The Simpsons s09e15 Episode Script

The Last Temptation of Krusty

##[Chorus Singing.]
[Bell Ringing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Oh, look.
This is a perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes.
[Both Groaning.]
What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Well, maybe if he had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him.
Look, Homer! There's that bird you like to argue with.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Professor Know-it-all.
Excuse me, Marge.
They need a good, stiff, all-purpose dress shoe.
Something for church but also for doctor's appointments, dental checkups piano recitals, building dedications visiting elderly relatives, haircuts and shoe shopping.
Well, we have a brown shoe.
Did you hear that, kids? Brown.
Oh, rats.
Talk about bad luck.
I forgot to wear socks today.
Guess I can't try those on.
Yeah, no problem.
You can wear the store sock.
Would you mind lacing 'em up, kid? I have a bad back.
Hey, if you didn't want to tie shoes, you shouldn't have become a shoe salesman.
- [Sighs.]
- [Cracking.]
That's where you're wrong, pal.
It's not enough to want a cracker.
You have to earn it.
Mom, these are at least two sizes too big.
- Perfect, you'll grow into them.
- When? Oh, you're both way overdue for a spurt.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Do you like to laugh? [Laughing.]
Oh, yes.
As long as it's tasteful.
And never at someone, or with, and not- - Excuse me, sir.
Do you like to laugh? - Why, yes.
Yes, I do.
Well, then you'll love our comedy festival.
It's for a good cause.
- A rest home for pirates? - No, Dad.
It's to fight soil erosion.
Now, that's a fight I wanna be a part of.
Hey, somebody screwed up bad.
You've got all these big comics lined up for your show, but there's no Krusty.
- Who? - Krusty the Clown.
Funniest man alive, prince of pies - the sultan of seltzer? - Excuse me, sir.
Do you like to laugh? Well, only if something tickles me just right.
[Continues Laughing.]
[Continues Laughing.]
Yeah, excuse me.
I'm looking for someone named "Jay Leno.
" - Somebody wanna get this kid a TV? - Whoa, gee, thanks, mister.
- Yeah, just joking.
l-I'm Jay Leno.
- Oh.
- So what can I do for you, huh? - Well, if you're running the show how could you leave out Krusty the Clown? Ah, Krusty the Clown? That takes me back.
- Didrt he die in a grease fire? - No, he's alive.
And he is so funny you could plotz.
At least according to his press release.
Well, if he's half as alive as you say he is, he's in.
Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takir a "schwitz.
" Hey, hey, happy birthday! [Chuckles.]
Now get him out of here.
- He seems reluctant.
- Tell him it will count towards his community service.
All right, I'll do it.
Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payir for it the rest of your life.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary.
It turns out the zebra did it.
- I don't get it.
- Dad, the zebra didn't do it.
- It's just a word at the end of the dictionary.
- I still don't get it.
- It's just a joke.
- Oh, I get it! I get jokes.
Hey, hey, it's Krusty the Clown.
Hey, hey! Uh- [Chuckles.]
It's you, right? And this guy, uh, with all the jokes he does.
You're the reason I went into comedy.
If it werert for you, I'd be a doctor.
Yeah, yeah, right.
I got my period today.
Oh, good Lord.
Plus, I got this new boyfriend.
You know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.
Yes! Yeah! Oh, God, yes.
Yes! Yeah! Oh, God, yes.
It's time for something special.
The man Spencer Tracy called "the most promising newcomer of 1959.
" Please put your hands together for Krusty the Clown.
- [Applause.]
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah, Krusty! Hey, hey.
[Goofy Laugh.]
So how about those TV dinners, huh? I tried one the other day.
When lightning strikes, the peach cobbler goes out.
[Bart Laughing.]
The other thing about TV dinners you don't have leftovers, you have reruns.
[Feedback On R.
TV dinner jokes? Ooh! - Take that, Swansors.
- [Chuckling.]
Didrt like that one, huh? Well- "Me so sorry.
Ah, so.
" [Groans.]
What's he gonna do next, the flapping dickey? [Booing.]
Uh-oh, I'm losir 'em.
Time for the "A" material.
Hey, hey! "Ah, so.
Ah, so.
Me like the fried rice.
Me flap dickey long time.
" [Chuckles.]
Hey, Krusty, great set.
Are you kidding? I stunk up the joint.
No, no.
I was talking to Lisa back there.
We both agreed.
You killed.
Really? Lisa, huh? Sure, there were a lot of laughs.
You probably couldn't hear them.
The acoustics were so bad.
Yeah, the acoustics.
That's what it was.
- I mean, "Me so sorry.
" [Laughing.]
- [Laughing.]
Yeah, I was great.
Did you get a load of"Corpsey" the Clown? [Scoffs.]
That guy cheapens our whole profession.
- What do you think of him, Internet Comic? - [Beeping.]
Guys, keep it down.
- Five minutes, Krusty.
- Oh, I ain't going back out there.
No, five minutes to get your stuff and get out.
Where is that stinkir monkey? It's about time.
Give me those reviews.
"Last night's comedy benefit delivered wall-to-wall laughs without exception.
" Phew.
"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor of Springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack-" Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Krusty the Clown.
" No! They say any publicity is good publicity.
You, sir, are an idiot.
- [Chittering.]
- Aw, that's your answer to everything! Look at my life.
I'm talking to a monkey and a- I don't know what the hell you are.
You can be so cruel when you're sober.
Well, I'll fix that.
I'm goir on the bender to end all benders.
[Disco On TV.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
What did he say, Lisa? What did he say? He said there's no shame in their forbidden love.
Oh, Diego's not gonna like that.
[Speaking Spanish.]
Take me here, under the disco ball.
Beep, beep.
Clear the couch.
It's Krusty time.
And now, here's Krusty.
Hey, hey.
I'm Kent Brockman the clown filling in for Krusty the Clown who didn't come in today.
He is presumed dead or on vacation.
Today's top joke: It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window.
We'll tell you why right after this.
Oh, this sucks.
I am out of here.
[Krusty Groaning.]
Wow, a clown.
Do you think he's evil? [Sniffing.]
He smells evil.
Should we tell Daddy? No, let's poke him a little while longer.
Hey, get away from him, you little freaks.
- [Screaming.]
- [Groaning.]
- [Grunting.]
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, it hurts to talk.
We'll have to work out a system of blinks.
Not you, you imbecile.
Oh, P.
, what were you drinking, gasoline? Yes, I was drinking gasoline, Mother.
- Uh, Krusty.
- Hang on, kid.
I got a tack in my head.
That's one of your posters.
I got all the Krusty stuff.
Man, look at all the crap with my face on it.
"Krusty's Personal Swabs"? What was I thinking? All these years, I should've been working on my act but I was too busy selling out.
Now I'm just a tired old hack.
Ah, that burns! What the hell is on those things? - Here.
Quick, use my Krusty Eye Wash.
- No, not on your life.
Thanks for coming, Jay.
Krusty really needs help.
Oh, no question.
I gotta freshen up my act.
Jay, you're a professional comedian, right? Right? - Answer me! - Yes! Now stop squirming.
I'm trying to get these tangles out.
They are just impossible.
Well, they are.
Anyway, don't you have some advice for Krusty? Well, these days, people like observational humor about things they deal with in everyday life.
Oh, yeah.
You mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters and they're still covered with schmutz? Well, kind of, but more universal.
And maybe lose the "me so sorry" bit.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Let's not tamper with a classic.
Shut up, kid.
Come on, Leno.
Tamper, teach, impart.
- Dad! - Whoops! Sorry, Son.
I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown.
Well, they are, so make with the loofah or get out.
- [Applause.]
- And then of course, there's Mom who sounds something like this.
[Clears Throat.]
"Eat your vegetables.
Take a sweater.
I don't think that's a good idea.
" - [Laughing.]
- [Laughing.]
Take that, Marge.
- [Grunts.]
- Thank you, thank you.
And now, the all-new comedy stylings of Krusty the Clown! [Cheers.]
Oh, Krusty! Wait.
Where's my water? Oh, there it is.
All right.
I'm a real person.
And as a real person, I've made some humorous observations about real life.
For example, have you ever noticed how there are two phone books a white one and a yellow one? [Chuckles.]
Like, what's the deal with that? One's residential, the other is business.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
What will they think of next, blue pages? They have those.
They're government listings.
I see.
Uh, what about two-cent stamps? Pizza pie is very hot these days.
Can't open pickle jars.
No mail on Sunday.
Out of paper towels.
- Oh, oh, oh.
What's the deal with cardboard? - Boo! All right, let's just move on to Notebook 2.
- I've really gotta get dinner started.
- Me too.
I also have to go.
Boo! [Groans.]
- Krusty, the acoustics in here- - I appreciate the effort, kid.
But there's only one thing left for me to do.
Thank you for coming.
[Clears Throat.]
"Smart lads who slip at times away "From fields where glory will not stay "Runners whom the race outran And the name died before the man.
" - Krusty, does this have a point? - Yes.
I'm quitting show business.
I was just trying to go out with a little class, you jackass.
But, Krusty, why now? Why not 20 years ago? 'Cause comedy ain't funny anymore.
Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills you got some big-chin schlub reading typos from the Ralookaville Rost.
Well, here's a headline for you: Nobody cares.
Hey, I washed your hair.
These comics today.
"Ooh, look at me.
I can't set my V.
"I can't open a bag of airline peanuts.
I'm a freakir moron.
" [Laughing.]
Krusty's gone nuts.
Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff that would embarrass Redd Foxx- God rest his smutty soul.
Who they slept with.
What time they sit on the can.
- This is supposed to get you a husband? - [Laughing.]
What the hell are you laughir at? I'm just tellir the truth.
- [Laughing.]
And it's funny.
- It is? In that case, I'm proud to announce my triumphant return to comedy.
- "Four drink minimum"? - I'll cover you, honey.
Hi, how you folks doing? I'm Moe.
Or, as the ladies like to call me, "Hey, you, behind the bushes.
" - Is this thing on? - No.
Sorry, Moe.
- [Feedback On R.
- And now, without further Apu.
I have been zinged and I love it.
The last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice ladies and gentlemen, Krusty.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'm watchir TV today- Whoo! TV, yeah! All I keep seeir is dead celebrities hawkir products.
The got poor Vincent Price floatir around on a toilet cake tellir me about "the horrors of an 'unfresh' bowl.
" [Laughing.]
And I tell you somethir else, I do not believe Winston Churchill would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel.
There's nothir those Madison Avenue grave robbers won't do - to get us to buy their crap.
- [Cheering.]
Impeach Churchill! Well, here's one dollar those crooks aren't gonna get their hands on.
- [Gasping.]
- Uh, isn't that illegal? I don't care if it is illegal.
I'm makir a stand here.
Who's with me? I am! I worked like a dog for this.
- [Man #1.]
Yeah! - [Man #2.]
Me too.
Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour.
It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want.
Take that, you greedy fat cats.
- Marge, give me your purse.
- Here's $42.
That's everything I have.
- Run home and bury it in the yard.
- I love you, Mom.
[Cheering, Clamoring.]
Wow, they're hanging on his every word.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I hope so.
I thought I made myself clear in Boston.
From now on I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is.
Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs.
- Dad! - You too, Bart.
Oh, knock it off, Homer.
You're the fattest one in the car.
You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.
I'm proud of you, Krusty.
Oh, sure, I've got material success my own show, acres of cars, a nice microwave oven.
But you're out there on the edge.
You're doir it for the sheer thrill.
And if I wasrt so afraid of clowns, I'd give you a big hug.
Hey, excuse me, Krusty.
We've been watching you at Moe's all week.
And your credibility is just-Wow.
- Get to the point, Armani.
- Well, we think you'd be the perfect spokesman for our company's new sports utility vehicle, the Canyonero.
I guess you Wall Street weasels didn't get the word.
Krusty's not for sale.
But you endorse everything.
In fact, this endorsement contract comes from your line of legal forms.
It's a quality form.
But those days are behind me.
I don't shill for nobody no more.
Are you sure? 'Cause we're prepared to offer you a free, fully-loaded Canyonero.
Oh, well.
No! Take your corporate blood wagon and get the hell out.
Are you sure? It's free.
Stop saying that! [Cheering.]
I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again.
I hope he tells us to burn our pants.
These things are driving me nuts.
So this afternoon, two suits come up to me and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle.
- What did you do? - [Gasping.]
- Don't you hate pants? - I threw those two creeps out on their ass.
Then they followed me home, beggir me to take a test drive.
And let me tell you, talk about roomy.
The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car with the rugged drivability of a sturdy 4x4.
- [Murmuring.]
- Hey, Krusty, what are you talking about? I thought you said those guys were creeps.
Yeah, but that was before I got to know 'em.
And I'm tellir you, the Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles.
That's Canyonero.
Wait! Where you going? I still got plenty of beefs.
Fat-free yogurt.
The-The quality of computer porn.
- [Groans.]
- I knew I should've gone on first.
I don't get it, Krusty.
You said you would never be a shill again.
I learned something about myself tonight, kid.
It ain't comedy that's in my blood.
It's selling out.
Come on, I'll give you a ride home.
This is roomy.
##[Man Singing.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Whip Cracks.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Whip Cracks.]
##[Singing Continues.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Man.]
Hyah! [Whip Cracks.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Whip Cracks.]
- Hey, hey! - [Announcer.]
The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Whip Cracks.]
##[Man Singing.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Whip Cracks.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Whip Cracks.]
##[Singing Continues.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Whip Cracks.]
- ##[Singing Continues.]
- [Man.]
Hyah! [Whip Cracks.]
##[Singing Continues.]
- [Man.]
Hyah! - [Whip Cracks.]
##[Singing Continues.]
- Hyah! - [Whip Cracks.]
- Canyonero! - Hyah! - [Whip Cracks.]
- Whoa, Canyonero! - [Whip Cracks.]
- Whoa! - [Murmuring.]
- Shh!
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