The Simpsons s07e22 Episode Script

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'

The Simpsons D'oh! Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home.
But I have to work with these people.
Oh, jabber jacks! Schoolhouse don't put out spittoons, I ain't responsible.
All right, seniors we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Let's start with Milhouse's grandfather.
Uh, how many of you have a house? All right.
Now how many of you drove your house to school today? - Huh? - What? Well, I did.
No, I'm not Superman.
I just own an R.
V.
Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure.
- Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas.
- Wow! You're livin'in a fool's paradise, Van Houten.
If you fell down in the shower, that thing'd be your tomb.
Grampa, hush! Here.
Why don't you spit some more? No, I'm not Superman.
I'm a judge.
Why, just this morning I sentenced my 46th man to death.
No, 47 th.
Wow, 47! I love you, Grandpa.
Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon.
- Look! - Bart, perhaps your grandfather would like to come up front now and give someone else a chance to interrupt.
Oh, please, no.
About time, knothead.
Now- Hey, listen! Now, my story begins in nineteen dickety-two.
We had to say "dickety," 'cause the kaiser had stolen our word "twenty.
" I chased that rascal to get it back but gave up after dickety-six miles.
Dickety? Highly dubious.
What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie.
That's your problem.
Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the "terlet.
" Terlet.
Ha! Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet! And then he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other.
Why is he always making up those crazy stories? - Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home.
- You already put him in a home.
Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.
No! Old people deserve our respect.
Look atJacques Cousteau and Goldie Hawn.
You wouldn't shut them away like second-class citizens.
Second-class! What about Social Security, bus discounts medic alert jewelry, Gold Bond powder pants all the way up to your armpits and all those other senior perks.
Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.
Mm, let's see.
Yeah, yeah.
Eh, this junk was hardly worth gettin' up for.
Maybe if I go back to sleep for a few days, some good mail will build up.
Hey, what's this? "Asa Phelps has"- The seventh Hellfish is dead! That means the fortune's almost mine.
Asa Phelps spent his entire life in Springfield except for a four-year service in World War II and one high school day trip.
He worked at the United Strut and Bracing Works as a molders boy until he was replaced by a Moldermatic and died.
Would you do the honors? Well, Simpson, seven gone.
As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin I'll be the sole survivor, and the treasure will be mine.
Over my dead body it will! That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself? How long was that? Your clownish behavior notwithstanding we have made a gentleman's agreement and sworn on our lives to honor it.
Smithers, I want that man killed.
Well, let's see.
Mesmerists, dowsers, Luddites, alienists Zoroastrians, alphabetizers- Aha! Assassins! I was wondering, sir.
Do we really need to, uh settle Abe Simpson? I mean, I'm familiar with his physical state and perhaps if we wait, nature will assassinate him for us.
Well, I can't risk it.
I won't allow that Simpson boy to take the Hellfish bonanza.
And I can't get it without his key.
Ah, just the man I need.
Fernando Vidal, the world's most devious assassin.
- Hola.
- Fernando, it's M.
B.
Ah, Marion Barry.
Is it time for another shipment already? - Oi! This is Montgomery Burns! - Oh, caramba.
I'm sending you a photo over the Faxtrola.
I need you to fly to Springfield and assassinate this man posthaste.
Ah, Del Monte.
Enjoy them, old man.
They will be your last.
Hey, what the- I'm up! I'm up! Ah, he's more clever than he looks.
Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you.
Hot diggety! My family's come to visit me! It-Wait a minute! My family never comes to vi- D'oh! Not again! I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery.
I'll be in the car, dudes.
There is one more way to kill a man but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess.
Was that me, or was that you? Help! Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away.
Let's start by doubling your medication.
Our residents are trying to nap! Ah.
! Let me in.
! Someone's trying to kill me.
! Sweet merciful McGillicutty.
! You gotta open the door.
! - Who is it? - It's Grampa.
And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.
And then a knife flew at my head! And you were there and you were there.
Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth.
It's plenty moist! Listen! Monty Burns is trying to kill me, and it's all because- Uh, um, I can't tell you why.
Well, I'm sure you'll make up something.
Maybe you just need more of my classmates around.
I gotta hole up here for a while.
They might still be after me! Wow! He's even more agitated than usual.
- Maybe we should let him stay.
- Where are we going to put him? - Bart's room.
- Bart's room.
- Bart's room.
- Dumpster.
Sorry to crowd you, boy, but I'll let you in on a secret.
Burns is after me 'cause he wants the Hellfish bonanza.
Look, if you're gonna stay in my room could you at least stop making up gibberish? Gibberish, eh? Then what's this? Wrinkly gibberish? I got this in the Second World War II.
Back then I was known as Sergeant Simpson and I commanded the Flying Hellfish the fightingest squad in the fightingest company in the third-fightingest battalion in the army.
We were all from Springfield.
There was Police Chief Wiggum's father, Iggy Wiggum.
Um, if anybody finds a grenade without a pin, that's mine.
Our radioman, Sheldon Skinner.
All right, very funny.
Well, I didn't join the service to make friends.
And watching our backs was Private Fifth Class Arnie Gumble.
Then there was also Griff, Asa, Ox and Etch.
But every unit has a troublemaker.
Ours was a cocky little private named Montgomery Burns.
Haven't you won the war yet? Duh, hey! You said you was dead.
Yes.
Dead tired.
But I'm quite refreshed now.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town? How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private? Well, he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J.
Edgar Hoover.
We got stuck with him.
Now they'll never save your brain, Hitler.
Little help? Boom! Boom it went! Boom! Just like that! They took a photo of my keister for Stars and Stripes.
! At least they told me it was for Stars and Stripes.
Well, if you saved Burns's life, why does he want to kill you? It was the closing days of the war.
We had just flushed some Germans out of an abandoned castle.
Hey! Burnsie found some pictures.
Wait a minute.
We ain't-a supposed to steal from civilians.
You want me to report you to Commander Flanders? Just leave them, Burnsie.
Leave them for whom? The Germans? The folks who shoot at us all day? Let's just take them.
We'll all be rich- rich as Nazis.
Wow! I'd like to be as rich as the Nazis! Think of what a guy could get himself with that kind of scratch.
Yeah.
I could buy chicken dinners three times a day.
I could buy a brand-new Studebaker with a fan on the dashboard.
I could buy my way into high- society.
Well, I don't feel right about it but I could use a nest egg for retirement.
I'd hate to wind up in one of them old folks' homes.
Then it's agreed.
Of course, we can't sell the paintings now.
We'd be caught.
How many of you are familiar with the concept of a tontine? All right, Ox.
Why don't you take us through it.
Uhh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them "perty" pictures.
Well put, Oxford.
Now remember, you can't all sign with an "X.
" So we sealed up the paintings knowing only one of us would ever look upon them again.
Ox was the first to go.
He got a hernia carrying the crate out of the castle.
Five more men died in the Veterans Day float disaster of'79.
Now, with Asa gone, it's down to me and Burns.
Great story, Grampa.
Could've used a vampire though.
Night.
My own grandson thinks I'm a liar.
Don't kill me! I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson but you had to be littleJohnny Live-A-Lot.
Now give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza.
Oh, wow! There really is a treasure! - Whatever you do, don't give him the key, Grampa.
- Here's the key.
Aw, figures.
Hey, Mr.
Burns! Can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't eat much, and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.
Oh, you're a good boy but the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.
Well, I'm off to get the paintings.
As they say, "time is Monets.
" As you were, Sergeant.
Oh, terribly sorry.
Back to sleep, little girl.
Santa? I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich.
Not without the keys he isn't.
Hey, you got the keys! - Now we can get the treasure! - Oh, what's the use? Burns would still find some way to take it from me.
I can't believe you, Grampa.
The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns.
You gotta get that treasure.
You gotta do it for Ox and Asa and Griff and Burnsie! Well, not so much Burnsie.
You really think I can do it? Uh, yes.
But we gotta act fast.
Where are you two going at this hour? - On a treasure hunt.
- Oh, can I come? Only if you're ready to stare danger in the face put your manhood to the ultimate test and take- Pass.
Hey, Grampa, do you think your dead buddies get up and walk around at night? If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.
Okay, hold up here.
Fellas, it's me, Sarge.
At ease.
I know I'm bending the rules tonight but I also know none of you wants that skunk Burns to take our treasure.
And I want you to know that when I die you're all welcome to visit me in Rich Man's Heaven.
Now it's gonna show us exactly where to dig.
D'oh.
! Boy, you borrow us some diving equipment while I borrow this boat.
Well, howdy-doodilly, stranger.
Couldn't help but notice you stealing my boat.
- I'll bring it back.
- You ever operated a power boat? - No.
- Know anything about water safety? - No.
- What do you need it for? - It's a secret.
- Ooh, sounds spine-tingly-dingling.
Just promise you'll have a good time.
Maude! Boys! Come on up! We're gonna have a little campout in the dinghy.
Yea.
! Now remember the plan, boy.
If you run out of air, tug on the rope- Sixty-four times.
No more, no less.
Got it.
No, no! Sixty-three times if you're out of air! Sixty-four is if you've found the treasure.
Gotcha.
Hey, Grampa, do you think I could've been a Flying Hellfish? You're a gutsy daredevil with a give-'em-hell attitude and a fourth-grade education.
You could've made sergeant.
Wow! Sixty-one, 62, 63- Oh, no! Sixty-three! He's out of air! I've sent my only grandson to a watery grave! Sixty-four! He found the treasure! I'm rich! You're one heck of a grandson, boy.
Now let's break her open and have a look-see.
Oh! Hey- Huh? Huh.
The light must've burned out.
I'll thank you to stop pinching my Botticelli.
Looks like I didn't need the keys after all.
I'll take the masterpieces.
Thank you.
Consarn it! You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish! Oh, am I? No! Look! Take the art if you want.
Just don't hurt the boy.
Hmm.
I'd rather do both.
So long, Sarge.
See you at the reunion in November.
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
Ah, the fortune doesn't matter, boy.
The important thing is you're safe.
Now let's get that fortune! They're gaining on us, sir.
We'll have to jettison something.
It's been an honor to serve you, sir.
Consarn it! He's getting away! In a pig's eye he is! Act your age, Simpson! You look foolish! - Don't kill me.
- I ain't gonna kill ya.
That'd be cowardly.
Monty Burns cowardly.
I just wanna watch you squirm.
Yes, sir.
Is this to your liking? Now, Burnsie, there's one thing we don't stand for in the Hellfish and that's trying to kill your commanding officer.
So consider this your dishonorable discharge.
You're out of my unit.
You're out of the tontine.
And that means the paintings are mine! Private, you are dismissed! You're rich, Grampa! You did it! And Burns can never take that away from you.
Freeze! U.
S.
State Department.
We'll take those.
We've been helping the German government search for this stolen art for 50 years.
To avoid an international incident, we'll be returning it to the descendant of its rightful owner.
Baron Von Bertzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for- Ja, ja, ja.
Mach schnell mit the art things, huh? I must get back to Dance Central in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk.
Hey, und, dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh? Idiot.
I guess he deserves it more than I do.
Well, at least I got to show you I wasn't always a pathetic old kook.
You never were, Grampa.
Oh, I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed.
I won't get embarrassed.
I don't care who knows I love my grampa.
Hey, fun boys! Get a room! Shh!