The Simpsons s04e04 Episode Script

Lisa the Beauty Queen

[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [Calliope] [Man]Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth' is a registered Disneyland copyright.
Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.
And it's heading for a great big lawsuit.
You made a big mistake, Skinner.
Well, so did you.
You got an ex-Green Beret mad.
- [ Groaning, Gagging ] - [ Gasps ] [ Groans ] Copyright expired.
And begin! This sucks.
- Aah! - Ha-ha! Pick the red, get ahead.
Pick the black, set you back.
Hmm.
I don't recall authorizing this booth.
Good-bye, gentlemen.
- [ All Gasp ] - [ Coughing ] Get your haggis right here! Chopped heart and lungs boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ya! [ Mutters, Groans ] I'd say 53 years old and 420 pounds.
- Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239.
- Hmm.
[Rock Over P.
A.
] Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster.
Ooh! Challenge accepted! [Continues] - I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over.
- [Spectators Gasping] [ Yelling, Shouting ] Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"! Hand over all your money.
- [Milhouse Grunts] - Was it scary? - Uh-huh.
- Ooh, baby.
Uh-oh.
- So, girlie, you like roller-skating? - No.
Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating.
Okay, you can turn around now.
- [ Gasps ] - [Spectators Laughing] Oh, my God! I'm ugly! Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling of four grand prize-- a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp! A ride on the Duff blimp.
You see the circular pattern on those fields? - That's from central-pivot irrigation.
- Wow.
Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl.
[ Crowd Cheering ] [ Crowd Chanting ] Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! - [ Chanting Stops ] - [Man]Oops.
Sorry.
[ Chanting Continues ] Homer! Homer! Homer! [ Softly] Homer! Homer! Homer! But first, our second-prize winner and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer-- Ned Flanders! [ Gasps ] Ah! - [Man]Go, Ned! - Oh, it's no fair.
- We'll never have a buffer.
- We have one at home.
- You never use it.
- Well, I want that one.
And the winner of the blimp ride is Homer Simpson! Oh, my God! [ Whimpers ] [ Singing ] [ Sobbing ] Honey, what's wrong? Dad, do you think I'm ugly? What are you talking about? [ Chuckling ] Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.
It's just how you might look If you were a cartoon character.
- I'm an ugmo.
- Now, that's not true.
You're cute as a bug's ear.
Fathers have to say that stuff.
Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? - No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - There.
See? I'd like to be alone, please.
[ Sobbing ] Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? - Mmm, no.
- How about you, Barney? Not for a second.
[ Belches ] Yeah.
I need help.
[Together] Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.
Well, now there's a way to prove it.
Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson! This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield Pageant.
You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV.
[ Inhales, Exhales ] Ahh.
That sweet Carolina smoke.
But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant for little girls age seven to nine.
Lisa's age seven to nine! Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown! I heartily endorse this event or product.
What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning.
- That could be Lisa! - The Little Miss Springfield Pageant.
Only $250 to enter.
Oh! Hey, Barney, will you give me Sure! [ Gasps ] Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist.
Since they stopped testing on animals a guy like me can really clean up.
[ Gulping ] I'm hideous.
Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up.
[ Singing ] - So you think I'm ugly? - No! No, I meant you were one Of the good-looking ducks that makes fun of the ugly one.
Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again.
Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? - What are you talking about? - I sent in an application for you.
I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller skates.
How could you? I won't do it! [ Sobbing ] Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks.
- This is the last thing she needs.
- But I think she'll win.
Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba, hubba! [ Panting ] [ Howling ] Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.
You're looking at her through a father's eyes.
Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would.
- But to me, she's beautiful.
- That is so sweet.
Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything.
But do you know how your father got the money to enter you in this pageant? - Nope.
- He sold his ride on the Duff blimp.
But that ride meant everything to him! [ Singing Sadly] I'll do it.
- Did you see Tina Epstein? - Whoa! If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge.
Uh-oh.
- Amber Dempsey.
- In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
- She's beautiful.
- Wait.
She's about to bring out the big guns.
- Eyelash implants.
- I thought those were illegal.
Not in Paraguay.
There's no way I can beat this girl.
She's the Jack Nicklaus Of the pageant circuit.
Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus.
[ Humming ] I meant because they both win all the time, Mom.
Oh.
Well, yes.
That's what I meant too.
Well, tell you what.
This afternoon I'll take you to the beauty parlor and show you just how lovely you can be.
And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- taping your swimsuit to your butt petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile and the ancient art of padding.
[ Purring ] - Are we done? - We are just warming up.
Oh, isn't this dangerous? Don't worry.
I am well protected.
Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks.
She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.
No, she won't.
When it comes to compliments women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return.
- Like what? - I'll tell you when you're older.
- [ Chuckling ] - [Door Slams Shut] [ Gasps ] Is that Lisa? Ooh, I gotta call heaven.
There's an angel missing.
And who's your little school friend? Wait a minute.
That's Mom! - Oh, my goodness! How gallant! - Isn't that nice? Thank you.
I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight.
- Hey, hey! - Whoo-hoo! - Dad, you know anything else about women? - Nope, that's it.
Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour.
You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice cream store keeps such a trim figure.
I've misjudged you.
[ Piano ] [ Piano ] I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause! Ooh! Shudder! And the winner is Lisa Simpson! - [ Gasps ] - Okay, wipe away a tear.
Hug the loser.
And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway.
Whoa! Ooh! Aah! It's hopeless! There's nothin' to it.
Give me those heels.
Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe.
Hmm.
Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.
But those other girls are prettier than me.
Lise, as your brother this is the hardest thing I've every had to say.
- You're not ugly.
- Oh, Bart! [Up-tempo] [ Talking Over Music ] Out on our own! Making it work! Gasping for air! Having it all! My name is Amber Dempsey, and when I grow up I want to be a sweetie pie.
[Applause] I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon and tonight I will be playing "Mac Arthur Park" on the tabla.
[ Laughing ] No, I am serious.
Yes! Judges, there's your queen.
- Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart? - [ Both Gasp ] - [ Grunting ] - [ Laughing ] My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place! Yeah! Clean up this stink-hole! [ Panting, Grunts ] Krusty! About time you got here.
Yeah, yeah.
What is this-- the, uh, Republican fund-raiser? Checking it out! Hitting the heights! Making a wish! Dreaming a dream! [ Singing ] - [ All ] Me! - ####[Ends] Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right.
[ Singing ] [ Snoring ] Oh, that just kept goin', huh? And now here's Lisa Simpson! They'll love you just as much as I do.
Thanks, Dad.
Mmm.
Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned uncool, real melvin.
Well, to them I say-- [ Singing Patriotic Song ] One, two, three, four! ## [ Singing Rock And Roll Song] [ Cheering ] This is my favorite part Of the pageant, because-- What does that say? Oh.
It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality.
Uh, personally.
Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights is a good thing or a bad thing? - Um-- - Take your time, dear.
Good thing.
[ All Fawning ] And now it's time to name our runner-up who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties-- [ Muttering Incoherently] And don't say it'll never happen because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name.
Click, click.
You know.
Okay, the runner-up is [ Groans ] - [Cymbal Crash] - Lisa Simpson! Which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield! [Applause] [Orchestra] [ Singing ] Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food.
But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey as she helps open the Danish super-chain "Shop.
" Scott, everyone is here from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff blimp.
- Hi.
Can I drive? - Well, I can't see the harm.
[Barney Yelling] Oh, the humanity! Anyway to turn on the store's "severe tire damage" spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.
[Fanfare] Oh, dear.
It would be a shame If that pretty dress got wet.
I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod.
Unless it's made out of plastic.
- [ Thunderclap ] - Nope.
Metal.
Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.
[Man] Doctor, what is Amber's condition? Oh, she'll be fine.
In fact she's already won the Little Miss Intensive Care Pageant.
Congratulations, Lisa.
You're the new Little Miss Springfield.
Here's your scepter.
Oop! [ Laughing ] just kidding.
Here you go.
Oop! [ Laughing ] just kidding.
[ Yelling ] I deserved that.
That doesn't look like her body.
The torso used to be Dr.
Ruth.
Her head is on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors.
[Wolf Howling] - [Wolf Whistles] - Hi, fellas.
Love that "chewing gum" walk.
Very Wrigley.
As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure to welcome you to America the land of opportunity.
Actually, they're being deported.
[ Minor Key] [Man Over P.
A.
]And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome to Mr.
Bob Hope! - What's the mayor's name? - Quimby.
Beautiful.
[Orchestra] Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.
- ####[Ends] - Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golfball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.
[ Howling Laughter] And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on.
Little Miss Springfield.
- Isn't she beautiful? - Little Miss Springfield? First, Tony Randall cancels.
Now this.
- [ Yelling, Shouting ] - Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! Hey, set me down at that boat show.
I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes? Mm-hmm.
We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies.
It's part of our new campaign.
Mmm, classy.
[ Gasps ] You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie.
A lot of the people who smoke our product have been well, dying.
And we need young smokers to take their place.
I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! But you're a role model To young people.
And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose.
[ Coughs, Spits ] Bless you, boys.
- Homer, those are ice cream men.
- I know.
[ Gasps ] - Stop this float! - [ Tires Screech ] - What's the holdup? Go! - I'm tired of being a corporate shill.
[ Grunts ] From now on, I will speak out against the evils in society from dog-napping to cigarettes.
[Lisa] Before I sing the national anthem I'd like to say that college football diverts funds badly needed for education and the arts.
- Is that true? - Let's get 'em! [ Grunting ] Let's get out of here! [ Grunting Continues ] Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out and Amber Dempsey back in.
But this glorified, crossing-guard-of-a-police Chief won't get off his big fat can.
Is it okay if I open these potato chips? - [ Groans ] - Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.
Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application.
Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne.
Yeah, and some dip for these chips or somethin'.
Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield.
She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.
Well, that's obviously the wrong footage.
Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson filled out the pageant application incorrectly.
In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay.
" If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen.
- You must hate me.
- Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? - I don't know.
Was I drunk? - Possibly.
But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life? It's a deal.
And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul I.
That's it.
I cannot work under these conditions.
If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.
Call the weekend guy.
I don't care.
[Door Slams Shut] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!