The Simpsons s04e17 Episode Script

Last Exit to Springfield

[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Gulping ] [ Classical ] - [ Clinking Glass ] - My friends! Tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation.
Swank.
Ten times more addictive than marijuana.
- Ooh! - To human misery! - [ Rattling ] - [ All Gasping ] Uh? - Nice to see you.
- McBain! [ All Grunting ] - [ Gasps ] - Yes.
[ Grunts ] Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it.
- Have a salmon puff.
- All right.
[ Gags, Screams ] [ Sinister Laughing ] That is one evil dude.
It's just a movie, son.
There's nobody that evil in real life.
[ Sinister Laughing ] [ Gasping ] - [Screaming] - Smithers, where's that union representative? He's 20 minutes late.
Uh, I don't know, sir.
He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union.
Whoa! What the hell? Well, let's look at the contract ourselves, eh? Benefits, perks, a green cookie on St.
Patrick's Day? Oh-ho, it didn't use to be this way, Smithers.
No, it didn't use to be this way at all.
Come on, come on! Crack those atoms! You, turn out those pockets! Atoms.
One, two, three, four-- Six of them! Take him away! You can't treat the workingman this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve.
Then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless and the Japanese will eat us alive! The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? [ Laughs ] Bosh! Flimshaw! If only we had listened to that boy instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Well, I am going to avenge my grandfather.
We'll take on that greedy union and we'll get back our dental plan.
- How often do you brush, Ralph? - Three times a day, sir.
Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? You're right! I don't brush! [ Crying ] I don't brush.
Let's look at a picture book The Big Book of British Smiles.
[ Sobbing ] That's enough! That's enough! Dr.
Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth, so he can sell 'em.
To who? You know that rattle when you shake up spray paint? - That's a kid's tooth.
- [ Shuddering ] Maggie's teeth are coming in crooked.
Has she been sucking on a pacifier? - Uh not to my knowledge.
- Liar! I'm also afraid little Lisa is going to need braces.
Oh, no! I'll be socially unpopular.
- More so.
- Are you sure, Doctor? Well, judge for yourself.
Here's Lisa today.
Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11 age 14, age 17 and, finally, age 18.
- [ Gasps ] - Cool! She'll be a freak.
Bart! We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander.
[ TV: Man ] Now stay tuned for professional wrestling live from the Springfield Grapplarium.
Tonight, a Texas death match-- Dr.
Hillbilly versus The Iron Yuppie! One man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring! I hope they kill that Iron Yuppie.
Thinks he's so big.
Homer, Lisa needs braces.
Don't worry.
We won a dental plan in the strike of'88.
That's where I got this scar.
What do we want? More equitable treatment in the hands of management! - [Carl] When do we want it? - [All]Soon! Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Ow! Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.
- [People Chattering] - [Electrical Feedback] Welcome, brothers ofLocal643.
As you know, our president, Chucky Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately.
We're all praying he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
Oh, all right, all right.
But seriously, we have to vote on Burns's new contract.
It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetin'.
[ All ] Yea! In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.
So long, dental plan! - [Lenny's Voice] Dental plan! - [Marge's Voice] Lisa needs braces.
- Dental plan! - Lisa needs braces.
- Dental plan! - Lisa needs braces.
- Dental plan! - Lisa needs braces.
- Dental plan! - Lisa needs braces.
- Dental plan! - Lisa needs braces.
Bull's-eye! [ Chortles ] Thanks a lot, Carl.
Now I've lost my train of thought.
- Dental plan! - Lisa needs braces.
- Dental plan! - Lisa needs braces.
If we give up our dental plan I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces! People, stop! We can't give up our dental plan! Lenny, without that dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth.
- Yoink! - Hey! And, Gummy Joe, where would you be without that dental plan? Well, I wouldn't have old chomper here, that's for sure.
You know what I think of this contract? - This! [ Angry Grunting ] - [ Cheering ] Yeah! - Who is that firebrand, Smithers? - That's Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh? New man? Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown and his wife painted you in the nude-- Eh, doesn't ring a bell.
[ Chanting ] Homer! Homer! Homer! I move that Homer Simpson be our new union president.
- All in favor? - Aye! - All opposed? -[Man]Nay.
- Congratulations, Homer.
- [ Cheering ] - Hey, what does this job pay? - Nothin'.
- D'oh! - Unless you're crooked.
Whoo-hoo! President of the union? I'm so proud of you, Homie.
This is your chance to get a fair shake for the workingman.
And make lifelong connections to the world of organized crime.
Hmm.
Organized crime.
Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just for you.
Mmm.
Grazie.
Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
Moltobene.
That's a nice a-donut.
Do you think you can get the dental plan back? Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator-- Mr.
Burns or me.
Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
Done and done! [ Laughing ] D'oh! Lisa and Marge, these braces are invisible, painless and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's Obsession for Teeth.
[ Sniffing ] Hmm! Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now so we'll need something a little more affordable.
These predate stainless steel so you can't get them wet.
[ Coughs ] Hmm, he's a worthy foe.
Look at him, Smithers.
Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine.
[ Grunting ] Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time.
Mmm! We don't have to be adversaries, Homer.
We both want a fair union contract.
[ Thinking ] Why is Mr.
Burns being so nice to me? And if you'll scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Wait a minute.
Is he coming on to me? I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? Oh, my God! He is coming on to me.
After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
- [ Chortling, Clicks Tongue ] - [ Silent Scream ] Sorry, Mr.
Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans.
Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.
[ Sighs ] Lisa, so you won't be scared I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using.
This is the scraper, this is the poker and this happy little fellow is the gouger.
- [ Loud Whirring ] - [ Whimpers ] Now, the first thing I'll be doing is chiseling some teeth out of your jaw bone.
Hold still while I gas you.
[ British Accent ] Look, fellas! It's Lisa in the sky! No diamonds though.
Look out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria! Oh, no! - God, help us! - Help us.
The mirror.
The mirror! [ Maniacal Laughing ] Honey, you look fine.
[ Barking ] [ Whimpering ] -[Door Bell Rings] - Who is it? - [Man]Goons.
- Who? - Hired goons.
- Hired goons? [ Grunts ] [ Sinister Chortling ] Ah, Homer, I hope Crusher and Low Blow didn't hurt you.
You know, you could have just called me.
Oh, yes, but the telephone is so impersonal.
I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
Hired goons? This is the largest TV in the free world.
¡Ay, un gatomalodoro! [ Disgusted Shudder] This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters.
Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man.
Let's see.
"It was the best of times, it was the "blurst' of times"? - You stupid monkey! - [ Hooting ] Oh, shut up.
[Water Dripping] - And this is my basement.
- Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms.
Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.
- Now, let's get down to business.
- [ Thinking ] Oh, man! I have to go to the bathroom.
Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? Now, Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off.
It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for number one.
Well, listen tome, and you'll make a big splash very soon.
- Oh! Which way to the bathroom? - Oh, it's the 23rd door on the left.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
[ Sighs ] He wouldn't even hear me out.
- [ Groans ] - Find the bathroom all right? Uh yeah.
Well, you've won this round, Simpson but I'll grind you into the earth like a bug! [ Laughing ] Aah! Ohh! Simpson, be a dear and rub my legs till the feeling comes back.
A bug, I tell you! A bug! [ Laughing ] [ Groans, Laughs ] [ Sighs ] I'm gonna resign.
I don't know why they made me union president in the first place.
Because they love you down at the plant.
Yeah, you're right.
Guys are always patting my bald head for luck pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh.
Hmm.
That doesn't sound like they like you at all.
You're right.
First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.
[ Slurps, Grunts ] Batten down those cowlicks.
Straighten that part.
Uncross those eyes, mister.
- But I can't! - Oh, sorry, Quigley.
Come on, honey.
Smile! I bet you've got a beautiful smile.
Why don't you share it with the world? - [ Gasps ] There is no God! -[Shutter Clicks] Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr.
Burns day and night, and I've had enough.
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! - All in favor of a strike? - Aye! - All opposed? -[Man]Nay.
Who keeps saying that? It was him.
Let's get him, fellas.
[ Angry Shouting ] [ Chuckling ] [ Acoustic Guitar] [ Folk Ballad ] [ Angry Shouting ] Ahh, this is the life.
Smithers, get me some strikebreakers, the kind they had in the '30s.
We can't bust heads like we used to - but we have our ways.
- [ Murmuring Agreement ] One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville.
I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville which is what they called Shelbyville in those days.
So I tied an onion to my belt which was the style at the time.
Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel.
And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em.
"Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt which was the style at the time.
They didn't have white onions because of the war.
The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.
[ Shouting ] Full power, Smithers.
[ Yells, Whimpering ] [ Folk Ballad Continues ] Now do "Classical Gas.
" Ooh, look at him strutting around Like he's cock of the walk.
Well, let me tell you, Homer Simpson is cock of nothing! - Hmm? - Why, you and I can run this plant ourselves.
Crush! Kill! Destroy! Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike-- argle-bargle or foofaraw? With us tonight are plant owner C.
M.
Burns union kingpin Homer Simpson and talk show mainstay Dr.
Joyce Brothers.
- I brought my own mike! - Yes.
Well.
Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur.
[ Screams ] My director is telling me not to talk to you anymore.
- Whoo-hoo! - Mr.
Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade.
Yes, thank you, Kent.
Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city! No one will be spared! No one! A chilling vision of things to come.
[ Dings ] - Oh, for God's sake! - [ Whimpers ] Good-bye, Springfield! From hell's heart, I stab at thee! [ Excited Shouting ] [ Folk Ballad ] [Continues] Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing.
They're not sad at all.
They're actually singing! They sing without juicers.
They sing without blenders.
They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! Ooh! Tell Simpson I'm ready to deal.
All right, Homer, you can have the dental plan on one condition-- you must resign as head of the union.
Whoo-hoo! [ Whooping ] Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.
[ Whooping ] - We're going back to work! - [ All Cheering ] [ All ] Yea! Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces! And that's the tooth! Oops.
I left the gas on.
[Laughing Continues] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!