The Simpsons s08e04 Episode Script

Burns, Baby Burns

## [Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day.
I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series.
Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.
And the cider mill operated continuously until 1941 when its workers left to fight in the Second World War.
When they returned, the old girl was just as they'd left her only now she was infested with thousands upon thousands of rats.
[All Gasping, Reacting.]
And if you listen real carefully you can still hear them gnawing away at the apples and splashing around in the toilets.
And that concludes this portion of the tour.
[Change Rattling.]
One of the most historically significant fruit presses - in this part of the state- - [Sighs.]
was based on a German design, but modified for the larger American apple.
Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson.
- How long have you been here? - Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.
Oh, sucking down the cider, huh? Hey, word to the wise- season pass.
Pays for itself after the 16th visit.
You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice.
But I do.
Now, here's a little trick to help you remember.
If it's clear and yella, you've got juice there, fella.
If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town.
Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kind of- [Fades.]
[Homer Thinking.]
Oh! You can stay, but I'm leaving.
[Continues, Indistinct.]
And of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.
Oh, my! I better get you some cider.
Next to spring and winter, fall is my absolute favorite season.
Just look at all this beautiful "foilage.
" It's not "foilage," Mom.
It's foliage.
That's what I said- "foilage.
" It doesn't take a "nucular" scientist to pronounce "foilage.
" [Wind Whistling.]
Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up.
They barely even won.
Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir.
Well, I say let Harvard have its football and academics.
Yale will always be first in gentlemanly club life.
Why, every friend I have, I made right here.
- Hello, Burnsie.
It's your old roomy, Dink.
- [Shudders.]
[Pool Chalk Squeaking.]
- Oh, nicely played, sir.
- [Man On P.
Attention, passengers.
The train has been temporarily delayed because of a discarded couch on the tracks.
Yes, it looks like some sort of a couch.
Oh, this may take a while, Smithers.
Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement? I'll be a one-man conga line.
Ah, customers.
Thank God.
Papa needs a new pair of everything.
Hey, how you doing? Welcome to scenic Waynesport.
And remember your visit with a googly-eyed walnut.
How about a googly-eyed rock? Some nice local squash candy? A stressed-out Pepsi bottle? Come on.
If this stuff is too nice for you, I've got some crap.
Oh, oh! [Train Whistle Blows.]
Hey, CaseyJones, where's this train headed? - Springfield.
- Yeah, yeah.
What state? - [Continues, Indistinct.]
- [Train Whistle Blows.]
I can honestly say that was the most fun I've ever had.
The mill, the history, all that gorgeous foliage.
I can't "exscape" Lisa, our little walking "libary.
" Can't they get a pole for that sign? - That's a hitchhiker, Homer.
- Ooh, let's pick him up.
- No.
What if he's crazy? - And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.
- We're not picking him up.
- Oh, yes, we are.
- There's not enough room.
- Yes, there is.
I just don't think it's a good idea.
And I think it's the best idea I've ever had.
- We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.
- [Tires Squeal.]
Hey, you folks are all right.
Man, it was rough getting a ride out there.
The only car that stopped was a hearse that thought I fell out.
It was rough, I tell you.
- Careful of the apple pie on the seat.
- Uh-oh.
Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? I sure hope so.
Hey, I'm looking for this guy.
Anybody know who he is? Yeah, sure, we know him.
That's Mr.
- He tried to kill our puppies.
- He sexually harassed me.
- He stole my fiancée.
- He made fun of my weight.
Okay, so there's been a little friction.
Know his address? Whoa! This guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf.
He's rich, I tell ya.
I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox.
Hey, who am I talking to? [Doorbell Rings.]
- Yes? - Yeah.
Uh, hi.
My-My name is Larry.
I'm here to see Mr.
Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry but if Mr.
Burns ever wants to see a stranger he will observe him through a powerful telescope.
- Now, if you- - Smithers, what's going on? How dare you interrupt my lime rickey? [Slurping, Sighs.]
State your business.
Well, geez! I'm a little nervous here.
What I'm trying to say is I'm- You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? - Keen on Jesus? Out with it! - Well, Mr.
Burns, I'm your son.
Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks.
You got a paper towel? It's true.
He is my son.
- Hey, now you're talking! - Good God.
Ah, Pop, don't get me wrong.
It's great to be here.
But how's a guy like you wind up with a son like me? Ah, Larry, my lad, I've gone over this story in my mind a million times.
It was 1941, the- No, '39, my 25th Yale reunion.
[Burns Narrating.]
Who should appear but the unrequited love of my college years- Mimsie Bankcroft.
Of course by then, Mimsie had her share of wrinkles and a gray hair or two, but my adoring eyes saw past those minor imperfections to her 21-year-old daughter, Lily.
I took Lily to the local "cinematorium' where our passions were inflamed by Clark Gable's reckless use of the word "damn.
'" We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum.
There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos we expressed our love physically as was the style at the time.
Well, how do you like that? I have been in a museum.
- What happened with you and Ma? - There was a terrible scandal.
Lily's family forced her to give you up and bundled her off to a convent in the South Seas.
I never heard from her again.
But I prattle on.
Tell me everything about your life.
Oh, what's to tell? I was at the orphanage till I was 18.
Then I got my job at the souvenir stand.
Oh, and once I saw a blimp.
Well, you must be tired.
Let me show you your room.
Oh, is this posh! Ah, Pop, nobody's ever been so nice to me.
Yes, yes.
All right.
It's good to see you too.
Now then, in case you get bored, here's the playroom.
You can't just eat the orange and throw the peel away! A man's not a piece of fruit! This show was supposed to close last week! Close this show! Close it, I say.
Hey, don't worry about it.
You're all right.
[Bird Squawks.]
[Snoring, Mumbles.]
- [Snoring.]
- [Both Scream.]
Hey, you're that hitchhiker.
What are you doing here? Learning the family business.
I'm Larry Burns, the boss's son.
Oh, relax.
I don't wanna work.
I'm so lazy I took lessons on a player piano.
Wow! That's really lazy.
Lazy, you're not kidding.
Why, I'm like a rug on Valium.
I'm talking lazy.
So lazy.
And Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me.
If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry.
I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening.
Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today.
## [Ballroom.]
[Chattering, Laughing.]
Hey, Pop, this crowd is pretty swanky.
- I'm not gonna fit in here.
- Nonsense, Larry.
Your blood is bluer than any of theirs.
Just give them a snootful of the old Burns charm.
Oh, Admiral Carstairs, I'd like you to meet my son, Larry.
Hey, Skipper, good to meet you.
Where'd you start out, on the Merrimack? Hey, I should talk.
I hope I look that good when I'm 200.
- That's such insubordination! - Larry, please.
He's very sensitive about his age.
Oh, Monty, this must be the son I've heard so much about.
Larry, you must meet our daughter, the debutante.
She came out last spring.
- Whoa! Put her back in! She's not done yet.
- [Scoffs.]
Smithers, there's something a bit odd about young Larry.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
Well, he is a bit rough around the edges, sir.
One might blame his truly heroic intake of cocktails.
Pull up a seat, Pop.
You too, Chuckles.
I mean, the food ain't great, but the portions are terrific.
Hey, I'm kidding.
Hey, give my regards to Mrs.
A total lack of refinement.
Smithers, send for the boys at Yale admissions, hmm? Well, did you meet Larry? Oh, yes.
He made light of my weight problem then suggested my motto should be "Semper Fudge.
" At that point he told me to "relax.
" - How were his test scores? - Let's just say this- he spelled "Yale" with a six.
I see.
Well, l- Oh, you know, I just remembered it's time for my annual donation.
I wonder how much I should give.
Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution.
For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms.
Three hundred- a new dormitory.
And in Larry's case, we would need an international airport.
Yale could use an international airport, Mr.
Are you mad? I'm not made of airports! Get out! Summon my son at once.
- Uh, it appears he's gone drinkin', sir.
- [Scoffs.]
Everybody, go nuts.
I'm buyin'! Hey, handsome, send the bill to my dad.
Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill.
Yeah, but it was worth it.
Hey, what's everybody in this burg have against my dad? He's a pussycat.
I tell you, he's a doll-baby.
Come on over.
I'll show you.
- [Sipping Loudly.]
- [Smacking Lips.]
Ah, this is some party.
If it gets any livelier, a funeral's gonna break out.
Quiet, you.
Nobody likes a comedian.
Geez! Come on, Dad, we got company.
Make with the yakety-yak-yak.
Oh, yakety-yak-yak.
- You, food bag, do you have a son? - Yes, sir, I do.
And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? Oh, all the time.
Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? - He's a little wiener who- - Fascinating.
Good night.
Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here.
I'll tell you what's with me- the humiliation of having a coarse, boorish ignoramus for a son.
Uh, I should go.
What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me anymore? [Door Slams Shut.]
Geez! Dad and I, we started out great but now it's falling apart, like a Chinese motorcycle.
It's so unfair.
You're everything a dad could hope for.
I tell ya, I don't get no regard.
No regard at all.
No esteem either.
Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you and that is a phony kidnapping.
Yeah, right.
I don't know.
Maybe I should just leave town.
Phony kidnapping.
I know what I gotta do.
I gotta clean up my act.
No more joking around all the time.
No more slacking off at work.
And most important, no more booze.
- [Glass Breaks.]
- I know I can do it.
"Your son has been kidnapped.
" I can't believe someone would kidnap my Larry.
- I won't rest until he's returned to me.
- Not to be impertinent, sir but didn't you want Larry out of your life as recently as two hours ago? It's the principle, Smithers.
Nobody steals from Montgomery Burns whether it be my Sunday newspaper or my loutish oaf of a son.
All right, Mr.
, when the kidnappers call with the ransom demand you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park.
And then down comes the net.
Right, Chief? Hey, I like it.
I like it a lot.
[Birds Twittering.]
Hmm? - Hmm? - [TV, Indistinct.]
What are you doing in the basement? - It's like you're hiding out down here.
- Hiding out? [Raspberry.]
Marge, you've been reading too many "hide out" books.
And what's that hitchhiker doing here? Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us? Of course not.
We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.
He's not a drifter, Mom.
That's Mr.
Burns's son, Larry.
He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles.
Hey! How you doing? Ooh, look at your hair.
What happened? You saw yourself in a mirror? He's kidding, Mom.
But, seriously, I'd love to have hair like yours.
I just can't get the zoning permits.
Hey, that reminds me, Mom.
Buckingham Palace called.
They want their hat back.
- [Groans.]
- Hey, kids, how about a hand for your mom? She's all right.
- Yeah, Mom! - All right, Mom! - Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
- [Ringing.]
- Ahoy, hoy? - Hello, Mr.
This is the kidnapper.
- [Chuckling.]
- Do you miss your son? - Yes, I'm missing one son.
Return it immediately.
If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today.
Whoa! How much proof do you need? Five thousand, six thousand? I swear, that's all I've got.
Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money.
More important than money? Who is this? - Uh- Uh, just a second.
- [Dial Tone.]
Eddie, did you trace the phone number? - Sure did, Chief.
- 555- Oh, geez, that's gotta be phony.
Hey, I think I got a pai gow.
I hate pai gow! Can't we just play "quang jong"? - Can't we just go upstairs? - No! This is Kent Brockman in Chopper Copter 6 with a special report.
Montgomery Burns's son has been kidnapped.
- Kidnapped? - Marge, it's not a real kidnapping.
It's a simple hoax to win a father's love.
- You know how I feel about hoaxes.
- Still? I want you to take Larry back to Mr.
Burns right now - before you get in a lot of trouble.
- What, but, but- Marge, it's broad daylight, and there's cops everywhere.
- No excuses.
Just do it.
- [Groans.]
Of course, we'll bring you updates just as soon as they- Oh, wait a minute! There they are, Larry Burns and his kidnapper.
Appearing in broad daylight with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen there's only one word for that- idiocy.
- [Tires Squealing.]
- [Sirens Wailing.]
We gotta find someplace to hide.
The abandoned warehouse! D'oh! Stupid economic recovery.
[Bell On DoorJingles.]
Hey! Buy a costume or get out, fellas.
We gotta find someplace no one will ever go.
Hello! - [Tires Squealing.]
- [Child.]
Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! [Chuckles.]
They'll never look for us here.
Yeah, this place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.
Some people are trying to watch the movie.
You don't like it, call a cop.
- [Whimpers.]
- [Laughing.]
[Both Laughing.]
[Sirens Wailing.]
This is Kent Brockman live from the Aztec Theater where police have learned that kidnapper Homer Simpson and hostage, Larry Burns, are inside talking loudly.
Ooh, give yourself up, Homie! - No, Dad! Shoot your way out! - [Groans.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Gunfire.]
[All Screaming.]
[Kent Brockman.]
A bloody end for Homer Simpson is just one of several possible outcomes, according to our computer simulation.
Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.
We've gotta go down there and help Dad.
- [Baseballs Thudding.]
- [Homer Groaning.]
Oh, stop it! Shh.
[Feet Sticking To Floor.]
- Still warm.
They can't be far.
- Chief! [Grunts.]
Don't be a fool, Simpson.
Let the kid go.
The negotiations have failed.
Shoot him! [Cocks Gun.]
- Wait! - [All.]
Wait? I mean, Homer's no kidnapper.
Well, he's the best friend I ever had.
We faked the whole thing.
I should've known.
You're the only one stupid enough to kidnap you.
Now, get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble.
- Smithers, take off my belt.
- With pleasure, sir.
Hold on, Mr.
Maybe we did fake a kidnapping.
But is that really such a crime? All your son wanted was a little attention, a little love.
I'm a father myself, sir.
And, sure, sometimes my kids can be obnoxious or boring, or stinky.
But they can always count on one thing- their father's unconditional love.
- [All.]
Mmm! - How about it, Pop? I know it's tough, but can you love me for what I am? [Groans.]
Well- [Mumbles.]
There, there, sonny boy.
I suppose I have been a bit- Oh, no, I can't do it.
It's just not me.
I'm sorry, Larry.
I can't be the family that you need.
Oh, that's okay.
I got a wife and kids.
Oh, that reminds me.
They're probably wondering where I went.
I told them I'm going for coffee.
That was a week ago.
Well, Son, delighted to have met you.
It's good to know that there's another kidney out there for me.
You got it, Pop.
Just let me run a few pints through it first.
- As long as everybody's here, let's party! - [All Cheering.]
## [Pop Rock.]
- Who's playing that music? - And where is all that liquor coming from? It's a party, Marge.
It doesn't have to make sense.
- ## [Continues.]
- Whoo! Oh, yeah! ## [Continues.]
## [Continues.]
## [Continues.]

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