The Simpsons s06e23 Episode Script

The Springfield Connection

Springfield Connection Aren't you glad we got out of the house and came downtown for a little culture? They're butchering the classics.
Could that bassoon have come in any more late? Oh, come on, Homer.
There's lasers.
You like lasers.
Laser effects, mirrored balls John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.
Devil-iciously satirical.
I wonder if anyone else got that.
We're out of here! Be careful.
These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types.
So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
- Three-card monte.
- Easy money! Homer, these games are fixed.
Then how come that guy's winning? I, like, totally won again.
Way to go, bro! He looks and acts just like the dealer.
I think they're related, or at least in cahoots.
Just pick the red card.
It's totally not hard.
Twenty on this one, my good man.
Sorry, dude.
Homer, he cheated you! You're giving three-car monte a bad name! Surely you don't blame me? It's people like you who are ruining our downtown promenades and piazzas.
How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this! - Bye-bye! - Somebody stop him! He's getting away! Come on! Come on! No, Marge! I must warn you sometimes ordinary people get a surge of adrenaline.
- See? - Cuff him, boys.
We're putting this dirtbag away.
I'll be back on the street in 24 hours.
We'll try to make it 12.
Marge, are you okay? I think I'm okay.
It was scary, but in a weird way it was also kind of exhilarating.
It is exhilarating to see police get their man and save a hysterical woman.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Easy, now, sweetheart.
Homie's here.
Hey, Mom.
Is this how you caught him? Face it, Lis.
You're too puny to Lisa, unhand your brother.
Yeah, like that really hurt.
Mom, was catching that guy the most exciting thing you've ever done? Well, it was pretty exciting.
But celery soup's pretty exciting too.
Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore.
I'm crossing over to deviled ham.
Marge! Hey, Mrs.
Simpson, I just got the new issue of Sponge and Vacuum.
Thanks, Benevenstanciano.
Death sports.
All right, get in there.
- You're going down.
- I want a piece of him.
You think you're pretty hot, huh? Well, we got everything we need on you.
- Excuse me.
- What? What? What? What? What? What? This better be about pizza.
Actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
Welcome aboard.
You did what?! I borrowed your nail clipper.
What's the big deal? Nothing.
I'm just edgy since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.
Cool! Will you bring me along when you do evictions? - You got it, little buddy.
- You being a cop makes you the man.
Which makes me the woman.
And I have no interest in that.
Besides occasionally wearing the underwear which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Homer, there's no reason for you to feel threatened.
You'll always be the man of this house.
Thanks, honey.
All right, you scrawny beanpoles.
Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight.
It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Forget about the badge! When do we get the freaking guns?! Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
I've had it up to here with your "rules"! Women always have trouble with the wall.
They never seem to find the door.
You missed the baby.
You missed the blind man.
Sorry, Simpson.
You'll have to do the course again.
I was trying to get this Magic Eye thing to work.
Look at that.
A pony.
Hey, everybody! Mom's home.
They didn't have my size shirt, but you get the idea.
Wow, Mom.
I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before.
Marge, I want you to take care of yourself out there.
You've become very dear to me.
Homie, of course I will.
Mom, if someone shot at the mayor, would you have to take the bullet? - I suppose I would.
- What about a Coke machine? - No.
- TV? - No.
- TV with a picture of the mayor on it? Whatever you do, we'll be proud of you.
- Well, thank you, honey.
- As long as it's constitutional.
Homer, give me my pepper spray! Oh, Marge.
One squirt and you're south of the border.
All right, settle, people.
People, settle.
Ward and Van Zuylen, stake out Doughnut Land.
When they fry up a fresh batch, call it in.
Keneally and Earhart, back them up.
Fitz and Garcia, it's your turn to sleep in.
And, Simpson seeing how this is your first day you're inexperienced and vulnerable your beat is Junkyville and Bumtown.
Hello, Mr.
I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private.
You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
I just wanted to say hello.
You are the new cop on the beat? Okay.
I know the drill.
What will it be? One hundred? Two hundred? Two hundred.
No, no.
I mean, nothing.
I don't take bribes! Yes, of course you don't.
I will just leave this money on the table with my unseeing back to the money on the table.
Apu, no.
- That's better.
- That's better.
Don 't you think for one minute you can go on I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.
Yes, indeed there is.
There's an inflatable bath pillow that Mother and I both enjoy.
She claimed it was her day to use it.
I said she was mistaken.
We quarreled.
Later, as I prepared to bathe I noticed, to my horror, that someone had slashed the pillow.
Who called the police? - We both did.
- We both did.
Why don 't you two settle down.
I'm sure you can get another pillow.
Well, I could send it back to Taiwan for repair.
But why should I have to? I've done nothing wrong! And I don 't give permission for my face to be on TV.
I want it blurred.
What are you gonna do with your day off? I just want to relax and forget that I'm part of that thin blue line which stands between civilization and chaos.
It's illegal for you to operate that class-9 vehicle without pads and a helmet.
- But, Mom - It's for your own safety.
Take that, safety boy! This padding's so easy on the knuckles, I could punch all day! I just hope they have Us magazine in heaven.
He said it was his day to use the tub pillow! I can't go to the library anymore.
Everybody stinks.
Don't stop talking on account of me.
I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend.
So how are you, Mrs.
Krabappel? Law-abiding.
I'm done.
Moe, I've never seen you here before.
Well, these days, my roots don't stay so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson.
You don't have to call me "officer.
" I'm not on duty here.
Looks nice.
It's a good length for you.
Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad.
Shush, dear.
You'll wreck Daddy's fun.
Oh, my Lord! Something horrible has happened! Fooled you, Flanders.
Made you think your family was dead! Did you get it? They're not, though.
- But you thought they were.
- Yeah.
That's why it was so funny.
But they're not.
That's a good one.
And that's the drunk tank, and this is Mommy's desk.
Mom, I know your intentions are good.
But aren't police a force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we should attack social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons? Look, Lisa! It's McGriff the Crime Dog.
Hello, Lisa.
Help me bite crime.
Hey, great news, guys! I picked up a nudie deck for our game.
"The girls of the Internet.
" I'd go online with them any day.
Hey, hey! We've offended Herman.
No, I'm just going out for some fresh air.
That guy sure likes his fresh air.
None of that for me.
Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah.
Homer, you sure it's okay to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble now that your wife's a cop? - Are you kidding? Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal.
This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries we get a free funeral for Marge, God forbid and I can run background checks on whomever I want, Momar.
Please, please.
Lx-nay on the Omar-may.
Hurry it up with the cards, Lenny.
I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
Put that away.
Radar guns give you cancer.
All the more reason to hurry up.
Hey, what could be going Illegal gambling in my house? Your house? Your house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas.
Hey, you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas! - We'll be going.
- We'll just be going.
See you around.
Marge, you chased away all my poker buddies.
I didn't mean to.
You've become such a cop.
Not that long ago, you were so much more to me.
You were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons, an unplugger of hairy clogs.
I'm still all those things.
Only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric and unplugging the clogs of our legal system.
You're cooking what for dinner? Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law.
Dog, no leash.
Man littering.
Horse not wearing diaper.
Car parked across three handicapped spaces.
- Homer! - Hey, Marge.
How's my little piglet? Homer, I'm on duty.
That's okay.
I'm supposed to be working too.
You have to move your car.
I'll just be a second, Marge.
I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
But you have to move your car now.
I'll be right back.
Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
That's it! I'm gonna write you a ticket! - Come on! We're family! - You're breaking the law! I'll make you a deal.
You rip up that ticket and I'll give you back your hat! Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.
What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do, huh? "I'm Officer Marge.
I'm gonna arrest you.
" Whoa! What? Marge, not here.
- You're not really arresting me? - You have the right to remain silent.
I choose to waive that right.
All right, Simpson.
You're free to go.
Let me just finish this last lobster tail and raspberry torte.
All right, Hans.
Time to go.
But he ate my last meal.
If that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.
Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail? From this point on, no talking.
I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer, but what I did was right.
When you need it, you'll be happy there are dedicated cops like me out there.
I have nothing more to say to you.
I'm drawing a line down the center of the house, à la I Love Lucy.
You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side.
Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the police academy I thought it'd be fun and exciting.
You know, like that movie Spaceballs.
Instead it's been painful and disturbing, like that movie Police Academy.
Hey, Homer.
I'm worried about the beer supply.
After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left! Yeah, yeah! Barney's right! Yeah, let's drink some beer.
What about some beer? Yeah, Barney's right.
All right, guys.
Pipe down.
I got some more in the garage.
I'll get it for you, Homer.
I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage.
The garage.
Hey, fellas! The garage.
Well, la-di-da, Mr.
- Well, what do you call it? - A car hole.
- You're late, Herman.
- Surely you don't mind waiting for merchandise of this quality, Mr.
Jericho? Looks like good stuff.
But, of course, I'll have to sample it first.
These are fabulous! Yeah.
Who would suspect that they're counterfeit jeans? What better place to make the buy than in a cop's garage, where no one would suspect a thing? Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny.
A counterfeit-jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everyone! Wait here.
Not so fast.
Maybe you should just stop entirely.
Herman, how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans.
But what about the victims? Hardworking designers like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt or Antoine Bugle Boy? These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me too!" Advance on him, men.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Oh, no! It's Gloria Vanderbilt out for revenge.
No, it's Officer Simpson of the police.
Herman, your beef is with me! Leave the girl out of this! - Okay.
- Homer! It's too late for me, Marge! Sell the jeans and live like a queen! Is Bart home? Just taking Maggie for a stroll.
I guess I am putting up the Halloween decorations a little early.
Criticism accepted.
Marge! - Go, Mom! - Bust him! All right, Mom! Go back to bed! Don't make me come up there! Looks like your wife is embarking up the wrong tree.
Freeze! Every mother knows the secret entrance to her son's tree house.
Oh, Marge, you saved my life.
I'm sorry I teased you.
You're a really good cop.
I'm proud of you.
So long.
Gotta catch the 501.
- He's getting away! You blew it, Marge.
- I don't think so.
Foiled by my own shoddy merchandise! That's my ambulance! I called for it four hours ago! Marge, how did you know? - That the pants would rip? - No.
What Years of buying pants for children and a full-seated husband has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching which these jeans have in spades.
That's nice work, Simpson, but we can't hold him.
There's no evidence.
There's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
They've mysteriously disappeared.
Looking good, boys.
That's it.
There's too much corruption on this force.
I quit.
Sorry to lose you, Simpson.
I don't think they're coming back.
Well, that does it.
That does it.
I'm looking at his cards.
I fold.

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