proud of you.
Here you go.
I'll give you some privacy while you wipe.
I'm just gonna massage so, like, your cheeks are more relaxed.
-It's gonna be fine.
-No, no.
No, don't lie to me.
-It's just like getting (BLEEP).
-I've never been (BLEEP).
Oh.
I thought you swung both ways.
Don't shove it in there, please.
I swear to God -I swear to you -I will run off this table.
I promise I promise you I will run off this (BLEEP) table.
-I feel -I'm not joking.
NlCOLE: You need a little bit of lotion, so I'm just gonna -WOMAN: Good job.
-Stop clenching.
MAN: I promise you I will run.
If you shove it in there, I swear on everything that I love -It's over.
I guarantee you -WOMAN: I know.
It's gonna be fine.
-All right.
-Okay, count down.
All right, three -MAN: Don't shove it in there.
-I won't.
I told you, I will fly off this damn table.
Oh, my God! Oh! Perfect.
How big is the thing that's going up my (BLEEP)? Like this.
Like your ex-boyfriend.
Oh! Oh, my God! No! (SHOUTS) -What's going on? -There's nothing.
-Dream of eating a lot of burritos.
-NlCOLE: Plop, plop.
Plop, plop.
Plop, plop.
(GROANlNG) I feel like you should concentrate.
-Concentrate on taking a crap? -Yeah.
It's hard to concentrate with somebody talking to me.
Let's just, like, be silent then.
(SCREAMlNG) Oh, wow, you've got a brush here.
Can you go around the other side and help hold his tush? Yeah.
Hunter, can you hold this? (GASPlNG) Sorry.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) HUNTER: That's all right.
You know I'm gonna get you back, right? Well, Nicole and I know where you sleep at night, so if you try to get me back -lt'll come back tenfold? -you'll see what will happen.
We've been doing enemas the whole entire day.
-PARlS: No! -Oh, dude! NARRA TOR: After a long hard day of enemas, the campers are starving.
WOMAN: What is this? I can't even identify it.
NARRA TOR: But the wellness training menu leaves a lot to be desired.
WOMAN: My dog wouldn't eat this.
NlCOLE: So did everyone have a good day today? MAN: Great.
Except for the whole thing up our (BLEEP).
(CHUCKLlNG) PARlS: Sorry about that.
ARELENE: Can I ask you a question? PARlS: Yeah.
I know in the media and the news you get ridiculed a lot, you know, for your size and I know me, as a full-figured girl, there's a lot criticism, "You're so big, you're so this.
" How do you handle that? Well, personally, I mean, it's just as bad to be called too skinny -I agree.
-as being called overweight.
It's basically saying that, whoever you are isn't where you should be, and I've been accused of having eating disorders, and none of that is true.
I am the way I look, which I'm sure all of you guys know.
And if I was skinny for an unhealthy reason, then, you know, that would be one thing, but it's really funny how so many people when they get stressed out and they gain 20 pounds, people understand that, but if people lose 10 pounds or 20 pounds when they're stressed, people don't understand it.
SUSAN: How's everyone doing? ALL: Great.
Oh, that's lovely enthusiasm! Okay, so you've got everything under control, counselors? Thank you, ladies.
Well done the first day and I'll see you all tomorrow.
-Enjoy your food.
-WOMAN: Good night.
(WOLF HOWLlNG) ARELENE: I couldn't believe what they fed us.
That was ridiculous.
You know what, on the real, I'm seriously getting hungry.
NlCOLE: We're starving.
PARlS: I think we all are.
ARELENE: We all are.
I think we should, like, order pizza or something.
I don't think that we can get away with that.
We don't have phone service, and WOMAN: You guys have any ideas? WOMAN: I thought you all got the key? NlCOLE: No, she took it.
-PARlS: I wish there was a hidden key.
-I know.
NARRA TOR: With the refrigerator key nowhere to be found, Paris and Nicole move to a risky plan B.
Borrowing Camp Director Ed's car without permission.
-Ready? -Let's do it.
(MAN SHOUTlNG) (TlRES SCREECHlNG) -Oh, my gosh! -Did it open at least? No.
-lt still didn't open? -No.
-You want me to try it? -All right.
(TlRES SCREECHlNG) (ED SHOUTS) -Turn it off.
Get out.
-We're in so much trouble.
So much trouble.
ED: What are you doing with my car? Get out.
Turn it off, and get out.
Get out.
What the (BLEEP) one of my refrigerators? Get it unchained, get it unbolted off the car, and go to bed.
Don't ruin my camp.
Don't ruin our reputation.
If I catch you with my car again, I'll call the police and tell them it was stolen.
Good night, girls.
-He's really mad.
-He's mad.
I didn't know he could get mad.
-He starves everyone like, what does -What does he want us to do? Ms.
Hilton you must be worth a trillion bucks -Did the refrigerator open at least? -(LAUGHlNG) No! Rollerskates on a social butterfly, whoo! Ms.
Hilton -NlCOLE: Good night, Silly.
-Good night, Billy.
-Love you.
-I love you, too, bitch.