The Simpsons s06e09 Episode Script

Homer Badman

Homer Badman Damn FDA.
Why can't it all be marshmallow? Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box.
They go in the trash.
You like sweets, kids? I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself.
In this sweet place, earthly doughnuts are sour as poison.
You'd spit them out, you would.
I'm talking about the Candy Industry Trade Show.
How did you get tickets? They hid them in every millionth Krusty Klump Bar and Krusty Klump Bar with almonds.
I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise.
You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.
- Can I come to the candy show? Can I? - No, me.
Take me, me, me.
Sorry, kids.
But this the one event I want my darling wife by my side.
But take one of the kids.
Marge, they can't carry enough candy.
They have puny little muscles.
Not big, ropy ones like you.
- You go, Mom.
For the greater good.
- For the greater good.
Homer, are all these pockets necessary? They wouldn't be if you would sit in a hollowed-out wheelchair.
Well, that's the babysitter.
No one in town will sit for you two anymore.
I had to choose between a grad student at the university or a scary-looking hobo.
Please, the hobo.
Please, the hobo.
The hobo.
I'm Ashley Grant.
Ashley Grant.
You gave a talk on women's issues at my school on how we don't have to be second-class citizens.
Mom, how can you leave us with this maniac? Hurry.
If we're early, we can get a picture with the two surviving Musketeers.
There's also a baby somewhere upstairs.
So you're one of those "don't-call-me-a-chick" chicks, huh? Sorry about my unenlightened brother.
He will make the next few hours a living hell.
Oh, I don't know.
See this, Bart? Disemboweler IV.
The game where condemned criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks.
Do a little housework and you can play for five minutes.
No way.
- Yes.
- See, Lisa? Male's aren't hard to tame.
They all follow their video cartridges.
Goodbar to the front desk.
The front desk is looking for Mr.
I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.
You'll do well.
Give me those.
Well, as you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field.
The candy, known as 77X42 - Where the hell is the candy? - I don't know.
Hey, sir.
Try our wax lips.
- It's the candy of 1000 uses.
- Like what? One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.
- Keep going.
- Two I'm needed in the basement.
You're gonna have to put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am.
Gummi bears.
Gummi calves' heads.
Gummi jawbreakers.
- What's that? - That is the rarest gummi of them all.
The gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans who work exclusively in the medium of gummi.
Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much? Must have rare gummi.
Distract the salesman.
I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further.
How did they get there? Now, this is going to take all my skill.
- Halt! Halt! - Run, Marge.
Save the booty.
After him.
He has the gummi.
See you in hell, candy boy! Lis, I found a big caramel deposit on her back.
I'm coming.
Wait a minute.
Where's my gummi de Milo? Okay, don't panic.
She can't have gotten far.
She has no arms.
I'm sure it'll turn up.
Take the babysitter home now.
She's been in the car for 20 minutes.
Relax, Marge.
There's plenty for her to do in there.
See? She's having the time of her life.
So a graduate student, huh? How come you can go to the moon, but can't make my shoes smell good? - I'm sorry? - Nobody's blaming you.
Could you take the wheel for a second? - I have to scratch in two places at once.
- Just drop me off here.
Precious Venus.
Thank you.
Hey, kids.
Lots of candy left for breakfast.
Why don't we give it to some needy children then? The candy conventioneers tracked us down.
There he is.
There's the man that sexually harassed me.
For a minute there I thought I was in big trouble.
It's just a Two, four, six, eight Homer's crime was very great "Great" meaning "large or immense" We use it in the pejorative sense Marge, I swear I didn't touch her.
You know how bashful I am.
I can't even say the word "titmouse" without giggling like a schoolgirl.
At any rate, I believe you.
I think you should go outside and straighten this out.
Some of their chants are very catchy and memorable.
- You grabbed me in the car.
- Oh, that? No.
I was grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants.
Yeah, right.
That's the oldest excuse in the book.
Come on.
I'm a decent guy.
Why would anybody wanna touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from.
I don't understand.
What is she saying you did? Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? Oh, yeah.
That was brilliant.
That's right.
We all thought it was hilarious.
But it turns out we were wrong.
That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal? Well, that's kind of a gray area.
- We know you're innocent, Dad.
- Thanks, kids.
They seem to be building some sort of a shantytown.
Do your worst, protestors.
You can't stop me from living my life.
- No respect for women.
No peace.
- Try to push the right buttons now.
We ain't crazy about nuclear power either! You people aren't allowed in here.
It's okay.
They're with me.
They're ruining my whole life.
Marge, please, this is where I need you the most.
I'm counting on you to do something or say something to make it all better.
- Okay.
- Homer I talked to the indignation coordinator out on the lawn today.
I said you were a decent man.
She wouldn't listen.
Besides standing by you and supporting you, there's nothing I can do.
You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own.
Oh, no.
On own.
On own.
I need help.
Oh, God, help me.
Help me, God! - Hello? - Hello, Homer, this is God frey Jones from the TV magazine show Rock Bottom.
We're aware of your problems, and, Mr.
Simpson, we want to help.
I saw that report you did on Sasquatch.
It was fair and even-handed.
I'll do it.
Somebody had to take the babysitter home.
Then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her.
Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy I just wish I had another one right now.
- But the most important thing is - That was great, Mr.
- We got everything we need.
- Okay.
Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch? I like his style.
Here comes the bouncing ball of justice.
Tonight on Rock Bottom: We go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers.
I keep telling you, I just grow sorghum here.
- And where are the hookers? - Around back.
But first, she was a university honors student who devoted her life to kids.
Until the night a grossly overweight pervert named Homer Simpson gave her a crash course in depravity.
"Babysitter and the Beast.
" Oh, crap.
Somebody had to take the babysitter home.
Then I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can I grabbed her sweet can Oh, just thinking about her can I just wish I had her sweet, sweet, sweet can.
So, Mr.
Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can.
What do you have to say in your defense? Mr.
Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
No, Mr.
Simpson, don't take your anger out on me.
Get back.
Get back! - Mr.
Simpson, no! - Dramatization: May not have happened.
Marge, kids, everything's gonna be just fine.
Now go upstairs and pack your bags.
We're gonna start a new life under the sea.
Under the sea Under the sea There'll be no accusations Just friendly crustaceans Under the sea That's your solution to everything, to move under the sea.
It won't happen.
Not with that attitude.
Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
It didn't blow over, Marge.
Nothing ever blows over for me.
Simpson scandal update.
Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent he believes gives him sexual powers.
Hey, that's a half-truth.
I don't know Homer Simpson.
I never met Homer Simpson or had any contact with him, but I'm sorry, I can't go on.
That's okay.
Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.
Today on Ben: Mothers and runaway daughters reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson.
And here's your host, Gentle Ben.
I just have one thing to say.
Let's have less Homer Simpsons and more money for public schools.
Ben, I have a question.
No, Ben.
And now we return to Fox Night at the Movies.
Homer S: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber.
Starring Dennis Franz.
Sounds classy.
Doesn't it? No, Mr.
A cat is a living creature.
I don't care.
Now I'm gonna grab me something sweet.
No, Mr.
That's sexual harassment.
If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud, the whole country will hear.
With a man in the White House? Not likely.
This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate.
Remember to tune in tonight at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out.
Possibly because it was harassed.
We don't know.
There's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared, heat-sensitive camera.
So let's turn it on.
Now, this technology is new to me but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly.
His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees.
He's literally stewing in his own juices.
Now here are some results from our phone-in poll.
Ninety-five percent of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty.
Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes.
And we all pray it will.
I don't have a friend in the world.
- Let us through.
- We're Homer's true friends.
Oh, really? - Come on, let us through, you vultures.
- Oh, Marge.
It's a miracle.
How can you judge this man without talking to the people who know him best? We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the bidding starts at 10 G's.
- I bid 10 G's.
- Ten-five G's.
I need a hug.
How come you guys hesitated? Sorry, Dad.
We do believe in you.
We really do.
It's just hard not to listen to TV.
It's spent so much more time raising us than you.
Maybe TV is right.
TV's always right.
Are you hugging the TV? - No.
- No.
And the number one reference that I am running into the ground is: Homer Simpson.
Is Homer Simpson.
I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me.
I know.
Evening at the Improv.
They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s.
I think about weird stuff.
Like, what would happen if E.
And Mr.
T had a baby? Well, you'd get Mr.
, wouldn't you? And, you know, I think he'd sound a little something like this: "I pity the fool who doesn't phone home.
" I wouldn't wanna be Mr.
T right now.
Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name.
The media's making you a monster because they don't care about truth.
All they care about is entertainment.
You need a forum where they don't know the meaning of entertainment: Public access television.
- But those shows all look so crummy.
- Well, we could dress it up a bit.
We can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage and the most decorative thing of all, the truth.
There are only 49 stars on that flag.
I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri.
Now it's time for The Innocence Report with Homer Simpson.
I am Homer Simpson.
Or, as some of you wags have dubbed me, "Father Goose.
" You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away.
Nobody cares that I didn't do it.
But I didn't.
Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life.
But harassing women is not one of them.
Like one time, we were having this race with this stupid, old-timey bicycle with the big wheel in front.
So I figure, "We'll see about that.
" So I get this big chunk of cinderblock, and I Oh, gotta go.
Dad, you did it.
I am so proud of you.
The switchboards are lighting up.
Two calls.
That's our best ever.
Hello? No, Janice doesn't live here.
Hello? Yes, I am interested in long-distance savings.
Very interested.
Marge, this is so depressing.
My only hope is this homemade Prozac.
Needs more ice cream.
So you don't like the old-time bikes, huh? Homer, I love amateur video.
And your show is the most amateur video I ever saw.
My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars.
I didn't come forward because in this country it makes you look like a pervert.
But every single Scottish person does it! Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby.
Oh, no.
That's Mayor Quimby.
Here we go.
Precious Venus.
Thank you.
Dad, this clears you completely.
You know, the courts might not work anymore but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else justice will be done.
See? Homer, I thought you were an animal.
But your daughter said you were a decent man.
- I guess she was right.
- You're both right.
In our mad pursuit of a scoop we members of the press sometimes make mistakes.
Rock Bottom would like to make the following corrections: Wow, V8 juice isn't one-eighth gasoline.
- And Ted Koppel is a robot.
- There's you, Dad.
Tomorrow on Rock Bottom.
He's a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least suspect it.
He's "Rowdy Roddy Peeper".
Oh, that man is sick.
Groundskeeper Willie saved you, Homer.
But listen to the music.
He's evil.
Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything you hear? Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.
Let's never fight again.

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