The Simpsons s11e22 Episode Script

Behind the Laughter

[Chorus ] # the Simpsons # BEHIND THE LAUGHTER [ Bell Ringing] [ Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Rattling ] [ Chorus ] # the Simpsons # [ Man Narrating] they were the first family of American laughter surfing a tidal wave of hilarity [ Man ] Look at her vacuum.
onto the sands of Superstar Bay.
[ Dramatic Cue ] But behind the chortles, this funny five some was trapped in a private hell.
Everybody wanted a piece of us.
They told us what to wear how to dress, which clothes we should put on.
The cops found me driving on the sidewalk.
I had no business hosting the Oscars.
After the show, Meryl Streep spit on me.
[Narrator] tonight: the Simpsons, as you've never seen them before on Behind the Laughter.
[ Rock] [ Ends ] [ Narrator] the Simpson's amazing journey began here in the bustling heartland town of Springfield.
On this unassuming street, two nobodies named Homer and Marge Simpson settled down to raise a family.
- First came baby Bart.
- [ Babbling ] - then, Lisa Simpson.
- [ Babbling ] [ Chuckles, Gasps ] [ Grunting ] - And finally, Maggie.
- [ Snoring ] [ Gasps ] Eh! Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids.
They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV.
That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
I'd see 'em sitting on that couch all day long just staring at that Hollywood Hogwash.
Our favorite show was Hollywood Hogwash, but we also loved the Dreck Squad.
the Malarkeys, Dumbin' it Down.
- Sheriff Lowbrow.
- Home Improvement.
But we never saw people like us on TV.
TV families were always hugging and tackling issues.
Homer kept saying he could do a more realistic family show.
Finally, I said, "So do it.
Either [ Bleep] or get off the pot.
" [Narrator] And[Bleep] he did.
Using his home as the studio and his family as the cast this penniless Peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video.
My Funny Family, take one! And action! Honey, I 'm home.
The boss is coming to dinner, and I need a clean shirt.
I haven't done the laundry yet.
Mamma mia! Now I'll have to do it! [ Humming ] - Dad, that's too much detergent.
- Not now! I'm busy turning on this washing machine.
- [Whirring ] - [ Both Gasp] Simpson! - Where's my dinner?.
- Mamma mia! It was amazing how fast Dad betrayed his vision of a realistic show.
Okay, the material was a little corny.
But Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
Every day I thought about firing Marge.
You know, just to shake things up.
[Narrator] Homer didn't fire Marge, but he did shake things up- - show business things.
- D'oh! [ Horn Honks ] [ Narrator] He tried to show his demo tape to the major networks but couldn't get past the guards.
- [ Clanks ] - [ Clanks ] [ Clanking Continues ] Fortunately, I had a network connection.
The man who cut my hair was also president of Fox.
[Studio Fanfare ] [ Narrator] the Simpsons had their foot in the door.
Fox ordered 13 episodes.
But would the public respond? M-E-R.
Okay.
- R-U-P-E-R-T.
- You're almost there.
Good.
- # Well, shake it up, baby # - [ Screaming ] Shake it up, baby Twist and shout, Twist and shout - ##[ Continues, Indistinct] - [ Laughing, Gurgling ] I first knew the show was a hit when I walked into school and a kid was wearing a Bart Simpson T-shirt.
Fox had an endless supply of clever slogans, man.
Suddenly I was invited to every birthday party.
Sometimes I'd have to read the cake just to know who I was singing to.
[ Narrator] The Simpsons was a smash.
Viewers couldn't get enough of the show's fractured take on the modern family.
The funniest stuff came right out of real life.
Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milk shakes.
- Cowabunga, dude! - And cut! Dad, I've never said "Cowabunga" in my life.
Your script sucks.
- Why, you little- [ Sputtering ] - [ Choking ] - Hey, that's funny.
- [ Crew Laughing] - [ Sputtering ] - [ Choking ] - [Laughing Continues ] - And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.
[Narrator] With Simpson merchandise selling like crazy and Simpson Gin wetting whistles worldwide, the money was pouring in.
[ All Laughing ] [ Both Growling ] We were using $50 bills as toilet paper and toilet paper as dog toilet paper.
[ All Laughing ] Mmm.
Ah.
[Narrator] Convinced that the good times would never stop rolling the Simpsons moved out of their trademark house and into M.
C.
Hammer's.
[ Grunting ] Mm.
We found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with parachute pants.
I'm wearing some now.
[ Vocalizing ] - [ Exhales ] - [Narrator] But pants or no pants the Simpsons were flying high.
Yeah, I've seen all the overnight sensations- Brad Hall, Rich Hall, Rich Little, Little Richard- but the Simpsons blew 'em all away.
They even had a hit record.
Meanwhile, Krustophenia sits on the shelf.
None of us had ever sung before, but Mr.
Geffen believed in us.
We're gonna groove tonight We'll make you feel all right Simpsons boogie [Narrator] Simpsons Boogie Lovely to Love Your Lovin' and Simpsons Christmas Boogie went mega-platinum and swept the Grammys.
Right.
And the award for Best Hard-core Thrash Metal goes to Simpsons Christmas Boogie? Simpsons Christmas Boogie [ Gags, Spits ] [ Narrator] For America's favorite family, everything was coming up roses.
But those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.
- [ Buzzing ] - When we come back- I want to set the record straight.
I thought the cop was a prostitute.
[ Narrator] When Behind the Laughter continues.
[ Rock] [Rock] [Narrator] Byte end of their first season the Simpsons were burning up Nielsen boxes in the U.
S and creating a sensation overseas.
Hello, Mr.
Lobster! D'oh! [ Screams ] [ Spits, Laughing ] Oh, dear! [ Laughing ] [ Narrator] Bathtubs of money, wheel barrows of awards fire hoses of respect- the Simpsons had it all.
[ Cheering ] - [ Groaning ] - Hmm.
[ Narrator] But behind the streamers and confetti storm clouds were gathering.
- [ Thunderclap ] - Figurative storm clouds.
Oh, Homer was spending money like a teenage Arab.
[ Chuckles ] He bought me a Rolex and cashmere jeans.
I felt kinda guilty 'cause I was always tryin' to score with his wife.
So when do we start filming?.
Oh.
Even Bart was throwin' dough around.
He paid me and Carl a thousand bucks to kiss each other.
Hey, did we ever get that money?.
[typing] [typing] [Narrator] But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of The Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
- Even more harrowing were the events of one April afternoon.
- [Jingling ] The script originally called for me to jump the gorge.
But I'd been up all night paying people to kiss, so Dad volunteered to do the stunt.
Everything was going great at first.
I felt like I was king of the world.
I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! - Right about here I realize something's wrong.
- [Screaming] - Yep.
There I go.
- [ Grunting ] then came the rocks-jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Narrator] the sequence became an instant comedy classic.
But what the audience didn't see was the unfunny aftermath.
[ Screaming ] [ Sputtering, Gulps ] Mmm.
[ Narrator] Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers.
It was the only way he could perform - the bone-cracking physical comedy - Ow! My leg! - that made him a star.
- This is the worst pain ever! - Ow! - Stop pummeling me! - It's really painful! - [ Screaming ] Why did I take such punishment?.
Let's just say that fame was like a drug.
-[Whistling, Screaming ] -But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
[Narrator] But despite their mounting problems the Simpsons' star continued to rise, like a plastic bag caught in an updraft.
[ Lisa Narrating] It was such an honor to be on the Walk of Fame.
I mean, there we were with Hollywood royalty like Milton Berle and Nelson Mandela.
And just a few stars down from the Cheerios honeybee.
Awards and honors are great, but they don't pay the pickle man.
We were earning millions, but we were always strapped for cash.
One time, Lisa bought a first edition of Susan B.
Anthony Man.
Her check bounced higher than Rubber Girl.
[ Narrator] Where did the money go? Marge lost much of the family fortune investing in birth control products.
I learned something.
When people reach for their diaphragm they don't want to see my picture.
[ Narrator]As the Simpsons' money dwindled, their expenses soared.
From the original group of five, the cast ballooned to dozens then hundreds.
I 'd never acted before in my life, but, uh if the sea captain could be in the show, why not me? I 've even got a catchphrase.
Nyah! Whaa! Whaa, whaa, whaa! Now I lost it.
[ Narrator] then, another bombshell.
An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.
[ Apu's Voice ] Yes, I finked on Homer, but, you know, he deserved it.
Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray.
- [ Narrator] the tax men were merciless.
- Hey! - [ Whirring ] - [ Sputtering, Screaming ] - Oh! - [ Snaps Fingers ] Hey! They can't take our house! My potbellied pig is in there! [ Sobbing ] Ah, Mr.
Porky! No! [ Sobbing Continues ] [Narrator] Inevitably, the behind-the-scenes turmoil took its toll on their TV series.
- [ Man ] And action! - ## [ theme ] Hold on! Cut! - Oh, for crying out loud! - Oh, man! Oh! Bart, if it's not too much trouble- Fine.
I'll do teen Wolf3.
I've got fair-weather friends to feed.
Dad, I want to go to bed.
Aren't there child labor laws?.
Who told you about those laws?.
Was it Marge?.
Hey, you've been riding me all day.
Why don't you poop in your hat?.
Are you going to need us tonight?.
I have ballet tickets- not that they'll do much good now.
[Narrator] With the family in disarray, episodes increasingly resorted to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots.
I 'm an impostor.
- That man is the real Seymour Skinner.
- [ Crowd Gasps ] [ Narrator] trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings.
[ Electronic Voice ] If you are looking for trouble, you've found it.
Just try me, you- Oh! [ Karate Yells ] [ Narrator] But there were bigger problems off-screen.
After judging a Miss Hawaiian tropic beauty contest at the Sheraton Hali'a Kalua Lea - Bart created a ruckus on a Hawaiian Airline jet - [ Camera Shutters Clicking ] attacking several flight attendants.
While he was in rehab, the part of Bart Simpson was played by his good friend Richie Rich.
Bart, what do you mean you have jury duty?.
Don't have a cow, Mother.
[ Narrator] Fans reacted to these - slapdash episodes with yawns.
- [ Man Yawns ] - Angry yawns.
- [Angry Yawn ] Desperate to polish their tarnished image, the family agreed to a live appearance at the Iowa State Fair.
Right from the start I had a bad feeling about that gig.
- ## [ Country] - [ Narrator] It was an evening none of them would ever forget.
Or would they? No.
[ Cheering ] - Hello, Iowa! Does anyone have a doughnut?.
- ##[ Rim Shot ] [ Laughing ] Now, Homer, this is no time to be thinking about food.
Yeah, forget the doughnuts.
We're here to go nuts.
- Musically, that is.
- What kind of song should we play?.
Something that swings with the beat of New Orleans.
No.
Something that rocks.
That's the sound of today.
- Swings! - Rocks! - Swings! - Swings! - Rocks! - Rocks! [Narrator] Sadly, this argument was not part of the act.
- I'll kill you! - [ Grunts ] You don't have the guts, little man! Folks, we're just having a little family tiff.
If you'll just bear with us- Oh, shut up! Always trying to act so mature.
- I'm glad you make the least money.
- Oh, that's it! - Hey, hey, stop it! - Stop it! - You- Let go of me! - [Narrator] Before a riot could break out Jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing.
- # Got a brother named Billy and my teeth look silly # - [ Cheering, Laughing] Break it down now Whoa! Whoa! - [ Cheering ] - [ Exclaims ] Come on, you! I'll get- [ Screams ] - [Narrator] the dream was over.
- [ Busy Signal Beeping ] Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was.
Or was it? And Homer finds a new passion: dusting and polishing mixing boards.
When Behind the Laughter continues.
[ Rock] [ Rock] [ Narrator] the Simpsons' TV show started out on a wing and a prayer.
But now the wing was on fire, and the prayer - had been answered- by Satan.
- [ Laughing ] After the state fair fiasco, none of the family were speaking to each other.
Fox put the show on hiatus and replaced it with hidden camera footage from the dressing room at Ann Taylor.
That slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing.
It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects.
I returned to my first love- the legitimate theater.
As a young female artist I really love living in this East Village loft.
- [Knocking] - Oh.
That must be our new landlord Mr.
Stingley.
[ Laughs ] Where is the rent I must have the rent Dollars, dimes and nickels I need them all right now I literally chewed the scenery.
[Narrator] the other family members were also spreading their creative wings.
- ##[ Rock] - Bart replaced Lorenzo Lamas in the syndicated action series Renegade.
I f Esposito thinks he's gonna muscle us, he's wrong.
I hear that, Renegade.
Let's do this thing.
[Rock] - [Narrator] Marge put together a nightclub act.
- ##[Intro ] I shot the sheriff But I did not shoot the deputy She didn't do it She didn't do it So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him.
- [ Gasping ] - A smile.
- [ Laughing ] - Good night, Laughlin.
- #She didn't do it She didn't do it ## - [Applause] [Narrator] Lisa sang too- in a tell-all book blasting the family.
To prolong the run of the series I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Shutters Clicking ] That's ridiculous.
How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?.
What?.
In that family, nobody trusted nobody.
They even brought their lawyers to Thanksgiving dinner.
So, uh, how's everybody doing?.
- You don't have to answer that.
- Shut up, all of you, or I'll sue.
Oh, save it for your next book, you little snitch.
That's assault! That is assault! It was the best Thanksgiving ever.
I mean, emotionally it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist.
[Narrator] the carcass of the Simpsons' empire had been picked clean.
- [ Squawking ] - But then came help from an unexpected source.
I knew there was only one person who could reunite this troubled clan- my old fraternity brother Willie Nelson.
I'd do anything for keg-meisterJulius.
So I cooked up a phony awards show.
[ Alarm Wailing ] Not again.
Time saver, my ass.
When Willie asked me to be a presenter at the New Awareness Awards I had to think about it- for about a microsecond.
You just don't say no to the Red Headed Stranger.
And when I heard it was for awareness, that sealed the deal.
[Narrator] Would Willie's fence-mending eggs bear fruit? Or would his olive branch be torn apart by woodpeckers of mistrust? that night, fate wore a cummerbund of suspense.
[ Applause ] Thank you, Taco, for that loving tribute to Falco.
And now, to present the award for Most Violent Rap Group, Homer Simpson.
- [Applause] - Hi.
- And Marge Simpson.
- What?.
- [Applause Continues ] - What's she doing here?.
- And Bart and Lisa Simpson! - [ Gasps ] Hey! What's going on?.
Well, I'll be honest.
The New Awareness Awards are all an elaborate sham.
What?.
[ Sputters ] I knew it was too good to be true.
So this whole thing was just a trick to get us back together?.
Well, I'm also trying to patch things up between Van Halen and Sammy Hagar.
- [ All ] Hmm.
- But the main thing is for you folks to stop this silly feud.
- Isn't that right, people?.
- [ Cheering ] - Hug! Hug! Hug! - [ Crowd] Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! [Narrator] the Simpsons' bitter past was forgotten.
and now the future looks brighter than ever for this northern Kentucky family We put all the craziness behind us.
And now it's time to get back to what matters- the show.
And the Sunday comic strip.
- Which Homer writes himself.
- So you know it's great.
- Why, you little- [ Sputtering ] - [ Choking ] [Narrator] So, whether choking their son or poking some fun the Simpsons will keep on gagging for years to come.
- [ Tape Rewinds ] - I can't believe it! We won another contest! The Simpsons are going to Delaware! - I want to see Wilmington! - I want to visit a screen door factory.
This will be the last season.
[Narrator] Next week on Behind the Laughter:.
Huckleberry Hound.
I was so gay.
But I couldn't tell anyone.
[ Rock] [ Disco ] We're gonna groove tonight We'll make you feel all right Simpsons Christmas boogie We're dancing to the beat We'll make you move your feet Simpsons Christmas boogie Simpsons Christmas boogie Simpsons Christmas boogie - [ Murmuring ] - Shh!