The Simpsons s10e04 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror IX

[ Sinister Laughter ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Groans ] - D'oh! - [ Screams ] - [ Screams ] - [ Beeping ] - [ Groans ] I don't get it.
They should be here by now.
Ah, what are you gonna do? Hmm.
Good lines, nice balance.
Let's see how she handles.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.
Tame it, baby.
Yo, ring her up, dude.
- [ Dings ] - [ Gasps ] You cannot smoke in here.
Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
[ Coughs ] Oh, God.
You smokers disgust me.
Hey, 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? Hands up, scuzbag! No, not you.
The smoking scuzbag.
Oh, chill out, dude.
I'll pay the fine.
Not this time, you won't.
This is your third strike.
First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Hey, that was self-defense.
Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal- Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, you'll never make it stick, dude.
Will too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses.
Apu, that scuzbag Mo.
- I'm not going to forget this, dudes.
- [ Gasps ] I'm going to totally kill both of you.
And don't forget Bart Simpson.
- He's a witness too.
Right, Barty? - Oh.
Oh, you are so dead, little dude.
- Thanks a lot, Chief.
- [ Laughs ] You kids crack me up.
Hi.
I'm Ed McMahon.
Tonight on Fox from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off and Secrets of National Security Revealed it's World's Deadliest Executions.
- [ Cheering, Applause ] - Making his first appearance on our show he-e-ere's Snake! [ Booing, Heckling ] Thank you, chickie-pies.
The chair? Aw.
How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps? [ Man ] Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
So long, Snake.
You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke.
- [ Electricity Crackling ] - [ Groaning ] [ Coughing ] [ Groaning ] Dude.
- Hey-oh! - [ Cheering ] All right! Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs.
- Dibs on the liver! - [ Rings ] Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor.
I'm saved.
Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, Homer.
This is genuine human hair.
This is legal, right? Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
These drugs will make the operation - seem like a beautiful dream.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Groans ] - Ahh.
Hi, everybody.
[ Humming ] Who wants to see their sexy new daddy? - [ Gasps ] - Whoa! - [ Lisa ] Oh, Dad.
! - [ Bart ] Whoa.
Wow.
If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore.
[ Owl Hooting ] - [ Muttering ] - [ Snoring ] [ Snake's Voice ] Later, chickie-pie.
[ Electronic Bell Rings ] Whoo! Ooh, la, la, Simpson.
Huh.
What can I do for you and your new do? [ Snake's Voice ] You sent me to the chair.
[ Gasps ] Snake? But you're dead.
I know you are, but what am I? No.
No.
No! And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
- [ Gasping ] - Oh, my God! That's horrible.
Who will run the Kwik-E-Mart? [ Slurping ] I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Ah, geez, Lou.
How long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing? [ Slurping ] Who'd do such a thing? Ah, mornin', Homer.
Ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.
[ Snake's Voice ] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey.
I'm gonna, like, totally waste you.
Ah, somebody's a Grumpy Gus.
- What-[ Groans ] - Oh! - [ Corkscrew Twisting ] - Oh.
- Yoink.
- Ah, for cryin' out loud.
[ Groans ] Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today.
Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered! It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too.
I'm next! [ Normal Voice ] Don't worry.
I'll protect you- [ Snake's Voice ] Little dude.
[ Banging ] [ Normal Voice ] There.
Now no murderers can get in.
[ Snake's Voice ] Or out.
- Dad? - You are so dead.
No! Come here, you little- [ Goofy Laugh ] Stop it.
You're killing me! [ Screams ] - My school picture.
- Daddy would like a word with you, Barty.
[ Gasps ] Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy.
That's Snake's voice.
Of course.
The transplant.
Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling- Oh, please, Lisa.
Everyone's already figured that out.
[ Whimpering ] You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
[ Normal Voice ] But I look so youthful and hunky.
[ Snake's Voice ] The kid's gotta die.
[ Normal Voice ] But I love my son.
[ Snake's Voice ] More than a lush head of hair? [ Normal Voice ] Don't make me choose! [ Snake's Voice Laughing ] [ Normal Voice ] No! [ Screaming ] - I love you, Son.
- I love you too, Dad.
[ Screams ] - [ Muffled ] Get off.
Get it off.
- [ Gasping ] I'll show you, hair! - [ Grunting ] - Ow! Ow! Ow! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot? Why you little- - [ Choking ] - Don't you- - I'll kill you.
- Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa- pasa- Ah,just Moe.
Just Moe.
It wasn't me.
It was the hair.
Freeze, hair ball! Now that's what I call a bad hair day.
[ Laughing ] May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh.
Wait.
I just got it.
[ Laughs ] - [ Laughing ] - It is funny.
Bad hair day.
- [ Audience Oohing ] - [ Shouts ] Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck your blood.
Okay.
Get ready for the violentest, disembowelingest vomit-inducingest Itchy and Scratchy Halloween special ever! - Hey.
- What the- Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons I'd be a pretty lousy mother.
[ Groaning ] Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Nah, it's too early.
I need to work under cover of darkness.
[ Groans ] Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where? [ Chomping ] Well, we're leaving.
And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy.
- Aw! - I'd better take these batteries just to be sure.
- [ Gasps ] - Mm-hmm.
- [ Door Closes ] - ##[ Harmonica:Blues ] [ Singing ] [ Ends ] There's gotta be some batteries in here somewhere.
- [ Buzzing ] - Hmm.
Oh, Bart, that's plutonium.
It's highly unstable! [ Grunting ] Don't you ever get tired of being wrong? - [ Crackling ] - [ Shouts ] [ Doorbell Rings ] Trick or treat! - What's wrong with the TV? - [ Buzzing ] - Color's screwed up.
- [ Crackling ] Whoa! Cool.
Bart, quit it! [ Grunting ] Hey.
[ Muttering ] Hey, Lise, we're characters in a cartoon.
- How humiliating.
- [ Gasps ] Look.
[ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] Why are you laughing? Hey.
They're laughing at your pain.
That's mean.
Let's teach 'em a lesson.
A cartoon ax.
I love it.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] - Help! Police! - [ Siren Wailing ] [ Sighing ] ''To protect and sever''? - [ Screaming ] - [ Revving ] - ## [ Humming ] Hmm.
- ## [ Orchestral ] - Hmm? - [ Screaming ] Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one? - Sorry.
- It happens.
Hey, hey! Wiggedy, wiggedy.
Poochie's in the house.
- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Groaning ] [ Gasps ] We're done for, Bart.
! Not if I know cartoons.
Whoa! - Whew.
That was close.
- Uh, Bart? Not now, Lise.
I'm trying to relax.
[ Wind Whistling ] [ Electricity Crackling ] [ Screaming ] Boring.
[ Slurps ] I'm telling you, this cilantro really gives it a zing! Reg, there's no cilantro in it.
- [ Screaming ] - Oh, God! - Man alive.
This soup is out of control! - Oh.
- Hey! - [ Screams ] My- My eyes.
My beautiful eyes! Oh, that's it.
I'm going home.
Dom DeLuise can interview himself.
[ Crackling ] - Oh, Itchy's house.
This is where we came in.
- Look! Dad, you gotta get us out of here! Use the remote! Huh? Oh, okay.
Let's see.
Pause.
Uh, three.
No.
FF- Come on! [ Cranking, Squeaking ] Hurry, Homer! [ Buzzing ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Chomping ] Ooh, that is gonna hurt tomorrow.
Dad, push ''exit.
'' Hmm.
- Hey.
- Aaah! Lisa, look out! A skeleton! Aah! - [ Sighing ] - [ Banging ] [ Laughing ] [ Screaming ] [ Growling ] [ Giggles ] Look how cute they are.
[ Squeaking ] [ Laughs ] Look at him go.
[ Purring ] - [ Heart Beating ] - You're beautiful.
Aw, somebody's in love.
That means you'll have to be neutered.
No! Here comes the flying saucer.
[ Crying ] - What's wrong with Stinky? - She's teething.
- Look.
Her very first baby tooth.
- [ Homer ] Aw- - Ew.
! - [ Bart ] Disgusting.
- Ugh.
I just lost my appetite.
- Me too.
Wait.
Mine came back.
[ Chomping ] - [ Fussing ] - I know how to cheer you up.
This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart.
This little piggy went nuts.
This little piggy went surfing.
And this little piggy went- [ Gasps ] Oh! Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs.
Oh, my God.
[ Gasping ] Homer, do something.
The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby.
[ Sighs ] All right, I got it.
[ Muttering ] Come on.
Get off the- [ Hissing ] [ Shouting ] Bad baby! Oh.
She's entering the terrible twos, all right.
It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure.
- Aah! - Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor? Fire, and lots of it.
Oh, that's your cure for everything.
[ Rattles ] - [ Squeaks ] - Poor, Maggie.
If only you could tell us what's happening to you.
Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 1 3.
Holy flirking shnit.
What's the message? ''Larval stage completed.
''Standing by for orders.
Experiencing terrible rash.
Over.
'' Ensign Kodos, set coordinates for the obscure T-shirt-producing planet known as Earth.
It's time I paid a visit to - my daughter.
- [ Gulps ] - We'll return with How Dracula Got His Groove Back.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] Hello- Oh, great.
Mormons.
Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
And we've come to see - my daughter.
- [ Squeaks ] [ Groans ] Oh, Lord.
I was hoping this day would never come.
Huh? What are you talking about? You mean you never told him? Oh, I guess I've been in denial.
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
[ Gasps ] You intergalactic hussy! How could you? [ Sobbing ] - Was he better than me? - It all happened about two years ago.
There I was having a great time in the backyard when without warning, I was abducted by aliens.
[ Kang ] Warning.
! Warning.
! Prepare to be abducted.
Huh? [ Groans ] Congratulations.
You have been selected for our crossbreeding program.
To put you at ease, we have re-created the most common spawning locations of your species.
You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding or the alley behind a porno theater.
I absolutely refuse to go along with this.
But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley.
Initiate fertilization procedure.
[ Yawns ] Oh, you look lovely this evening.
- Have you decreased in mass? - [ Marge Narrating ] I tried to resist but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.
Look! Behind you! - Insemination complete.
- Really? That seemed awfully quick.
- What are you implying? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Whoa.
Wow.
Look at the time.
I'd love to stay, but I have an early meeting tomorrow.
You're a super girl though.
I'll call you sometime.
[ Shouts ] Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie.
And now she must return home to Rigel VII where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life.
Well, we can't compete with that, but- - But nothing.
Get your slime-less hands off her.
- [ Grunting ] People! People! Space monsters.
This is going nowhere.
There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre.
- ##[ Pop ] - [ Audience Chanting ]Jerry.
!Jerry.
!Jerry.
! Okay, we're back.
Homer, how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus? It made me angry,Jerry.
Angry and tired.
Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproofbooth where he can't hear us.
I hear all.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang.
- [ Audience Cheering ] - Hey! Yeah! - Mmm.
- Whoo.
! One-eyed, two-timing- [ Bleeping ] I'm gonna- [ Bleeping ] Oh, yeah? Well- [ Bleeping ] hyperbolic paraboloid- [ Bleeping ] your mama.
Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.
- Homer.
- Nah, the green dude.
If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at? - [ Audience Affirming ] - [ Groans ] You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility.
- [ Audience ] Yeah.
! - [ Screams ] Now hold on, Kang.
You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun.
[ Screaming ] And now for my final thought.
Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child.
Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie.
- [ Hissing ] - Ow! What the- [ Bleeps ] Get the- [ Bleeps ] baby off.
[ Bleeps ] Son of a- [ Bleeps ] [ Groaning ] ##[ Pop ] I'm so- [ Bleeps ] embarrassed.
##[ Ends ] I can't believe it.
Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
- And now he's dead.
- Anyhoo, this is your last chance.
Turn over the baby now.
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington.
Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician.
Just watch us.
[ Laughing ] [ Bart ] Don't forget Ken Starr! Suckers.
Come on, Maggie.
Let's go home.
- [ Alien Voice ] Very well.
I'll drive.
- [ All Gasping ] [ Maniacal Laughter] I need blood.
[ Regis ] My eyes.
! My beautiful eyes.
!