The Simpsons s07e02 Episode Script

Radioactive Man

The Simpsons D'oh! Oh, all these new superheroes suck.
None of them could hold a candle to Radioactive Man.
The only decent new one is Radiation Dude.
- He's a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.
- Explain.
The similarities are subtle, but many.
For example, Radioactive Man has his famous catchphrase, "Up and Atom!" With "at 'em" spelled A-T-O-M, in a delicious pun.
- Go on.
- While Radiation Dude has a similar but lamer catchphrase, "Up and let's go!" So you kids fancy yourselves experts, eh? Well, between us we've read all 814 issues of Radioactive Man.
Yeah, and we both have a special, limited-edition issue where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.
I suppose you know then, that Hollywood is planning a feature film about Radioactive Man.
I have got to do something about that air conditioner suction.
Who's gonna play Radioactive Man? I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.
Here we are.
Alt dot nerd dot obsessive.
Need know star R.
Yeah, I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star.
I think we should bring back Dirk Richter.
Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
I keep telling you, he's 73 years old and he's dead.
- Granted, but- - Besides, we want to stay as far away from the campy '70s version as possible.
Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man! It's the worst villain of them all! The Scoutmaster! - I see him, Fallout Boy.
- Go get 'em, Scouts.
Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys! So, where can we shoot this picture? We need a city that has a nuclear reactor and a gorge and can guarantee us the full cooperation of city officials.
I'll check Variety.
Look at that ad.
All right, this place must be hot.
They don't need a big ad - or even correct spelling.
- I agree with that logic.
Get me two plane tickets to the state that Springfield is in.
We have $30 million to spend.
We'll blow up our dams, destroy forests- anything! If there's a species of animal that's causing you problems nosing around your camera, we'll have it wiped out! Look, we just want to make movies, not kill things.
We understand.
Students, I have an announcement.
One of your favorite comic book heroes, "Radio Man"- Radioactive Man, stupid! Strange.
I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
Anyway, a Hollywood studio has decided to film the Radioactive Man movie here in Springfield.
And, they will be holding auditions to find a local youngster to play Fallout Boy.
Oh, and the air conditioner will be fixed this afternoon.
Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again! Bart, why are you talking like that? Yeah, and who the hell are you talkin' to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men? I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialogue.
If I get his role, I could finally come to terms with this funny little muddle called Bart.
Ev-er-y-one is talk-ing a-bout Ra-di-o-ac-tive M-an y'all.
Wow! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals? - Yeah.
- Which one were you? The ugly one? - Were you the ugly one? - No, I was the tough kid.
My shtick was lookin' into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a face full of soot.
Nobody could do that better than me.
Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time but, you know, we had good writers.
William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.
If you were such a big shot, why aren't you still makin' movies? Moe? Moe! - Oh, no! My favorite aggie! - Oh! Ha? Hmm? Oh.
You stole my bit! You-That's my bit, you- Oh, you stole my bit! Cut.
! Oh, my God.
! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Yeah.
Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan, owned by the studio.
- Oh, I see.
- Yeah.
That makes sense.
With wealthy Hollywood people on the way local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little.
Help me, Radioactive Man.
Watch out, Radioactive Man! - Totally awesome.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's all in the delivery.
"Now is the winter of our discontent"- Oh, no! Run! Cool! Yeah.
Mom! Don't make me do this! - I don't wanna be an actor.
- Nonsense.
You're going to be great.
Now take off those glasses, so they can see your beautiful eyes.
At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? - Watch out! - Next! Ha-ha! Hey, that hurts.
No wonder no one came to my birthday party.
At last the world is safe - eh, Fallout Boy? - What's for lunch tomorrow? - Next.
- Chicken necks? We're never going to find-Wait a minute.
That child has the exact qualities we're looking for.
! He's perfect.
! What is his name? I don't know.
He just came along with one of the others.
- He didn't sign up officially.
- Oh, forget him then.
It wouldn't be fair to the other children who filled out their application forms in full.
Next! At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy? Watch out, Radioactive Man! - Brilliant reading.
Again? - Watch out, Radioactive Man! Fantastic! One more time! - Watch out, Radioactive Man! - Congratulations, Bart Simpson.
You're our new Fallout Boy.
! That's what I'd be saying to you if you weren't an inch too short.
Next! I've got to grow an inch by tomorrow, or I won't get that part.
Pull, you mighty stallions, pull! Show me no mercy! Oh! Oh, I only grew half an inch.
I'm still too short.
Growing half an inch in one day is still pretty good, Bart.
Yeah, that's how fast Grampa's shrinking.
Oh, I'm as tall as I ever was.
Is there any way I can look taller without actually being taller? Good news, gentlemen.
I've grown that extra inch you wanted.
- Plus several feet more.
- We found our new Fallout Boy! And he's right over there.
Huh? Ladies and gentlemen meet America's new Fallout Boy! Out of the way.
Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer- uh, keeper-awayer.
Leave me alone! Mom! Dad! Make 'em stop! - What is all this stuff? - Uh, we've heard you've become a star.
We decided we better start living in the fast lane.
What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this? I'm sorry.
I can't hear you, son.
I'm wearing a Jacuzzi suit.
I just missed out on the greatest opportunity of my entire life.
George Burns was right.
Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Cheer up, Bart.
Milhouse is still gonna need a true friend.
Someone to tell him he's great.
Someone to rub lotion on him.
Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
You're right, Lise.
I can suck up to him like the religious people suck up to God! Guess what, kids? They're gonna pay us $50 a day to film some of the movie here.
Ah, we'll run that cable through here.
Careful, now.
Didn't you direct Unnatural Discretion? Well, yes, I did.
Hoo-whee! Whoo! Oh! You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yuck! I've got an idea, Mr.
Why don't you get somethin' to eat from our food truck? - Hey.
! - M-Mr.
Simpson? You've gotta give me the part of Krispy the Clown! I'm sorry! You're wrong for the part.
But look at my range! I'm sorry.
Krispy the Clown has been cast.
But I will hire you for Angry the Clown, Silly Sailor and Dr.
I won't let you down! Well, I might let you down on Silly Sailor.
- Up and atom.
- Up and at them.
- Up and atom! - Up and at them! - Up and atom! - Up and at them! Better.
Hi, Milhouse! Hey, I want you to know that I'm glad at least one of us got the part.
Milhouse! I didn't do it.
I wished him well.
I wished him well! Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet.
There's the real Milhouse.
Milhouse! Hey, you're not Milhouse.
No, I'm just Milhouse when he gets hurt.
Ohh! Okay.
Let's get the real Milhouse over here, under the X-ray truck.
Hi, Bart.
Hey, cool, Milhouse.
You get to be crushed by a truck.
It sounds like more fun than it really is.
Hey! I- I think I'm lying on a broken bottle! Beautiful! Use it.
Fallout Boy, origin scene, take one- Action.
! - Up and at them.
- Thanks for the help, mysterious stranger.
I think those X-rays gave me super powers.
And cut.
! That was perfect.
! Let's do it again.
Uh, these aren't real X-rays, are they? Good question! We'll check into that.
X-ray machine to full power, and action! Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows? Cows don't look like cows on film.
You gotta use horses.
What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse? Uh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.
- You guys work on the movie? - You're sayin' we're not working? Oh, I always wanted to be a Teamster.
So lazy and surly.
Mind if I relax next to ya? Mm-hmm.
Oh, here he comes.
What is it now, Quimby? Nothing.
Only the, uh, city has just passed another tax on puffy directing pants.
But I don't wear puffy pants! I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants.
- Oy! - I'm sorry.
Wow! You've really got it made now, Milhouse.
- This is living! - Is it, Bart? - Is it really? - Yeah.
Ever since I became a movie star, I've been miserable.
I had to get up at 5:00 a.
just for makeup.
I like the way the blush brings out my cheekbones, but it's not worth it.
And making movies is so horribly repetitive.
I've said "jiminy jillickers" so many times, the words have lost all meaning.
We've got to do the jiminy jillickers scene again, Milhouse.
But we already did it.
It took seven hours, but we did it.
It's done.
Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles.
Again and again! And again and again and again! Yeah! Ach! I can't believe Silly Sailor beat us both up - and imprisoned us in his floating Aquaworld.
- Jiminy jillickers! There, now, there's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy.
Everyone in town has been gouging us silly, but it's worth it.
- It's all up there on the screen.
- Yes.
That Milhouse is going to be big.
! Gabby Hayes big! Okay, listen up, everybody.
This is the hardest most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it.
So we have to do it right.
Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he's hit with a 40-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path.
Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people.
- Real acid? - Okay.
Roll film! Tip the acid vats.
! And action.
Only Fallout Boy can save me now.
Where's Fallout Boy? - Fallout Boy! - Uh-oh.
My eyes.
The goggles do nothing.
Where in the hell is Milhouse? That one shot cost us a million dollars! Where's the producer? I want to talk about this coffee.
Milhouse! Thanks to modern editing techniques we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse.
Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
Jiminy jillickers, Radioactive Man! We'll have to fight our way out.
Are you ready? Yes.
Seamless, huh? - You're fired.
- And with good cause! Go! Okay.
We can all stop worrying now.
These dogs never fail.
But will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him? Well, they'll- When they find him, they'll, um- Excuse me, you didn't answer me.
You just trailed off.
Yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I? I know Milhouse.
I'll just check all his old haunts.
- Have you seen Milhouse? - No.
Now, go away.
We're racing for the title of the Champion of the Universe.
All right! - Yo! Doctor "S.
" Have you seen Milhouse today? - No.
- Okay.
- Wait.
Did you know that there's a direct correlation between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? - Think about it.
- I will.
No, you won't.
The only place left is the tree house.
- Aha! - Stay away from me, Bart.
I mean it.
I'm not going back.
- I'm not cut out to be a star.
- But, Milhouse being a star is every patriotic American's dream.
Not mine.
It's a sham, Bart.
You get up on that movie screen pretending to be a hero, but you're not.
The real heroes are out there, toiling day and night on more important things.
- Television? - No! Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger.
But, Milhouse, they haven't cured anything.
Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant.
Those do-gooders are all a bunch of pitiful losers.
Every last one of'em! Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones and to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes.
Mickey Rooney.
! Hi, Milhouse.
The studio sent me to talk to you being a former child star myself, and the number-one box office draw from 1939 through 1940! Wow! Spanning two decades.
- How'd you find us? - Uh, they tapped your tree house phone.
Listen, you can't quit this movie.
I've seen your work.
It's good.
Very, very good.
- Van Johnson good.
- I know I'm good.
- Movie stardom is just so hollow.
- Hollow? The only thing in show business that's hollow is the music industry.
Come on, Milhouse.
You have to do this.
If not for yourself, then for the movie-going public and for the foreign markets that are more important than ever nowadays.
And finally, for me the Mickster.
- No! - All right.
I tried.
Fortunately, we have a perfectly good Fallout Boy right here.
Jiminy jillickers.
Jiminy jillickers.
Jiminy jillickers! - We're shutting down production.
- Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway.
Ah, there's a $1,000 "leaving town" tax.
I hope you're all satisfied.
You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks.
Folks from a Hollywood where values are different.
They weren't thinking about the money.
They just wanted to tell a story.
A story about a radioactive man and you slick small-towners took 'em for all they were worth.
Should we give them some of their money back? No.
Hurry, Mr.
We've got a disenchanted little girl in a Jell-O Pudding commercial.
I could play that.
So, Milhouse.
It must be a little tough givin' up all that glamour and comin' back to school, huh? Quiet! Maybe I can get my citizenship.
We know you don't have any more money left.
But that doesn't matter.
Just take whatever you need from our boutiques until you can get back on your feet.
Thank God we're back in Hollywood, where people treat each other right.
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