The Simpsons s09e12 Episode Script

Bart Carny

##[Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Ha-ha! [Whining.]
Come on.
You have to go outside to do your business.
The experts say that if you want an animal to do something you should do it yourself first to show 'em how.
I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard.
Sorry, Your Majesty.
Why don't you wanna go out there? Yech.
The kids are supposed to be keeping this yard clean.
- [Rattles, Hisses.]
- [Screams.]
- Aaah! - Oh, Ned, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no problem, Marge.
- [Snake Hisses.]
- Oh! Turn on the TV, Lise.
You turn it on.
I turned it on yesterday.
- Allowance day.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
- You don't deserve an allowance.
- Sure we do.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man! - [Door Closes.]
- That backyard is a disgrace.
Now get busy.
- That's a good suggestion, Mom.
- We'll take it under advisement.
- [Both Groaning.]
- But I can't go out dressed like this.
- What if someone sees me? - You're just going into our backyard.
No one will see you.
- [Nelson.]
Ha- - [Groans.]
Ha! Man, look at all this stuff.
"Pull weeds, mow lawn, scoop and bag dog business.
" There's gotta be a way out of this.
Lisa, chop off my hands.
No! Then who'd chop off my hands? All right, you chop my hands halfway off, then I'll still have enough strength to chop- Get to work! Kids, I made some lemonade for you.
- [Bart.]
Sounds great.
- [Lisa.]
Bring it in here.
What the- - What are you doing inside? - Work was hard, so we quit.
- What? - Hard work made us quit.
I see.
Well, then, no chores, no allowance.
We get our room and board free anyway.
- And Santy Claus provides the rest.
- [Groans.]
- [Gasping.]
- [Lisa.]
The carnival! - We need money, fast.
- [Marge.]
Well, well, well.
Looks like somebody's gonna have to do some yard- It's carnival time! Here's money, kids.
Take what you need.
- Oh, boy! Free money! - All right, free money! Whoa! - [Together.]
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! - [Groans.]
- Ooh! Ooh! I wanna see Lobster Boy and Shrimp Girl! - I want some fried sugar! I wanna go on the Yard Work Simulator! But when I ask you to do yard work- Oh.
Wow, the Tooth Chipper.
Ow! [Cheering, Screaming.]
Ow! - Ooh! Ooh! Me first.
- You can't go on that.
You have a heart condition.
Heart condition? Get out of here.
You had a quadruple bypass.
You nearly died.
Don't you remember? Obviously I don't.
Now if you'll get out of my way- But it doesn't look safe.
And the guy running it looks a little seedy.
- No offense.
- None taken.
He's not just some guy, Marge.
He's a carny, and part of a noble tradition.
Carnies built this country- the carnival part of it anyway.
And though they may be ratlike in appearance they are truly kings among men.
- Okay, let's go, fatty.
- Yes, sir.
[Cheering, Laughing.]
- [All.]
Ow! - [Homer.]
Ow! My heart! [Sighs.]
Fear in the pit of your stomach.
No surgeon can save you.
No bromo can soothe you.
Do you dare enter the Screamatorium of Dr.
Frightmarestein? Only two tickets left.
Two tickets? Whoa, what a break.
[Woman Screaming.]
[Tape Rewinding.]
- [Button Clicks.]
- [Woman Screaming.]
This isn't very scary.
l"vant"your blood.
Um, I think that one's broken.
That was just confusing.
Behold the ravages of age.
- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
- Boo.
Exit to your left.
- [Man.]
And they're off! There they go! - [Children Shouting.]
Why does this always happen when I stand here? What is it about this exact spot? [Sputtering.]
It's happening again! Three rings for a dollar.
Who's ready? Who's ready? [Boy.]
See any pigeons yet, Dad? [Humming.]
- How about you, lucky? - [Gasps.]
Who, me? Hey, saw-top.
Want your dad to win you a TV? Quick, Dad, before somebody else wins it.
Ooh, almost.
Too hard.
Ooh, that was close.
What a scam.
Sorry, Son.
Daddy failed.
Aw, listen, fella.
I got a son of my own.
A novelty comb.
Kings among men.
You're lookir at Adolf Hitler's personal limousine.
It's roomier than Bonnie and Clyde's death car and was the first automobile to come with Fahrvergnügen.
- Ooh.
- Wow, it's "Euro-rific.
" There are some who say Hitler's skeleton is in the trunk.
Others say just a spare tire.
I'm a busy man, so I haven't checked yet.
One of these must activate the flamethrower.
- Uh-oh.
- [Gasping.]
- Bart! - What in the name of high school football? - [Screaming.]
- [Horn Honking.]
Out of my way! I'm Hitler! Oh! Oh! Man, that hurts! Oh, I can't stand it! - [Screaming.]
- You are - in grave danger! - Aaah! [Screaming.]
You wrecked Hitler's car.
What did he ever do to you? [Groans.]
Why, you just damaged the main attraction of my carnival, son.
Hey, I thought I was your main attraction.
Oh, you are, Humphrey, you are.
Hey, he's getting away.
Not so fast, partner.
You owe me some money.
Hey, come on.
He doesn't have any money.
Look at his clothes.
Well, I still can't let him off the hook.
You're gonna work off your debt right here.
At the carnival? Cool.
Hey, that's not fair.
I wanna be a carny too.
- Can I, mister? Huh? Can I? Please? - I don't know.
You gonna get drunk and start a lot of trouble? Sure, anything you want.
All right.
See you tomorrow, 6:00 a.
And you're gonna work like you've never worked before.
- [Together.]
Whoo-hoo! - We just saw the most amazing camel.
It was wearing a hat.
- [Squeaking.]
- [Laughing.]
Son, if you don't finish your cotton candy - you won't get your snow cone.
- Aw, heck.
Hey, you lost your money fair and square.
I didn't scam nobody.
Put down your stick.
We're here to work.
Starting today, we're carnies, just like you.
Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you.
Have a seat.
Spud, throw a couple more apples in the caramel.
- Ugh.
- Oh, don't worry.
That's just to scare off thieves.
Yeah, he's telling the truth.
Thanks for the food, mister.
Name's Cooder.
This my boy, Spud.
And there's no need to thank us.
We carnival folks look out for each other.
That's the carny code.
Did you hear that, Bart? The carny code.
- Bart, did you hear that? - Yes.
- Ah, there you are.
You two ready to work? - Yes, sir! So what's our first job, huh? Test the roller coaster? - Fry up some cheese? - Hose down the freaks? l- Um- Somethir like that, yeah.
Oh, this isn't fun.
Maybe if you didn't go to the bathroom so much, you wouldn't be so small.
Please, folks, hold your fire.
The water level is dangerously low.
- [Man Grunts.]
- Ow! [Groans.]
Oh! Ow, my leg! All right.
Now, this geek bit is pretty straightforward.
You just bite the heads off the chickens, take a bow.
- [Squawks.]
- Go on.
Give it a try.
Remember, big smiles.
- Uh, Bart? - Yeah, Dad? - Do I like chicken? - Does it matter? I guess not.
Hey, boss, uh, me and Spud gotta duck out for our A.
We need someone to cover for us.
Simpson, you and your boy'll be taking over the ringtoss.
Dad, we're saved! Mmm.
Buddy - you're the luckiest chicken in the world.
- [Squawking.]
You see, the trick here is the rings won't fit over the good prizes.
Well, we'll see about that.
Give me 10 rings.
Uh, so anyway, uh the main thing is to bring in the rubes.
Do whatever it takes- Sweet talk, insults slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.
- Like "rubes"? - Now you're on the trolley.
Well, we gotta get.
Here's the money box.
Any questions? Uh, yes.
How do we handle refunds? Uh, I'm gonna give this to you.
- Good move.
- Give me 10 rings.
Lookee, lookee.
Hey, hey.
Wocka, wocka.
I got rings and you want 'em.
Win a genuine Ronex watch just like a real movie star.
Hey, there's a sucker.
Aw, come on, Dad.
Get on the trolley.
Hey, hot pockets.
Win something for your girlfriend? - [Laughing.]
- Oh! Well.
Seymour, I want that lamp.
Win that lamp for me, Seymour.
All right, Simpson, be honest with me.
Is it actually possible to win this game? - If I like you, it is.
- Hot dog! Let's go! [Mother.]
No, throw it over the peg! - Well, that's no good.
- Oh! - Oh, no.
Are you blind? - I'm trying, Mother.
It's hard.
You're failing, Seymour.
What is it about you and failure? [Grunting.]
We're natural-born carnies, Dad.
If only we werert tied down with a family.
Yeah, we could start our own game where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems.
Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun, boys but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
And how.
Gee, I'd hate to close you down.
Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here.
I understand.
Um, hey, Dad, l- I think he wants- Not right now, Son.
Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Uh, let me put it this way.
I'm looking for my friend Bill.
Have you seen any Bills around here? No.
He's Bart.
l- Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? - Okay.
- The guy I'm really looking for-wink- is Mr.
Bribe-wink, wink.
It's a ringtoss game.
All right, that's it.
I'm shutting this game down.
[Siren Wailing.]
Well, ain't that somethir.
Our game! Our home! What happened here? - Cops took it.
- What? Why didn't you bribe 'em? I was trying to, but the opportunity never came up.
Oh, good Lord.
Our whole life was in that trailer.
- [Squeals.]
- What are we gonna do now? Can't you stay in the Whack-A-Mole game? [Spud.]
Fantastic Dan lives there.
Did you call me, Spud? [Groans.]
Look at 'em, Bart.
If a carny can wind up homeless, it can happen to anyone.
- I'm going for a corn dog.
You want one? - Yes.
But first, there's a little matter of the carny code.
Cooder, Spud, get off that hog.
You're coming to stay at our house.
- [Shudders.]
- Why did you shudder just now, Mom? I don't know.
You certainly have a nice house here, ma'am.
It must have taken you years to win all this stuff.
Let me get you a coaster for those feet.
- Huh? - Hey, check this out.
I can uninge all my joints at once.
- [Bones Cracking.]
- [Groaning.]
- Doing anything tonight, blue eyes? - Ew.
How long are those roustabouts going to be staying here? Oh, it won't be long.
Once their résumé gets out, they'll have all kinds of offers.
The older one can pull out his left eye.
- Aaah! - [Cooder.]
A little help? Here's a little trick my grandmother taught me.
- Oh! - [Laughing, Applause.]
- [Homer Gasps.]
- [Bart.]
- [Homer.]
- [Laughing.]
Can you do that again? Uh, not for a little while.
So, Mr.
Cooder, how long have you been in the traveling amusement industry? Oh, hell, the Cooders have been carnies ever since we came here in 1620 clinging to the side of the Mayflower.
Thanks for dinner, Mom.
I love you.
Aw, aren't you sweet? Hey, my pearls.
- Spud taught me that.
- Good one, Spud.
Well, sure is awful kind of you to take us into your beautiful home here.
Just wish we had some way to repay you.
Good thinkir, Spudford.
Uh, you folks ever been on a glass-bottom boat ride? 'Cause we just happen to have some tickets.
Ooh, what a nice surprise.
This is so generous of you, Cooder.
- Now who's the filthy sleazebag, huh, Marge? - [Chuckles.]
The undersea world certainly is full of wonders.
- Ooh.
Look at that.
- Ooh.
[Chattering, Laughing.]
That's our sister ship, the Athena.
It went down with 88 souls just last week.
- [Shutters Clicking.]
- I wonder how that happened.
- Hey, come on, sharky! - Yeah, you want a piece of this? - You call yourself the king of the jungle.
- [Cracking.]
That was fun.
I wish we had a glass-bottom car.
I can't help but wonder what we're missing.
I was wrong about the Cooders, Dad.
They're the nicest of all the transients you've ever brought home.
[All Agreeing.]
That's weird.
The key doesn't fit.
Hey, someone's boarded up our windows.
Check this out! - What's going on? - Cooder! What have you done to our house? It's ours now.
Tell us where the extra sheets are and get off our property.
They're squatting in our house.
You can't do this to me.
What about the carny code? [Cooder, Spud Laughing.]
[Laughing Continues.]
[Mail Slot Closes.]
Carnies took over our house.
You've gotta help us! Well, well, look who's here.
Sure, we'll help you.
Just sit down and wait for Detective Like-l-Give-A-Damn.
Thank you so much.
- Dad.
- Honey, Daddy's waiting for the detective.
I found some food for breakfast.
I hope everyone likes the red things that grow on this tree.
Bart, you're brushing your teeth with my twig.
So? I let you use my leaves.
- [Cooder.]
That Urkel's a hoot.
- Listen to 'em.
- [Chattering, Laughing.]
- Watching my television, sitting on my couch.
- You'd better not be in my ass groove! - Homer! It took me years to forge that groove.
- ##[Saxophone.]
- [Groans.]
One of them's playing my saxophone.
- ##[Continues.]
- Oh, no.
The spit valve! Release the spit valve! Over the sink! Over the sink! Hey, look at me.
I'm a millionaire.
Wow, Dad! You look likeJames Bond.
Hey, it's getting cold in here.
Throw another one of them photo albums on the fire.
Which one? "Precious Moments" or "Treasured Memories"? Quit yer yappir.
I'm freezir.
- [Birds Twittering.]
- [Homer.]
Good morning, everybody.
- [Screams.]
- [Gasping.]
Homer! Stupid gravity.
We can't just give up our home.
There's gotta be a way to get those guys out of there.
I say we set fire to the house.
Kill 'em that way.
We don't wanna kill them, Bart.
We just want our home back.
- Well, if we did set fire to the house- - No fires! - I've got it! - No fires! - Oh.
- There must be a way to outsmart them.
Ah, you can't outsmart carnival folk.
They're the cleverest folk in the world.
Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games.
That's it.
Fire! Or- - Cooder residence.
- I got a proposition for you, Cooder.
- Yeah, I'm listenir.
- One game of ringtoss.
If I can throw this hula hoop onto the chimney, you'll give us our house back.
If I miss, I'll sign the deed over to you.
- Homer, no! - Oh, you'll never make it, Dad.
- So, we'd own the house legit? - That's right.
Oh, I can't watch.
- Mmm.
- [Bones Cracking.]
- Oh.
- [Groans.]
Now! What the- [All Laughing.]
Hey, they just ran into the house.
That Homer fella grifted you good, Dad.
Well, there's no shame in beir beaten by the best.
- But he didn't seem all that- - We were beaten by the best, boy.
I'm so proud of you, Homer.
You got our house back.
- Mmm.
- Way to go, Dad.
You actually outwitted someone.
Ah, I guess your old man is smarter than you thought.
Ah, look at 'em standing out there, no place to go.
Poor guys.
Hey, what if we let 'em stay here for just a few days? Mom, get him away from the window.
- Homer.
- My groove! Aw, they mushed it all out of shape.
All right.
Better put on a pot of coffee, Marge.
This could take a while.
- [Grunts.]
##[Man Singing.]
- [Grunting.]
[Grunting Continues.]
- ##[Continues.]
- Come on now.
Just a little more.
A little more to the left.
Favor the left here.
What did he do to this thing? Almost.
[Grunts, Sighs.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!
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