The Simpsons s06e14 Episode Script

Bart's Comet

BART'S COMET And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free Science Week ever our grand finale: The launching of a weather balloon.
Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, whoo! "Hurrah for science, whoo"? I can't say I approve of the "whoo," but the "hurrah" was quite heartening.
Release the balloon.
- Yeah! - All right! No! - I don't think I really captured the eyes.
- Bart, if you have a failing it's that you're always demanding perfection.
If you have a failing.
Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions.
Careful, children.
That's my car.
- Destroy that balloon.
- Aye.
Tango 14, we're being fired at.
I'm getting an ID on the bogey now.
Iraqis again.
Launching Sidewinder missile.
Missed him.
Launching second Sidewinder missile.
This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into healthcare.
- It's a good program.
Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.
It won't come down for months.
Curse the man who invented helium.
Curse Pierre Jules César Janssen.
Now to find out who did this.
- Bart, empty your pockets.
- Empty my pockets, you say? Well, certainly, but I fail to see how Blueprints of the dummy, notarized photos of you making the dummy and an alternate wording for the banner.
- Race you to Utah, Milhouse.
- Okay.
I am going to punish you for this, Bart.
And it won't just be a simple caning this time.
Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science.
Starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy.
Taking down coordinates, carrying equipment and so forth.
- Four-thirty in the morning.
- There's a 4:30 in the morning now? Top of the hour, time for the news.
But of course, there is no news yet.
Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds.
Good night, everybody.
Mom, will you make me breakfast? There's a stuffed pepper in the trash from last night.
Just rinse it good.
Come on, Lassie.
Here, boy.
Come on, girl.
Still dark.
Better use the generator.
There's nothing more exciting than science.
You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet writing down numbers, paying attention.
Science has it all.
Is that the telescope we'll look through? Yes, but you won't be looking through it.
I forbid it.
But you don't need a telescope to enjoy astronomy.
There are all the constellations you've heard so much about.
There's Orion, the Swan, the Chariot Race.
Why don't they look anything like their names? You do have to use your imagination.
Look, there's the Three Wise Men.
Who names these things? Whoever discovers them.
I've been hoping I can find something that would be named after me.
- You've never found anything? Once.
But by the time I got to a phone my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek.
I got back at him, though.
Him and that little boy of his.
Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.
Now, this morning we're gonna be mapping a square of sky that's thought to be empty.
I hope it's not.
So, what am I supposed to do exactly? Just write down my findings as I give them to you.
Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, No sighting.
Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, No sighting.
Six hours, 19 minutes right ascension, No sighting.
Did you get that one, Bart? - Hell, no.
- Good.
My stars.
Give me the phone, quick.
Check out 6-19-14-59.
No, there's no need for that.
It's already named after me.
It's pretty close to the ground.
Maybe I can catch it.
Don't touch the telescope, Bart.
Even a slight change in elevation can destroy a whole morning's work.
All hands on deck.
Pirates off the port bow.
Observatory? This is Bart Simpson.
I see something in the sky at 4-12-8, and the last number is seven.
Got you, my rumpy doppelgänger.
I've got it.
What are you doing? Give me that phone.
Congratulations, Bart.
You've just discovered a comet.
No! No! No! And then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
Sounds like you had a good day, Dad.
Except I forgot to go to work.
What did you do today, Bart? What didn't I do? - "Boy Discovers Comet.
" - What? "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the Bart Simpson Comet.
" Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
But then you've always been proud of me.
Won't you join us, Bart? I guess so.
As the first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a comet we're very proud to make you a member of our very select group.
Welcome to Super Friends! Welcome, Super Friend! I am called Ham, since I enjoy Ham Radio.
This is E-Mail, Cosine, Report Card, Database and Lisa.
Your nickname will be Cosmos.
Well, I'm done eating.
- Goodbye, Cosmos.
- Bye-bye.
Perhaps some night you could show us your comet.
- There it is right there.
- I make it a point never turn my head unless I expect to see something.
Naturally, we can't see your comet in broad daylight and without a telescope.
But you don't need a stupid telescope.
It's right there.
Oh, no, no! This isn't right at all! It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed.
Don't you realize what's happening? Your comet will collide with Earth.
Everything in its path will be killed.
I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet.
You've always been petty and small, right from the beginning.
- We must alert the proper authorities.
- To the observatory! We are the Super Friends Hey, shut up.
- Dear God! - Warren we've talked about you hogging the eyepiece.
Sounds like the Doomsday Whistle.
Ain't been blown for nigh on to three years.
Trouble a-brewing.
Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis I caught the very next plane to Springfeld.
First, yes, there is a comet in the sky.
And yes, it is going to hit Springfield.
You don't need to applaud that.
Now, here's what we think the impact might look like.
Show them, Jerry.
Oh, dear God, no! Fortunately, we have a plan.
Professor Frink? Hi.
Good evening, ladies and Einstein, what's the plan?! All right, just take your seat.
Now, working with former Carter-administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement For various reasons which we won't go into here, okay? - We have planned this defense for the city.
As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it and blow it to smithereens.
Right! That will be the end of our Mr.
We're saved! Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed.
Didn't you hear what that guy in the building said? - But, Dad, don't you think? - Lisa.
The reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time.
Just like that rain-forest scare a few years back.
Our officials saw there was a problem, and they fixed it, didn't they? - No, Dad.
I don't think - There's that word again.
- Homer, what if this doesn't work? - Well, then I have a backup plan.
See, while the unprepared are still sitting around twiddling their thumbs and going: - Dad! The plan.
- I'm getting to that.
So anyway, they're going: - Dad! - So anyway, we get in our car and take the bridge out of town.
While all the while, they're still going: Dad, they're firing the rocket! All right! It blew up the bridge! We're doomed! It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! And like Icarus, the rocket foolishly soared too high and lost control of its servo-guidance mechanism leaving us with some six hours to live.
So let's go live now to the charred remains of the only bridge out of town with Arnie Pie and "Arnie in the Sky.
" With the bridge gone and the airport on the other side of the bridge a number of citizens are attempting to jump the gorge with their cars.
It's a silent testament to the never-give-up and never-think-things-out spirit of our citizens.
With our annihilation imminent, our government has snapped into action.
We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.
Then it is unanimous.
We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of - Wait a second.
I wanna tack on a rider to that bill.
Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
All in favor of the amended Springfield/pervert bill? Bill defeated.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.
Now, over the years a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another he just cannot report.
It doesn't seem to matter now, so The following people are gay.
- Turn it off.
- Just a second.
What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet.
Big deal.
It'll burn up in our atmosphere and what's ever left will be no bigger than a Chihuahua's head.
- Wow, Dad.
Maybe you're right.
- Of course I'm right.
If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow.
Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.
We have a bomb shelter? Homer Simpson takes care of his family.
Flanders, open up! Hidy-ho-a-roonie, neighbor.
What can I do you for? Get out of there.
My family needs your bomb shelter.
- Homer.
- I kind of figured this might happen.
So I built the shelter big enough for both families.
- No deal.
- Get in the shelter, Homer.
- One more hour.
- An hour? I can't wait another hour.
What's keeping that stupid comet? There it is.
Well, howdily-doodily, neighbors.
Shouldn't you be in your shelterinies by now? We haven't got shelterinies.
We want in yours.
Well, sorry.
Shelter's kind of full.
Really? Well, we'll just go off someplace and die then.
You know, I may regret this when our air runs out and we can't whistle or stay alive, but, oh, what the hey.
All right.
I can't get the I can't get the door closed.
Somebody's gonna have to get out.
I'd get out, but I don't know where I am.
- Hey, somebody's touching me.
- I am.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, okay.
Let's figure out who should stay.
Let's see.
In the world of the future, we'll need laughter, so I'm in.
And it'll need somebody to dispense drinks, i.
And someone will have to run the power.
You can do that, Homer.
I can do that.
Okay, let's start again.
We'll need laughter, religious enlightenment, gossip.
- That's Mrs.
- Wait a minute.
We all know the one thing we won't need in the future: Left-handed stores.
That's you, Flanders! I'm terribly sorry.
Flanders is the only useless person here.
If anyone dies, it should be him.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
So let's kick Flanders out.
Well, sir, sounds fair.
Toodle-loo, everybody.
I'll scream when the comet gets here.
- Oh, I'm coming with you, Neddie.
- No, sweetheart.
- You You stay here, because - Okay.
I might go mad with fear out there, so, Todd I want you to shoot Daddy if he tries to get back in.
- Okay, Dad.
- Okay.
Hey, I got an idea.
We can play a game to pass the time.
I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and you all try to guess what it is.
- It's a pig.
- It's a cow, man.
- It's a pony.
- No, it's a goat.
- You know, one of them lady goats.
- There are no lady goats.
- A lady goat is a sheep.
- I believe she's right.
- You're crazy.
- What's it to you? - What's it to me? - Hey, it's a pony! - Shut up! - Doesn't anybody care that I'm hungry? Stop it, stop it.
Can't you see this barnyard-noise guessing game is tearing us apart? Say, Moe, was it a duck? I don't like it No! No! Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it! I can't take this anymore.
I can't let that brave man out there die alone.
I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you.
Especially his children.
I'm going out there.
And it was a baby ox.
- He's right, you know.
- About the ox? About everything, damn it! Hey, Homer, wait up.
I wanna die too.
- If you are going, I am going.
- Me too.
- Me too.
- I'm out of here.
Make way.
Radio reception in there sucked.
Run! - Look! - It's breaking up! - Cool.
- We're saved! Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life.
Let's go burn down the observatory so this'll never happen again.
I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've picketed against is what burned up the comet.
- What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Dad was right.
I know, kids.
I'm scared too.

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