The Simpsons s06e19 Episode Script

Lisa's Wedding

Lisa's Wedding Zounds! I did thee mightily smitely.
"Zounds" is a Renaissance English word, short for "God's wounds" but "smitely," that's pure Flanders.
Please call a doctor.
- These Renaissance fairs are so boring.
- Oh, really? Did you see the loom? I took loom in high school.
Yon meat 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze.
- Can I have some? - Mine ears are open to the pleas of those who speak ye old English.
Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup upon suckling pig this noon.
- Whatever.
I've eaten eight different meats.
I'm a true Renaissance man.
I'll go to the first-aid tent and tell them to plug in ye old stomach pump.
Alight your gaze on yonder fabled beasts of yore.
Behold the rarest of the rare the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head.
And here, out of the mists of history, the legendary esquilax: A horse with the head of a rabbit and the body of a rabbit.
It's galloping away.
Here, bunny-bunny.
Here, bunny.
Here, "esquilax.
" I've been waiting for you, Lisa.
- How did you know my name? - Your nametag.
Would you like to know your future? Sorry, I don't believe in fortunetelling.
I should go.
What's your hurry? Bart, Maggie and Marge are at the joust.
And Homer is heckling the puppet show.
Wow, you can see into the present.
Now we'll see what the future holds.
- The death card? - No, that's good.
It means transition, change.
That's cute.
The happy squirrel.
- That's bad? - Possibly.
The cards are vague and mysterious.
They seem to be revealing the story of your first love.
Do you want me to continue? - Guess so.
- It's It's coming to me.
I see an eastern university in the year 2010.
The world has become a very different place.
I can't wait to see that play.
- Hey, watch it.
- Watch it.
That man is instantly the most annoying person I've ever met.
A soy-based snack will calm me down.
Him again.
I need Ecosystem of the Marsh by Thompson.
The last copy was just signed out by Hugh Parkfield.
Oh, there he is.
It couldn't be.
Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe.
That's the book I need.
You'll probably take forever with it too.
- I read faster.
- I read at a 78th-grade level.
Right here.
- Finished this page? - Ages ago.
- I'll get the dictionary.
- Why? - You'll see.
" - Pertaining to a process involving a randomly determined sequence of observations.
First, they hate each other.
All of a sudden, they love each other.
- Oh, it doesn't make any sense to me.
- Of course not.
You're a robot.
I never met anyone who so understood the magic of Jim Carrey.
He can make you laugh with no more than a frantic flailing of his limbs.
I can't believe how much we have in common.
We're studying the environment, we're utterly humorless about vegetarianism.
And we both love the Rolling Stones.
Not for their music but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.
Lisa, I can't bear being apart all summer.
Come with me to Parkfield Manor.
I'd love to.
Can we get vegetarian meals at your parents' house? - Yes, we can, Lisa.
- That is good.
- Because eating animals is wrong.
- So very wrong.
- When will the world learn? - I don't know.
I just don't know.
I love these new planes.
It's a good thing they re-evaluated those wacky old designs.
- Beautiful dinnerware, Mrs.
- Thank you.
They were made for the finest family in Britain.
I don't know how we ended up with them.
Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit or subtle self-pity? They're staring at me.
Better respond.
It's good to hear a boisterous American laugh.
And I love that painting.
Judging by the clothes, I'd say 17th century.
Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred.
I get me brain medicines from the National Health.
This place is so enchanting, Hugh.
I love it here.
I wanted this to be perfect for you.
I know you Americans like everything to be fireworks.
Oh, blast.
Go to plan B.
Yes, I will.
Isn't it wonderful? Master Hugh has found a true love.
- Hi, Mom.
- Lisa.
How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is a "lift" a mile is called a "kilometer," and botulism is "steak-and-kidney pie.
" Guess what.
Hugh and I are getting married.
All right! Lisa, that's wonderful.
If only your father was still with us.
But he left for work a few minutes ago.
Remember we'd always plan my dream wedding, and you always promised to, you know, well, keep Dad from ruining it? Oh, don 't worry, honey.
I guarantee your father will behave.
- Mom, it's a Picturephone.
- Oh, this? This? Oh, no.
I just got a touch of the rheumatiz.
Mom, Picturephone.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, that's great news about Lisa.
Well, listen, I better get back to work.
They're finally paying me for this.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, but the international market is my focus.
Oh, Marge, that's great news.
Hey, hey, there with the personal calls, Simpson.
But, Mr.
Milhouse, my little girl's getting married.
Lisa? My one true love.
It's not you, Milhouse.
I just don't plan to ever get married.
I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson.
I gotta call everyone and tell them the good news.
What the? Maggie, I need to use the phone.
Will that girl ever shut up? I'll plan everything.
We can have the reception at Moe's.
Why not have the whole wedding there.
We'll do it on a Monday morning.
- There'll be fewer drunks.
- Don't take this personally.
I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
"Whereas Homer Simpson" Well, these seem to be in order.
I'll be in the hammock.
Smithers plus guest.
" There's only one person I'd wanna bring.
Oh, Mr.
Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for 17 stab wounds in the back.
How we doing, boys? Well, we're up to 15.
If you have three Pepsis and drink one, how much more refreshed are you? The redhead in the Chicago school system.
- Pepsi? - Partial credit.
We're invited to the wedding of our only graduate to read at an adult level.
It must be Lisa Simpson.
Of course, Martin Prince perished in that science-fair explosion.
Not quite perished, my lady love.
Although some days I wish I had.
Hey, I remember you.
Mayor Quimby, right? No.
Look at this license.
I'm Mohamed Jafar.
Quimby, after this fare, get your indicted ass to the convention center.
I cut the ribbon at that convention center.
Just a couple more blocks to my house.
Darling, don't worry.
I'm sure I'll get along with your family.
You prepared me for the worst.
As long as they're not squatting in a ditch poking berries up their noses.
And if they are? Here they come.
Raise the flag.
- Oh, Lisa.
- Yo, Hugh.
Here's a little bit of U.
What do you think of that? Dad! Now throw compost on it.
Still warm.
You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built.
If the building inspector comes by, it's not a room, it's a window box.
Oh, Hugh, thank you.
You've been just wonderful through this entire ordeal.
Lisa, I love you so much.
I'm willing to go through anything.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine, Lisa.
Fortunately, the compost heap broke my fall.
Be a dear, run a bath.
Homer, Bart, Maggie, company eating rules.
Oh, right.
Anyway, Hugh, there's more to my life than just the wrecking ball.
I also crush cars into cubes.
On the side, I promote local tough-man contests.
I'm getting out all my aggression till I go to law school.
So, Hugh, have you heard all the latest American jokes? Here's a good one.
Pull my finger.
Yes, we have that one in England too.
I said, pull my finger.
Mom, we've got my wedding-dress fitting this afternoon.
Maggie, if you're not doing anything, why don't you come.
Maggie, don't talk with your mouth full.
Me and Bart will take Hugh out this afternoon.
Hugh should take it easy because of his fall.
The only thing bruised in that fall was my spine.
- I'll be delighted.
- Great.
- There's only one thing I ask in return.
- Certainly.
Pull my finger.
So this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh? And tonight, the following celebrities have been arrested: Heather Locklear Fortensky remains at large.
Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous.
You know, I rather like this pub.
An English boy, eh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.
Well, we saved your ass in World War III.
- That's true.
- There's something I want you to have.
My dad gave me his cuff links to wear on the day I married Marge.
They brought us good luck.
I couldn't imagine a happier marriage.
We don't have many traditions in our family.
But it would mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive.
Well, I'd be honored to wear those things.
Hey, watch those virtual darts.
I'm trying to play virtual pool.
Hey, hey.
No fighting in my bar.
You know, Fox turned into a hardcore-sex channel so gradually I didn't even notice.
It's so great to have the whole family together under one roof.
I never realized how much I missed it.
Listen to the murmurs in the next room.
The house is full of life again.
Keep it down in there! All right, Dad.
I'm sorry I left you alone with Homer and Bart.
No, no, honey.
We had a fine time.
- How'd you get that gash? - When we hid in the Dumpster after the fire alarm went off in the pornographic-magazine warehouse.
You are so good to put up with all of this.
Oh, don't be silly, Lisa.
Everything's fine.
Now, go to sleep.
We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.
A big, long day.
Lisa, I can't believe it's your wedding day already.
Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white.
I mean, Milhouse.
Oh, Milhouse doesn't count.
Okay, I've got something old, that's my pearl necklace.
Something new is the wedding dress.
Something borrowed is this antique brooch from Hugh's mother.
Now I just need something blue.
- Here.
- Oh, Mom, thanks.
Wow, Lisa.
Looking at you makes me wanna get married for a third time.
I met a really nice exotic dancer at Hugh's bachelor party.
- Hugh didn't have a bachelor party.
- We had one in his honor.
I had one in his honor.
I went to a strip club.
Well, here goes nothing.
Mum, Dad meet Homer Simpson.
- How do you do? - Hey.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
You know what's great about you English? Octopussy.
Man, I must have seen that movie twice.
That's not too bad.
Hey, Krabappel, get in the way of that bouquet I'll stuff that sunhat down your neck.
Smithers, take me home.
I'm not fully defrosted.
Just sit down and rest for a moment.
There you go.
Oh, no.
We've got a little situation here.
I can't feel anything below my cummerbund.
- Hi, Dad.
- You look great, sweetheart.
- Thanks.
- Little Lisa.
Lisa Simpson.
I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to.
Since you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
- Oh, Dad.
- No, no.
Let me finish.
I want you to know I've always been proud of you.
You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself.
You helped me understand my own wife better and taught me to be a better person.
But you're also my daughter.
I don't think anybody could've had a better daughter - Dad, you're babbling.
- See? You're still helping me.
Hey, Dad, did you forget to give those cuff links to Hugh? - No.
- Well? I found them on the nightstand.
I guess they weren't his cup of tea.
Don't worry.
But you've been going on about these all week.
I'm sure he just forgot.
Lisa, we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding.
- It's tradition.
- What about my family's tradition? Surely you don't want me to wear those in front of my parents and their friends.
- But you promised my dad you would.
- I was just humoring him.
- Actually, he frightens me a bit.
- I know they look silly but his feelings will be hurt.
I must say, you were right.
This has been quite trying.
I've attempted to enjoy your family on a personal level on an ironic level, as a novelty, as camp, as kitsch as cautionary example.
Nothing works.
When we get back to England, we won't have to deal with them.
You saying we won't see my family again? Your mother will come when the children are born.
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
I don't wanna cut my family out.
Really? Lisa, you're better than this place.
You're like a flower that grew out of dirt.
- That's a horrible thing to say.
- Oh, come on.
- You complain more than anyone.
- Maybe, but I still love them.
And I don't think you understand that.
And now, to sing "Amazing Grace" Miss Maggie Simpson.
She's quite a hellion, but does have an incredible voice.
Stop everything.
The wedding has been called off.
This is very sad news.
It never would've happened if the wedding was in the church with God instead of out here in the cheap showiness of nature.
Who wants cake? The next day, Hugh goes back to England, and you never see him again.
Now that I know, isn't there any way to change the future? No.
But try to look surprised.
You said you'd tell me about my true love.
Oh, you'll have a true love.
But I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.
Lisa, where were you? You missed the most incredible thing.
- Hi, Dad.
- I ate seven pounds of fudge.
The man at the stand said it was a record.
What else did you do, Dad? I rode the tea cups.
Then I got a little sick, and I had to sit down.
But then I rode them again.

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