The Simpsons s04e14 Episode Script

Brother From the Same Planet

[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Exhales ] Eye of the tiger, Bart.
Eye of the-- [ Grunts ] - I stopped it.
- And I hurt somebody.
Ha-ha.
[ Blows Whistle ] Boys, it wasn't easy choosing only one of you for the free week at Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp.
Let's all congratulate Nelson! - [Scattered Clapping] - Thanks, Dad! Told ya.
[Car Approaching] - [ Tires Screech ] - Come on, Bart.
We're gonna go sneak into an R-rated movie.
It's called Barton Fink.
I can't.
I told my dad I'd wait for him.
Barton Fink! Barton Fink! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Barton Fink! Homer, we're going to my sisters'.
- Remember, pick up Bart.
- I'm on my way.
[ Applause On TV] - [Door Closes] - [ Chuckling ] What'd you say, Marge? - [Thunder Rumbling] - [ Moans ] That could be Dad.
Station wagon.
Luggage rack.
[ Singing Pop ] [Singing Stops] [Thunderclap] Wha-- [ Grunts ] Dad, where are you? [ Announcer] Tonight on Wings-- Ah, who cares? [ Shivering ] This isn't funny! Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson.
Pick up Bart.
Pick up Bart! "Trab Pu Kcip.
" "Trab Pu Kcip!" What have we told you about writing on the walls? Go to your room! [TV Announcer] After 16gloriousseasons the Green Bay faithful bid farewell to Bryan Bartlett Starr.
Hmm.
I keep thinking I'm forgetting something.
[Crowd On TV] Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart.
Bart.
Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart.
- Bart.
- [ Belching ] Bart.
I can't think with all this noise.
What am I supposed to do? [ Thinking ] Pick up Bart.
Pick up Bart.
"Pigabar"? What the hell is "pigabar"? [ Snoring ] [ Tires Screech ] Bart? Bart! [ Gasps ] Why? How? When? Which? Bart! Dad, hide your shame! - [Ned]Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle.
- Shutup, Flanders.
Hey, boy, how was soccer practice? [ Air Hissing ] [Tires Screeching] Hey, Bart.
Son? Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry.
Ooh.
I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kind of mad too.
I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home.
But let's just say we're both wrong, and that'll be that.
[ Scary Voice ] Now, how 'bout a hug? - [Krusty On TV]Hello, New York.
- [Audience Cheering] When Lorne asked me to host this show I said, "Lorne, why me?" [ Laughing ] I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine-- Yeah! [ Man Coughing ] Anyway, we got a great show for you.
Well, actually the last half hour's a real garbage dump.
[ Sighs ] We'll be right back.
[ Blues ] I miss Joe Piscopo.
- [ Man ] Lost your dad? - Uh-huh.
- He's not coming back, is he? - He might.
No, he's not.
But at Bigger Brothers, we can help.
Hello, Bigger Brothers? My name is Bart Simpson and I don't have a father.
[ Announcer] And now it's time for another episode of-- Honey, I'm home.
Oh, I got wax in my ears.
Better clean 'em.
- Hah? Hah? - [ Man In Audience Coughing ] [ Groans ] This goes on for 1 2 more minutes.
So the last time you saw your father was six years ago? Yeah.
He left me out on the curb for the ashman.
What a revoltin' development.
You brave little soldier.
I've been saving someone special for a case like yours.
[ Tires Screech ] [ Gasping ] - Bart Simpson? - Yo.
I'm Tom.
Let's ride.
Ohh.
Bart's dad has really pulled himself together.
- Bart's not mad at me.
- He called you a bad father.
Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good.
" And to shake your booty means to wiggle one's butt.
- Permit me to demonstrate.
- No! I just think you should talk to Bart about-- Good Lord! Homer, do you have an explanation for this bill? Oh, it's that record club.
The first nine were only a penny.
Then they jacked up the price! [ Crying ] It's not fair.
It's not fair, I tells ya.
No, no.
Someone made $300 worth of phone calls to something called the "Corey Hotline.
" - Wasn't me.
- [ Gasps ] Lisa! Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa? I did.
- Dad, can I-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ah, honey, I know what you're going through.
When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman.
The point is I want you to stop making these calls.
All right, Mom.
I promise you will never be billed for another call.
[ Giggling ] Bobby Sherman.
[ Groans ] - ####["Charge'"] - [ Chattering ] [ All ] Charge! - Your dad ever take you to baseball games? - Nah.
His game was blackjack.
He bet our life savings on a single hand.
- Nineteen.
- Hit me.
- Twenty.
- Hit me.
- Twenty-one.
- Hit me.
- Twenty-two.
- D'oh! If I ever meet your dad-- [Man On P.
A.
] The start of the game will be delayed so we can introduce the recruiter for the Springfield Communist Party.
- [Crowd Jeering] - Boo! [ Sighs ] This is better than dart day.
Now, you just let those ear drops sit for about 20 minutes.
If you get bored, here's a MASH coloring book.
Here's a good one-- "Hawkeye's antics irritate the other surgeons.
" [ Chuckles ] [ Man ] Hi, you've reached the Corey Hotline-- 4.
95 a minute.
Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Glory, story-- - [ Sighs ] - allegory, Montessori.
[ Straining ] Okay, Bart, tomorrow we'll blast your quads.
[ Slurping ] This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy.
That's not meatball soup.
That's my collection of fur balls in stomach acid.
You idiot! You're trying to kill me, man! Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot like my hero, Tom.
He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[ Whirring ] Hey-- [ Grunting ] He's not dead, is he, Bart? Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for a while.
Very good, Bart.
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.
Mmm.
Milhouse, you're next.
Uh, I have a horsie.
[ Imitates Neighing ] Wuss! [Grampa] Lisa, I'm glad you came.
I know you young'uns think we old-timers aren't any fun but we'll show 'em.
We'll show 'em all! [ Laughing ] [ Snoring ] - [ Gasps ] - [ Dialing, Ringing ] Hi, this is Corey.
I hope you and I can get married someday.
Hey, boy, where're you going? - Father-son picnic.
- Have a good time.
- [Door Slamming] - Hey-- Wait a minute.
Lisa, I know I can trust you - to inventory this glee club peanut brittle.
- Yes, Principal Skinner.
Now, I gotta slash So long [ Mumbles ] science.
- Ah, music and art.
- [ Beeping ] - What in blazes? - [ Beeping Continues ] - [ Rings ] - Good Lord! That's a 900 number.
[ Corey] Let's see what's in the newspaper today.
- [ Paper Rustling ] - Hmm.
Canada stalls on trade pact.
- [ Clicks ] - [ Gasps ] Hey, look at that forest fire down there.
- Yeah, great.
- What's the matter? Well, I've been thinking, you've been really great to me but there's probably some other kid who needs you even more.
Bart, I could kiss you if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't.
No one needs me more than a child with your tragic upbringing.
Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand.
So, that's it! [ Engine Whirring, Tires Screeching ] Hello, son.
- Where have you been? - Playing with Milhouse.
No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? - Look at me! - Dad, it just kind of happened.
You're taking this too hard.
How would you like me to take it? "Go ahead, Bart.
Have your fun.
I'll be waiting for you"? I'm sorry.
- I can't do it! - Well, what are you gonna do? [ Gulps ] Oh-ho.
You'll see.
And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother? [ Thinking ] Don't say revenge.
Don't say revenge.
Uh, revenge? [ Thinking ] That's it.
I'm gettin' out of here.
[ Footsteps Departing, Door Slamming ] Welcome aboard, Mr.
Simpson.
Any of these boys would be thrilled to have a bigger brother like you.
Ugly.
Wiener.
Crater-face.
Suey! Suey! Eh, maybe this was a mistake.
Do you have a bigger brother for me yet? Okay.
I'll be back in an hour.
[Door Closes] [ Whimpering, Sniffing ] I'll take him.
Do you have him in blond? Lisa, the only way you'll lick this is one day at a time.
If you can make it to midnight without calling the Corey line you'll know you've beaten it forever.
-[Lisa] Midnight? - Listen to your mother, Lisa.
I owe everything I have to my mother's watchful eye and swift hand.
Oh, there's Mother now-- - [Crow Cawing] - watching me.
What's that, Mother? They have a right to be here.
It's school business.
I-- Mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore! - [ Groans ] I think we should go.
- Uh-huh.
[Sirens Blaring In Distance] [ Snoring ] [ Chuckling ] just like Oscar the Grouch.
- Pepi! - Papa Homer! Son, your life is gonna get better - starting now.
- Ow.
Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Oh, he is.
Son, I just want you to know I love you very much.
Shut up! Mmm.
Grapefruit.
[ Slurps ] I just press this button and the door opens like magic.
- Why does it stop there? - Because it's a stupid piece of junk! [ Shouting ] Well, I'd better Get you home.
- What's the matter? - I've spent every night of my life in the city.
I have never seen the stars.
Tell me more.
I want to know all the constellations.
Well, there's jerry the cowboy.
And that big dipper looking thing is Alan the cowboy.
Oh, Papa Homer, you are so learned.
[ Laughs ] "Learnd," son.
It's pronounced "learnd.
" I love you, Papa Homer.
I love you too, Pepsi.
- Pepi.
- Pepi.
[ Thinking ] Gotta make it till midnight.
Gotta make it till midnight.
[ Ringing ] - [ Ticking ] - [ Needles Clicking ] [Noises Intensify] Must you be forever dialing that phone? Excuse me.
Oh, come on.
Hurry! Lisa? Oh, Lisa.
You tried your best.
[ Operator] At the tone, the time will be [ Beeps ] I made it.
[ Theme ] [ Groaning ] [ Screams ] [ Growling ] Hey, Homer, have you seen my skateboard? - I gave it to Pepi.
- Who the hell is Pepi? He's my little brother.
That's right.
You're not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization.
Who needs you? Tom's a better father than you ever were.
Come on, Bart.
We had our fun.
Remember when I used to push you on the swing? I was fakin' it.
- [ Gasps ] Liar! - Oh, yeah? Remember this? "Higher, Dad.
Higher.
- "Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad.
" - Hey, stop that.
- "Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!" - Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You know, the whale is not really a fish.
They're mammals, like you and me.
- Is that true? - [ Snorts ] No.
[Dolphin Twittering] - Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it.
- [ Twitters ] Whoo! [ Laughing ] Come and get it.
Whoo! [ Laughing ] Stupid dolphin.
- [ Chirps ] - You g-- Hey! Hey! [ Grunting ] - [ Twittering ] - [ Grunts ] He got my hot dog! - [Grunting] - Uh-oh.
Better not let him see me.
What the-- Oh, it's you.
[ Clicks Tongue ] So, you're looking well.
Come on, Bart.
You know better than to talk to strangers.
For your information, I'm his father.
His father-- the drunken gambler? That's right.
And who might you be? [ Grunts ] Hi-yah! [ Shouting ] Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo! There you go, fellas.
D'oh! - Look! There's another disadvantaged boy.
- Where? [Grunting] There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
They still sell those frozen bananas? - I think so.
- Let's roll.
This just in.
A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield.
Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh.
A bunch of drunken frat boys.
All right.
I could use some names.
I.
P.
Freely.
L-- [ Groans ] [Blow Landing] - [ Grunts ] - [ Grunting ] [ Shouting ] [Glass Shattering] [Homer Groaning] - Uh, Homer? - [ Grunting ] Oh, right.
[Grunts] [ Both Grunting, Shouting ] [Yelling] - [ Bones Cracking ] - This is even more painful than it looks.
This is all my fault, Dad.
I didn't want you to get hurt.
Now I need to find another little brother.
And I need to find another big brother.
My car's gonna feel so empty on the ride home.
And me, I have no ride at all.
I already bought a giant ham for dinner.
It's gonna go to waste.
Don't talk about food.
I'm so hungry.
- Well, good-bye.
- Well, good-bye.
Wait.
I've got an idea.
- An idea? - Huh? - Another beer, Dad? - Thanks, son.
Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go you kicked him in the back? [ Chuckling ] Yeah? Will you teach me how to do that? Sure, boy.
First, you gotta shriek like a woman.
And keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust.
That's when it's time to kick some back.
-And then when he's lying out on the ground-- - Yeah? - Kick him in the ribs.
- Yeah? -Step on his neck.
- Yeah? -And run like hell.
-[Both Laughing] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!