The Simpsons s09e22 Episode Script

Trash of the Titans

##[Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Hmm? Gentlemen, I'm pleased to report strong holiday sales from the Christmas-Hanu-Kwanzaa spend phase.
And things look good for the Mom-Dad-Grad gift corridor.
Uh, then we'll have the usual summer lull.
But, hey, we're making enough money, right? [Chuckles.]
[Man Coughs.]
Um- [Grunts.]
Hey, hey, hey- Okay, people.
We need to cook up a new holiday for the summer.
Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables.
How about something religious? We had great penetration last spring with Christmas II.
I know.
Like Passover, but less talk, more presents.
- [All Talking.]
- Product Day? No, no, no! No.
It's got to be warm and fuzzy- something like, um, Love Day but not so lame.
Happy Love Day, everyone! Come on, Mom.
The stores just invented this holiday to make money.
Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.
- For you, Homie.
- [Sputters.]
[Mechanical Voice.]
I'm Sir Loves-A-Lot the bear who loves to love.
They didn't have Lord Huggington? It's the same basic bear, Homie.
I guess.
What the hell is this? [Marge.]
It's a Kisses-Make-Me-Boogie-O'-Lantern.
Kiss it and make it boogie.
- Kiss it.
- Uh, maybe later.
- [Sniffs, Slurps.]
- ## [Festive.]
Oh! Oh, yeah! [Laughs.]
Well, we better start our Love Day cleanup.
You kids take care of the wrapping paper.
I'm going to dismantle Love Land.
What a terrible waste.
Yes, but the memories will last a lifetime.
Get- Crap- It's full, Dad.
That means you have to take out the trash.
That's the rule.
He who tops it off drops it off.
It isn't filled until it's spilled.
I wuv you.
- [Grunts.]
- I wuv- Love you- [Whistling.]
Ooh! [Smacking Lips.]
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- [Gasps.]
D'oh! - [Marge.]
I heard that! - You know the rule! - Oh! But I can rebuild! [Grunting.]
Stupid trash.
Hate world.
Revenge soon.
Take out on everyone.
Garbage water! Oh! You're pushir me, baby! Hey! Wait! Stop! I have garbage! [Panting, Groaning.]
You guys are the lousiest garbagemen ever! Yeah, I'm talkir to you! - You trash-eatir stink bags! - [Tires Screech.]
- Uh-oh.
- [Reverse Lights Beeping.]
- What did you call us? - I don't know.
A lot of people were yelling stuff.
Yeah, you called us "trash-eating stink bags.
" - Didrt you learn anything from Love Day? - That was yesterday, moron.
Good news, everyone.
I got in a fight with the garbagemen and they're cutting off our service.
Oh, Lord.
Now what are we going to do, just let the trash pile up? Hey, I'd rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbagemen.
Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology? I never apologize, Lisa.
I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
[All Chewing.]
Sit down, honey.
The men will clear the table.
- So long, chicken bone.
- See you in hell, brussels sprouts.
No room for you, Jell-O.
- Good-bye, fine china.
- Bart! [Muttering.]
Easy, Ned.
Don't breathe in.
- Ow! - Sorry, Ned.
I didn't see you down there! - Got him.
- Uh, listen, Homer.
Uh, hate to be a fussy Freddy and all but Maude's folks are here, and, uh, they're a tad touchy about odors.
Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill.
Look, Daddy.
I'm the king of the mountain! [Ned.]
Rod, get off of there! Three, two, one.
Go, go, go! - Ah.
The rats seem happy.
- [Squeaking Continues.]
- [Chewing.]
- Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile - attacked me again.
- That's not the way she tells it.
And the school nurse says Bart has the plague.
It's like the measles.
Good to get it out of the way.
Homer, this has gone far enough.
Will you please just apologize to the garbagemen? Yeah, Dad.
You're always telling me and Bart to apologize.
Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do.
Anyway, I think those garbagemen are starting to crack.
- I think you're starting to crack.
- Apologize for that remark! - No way.
- Attaboy! [Yawns.]
Good morning, trash pile.
How's- Hey! Whoo-hoo! I won! This is a very, very proud day for us- especially me.
Your father- me- beat city hall.
It's just like David and Goliath, only this time David won.
I know.
I heard it too.
- Here's some music.
- ##[Classical.]
And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge.
Well, this man doesn't crawl.
He stands tall.
That rhymes, Marge, and you know it rhymes.
Admit it! Oh, Homer, you didn't beat city hall.
They picked up our trash because I wrote a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name- period.
You signed my name? - I feel so violated! - You've signed my name lots of times.
But this isn't like a loan application or a will! You signed away my dignity.
And I'm going to get it back.
Lisa, do I have my pants on? - Yes.
- Perfect.
Here's your apology back, Mr.
Simpson, and I'm sorry we couldn't work this out.
Don't come off all high and mighty with me, Patterson.
You can't scare me with your office and your desk and your lamp.
I'm not trying to scare you.
I'm trying to get my work done.
Oh, oh, oh, I get it.
Put on a big show for the cameras.
What cameras? Why are you still here? I came to fight city hall.
I want to shake things up, Patterson.
Stir up some controversy.
Rattle a few cages.
- [Bird Chirping.]
- Hey, stop that! You'll never silence me! I'm the last angry man, Patterson- - a crusader for the little guy! - [Chirping.]
- Leave the bird alone! - Never! Look, Simpson.
I've been elected by the voters of this city so they must think I'm doing a damn good job.
- You want to know what I think? - No.
Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent.
Well, we'll see about that! - [Sputtering.]
- Hey! - No cuts.
- Hey! I want to register to run for sanitation commissioner.
And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town! Okay.
But this is where you register as a sex offender.
But this is where you register as a sex offender.
Ah, geez, there's always a line.
Hey, everybody, vote for my dad- Homer Simpson.
If you don't, he'll beat us.
Why, you little- No one's gonna beat you, Son.
You're gonna get such a beating.
Hey, vote Simpson.
Nice to see you.
Hey, thanks for coming out.
Putting on weight, huh? - Lenny, my man- - So, Homer if we vote for you, what are you gonna do different? What am I, the answer man? Just vote for me.
You know, I don't know Ray Patterson, but he's no Ray Patterson.
Homer's a great nuclear safety inspector but I don't know if I'd trust him with my garbage.
Yeah, it's a peace of mind issue, you know? These old geezers just don't get it.
It's time to rock the vote.
Sit down! Sit down! You're ruining it for everyone! [Whistling.]
- ##[Rock Continues.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can I help you? [Irish Accent.]
Potato man.
Where the hell have you been? [Humming.]
Camera two.
Uh, excuse me.
This is a restricted area.
Take a hike, Kojak! - [Screams.]
- [Crashing.]
- ## [Ends.]
- Hello, Springfield! It's me- Homer! - [Booing.]
- What the bloody hell? Quiet, you.
I know you youngsters want to see these rockir rockers but I also know you care about the race for sanitation commissioner.
So let me give you the 911.
- [Man.]
Get off the stage! - Hold on, people.
The mars talking about waste management.
That affects the whole damn planet.
Oh, here we go.
What do you say we slip out to Moe's for a pint? Can I come? - No.
- Wankers.
Now, Homer, I hear Ray Patterson is a fine public servant.
Why should the people of Springfield- - [Cheering.]
- Springfield! - Springfield! - Why should they vote for you? That's a good question, Bono.
'Cause I'd be the most wack tripped-out sanitation commissioner ever! - Can you dig it? - [Crickets Chirping.]
Uh- [Crowd Booing.]
Look at him go.
You're the real Lord of the Dance, Homer.
Oh! Oh! Bono, help me! Don't worry, folks.
He'll get the help he needs.
My campaign is a disaster, Moe.
My campaign is a disaster, Moe.
I hate the public so much.
If only they'd elect me, I'd make 'em pay.
Oh, Moe, how do I make 'em like me? Uh, gee, you're kind of all over the place there, Homer.
You need to focus here.
You got to think hard and come up with a slogan that appeals to all the lazy slobs out there.
Can't someone else do it? "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.
- It is? - Yeah.
Now get out there and spread that message to the people.
- Whoo-hoo! - Whoa, hey.
You didn't pay for the beer.
Can't someone else do it? - Ah- [Laughing.]
Very good.
- [Laughing.]
- [Gun Cocks.]
- [Clears Throat.]
Seriously, give me the money.
Fellow citizens how would you rate the trash service in this town? I would deem it excellent.
Uh, okay.
It's excellent.
But aren't you tired of waking up early and dragging the garbage to the curb? - [Murmuring.]
- That's so annoying in the morning.
Arert you tired of having to peel that last snotty Kleenex - from the bottom of your wastebasket? - I'll say.
Well, then- Can't someone else do it? - [Woman.]
Yeah! - Yeah! And can't someone else scoop out that nasty kitty litter? - Yeah! - [All Shouting In Agreement.]
Well, Ray Patterson thinks you should do it.
Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up.
Did we lose a war? That's not America.
That's not even Mexico! - [Crowd Shouting.]
- Don't you deserve better than the best? - [Crowd.]
Yeah! - Who should handle all your dirty jobs? Someone else! Someone else! Someone else! I'm sorry my opponent didn't think enough of you to show up for this debate.
I'm sure he had more important things to do.
- [Gulping.]
- [Laughing.]
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Somebody tampered with my brakes.
- [All Gasp.]
- Well, then you should have been early.
- [Laughing.]
- He got you there, Ray.
Oh, come on, people.
This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup.
That's impossible.
This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup.
That's impossible.
Not if we hire more men.
And my men will do all your messy jobs.
They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.
- [Crowd Laughing.]
- Pops? I'm only two years older than you.
Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button? What button? What the hell are you talking about? What-What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth? [Laughing.]
All right.
If you want an experienced public servant, vote for me.
But if you want to believe a bunch of crazy promises about garbagemen cleaning your gutters and waxing your car then by all means vote for this sleazy lunatic.
- Whoo-hoo! - Arert you gonna buy it, Dad? Fifty cents? [Scoffs.]
Not likely.
Hey, Ray.
Cleaning out the old office, eh? If I hadrt already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, Ray.
Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship? Friendship? You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house.
That was just a lie.
Simpson, the American people have never tolerated incompetence in their public officials.
You are going to crash and burn my fatheaded friend.
See? We're still friends.
Come on.
Give us a cuddle.
Jean-Raul, how are the new uniforms? Do they match the suede boots? Beautiful.
Did you get the new trucks? Are they amphibious? Well, there's only one way to find out.
We can always buy more.
Wow, Dad.
You're really working hard.
Yes, I gotta work hard, honey.
Daddy made a lot of"crazy promises.
" I'm really proud of you, Homie but can the garbageman really do all the things you said? Oh, the garbageman can, Marge.
The garbageman can.
[Singing Continues.]
##[Singing Continues.]
[Singing Continues.]
[Singing Continues.]
[Singing Continues.]
[Singing Continues.]
[Singing Continues.]
[Singing Ends.]
- [Humming.]
- Simpson, you idiot! You spent your entire year's budget in a month! Your department's broke! [Gasps.]
Oh, no! Wait! I think I've got the perfect solution.
You better, because those garbagemen - won't work for free.
- D'oh! Oh, Ratterson was right.
I'm crashing and burning! Crashing and burning! How could you spend $4.
6 million in a month? They let me sign checks with a stamp, Marge.
A stamp! You know, Dad, there's a lesson in all this.
Many cities have problems with garbage disposal, and it's time you realize you can't- Wait! Shut up! I just thought of something.
- [Vehicle Engine Starts.]
- [Tires Screeching.]
Morning, boys.
- Where's our paychecks, you bum? - [Men Grumbling.]
My men ain't workir another minute till we get paid.
- Will cash be okay? - Will it? Did I hear a, uh, briefcase opening? Okay, before I show you - who wants to guess how I got the money? - Dealing drugs? - Drugs? - I'll have to say drugs too.
Close, but you're way off.
Look at that beautiful garbage.
Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.
- That's awful! I almost wish it were drugs.
- Some of it is.
Good God, Homer.
You're turning our wonderful little town into America's trash hole.
Marge! lxnay on the ash holetray.
But, Dad, you can't cram garbage under Springfield forever.
Sure, I can, honey kitten.
[Birds Chirping.]
I don't know how you did it, Homer but you certainly solved that budget crisis.
[Liquid Gurgles.]
What the hell is that? Uh, nothing.
Now, uh, you were saying how great I was.
[Liquid Gurgles.]
What's this? Melon rinds, panty hose a term paper from Texas Tech? Simpson, do you know anything about- Dear Lord, please take Mr.
Bunny up to heaven.
- [Ground Rumbling.]
- [All Scream.]
[Rumbling Continues.]
Hey, Brandine, I think I done busted my stink bone.
- [Rumbling Continues.]
- [Gasping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
- [Crowd.]
- And all those opposed to horsewhipping Homer Simpson? - Nay.
- And now, all in favor of reinstating Ray Patterson? Yea! [Jazz.]
Oh, gosh.
You know I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made.
You're screwed.
Thank you.
He's right.
He ain't much on speeches.
Now, people, we are far from screwed.
- [Ground Rumbling.]
- Aaah! - [Sputtering.]
- [Crowd Gasps.]
Time for panic has come.
We must move forward and turn to the towrs all-purpose contingency plan.
- You mean Plan "B"? - Yes.
" - [Crunching.]
- I can't believe it's come to this.
Come to what? Moving the whole town five miles down the road.
It's crazy! - Yeah, it's something, all right.
- So we transplant the town.
We're just gonna trash the new Springfield too.
Yeah, but what are you gonna do? If you need me, I'll be at Moe's.
- [Grunts.]
Hi, Moe.
- [Moe.]
Hey, Homer.
Do yourself a favor.
Don't turn around.
- [Flies Buzzing.]
- [Squeaking.]
[Man Screaming.]
[Man #2.]
I told you not to turn around.
Look, guys.
I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.
Oh, here we go.
How many spoons have you got now, Adam? Nine.
If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane.
Can I see it? - [Gasps.]
- My spoon! - Ow! - [Spoon Clatters.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode