The Simpsons s02e13 Episode Script

Homer vs. Lisa and the Eighth Commandment

-Evening, Carver of Graven Images.
-Homer the Thief.
How's business? Been a little slow.
Not much to steal in the desert.
Do not worry.
We'll be wandering out here another two weeks, tops.
Zohar the Adulterer.
My wife sends her regards.
-Yes, she's a good woman.
Very good.
-Thank you, my lusty friend.
-Moses is back.
-Quick! Everybody, look busy.
The Lord has handed down to us I will read them in no particular order.
-"Thou shalt not make graven images.
" -Oh, my God! -"Thou shalt not commit adultery.
" -Well, looks like the party's over.
Hey, Moses.
Keep them coming! "Thou shalt not steal.
" Sorry, Homer.
That's the most dishonest thing I've ever heard! I should box your ears! -You sneaky Pete! -Easy, tiger.
You, easy.
Get off my property! Flanders, who put that bug up your butt? I wanted to subscribe to the arts and crafts channel.
They sent this man to install it.
You know what he did? He offered to hook me up illegally to every channel for $50.
Boy, what's this world coming to? -That's exactly-- -Gotta go.
Hey, stop, cable man! Stop! -What do you want? -I want free cable! This is okay.
Everybody does it, right? What? If you're having second thoughts, read this.
"So You've Decided to Steal Cable.
" "Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
Fact: Cable companies are faceless corporations which makes it okay.
" The clown that will last a lifetime.
Cable.
It's more wonderful than I dared hope! Don't you hate it when you go to the toilet and there's no toilet paper? It's funny because it's true! Oh, hey! Family! Family, come here.
I have an announcement to make.
The Simpsons have cable! Cable?! Right.
68 channels.
MTV for the kids.
VH1 for us.
1600 hours of quality programming every day.
We've talked about cable before.
You think we can afford it? Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
Is this legal? Don't worry.
Look at this.
"Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies.
" Fact: Most movies on cable get two stars or less "and are repeated ad nauseam.
" -I don't know.
-Marge.
Hear Me Roar, the network for women.
We'll teach you to lower your bill by making your own Band-Aids.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Before we begin, you'll need Pro wrestling from Mexico.
Down there, it's a real sport.
This is where Jaws eats the boat.
Here, Die Hard jumps through the window.
This is where Wall Street gets arrested.
If I could call your attention to the Subsidy Appropriations Override Bill.
I refer you to page 4500-- They think people watch that.
Live, from New Orleans.
This is the World Series of Cockfighting! Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou tonight.
We'd get there quicker if I drove my dad's car.
-Aren't you ready for church, Homer? -Huh? What? Okay.
Today's Christian doesn't think he needs God.
He thinks he's got it made.
He's got his hi-fi.
His boob tube.
And his instant pizza pie.
Oh, pizza.
Children, I don't want you to get frightened but I must teach you this.
Today's topic will be hell.
I sat through mercy and forgiveness.
Finally, we get to the good stuff.
Hell is terrible! Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket.
There's a lake of fire burning with sulfur.
You'll be tormented.
If you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened you would die.
-Miss Albright? -Yes.
-Won't you eventually get used to it? -No.
-Yes.
-Are there pirates in hell? -Thousands of them.
-Oh, baby! So there's a downside to the afterlife.
How does one steer clear of this? By obeying the 10 Commandments.
Ten simple rules that are easy to live by.
-What did you children learn about? -Hell.
I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell -unless I say "hell.
" -He has a point.
Hell, yes! Hell, hell, hell, hell.
Bart! You're no longer in Sunday school.
Don't swear.
Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay-TV? -Are you sure this isn't stealing? -Read the pamphlet.
Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from Cry Yuma and Here Comes the Coast Guard! I'd like to talk about a candy that cleans and straightens your teeth! A program-length advertisement! Wait a minute.
I'm confused.
Did you say "cleans and straightens"? There's no confusion.
Just good science.
Ladies and gentlemen, the inventor, Dr.
Nick Riviera.
-Thank you, Troy.
Hi, everybody! -Hi, Dr.
Riviera! Now, could I have a volunteer? Somebody with crooked, yellow teeth.
Come on, Lisa.
Watch a little cable with us.
It won't cost you a thing.
Except your soul! -What's gotten into Lisa? -Beats the hell out of me! -What are you doing? -What do you mean? -Remember the 8th commandment? -Of course.
Thou shalt not.
Covet graven images.
Something about covet.
Thou shalt not steal! Anything else? Yes.
I ate two grapes.
Please charge me for them.
Two grapes? Who cares? -Just charge me something, please.
-Okay.
I need a price check on two grapes.
You heard me, Phil.
Two measly, stinking grapes.
If you didn't catch it in the theater or rent it we've got it! On the Blockbuster Channel! Why is the world a cesspool of corruption? Oh, great.
All right, what makes you say that? In Sunday school we learned stealing is a sin.
But everybody does it.
We're stealing cable.
-Did you pay for your breakfast? -No.
-Did you pay for your clothes? -No, I didn't.
Run for the hills, Ma Barker, before I call the feds! -I think that's pretty spurious.
-Well, thank you, honey.
Friday night, live.
The ultimate matchup.
The bout to knock the other guy out.
Watson-Tatum Two.
This time it's for money! -Oh, boy! -Only on the Blockbuster Channel.
How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness? Big fight coming up.
Wanna come over and listen to it on the radio? Okay.
After the fight, we can watch the still photos on the news.
Not too shabby! What do you say? We could do that, yeah.
Or we could go over to my house and watch it live on cable TV! -Get off! -You're kidding me! Pass the pumice, please.
He's Homer from sector 7-G.
Excellent.
I'm so keen on seeing Watson vs.
Tatum Two I'd even go to an employee's house.
I can picture it now.
The screen door resting off its hinges.
Mangy dog staggering about looking vainly for a place to die.
-May I speak frankly? -Yes.
-You are quite wealthy.
-Thank you.
Your candor is refreshing.
Why don't you pay for the fight yourself? The big fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights the sounds and the smells of other men.
You haven't lost the common touch.
-So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.
-That's right.
-8:00, my place.
Come one, come all.
-All right.
Moe, how come you never got cable for the bar? Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull.
I made my choice and I stand by it.
-Somebody's having a party.
-Friday night.
Wanna come over? No, thanks.
I'm open 24 hours.
It puts great demands on my time.
Too bad.
It'll be a great fight.
The fight! I'll get my brother, Sanjay, to cover for me.
He deplores violence.
If a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that's stealing? No.
It is if he puts anything on it.
Jelly, for example.
I see.
You're here for a reason.
Is your father stealing bread? I don't watch him every minute.
But we're getting cable for free.
I'm afraid that is stealing.
I think you must do something.
-Should I have him arrested? -That seems like an ideal solution.
But remember the 5th commandment: "Honor thy father and thy mother.
" I would like to see you set an example by not watching -the offending technology yourself.
-Thank you.
You're watching Top Hat Entertainment.
Adult programming all day, every day.
Except in Florida and Utah.
Coming up next, Stardust Mammaries.
-Ay, carumba! -Bart! -Here's what I was looking for.
-Blue chips closed up 3 3/4.
Oil service stocks slumped.
You shouldn't watch that other channel.
It's for mommies and daddies who love each other.
-Promise me you won't ever watch it.
-Okay.
-Promise me.
-I promise I won't watch it.
-Good boy.
-Hi, Dad.
Stealing cable is wrong, so I'm not watching it in the hope that others will follow my example.
Thank you.
Hey, Lisa.
Racing from Belmont? Horsies! Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
There's something wrong with that kid.
She's so moral.
Why can't she be more like? Well, not like Bart.
-But there's gotta be a happy medium.
-Well, you know.
Bart was looking at that racy movie.
And Lisa is losing a little respect for you.
Maybe we should think about unhooking the cable.
-Unhook it? But I love cable! -Then you should pay for it.
I can't afford it.
When I can afford to pay for it, I will.
But I can't so I'm not going to.
Cable has become an evil presence in our home.
Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.
But I'm severely tempted to do it.
-No.
-I'm sorry, it's coming down.
-No.
-It's coming down.
That's it! It's coming down! The cable stays.
The foot has spoken.
-Lemonade? Please.
-Seen it.
-Cleans and straightens-- -Seen it.
-Seen it.
-I was poor.
Soccer.
Seen it.
-Simpson.
-How did you get in? Your door wasn't locked well enough.
Would you be interested in this stereo? A $500 value.
You can have it for $40.
-Get out! Criminal! -I'll go see a neighbor.
-He's not home! -Even better.
You sure about this? Doesn't look friendly.
Can't be too careful.
Thieves are everywhere.
I'm not talking about the small, forgivable stuff.
Come one, come all! Top Hat Theater is on the air! The most beautiful women! Just 50 cents! I'm your host, Bart Simpson! You must be at least And now The Top Hat Channel is proud to present Broadcast Nudes.
-Gross! -Yet strangely compelling.
-It's a raid! -What the--? I know you.
Come back here! You promised me you wouldn't watch that trash.
Go to your room! I wish I was an adult so I could break rules.
Oh, great.
-I brought some imported generic beer.
-Thank you, Barney.
-How many people are coming? -Just a select circle.
Hello! I brought an assortment of jerkies.
-Did you swipe those from work? -Certainly not.
What are you implying? There is no love lost between these two warriors.
We almost had a scuffle today at the weigh-in.
You have a special motivation going into this bout.
I want to dedicate this fight to my manager, Vinnie, who got me here and then -passed away two weeks ago.
-Any response? I would also like to dedicate this fight to this manager.
-You can't! -I can! You dedicate the fight to your manager! I want to tell you that I'm not watching this fight.
It's my form of nonviolent protest.
Hi, Homer.
I brought you-- Quick! It's Moe.
I gotta hide the mugs.
Will you get--? Hey, go protest outside, will you? Now! -Hi.
I brought you a mug.
-Thank you.
I always wanted one of these.
Oh! Mr.
Burns! -Hide the stuff I borrowed from work! -Borrowed? -Okay, that stuff I stole from work.
-Oh, okay.
Come on! Take all this.
Put it in the closet.
Will you quit staring at me like that? Hello.
We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by.
Hello, Mr.
Burns.
Like to watch the fight? The fight! Don't mind if I do.
Oh, Simpson.
Good news.
I brought some munchies.
Smithers, the Cheetos.
In but a few scant minutes, the anticipation-- -Simpson? -Yes.
-You have an illegal cable hookup.
-No.
No, l-- It wasn't me.
It was my wife's idea.
Yeah! Hey, hey, hey.
Settle down, fella.
We were hoping we could watch the fight.
Oh, sure, sure.
Be my guest.
-Here's lemonade for your protest.
-Thanks, Mom.
-It isn't going very well.
-Don't give up.
When you love somebody, you must have faith that they will do the right thing.
He learned how to fight in the projects of Capital City and honed his skills while serving time for assault in Springfield Prison.
All right! A local boy! For 5 years, I was away from my kids and their mothers.
The conditions were irrevocable.
Assault.
Manslaughter.
Stealing cable TV! Marge! Lisa! Maggie! Shake hands.
Keep it clean.
Come on, boy! Excuse me.
I hate to interrupt your judging me.
I've made a couple of important decisions.
Number one: I'm cutting the cable when the fight's over.
Number two: I'm not very fond of any of you.
-Back to the fight.
-Get down! We may have saved your soul.
Tatum is reeling! Yeah, at the worst possible time.
Eight! Nine! Ten! This fight is history! It's done! A stunning knockout by a thunderous punch in the 12th round.
Tatum is the new champion of the world! Everyone to my place for squishies and microwave burritos.
Best fight ever and I missed it.
We're really proud of you.
-What a donnybrook! -Hogwash! I once watched Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo bare-knuckled for 113 rounds! Back then, if it was less than 50 rounds, we demanded our nickel back! -Cable clippers.
-Here you go.
-Go for it, Dad.
-I beg you to reconsider.
Tractor pulls.
Atlanta Braves baseball.
Joe Franklin! Third time's a charm.