The Simpsons s07e24 Episode Script


The Simpsons D'oh! Whoa.
You know, most of my life I've- I've had to live with the shame of being a screw-up.
But now, as I stand here with the award for the district's safest bus driver well, i-it's like a dream come true.
- Otto.
! Wake up.
! - Huh? Aah! Aah! So, um, who's good at keepin' secrets? "Dear parents, due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard "the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks.
"By reading this letter out loud "you have waived any legal responsibility on our part in perpetuity, throughout the universe.
" Well, we'll have to organize a carpool.
Hey! Every day will be like a road trip! With your dad! To school! So how about those rainbow suspenders, huh? Dad- - Pretty cool way to keep your pants up, eh? - Dad! I see these kids now with "jive" printed on their shirts.
Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive.
" Dad! Please just drive the car, Dad.
I'm watching the road, sweetie.
"You jive turkey!" See? You got to sass it.
"Quit jivin' me, turkey!" You got to sass it.
A turkey is a bad person.
KFSL- Fossil 103.
Classic hits from ABBA to Zeppelin, comma, Led.
Tell him! Uh, Mr.
Simpson, sir? Can you please change the radio station? But this is Grand Funk Railroad.
You guys back there know Grand Funk, right? Nobody knows the band Grand Funk? The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drum work of Don Brewer? Oh, man! For more information on Grand Funk consult your school library.
When I listen to a really good song I start nodding my head, like I'm saying "Yes!" to every beat.
"Yes! Yes! Yes! This rocks!" And then sometimes I switch it up, like- "No! No! No! Don't stop a-rockin'!" Dad, please.
You're embarrassing us.
No, I'm not.
I'm teaching you about rock music.
Now, Grand Funk Railroad paved the way forJefferson Airplane which cleared the way forJefferson Starship.
The stage was now set for The Alan Parsons Project which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.
Dad, no one cares about any of your stupid dinosaur bands! You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever! I'm just trying to party with you guys.
Homer, first of all, it's "par-tay" and second, we wouldn't "par-tay" with you if you were the last dad on Earth.
Hi there.
It's been a while since I set foot in Good Vibrations Music.
Where can I find the latest releases by Bread? - Oldies.
- Oldies? But you've got all the top bands in here! Styx? I just heard them on the King Biscuit Flower Hour.
! Now, here are some of your no-name bands.
Sonic Youth? Nine-Inch Nails? Hullabalooza? Hullabalooza is a music festival.
The greatest music festival of all time? There can be only one truly great music festival a lifetime, and it's the Us Festival.
- The what festival? - The Us Festival! Yeesh! It was sponsored by that guy from Apple Computers.
What computers? Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974.
It's a scientific fact.
Quadraphonic sound, a water bed, and now a strobe light.
Gentlemen, say hello to the Second Base-Mobile.
Wicked! Back then we didn't care what anyone thought and the chicks found that irresistible.
I think you're cool, Homer Simpson.
Sandra, that was mean.
But most of all, I remember the music.
- What the hell are you two doin'? - It's called rockin' out.
You wouldn't understand, Dad.
You're not with it.
I used to be "with it.
" But then they changed what "it" was.
Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
It'll happen to you! No way, man.
We're gonna keep on rockin' forever.
What's wrong, Homie? I went to the record store today and they were playing all this music I never heard of.
It was like the store had gone crazy.
Record stores have always seemed crazy to me, but it doesn't upset me.
Music is none of my business.
That's fine for you, Marge but I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day.
Then it was every other day.
Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.
I've gotta get out of this rut and back into the groove! Well, good! Try to include Bart and Lisa.
Dear Lord, if you keep Homer from embarrassing us today we promise to build several churches in your honor.
Bart! No! Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant! Dad, you forgot to pick up Milhouse.
I did? I must be getting forgetful in my old age.
Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine.
What are you talking about? Well? What have we here? Looks like your uncool dad scored tickets to Hullabalooza! Bart, these look real.
Check the authenticator spot.
This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket.
For authentic refreshment, eat Clark bars.
And for totally outrageous class rings, it's Jostens.
Go, Jostens! You're not going to school today.
Today your classroom will be the Capitol City Amphitheater.
Your teacher- four dozen rock bands.
So get ready for some well-supervised craziness while you rock out with your father! Whoo-hoo! Wow, it's like Woodstock only with advertisements everywhere and tons of security guards.
People, have your tickets out.
Throw your cameras out.
Surrender all identification.
Ohh! My homemade Kahlua! Generation X may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people.
Hey! A freak show! Oww! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And now the band you've all been waiting for, Cypress Hill! Before we start- We have a lost child here.
If she's not claimed within the next hour she will become property of Blockbuster Entertainment.
- What is that smell? - It smells like Otto's jacket.
- Dude, karma.
- What? Karma.
Oh, I get it.
Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a Rastafarian hat! Hey, I been safari-in' since before you were born.
Wearing a Jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection to reggae music.
Well, excu-u-use me! You know what, Dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a while.
Well, Homer, this is it.
Time to get back with the people.
The young people.
All right! Yeah! Cool concert.
Am I right? - Yeah, nice try, narc.
- Where's the narc? - Who? - That fatJamaican guy.
What'd I say? What's goin' on? Hey, we're just tryin' to have a good time, narc.
Why do you want to destroy us? Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime! Okay, I'm heading out now.
More butt support.
More butt support! D'oh! It may be bleak but this music is really getting to the crowd.
Ah, making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Oh! Makes no sense.
I haven't changed since high school, and suddenly I'm uncool.
I've been kicked out of paradise.
I'll never be part of the scene again.
Oh, man, There goes Peter Frampton's big finale.
He's gonna be pissed off.
You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off! I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale! - Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine.
Sir, I run Hullabalooza's Pageant of the Trans-Mundane- the freak show- and I've been looking for a big fatso to shoot with a cannon.
I'd like very much for you to be that fatso.
So, you wanna go on tour with a traveling freak show.
I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
- Of course you have a choice.
- How do you figure? You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people.
And now, get ready for the man with the iron stomach! Hi, everybody.
Is everybody good? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Stay in school.
Your hero, Homer.
Hey, Cannonball.
I like your statement.
When life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground.
Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
You know, my kids think you're the greatest.
And thanks to your gloomy music they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.
Well, we try to make a difference.
"Dear Bart and Lisa"- All is well on tour with America's most popular alternative music festival.
Our firstjob is to entertain.
And I like to think sometimes we get a message across as well.
But the main thing is I finally tapped into that spirit of self-destruction that makes rock and roll the king of music.
Whoo-hoo! Hello, ticket holders! Oh, here comes that cannonball guy.
He's cool.
- Are you being sarcastic, dude? - I don't even know anymore.
Thank you! And remember, don't trust anyone over 30! And now, Peter Frampton! Thanks, Homer.
Homer Simpson, everyone! Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield.
Is it true that we have to bring our own water? We got a little rule back home- If it's brown, drink it down.
If it's black, send it back.
The hometown show's the big one, Homer.
People who called you a weirdo in high school get to see what a successful freak you've become.
Hey, I wasn't a weirdo.
I was in the audio-visual club.
Really? Me too.
But I got kicked out 'cause of my views on Vietnam.
Also, I was stealing projectors.
Anyway, get ready, beer belly.
- We're gonna show Springfield what we're made of! - All right, Homer! Yeah, Homer.
! That was odd.
Gee, I don't like the sound of that.
No biggie.
I'm cool.
Nothing's more important to me than the health and well-being of my freaks.
I'm sending you to a vet.
My God.
! Those cannonballs have practically demolished your stomach.
From now on, no cannonballs, no spicy foods and when you lie in a hammock, please rest your beer on your head or your genitals.
I'm a rocker! I don't care for rules.
Simpson, this is serious.
If you take one more cannonball to the gut, you will die.
Die? Well, you don't scare me, Doc.
'Cause dyin' would be a stone groove! Got any messages forJimi Hendrix? Yes.
Pick up your puppy.
So, what's it like being famous, Dad? People know your name, but you don't know theirs.
It's great.
! Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs? Nope! What religion are you? You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life.
Uh, Christianity.
- What's with all the questions? - Just some report I gotta do for school.
- Hey, you want some pie? - Sure.
We've got a lot of catching up to do.
Clear the way.
Clear the way! Performer coming through! This is so exciting.
Last time I got to go backstage was when Bart ripped his pants at the Christmas play.
- Mom! - Ha-ha! Hello, bands.
! Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on, people.
Somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra.
Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.
Hey, man, did we order an orchestra? - What's up with this orchestra? - Where'd the orchestra come from, man? - I don't know.
- You didn't tell me about this, man.
We gotta do somethin'.
Uh, yeah, we think we did.
Uh, do you know "Insane in the Brain"? We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot.
Now, this I like.
Man, that guy's guitar is talkin'! Hey, my shoes are talkin' too! Don't worry.
We won't hurt you.
We only want to have some fun.
And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster.
"Nobody's going to pay a hundred-percent service charge.
" Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.
Do you feel like we do, Springfield? Yeah! Do y- Wait.
Do ya- Do ya feel- Do- Do ya feel- Oh, come on! Do you feel- Homer Simpson wrecks my pig Cypress Hill steals my orchestra and Sonic Youth's in my cooler! Get out of there, you kids! Oh, come on, Mr.
You're not gonna eat all that watermelon.
Please! I'm trying to perform.
Go ahead.
We'll stay here and guard your cooler.
Twenty-five years I've been in this- I've never- And now, Springfield, this is the moment that you've been waiting for! The man who embodies everything about rock and roll- except the music.
Give it up for your very own homegrown hero Homer Simpson.
! I used to carpool with that guy! Oh, this is heavy.
Okay, Homer, don't fear the reaper.
Ohh! I'm gonna die! Cannons are designed to hurt.
They're designed to hurt! Shh! Mom! Dad needs our support.
You're the coolest dad alive! Oh, Marge, I thought I had an appetite for destruction but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
There might be one in this cooler.
- Oh! Here we go.
- Ohh! Oh, man, Homer wussed out.
I'm so disillusioned.
Hey, Hullabalooza isn't about freaks.
It's about music and advertising and youth-oriented product positioning.
That, and getting toasted.
Nicely toasted.
Homer, I'm sorry.
There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak.
Unless that's his act.
- I expect your letter of resignation on my desk.
- You have a desk? I mean the hood of my car.
I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak worldview.
- I've got too much to live for.
- We envy you, Homer.
All we have is our music, our legions of fans our millions of dollars and our youth.
Whoo-hoo! - Let's all go out and buy fur coats! - I want a walk-in humidor.
So I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.
Dad, what you just said was powerfully uncool.
You know what the song says.
It's hip to be square.
That song is so lame.
So lame that it's cool? - No.
- Am I cool, kids? - No.
- Good.
I'm glad.
- And that's what makes me cool- not caring.
Right? - No.
Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here.
Wait, Marge.
Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
- Sure you do.
- How else would you know? Shh!
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