The Simpsons s03e20 Episode Script

Colonel Homer

##Ahh, the Simpsons ## D'oh! Look, Dad, there's a spot.
- D'oh! - There's a spot, dear.
D'oh! Oh, there's a good one.
That spot says ''compact only.
'' Marge, that's just a suggested car size.
How am I doin' on the right? We're getting a lot of sparks here, Dad.
All right, everybody, out the window.
They all look great.
What are we going to see? Ernest Cuts the Cheese.
! Honey, I Hit a School Bus.
! Look Who's Oinking.
! Since we'll never agree, why don't you kids pick a movie your dad and I will pick one, then we'll all meet in the lobby later.
Thanks, Mom.
- Two tickets for-- - Let me guess.
Look Who's Oinking.
- That's right.
- Sold out.
Maybe we could see something a little more adult.
Why, Marge, you frisky little devil.
[ Sexy Growl .]
We'll take two tickets to The Stockholm Affair.
The paper called it a taut political thriller.
Political? Mr.
President, disturbing news.
Serious cracks are developing in the Greco-Bolivian alliance.
Get meJed Colic! Oh, this movie's too complicated.
Hey, the floor's sticky.
Who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said, ''Who's that guy?'' Oh, that submarine is so fake.
Look, you can see the strings.
Ooh! An octopus! - Shh! - What? If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.
Just tell me when the scary part's over.
- It's over.
- I think that guy's a spy.
- Of course he's a spy.
You just saw him go through spy school.
Oh, wait.
I heard how this ends.
Turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter.
It's pretty obvious if you think about it.
Shut up, Homer! No one wants to hear what you think! Yeah! Homer, if it makes you feel any better most of what they threw at you splattered on me.
Homer? Forget it, Mom.
Dad's really mad.
His tendons are throbbing.
Stress is collecting in the trouble spots-- here, here, and here-- making for one unhappy pappy.
Homie, aren't you coming inside? Marge, I have always carried myself with a certain quiet dignity.
Tonight, you robbed me of it.
I'm going now, and I don't know when you'll see me again.
I guess that executive stress ball we got him isn't working.
Eww, a skunk.
Oh, no! - Ooh, a redneck bar.
Hey, you, let's fight.
Them's fightin' words.
Duff, please.
We don't sell Duff.
We sell Fudd.
Okay, Fudd me.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen he's all healed up and back for more.
Let's give a big drunken welcome to Yodeling Zeke.
Yodel-lay-hee Yodel-lay-hee Odel-lay-hee Our next act is our very own singing waitress-- Lurleen.
So I'm afraid drink service will stop for a moment-- They're all yours.
Stupid Marge.
Tell me to shut up.
Thank you.
Tonight I'd like to try something different.
It's a song I wrote while I was mopping up your dried blood and teeth.
You work all day for some old man - # Sweat and break your back # - Yeah.
Then you go home to your castle But your queen won't cut you slack That's true.
That's why you're losing all your hair - #That's why you're overweight # - Uh-huh.
That's why you flipped your pickup truck Right off the interstate That's right, except for the truck.
There's a lot of bull they hand you There's nothing you can do Your wife don't understand you But I do No, your wife don't understand you But I do I said, no one understands you But I do Hey, Lurleen? I gotta say something to you.
- I'm listening.
- Your song touched me in a way I've never felt before.
And which way to the can? - So, what's your name, stranger? - HomerJ.
I'm Lurleen Lumpkin.
- That's a pretty name.
- You think so? Maybe.
I'm not sure.
I forgot it.
Bye, Lurleen.
So long, HomerJ.
Where were you all night? I was at this bar in Spittle County.
You should have called.
I was worried.
Let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.
##I work all day ## Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder.
Put it back! Put it back! ## Your wife don't understand you ## But I do Gee, Homer's singing to his ball again.
- He's bowling a 280.
- Oh, yeah? There's a kind of hush All over the world tonight Moe, you got any Fudd? Fudd? They took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.
No-- I went to this bar the other night and-- Wait a minute.
You went to another bar? Moe, I was 1 00 miles out of town.
Oh, Homer.
Well, if it isn't HomerJ.
I can't get your song out of my mind.
I haven't felt this way since ''Funkytown.
'' Aren't you sweet.
Can I get a copy of it? Sorry, darling.
All my songs are up here-- ''I'm Basting a Turkey With My Tears'' ''Don't Look Up My Dress Unless You Mean It'' ''I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth.
'' We've got to crack open your head and scoop out those songs.
- I don't know.
- Come with me.
I said no one understands you But I do Listen, ma'am.
My brother owns a radio station in Weevilville and I'd like to take your C.
to him.
Homer, it's your quarter.
What do you say? I guess so.
This is KUDD 570 AM.
Don't touch that dial.
You've got KUDD on it.
You work all day for some old man Sweat and break your back For the next half hour, beer's on the house.
- What did you say, Moe? - Nothing.
I thought I told you to stay away from my sister! But your queen won't cut you slack Oh, here's 50 bucks.
Take her to the Copa.
Now you talk so tough and act so rough It's payback time.
The heartache and the sadness That's buried deep inside Aww.
Puts this whole riot into perspective, doesn't it? No one understands you, but I do She's wonderful.
I could feel her country soul in every digitally encoded bit.
Country music sucks.
It takes precious air space from shock deejays whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.
Shut up, boy.
Marge, what do you think? It's nice, but who is this woman? Right now she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress but she's going to be a country music superstar like that jerk in the cowboy hat and that dead lady.
I don't like you hanging around some waitress.
You make it sound so seamy.
All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on some outfits.
Hi, Lurleen.
We were just talking about you.
I think I can come over.
Let me ask my wife.
It's a date.
Oh, Homer.
Everybody's been calling-- Mama, Daddy, the triplets Vonda Mae, PineyJoe-- and I owe it all to you.
Don't thank me.
You should be thanking your brain.
Oh, Homer.
No man has ever been this nice to me without you know, wanting something in return.
I was gonna ask for some water, but now I feel guilty about it.
Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
- Thanks.
You did say ''sugar,'' right? - Uh-huh.
Now, Homer, I want you to be my manager.
Really? I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
- That's okay.
- I make stupid decisions.
- Nobody's perfect.
- I did bad in school.
- I didn't even go.
- My personal hygiene has been described as-- Homer, Homer, you'll be a great manager.
There's only one thing you need.
This is made from a space-age fabric developed especially for Elvis.
Sweat actually cleans this suit.
Marge, look at me.
I don't want to.
I'm mad at you.
I'm sick of that waitress and this whole country music thing.
Then you'd better not look at me.
Homer, where did you get that suit? A friend bought it for me.
Was it Lurleen? No.
I think it was Lenny.
Don't lie to me.
- Are you having an affair? - No! - Have you kissed her? - No! - Has she kissed you? - Couple of times.
I want you to stop seeing her.
I can't.
I'm her manager.
Her manager! That's ridiculous.
I won't allow you to spend any more time away from your family.
You're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer! Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie.
You did it at the county fair last year, remember? Lurleen will be a big success, and I'll be there.
See if I care! [ Man .]
This studio has history.
Buddy Holly stood here in 1 958 and said ''There is no way in hell I'll record in this dump.
'' I'm sure Lurleen will love it.
How much did you just give that man? Calm down, Marge.
Just our life savings.
I'm not going into hock for this.
Hey, Colonel Homer.
And you must be-- - Mrs.
Homer Simpson.
- Charmed.
I thought you said she was overweight.
It takes two to lie-- one to lie and one to listen.
What does that mean? I don't have time to answer that.
Time is money.
Come on, people.
Well, come on, boys.
Let's break some hearts.
Oh, the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart When the coach called me up to the plate I'd been swingin' and missin' At lovin' and kissin' My average was point double-0 eight So I spit on my hands Knockin' dirt from my spikes And pointed right towards center field This time I'm hittin' a home run This time love is for real Hey, Dad, can I do a hambone solo? Stop it.
for you I been slumpin' all season But now I found a reason I struck on a love that is true I used to play the field I used to be a roamer But season's turnin' around for me now I finally bagged me a Homer That's right.
I finally bagged me a Homer Lurleen, we'll have to cut you off.
We're getting a grinding noise on the track.
You, off the bench.
Guess what, Lurleen.
I got you a gig on TV.
Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome.
Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
Now, on this show they want you to sing two songs.
Maybe we should give them something new.
Well, I have been working on something that could really heat things up.
Let's hear it.
In this trailer I get so cold and lonely Lyin' there awake at night Muttering, ''If only you weren't married'' So I might ask you to Bunk with me tonight Bunk with me tonight Oh, bunk with me tonight I'm asking will you bunk with me Tonight Oh, that's hot.
There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that.
Well, good-bye.
Uh, Homer, there's a hidden message to this song that you may have missed.
Really listen.
Bunk with me tonight - Uh-huh.
- # Bunk with me # Tonight - Right.
- # I'm asking # #Will you bunk # #With me tonight ## - Lurleen! - That's right, HomerJ.
I gotta think about this.
All our money's tied up in this woman.
If she fails, we're broke.
If she succeeds, I have no husband.
I don't know what to root for.
- You don't? - I gotta go.
- Homer? - Later, Marge.
Lurleen's on TV tonight.
I gotta get ready.
Just so you know, while you and Lurleen were out judging that greased pig contest Maggie got her first tooth.
That's great, honey.
Have you seen my rattlesnake hatband? You're not even listening to me.
Sure they will.
Kids, will you come in here? You've got a wonderful family, Homer.
Please don't forget it when you walk out that door tonight.
Uh, I gotta go.
As much as I hate that man right now you got to love that suit.
Hold on to your pitchforks, everybody.
It's time again for Ya Hoo.
! Starring, in alphabetical order Yodeling Zeke, ButterballJackson Freddie Boy and Yuma, Cloris Moselle Big Shirtless Ron Orville and Hurley, Gappy Mae Hip Diddler, Rudy the Ya Hoo Recovering AlcoholicJug Band and tonight, in her syndicated TV debut-- Lurleen! Oh, the bases were empty Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson? - Yes, I am.
- I'm from Rebel Yell Records.
- I'm interested in buying Lurleen's contract.
- Forget it, pal.
They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.
Lurleen, they loved you.
I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay.
Is there anything you need? Well, you could make my evening complete.
What's wrong? My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes.
- Gross! Thanks for dinner.
Ow! No! At least, could I have my dollar-- I'll love you for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry, Lurleen.
All I wanted to do was share your beautiful voice with other people, and I've done that.
Now, I'd better get out of here before I lose my family.
Just so I don't wonder--you would have gone all the way with me? - Uh-huh.
- Ooh.
Before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen and I'll take any offer.
- I'll give you 50 bucks.
- You son of a-- Sold.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
- You bitter? - Yep.
Bit him too.
And now, once again-- Lurleen.
Homer? Is there any room in that bed for a dad-burned fool? Always has been.
I'd like to play a song I wrote just this minute.
It's called ''Stand By Your Manager.
'' His name is Homer He's quite a man I tried to kiss him But Homer ran Sure wish I could say That I was his I hope that Marge knows Just how lucky she is I do.
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