The Simple Life (2003) s05e09 Episode Script

Almost Fame-less

(BARKlNG) NARRATOR: It's another morning at Camp Shawnee and Paris has a visitor.
Paris 'Aunt Kim has come to check in on the girls, and meet the camp counselor who caught her niece's eye.
Hi, I'm Hunter.
Hi, Kim.
Nice to see you.
-Hi, it's Matthew.
-Nice to see you.
-How's camp? -Really good.
-Yeah? Any snakes up here? -Hunter's afraid of snakes.
I don't like to talk about it too much.
(SCREAMS) Bye, little girl.
I don't know.
I had a very traumatic experience when I was about 10 years old.
But then I got him to put a snake around his neck.
A huge, like, eight-foot one.
I got over most of my phobia through looking in Paris' eyes.
-See you.
-See you.
-Okay, Paris.
Bye.
-See you in a little bit.
-What do you think? -I think he's really, really cute.
I never, like, dated someone like him.
I don't know, it's hard for me to trust guys sometimes.
MATTHEW: Dude, I can't believe like five weeks has gone by.
You can't help but notice that you and Paris got close.
I think there's definitely There's chemistry, but we live in two separate worlds.
I'm not expecting anything more than after this.
I'm prepared emotionally Prepared emotionally for there to be nothing.
For there to be nothing after this.
Are you prepared emotionally if there's something? -That's a good question.
-Yeah.
I think he seems real.
And he's normal.
Right? I don't know, I'd give him a chance.
Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to the wilderness From way uptown to an old campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? NARRA TOR: The final camp session, "Drama Camp, " begins with the arrival of an Oscar-nominated actress who comes with a lot of baggage.
Camp Shawnee.
Oh, this will be fun.
My name is Sally Kirkland.
I'm very excited to be at Camp Shawnee this week, teaching the "Sally Kirkland Acting Workshop.
" I've been acting since I was 10 years old and I get to share my expertise with these beautiful young people.
Hello? -Hello! How are you? -How you doing? -ED: Good.
-You're Ed.
-Yes, I'm Ed.
-I'm Sally Kirkland.
-Solly? Nice to meet you.
-Sally.
Sally? Yes.
-Hello.
-Wow! Look at that gown.
-Nice to see you.
-You two look adorable.
Can I cut a look? Oh, too divine.
Who are the designers? -Gucci.
Vintage.
-Roberto Cavalli.
NlCOLE: Who makes your outfit? Oh, well, thrift stores, really.
During the next few days, I'll teach you method acting.
Method acting is real truth, gritty, on-the-edge.
We're going to have to do dialects, "Noo Yawk.
" -I was born in the Bronx.
-All right.
(lN BRONX ACCENT) I like to drink my coffee and smoke my cigs.
Oh, this is perfect.
And we're going to have this thing where I hold the pillow and one of you decides to get angry and hits the pillow.
NlCOLE: It's kinda like rehab.
-Rehab? -Yeah.
Oh, I've been in a mental hospital, but I've never been in rehab.
Oh, okay.
We love mental hospitals.
NARRA TOR: With Sally convinced that Paris and Nicole are ready for action, it's time to get the drama started.
-What's up? -What's up? -Hi.
-Hi, I'm DeMarie.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Nicole.
How are you? Welcome to Camp Shawnee.
I am Braxten.
I am here at "Actor Camp" to further my skills in the thespian world.
What if the director told you that you had to bone him to get a part? I would tell him I'd pitch it but I wouldn't catch it.
-Sexy.
-Nice.
-Love your boots.
-Thank you, girl.
I love your boobs.
-They're real.
-So are mine.
This is gonna be a long week.
-PARlS: What's up, bitch? -What's up? "Bitch?" -What's your name? -Dave.
DA VE: Paris and Nicole, they're obviously two very hot ladies.
They seem not to take life seriously, so I think the three ofus are going to get along just fine.
-NlCOLE: What's your favorite sex scene? -Sex scene? -You don't watch porn? -Nope.
-I saw a boner coming out of your pants.
-That was just from looking at you.
-Got it.
-Yeah.
-Hi.
-Hi, I'm Kim.
-NlCOLE: What's your last name? -Ho.
-Kim Ho? -Yeah.
-I'm a born ho, so -You are a born ho.
We actually know a girl named Kim, and she's a ho.
The specialist for the week whom you all will be working with is Sally Kirkland.
Yes, yes, yes.
(ALL CHEERlNG) Sally Kirkland is one of the top five teachers alive today right now.
She's been nominated for an Oscar, she's won two Golden Globes, but if someone is a good actress, they are a little bit nutty, and she fits the bill.
We're going to work on comedy improv, theater games, method acting, which is dramatic acting.
By the end of the week, we're going to put on Richard lll.
So what do you think? You ready? All right, so everyone get their stuff and let's go to the cabins.
NARRA TOR: Looking to help Sally cast Richard lll, Paris and Nicole waste no time in assessing how their campers perform under pressure.
-NlCOLE: Do you know how to dance? -I do some dancing.
-NlCOLE: What kind? -Krump dancing or hip hop.
I love Krump dancing.
-Do we have any music? -Here, I'll rap.
You're the worst dancer.
Let me show you how it's really supposed to be done.
Yeah, you show me how it's really supposed to be done.
-Make a beat.
-All right.
Okay, slow.
Now shake your butt.
Go, go, go.
And then you just go like this.
Go stupid, turn around.
(LAUGHlNG) Make the chain go Go down.
-Oh, yes.
-Yes.
I feel like I'm the best dancer.
NARRA TOR: The drama campers will need a lot of coaching to do Shakespeare justice.
But fortunately, Sally has a full bag of acting tricks, and she is ready to share.
We're just gonna do an exercise called "The Cocktail Party.
" -Now, let's pretend that -I love cocktail parties.
Yeah, I know.
I'm going to throw some things at you and you'll be at a cocktail party talking as these characters.
You make up your own lines.
Now, would you be on your phone at a cocktail party, would you, really? -Yeah.
-Okay, ready? Hookers.
I really have to make my money.
I know, I'm sick of giving him a percentage.
I'm gonna dust your ass up, ho! You're not the only one who can pull off the mesh tights.
Freeze.
Ballerinas.
-I hate starving myself.
-I'm hungry.
SALLY: Okay.
Look at this dance.
-SALLY: Freeze.
-You guys are two robots.
-I am a bit squeaky.
-Do you need some oil? You guys look like The Jackson Five.
NARRA TOR: Since Richard lll is heavy on drama, Sally moves on to a new task designed to help the campers get in touch with their inner psycho.
Psychodrama means you take a real-life experience and you turn it into theater.
So, let's all make a sound.
(GRUNTS) (ALL GRUNTlNG) (SCREAMlNG) (ALL SCREAMlNG) We all sound like we're getting oral sex.
-So I'm going to let some anger out.
-Just letting I'm 5'1 ".
Nicole, you make me so angry.
Egotistical.
All you care about is yourself.
I needed you to like me enough to respect years and years and years of training.
(EXHALES) I really do love you.
Thanks.
I love you, too.
So, now we can drop the pillow.
Sally Kirkland, although a bit eccentric, we always end up with some great exercises and she's got a lot of great experience and a lot to give.
-Don't forget to make the sound.
-Oh, the sound, okay.
You need power.
(GRUNTS) Actually, who I'm really angry at is Matthew.
Yes, Matthew, I'm so angry at you because you've been so difficult this whole entire trip.
I'm angry at you for having curls.
I'm angry at you for never changing your shirt.
Okay, now the line is, "l need you, Matthew, to what?" I need you to flat-iron your hair, (ALL LAUGHlNG) I need you to change the damn outfit.
SALLY: Now you say, "l love you because" I love you because you have a nice, tight ass.
You know, in movies, we all have love scenes.
Well, I'm going to let Paris and Nicole give you an exercise.
I'm going to be putting you guys in groups and you guys will be practicing kisses.
First couple.
Now, Kim Ho, you have to live up to your name, so I want tongue or I'm kicking you out.
-Hi.
-I won't bite.
-Oh, really? -Really.
(GlGGLlNG) -I'm in.
-I get nervous.
Then you know what? You can't be an actor and I think that you should go and be, like, a janitor.
-Can I give it another shot? -Sure.
Go ahead.
BOY: There you go.
(BOY CHEERlNG) Nice.
(SWEARlNG) (PEOPLE LAUGHlNG) (ALL CHEERlNG) -Everyone getting a little excited? Geez.
-I know.
(ALL WHOOPlNG) -All right.
Last but not least -Matthew and Hunter.
-Hunty.
-BOY: Yeah.
-Yeah, let's move on.
-Here's some mints.
-Guys, I'm not kissing Matthew.
-MATTHEW: No.
It's really not that big of a deal, it's acting.
Watch.
Hi, Paris.
I had a really, really nice time.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I'd love to take you out sometime again.
That'd be really great.
Thank you.
-Good night.
-Good night.
(ALL CHEERlNG) NARRA TOR: With everyone warmed up, Sally introduces a new exercise on "Acting Out Stereotypes.
" This next exercise is about all of you inhabiting your character.
You walk the character, you make-up like the character, you talk the character.
You got the idea? So, Nicole and Paris, you're going to be two beautiful black women.
-Okay.
-Sexy.
Go get your clothes, and your make-up and -Make-up for what? -To play two black women.
Oh, I don't need make-up, I'm already black.
Matthew, you're going to be a raving alcoholic.
BOY: Oh, (BLEEP) -You're going to be a redneck.
-All right.
I figure you'd know how to do that.
I figure you'd know how to do that.
And you, young man, are going to be very, very gay.
Hunter, you're going to be royalty, like a British gentleman.
Okay? (lN BRlTlSH ACCENT) I'm done talking to you.
NARRA TOR: Sally has a well-armed make-up team standing by to help Paris get deep into character, but so far, Nicole is not impressed.
You look the same.
-'Cause we haven't done anything yet.
-Oh.
NARRA TOR: Since Paris ' dark brown appliqué will take a while, Nicole cuts in for a touch-up.
I feel like I'm pretty sexy just like this.
I totally look like (BLEEP) Matthew.
(PARlS LAUGHlNG) Hello, hello.
(WHlSTLES) As you can see, I have gotten very into character, and now, it's your guys' turn.
But, Sally gave you guys kind of boring characters, so, I'm just going to give you all new characters.
(ALL CHEERlNG) I actually have leftovers from an old drama camp, so Wes, you're a nonstop-talking ice-cream cone.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) Awesome, thank you.
-Tyler, what are you supposed to be? -Gay.
We are going to bring it back to Brokeback Mountain days.
I hope those are backless chaps.
-Hunty, what are you supposed to be? -British royalty.
How about you be a British tree? (MATTHEW LAUGHlNG) Get dressed, bitches.
NARRA TOR: With the finishing touches almost done, Paris and Nicole are ready for action.
-I look hot.
-I feel like you look blacker than me.
Oh, my! It's a whole new look for you.
Thank you.
I love it.
I'm supposed to be the gay, okay.
This isn't gay though, this is like -Hold on, hold on.
Real fast.
-I'm a jester.
-You're walking down the street.
-I'm a court jester.
-Who do you think is gay? -BOY: No.
-What's up, guys? -Hey.
You guys look kind of cute.
Hold on.
Let me see what I have in my bag of tricks.
Do you have a little bucket maybe I can carry up a hill or something? You can't be a gangster without a hat.
Pilgrim pimp.
I need some more rhinestones for my outfit.
(KNOCKlNG AT DOOR) SALLY: Can I come in? Hi.
What are you doing with all these costumes on? -I did everyone.
-Un (BLEEP) believable.
-I asked you to inhabit the characters.
-NlCOLE: Boring.
-They were boring? -Yeah.
Well (BLEEP) you, Nicole, you wouldn't let me give them characters.
(CRYlNG) I needed you to respect me.
(CHANTlNG) NARRA TOR: Sally's having a hard time getting over last night's blow-up about the costumes.
Nicole's still not sure why, so she decides to clear the air.
-Y es.
-What's wrong? -You.
You're what's wrong.
-Why? Oh, come on, Nicole.
Okay.
First of all, let me just start off by saying I'm really sorry.
I don't believe that.
I know that you're the instructor, however, when I spoke to them about their characters, they were not excited about it.
They said that you were bored.
I just wanted everyone to have fun and I'm really sorry if it made you cry and from now on, I'll just let you be the boss.
So Okay, Nicole.
BOY: You like riding bikes? Yeah, they're okay, the ones that are actually are my size.
Hi.
NARRA TOR: Back on good terms with Nicole, Sally announces a daring exercise for the campers to showcase their acting chops and much, much more.
It's an exercise and it has to do with those wonderful things called "Nude Scenes.
" Your teacher, Sally Kirkland, was the first nude actress in the history of America.
I just finished two nude scenes this year and I showed my right breast.
(NlCOLE EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST) Everyone go change into your robes and then we'll meet back here.
NARRA TOR: While the campers are busy changing, Sally makes the most ofher down time by giving Hunter a private lesson in stage kissing.
-Come on.
-Sally! I'm a camp counselor.
I have to, you know -But you're a guy.
-I know.
-And you're a guy's guy.
-Yes.
-I love guy's guys.
-Well, thank you, very much.
Close your mouth.
Wow, such soft lips.
Thank you, very much.
Yours are very soft as well.
Nicole, how do you feel being naked underneath your robe? I feel free and I feel like I can do anything.
-Anything? -Anything.
So, do we have a volunteer? NlCOLE: You are? All right, come on.
(SALLY CHEERlNG) SALLY: Okay, now lie down.
And look at you, so gorgeous.
(EXCLAlMlNG) Wow! Beautiful.
NlCOLE: So, the scene is that you two just lost your virginity.
Both of you guys.
Action.
I know you heard me at school talking about how I've slept with a lot of girls, but you're my first.
I was fumbling with the condom.
I've never used one before, I practiced on a banana once.
Big applause.
Huge applause.
Everyone's getting naked now.
Now watch out, they're all naked.
-Yeah, right.
-I'm being dead serious.
-Hi.
-NlCOLE: Hi, Sill.
-What are you guys doing? -We're doing nude scenes.
The scene is, you guys were at a wedding, you guys got plastered.
You guys wake up.
That's your sister.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) Three, two, one.
Action.
Oh, my God! What the hell? -DAVE: Stop playing.
-GlRL: What are you trying to do? I'm a redneck.
I kind of like my sister.
-Beautiful.
-NlCOLE: Perfect.
SALLY: Okay, let's have two more.
-NlCOLE: Are there any volunteers? -No.
None of you guys? NARRA TOR: Finding no more volunteers, Nicole decides to take things in a whole new direction.
Sally, can I see a love scene with your dog? (LAUGHlNG) I love you, honey.
He's a little shy today.
Aren't you, honey? So sensual.
Oh, my God, I love my dog.
You know, it's not quite a guy, but it's a close second.
Cool.
(CHANTlNG) SALLY: I'm out of breath already.
NARRA TOR: With the campers redressed, Sally gets pumped to announce that it's time for Shakespeare.
I just want to remind you.
We are putting on Richard lll in front of a full audience.
-Sounds boring.
-Boring? We haven't even tried it yet.
We're just going to do a couple of pages from this.
If you can do Shakespeare, you can do anything.
Before we do it, can I see your right breast again? (LAUGHS) Tell you what.
I'll just do a little so you hear how it sounds.
I'll do it British.
"Oh! who shall hinder me to wail and weep, "To chide my fortune and torment myself? "I'll join with black despair.
" "What means this scene of rude impatience? "And hast the comfort of thy children left thee?" You're both on your (BLEEP) BlackBerrys? We're doing Shakespeare.
"To make an act of tragic violence: "Edward, my lord, thy son, our king, is dead! " "Alas! I am the mother of these (BLEEP)" SALLY: What did you say? NlCOLE: What? -SALLY: Moans.
-Moans.
You get the idea.
I want you to direct this play using the campers, okay? You can cast it, but give me drama.
Give me tears, give me projection.
Bigger-than-life Shakespeare.
I want you to take this really seriously.
Okay? Do we really want to do this play? -No.
-No.
We thought of doing a play with two equally historical figures, kind of like Richard lll.
Definitely just as important.
PARlS: More fashionable.
NlCOLE: So A little more current, and definitely important to world history.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
What play are we doing? You'll see.
Richard lllis dead, literally.
What are we doing? Just writing ideas for what we want in the song.
NARRA TOR: With Shakespeare gone, Paris and Nicole get right to work on a more contemporary, more personal script.
Paris and Nicole, the Musical.
We have to put our fight.
It's pretty monumental.
Our make up.
When we're not getting along and stuff, we'll go like (PLAYS lNTENSE MUSlC ON PlANO) When we love each other, it's like (PLAYS HAPPY MUSlC ON PlANO) Yeah.
Let's do something about that cow, and you fingering it.
(SCREAMlNG) Perfect.
NARRA TOR: With music and lyrics set in record time, the girls figure they'd better break the news to Sally.
And, knowing her temper (BLEEP) you, Nicole.
NARRA TOR: They're not looking forward to it.
-I'm scared.
-Me, too.
NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole have to explain to Sally Kirkland that, instead ofRichard lll, the campers will be putting on Paris and Nicole, the Musical.
But the girls are scared to death as to what Sally might do.
(HUMMlNG) Hi.
Oh, hi! Come on in.
How's it coming? -Cool.
-Cool.
Queen Elizabeth and Duchess of York.
We're playing queens and princesses, but just different versions of it.
But you're doing Richard lll? -PARlS: Not exactly.
-What do you mean? We decided to have the play about Paris and myself.
Like our life story.
We thought it'd be more interesting than Richard lll.
You thought your life story would be more interesting than Shakespeare, the greatest playwright that ever lived.
Shakespeare isn't really in the picture anymore.
Okay, William Shakespeare, Paris and Nicole are spitting on you.
Unbelievable.
I am so insulted.
I am so (BLEEP) insulted.
Do you know what? Why don't I just go home? Why don't I just quit? You are just so absolutely insulting.
I have never seen anything like it.
(BLEEP) NARRA TOR: Next time on The Simple Life.
-NlCOLE: Guess what? -What? -You have a part in the play.
-I don't want a part in your play.
-The show starts in a couple hours.
-I'm nervous.
PARlS: Let's have a great show.
-Paris and Nicole.
-Paris and Nicole.
I have fallen head over heels for you.
That's one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me.